Trademark...

Since it is really my trademark to write about coffee in all of my posts, I'll mention it first and get that out of the way. It always makes for a good beginning and sets the tone for the rest of the post. It gets me in the right mood, sort to say. 

So let me tell you that I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and that I'm doing that instead of taking a nap which I was in danger of needing after the domestic help left. I get so bored of sitting around doing nothing but petting the dog when she is here that it makes me feel sleepy and long for my bed. 

I never feel that I can do anything important while the domestic help is here because I would only get in the way of her so I make myself as unobtrusive as possible. I sit in one spot as much as possible until I have to move out of the way when she vacuums and mops the floors.

I don't feel that I can quite relax because I do feel that I have to keep an eye on her as she moves through the apartment and cleans it. Now that she's five months pregnant she's getting a little too relaxed and isn't cleaning as well as she did before. She's done in one hour and she should work for two. She's cleaning the French way. 

She wants to keep working until she's eight months pregnant but I wonder how she'll be able to. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her job and benefits and I'm not going to complain about her, but I do want to know what has been cleaned and what hasn't. I have to let the other domestic help know. It is a bit of a problem. 

I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday to discuss the fact that I'm unhappy with her. I let my psychiatrist know that in an email today. I feel that I have to speak up for myself, but that it's not a popular thing to do. I have to tell myself that it's normal to make demands and claim what you are rightfully entitled to, but I feel some trepidation. 

I do know what I want. I am in charge of my life and the things and events in it and I would like to be in some sort of control of them. I don't like for other people to come around and mess them up. I would like for things to run as smoothly as I can make them. I do wish for some amount of peace and quiet as I strive hard enough for that. 

Ciao,
Irene

Back to the future...

I've stopped reducing my anti-psychotic medication and have gone back to the original dose.I figured there was no need to go through all that stress and anxiety and near craziness because I had it in my head to get along on a lesser dose. I consider the reduction to be a failed experiment and I will let my psychiatrist know on Monday. 

I do have to tell you that since increasing the dose, I feel a lot better, but that maybe because of the sedative qualities of the medication. I will have to be on this dose for a couple of days to really be able to tell the difference. I do feel a lot of relief and am glad that the reality of the situation dawned on me. 

It did take a while but in the end common sense prevailed. I was short of that for some time and could not think straight very well. It was especially bad in the morning when I was run over by an avalanche of anxiety. That was a tough way to start the day and I don't recommend it to anyone. 

It's better to sit in peacefulness and solitude and drink your coffee quietly when you first get up. The most you want to do is pet your dog or cat. That's how it should be. A person should always have a gentle start. 

I've had some coffee just now and walked the dog so I am in near perfect shape. I've had my caffeine and some fresh air which were just what I needed. I'm no health nut but I do know that I have to get out of the apartment every once in a while and stretch my limbs. Thank goodness that I have the dog to take me. 

It wouldn't quite work out with the cat unless I was willing to jump over fences and garden gates. That would be one way to get a work out but I'm afraid I'm not that limber or strong. I probably couldn't pull up my own weight to clamber over a fence. I would have had to have long years of practice. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,

Irene

Onward forever and then some...

I can tell you one thing and that is that I'm not depressed anymore. That bird has flown the coop. The mood has escaped me. I am so relieved. I thought it had during the night but I didn't want to jubilate ahead of time. Now that it's daytime, I know for sure. I'm in a fine mood and all my worries seem far away. Hey, isn't that a line in a song? No, that goes a little bit different than that. 

I've reduced my anti-psychotics from 8 mg to 6 mg and I think that's made the difference. I think I was taking too much. That former amount was okay when I was hypo-manic but it was too much when I came down to earth again and I think it made me depressed. It was a temporary measure anyway and was never meant to be of permanent nature. 

I think my psychiatrist can trust me enough to make these decisions. I do have some personal leeway when it comes to some of my medicines. I know damn well what they do with me and it's not always the right thing at the right time.

So now I'm sitting here with my good mood and the best of intentions. The apartment is cleaned up, but I do have a stack of mail to plow through. I will do that shortly. Since it's Saturday, I've got all day to do it and no phone calls to make about it. Everybody on the help desks will have the weekend off. That does give me a break. It's nice when something is impossible to do. It gives you time to think about it. 

I was outside with the dog in the beautiful warm sunshine and wore my summer top. I do want to get a little bit of color before it gets too hot. I can't believe how pleasant it was out there and have opened all the windows to air out the place. Now it's really springtime and tonight we set the clocks ahead one hour. I do look forward to the extra hour of daylight in the evening. 

My older sister is going to have a galstone operation. Apparently there is nothing else wrong with her and that is a big relief. She did have us worried there for a while. She's very sick with them and it's about time something is done about them. She's just not assertive enough when it comes to her health. I don't take after her.

The dog is lying down on the dining table in the sunshine that is coming in through the windows. I think he likes it very much. This morning he tore the outer layer off a tennis ball. The rug in the living room was covered with fuzz. He had such a goood time doing that. He's got three balls left to go. He always does find ways to amuse himself and then there's always the cat to bother. 

The Exfactor bought me chewable vitamins and they are as good as candies. They are forest berry flavor and I want to keep eating them, but I'm not supposed to. That makes me think that I have a secret longing for sweets. I ought to buy a bag of them the next time I'm in the pharmacy. They have a good selection there of old fashioned candy. The vanilla drops are especially good. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Irene

The reward system...

I had a busy day and want to reward myself for it. Of course, my mind thinks of a cigarette as if that is the only way I can reward myself for a day well spent. Why in the world would I even need a reward for it? Would it be to congratulate myself because it all went well? That's possibly the reason, but I've got to think of a better way to make myself feel good. 

I had to go to Specsavers at 10 am to pick up my varifocal glasses, so I rode my bike into town very leisurely and did that. They had to be adjusted to fit my head properly and I had to take one of the eye tests over again because I had not received the letter from the eye doctor and they were afraid that I had got lost in the system.

These varifaocals are well made and I have no problems with them like I did with the other ones. I had to tilt my head with the other ones because the lenses hadn't been put in the frame right. Since I hardly ever wore them, this was not much of a problem, but it's nice to have a pair of properly fit ones. I do wear these constantly now and have been complimented on them already. 

I ate a sausage roll at the Hema department store and made it just on time for my appointment with my therapist at 11 am. There we discussed my regular forrays into hypomania and how to best get through them and my acceptance of my illness which is not complete. I do feel embarrassment about it and try to make everything look better to the outside world than it is. 

Next, I had an appointment with my psychistrist about my medication, but I told him to leave everything just the way it is now, please. If we were to start juggling with my pills, I could really get into trouble because I'm already rapid cycling and that would make it worse. Luckily, he agreed with me and we made another appointment for two weeks from now to keep a finger on the pulse. 

After that, I had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and to try and return an unused box of nicotine patches, but I was unsuccessful with that. They don't buy back any medication that you've had at home and can't sell it either. It's a law apparently. So, I'm stuck with them, much to my disgust. 

When I got home, I realized that the dog had the beginning of an eye infection, so I took him to the vet and he did some tests and gave me some ointment for his eye. I have to put some in twice a day and the dog is really good about it.

Then I took a nap. 

In a little while I have to call my older sister whose blood tests results came back abnormal and who very suddenly had to have an echo made of her liver and the rest of her stomach. I do worry about her. She's been having physical complaints for some time. Because she has so much stress in her life, she thought that this was the cause of them. I wish I was there with her and could go to the doctor with her. 

I've got to get a lot of sleep. I have to catch up on what I didn't get when I was hypomanic.I feel like sleeping a lot and would like nothing better than get into bed and sleep some more. I have to put it off for a while, though. I still have to eat dinner too. 

I've discovered a new way to get the dog to stop bothering the cat. It works full proof. One day when I'm not so tired, I'll tell you about it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

My second cup of coffee...

I will not drink my second cup of coffee with the same eagerness that I drank my first cup of coffee. It is too bitter for that. As a  mater of fact, I can't wait to have my first tall glass of cold milk. But I will finish the coffee first. I'm committed to it. 

I obviously didn't eyeball the ground coffee correctly when I scooped it into the filter. I still don't have it down to a science. It's still a hit and run business with the result that sometimes I have awfully weak coffee, but more often a very bitter one. The mouth puckering kind that wakes you up instantly. 

I don't mind being wide awake in the middle of the night because I know I will go to sleep again eventually. I just can't finish what's in the pot that I so enthusiastically made. I have to stop drinking it before I get too wired. That's why drinking the milk is good. It will put me in a stupor again. 

Speaking of stupors reminds me of the fact that I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months. I actually had forgotten about him and don't think about going to have a talk with him about anything. I suppose I don't feel the need to and that can only be good. He renews my medications once a month, but I'm not in direct contact with him about them. I suppose he thinks that no news is good news. And it is. 

I'm not so helpless that I wouldn't know how to find him if there was a need. I have good contact with my new therapist and I know she keeps him up to date. Nothing really earth shattering is happening in my life. I can deal with the few problems I run into with a little bit of help. I solve a lot on my own. I have learned a lot. As long as my life stays as simple as it is now, I can handle it. 

I've gotten sleepy from drinking the milk and I'm going back to bed to finish my night's rest. I've already started to yawn. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Conclusions...

Okay, so I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and he didn't tell me to quit whining and get on with my life, but he may just as well have because that's how I interpreted what he did say to me. That's the message I came away with. He also said that the tranquilizers didn't discriminate between emotions and didn't just eliminate the unpleasant ones, but also the pleasant ones.

I left the office with a lot on my mind and the first thing I did was stop taking the tranquilizers during the day because I did want to feel whatever pleasant feelings I had. I don't miss them one bit and am not going through any kind of withdrawal. I still take them at night with my sleeping pill to help me sleep, though I'd like to quit them altogether. 

I spent the rest of my free time thinking about things a lot and I realized that I don't spend enough time living in the moment. I'm constantly anxiously thinking ahead of time and worrying about all the things I'm supposed to take care of and dreading them. I don't live in the 'here and now.'

I'm now making an effort to do that and to constantly call myself back to the present moment and to not worry about the things that are supposed to happen. I could keel over from a heart attack and all I will have done is worry about  what I was supposed to have done and not enjoyed the moment I was living in.

I also realized that the person who had been in charge of my life lately was my 'frightened child' and that all my actions and reactions and emotions were coming from this entity. You can't let a frightened child be in charge of your life. All will come to naught and the whole thing will turn into a disaster. 

What I had to do was let my 'sensible adult' be in charge of my life and let that person make the decisions and react to the different circumstances. I do have a very well developed sensible adult in me, but I had acted like I didn't and had regressed to the frightened child and let her run the show in the hope that someone would come along and rescue it.

I realize now that I don't need to get rescued and that my sensible adult is quite capable of taking care of things so now, all day long, I'm posing this question to myself: who's in charge here? Once I find out who is, I make sure that the sensible adult takes the lead. 

Sometimes I have a happy child who's more in the foreground. I do give that person some space and let her enjoy herself while at the same time satisfying my adult curiosity. There's room for both, but there's no room for a frightened child, although it does need to be soothed every once in a while. It does get scared, but is not allowed to be in charge. 

So Friday and Saturday were big learning moments and I made huge steps in the right direction. Once you understand the mechanism, you can make the changes necessary. It's also important to know what triggered the frightened child to come to the surface. I'm starting to learn to lay the link now, but let's just say that she came to the surface an awful lot. I was almost constantly frightened. 

Learning to live in the 'now' is a real challenge and one that I constantly have to remind myself to do, although at times I'm so relaxed and caught up in something enjoyable that it happens automatically. But it's something I'm going to need to work at. It won't happen overnight. I have to learn to mindfully hang up the laundry, for example. And to mindfully sit in my armchair. 

When I do this, I realize how many aches and pains I have in my body that I'm not normally aware of. I also get a headache that's like a migraine and one sided like the ones I used to get when I was a kid.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist again on Monday, but I will be seeing him with a whole different attitude. He will not see a tearful victim of circumstances who is wishing for a 'happy pill.' He will see someone who's taken charge of her life. Timing is everything in life and he said the right thing at the right time and I don't even remember exactly what it was. It's what I came away with that counts.

That's enough of a long ramble and explanation. I will stop now and save the rest for another time. I'm sure I will do more philosophizing. 

I hope you're all having a great night and a good weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

Oh, booger snot...

I shouldn't say that I'm in an excellent mood when all I mean is just the temporary absence of pain and stress. That does not make an excellent mood. In my naivety I call it so. An excellent mood is something completely different. It does not mean a woman who quietly sits behind her computer and feels a sense of relief for however long it lasts. People in excellent moods, seize the world. I certainly don't do that. I have yet to seize the world. 

When I woke up for the second time yesterday morning, I was depressed and whatever cheerful mood I claimed to have had earlier was gone. I now put great question marks by these so called cheerful moods I have. They are all of short duration and are apparently very shallow. I think that all they are are temporary absences of stress and pain. It's all momentary forgetfulness. 

For a while, when I just started taking the tranquilizers, they helped me forget too, but now they don't seem to work anymore. I don't really notice any effect from them. I'm starting to feel the same amount of stress and depression I felt before. I'm becoming immobilized again.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist first thing in the morning. I'm not very optimistic because I don't know what can be done, but maybe he has an idea. I am, however, very discouraged. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget about moodiness...

This morning, when I finally managed to get up, I was very grumpy and dreaded the day. I hadn't had my medicines yet and was in dire need of some cups of coffee. However, being so grumpy, I didn't realize that until I had taken my medicines and had the coffee. After that, I was doing so much better that it was a difference between night and day and I thought I had been in the depths of a depression. 

It goes to show you that you shouldn't draw your conclusions about your mood prematurely. That everything is very quickly changeable, as changeable as the Dutch weather and that you can go from one mood to another in the shortest amount of time. Nothing is permanent, especially not the mood you wake up with. It's just a temporary chemical imbalance that needs to be set straight.

This does bother me and I wish it wasn't so and that I was more predictable. I don't like waking up in a bad mood because it fools me every time. I never think it will get better. I think I'm doomed and will stay that way for the rest of the day and maybe permanently so. I try to imagine another kind of scenario but find it very difficult to. 

Anyway, now I feel better and I'm capable of thinking more positive thoughts, though I'm not quite ready to tackle the dishes yet. They do need to get done, I can't get out from underneath them. There really aren't that many, it's just the idea of them that I have a problem with. 

But I think I'm still seeing the shadow of 'the black dog.' He isn't quite gone from my life yet. He's walking around in the undergrowth and causing me some problems still and, although my medication has been increased, I think maybe it's not been enough yet. I'm going to have to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I'm living on the margins of maybe being okay sometimes and that's not close enough. 

Leave it to me to make this more serious than I had intended. I wanted to write something more lighthearted than this, but sometimes you have to put your thoughts down to get things clear for yourself in the process. Sometimes these blog posts are purely therapeutic in value. Very selfishly so. 

It's 80F outside and the sun is shining in an almost bright blue sky. We've finally got a summer's day. There's no breeze to speak of and the leaves on the trees are barely moving. It was very pleasant when I took the dog out for a walk. Tomorrow is going to be cooler and we may have some spotty showers. I won't hold my breath for them. 

Tonight the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be on. Mr Darcy is going to pop the question. Everybody will presumably live happily ever after, but we will never know. I sure hope so for their sake. I want to believe in romance to some extend. I do make the occasional exception with my cynical heart.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora

A cranky old woman...

The dog woke me up with his barking before I was ready to be awakened. This displeases me very much. As a result I'm sitting here yawning with my second cup of coffee and it's like there's no hope in sight. I'm doomed to be in this half awake state until I go back to bed. Woe is me. 

I'm sure I will wake up any minute now. The caffeine is bound to start working. If not, some cold milk will do the job. It will jolt my braincells awake with its frosty goodness. Just like ice cream would if I had some. Mmm...vanilla ice cream. A Dove bar would taste good right now. 

I had lost half a kilo when I went on the bathroom scale just now, so by this morning, when I go on it again, I will have lost a whole kilo. It always works out that way. The fairies take away the weight while I sleep. Just like the tooth fairy takes away your tooth. It's as if by magic, just from sleeping. It requires calories too. 

I went to bed early last night because there was no thriller on TV or anything really that I was interested in. I fell asleep pretty quickly while listening to the radio in the space on the bed left me by the cat and the dog. They do crowd in and one wants to lie closer than the other.

This ended a fairly uneventful day in which I only saw my psychiatrist who asked me uncertainly if I had lost weight. I answered him affirmatively and he smiled and said that men weren't always so sure about those things. Isn't that funny? He's a little absentminded so it's possible that he wasn't sure and that he only had a vague memory of what I looked like. It's kind of endearing that he did notice.

I've had my glasses of milk and I must go back to bed now. Since it's Saturday, I will sleep for a long time without any feelings of guilt. Whatever chores need to get done, I will do in the afternoon. Sleep is a great good. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Harrowing tales of nothingness...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with one of the best cups of coffee that I ever made and am enjoying it very much. Sometimes I get lucky and the coffee turns out great. I don't know why that is. I seem to do everything the same as I always do, but the result is different and better somehow. 

I always blame it on Juan who picks the best beans in Columbia and that I happened to get a good batch of them, but this is ground coffee from an opened pack and I'm sure there is no difference in the quality from yesterday's coffee. 

I'll blame it on my own good mood then and my taste buds, which are on this occasion finely tuned and able to appreciate the experience especially well. My senses must be very alert.

I expect two of my senses to be better developed some time soon and those are my sense of taste and smell. I'm planning on quitting smoking soon and I expect that over time those two senses will improve quite a bit, although I don't expect any miracles overnight. I remember from the last time I tried to quit that the improvement didn't happen all of the sudden. 

I'm looking forward to quitting smoking and can't wait for the day to arrive that I will. I'm visualizing myself as a nonsmoker in my head so much, that I'm ready to be one. Because I've tried to quit before, I know what the pitfalls are and what I'm up against. I hope that will make this attempt more successful. 

Despite my misgivings about yesterday and it being my least favorite day of the week, it actually was a fine day. My mood was good and the day went by quickly and without a hitch. All the things I worried about ahead of time, turned out to have been unnecessary. The stress that I felt on Sunday had disappeared by the next day, so I was left unworried. 

I don't know why I felt so uptight on Sunday and why I was so worried about the next day being Monday and a difficult day. I anticipated too much trouble when there turned out not to be any. Maybe Sunday itself was a difficult day without me consciously realizing it and it had bothered me more than I was aware of. 

I'm a victim of my own fickle mood system which doesn't always work faultlessly. There are day to day nuances in it that I'm not always aware of and that make a difference in how I experience my life at a given moment. The nuances can be big enough to really make a difference that's bothersome and completely alter my attitude. I'm not a finely tuned machine, much as I'd like to be. 

My psychiatrist said that I could use an extra tranquilizer during the day if I felt the need for it, but I feel that my stress level has come way down now. It may not at all be necessary.  The problem with the tranquilizers is that they are downers and that they can make you feel sad. I'll avoid them if possible. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday during which he wants to see how I am doing on the increased medication. 

In the meantime, I've switched from coffee to cold milk and I'm appreciating that very much also. I managed to make the milk last for a whole week by being a little more frugal with it. This morning the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and I have enough milk left to drink and to use for coffee when he gets here. 

He's got to buy rawhide bones for the dog because he's going through them like they are candy canes. He chews them up in the shortest amount of time and goes through whole packages of them. There's nothing that makes him happier than a rawhide bone. 

I hope you'll all have a good day or a good night, whichever comes first.

Ciao,

Nora

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

No sleep yet...

I tried to sleep, but found it impossible yet and just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I spent an awful lot of time petting Tyke who had settled down on the bed beside me. He was a very happy dog. He chased Gandhi away every time she tried to get on the bed too. She finally managed to make herself small and lie down beside my pillows. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Now that I'm up, of course, I'm yawning something awful and I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw. I have to be very careful of how far I open my mouth. I will have to go back to bed sooner than I thought, but I want to postpone the moment until I'm falling off my chair from sleepiness or until my head hits the keyboard. Teardrops from yawning are running down my face. 

I can spend enough time sleeping because my personal helper isn't going to be here until 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. That gives me ample time to snooze, even if I have to do it in shifts, which doubtlessly I will. I have yet to sleep through the night in one fell swoop. I have asked my psychiatrist to come up with a solution and he promised to try and come up with one by our next appointment, which is next week. 

The Exfactor was here this morning to do the groceries and I have milk in the refrigerator again, much to my relief. I had been using that awful powdered creamer in my coffee and it was just plain bad and took the pleasure out of drinking coffee. I can also drink tall glasses of cold milk again. You don't know what a pleasure that is when you've had to do without for a day. Gandhi also appreciates her bowls of milk. 

I had asked the Exfactor to buy me some ready made salads and he bought me celery salad, crab salad and chicken salad. I can eat little portions of them. He also bought me some creamed soups. Wild mushroom and asparagus. Those ought to be nutritious and filling. Everything I eat has to be ready made or able to be heated up in the microwave. I don't have the proper pots and pans to heat up and cook things in. I also don't want to dirty the stove (the cooker).

It's time to go to bed now. I'm almost falling off my chair. Hopefully I will sleep well now, maybe until morning. We will see. 

It's been a pleasue.

Ciao,

Nora

 

It takes a while...

It's taken me four cups of coffee to become somewhat cohesive, but even now I could go back to bed and immediately fall asleep again. I will do so shortly when I'm done being a stubborn woman. I can only sit here with my eyes falling shut for so long.

There's no evidence this morning of the cold I was developing yesterday.  I took an aspirin with codeine for the symptoms during the night and that seems to have taken care of it. I feel a lot better at any rate. 

Since I have no personal helper coming here anymore on Wednesdays early in the morning, I can do as I please and take it easy. I don't have to be dressed and ready in a short time. I'm relieved about this and glad that I can schedule my morning as I see fit. The rest of the day is mine to do with as I wish too. 

I just took my medicines and should be feeling fit as a fiddle in no time.What little I take does still does its job, of course. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow when we will assess how everything is going and make a decision about the next reduction. 

I thought I was feeling mentally low yesterday, but it was really due to the cold that I was developing. I was not feeling well physically. I notice the difference between today and yesterday now that I'm feeling physically better.

I'm having a glass of cold milk now. It's settling in my stomach very well. It's always the most soothing thing I can drink. I think that's why I'm so hooked on it and it is filling too. I love it first thing in the morning after I've had my coffee to wake up with. 

I'm going back to bed now and sleep for a few more hours. It will be a true pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Potholes and speed bumps...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I for one am happy about that, because as long as it's raining, it means it's not cold enough to be snowing and I can stand by the open back door and wait for Tyke to do his business without catching a cold. I do like to keep an eye on him at night, as much as that is possible in the darkness, because I want to grab him as soon as he starts to bark for whatever reason, though he usually doesn't, thank goodness. It's like he knows that he has to be silent when he is out there. He does me a great favor, because I don't want my grumpy neighbor upstairs to have anything to gripe about. 

Tyke's now sound asleep beside me with a full stomach, because he convinced me that he absolutely needed something to eat and pestered me until I filled his bowl, which he then emptied with much appetite. A dog with a full stomach is a happy dog, is my experience, and when Tyke is hungry he is a bother. He can only think of food and doesn't rest until he gets it. 

I'm supposed to be asleep, of course, but as is usual on the weekends, I'm allowing myself a late Saturday night when I'll go to bed whenever I feel like it. It is my one indulgence and I do so enjoy it, because I'm always in an excellent mood when I stay up. I feel like nothing much can go wrong and that the world is my oyster and that I'm the pearl lying in the middle of it. Everybody deserves their fantasy and I'm no different than anybody else. I do feel that a night well spent is worth the hours the next day that I have to sleep late, especially since it's on a Sunday, which is the one useless day of the week. A day of rest. 

The reduction of my medicines is going well and I'm not yet noticing any adverse reactions. I've cut back my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and I don't notice anything unpleasant. I told myself from the start that it wasn't necessary to expect a bad reaction to reducing them. I could equally well expect a pleasant reaction, who was to say? I didn't want to walk around with a negative attitude and negative expectations. 

As of Friday I also reduced my anti-depressives and I've not fallen into a deep dark hole. It would be too early for that anyway, but I'm not noticing any adverse reactions from that either. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm doing all of this under the guidance of my psychiatrist and would not dare do it on my own. That would be like playing with fire. I've gotten wise enough not to do anything like that. I do have to put my trust in a professional who knows about these things.

I've had my coffee and am about done with it. It tasted good while it lasted, but now I'm ready for something else. I think I'll have some lemonade. That will take care of my sweet tooth. I do always get cravings for sweet foods during the night and think of all kinds of delicious things to eat, but since I don't have them in the apartment, I'm in no danger of eating them and gaining weight. That's the best defense against that.  In my fantasy I'm always eating chocolate bonbons and vanilla ice cream, but I get over that during the day and have hardly any such desires then. I wouldn't go out and buy them anyway, except when I'm in the tobacco shop and buy a chocolate bar. That's another one of my indulgences, but I do have very few of them.

The lemonade is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. A body does need a little bit of warmth. Now I've just got to wait for the apartment to heat up a bit. It will be pleasant in here in no time. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I guess my rain dance worked. 

Ciao,

Nora

Where was I?

I've put the radio/CD player back in the bedroom. I decided that I missed it too much at night when I went to bed. It was too silent when I was laying there waiting to fall asleep. I thought that maybe it was too much of a stimulus, but I was wrong. The radio keeps me company and I fall asleep with it on easily. It distracts me and keeps me from thinking complicated thoughts. That's very important. 

I'm not here by myself in the living room. The domestic help is washing the windows. She does a very good job at them, better than I could. She knows how to wash them without getting streaks. That's why she is the domestic help. She's got a lot of experience. Tyke is watching her do her work. He likes her very much and is always very interested in what she does.

It's noontime and I've just taken my medicines, all except my afternoon anti-psychotic tablet. I'm not supposed to take that now. This is in an effort to further reduce them. I think I'm doing okay, except that I'm a little bit grumpy. It's not such a horrible thing to be grumpy, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I don't think that it's anything important. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist when he calls me later. I mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

My psychiatrist just called me and I told him that I was a bit grumpy. He asked me if I thought it was a sign that I was entering a different mood. I told him that I didn't think so and that I really wasn't too worried. I don't think that I'm going to get hypo-manic or depressed right now. At least, I assume I won't. He wants me to reduce my anti-depressives also starting today. We're doing this very carefully and I'm seeing him next week. It's good to have the extra control while I do this.

I shouldn't really worry about a thing and just assume that all will be well. I'm tougher than the absence of a pill anyway. I will not be defeated. 

It has started to rain again and as far as I can see, the street is completely clear of snow and ice. What a relief that is. It had stopped being fun quite some time ago. Now the river is very full and almost at the highest level. All sorts of precautions are beings taken. There's a lot of melt water from upstream that is finding its way into it from Belgium and France, but also from the smaller rivers here. Some land is being allowed to flood, it is designated for that. That's better than having some of the villages flood. 

It's 11 degrees Celsius (50F), that's quite warm for us. I have the bedroom windows open to air out the apartment. I had to go sit in my bedroom with the animals while the domestic help vacuumed the front of the apartment and mopped it. Neither Tyke nor Gandhi likes the vacuum cleaner and we don't want them walking on the wet floors. They do leave behind paw prints. That's really not that awful, but I pretend it is for the sake of the domestic help. 

I'm done being grumpy now and feel quite alright. I'm ready for the remainder of this Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some way to stay out of trouble. I usually do. I just mustn't show any kind of extreme behavior. I mustn't be too happy or too sad. That's a tall order. I think I'm up to it, though. I took a little nap on the sofa this morning and would be more than happy to take another one, but I think I'll go watch the speed skating championships on television. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Just how cold is it?

When I walked Tyke for the last time yesterday evening, I almost slipped and fell when I crossed the street, because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The whole street is like that and so are all the streets in the neighborhood. None of them have been treated for the snow and subsequently have turned to ice. 

I'm now afraid to walk on them, because my boots have no profile and I can fall very easily. I don't want to wear last years hiking boots, because they are too small and caused me so much trouble with my little toe that took forever to heal. The sidewalks are only a little bit better and it's best when I walk Tyke to walk on the grass as much as possible, because there I don't slip. 

I was supposed to see my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning, but I don't want to ride my bike, because I'm sure I'll have an accident, as there are no such thing as snow tires for bicycles, and I don't want to walk all the way over there on the slippery sidewalks and streets in this cold. The wind chill factor makes it minus 17 degrees Celsius. 

Maybe somebody braver than me would do it, but I'm awfully afraid of breaking a bone and being helpless.  I imagine myself lying in the middle of the street with  a broken leg and having to go to the hospital while the animals are home all alone. Gandhi was already very distraught when Tyke and I were gone at the neighbors yesterday morning and needed a lot of attention from both of us to get back to normal. She's not used to being on her own for such a long time. 

Anyway, I simply can't afford to fall and break a bone, so I'm going to cancel my appointment and not go anywhere until the ice and snow have melted, other than take Tyke for walks, which is dangerous enough. Things should melt by the end of this weekend when temperatures will rise and we will have rain. Rain will be  most welcome.

In the meantime I'm sitting here working on my third cup of coffee, which I probably won't be able to finish. It tasted good while it lasted and the coffee woke me up well enough. I got me functioning anyway. It is always such a bother to make that pot of coffee in the morning with my sleepy head, but it sure is nice when it's done and I've got my first cup.

Tyke is eating his new dog food when he realized there was not anything else I was going to give him and he already chased Gandhi away from it with an angry growl. Gandhi retreated to the coffee table with hurt feelings. Tyke's right in defending his food, though. She does have her own bowl of kibbles on the kitchen counter. She just assumes that everything that belongs to Tyke, belongs to her too. That's how attached she is to him. She thinks they are a unit. They probably can't live without each other. Judging by how she greeted him yesterday, that's probably true. 

I've got to get dressed and go out and brave the elements to walk Tyke. I do worry about that slippery street. Just now I saw a young girl on her bike slip and make a smack. I felt so sorry for her. She got up okay and went on her way. Cars go by very slowly. I am exactly at the intersection of three streets, so I'm waiting for the sounds of a crash. I hope not.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Blog hopping...

I've been up for quite a while and have been doing what comes natural and that has been blogging over at Wordpress,. I started another blog there and I'm not going to give you the link to it but leave it completely up to chance for you to discover me there and maybe one day you will. I don't know how hard that is. I just thought I would fall back into anonymity. 

I don't know what I'm doing with all these blogs, but it seems like a good idea to have all of them to keep me writing and to keep me out of trouble, because that's what I seem to have been getting into lately. Maybe I am mad and don't know it and nobody has told me that I am and I'm living under the delusion that I'm quite sane and normal. Anything is possible. 

It's early in the morning now and I'm drinking coffee and having my cigarettes. I feel quite cozy here and am very much at peace with the world and my surroundings. I have not one bit of sleep in my body and I'm looking forward to taking a shower later and washing my hair which badly needs it. I will use my lightener shampoo and have perfectly blond hair. 

I've got my clothes picked out, in sofar that I've got it down to 2 outfits and I have to make a final instinctual decision when I look at them this morning, but I think I already know which way I'm leaning. I feel cheerful and that calls for red and a minidress. It's not going to be so awfully cold today, so I don't have to dress extra warm.

Rainclouds have moved in and are trapping what little warmer air there is and are keeping frost from developing. It's now 43F and much warmer than it was yesterday morning and it's going to be 54F today, which is much better. I won't be freezing my buns off when I go to see my psychiatrist on my bike this morning. That is, if it's not raining, otherwise I will have to walk under the umbrella. I don't mind either way. I prefer not to get wet, though. 

I had every intention to have a good long sleep last night, but it didn't happen. I laid in bed being bored and waiting for it to be time to get up until I couldn't stand it anymore. Sometimes I think that sleeping is such a waste of time, until I get a shortage of it and need to be be put under and rest for 12 hours straight. Other than that, I think it is highly overrated and I don't see why I have to get all of it at night when I feel so good and there are such interesting things to do. The nighttime is infinitely better to be awake in than the daytime. I haven't figured out yet why that is, I only have hypotheses. 

I've still got the heater on against the cold and in spite of it I feel the draft from the cat flap, even though all the windows are closed. It is actually very well sealed, but somehow it still lets in the cold air. The bedrooms are colder anyway because they are always in the shade and they have single glass windows, which I think is a crime. I do wish they would replace those. There's always a lot of condensation on them that you get rid of by having the radiators on. Those rooms are wet and cold and need to be wallpapered and painted. I'm ignoring that as much as possible. It's too big a job for me. 

Tyke's been surprisingly well behaved all night, which goes to show you that he's only bad when I'm asleep. I think he resents me being asleep as he gets bored or something. He doesn't do anything destructive when I'm gone from home. He's only mischievous when I'm asleep. 

The problem is, that when I'm asleep, I'm sound asleep and nothing wakes me up. I don't hear any noises of him ripping things apart. He could tear the whole bedroom apart and I wouldn't notice it. It's only when I have to go to the toilet that I find out what he's been doing and by that time it's too late. The damage has been done and he always thinks of something to get into that I've not thought of. The most unusual things aren't safe. He never ceases to surprise me. Well, of course he couldn't get away with anything during this night because I was awake. He does know when he's being bad. He's not a dumb dog.

I think I will take my medicines now and take my shower. I'm ready for squeaky clean hair and a good outfit. It will be a pleasure to put on something different and cheerful. Something to match my mood and my rosy cheeks. I will see if the laundry is dry and get ready to put another load in the machine, There's nothing so nice as clean clothes. You can't beat those. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

How the magic works...

I'm very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.

I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.

I wasn't about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.

I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.

I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can't tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I'm also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It's just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it's not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I'm capable of.

It's not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can't do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Stress-less.

I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don't mean Tyke by that. I couldn't find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I'm to survive in one piece.

At the suggestion of someone very smart, I've asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It's a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.

This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn't go to the post office. It was beyond me and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can't just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I'm short of.

The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I'm going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I'm still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.

I've just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It's funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can't think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don't drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It's a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don't know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.

The tranquilizers are working properly now and I'm not filled with anxiety anymore. I'm actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He's now lurking in the foothills.

Suddenly things don't seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It's even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I've gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it's a shame when I don't have the concentration to read. I haven't even been able to watch television.

Tyke's having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It's one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He's just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.

Well, you've been witness to a metamorphosis. I've gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,
Nora