Wednesday, March 31, 2010


It's always like I try to erase one confessional post with another less confessional one, so I will look better in your eyes because I momentarily feel better. Because I feel conflicted about this, I start writing the other post, but take a very long time doing it, so it won't look like I'm too eager. I do have some sense of decorum. It's really silly that I bother going through all of this, but it's a compulsion in me that drives me to do it. It's probably a symptom of what's wrong with me, but it hasn't been described maybe in the DSM. Compulsively writing blog posts. Obsessive compulsive behavior. There you go. It has been after all, like the woman who sprinkled powdered sugar on her furniture. She couldn't stop herself either.

It's very hard to have something wrong with you. To know that you don't quite function as well as the average person does. That you come with an instruction booklet and that it needs to be read nearly every day and that if other people won't read it, you still have to read it yourself and I will tell you the truth, I don't think I will get off all of my medications. I think I need some of them. Not in huge quantities, but enough to help me function. I think I may go off the deep end if I were not to have them. I think getting off all my medications was a pipe dream and a lot of wishful thinking and very misguided. It's because some of us want to believe that I'm really a healthy person that we want me off the medication, but the truth is that I'm not and we better face up to that. If I'm going to be successful, it's going to have to be with medication. I'm a nut without it.

Well, there you go, we had another confessional. I don't stop, do I? That's because I do all my thinking on my blog. This is where I get everything straightened out. I talk circles around myself and finally find my way to where I'm supposed to be. Which is just a few steps ahead of where I started off. There is progress. I must remember to do things for myself, though, and not for other people, no matter how much I love them and want to make them happy. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot, but not everything. So much depends on me being able to deal with things and to have courage and self confidence. There's nothing worse than feeling out and out fear for the most ordinary events in life.

The computer is murmuring to itself again, no doubt looking for another update. The delivery boy from the pharmacy just came by to deliver some drugs, important ones that I can't do without. I was almost out of some of them and didn't realize it on time, so it was an emergency delivery. That sounds like I gave birth. I do in my dreams. Sometimes I have babies, as if by a miracle. It would be physically impossible for me, but in my dreams I can. I dream it quite often, but I think it symbolizes me giving birth to new aspects of myself. I'm hardly pregnant in my dreams and always surprised that I'm about to give birth. All the babies look like me, but one time I dreamed that I put my son back inside myself for safekeeping. I had a zipper in my torso because he was so big. Don't I wish I could have done that.

It started raining a while ago and at first it came down in buckets with a hard wind blowing too. It's only 7C outside and I have the heater turned up. It's still not springtime here, except for that one perfect day we had when I thought it was almost too warm. At least we don't have snow like some people still have. We are spared that and I did see some daffodils but they had been planted, so they didn't count. The jasmine bush is getting green buds and so is the prickly bush whose name I don't know by the clothes line. The rest looks bare. The Golden Rain is showing no action at all and should have been pruned this spring, but I'm not the woman to do it. I don't have the equipment. I think some man needs to haul his butt over here and do it. One with biceps, who also needs to fix the little gate that is falling apart in the fence. The one who uses it exclusively and keeps ignoring the problem. I will very tactfully point that out.

I've solved the problem with the anger issue with the Welbutrin. Instead of taking my antipsychotics all at once before I go to bed, I now take them spread during the day and I notice that it takes the edge off quite a bit. I took one in the afternoon and one when I took my medicines at 6 pm and I feel a lot better. Tomorrow I will take them at breakfast, lunch and dinner when I take my other medications. We'll see how much better I do.

And now for some Brie and Camembert.


A quiet day...

I had a very hefty reaction to my medication this morning. I felt extremely angry for a while and was worried about myself and what I would do with it and what it would do with me. I decided to go back to bed and sleep until it was over and that is the best decision I could have made. When I finally got up, my feelings were closer to normal, although I feel fragile, but at least I don't feel the large amount of anger anymore. I do feel weepy eyed and emotional and anything at all can start me of crying. I suppose I'm going through the whole spectrum of emotions.

Because I went back to bed early, and didn't wake up until after the fact, I missed my appointment at the SPC. I called over there and talked to my contact person to explain to her what had happened, but she told me that I was out of circulation now and that if I wanted a place in the creative classes, I would have to start the application process all over again. She had informed my SPN and sent back the official application this morning before she had talked to me. This hit me a bit hard, but I guess it is my own fault. It made me cry and I felt stupid. It made me feel sad more than anything for things not working out. For fear of failure, I will not start the application process again.

The Exfactor was here and in a weak moment I told him that I missed him, because I really do. I miss the camaraderie and the conversations and the intimacy. He told me that lately he had noticed that, but he thought it was because I was generally a lonely person. That makes me cry too, although I did not cry in front of him. I was as cool as a cucumber. I don't want to come across as a desperate woman who is needy. I guess in the back of my head I always think he will come back when he's done with whatever he needs to do now. It makes me cry now, because I want to keep my illusions intact.

I guess because of the medications I took, I lived under illusions for a long time. I mean I didn't face up to a lot of things. They were all buried in the fog of the side effects of the pills. Now that I don't take those pills anymore, or take less of them, a lot of things come to the surface. Realities and feelings, and not all of it is pretty. Some of it is downright painful and ugly, but I guess if you've loved someone for a long time, it is hard to stop loving them and that's what I'm faced with. I'm not interested in other men, because I'm only interested in one man.

Look and see what confessions people make on their personal blog. As if it is a secret diary. It feels good to "talk" about it, though. It feels good to air my heart. This way I don't have to walk around with it all by myself. You never know what people walk around with, what sort of feelings and wishes they have, what they long for. Life sometimes really is like a country & western song. "He done me wrong and broke my heart, but I kept on lovin' him."


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

An encore...

I took two 2 hour naps today, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I just woke up from the one in the afternoon, so I guess it was really one in the early evening. After the one in the morning, I wasn't sufficiently done sleeping to really start the day right. I had claimed here that I was so clear and levelheaded in the morning when I first got up, but after I walked Tyke, I realized how tired I still was and laid down on the sofa for a nap. I should have just gone back to bed for a proper sleep.I don't know why I thought that was improper for some reason, as if I was not supposed to lie in bed during the day.

My SPN called me after I had sent her the email about my grouchiness and the Welbutrin and told me not to make any changes in my medicines for 3 weeks so that I will stabilize and that they will be able to see then which medicine can be reduced or taken away completely. I begrudgingly made that promise, because 3 weeks is a long time to be grouchy, but I'm not it nonstop all day long so I guess I can live with that. You'll probably notice it in my posts when I am, though, and pay me no mind.

I walked to my sister's house in the afternoon with Tyke for some cappuccinos. My sister's dog is getting used to Tyke's enthusiasm, but doesn't quite want Tyke to have his toys yet. So he collects them under the table and guards them. They are doing better all the time and Tyke is learning to give Quinto his space and not to be too pushy. Quinto was used to Jesker and they got along well and now he has to get used to this little curious fellow who wants to be right there the whole time and be wherever he is. They'll work it out.

When I came back, I hung out on the computer for a while, but it was clear that I needed more sleep, so I laid down on the sofa again and was soon sound asleep once more. I'm just going to have to give into these urges to sleep during the day, because I am in a much better mood if I do and it doesn't seem to make that much difference with how much I sleep at night.

My template is back and I hope you can all read the font better on the white background. I have no way to enlarge it. You may all have to get reading glasses. Don't worry, I've got them too. There's no stigma attached to it. This is not the original watercolor template that I started out with, this is a new one in effort to get any template to show up at all. I can't find the unzip file with the watercolor template in it just now, but if I run into it, I will reinstall it, although I quite like this one too. I will go have a look for the other one in a minute. Maybe it is retrievable.

I need a tall glass of milk, so that's what I'm going to get. Have a good evening you all.


Adding up the hours.

I was up early this morning, because Tyke was barking and I had to stop him so he wouldn't wake up the neighbors. Once I had assured him that everything was fine, I was wide awake and ready to stay up, so I made myself some coffee and answered my emails, which is always a good exercise for my brain. I feel surprisingly clearheaded this morning and not at all hung over, so answering my emails was done with a well functioning mind, which I can't say is always true. I'll have to see how I do the rest of the day, but it's good to feel so levelheaded so early in the morning.

I still can't see my complete blog template, but I've heard that Blogger is having some problems, so maybe it is due to that. I will wait it out patiently and see if the problem clears itself up. I've also left a message at the template website, but I haven't heard anything from them yet. Will those of you who do see my complete template let me know? At least I'll know there is hope.

Well, I was speaking of feeling clearheaded, but I can't think of a bloody thing to write about, yet write I must. It's supposed to be a compulsion, after all, and when you are compulsed to do something, you can't help but. It's like people who talk, but don't have anything to say. This may turn into one of those exercises.

Tell you what. I think I'll take my medicines and see if that makes any difference. It will be an interesting experiment and I will wait half an hour before I start writing again.

Okay, I've hung out on Facebook and tried to figure out why some people are so incredibly popular. I just don't seem to fit in that category, you know? People don't flock around me. I make statements, but I don't get many responses. Maybe my statements aren't provocative enough and they should be more outrageous. Maybe I should insult people in high places or become incredibly political or put in more links to interesting stories. It's a puzzlement. I will have to think about it for a while. I must have a better plan in place. Look at me, the big strategist.

I've noticed that after I take the Welbutrin in the morning lately, my mood just goes downhill. I become angry and irritated and impatient. I don't know if this is a temporary condition, but I've just sent my SPN an email discussing this problem with her. I don't think this is the way an antidepressant is supposed to make you feel. It happens within an hour after I take it. It's impossible to do anything about it once it strikes, but to keep in mind what the cause is and that it's an artificial mood and that it has nothing to do with reality. It does help to talk about it. I feel I'm coming out of the closet with my perfect Welbutrin that made me feel so good for the first two weeks.

If it's a temporary side effect, then I can live with it, but if it's a permanent thing, then I'm going to get off them and not try anything else. I've had enough different kinds of antidepressants and none of them have really worked, except for my temporary believe in them. There is no happiness pill.

Well, I'm going to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It will do us both good.

Have a good day.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Tell me why...

My blog template showed up incomplete all day. All I saw was a green screen with text and photos, in other words, things I had posted and filled in. So, I went ahead and installed a different template, but I have the same problem with it, so I have no idea what's going on. I'm assuming the problem will correct itself, since it is happening with both and I'm stubborn enough to believe it. If not, I will turn into a toad again and when I'm kissed, I will not turn into a beautiful princess, but an old hag. How many people go around kissing toads anyway? I've never done it.

The Exfactor did a good deed today. He took the train and specifically came to visit me so I would have someone to talk to. He knew I was having a hard time and he brought a lighter too, so I wouldn't have to go back to the store to buy one. I told him everything that was on my mind and he could only agree with me and saw the logic in what I was saying. I don't have emotions, I have symptoms and for all these symptoms there are labels, and for every label there is a pill. Every time I have an emotion, there is a pill or an increase in a pill to kill the emotion. I'm not supposed to feel anything. Every deviation is dangerous.

Well, the domestic help was here this afternoon. It was the same girl who was here last week and I hope she becomes my regular help. I may have to call about that and see if I can arrange that. She wasn't upset that I hadn't done anything, but she did tell me to ask for more time for her to do her work in. So three hours instead of two. There's lots of cleaning left to do in this apartment. Things have been neglected for a long time. At first glance it looks okay, but when you look closer it's not and those girls know how to look. They see dirt that I don't. It's getting harder not to be embarrassed.

Tyke is so fond of the domestic help. He wants all her cleaning supplies, but he listens well when I tell him that no, he is not allowed to steal things. When it was time for her to vacuum, I took him for a walk so he wouldn't bark the whole time and drive the neighbors crazy. That was a good solution. Too bad I can't do that when I'm supposed to vacuum.

Now for me the best time of the day starts, after I have taken my 6 pm medicines. I don´t know why that is, but soon afterwards, I always feel the best of any time of the day. I take my medicines, walk the dog, and when I get home, I feel good. It´s not that everything is suddenly okay and that all the problems have been solved, but I feel more courageous and a little more happy and not so drained, while there´s really not much to look forward to but loneliness. I think that is one reason why I write so many posts. I feel that I´m in contact with you all while I´m writing them, as if I´m having a conversation with you and we are connected through the words. When I´m done writing a post, I feel immediate regret and want to start writing another one, so I won´t lose the connection. I will still be part of something bigger than just me and the animals.

On Thursday afternoon, I´m meeting my friend Von at our café on the Our Dear Lady Square downtown. I think it´s been 5 months since we´ve met at the café. I´ll go see if the trees have any buds on them and if the outside of the church has been fully restored. If it is at all possible with my schedule, Thursday afternoons are going to be our regular afternoons.

On Wednesday morning, I have a meeting at the SPC for an intake for the creative classes of which I don´t know when they are going to be yet or when there is a place for me available. I can´t go Monday afternoons or Thursday afternoons, so hopefully there will be something available on other days.

So you see, I have plans and they will be good for me, I have no doubt about it. It will be good to get out of the house and amongst people and have activities and create things. And hang out with Von and drink cappuccinos. I do have to add those to my budget, mustn´t forget that.

Okay, this post is done, because I´ve told you everything that will go in this post. I don´t know if there will be another post. It depends on how the mood strikes me.

Have a good evening!


Another fine morning.

I've just made myself another cup of coffee to get the sluggishness out of my system that is usually there in the morning when I first have gotten up. I'm very much looking forward to the day when it won't be there. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to have to take a proactive stand in that and make the decision about that myself. Yes, I think that will be best.

I'm almost out of tobacco and must go to the tobacconist right away at 8:30. I also have to remember to buy some lighters, because I'm using matches now and they don't work very well. They are inferior matches.

There's nothing like a few cups of coffee to set your world right. It can change your whole outlook on life. That is, as long as you don't dig too deep. You just have to stay near the surface. That's where I've been keeping myself for years now. Living a shallow life. Trying not to feel anything too much, but being overwhelmed by my feelings anyway as if they were a disease that needed to be cured.

Not too long ago I asserted that I didn't need too much coffee to keep me going during the day, but lately I've been finding that the opposite is true. Well, I need about 5 or 6 cups, although very often I don't finish all of them and have to throw the last bit away because it is cold, and they are really mugs, not cups. That's why the coffee always ends up getting cold. A mug is too much and a cup is not enough. I do have a "mup" that's just right.

I went to the tobacconist with Tyke and forgot to buy lighters. I tore the apartment upside down to look for some and found a box of better matches, but it's a small box. I called the Exfactor, who had said he might be by today, to bring me a lighter, but now he's not sure if he's coming. I'll have to go back to the store to buy lighters and I am not amused. I'm having a hard time understanding the Exfactor on my mobile phone and it sounds like he is mumbling, when I say that I can't understand him, he mumbles louder. I also don't understand my psychiatrist who always insists on calling me on my mobile phone instead of my land line. It sounds like he is whispering. Now I don't know if I need to have my ears checked or if it is their problem.

Gandhi barfed on the stove. Tyke tore my whole Trivial Pursuit game apart in the bedroom and it is all over the place. I can just get a trash bag and throw it all away. I haven't done any cleaning, nor have I done the dishes. I am out of patience and out of energy and I need a vacation. I want to run away from home. Instead of that, I will clean up the cat barf and clean up my bedroom and do the dishes and dust my computer desk, but that will be it.

So, I better get to it then. There is no rest for the wicked. There is only postponement.

Have a good day.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

It's the coffee...

You see, it's the coffee that's keeping me going now. I had that decaf, but it didn't do me any good. I just mentally collapse and find that I'm on the verge of the throwing in the towel. I just want to give up and more than anything throw all my medication down the toilet for all the good it does me. I know I can't do that because of the withdrawal symptoms, but I wish I was a year along and off a lot of these things I'm taking now. I've never been as depressed and anxious and stressed and unstable as when I've been on the medication.

Anyway, I make myself a cup of coffee and drink it and I'm okay again. I'm not collapsing any more, but I can't stop and think about my situation too much, because if I do, I become very disheartened and disgusted and I want to run away from it and wish myself into another life. I am most unhappy and I don't care who knows it and everybody can have their opinion about it and their suggestions about how to make it better, but I tell you, I have to get off those drugs that are screwing up my mind.

I'm always having to artificially pep myself up to make it through the day because of all the sleep inducing medication I take, and I take a lot, even though I want to take a little. I had just reduced my anti-psychotics and my tranquilizers when my psychiatrist increased them again when I started on the Welbutrin and stopped taking my other antidepressants. I'm sure that this was well intended and done as a precaution against the problems I would have with withdrawals, but I think it wasn't necessary, really, and now I have to reduce those medications again. I can't do anything on my own without his express approval, so my hands are tied.

For as well as I was doing for the first 2 weeks on Welbutrin, I am doing badly now, but I will also blame it on withdrawal of one antidepressant that I completely went off immediately without any back up. It's gone completely out of my body now and no doubt it is having its effect. If I don't feel a marked improvement on the Welbutrin in a little over 2 weeks time, I'm going to stop taking it and not use another antidepressant, but just depend on my mood stabilizer. Then I can start reducing the anti-psychotics, which is a medication I really want to stop taking, having never been psychotic.

You realize, of course, that I'm using this blog to organize my thoughts. As I write these things down, they become more clear to me and my course of action becomes more obvious. I'm not really writing this down to get answers to questions from you, though input is always welcome. I guess I'm trying to make clear to you how I live in the artificial world of pharmaceutical products and how that influences my mind and my body and how really unhealthy that is. When my second psychiatrist had to hand me over to my third psychiatrist, he worried a great deal about how he was going to explain my list of medications to him. You know something was rotten in Denmark.

So, I'm having my second cup of coffee now. If that's what it takes to keep me going, then so be it. It's really an hour earlier than it says on the clock and I will pretend I live on the Mediterranean and have a nightlife. I started out this post with a feeling of despair, but it has settled down now to a feeling of control. I see what I need to do and the road that I need to take to get there. That does not mean that I will not sit here the next time without feelings of despair again. My moods are as unpredictable as the March weather here.

For those of you who think I like changes very much because I changed my blog template, I have to tell you that it s very double. I get very excited because it is something new and I look forward to how everything will look and which template I will end up with, but at the same time I also don't like changes very much and am most at ease with the familiar, so doing this is a daring step for me. It's a challenge and I have to get used to it myself and I feel very insecure about it. I would have liked to stay the toad forever, but now I'm a watercolor. I'm trying it on for size. Maybe it will be scary and I will flee back toward toadness.

I have a feeling that I'm not going to stay up that late, in spite of the coffee. It will be good to get a decent night's sleep or as long as I manage it. I have to pick up pieces of cardboard in the morning and go to the tobacconist.

Thank you for letting me bounce my thoughts off you. It's been very helpful.

I wish you all a good night.


Getting it right.

I just woke up from a long nap on the sofa and feel like a normal human being now. I was up earlier, but it was a disaster, because I had not slept long enough and I was in a terrible mood because of the shortage of sleep. Of course, instead of going straight back to bed, I was stubborn and convinced that I should stay up and function and do things, even though it was clear that I was not doing them well at all. I thought I should just have another cup of coffee and then I'd be okay, but that second cup of coffee didn't help me any more than that first one.

Finally it dawned on me that what I needed, for everyone's sake, was sleep. I laid down on the sofa and thought I would just rest with my eyes closed and that I would not really fall asleep, but I was wrong and as usual, I feel a lot better now and am a much friendlier person to be with. All my kindness has returned and I don't feel like the end of the world is coming and I'm the doom sayer to tell you. Goodness, that's a rotten job.

Now, of course, I'm dealing with that hour of adjustment in the time. It's really an hour earlier than it says on the computer clock and my watch. I haven't changed the clock in the living room yet, but it is dark and gray outside and it is raining, and it could be any time of the day. Still, I feel like the day is going by awfully fast time wise. I feel like I need to hurry up and do a lot of living in the few hours that are left of the day. I don't think it will happen, though.

I'm supposed to be doing my share of the house cleaning, meaning that I have to dust, vacuum and mop the apartment and clean up the kitchen, but I am so completely not able to do that right now. I think I will have to be excused and have the help do that work herself, because what else is she going to do? If it's raining, she can't wash the windows, except for the insides and those will be done in no time. The first girl who was ever here set up that schedule and I think she was a little bit confused. It's time to throw a wrench into the works.

Oh yes, I've changed my template. Of course, you can't help not missing that. I was over at Eye in the Sky and saw her link to Free Blogger Templates and, of course, I had to go have a look, and you know me, once I go have a look at free templates, I go see if there's one I like. I tried on a couple for size, before I settled on this one. I thought that maybe the other ones were a little bit too garish, although they had their appeal too and I'm not firmly decided yet. Let's just say that I'm thinking about it and things could change any minute. There was one I really liked but the tags were gobbled up with the text and I don't know how to fix it. If this one stays all depends on how much you like it. Thumbs up or thumbs down? You can't vote for the toad. Just for the unknown.

Tyke is lying by my feet, occasionally snoring. The back door is open, so he has been running in and out. There are bits of cardboard spread all over the living room and bedroom from an earlier adventure with a cardboard box. I get to pick up all those pieces. I think he has grown since I've had him, because he doesn't seem like such a little puppy anymore, although he still is in his behavior. He's getting less destructive, though, and more aware of what are his toys to do with as he pleases. He does like to steal things that belong to me, to tease me and to see if he can get away with it. I'm just waiting for him to get this stage behind him and become more normal, to whatever point that is possible. I think he will always be a little bit of a stinker. It's in his nature to be the clown.

The sun has come out again, though it isn't very warm out. There's no abundance of nature happening out there. Everything is late. It's just all sort of dreary looking, as if it's been fall. There is no eruption of green yet, nor are there bright blossoms of daffodils. Spring has forsaken us. At least I don't live in certain regions in Canada, where people still struggle with the cold and the snow and the wind. I would find that unbearable, but I guess you get used to anything. I suppose we don't have it so bad here.

I've had 3 cups of coffee and I will make myself a decaf now, so as to not upset the delicate balance of my psychic system. Ha! I'm only half kidding. I feel good now and I want to keep it that way. I mustn't upset the applecart.

Have a good afternoon. Don't forget to let me know what you think, or otherwise I'll start to act independently.


Saturday, March 27, 2010

Don´t complain!

I´m having withdrawal symptoms again. At least I assume that´s what they are. My life is quickly falling apart and my emotions are in an uproar. I´m trying to stay sane and rational and not intimidated by what is happening to me. The hardest part is going through this alone, because I so very much would like someone´s shoulder to cry on. I guess that´s what I want to do more than anything, is cry and cry and not be brave at all like I feel I have been this past week.

A lot of times I act as if everything is okay when really it isn´t, I don´t know if you can tell that. I keep being cheerful when I don´t really feel cheerful at all. I´ve been worried about my medication this past week, if I´m taking too much of some or too little of the other and I don´t really trust my psychiatrist to know that. I think he made a blunder this week and that has caused a dent in my confidence in him.

I´ve been feeling awfully tired these past days, although I have been out and about in the fresh air. I thought springtime would give me lots of energy, but I´m not having any. The time I feel best is late at night again, when it is dark out and the world is quiet and silent and at rest. That´s new, after sleeping so well for two weeks. I wish I could always be a night person and only marginally participate during the day. Unfortunately, I have to take my nighttime medicines and they do drive me to bed at a certain hour. It´s all medicine I hope to do without some day.

Maybe this is not withdrawal, maybe this is just a plain old case of unhappiness and disappointment for not having the road that I travel be as smooth as I had anticipated and for feeling very lonely in the whole process. I always think that everything should be a nonstop upward movement, but for some reason it doesn´t work that way and you climb the hill and roll down it before you get up and start climbing it again. I don´t know why this is so and why this is necessary. Somebody will have to explain that process to me in logical terms. This really mystifies me. It seems to work that way for everything, even when you think it ought not to, when it is pure science, although when applied to people it never is.

The problem is, that I´ve come to see my emotions as pathologically wrong and put labels on them, instead of just seeing them as emotions that all people have. I have decided not to do that anymore and, for instance, never to use the term hypo-mania again to describe an excited mood that I may find myself in. That way it´s not a psychiatric condition and it doesn´t need a medication to be cured, because a mood like that usually clears up by itself and for all I know I´m doing something that millions of people around the world do every day spontaneously. I mustn´t mistake happiness and excitement for an illness and allow it to be killed by drugs, so that I will be mentally straight jacketed and subdued.

I´m feeling better for having written this down and knowing that it will have a few readers who will hopefully understand. It takes a diversity of people to make the world go round and if we medicate everybody who falls outside the norm, we´ll have a lot of drugged up people. Cure the part that hurts and leave the rest alone.


Wake up, woman!

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is very necessary, as I had to get up out of bed after not enough sleep to let out the dog and take my medicines. Bleary eyed and slightly in a stupor, I turned on the computer to see what was there in my in box and started the difficult process of answering my emails. I always hope I make sense when I do that after I've just gotten up. It may actually not be the right time, but that's the order in which I do things. Rituals even maintain your bad habits.

I'm such a nutty woman, sitting here when I should be getting back to bed for some more sleep, but then I never claimed to have much sense. I act like and pretend that I do, but I never come right out and claimed it. I have about as much common sense as a hedgehog. It does roll itself into an impregnable ball when threatened, so that is a good characteristic, but you can also play football with it and that is less good. Of course, you do have to have sturdy shoe wear.

Well, I used what little common sense I do have and went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. That really was the smartest thing to do, that logic didn't even escape me, thick skulled as I am. Hmmm... I see a theme developing here, I'm trying to get a message across. Could it be that I'm trying to tell you that I assert a lot, but in reality know very little? Something along those lines.

The first thing I did when I got up, was get dressed and not linger in my bathrobe like I did yesterday. That was a good thing too, because when I went outside to pick up Tyke's turds, my neighbor was out there and I never know what mode of attack he is going to use on me. Today it was friendly, thank goodness, but I do feel better facing him with my clothes on. He's an old man who likes to complain and makes me nervous about going outside. His wife eggs him on from the background. There's always some tree or bush or cat to complain about and I get a sore stomach just thinking about it, so let's drop that subject.

I've been sitting crooked in the desk chair again, leaning to the right at an odd angle, and as a result I have a sore ribcage. I lean into the armrest and it cuts right underneath my ribs, causing me to sort of get stuck there and having to remove myself with some effort. It happens without me being aware of it, suddenly I'm in that position. Yesterday I put a pillow on that side and it helped. It prevented me from leaning over. What I really need to do is spend less time in this chair and in a minute, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk.

The sun is shining, but it's only 11C, so not very warm. I'm wearing my cold weather clothes plus my scarf. I'll see you in a bit.

We ran into a bit of freshly rotated soil that had fertilizer added and raked into it. Tyke thought he had died and gone to heaven. He rolled around in it like it was the best smelling perfume ever. Every time I thought he was done, he started up again. Luckily, it was dry and flaky, so nothing really got stuck to his fur, except some of the smell. It was so funny, I had never seen a dog do that before. I hope he doesn't do that when we run into cow dung or something. I wouldn't put it past him. I can just see us out in the fields in the countryside and Tyke in a big heap of cow shit. I think I better stay in town with him.

We also ran into my sister and her friend. This car stopped and a very handsome man with sunglasses on said "ciao" to me. I couldn't figure out at first who it was. I thought I was going to be pestered by a bunch of foreigners. Then I saw my sister and the pieces fell into place. I had to laugh at myself for being so silly that I automatically assumed handsome foreigners would pester me. That shows you what an attitude I have about myself.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms, as I'm totally not happy at the moment and I'm just pretending that I am. If not that, I'm having a shortage of sleep problem. I feel depressed and I'm going to lie down on the sofa.


A funnier one...

Before you do anything, please go to this post that I just wrote, because it explains my feelings about the medications that I take and that's important.

I said I would write a funnier post, because the other one was so serious, and by Jove, I'm going to do my very best or die trying. Well, I will not literally die, of course, but it would be embarrassing not to live up to my promise. I will beat myself with sticks if I don't make it. Not real big sticks, just small branches cut off from the jasmine that's growing in the flowerbed out back. That doesn't hurt very much. I know you don't want me to suffer.

As I sit here at my desk in the late evening, the dog is constantly lying in ambush of the cat, who is not all that dumb and is constantly expecting it and makes a beeline for the dining table every time, leaving the dog very frustrated and looking silly. He comes to complain to me, putting his paws on the keyboard and creating general havoc with my text and I have to be strict with him and chase him away, so that he is rejected by both females in the household. He's just a puppy and having a tough life already. He dejectedly lies down on the ground beside me and gives a very depressed impression, until the cat moves from her perch and the chase starts all over again.

I try to figure out all his different moods, but I assume that most of the time I'm wrong and have no idea about what goes on in his head, except for his happy mood which is unmistakable and as clear as a sunshiny day. I assume he is terribly bored with me because I don't do anything interesting and I don't make loud and cheerful noises and run and jump and act silly like a kid would and he is very fond of kids. I should adopt a kid to keep the dog amused. It's a good thing there's the cat to keep him busy.

I'm just the same middle aged woman that I've been now for 10 years and am planning to stay for quite a while longer as I plan to draw out the aging process as long as I can. Things get droopy, though, and are better covered up with as many clothes as the weather allows. Too bad I can't wear a veil to soften the effect of my face, which is starting to show it's age, though gently so. I'm not complaining too much, but it seems to me that gravity plays too much of a role as we get older and maybe we should spend large portions of our time standing on our heads to counteract it.

If I could afford plastic surgery, I would have work done on my eyes, because that's where gravity is pulling down the heavy eyelids above my eyes, making me look like a Saxon farmer and I have the rosy cheeks to go with it. I would like to have that bright starry eyed look and and have my eyes reappear from the folds of my skin. I also have lines that run from both sides of my nose to the corners of my mouth and which are not at all appealing and now that we are on the subject, I think my lips are disappearing too. Some Botox might be in order and I'm working on a double chin, which I would like to cut off with a fruit knife.

It's not fair that men become more appealing when they get older and we just get old and have to disguise it. I do honestly have to tell you, though, that I don't. As long as I don't have the money for a total make over, I'm letting nature take its course and trying to grow old gracefully, albeit very imperfect. In my more than imperfect way, I've become very laissez faire about my looks, although I try to dress as good as I can, but after that I don't fret about it. It's kind of a relief not to have the guys at building sites whistle at you. I'm much more anonymous to men now and that's okay. It's one of the benefits of being middle aged. Men don't bother you. I don't have to be sexy anymore. Jane Fonda still does. She's in a different category. That's why we don't hang out together.

I figure, when I walk the dog, people see the dog and not necessarily the woman holding the leash, sucking in her stomach and holding her butt tight. I only remember to do that one third of the time anyway, when I pass busy streets and I get self conscious. The rest of the time I let it all hang out as it pleases. The cute little dog ought to be the focus of attention and very often it is, making my presence in the street legitimate. I'm not just a middle aged woman walking the streets aimlessly, I have a mission. All middle aged women should have a dog to pull the attention away from themselves and give them an excuse to be out in the open. Otherwise you have to carry a purse and look like a woman with a purpose and that is hard sometimes.

It's easier if you drive a car. Nobody questions your presence on the road if you drive a car. You are immediately a figure of authority with rights. Try to have authority when you ride a bicycle, no way, no such thing. You're just something that can get run over easily, especially if you're loaded down with groceries. You have to have a big mouth when you ride a bicycle in order to yell at all the people who endanger your life, including suicidal pedestrians who throw themselves in front of your bike right off the sidewalk. If I were a Catholic, I would hang a picture of Our Dear Lord on my handlebars and trust in God. Since I'm agnostic, I can't be sure and feel that I take my life in my own hands every time. Such a dilemma.

The animals have given up the chase for the night and the dog is down for the count on the floor beside me, sound asleep for now. The household has settled down for the long hours of the quietness of the night, my favorite hours in which I find myself the happiest. I would always like to be up for the night, except that convention dictates that I sleep then. Maybe I'm still stuck in the wrong time zone, because I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I might add, though, that I'm always depressed when I'm in the States and happy when I get back home, so there's something about the time difference that influences my moods. Either that, or I just don't like being in the States.

I hope this was enough of a dose of humor attached to some reality. It was stand up comedy, except that I was sitting down and had no microphone. I'm still wide awake and suppose I will be for a while. I will make the best of it and enjoy myself by pestering other people on their blogs.


Friday, March 26, 2010

All done with that.

I've done chores and I read blogs until I got blog-reading-tiredness and couldn't even leave comments anymore. That's because I was behind on my blog reading and hadn't realized how far behind I really was, so I gave up and I hope that I will be excused by all of you who have not received a sign of my presence to your blog. I may have been there, but have been too overwhelmed mentally to leave behind a sensible comment. You should never do too much of one thing for a long time. It will drive you crazy.

I've just made myself a cup of coffee, because I'm starting to give up the ghost. I am yawning very badly and am in serious need of sleep, but I'm trying to fight it because of the time of day. In another 20 minutes I need to take my medicines and I hope to get my second wind from this cup of coffee. If everything fails, I'll go to bed for a nap, but it can only be a nap. I don't want my body to get the mistaken idea that we're settling down for the night.


Well, I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half and it was nice. I'm now drinking decaf, but I think I'm going to need a regular cup of coffee to really wake me up. It will be an exception to the rule of not drinking coffee in the evening. I think one of my medicines will need to be adjusted to make me less sleepy during the day, and that will be fine with me, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still taking too many. I think the anti-psychotic is the culprit, because one of the side effects is that it makes you very sleepy. That's why I've stopped taking them during the day. I was constantly sound asleep on the sofa. The other culprit could be the tranquilizer that I take at a high dosage during the day. I need to start reducing those, but I can't do that on my own. I need to do that in consultation with my psychiatrist.

I very much regret getting on some of these medications. I thought they would help me at the time, but more and more were added and now I'm stuck with the consequences of trying to get off them. And they all have side effects. I would not recommend to anybody that they get on some of these medicines. I think they are dangerous and unhealthy and the pharmaceutical industry is pushing doctors to prescribe them. There's supposed to be a pill to fix everything, but sometimes the cure is worse than the symptom and medicines get misused. Heavy duty medicines get prescribed when something lighter might have worked too. I have to get off some of these drugs before it's too late. I want to keep my antidepressant and my mood stabilizer and that's it. All the rest can go.

Well, now you know the true feelings I have about the drugs I take. I'm not such a blind believer in them. I shouldn't be on most of them and I'm on my third psychiatrist and they all inherit me with the drugs. Oh yeah, I forgot about the sleeping pill.

On to other things. My body has been tricked by the decaf and thinks it has had a real cup of coffee. Isn't that funny? I'm going to have another one. Maybe they should give me placebo pills instead of the real ones and they will work because of my believe in them.

I'm going to try and read a book in bed tonight and hope I have enough sense to put the book and the reading glasses away before I fall asleep. I haven't read anything for such a long time and I really miss it. Tyke will have to be on his best behavior if I mess it up.

I'm going to get ready for bed, I think, although it's not that late and tomorrow is Saturday. There is no humor in this post and that bothers me. I should write another funnier post now immediately, but I don't know if there is anybody funny home. I could have a look.

Have a good evening, or a good night, whichever applies to you.


A rainy Friday...

It is fairly early in the morning still and it has rained already. I think it rained during the night too. I have the back door open and could hear the birds welcome the day. It smells good outside, like springtime should, but that could all be in my fruitful imagination, because it is that time of year. When you hear the birds sing like that, you automatically start thinking along those lines.

Tyke has been running in and out and thinks he is having great adventures. He comes in quite excited and then plops down to go to sleep. I think he is just chasing cats that can climb fences and frustrate him and maybe the occasional bird. Oh, he just came to get me. Apparently he can't poop end pee without me watching him. I'm so honored.

I slept very well last night. I climbed under the covers and was asleep within a minute. I slept for 8 hours and could have slept more, but I felt like getting up. There may be a nap later in the day, though, now that I know it doesn't interfere with my night rest and now that I have decent decaf to drink. Welbutrin is supposed to cause you insomnia, but that has not been my experience. What causes me insomnia is coffee.

I just had my breakfast of Brie and a glass of cold milk. I'm still drinking the milk. This morning I had lost 5.2 kg, that's about 11.5 lbs.


I suddenly found myself so sleepy that I had to shut down the computer and go back to bed where I slept another 2 hours. I'm in the process of waking up now with another cup of coffee. I hope I'm successful, otherwise I'll have to go back to bed and it will be so boring for the dog, who's now looking out the window for people and dogs to bark at.

About the weight loss. I had said I would not weigh myself compulsively, but I find that I go on the scale almost every morning now. Just like I used to do when I was losing massive amounts of weight, so it is becoming a big deal to me and I want to keep track of it daily, so that I know I am losing weight and not unknowingly gaining any. Yeah right, it's becoming compulsive behavior, but I think it is very understandable and forgive myself for it. There are worse habits to have and I only have 12 kg to go. At this rate, it will take me 6 weeks. That's why I'm so excited.

Okay, I have sufficiently calmed down now and will write about something else. Tyke had found a book that had slipped under the bed and has torn it to pieces during the night. It is another fine mess for me to clean up. He had much fun chewing on the cover and spitting out the pieces. If he had hands, I would make him clean it up himself, but then again, he doesn't have the sense that God gave him either. He's more like a very inept small child that's just out of it's Pampers. Every time I think he's done destroying things, he finds something to tear apart. That's why I don't go to bed with a book and my reading glasses. I'll fall asleep with them in place and wake up to a disaster. If you'll remember, he's already destroyed one pair of reading glasses.

Now all I have to say is, "It's my monkey," and he grabs his monkey and keeps it just out of reach of me until I manage to grab it anyway and then we have a tug of war which I let him win. "How to amuse your dog and play other boring games with him. A handy guide book in 10 chapters, illustrated with very interesting photographs.Published by Reader's Digest."

Oh, I just found out that I have a choice of languages now to write in and have a spell check for. Well, that sure simplifies my life. Now I don't have to keep rereading the text for stupid mistakes. I can also point my mouse to an English word and it gives me the translation in Dutch, which is interesting and not always to my agreement, but then nobody asked me first. I think they should have.

Before, it would only spell check in Dutch and, of course, it was underlining every word and giving me Dutch words to put down instead. Now it's reading the text in American English. It gave me that option, so the dictionary must have installed itself anyway. They just assume you'll figure out all these things by yourself, which I did, quite by accident. Maybe I'm a dumb blond after all.

Well, it's time to do something else besides sit here and write posts, though what it could be I have no idea. Well yes, there are several options when I really think about it. None are really urgent, though, but not many things in my life are. They are things I ought to do.

Have a great day. It's still raining on and off here.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

A long nap.

I suddenly had to stop writing my last post, because I was overcome with sleep and had to go take a nap in my bed under the duvet. I slept for nearly 3 hours and felt better when I woke up. All day long, though, I have been trying to get rid of a sad feeling that is at the root of everything I do and say. There is a distinguished lack of happiness and courage to the point that I have to force myself to act like I felt two days ago, so that nobody will notice the difference and think that my medicine isn't working, while in fact that is probably just the case.

I think I'm not functioning well on just one tablet of the Welbutrin and that I miss the second tablet very much. I've always reacted immediately to the tablets from the first moment I took them and I think not taking the second one is draining me. I noticed it again tonight when I took my other medication at 6 o'clock. I sat here all worn out and unenthused and unhappy and I just could not get excited about what I was doing. At 7:30 I made a decision and took a second tablet and I'm now waiting for it to start working.

I'm turning things back to the original scenario and will have to inform my SPN tomorrow. I am going to see what I can do about influencing my moods myself by going to bed on time and getting enough sleep and not letting myself get pulled along by the drama of the events. I have to try and stay calm and in control at all costs and I know that I can do that. My psychiatrist and my SPN made their decisions based on my interpretation of the event and that influenced their reaction to it and it may have been totally overdone.

Anyway, here I am sitting writing another post again and eating Brie, which is very good, but I can only have a little bit of it. I bought some expensive decaf and I'm now going to taste it. Well, it's not bad as decafs go. I can live with it.

Outside the weather has changed. It's a lot cooler and it's raining. I just had to let Tyke out back, but I was cold standing there with my bare arms. I'm wearing a short sleeved top now and my green scarf wrapped around my neck, which provides a lot of warmth. It's the best invention since the wheel.

As is usual, I'm wasting a lot of time writing this and it will be bedtime when I'm done. That's okay, I'm ready to go to sleep, I think. I'm looking forward to crawling under the covers and sleeping. I'm a little bit worried about taking the antipsychotic, but I'm going to take it at the normal amount, so it should be okay. I'd like to take even less than what I take now, but that's something for the near future to be decided upon.

I'm boring and I'm going to quit writing,

Have a good night, everyone.


A hot day for springtime...

My sister and I took the dogs for a long walk and the sun was shining and it was warm outside and I regretted my choice of clothes and the fact that I didn't have anything to drink with me. What I wanted more than anything was a cold Coke, but there weren't any around where we were walking and we only passed a hardware store. When we got home, Tyke immediately went to his water bowl and I went to the refrigerator to drink a lot of cold milk straight out of the bottle. I can do that, because I'm the only one who lives here.

I wanted to change my clothes, but I didn't have time, because my sister came to pick me up to go grocery shopping. We drove there with the windows rolled down and it felt good. Luckily, it was cool in the store, so I wasn't too miserable. I was done shopping quickly, because I almost always get the same old things and I know my way around the store by now. I got the French cheeses and Mr Muscle Cleaner. It's got to work as good as anything and it was on sale. I hope my domestic help is happy with it. She's got to scrub with it.

I first put the groceries away when I got home and then took my tights off and changed my top to a tank top and that was quite a relief. Now I have cool legs and cool arms. It's 20C and much warmer than they had predicted. The sun is shining and they said it would be 17C and cloudy. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 11C and rainy. I hope they get that wrong too. I complain about the cold, but 20C is plenty warm enough for me. It really doesn't need to get warmer than that.

I feel surprisingly unexcited without the urge to write many posts and without the feeling that I have much to announce. I don't feel that I need to declare myself on all sorts of subjects anyway. I'm a bit more subdued than I have been. I'm not quite happy with that, because I like to be a little more lively, with a little bit more spirit. I'll blame it on the too much of antipsychotic that I've had and that is slowly leaving my body. I don't think that was a very good move of my psychiatrist and I'm not happy with it. I've written my SPN an email letting her know, but she is out of the office today and won't get it until tomorrow morning. I'm taking my normal dose of antipsychotics tonight.

I'm going to lie down and take a nap.


Too much for me...

I'm up again after having been asleep for 4 hours. I thought I would go to bed early tonight, because of the missed hours of sleep last night, but it didn't quite work out the way I had planned. Now I'm awake, somewhat stoned from the increase in antipsychotics, which I do not like at all, and I've made myself a cup of coffee to try and sober up a bit. I had no other recourse. I think I will not take the increase again, it is too much for me and it did not help me sleep and for a while I actually felt sick from it and broke out in a sweat.

I think the coffee is helping, though, and I'm slowly starting to feel better. I don't enjoy drugs to the point that they alter your mind in a negative way and that was the case here to the point of quiet deperation. In my mind's eye I was calling the SOS line asking them what to do if you had taken too much of something, though not an overdose. In the meantime, I think I've solved the problem myself. I was typing emails earlier and making a lot of mistakes in them and it took me twice as long to write them, but now this is going better.

So in the end, the only thing that will have changed, is that I will take one tablet of Welbutrin instead of two, and less is better, right? I have to have the same amount of faith in it that I had in the two tablets and I think I can if nothing negative happens. I'm assuming everything will be well and will see the glass half full. So, I didn't take my Welbutrin at 6 o'clock and you would have thought that I had expected the sky to come falling down on me. Of course, nothing happened and nothing will, because I haven't taken it long enough yet. My reaction was funny, though, like Chicken Little.

Don't you hate it when you hold the mouse and your middle finger keeps clicking on the right button when you don't want it to at all? It happens to me constantly and I really have to let go of that mouse when I don't need to hold it, but that habit dies hard. Even when you need to hold it, your middle finger reflexively keeps pushing down that right button, showing that whole little menu that you don't want and then you have to find a white space to left click on to make it disappear. It's just one of life's little irritations.

I just went on the scale, which is something I said I would not do regularly, but I thought, "What the heck, lets see the state of affairs," and I have lost 4.7 kg. That's more than 10 lbs. Not bad, eh? I celebrated that by eating a couple of teaspoons full of Nutella. Mmm... Those are Dutch teaspoons, not American teaspoons, which are much bigger and would be dessert spoons here, except that we eat pie and cake with little forks that are especially made for it, and we don't eat ice cream with them so we don't need a spoon for them. But if you are an American, and you come to my place for apple pie, I'll make sure you get vanilla ice cream with that. But if you're a non smoker, you don't want to come to my place, because if you spend any time here, your clothes and your hair will smell of smoke and you will find it very unpleasant. So, only smokers please.

I'm being a real slow poke in typing this. Hours have passed since I started this and I don't know what I do with my time either. Proof reading, because I don't have a spell check, although I just imported an American English dictionary, but I don't know what happened to it. I'll have to figure that out later. I don't know what else I do, except daydream a lot about what is important in my life and what is not and I think about all the different ingredients and people in it. I don't ponder and worry, these are very light hearted thoughts. I lightly touch on each subject and linger there for a while. Basically, everything and everybody is okay. Everyone is busy leading their own life and doing a good job of it. There's not much to worry about, except the little every day things, but even those aren't real worries. It's kind of nice, isn't it? A worry free life?

I'm keeping myself upright now with coffee. I've had two cups. I think I will sleep in the morning like I used to do. I may be getting back to my old schedule. It's not such a horrible thing, because at least I have the quiet nighttime hours to sit and write in. I've got the ringer on the phone turned down low, so when I'm asleep, I don't hear it and I can't be wakened up. I hardly hear it if I'm in another room. If they are people who really know me, they've got my mobile number. If not, it's tough on them.

For the post with the information about my hypomanic episode and my medication change go here if you're interested. If not, don't worry about it. In the end it doesn't really matter.

Have a good morning when you get up. I hope it's a bright day.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Let me tell you...

Toward the morning I went to bed and fell asleep within seconds after I laid down. Apparently I was very tired after all and I had just been putting off going to bed. Whatever stubborn streak that was in me I don't know, but it sure didn't come in handy, because I probably could have gone to bed much sooner if I hadn't subconsciously insisted on staying awake. I woke up 4 hours later, refreshed and ready to start the day, although once I was actually up, I did realize that I needed a cup of coffee, because I had some trouble making cigarettes for myself, something I should be able to do blindfolded. I managed to make 5 cigarettes before I gave up and made myself some coffee.

My computer gave me some trouble with starting up and it was making a lot of noise as if it was busy doing a lot of important things that were all a mystery to me. It would not start up the email program and when it finally did, it didn't react and it had to be shut down in a complicated way that took much time. Then it told me there were updates that needed to be installed. so maybe it had been looking for them. The updates are now installed, but I wasted a good hour doing all these things. Grumble! I don't like Windows Vista all that much. It's too cumbersome. It's still mumbling to itself and I don't know why. It should be nearly silent now. I may have gotten a white elephant, but with a lot of gigabytes, I do have to give you that.

I may have gone through a rapid cycle and have been hypomanic during the night, until I got a hold of myself and managed to get out of it. I'll have to tell my SPN about it when I see her this afternoon and make sure she realizes that it's over now and has been since early this morning. It certainly was an odd experience, especially the way I kept writing posts as if I could not stop myself. It was all a prelude to madness. Well, it's done now and I'm glad. I wasn't as comfortable and happy as I was claiming to be. There was a certain amount of messianic mania to it. It had me tottering in a high place. For those of you who were worried, you had good reason to be. It could easily have gotten out of hand.

I will finish writing this post when I've seen my SPN. That will prevent me from having to write two posts.


Apparently the computer triggers my manic behavior, I become obsessed with it and I can feel the obsession grow already now as I write this. The later in the day it gets, the more my obsession grows, until there's hardly any stopping it and I must write almost constantly and get all my messages across, harmless as they start out to be. As I write more and more I seem to be somebody on a soapbox who is announcing evangelical messages. It seems to be that way to me, anyway. I'm afraid of what profound things I'm going to declare next.

A sane person would say, turn of the computer, but I'm not able to. It's impossible for me to do that. I would feel completely cut off from the most important thing in my life. It goes on first thing in the morning and it goes out last thing at night. I don't know how that is for you people, but for me it seems like an addiction, especially now that I have a new computer. I can't not turn it on.

I'm writing this post now and it has a certain mood to it, so there's not much I can do about it, except try to lighten it, but it seems impossible to do that. So to offset this post that is set in this mood, I will feel the need to very quickly write another post that is set in another mood. A happy go slappy mood. At least, that's what I would attempt. And one post would follow the other until I got it right and we were back to the messianic mania again.

It is important that this does not get out of hand tonight, because my medication will need to be adjusted. I don't want to take too much at the risk of being too hyper to go to sleep and sitting here obsessively writing posts. I don't want me to get out of hand.

Okay, I just had my SPN on the phone, and she had a consultation about my medication with my psychiatrist, and I'm to cut the Welbutrin by half and increase my antipsychotic medicine temporarily. So, I'm not imagining things and I am being taken seriously and I think they are doing the right things. I'm not happy about increasing the antipsychotic, but since it's only temporarily, I'll go along with it. I will now be taking the amount of Welbutrin that ordinary people also start with and not double the amount hat I had insisted on at the risk of becoming manic. It only gets increased if it doesn't work at the original dose.

Well, that's good, I'm being pro-active and that makes people help you figure things out. Everybody puts on their thinking caps and helps you work out the problem. People who know about medication and how it works.


Past midnight...

Now, in case any of you are wondering, I am not hypomanic. Let me make that perfectly clear. I'm not having to peel myself off the ceiling from joy. Nor am I showing any sort of irresponsible behavior. I'm not ordering things on line that I can't afford or making promises that I can't keep or doing anything to endanger my safety. I am just having a writing compulsion and you can look at it as sort of an excentric bit of behavior that I am exhibiting right now, but it is completely harmless. It is odd, I agree with that, but it is also funny and I am amused by it and I hope you will all be amused by it with me.

I don't know where this drive is coming from, but it may be a side effect from my pills, like I have other side effects that I am pleased with, although this one may be considered a mixed blessing. I know you can't keep up with the amounts op posts I'm publishing, but although I would like that very much, I can't expect it of you and we'll just see this as Nora writing for her own sake and getting all her loose thoughts down and publishing them in a public forum, so they exist. Besides that, I find this a very pleasant way to spend my time and I'm always up for the challenge of what I will write about that might be the least bit interesting.

I don't like to write about my memories very much, although I have many and could entertain you with all sorts of them, both joyful and sad, but I have decided not to live in the past anymore, at least not consciously, and I would hate to purposely write a story down from my long ago. I will tell you a flash of a memory.

*We used to go for walks in the forest and my father, who had big muscles in his arms, would swing from tree limbs and make that sound like Tarzan made and I used to think that was the neatest thing. I had a very fun father.*

Flashes of memory are okay and you'll have to remind me to give you more of these and they will probably all involve my father, because I had the most amount of fun with him.

In the meantime I'm writing all these missives as if I am a woman on a secret mission and I have to write as many reports as I can about the state of affairs of my intended target. Well, my intended target is me, who else do you write about in a blog post, which is the ultimate ego document. Never in my whole life have I been able to be so much the focus of attention as I have been here and I hope it's not gone to my head and I'm suffering from delusions of grandure. It's very possible, you know, that these pills have given me a mega-ego and that I think I am everything the world revolves around. The fact that I am thinking that must not make it true.

I have taken my medicines nearly an hour ago and you would think that they'd work by now but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm as wide awake as an owl at midnight.

Well, if it's going to be one of those night I better prepare myself for it and make sure I have enough to do. I'm not going to change the living room around, I like it fine the way it is, but I'm sure there are some other interesting things to do. I've washed the striped cover of the arm chair and I can put that back on. I can also wash the sofa cushion covers, although the washing machine may make too much noise. I better save that for during the day, because I have to vacuum the sofa too. I can complete my email address book. Noiseless things, that's what I have to do. Writing many blog posts with yourself as the main character is very noiseless.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I might be smart if I got a little bit of sleep before that time. It wouldn't do if I sat there all wired and manic. It would definitely give the wrong impression. She would call in my psychiatrist and they would reduce my new medication, because it has been known that at the dose I take it people can get manic from it.

Never mind, go with the flow. Let anything that happens now take place and see where it takes you. Who knows where you will end up and what you will discover along the way. It could be quite a revelation. Any kind of alteration to the mind is an opportunity for new discoveries and experiences as long as you don't approach them with fear or think of them as something scary taking place inside of you that you have no control over, because you do to a certain extent. You just can't completely give yourself over to it, you do have to retain some amount of control.

Just tell yourself that and you will see what happens. You will find out that you enter the state of mind with a certain amount of watchfulness and not at all as helpless as you thought you were and I think that goes for any state of mind. We can always be the observer and keep a certain amount of disance from ourselves and not be completely pulled in by our own emotions.Keep a healthy distance from yourself and it will hurt and bewilder you less.

I feel wide awake now, but not at all hypomanic. I feel very calm and peaceful, and whatever flighty feelings I had a while ago are gone now and I have been brought back to earth to where both my feet are planted. My head is not in the clouds and I do not feel like flying off into the big blue yonder and letting all my responsibilities fall behind me. I've called myself back to order by being my own observer and taking distance from my own feelings and state of mind. I removed myself from the situation and walked away from it. You may have to literally do that.

So you see, my ego document is turning out not to be so megalomaniac after all. In the end I turned out to be quite sane. Those of you who disagree are free to do so. It's all a matter of interpretation. I'm making sense to me, but maybe I'm not making sense to you. Then we are just two ships passing in the night, which is a shame. I just hope that neither one of us is the Titanic ;0)

I'm going to end this insightful saga now, but no doubt there will be more tonight, so hold on to your seat belts. I'm on my soapbox.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A fool for love...

Well, I'm not a fool for love, necessarily, unless you count my love for writing posts. I write so many posts that people don't get the opportunity to comment on them. So, please go to this post for the latest news on the visit with my psychiatrist.

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but then I couldn't find that email address of that person I was talking about earlier, so I looked through all my older comments until I found one by her and got her email address that way. It was a lot of work and it kept getting later and pretty soon I was past that crucial time of going to sleep. I had stopped yawning and was wide awake again, but it is my experience that writing a post at this time of the night is sleep inducing and that very often I don't even have to finish it before I'm ready to go to bed and can just delete it. Probably that will be the case tonight too.

It was strange to go through those old comments. Of course, I didn't stop and read every one of them, I was just looking for a name, but every once in a while one caught my attention and I read it and was reminded of what it was in reaction to and what I noticed the most is that I went through an awful lot of ups and downs and that they followed each other rapidly. One moment I was okay and the next moment I wasn't. I see now how totally unacceptable that was and how it never should have happened, but how could it have been stopped? I was rapid cycling constantly, it seemed, and somehow I kept on functioning as if that was normal. Well, except for the infamous suicide attempt. I certainly don't want that to happen anymore and expect my moods to be regular now and steady.

I had my 4th cup of coffee, but didn't finish it all. I wish I could find a good decaf and I would drink that instead. I'm going to have to look around at what's available and see if there's a good brand of decaf. Even if it is expensive, it would be worth the money. I like the taste of a cup of Senseo and could easily be fooled by a good cup of decaf. To me that would taste like the real thing and be just as satisfying.

I had momentarily lost my dog and didn't realize he was lying under the desk. I didn't see him anywhere. He is sound asleep and so quiet. When I don't see him, I get a little feeling of panic as I think an accident has befallen him and he is lying somewhere injured, because he's always getting into things. Usually I think he has choked to death on something he has tried to eat that was not edible. It's just like having a toddler in the house. He swallows everything that he thinks is small enough. I just hope it all comes out at the other end. I don't care to look for it specifically to see if it did.

Gandhi is playing it safe and has just about taken up permanent residence on the dining table. Right she is. That pesky dog can't bother her there. She's lying on the open phone book now that I needed yesterday and left out for her, as she seems to think it is comfortable. Anything to accomodate a cat, really.

The cats like their kibbles better from the ceramic bowl than they did from the metal dishes and also prefer their water from a ceramic bowl and it has to be as fresh as possible. That's why I set it in the sink, so new water can be added all the time. Toby still likes water straight from the faucet and Gandhi still prefers cold milk. Don't you love cats that come with an instruction booklet? It makes life interesting. Tyke eats his food from a ceramic dish and drinks his water from a metal bowl and it needs to be refreshed every day at least once. It's a big bowl for a little dog.

I'm sufficiently yawning now, no doubt induced by writing this post, although I hope that reading it will not have the same effect on you. If so, please go to the other more interesting post, or the one before that. Take your pick. I will go put on my PJs now and take my medicines and sit here until I get really drowsy, until I fall of my chair. I'll probably curl up next to Tyke under the desk.

Sleep tight!


Music to write by.

The Exfactor came and looked at my speaker problem and realized immediately that I needed a power cable to make them work, which is something that I had suspected also, but I did not know what it looked like or where to plug it in. The problem was solved almost right away, though we had some problem finding the right place to plug the cable into, but we managed that in the end too, and voilá, music! Ella Fitzgeralds lovely voice came pouring out of the speakers. I knew the Exfactor would solve my problem and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot from him.

In my spare time I've been adding to my playlist of popular music with such people as Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash and Sammy Davis Jr and Elvis Presley (all of his old stuff). See, I was born in the wrong era. This time I have no modern music. Oh, and I have Buddy Holly too. I'm just going to pretend it's sometime in the fifties and early sixties and that I was a grown up then who hung out in cocktail bars and smoked cigarettes from a long elegant cigarette holder and who men bought interesting cocktails for. I probably never would have gotten into the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Not that I ever did, really. I liked classical music.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he was genuinely pleased for me that things were going so well. I sat there quite perky and alert and I don't think he has ever seen me like that. Usually I was this slow and morose woman who was very serious. I wasn't being frivolous now, but much more light hearted and uncomplicated. I'm feeling so much better now and he said that I should feel the complete effect of the Welbutrin in another 2 weeks, so I've got something to look forward to.

I'm going to start reducing the rest of my old medication next week with little increments at the time, so that I will not have any problems with it. I shouldn't have withdrawal problems, but really, after that enormous reduction I did at the beginning and the one day of enormous withdrawal symptoms I had from that, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Nothing will ever be as bad as that, and it only lasted for one day. I'm assuming a lot, aren't I? I'm either very optimistic or very naive. I'll just assume the best case scenario.

I had a cup of coffee there, but it must have been a very weak one, because I'm yawning something awful and will be forced to make my own cup. That will bring the total up to 4 cups for today, which is not too bad. It is within reason. I like the fact that I'm tired, because I'll go to bed early tonight and fall asleep quickly and hopefully sleep late in the morning. Sleep is a many splendored thing. You can guess who I'm listening to now, can't you? Music used to be overly romantic. It was not at all good for people. It gave them the completely wrong idea about love. Especially those of us who were very impressionable. Ahum!

There, I just took Tyke for a walk and it wasn't even cold out, 13C. That feels like warm weather to us. Tomorrow it's going to be very warm, 19C. Can you believe it? It's fine, as long as I get to keep wearing my cowboy boots. I'll wear them even if the sparrows fall from the roof because of the heat, as the saying goes.

Today, in the waiting room, I saw a woman who used to be in my therapy classes with me and I was so glad to see her, because I really liked her a lot. Now I have to find her email address that I have around here somewhere, because we only had a short time to talk. It was so nice to see her friendly face and I realized how much I had missed seeing her. We used to have intense conversations during the coffee breaks. She reads this blog off and on, so I hope she leaves me a comment so I can contact her.

Well, okay people, that's all my rambling for right now. You probably won't hear from me again tonight, because I'll go to sleep early, in my clean apartment, in my clean bed, with squeeky clean hair.

Have a good evening!


Tuesday morning.

It's really sad when you can't think of a better title for your blog post than that one, but that's all I can come up with for right now. I've just made my second cup of coffee and I'm hoping it will stimulate my brain into better action. I've been up for more than two hours, so I do expect some productivity, but the going is slow, although I have had 6.5 hours of sleep and that should be enough.

I managed to add another hour after I let Tyke out back to do his business, and Tyke did look quite bewildered when I got back into bed. He thought it was time to play and eat and do other interesting things, like kill his monkey that he already pulled one eye off. I'm always going to buy him stuffed animals and sturdy ones that were made for little kids and that are hard to pull apart. We were just playing with it and I was pretending it was my monkey and he became quite possessive of it and started to growl while his tail was wagging, because he thought it was wonderful that we were having a tug of war. He's lying on top of it now, so I won't be able to get to it. I'll leave him in that illusion. He does need to think that he can win from me sometimes, especially when it is about his toys and not about sponges stolen from a bucket.

Well, the second cup of coffee has sufficiently woken me up and I can function now, or maybe it was playing with Tyke that did it. I've taken another menopausal tablet, but it's too early to say anything sensible about it. I'll let you know in a week how it is working. I have them lying on the dining table, so I won't forget to take them. I don't want to take them with my other medicines, in case they interfere, but they are all natural ingredients, so it should be okay. I don't know, you always make these assumptions about things and you easily can be wrong, like I was about the vitamins and minerals capsules.

I've just realized that I haven't bought any French cheeses for a while and that I should really do that again. I like the Brie and the Camembert and I should buy a small supply of them. They keep well in the refrigerator and I can eat a little bit at the time. It doesn't take much to fill me after all. They are a good food source and speaking of that, I keep forgetting about the eggs that I've bought and need to eat. I need to put them in a different place in the refrigerator so I won't overlook them. Anything on the top shelf gets forgotten. I better start making a habit out of eating a scrambled egg on a regular basis. I will make one as soon as I've finished this.

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to get here so he can solve the mystery of the computer speakers. I hope he has the answer for them, because I really want to listen to music. After a silent winter, I am ready for some pleasant noise and my choice has fallen on Jazz. That's what I'm in the mood for and I've made a playlist with "Porgy and Bess" on it as interpreted by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. I've also got Sarah Vaughn and I can't wait to hear her sing "Summertime." I've got Ellington and Monk and Howlin' Wolf, although I don't know if he is strictly Jazz, I think he is more of the Blues. If anybody has any suggestions, then please let me know. I've put Nat King Cole under popular music, I don't know if by rights his music is Jazz. Any opinions on that?

Well, I've got to see a man about a horse as they say, but to me that could mean anything. I think it's a handy expression, although I think it's commonly used only by men. There must be a reason for that. Somebody will have to explain it to me.

Have a good day you all!


Monday, March 22, 2010

A super Monday...

My domestic help just left and she did a super job cleaning the bathroom and the doors and the wood work and mopping the floors. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I gave her several options and she went straight to work. It was a completely different experience from last time when I didn't feel that I was in charge at all. So, I really want this girl to come back.

You all thought I was doing chores out of my own free will before she came over to make the apartment look good, but that is not the case. I had a list of things that I was supposed to take care of and I had not done a thing all week, so I thought I had better get busy on it. I should have been dusting and sweeping all week, but I didn't see the sense in that and it seemed like a waste of time. Before the domestic help came over I was supposed to dust and vacuum and mop the floors, and clean the toilet and wash basin.

Well, I dusted the livingroom and vacuumed my bedroom and the area rug, but Tyke gets very hyper and barks non stop when you vacuum and that's not pleasant for the neighbors. So I swept the rest of the apartment, but I refused to mop the floors. I sort of cleaned the toilet and the wash basin was okay. I was going to clean the door that the Exfactor got out of the shed, but never got around to it, and the girl ended up doing it for me today, which I thought was very nice of her.

I did figure that I did enough of my share of the work and busied myself with other things while she was here. So called administrative work and phone calls. I made it look all very important, and some of it really was, because I have decided to start the therapy classes at the location downtown and have to have an intake for that and I called to make an appointment for it. My contact person there was very happy to hear it and I feel full of p**s and vinegar and courage, and I've only had two cups of coffee so far.

I slept 11 hours last night, I went to sleep at 8 pm, because I was completely beat and sat here as a sad little sparrow behind the computer, and I woke up at 7 o'clock this morning. I thought that was enough sleep and got up, though maybe I could have slept more. Tyke decided it was time to get up and I did have to take my medicines. I only sat here slightly comatose, not as bad as it has been at other times, and I was functioning pretty quickly. At least within a half an hour. I allow myself to be completely confused for the first 30 minutes. I try to function, but I know it's useless. After a long sleep, my brain needs more time for reconstruction. I guess it takes the neurons a little while longer to find the pathways.

My sister did some groceries for me while the help was here. We couldn't go together, because she had other obligations later this afternoon. She picks up groceries for me and doesn't want to get paid for them, so I keep them to the bare minimum and only ask for a few things. I'm still trying to find out what her bank account number is, so I can transfer some money to it, but she won't tell me.

She's so generous and I have Nutella again, but I have to tell you, over all I feel better if I don't eat, or eat very little. Food does not make me happy. I only eat a little because I get hungry, but that's it. A few bites and that's enough. I don't indulge and I have no desire to. It's almost as if food is a mind altering substance and I like how I feel without it.

While the domestic help was here, Tyke was stealing the sponges out of her bucket and tearing them to pieces under the dining table. We only caught on to what he was doing when he walked into the living room with the third dripping wet sponge in his mouth. I was on the phone and had not noticed it, but I looked under the table and there were a hundred pieces of sponge lying there, and Tyke had that innocent "Who me?" look on his face. He was very disgusted that we had caught on to him and tried it a few more times, until I managed to distract him with a rawhide stick. He sure does like the domestic help, though, and follows them wherever they go and tries to steal their supplies, because he tries to get their cleaning rags too, but he finds everything they do interesting.

The windows haven't been cleaned yet and the sun is shining brightly through them. Oh, what a wonderful sight. It makes me almost want to do them myself, except that I am notoriously bad at cleaning windows. I could do the ones in the back, though, because the sun never shines on them and nobody would see if they were done well or not. The problem is that I would also have to do the woodwork and I'm less enthused about that. That's such finicky work. I will have to give this some thought and see if I can come to my senses.

Oh, it's completely later in the evening now and I got completely side tracked, because I wanted some music, but I had to get my speakers to work and they didn't, no matter what I tried, so I switched speakers, but I couldn't get them to work either, but never mind, I decided to go to Deezer anyway and start a new playlist for Jazz and got completely wrapped up in that, so I forgot all about the time and my surroundings. I was like a little fanatic woman going after as many jazz performers as I could think off and I will have the Exfactor look at the speakers tomorrow and see if he can make any sense of them. I realy have no idea what I am doing wrong, unless there is a cable missing that I am also supposed to plug in, though I have no idea where that cable would go. I am stumped and in need of expertise.

I'm sitting here quite cozily by the light of the desk lamp without a cup of coffee, so that brings my total to 3 today. Not bad, eh? From all the excitement of hanging out at Deezer and looking up artists, I have become so worked up that I am not in the least tired now and I need to find a way to slow down. I do want to have another good sleep like I had last night, but I guess you can't always expect repeat performances. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed, but I will put on my pajamas and pretend I'm very sleepy. Oh, I forgot, I have to walk Tyke still. I better do that before I put my pajamas on. I would look kind of strange if I went out there in my bathrobe.

I'm in a very good mood and feel invinceable, without a spell check it is hard to figure out if I wrote that right, but I'll assume that you know what I mean. I feel like doing great deeds and that I ought to do them now and not waste any time and now the act of sleeping seems like a waste of time. I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I can't lie about the amount of sleep I had, so I better make sure I get to bed at one point. I have to be so darn honest all the time. I can't tell any white lies for the sake of my own bestwill as I see fit. I feel like today the medicine really kicked in and started too work and tomorrow it will be two weeks since I started on it. No, actually, I took my first pill on a Monday evening, I think. Yes, I'm sure of it. Without psychiatric approval.

I have lost 4.5 kg. I wasn't going to get on the scale all the time, but now I find myself curious regularly and I do. I try not to make a daily habit of it and when I forget and have had a cup of coffee, I don't weigh myself. I have to do it first thing when I get up out of bed or not at all. Luckily, very often I forget. Otherwise it would become an obsession and I don't want it to be, because I eat what I eat and that has nothing to do with how much I weigh. I'm not going to count glasses of milk.

I just got natural capsules for the menopause in the mail that I had ordered on line and I just took the first one and I'm very curious to see if they will help me. They are recommended for women between 43 and 63 years of age. The big question is if they will interfere with my medications, that is always the risk I take. I will find out soon enough. I want to try them because I want to find out if they will help me with my night sweats and having to go to the bathroon every night. It says it will help that. Well, we'll see. Maybe these will be good and they will actually do their job, they are from a reputable firm, so I expect results. If I start to act funny, you know it will be why.

It's getting late now and I really do need to go walk my poor dog. I have given him a stuffed monekey to play with and it is a great success, except that now I keep thinkin, "What is that dead animals lying on the floor?"

I could go on talking at you guys forever, but I'll call a halt to it and spare you your patience. I have so much to say and nobody to say it to. Darn it!

Have a good night, you people!