Good intentions...

I went to bed on time with the intention to get a good night's sleep, but the dog had other ideas. He had felt neglected because I had been away from home for a long time today and he wanted some attention and company. He didn't want me to go to sleep and kept me awake. There was no other solution but to get up again. 

I cuddled him extensively and petted him until he was satisfied and started chewing on a rawhide bone. Now he's asleep in the armchair and I'm sitting here temporarily wide awake. Both he and the cat were waiting behind the front door when I came home this evening and Tyke acted like I'd been gone on a long journey. His happiness to see me knew no bounds. If he could have jumped in my arms, he would have done so. 

I had been at my sister's house where my daughter and her father will be staying because she has the spare room for guests. Her house is bigger than my apartment. We can all move around a little easier there in a larger group because her children are there also and there would be no room for everybody here. 

It was a great thing to see my daughter and it was the most natural and comfortable thing in the world. I felt no awkwardness whatsoever. The first thing she said to me was, "Mom, you're so little!" I had to laugh at that, because I guess I am now compared to when she saw me last. I have shrunk quite a bit and am just a shadow of the person I was for a few unfortunate years. 

She looked fantastic and quite like the successful career woman she's become. She's got her head on straight. She's a smart cookie and knows what she's doing and I'm very proud of what she's achieved in life and aims to achieve still. It's great to watch a success story take place. 

Tomorrow we're going to be celebrating Christmas and exchange presents in the evening while we eat our way through a lot of food that my sister will have prepared. I will nibble. In the afternoon we will go downtown to do some final shopping and to have cappuccinos in a sidewalk cafe where there will be heaters under the awnings. It should be quite busy in town with everyone doing their final bit of shopping. The stores will be closing early at 5 pm causing a stampede most likely.

I've got to think of another good outfit to wear tomorrow, but I'm sure something good will pop out of the closet. 

I've got to go to bed now and set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent time in the morning. I can't dawdle long over a cup of coffee. I will have to get the show on the road in a somewhat speedy manner. I've got a nice day to look forward to. 

Ciao,

Nora

After my birthday...

The most fun about my birthday was going downtown with my sister. It rained nearly up to the time we were supposed to leave, but when it was time to go, it stopped raining and it didn't rain again for the rest of the day. We rode our bikes downtown and parked them and went to the department store where I had seen pretty cardigans advertised on television of which I wanted to get one. We were very disappointed, though, because there were only a few left and they were all in the wrong color and the wrong size, so that turned out to be a popcorn fart. Imagine the store advertising them and then being almost out of them. That's no way to keep your customers happy.

We went to another store of which I knew that they usually have something good in my size and walking around there, my sister spotted a very pretty cardigan in a lovely color in my size. I tried it on, but knew ahead of time that I was going to like it, so trying it on was merely a formality. It fit beautifully and was very flattering and matched the clothes I was wearing very well, so that's the cardigan my sister bought me. I was quite contend with that.

We went to a café on the big square and sat outside under the wide awning that had a heater built in and ordered coffee and pie. My pie had whipped cream and white chocolate and it was so good, it was like an angel walking over my tongue. It was an enormous slice and I ate it as slowly as I could, but it was too much for me to finish and I nearly passed out eating it. We had a good time, though, and chatted and watched the people walk by. There were still plenty of tourists, even though the schools and universities have started up again. People watching is such a sport, but so is chatting about everything under the sun while having a cup of coffee.

We walked through the main shopping street and said goodbye at the tourist office where my sister works and I rode my bike home, hoping I wouldn't get rained on and I didn't, because the gods were smiling on me. No doubt because it was my birthday.

The Exfactor came over and did the groceries for me and bought pastries for by the coffee and gave me my presents, one of which was a set of tennis balls with which he made Tyke very happy, because we had misplaced the one and only tennis ball he had. The Exfactor had bought me wheat bread with poppy seeds of which I had a peanut butter sandwich at night. I was so full of the pie that I couldn't eat all day. He had a pastry and I watched him eat it, with no desire to have one myself.

After the Exfactor left, my friend Lucienne came over. I had not seen her in a long time, though we talk on the phone a lot. At least once a week, if not twice. We had a good old visit and I was sorry to see her go. I may not see her again for a long time, though she is in the neighborhood quite often. She finds it hard to do things spontaneously and has to carefully plan everything. She misses out on life a lot.

I had decorated the living room with streamers and balloons that I had found when I cleaned up one of the dresser drawers. Tyke was very much interested in the balloons and I gave him one to play with. Needless to say, it burst. He was shaken by that, but when I took everything down, I gave him more balloons to play with and he did it as carefully as he could. Eventually one would burst, but he was prepared and took some pleasure in it. He thought he had killed it and went on to the next balloon. He approached them and hit them and backed off, over and over again, until they burst. It's a good way to keep your dog amused, after the initial shock.

This morning I had to go see my SPN and I was sitting there yawning and made her yawn too. I had gotten enough sleep, but I was so ready to take a nap. I wanted to curl up on the floor right there and go to sleep. We talked about me quitting smoking and how hard that was going to be, but how determined I was and how very sure I am that I am going to succeed. She'll believe that when she sees it. She has a two week vacation coming up and when I see her next I will be an ex-smoker if all goes well. On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy and ordered a two week supply of nicotine patches. I'm starting with the highest dose and will then taper off. I will do it over a period of six weeks, I think.

I took a nap on the sofa when I got home and slept for an hour and a half and was awakened by the Exfactor who came to help me move the sofa to the hallway from where it will be picked up on Friday by the people who will take it to the dump. It is an old, worn out, ugly sofa and it is time for it to go. I have bought a new sofa and it will be delivered first thing tomorrow morning. I plan on paying it off with the money I save from not buying tobacco anymore. The new sofa is very modern and black, because Tyke is black, and it will match the rest of the interior. So needless to say, I'm very excited about that. Now all I have to do is get the living room and hallway painted and buy new curtains. I've seen those in the Ikea catalog.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Sleep indeed...

I slept all night last night, just like an ordinary person, I swear to God. It was an amazing experience after not having done so for about a week. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up at a decent time after having had a few significant dreams that I was rather pleased with. Dreams that normally have lots of frustration in them, but that now had satisfying endings. They point me emotionally in a whole new direction and remind me of some of my rights and desires and my own power as a human being. It is possible to swim and not drown in life's complications. It may even turn out to be a warm tropical sea in which you will float. I don't mean to speak in mysteries, but they are realities to me.

I woke up with some time to spare before I had to go to my SPN. I drank coffee and answered my emails. Then I got dressed and walked Tyke. We met a woman with two French bulldogs and much sniffing and snorting went on before all the dogs were happy. The bulldogs snorted, of course, with their flattened noses. Tyke likes these encounters very much and is as happy as a toddler in the zoo. He just can't get enough of it and I literally have to pull him away with all my might. He longingly looks back at his departing friends and really wants to follow them home.

My SPN pointed out to me, that my grievances may actually be real and that I should not just dismiss them as being a product of the absence of enough medication in my system, although she did say that this possibly aggravates it. We looked at one situation in particular and found that it had a real basis and that it was not something I imagined to be true. I do have a real grievance, it is based on something and I have every right to be upset about it and to want to correct it. It's just how I go about it that makes the difference. That's the important part. I feel that I have to be very careful about that and not burn any bridges behind me and I think I could easily have done that yesterday, because my tone would have been very accusatory and nasty. I can't have that. I do want to stay rational and calm. It's the best way to achieve what I want.

The Exfactor was supposed to be here and I just called him to find out where he was and he told me he's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. I'm slightly p*ssed off about this, because I would have waited in vain and he would not have called me. Besides, I think it's rude to say you're going to be here and then decide not to show up. I did count on it and have been waiting since 11 am when I rushed home from my appointment. I think he does insist on leeway a little too much.

I've walked Tyke again and he was his same predictable stubborn self who insisted on being ornery in all the same places. I can pinpoint ahead of time where that is going to be and I'm waiting for him to get over it. Sooner or later he must catch on to the fact that I'm not going to give in to him and that we are not going in that direction and that we are going to move on and that we aren't going to walk around those trees. He did finally get his way and ate the bread that the ducks didn't eat and he acted like it was something incredibly special. Like I had starved him for days. He's got a very tough life here.

The day has been mostly sunny, although there are clouds in the sky and it isn't all that warm. We are just pretending it's warm and everybody is out with bare arms and bare legs, even the mailman. Let it not be said that we aren't optimists. It would be nice to sit out on a cafe terrace now and have a cold beer, though a glass of white wine would do nicely too. You do need someone to sit with, though, and the only person I can think of is my friend Yvonne. Everybody else is unavailable. My sister is in Italy and my friend Lucienne is in Spain. Besides, it's too late in the afternoon to make plans. I should have thought of it earlier. Oh no, I thought the Exfactor was coming.

At least I haven't felt the need for a nap and that is a bonus point. It will probably mean that I will sleep well tonight. I will read my thriller this afternoon. I tried to read it in bed last night, but fell asleep with it quickly. I had enough sense to put it under my pillow and turn off the light, although Tyke hasn't been in the least bit destructive anymore. I think those days are behind him, knock on wood. He leaves my books alone and the books on the bookcase are safe too. So are my shoes and my cigarettes and lighter. He's just about done being a "terrible toddler."

I hope you're all having a good day. I hope your weather is nice. It's slowly warming up in the living room now that the sun is shining through the windows. I don't have a tan yet, but I may try to get one.

Ciao,
Nora

Tell me why...

My blog template showed up incomplete all day. All I saw was a green screen with text and photos, in other words, things I had posted and filled in. So, I went ahead and installed a different template, but I have the same problem with it, so I have no idea what's going on. I'm assuming the problem will correct itself, since it is happening with both and I'm stubborn enough to believe it. If not, I will turn into a toad again and when I'm kissed, I will not turn into a beautiful princess, but an old hag. How many people go around kissing toads anyway? I've never done it.

The Exfactor did a good deed today. He took the train and specifically came to visit me so I would have someone to talk to. He knew I was having a hard time and he brought a lighter too, so I wouldn't have to go back to the store to buy one. I told him everything that was on my mind and he could only agree with me and saw the logic in what I was saying. I don't have emotions, I have symptoms and for all these symptoms there are labels, and for every label there is a pill. Every time I have an emotion, there is a pill or an increase in a pill to kill the emotion. I'm not supposed to feel anything. Every deviation is dangerous.

Well, the domestic help was here this afternoon. It was the same girl who was here last week and I hope she becomes my regular help. I may have to call about that and see if I can arrange that. She wasn't upset that I hadn't done anything, but she did tell me to ask for more time for her to do her work in. So three hours instead of two. There's lots of cleaning left to do in this apartment. Things have been neglected for a long time. At first glance it looks okay, but when you look closer it's not and those girls know how to look. They see dirt that I don't. It's getting harder not to be embarrassed.

Tyke is so fond of the domestic help. He wants all her cleaning supplies, but he listens well when I tell him that no, he is not allowed to steal things. When it was time for her to vacuum, I took him for a walk so he wouldn't bark the whole time and drive the neighbors crazy. That was a good solution. Too bad I can't do that when I'm supposed to vacuum.

Now for me the best time of the day starts, after I have taken my 6 pm medicines. I don´t know why that is, but soon afterwards, I always feel the best of any time of the day. I take my medicines, walk the dog, and when I get home, I feel good. It´s not that everything is suddenly okay and that all the problems have been solved, but I feel more courageous and a little more happy and not so drained, while there´s really not much to look forward to but loneliness. I think that is one reason why I write so many posts. I feel that I´m in contact with you all while I´m writing them, as if I´m having a conversation with you and we are connected through the words. When I´m done writing a post, I feel immediate regret and want to start writing another one, so I won´t lose the connection. I will still be part of something bigger than just me and the animals.

On Thursday afternoon, I´m meeting my friend Von at our café on the Our Dear Lady Square downtown. I think it´s been 5 months since we´ve met at the café. I´ll go see if the trees have any buds on them and if the outside of the church has been fully restored. If it is at all possible with my schedule, Thursday afternoons are going to be our regular afternoons.

On Wednesday morning, I have a meeting at the SPC for an intake for the creative classes of which I don´t know when they are going to be yet or when there is a place for me available. I can´t go Monday afternoons or Thursday afternoons, so hopefully there will be something available on other days.

So you see, I have plans and they will be good for me, I have no doubt about it. It will be good to get out of the house and amongst people and have activities and create things. And hang out with Von and drink cappuccinos. I do have to add those to my budget, mustn´t forget that.

Okay, this post is done, because I´ve told you everything that will go in this post. I don´t know if there will be another post. It depends on how the mood strikes me.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Rain...

It's been raining non stop since I woke up this morning and even Tyke can't be fooled into going out into it. He'll quickly go out back, but looks at the sky to try to figure out what this wetness is that's sprinkling down on him. I let him out often, because he comes in so quickly that I get the impression that he hasn't done what he's supposed to do. To be on the safe side, he goes out every hour or so.

This morning his special puppy food was delivered that I ordered on line at my favorite pet shop. I ordered a 10 kilo bag and I'm curious to see how long it will last. Tyke has a good appetite and has been eating Jesker's left overs, but now I want him to eat more specialized food. He is growing, because I've had to move his collar up two notches. It was too tight. I noticed that when I was giving him an extended petting session yesterday. I don't want him to get fat and am constantly checking his belly for leanness. He doesn't get any food if his belly still feels a bit round. If it's empty, and it's time to eat, he gets food. I feed him in the morning and the evening and he gets a little snack in between as a reward if he has gone outside and done his business.

He's pretty easy to distract from negative behavior. I don't have to get cross with him, but just call him over and get his mind focused on something else. He really does do his best, although some habits are hard to break, such as wanting to dominate Gandhi over and over again. Gandhi is giving out very mixed messages and goes to look for him and parks herself right under his nose, so it's very confusing to Tyke who thinks she wants to play with him. He thinks it's all a game and that she is willing. He doesn't realize that she's a reluctant participant and confused herself. Tyke thinks they're married for life.

It just stopped raining and I went for a quick walk around the block with him. We met one of our neighbors with her dog and her dog was quite taken with Tyke and made advances. It was a girl dog at the ripe age of 12. She put all of her charms into it and Tyke was quite amused and flattered. He longingly looked after her when she went on her way with her owner. He would probably jump her if he got the chance. He's not as innocent as he looks, that feisty little thing.

It's been a long time since I've felt happy. It's been many months, but the last two days I sometimes feel little pinpricks of it. They are so tiny that they are hardly noticeable, but they are there nevertheless. I hope these pinpricks become larger and that they will turn into seconds and minutes and hours, but I'm afraid to hope for too much. I miss being happy. You don't know what you miss until you start feeling it again and now that I do on occasion, I want more of it. I long for it very much. It is a state of mind that I miss as much as blue skies and sunshine. It's awful to always feel like the colors black and gray and to never feel yellow and red. I don't know how I've lasted through all these winter months. It's been such a hell. All that's kept me hanging in there was the thought that there would be an end to it one day and the end is coming in sight now. I´m plain worn out from it.

The fact that there are the tips of leaves of plants showing up in the dark wet ground now gives me hope. Some shrubs have buds on them. It´s all full of promise and soon I will put this dark period behind me. Next year I´ll be smart and use the sunlight replacement lamp again, though I did not really believe in it. I´ll have to believe in it if I´m going to survive another winter. But I can´t think about that now. First I have to get ready for spring and thoroughly enjoy that and come back alive. I can start sitting on café terraces with my friend Yvonne again and take photographs of the world. I feel like I´m about to be let out of jail and join the human race again.

Well, so much for those ponderous thoughts. I´ve felt so trapped inside myself and inside that entity called winter that loomed so large around me with it´s darkness and cold and snow and ice and rain. I´m ready to be liberated from it.

This is the end of my epistle. While I´m typing this, I´ve been liberating Gandhi from Tyke´s amorous hold many times. I do want to break him of the habit.

Have a good day! Wish the rain away.

Ciao,
Nora

Drinking coffee...

I'm sitting quite cozily by the desk lamp drinking my coffee after having just finished a tall glass of fruit juice for the thirst. This time I was smart enough to buy two large cartons of fruit juice, so I have enough left, although I may come to find out that I need three to last me the week. The stuff is so good when you are thirsty and nothing else will do to quench that thirst. Not even cold milk, which I used to think was the best cold drink when I was diabetic and didn't know it and was always thirsty. I would drink a liter of it in one go. Now I just drink tall glasses of juice and I love the slightly sour taste of it, because the juice is not too sweet. I like mixed yellow fruits better than plain orange juice, and no matter how well I shake it, the best is always at the bottom of the carton, because that's where all the pulp is. I could write a treatise on good fruit juice probably.

Jesker is lying right beside me and has tried to get me to get dressed because he wanted me to take him out. He got me to follow him to where me clothes and boots were and then looked at me with sorrowful eyes. Of course, I'm not going for a walk now, he just had to go out back, but he was not quite happy about that. He complained a little bit and then grudgingly went to sleep, but I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it yet. I'm sure in his little brain he's just waiting for the next moment to come along when he can try and lure me outside again. He never forgets.

It snowed during the night and there are a few centimeters. I'm wishing for it to be gone, although it looks quite pretty, but I'm not fooled by the beauty of it and remember very well how slippery it can get if it stays and freezes. It's supposed to get up to 2C today, so it should melt, but there aren't any guarantees. It never did get that warm yesterday either and it snowed in the afternoon, although it was supposed to be 2C then also. In the north of the country there is more snow, so I'm glad I live down here in the south. Those few hundred kilometers do make a difference and we are less influenced by the sea, which makes it a bit dryer and warmer here. It's a good place to live, as climates go, but that's not the only reason. I live in the Dutch mountains.

I finished Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver and have now started her novel Pigs in Heaven. I've read this novel before and also the one that came before it, but it's been long enough since I read it that it will be like reading a new book again. As I read it, I remember bits and pieces of it, but it's still fun. Animal Dreams was an interesting book. There was a lot of sadness in it, but very realistically in that tragedy happens to people in the most bizarre ways and that we have to learn to live with that. There was also joy in the book underneath it all and it does have a satisfactory ending. I don't say a happy ending, because no such thing exists. Well, endings don't exist, do they? One person or the other dies, but the rest of the people go on living. They have to, that's their fate. To carry on the story endlessly until someone can come along and write it down again.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I'm surprised he didn't try to change my mind again. I suppose he realized his timing was off.

I just looked outside and see that there are already footsteps in the snow and tire tracks. I'm surprised, it being Sunday. I wouldn't expect anyone to be up that early, or to be out that late. Of course, the cafés don't close until 3 am, so it could be people coming home from a night out. I think some places stay open even longer, but I think that's in the summertime when you can get home when the sun is up. I'm not a party animal, so I don't know much about these things. I haven't stayed up to party all night since I was 26 and it was New year's Eve and I saw the morning coming. That's a long time ago.

It's very nice here with my bathrobe on. I have no desire yet to go back to bed. I am wide awake. I think I will stay up and visit some blogs that I've been neglecting, because I visit them, but very often lately I haven't been leaving any comments and I feel like that's just a bit antisocial. It's like peeking in, but not letting anyone know you've been there. Of course, lately I haven't felt like I know what to say, I've been so empty of words that are cheerful and it's been an effort to say anything at all.

Have a good Sunday you all. I hope your snow melts if you have any.

Ciao!

What is it anyway?

After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don't feel at all like I've ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I've got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I'm yawning so hard, that I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.

The Exfactor always thought that I didn't know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn't know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don't let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can't find them, they create them.

It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn't. I've got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn't give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn't feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There's always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.

I've never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I'm glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don't want a broken arm. It's hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, "Watch out, watch out!" I can't ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, "Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?" Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It's hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.

It's all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn't go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.

I'm having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.

Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I'm going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn't take long to do it and I'm seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven't seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn't been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It's going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.

I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don't know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don't really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I'm glad that I'm getting the proper lenses put into those. I've tried them out, of course, and I can't wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don't know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don't think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.

I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what's missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There's not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I'll either fix it or ruin it. It's a 50/50 chance that I take. That's what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I'm futzing too much now with other little details and I don't want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That's what I need to get back to.

Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that's when I feel best. I'm complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.

Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don't want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night's sleep and I will "see" you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.

Ciao,
Nora

A good Friday!

What an understatement that is, it's gone so well up to now...

I just got back from downtown, where I sat at the outdoor café with Von and drank cappuccino and espresso and watched early autumn leaves drop from the tall trees that shade the square. It's too early in the season, but some of the leaves are changing color and dropping to the ground and the strong wind helped shake them off the lower branches.

In a way, it is a nice sight and not so awful. It makes you feel kind of warm and cozy inside, especially if your sitting there in a warm and cuddly jacket that your friend has just given you out of the blue. It has many buttons and is soft and fuzzy and has a hood, perfect for this coming season. I was very pleasantly surprised and after trying it on, kept it on all afternoon.

We had to do a lot of talking, because we had not seen each other in at least 3 weeks. That's a long time when you're best friends. So we talked up a storm, almost literally, because the wind kept picking up and playing around the square quite strongly. There were rain clouds in the sky, but we did not get rained on.

We walked to a big department store and checked out the creative department for a special pen that Von was looking for and I saw lots of neat stuff. I could have a real field day in there. There is so much to choose from and there are things there I had not even thought of.

We also went to the top floor, because I had to use the toilet, and there we saw some neat mugs with sayings on them, so we bought each other a mug. I bought Von a mug that says, "You are my cup of tea, " and she bought me one that says, "I miss you more than coffee." We exchanged them with a grin and a kiss after we had paid for them. They were wrapped up in tissue paper and a bag. It's so nice to buy someone something they are really going to use.

This morning at creative therapy, I got a big white canvas and a big black felt tip pen and the challenge to make a drawing. Of course, I had been thinking about it all week, so I knew what I was going to draw, but the canvas was much bigger than I expected, so I had to take in the scale of it and draw bigger than I thought I was going to. After I filled half the canvas, I got out some acrylic colors and started to paint, which was a lot of fun and gave me a good idea of what in the world I was doing.

Everything is going to need two coats of paint, which is alright, because I enjoy the painting process. It is a very serene activity. So far I've used burnt sienna and moss green. I'll give those two coats first before I go on with the rest and then Iĺl finish drawing.

While I was painting, it started to rain and it rained hard, which is what we really needed and everything got a good soaking. It was really nice and a little dark outside, so inside it was very cozy and bright. Luckily it stopped by the time I had to go home and walk the dog. Everything was very refreshed, though, and the skies were stormy looking and the wind was blowing hard. My short hair almost got blown off my head. It all blew to one side and when I got home, I had to fix it with wax. Push everything back into place.

The Exfactor stopped by on his way home from the library and had a cup of coffee and we had a minute chat while Jesker tried to get all the attention in all possible ways. We sat at the table and Jesker's too short to look on top of it to see if we have anything good to eat. He just assumes we do. You can imagine the rest. The cats jump on top of the table and make him quite jealous. He wishes he could do that too, but he can hardly stand on his hind legs.

When I went downtown, I had to ride my bike into the wind and it was a little hard sometimes. When I got to the bridge, it was too steep and too windy for me to get up there, so I had to get off my bike and walk it up. I was out of breath when I got to the top, but when I rode it down on the other side, I almost couldn't brake on time for someone on a scooter. All I could yell was, "Sorry!" I hope he heard me. He was probably thinking, "Darn middle aged women on their bikes!" I hope he thought I was middle aged and not old.

Well, now I have to go and walk the dog again. Duty calls me. So does the sunshine and the wind. I like stormy weather and I wouldn't mind some more rain after I get in.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

Back home again.

Jesker is still a little wobbly and sleepy, but he walked out of the vet's office to my sister's car unaided. When we came home he was a little confused about what he was supposed to do, but then figured out he had to follow me inside and walk into the apartment, where he promptly went to sleep and that is pretty much all he has been doing since he's been home.

The vet cleaned his teeth and also cleaned the infected canine all the way to the root and has put him on antibiotics for 6 days. He said he didn't need to pull the tooth, because it was in there very solidly. So now we hope for the best.

When the vet gave him the shot to put him under, it hurt and Jesker got very angry and I had to hold onto him or else...then he slowly got very sleepy and wobbly and pretty soon he was sound asleep at my feet. Then the vet could have a good look at this tooth and tell me what he was going to do to it.

I left him cleaning Jesker's teeth and went home to get my purse and bike and rode it downtown to meet Von. Luckily, I did not get rained on once. We sat on the terrace under the heated canopy and had a perfect view of everybody walking by and only saw a couple of men that were worth a soft whistle from me.

Von had come into some money and treated and told me to order whatever I wanted, so I ordered an ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, which was served on a stylish dish with chocolate artfully arranged over it, with a fruit in the middle. Von had the cheese platter with grapes and sweetened fruit and salad and a myriad of cheeses and bread of which I tasted some too and they were delicious.

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I got so sleepy while I was writing that, that I went to sleep on the sofa for the whole evening and missed the news again. Oh well...

Jesker woke me up early this morning because he was hungry. Of course, he hadn't eaten since the day before yesterday, so he ate a big bowl of food and some Bonzo bones and then went out back for a piddle (his first one). He's now sound asleep again, completely satiated.

Although I had eaten a lot yesterday, this did not reflect itself on the bathroom scale this morning where I weighed less then yesterday, but we all know weight is fickle, so I won't put too much worth on it. I just thought I would have gained weight, that's all.

Here's a doodle I made the other day and colored with brush and ink:


And here's a sculpture that I painted yesterday, it's called: The Golem.


Just some of my latest endeavors. There are another doodle and another sculpture coming up Monday and then that will be it for the sculptures. I haven't made anymore and I don't know when I will. I may make another collage, I'm working on another doodle and, of course, there is that painting I have to finish. I think I will work on the painting on Tuesdays and do nothing else that day. Ha, listen to my famous last words!

Well, I think that's it for me for right now. I'll write more later when I'm really awake. This has all been slumber writing.

Talk to you soon,

Ciao...

A heck of a new day!

As far as I'm concerned, we all forget about that spiritual weblog that I tried to start up as soon as possible, because it caused me nothing but extreme frustration until the wee hours of the night, while finding out that I am a neo-pagan, and I just wanted it so badly, that I became fixated on it and couldn't leave it alone and wanted it to look the way I wanted it to and make it accept all your comments.

I should have seen the writing on the wall. The minute I start to involve my usual sober minded self with spiritual matters, it's a sign that I'm hypomanic, but I didn't even realize it until late at night when I was frustrating myself to pieces and becoming dysphoric. When it was already late enough, I took my heavy duty sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and went to bed, but this morning I was up bright and chipper when the alarm clock rang and more than ready to start the new day.

I felt I had no other duty but to set you all straight, but I have to figure out how to get back onto belief.net and I'll do that in a while, where I can direct lost and confused people back to this blog, but I hope you all have enough sense to have a look here. That #@%(*&^%(!@blog!!! I wish I had never run across it. Even now it is still tempting me with its spiritual lure and promises of customized headers and imported archives and friends who can leave comments. It's not out of my system yet. It's a fixation and I know them so well.

So this morning I went to creative therapy and walked in and someone said, "Oh, have you done something to your hair?" I said, "No silly, I'm wearing glasses!" Nobody else noticed them. At least, nobody commented on them, except for Lilian who reads this blog and knew I had them and she liked them. The rest looked at me like they always do, with friendly interested faces.

Anyway, I sat down at the workbench and said in a loud voice, "Okay, where are my cookies and my cup of coffee?'" You wouldn't believe it, but in the shortest amount of time I had a cup of coffee and two gingerbread cookies and a shortbread cookie. I guess I can be a very authoritative woman.

I finished that sculpture that is supposed to replace the one that got broken, but I don't have high hopes for it. I'm going to have to keep my fingers crossed for it and hope this one doesn't break also. In the meantime, I spoke French with P. who sat across from me and who is fluent and I'm not. Quel dommage! I do manage the odd phrase and sentence and pretend I understand half of what he says.

Anyway, he had been to Lourdes with his mother, even though he is not a believer, though his mother is, but he had a wonderful time and I guess it's something you have to experience, especially the light procession. And all around Lourdes it's hugely commercial with anything pertaining to religion for sale at hefty prices. And everywhere there are the sick and the disabled hoping to be cured and they come every year. It's their annual holiday.

After we had our break, I and some one else were late coming back to the studio and when I opened the door, I said, "Taraaah, here we are! Did you miss us?" And everyone said that they did very much. It's good to be so well liked, although I think they were just trying to humor us.

The weather couldn't make up its mind today. It threatened to rain, but never did and when the sun was out, it was warm, so I didn't know how to dress for my afternoon downtown with Von. In the end I went with the layered look, figuring I could take things off if I needed to.

I was at the café first and they already know I want a cappuccino, so I don't need to tell them that. Our table was vacated shortly after I got there and I quickly laid claim to it before anyone else could get it. I would have chased them off with a very angry look anyway.

When Von got there, she looked like a model, but she never believes me when I say that, so I say it a lot. Maybe it will sink in one day.

I ate three pieces of nougat, so you can see that so far today I've eaten very healthy food. I must drink a large glass of multi vitamin juice soon.

Von doesn't read my blog because she says it would make her feel like a voyeur and she wants to hear all the stories from me, so I was able to entertain her with some. We also checked out men, but surprisingly few came up to our standards. It's a very sad thing. Maybe we are in the wrong part of the country or something. We do have high standards, it's true. Men my age are very used up looking. They all have beer bellies. Burgundian stomachs. The good life reigns and takes its toll.

I am going to try and behave like a normal person tonight, but I have ants in my pants and feel like undertaking something. That doesn't sound like I'm up to much good, does it? I must find a way to get rid of the extra energy in a productive way. Not come up with some half baked scheme that involves new weblogs and spirituality.

Wish me luck in making wise choices. God forbid I'm going to do something silly again.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.8 kilos. I've lost 6 kilos now.

Ciao...

On a fun Friday

I'm almost too tired to write this post, but I'm going to give it a try anyway.

This morning I weighed 95.2 kilos and here's what I've eaten today: five shortbread cookies, three pieces of nougat, one can of mackerel in tomato sauce and this afternoon I had two cappuccinos and one Wieckse Witte. That doesn't sound very nutritious, does it? Oh, and tonight I had a slice of muesli bread with lunch meat and one slice of raisin bread.

All around me on the café terrace this afternoon, people were consuming large platters of delicious food and I wondered where they put it all. It was almost disgusting to see them eat it. Actually, to me it was unbelievable. Von and I sat there sniffing up all the delicious smells and thought there ought to be a law against it. They ought to separate the eating crowd from the non eating crowd. Here we are sitting at our table looking quite disgusted.



This morning, at creative therapy, two of my sculptures were ready to be painted. Another one had for some reason shattered into about fifteen unglueable pieces, but I was not too upset about it, because it was just a minor sculpture that I had put together quickly one morning.

I did care about the two that survived and I now have six sculptures finished. Painting them was a lot of fun, first the black and then the bronzing effect, which is always a surprise as to how it will turn out. The bronze paint needs to be mized just so and I don't do that. The assistant does that and she know just how to get the color right.



I brought them home in my bicycle bags, trying to not hit any bumps in the road. I had visions of them breaking on the way home. That would have been a very sad thing indeed. Or, God forbid, I could have been hit by a car. That would have been disastrous. Not for me, but for the sculptures.

I've put the second one on the coffee table and the first one on my bookcase in my bedroom.

Speaking of bedrooms...all I have to do is go lie down in my bed with the bedside lamp on and lie down and look around and a great sense of calm comes over me. I don't do anything but look around and that's what I am going to do now, because I'm very tired and I need to go to sleep.

I hope you all have a good sleep too and I'll see you all tomorrow.

Ciao...

Friday on the merry go round.

It's a good thing that the dog woke me early this morning, because although I had set my alarm for 7 am, it didn't actually go off until 7:50 and that would have been kind of late. So the alarm clock is not reliable anymore and I already thought it was not, because the other day it showed completely the wrong time. Which meant I went to a cheap household goods store today and bought a radio alarm clock that is a 24 hour digital one and set it to a pleasant Belgian radio station to go off at 7 am and it has a snooze button. Not that I will use that, of course. I will listen to the pleasant Flemish voices and wake up in a good mood, and start my day full of good cheer.

I've increased my tranquilizers today from three pills at the time to five pills at the time. It was either that or go back to the Temazepam, and since that makes me so sleepy, I didn't want to do that. It was an executive decision that I made on my own, but I will inform my SPN shortly by email. I am sure that she loves how I let her know these things after the fact, but I count on her to trust me. It lits a load of my shoulders and I don't nearly feel the stress that I felt before.

If you wonder why I feel the stress, it is partly because of that ridiculous domestic help scene that turned out to be something else than what I needed and I have to address this issue in my email to my SPN also. I've talked about it with several people today and they all said that I should ask for more.

Creative therapy went fine. I destroyed the creation I was working on that I was making up by myself, because I was very unhappy with it and dropped and pounded the clay back into one solid lump so I could start all over again. I then brought out the bible, which is Henri Moore's book of sculptures, and picked out one that I wanted to make and I've made a lot of progress and I'm happy with it. Somehow I always do better making a copy. I don't have one original thought in my head when it comes to working with clay, unless I want to make flower pots and who wants to make them?

I ate breakfast before I left, so I wouldn't be tempted to eat cookies at therapy and I walked in there and the table was laden with many packs of three kinds of cookies and I thought that was awfully cruel. I was able to withstand them however, but I did eat two old biscuits from the tin that was sitting there. They were tiny and didn't count. I used up those calories going up the stairs to the deck and the espresso machine during the break.

Then it was homeward bound with a quick stop at the tobacconist and then home to the dog, who was all poor and pathetic for having been alone all morning. I took him out for a quick walk while all the while my toe hurt like crazy. It's making it hard for me to walk at a quick pace.Then I walked to the bus stop to catch the bus downtown, even though I said I wouldn't , but my bike is too funky,

I waited at the café under the awning, which was heated very pleasantly, for Von to get there while I had a cappuccino. I was early and Von was late, but in the end we found each other and spent two hours doing nothing but talk and talk. I had two cappuccinos and a Wiekse Witte so I have to watch my calories tonight. There were cookies with the cappucinos which I refused to eat and I gave my fist one to a pigeon. He got lucky.

We parted company when I went to buy my alarm clock and then I even went to two clothing stores without buying anything at all and got to the bus stop one minute before the bus got there. That was sheer luck. I hobbled home from the bus stop and took my boots of right way to give my poor toe a break. Soon enough I had to put them back on to walk the dog, but now they are off and I'm sitting here in my socks, which is a great relief. I can't even wear my slippers because they hurt too much. I think another trip to the GP is warranted.

Now I'm going to have myself a glass if juice and a slice of raisin bread and then put on my pajamas, Then I'm going to hang in there as long as possible.

Ciao...

A Pretty Decent Day.

Yesterday morning I was so slow in getting my act together, it was wonderful. I got up late and sat here behind the computer for as long as the Überhund allowed it, which was a long time. Those have got to be my favorite hours of the day, early in the morning in my bathrobe with a mug of coffee behind the computer. I feel that I'm in a timeless space, cut off from the world and nothing can interfere with me and what I'm doing. Luckily, nobody ever comes to the door, unless it is to deliver a package, but I usually know that ahead of time.

So, I sat there quite merrily, postponing everything until I had to walk the poor dog and then I got the show on the road and got dressed in my best duds and took him out. After that, I attempted to create some order in the much neglected apartment in which I succeeded a little bit. It looked less bad when I was done than it did before and that was an improvement anyway.

I had an appointment in town with my friend Von and I was planning to ride my bike, which the Exfactor had managed to fix to the point that the problem was much less that it had been, but I need a new back wheel. That will have to wait for a while.

Von and I were planning to meet on the Amor Square, which is really a small triangle downtown surrounded by cafés and shops. I rode my bike through the busy traffic and parked it in the underground parking and walked across those darned cobblestones to the square. It wasn't very busy, because of the dubious sky, which looked like it might start to rain any second, but it was warm out and I really hadn't needed my jacket.

Von had found a table under the canopy of a café and we very cozily settled in. Unluckily, at this café, they didn't sell Wieckse Witte and the waiter claimed that it was because it was not produced according to the original recipe anymore. Well, you could have fooled me, because I never tasted a better beer, but he suggested another white beer called Erdinger Weissbier, which came in a tall half liter glass, but which was not nearly as good as the Wieckse Witte, so I think they made a mistake. The next time, I am looking at all the beer charts before I sit down at a café. My tastebuds were ready for a Wieckse Witte and they were disappointed. Nevertheless, I had two glasses, because they made me so nice and mellow and mellow was what I needed.

We checked out the men that walked by and approved or disapproved. We always liked the ones that looked at us and made eye contact, because they were the ones that were most self assured. We talked about everything under the sun, including my son whose birthday it would have been that day. He would have been 34 years old. I didn't feel sad, but told Von a little bit about him.

When we were done having our drinks, we got up and walked around downtown where I had a soft ice cream and Von bought a bag of fries with mayonnaise.

We walked around eating them and ended up at the big square called the Vrijthof, where there are two big churches and many sidewalk cafés.

We settled down on the monument to I forget what it is for, so Von could finish her fries and I took some pictures of café Monopole, which was our first hang out spot.

And here is a detail of the facade.

It was time to say our goodbyes until next week and each go to our respective bikes. A few drops of rain fell out of the sky, but it wasn't much to speak of. I rode my bike home in the rush hour traffic, but I'm pretty nimble now and know how to time my moves.

The Überhund was sound asleep when I got home and didn't notice me until I was standing right in front of him. Then he was all full of happiness and followed me to the toilet where I had to sit and pet him.

I was beat! I felt like I had been on a long afternoon trek through the bush and I was weary to the bone. I made myself some coffee and downloaded the pictures I had taken. My legs felt like lead and I still had to walk the Überhund. I fed him first, so he could lie around digesting for a bit. It rained for just a little while and when it was done, we went outside and it was still balmy out.

It was great to finally just be home and to know that I didn't have to do another thing. I sat behind the computer for a while, but fell asleep behind the keyboard. I quickly put on my pajamas and my big cardigan and got something to eat and curled up on the sofa where I promptly fell asleep. I know I woke up at one time to take my medicines, but I don't remember if I tried to turn on the computer again then. I think it must have been all the emotions of the last days that made me so tired.

This morning I have creative therapy and I think that a bunch of my sculptures will have been baked, so I will be painting them. Putting a patine on them. I think that will be a lot of fun. If I don't do that, I am bringing a book with me to begin an altered book. I will start with a small book first to get a taste of it and to practice on, as I have never done it before and have only seen samples on the Internet, on other people's blogs.

The Exfactor is coming over this afternoon to bring me some full format photographs on a memory stick that I will be sending to John Mora. The photographs, I mean. The Exfactor has wireless and limited MB's per month.

Well, have a super day today, I am going to try and have one myself. I must after all that. Enough drama already. A little bit goes a long way.

Ciao...

Lazy Sunday...

I am planning on having a lazy Sunday. That includes taking many naps and hanging out behind the computer and watching interesting, I hope, programs on the television. I want to have a day of sheer self indulgence and the least amount of responsibility. Well, I'll take care of the cats and walk the Überhund, but other than that I will contemplate my navel and stand in front of my closet and look for pretty clothes to wear. Maybe something good will jump out at me.

Then I'll look in the bathroom mirror and see if I have any stray hairs on my chin while wearing my extra strong set of spare reading glasses that I can't wear behind the computer, but that are perfect for rounding up stray facial hairs. Yes, I am at that age of confused hormones that can't decide if I am still enough of a woman not to grow a beard. It's the curse of womanhood and hardly ever talked about. Luckily, they are all blond and not easily seen by other people.

I will contemplate my navel while drinking mugs of decaf and smoking handmade cigarettes and think about such issues as will I part my hair to the left or the right, will I make it curly with the curling iron or just leave it straight and what will I do about the two kilos that I gained and will I be able to loose them by next week? See here the uncomplicatedness of my thoughts. I keep them that way on purpose and selectively think that way, leaving the larger issues for other moments when I am more willing to tackle them head on at braver moments.

I will pet the Überhund and have several cats sit on top of me and not be bothered by the addition of hair to my black cardigan, if that is what I end up wearing. I will wear my Pippy Longstocking leggings of which I have 3 pairs in different colors and feel amused and silly by them.

I will also, probably, contemplate the walls, which need a coat of paint, but the thought of that is too daunting for me, so I will not dwell on that too much. Better think of collages and colors and images and texts and that tomorrow is Monday and I can go to creative therapy again.

So you see, I will have a busy contemplation time and hopefully sometimes my mind will wander into an area of nothingness and be as blank as an unwritten piece of paper.

I was such a daydreamer as a kid, that very often I was oblivious of what happened around me and had to be called back to reality with some effort. This gave my parents the impression that I was somehow not quite functional, as in dysfunctional, and they worried about my state of mind. They expected little of me and were surprised when I did well. I daydreamed my way through grade school and didn't wake up until high school where I had to keep my wits about me.

Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding what people say to me and I either fake it and pretend that I heard them, or I ask them to repeat themselves. It all depends on how comfortable I feel with that person. Sometimes this creates misunderstandings, because I don't react in a way that is expected of me in response to what has been said to me. I think people must think I'm a bit of an airhead, when really I just didn't understand the words they spoke to me. It was the tower of Babel to me. I like people who articulate well and speak loudly. I've had this problem my whole life.

I learned to speak up and clearly when I lived in the States. I acquired one of those loud American voices. Hearty and cheerful. I could small talk with the best of them and no subject was out of my realm. It was a problem when I came back to the Netherlands, because I had forgotten so much of the language and I became timid and self conscious about speaking out my thoughts for which I had no words. I was verbally handicapped and could no longer small talk, let alone talk about the big issues. I always reverted back to English.

It split me in half and I was only half a person and I didn't recognize the Dutch one and had a hard time coming to grips with her. I reverted back to being a child in my dependencies and felt very helpless. I had to carve out a whole new woman. A Dutch woman with an American tint. It took me quite a while to give shape to this person and the mastery of the language was a very important part of this. The problem was that my thoughts and my dreams were in English, so I constantly had to translate myself.

I have been here 15 years now and I think I have made the transformation, but I still love the use of the English language and in a way, it will always be my first language in which I can say a whole bunch of things that I can't say in Dutch. Depending on the subject and the characters, I either dream in English or in Dutch. I can say endearments in Dutch now and swear in Dutch now also, so I have come a long way.

I don't daydream much anymore. I've become much too alert for that. I am constantly monitoring myself, as I always keep track of my inner self and its state of mind. Aberrations are dealt with immediately. I will keep an even keel. There will be no tilting to the right or left. My state of mind is like a child that needs a guiding hand all the time and needs to be led on the right path constantly, lest it strays away too far from its destiny. That's the kind of discipline I've taught myself over the past years.

I am Dutch enough now to care a great deal about what happens inside this country and I bend myself over the big issues and form opinions on them. It's a good country to live in and most people are of good will. The politics aren't obviously corrupt and when you vote, you get the feeling that you make a difference. Things could be better and there are a lot of conditions I would change, but I can only achieve that by voting. At least I can vote, which I was never able to do in the States, not being a citizen of that country.

The best part about being dutch is, that I have found my pragmatism again and my sensibility, but maybe those are European traits. I am not a flag waving, take it or leave it Yankee. I know that is a broad statement, but you get my drift. Things rub off on you.

I think if there is anything Dutch people abhor, it is nationalism, having come in contact with that in an extreme form during world war II, We suspect anyone who starts spouting that kind of nonsense. It goes against our grain, even though secretly we are proud to be Dutch, we don't like to be organized in a group of fatherland lovers. We don't salute our flag and hardly know the words to the national anthem, but don't attack us as Dutch people, because we do have our pride. We pour scorn on ourselves, but don't allow an outsider to do it.

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I've been out walking the Überhund. It isn't very cold out, 3 degrees Celsius. That does make difference between freezing and not freezing. It was almost balmy. You get used to anything when it is cold and appreciate any rise in temperatures. It was overcast, but it is supposed to be sunny today. A meek little sun that hardly warms the earth, but does its best anyway. Its going to be a bit warmer in the next few days. All is well as long as you wear layers of clothes.

Here in the South, people are very chauvinistic about their language and lifestyle. The language is spoken by high and low and the life style is Burgundian, with the emphasis on good food and drink. There are many good restaurants and many fun cafés. Downtown is a perfect area to get lost in and do nothing but move from one café terrace to the other to get different views of the old buildings. You can have cappuccinos with cookies all afternoon, though you can alternate those with glasses of white wine or good beer from the local breweries.

There is nothing wrong about being a woman on your own and going into a café. Nobody will bother you and you very leisurely can have your drink and enjoy the noise and activity around you. I have never seen cases of drunkenness during the day and everybody is in a good mood.

Th best thing about living here is that it is a city, but it feels like small town, because it is compact and you can get around by foot or by bike. Once you learn to understand the language, you don't feel like an outsider so much. A Hollander.

Well, that's about all I have to share with you today. Don't forget to read my post below about the medicines.

Have a great day.

Ciao...

It has been...

It has been a day and a half here. I feel like I've done a lot in one short day, but maybe that is just an illusion and I just seems that way. I know I was in and out of the apartment quite a few times.

It started late this morning, when I saw a flea on the Überhund and I hopped on my bike right away to the pet shop and bought Frontline Combo flea drops. They are the only ones that work well. When I left the apartment, it was snowing just a tiny little bit, but nothing too bad, although it was cold and windy. I am still wearing a skirt and leggings, so things are still bearable. I also wear a leather jacket and gloves and a scarf, that is how cold it is.

Later on, when I had to go see my SPN, it was snowing quite a bit harder and I didn't wear my knitted woolen hat for the sake of my hairdo, although I should have, because by the time I got there, I had a mop of wet hair. Well, never mind I thought. Just let it dry that way, at least it is still in shape.

I had a good talk with my SPN and was happy to inform her that my mood was good and that I was more able to be open to other people I met and more able to start and continue conversations. I think I have found some courage and some common sense due to some of the comments I have gotten here and they have helped me enough to put on my brave shoes and step forward instead of backward when meeting people.

So, that has been an improvement that I am happy with. I also notice that I am able to look people straight in the eyes more easily instead of looking away like I am used to doing, and I look at them with a cheerful face, mostly. That is if I like them and feel good about the situation and I rarely dislike someone bad enough to give them an angry look. I may look tired or weary or disinterested, but not angry.

My SPN and I made three appointments for what's left of this year, so I wont have to miss her at all, and I am happy about that, to not have to go through the holidays without her support.

Then I rode my bike home and the snow that fell was wet and nasty and I got good and wet and when I got home, I took a towel and rubbed my hair dry and as a result, I got very messy hair, which was interesting and gave me a whole new look, so I left it that way for now. It's dried up like I am a punker.

Then I thought about my glasses and how little they were helping me see well and how I really should go to the optometrist and have my eyes checked again and I thought, well why not do that right now and get it over and done with. So, I put on my long winter coat and a dry scarf and took the bus downtown and walked through some more wet snow to Specsavers. They had me on record from the last time I was there and I could get an appointment in one hour's time, which meant I had to kill an hour downtown.

I bought a pack of cigarettes, which I had neglected to take with me, and went to Café Monopole and found a table for two on the heated terrace and ordered a cappuccino. It quickly came with a chocolate and a cookie and I ate the chocolate, which was white in the shape of a wreath. At the table next to me, here were four women from the north of the country laughing and speaking in their own dialect and I kept silent, because I didn't want them to know that I understood everything they said, but sometimes I had to smile. They were really funny and typically women out on the town.

When I got to Specsavers, I was right on time for my appointment and I had my eyes measured first and then saw the optometrist who did the actual testing with different kinds of lenses. He had the results of the exam when I was there before and said that the glasses I had probably weren't helping me very much, because both my eyes had gotten worse. As a matter of fact, my right eye needs a lens three times stronger than what it had needed before.

The optometrist suggested that I see an ophthalmologist, because he thought that was an awful big change, so tomorrow, I have to make an appointment and I don't need a referral from by GP, like I thought I did. I don't know how much I should worry about this, but I have decided not to. I picked out a new frame in a different model than what I have now and the glasses will be done on Wednesday next week, so I am looking forward to that, because I really want to know what the world looks like when I have the proper glasses on. I hope to be pleasantly surprised.

After that I went to the film house to have a cappuccino and a cigarette with the Exfactor and he was there and we had a nice little visit. It was pitch dark out by this time and the shops were closing and the streets were emptying of people. Luckily, it had stopped snowing and everything was merely wet and cold. We had our cappuccinos inside, but since the new smoking policy, we had to smoke outside around the ashtray by the door. It's not very cozy, but oh well. You smoke faster.

In the meantime, it was 6:30 and I had to go home to walk the Überhund and when I got to the bus stop, the most convenient bus for me just pulled up, so I was home in no time at all. The Überhund was very happy to see me and I took him out right away and he was very relieved. He had to go on all fronts and had been patiently waiting.

Now I am sitting here in my pajamas and my bathrobe and he is laying by my feet, sound asleep and almost snoring. The heater is on and for the first time in a while I am really feeling toasty warm. Boy, it sure was cold on that bike today with my hair sopping wet. I must remember to wear my hat the next time. My head was the coldest part of my body, not my legs in the warm leggings.

Regardless of the weather, it was busy downtown and there were lots of tourists. Damn foreigners! No, I'm just kidding. See, I am getting to be a regular native cursing all the tourists that crowd downtown. No, let them come and spend all their money, it's good for us.

Except for the weather, it was cozy downtown and I did somewhat get in the proper mood, although I don't have the money to festively shop. Luckily, we don't do presents at Christmastime. We just do the tree and the food, speaking of which, I should eat something, because speaking of food really makes me feel hungry.

Okay, this is a long enough epistle now and I can put it to bed. At the moment, it is foggy and 2 degrees Celsius outside. I hope that means that tomorrow the weather will be nice.

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao...

As I write this...

As I write this, I am waiting for the men to come to install my new hot water heater. They should be here any minute now. I heard a van pull up, but since then all has been silence. I think a hot water heater is called a boiler in England and I am not sure what it is called in the States, but it is the thing that gives me hot water throughout the apartment, including the radiators for the central heating, so getting a new one is a big deal. I hope this one is even more efficient than the old one, so more cost effective and ecologically sound.

I forgot to tell you about the great cardigan that I bought on Wednesday afternoon at a textiles shop. It is black with a big collar and two big buttons and it is almost as long as my skirt. I got it for 10 Euros and, although I did not want to spend any money on myself this month, I could not resist getting it at that price. It looks very classy and more expensive and it is very warm.

I also had to get a present for my sister whose birthday it is tomorrow. I got her a pretty necklace with beads that shimmer in any kind of light and look like crystals. They are threaded with very thin wire and seem to float in the air and there are three strings of them at unequal lengths. My sister loves necklaces as much as I do, so I know she will be happy with this one.

Well, the men with the boiler are here now and they've started the job. I am curious as to how long it will take them too install it. This is the first time in my life that I've ever gotten a new boiler, so it's quite an event. The cats and the Überhund are quite curious as well.

I'll try and not be too distracted by all of this and get on with writing.

Yesterday wasn't a very eventful day, it being Thursday and so far a day off for me, although it may not be much longer. I have an appointment next week with someone to see if I can fill up either my Thursday or my Friday mornings with a useful activity. It will be in the same building where I have my creative and ergo therapies now, but in a different kind of program and a special request needed to be made for it. It is possible that I will do another creative class on Thursdays, but anything is possible. We'll see. I am glad that I'm getting the opportunity.

I swept the apartment with a broom, because I didn't want to be bothered by the noise of the vacuum cleaner, but now, of course, I still have to vacuum the furniture, there's no way around it. The Überhund is shedding much less, but there still is an amazing amount of hair after a few days that all hides under the furniture. It is very satisfactory to sweep it all up into the dustpan.

The Überhund is having a wonderful time. Full of interest he is watching the men at work and commenting on their every move and when they go out to their van, he trots along behind them to see what they do there. He is so alert and in between this, he comes back to me and lies at my feet as if to reassure himself that everything is okay. The cats are climbing over the boxes and the equipment and are very curious. We don't often have such entertainment here.

At the end of the afternoon yesterday, I fell asleep on the sofa and was out cold for a while until the phone rang. It was someone who wanted to know if I wanted a subscription to a newspaper and I would, except that it is so expensive and I really can't afford it. If I could only get the Saturday newspaper, I would do that and I have to look into the possibility of getting that kind of subscription for my favorite newspaper, which was, believe it or not, originally a Christian newspaper, but it is a very informative one with excellent opinion pages and very interesting articles. I miss reading it.

The google reader keeps me updated on the blogs I read, but lately I have decided that I read too many and I have eliminated a few of them. There were just too many I was trying to keep track off and, although they all had their appeal, some of them had to go. Some were new to me and I had to make the decision if I wanted to invest my energy into really getting to know them better or to stop reading them. If they were more than fascinating, I kept them. It is really bad if you don't get around to reading your very favorites, you can't have that. I really do have my favorites, but I'm not going to tell you here who those are. That's for you to figure out.

All of the shops are open one night a week until 9 PM once a week on Thursdays. I purposely forget that this is so, because it is very tempting to go downtown then and walk through the festively decorated streets and sit in a café and watch all the people go by and maybe pop into a store and buy something very appealing. The café terraces are even pleasant to sit on, if you keep your coat on, because they are heated by space heaters that are quite efficient.

You can bet that it is very busy downtown now, because there is Winter Wonderland on the big square with an ice skating rink and the Christmas market with many stalls. Since I am not in that kind of mood, I try to ignore that bit of it and only incidentally try to catch glimpses of the festivities, which, I admit, is difficult.

I suppose that this weekend, I should write some Christmas cards and get in the mood a little bit. I am feeling some resistance, but I suppose it must be done. This will be the first time that I'll sign the cards with my maiden name. I have never done so before and it will be quite an experience. Some people I will have to inform and I will have to add a little note.

The guys that are installing the boiler are quite funny. They want to know everything about me and the animals, so in between all the activities, they are getting to hear my life story and are entertained. They also saw my young, divorced neighbor and wanted to know all about her, so I told them what I could. They are hoping to install a new boiler there soon.

Well, everything must come to an end and so must this. It has become a rambling sort of thing, but that's okay.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Ciao...

How?

How do I tell you about today? It started off as such an ordinary day. I did my chores around the apartment and walked the Überhund and barely managed to eat a slice of bread and then, because the weather was so beautiful, I hatched the plan to go downtown and shop and sit on the terrace of my favorite café.

Because I have discovered the joy of wearing leggings, I wanted to expand my wardrobe with another mini type dress, or something, that had long sleeves and that I would be able to wear a long sleeved stretch T-shirt under. I had a vague idea of what it should look like and hoped I would find something on sale at my favorite shop, which is famous for having continuous sales.

So, I got myself all gussied up and hopped on the buss and rode it into town and got off at the market square, where it was busy with all sorts of traffic and people enjoying the sunshine. Dodging bicycles and scooters, I made it to my store and began my search for the perfect dress, which I then proceeded not to find. Mmm...change tactics, rethink the strategy, opt for something else. I looked around some more and saw a beautiful finely knitted cardigan that was as long as my shortest dress in a dark gray color. Maybe it was my size.

I took it to the dressing room and took of some layers of clothes and tried it on and it fit. Great! It was on sale for 30% off. Now I had to find a long sleeved stretch T-shirt to go underneath it and it was soon found for hardly any money at all on sale in an olive green color. That almost made the outfit perfect, because at the cash register there were leggings on sale in my size for an apple and an egg and I found some gray striped ones. I had the necklace and the mini dress to complete the outfit at home, so I happily paid for my purchases, the total price of which didn't make me blink at all. What a steal.

To celebrate my good fortune, I went to Café Monopole and ordered a cappuccino which came with a cookie and a chocolate and those really filled me up. The terraces everywhere were very crowded, but I managed to find a small table for two, so I called the Exfactor and asked him to join me. He was at his work a 5 minute walk away from there.

He came full of glee and we had two glasses of wine together, which made me a little tipsy, but what the heck, all I had to do was get on the right bus and they are clearly marked.

Anyway, from the conversation we had, it became very clear to me how much in love the Exfactor is with the Paramount and that this is a very serious relationship with a future and everything. Now, if you think that was easy for me to hear, guess again. I kept a very straight and neutral face and made all the appropriate remarks, but I was thinking all sorts of other things and I felt like having a good cry. But I'm a tough broad and I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

We discussed our divorce party and our upcoming divorce and I was wondering when it would be final, because I thought it should be any day now. The Exfactor was talking about which people he would invite and how he would show the world that he had not left me behind as a poor helpless, downcast and depressed female and that I was doing great. So, that is his purpose for the party. Kind of doesn't want me to have the party anymore.

Anyway, we parted and I took the bus home and when I got home I got the mail from the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from the lawyer. At the same time the phone rang. It was the Exfactor. He asked me if I had read my mail yet, because our divorce decree was in it. I said that I would call him back and opened the envelope and there it was: In the Name of the Queen, we were officially divorced on October the 1st, 2008.

It was very surreal and I didn't know what to think of it. I thought it was kind of shocking and I called back the Exfactor who acted very lackadaisical about it as if it was an announcement about the trash pick up or something. I asked him what he felt, but I don't think he felt a lot. That is the impression I got.

I called both my sisters, but was unable to talk to either one of them about it, because both of them were up to their ears in their own problems, so I cut the conversations short. I needed to talk to someone and my SPN was not in the office. I finally resorted to calling my psychiatrist on his mobile phone and we had a nice and calm discussion about everything and it really helped clear my mind and get some of my sadness out. I felt a 100% better after I talked to him and was back to my old secure self again, the person who knows what to do and how to go about it.

Considering my still lingering feelings for the Exfactor, it is better if I don't lean on him so much and keep a healthy distance between us. We mustn't be too friendly. I must put up some boundaries and clearly draw a line. It really means that he can't be my safe person anymore, because that is too much of an intimate role for him to play in my life. I'll have to take on the responsibility myself or find some other method.

In the meantime, I sure look cute in my new clothes in combination with my dress and necklace. It is all perfect and I wish I had a party to go to so I could show myself off. Never fear, I walk the Überhund and get looked at enough to stroke my ego.

Now I am going to eat some soup, because I am starving. I hope the story I told you was not too boring, but I had to get it off my chest.

Ciao...