Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Good Long Think.

After having written my not so cheerful post this morning, I sat down at the dining table and had a good think about the last few weeks and what my attitude had been and how I had been managing in my life and I came to the conclusion that, especially during the past two weeks, I had not been doing all that well.

I was not managing my household well, I was feeling stress about things that I should not feel stress about, I felt tired in my head from thinking about things and wanted to shut it off, the least little thing upset the structure of my day and caused me to become dysfunctional, everything seemed overwhelming and like too much effort and intimidating and too large in size for me to handle, I wanted to take a pill that would make me stop feeling all the painful and stressful parts and leave me not so vulnerable and I had a hard time talking to my SPN.

Being very familiar with my moods and the times of the year when they happen and knowing a depression when I see one, I could only conclude that I was having one now and the realization that this was so, was almost a relief to me, because it explained so much of what was going on in my life right now.

I called my SPN and explained the situation as I understood it to her and we both came to the same conclusion, which was another relief, because there is nothing worse than thinking that you have the answer and have someone else deny you it.

We put our heads together to think about what we should do and decided that I should go back onto the Temazepam during the day to take the edge off. It will take away the feelings of stress and chaos and make me relax more and not be so sensitive to what I perceive as painful or difficult things around me.

So I just went to the pharmacy to pick up the capsules and I have taken one and should start feeling the effects pretty soon and it will be a load of my mind, I can tell you that.

I know my depressions are temporary states of mind, but that doesn't help me completely when I'm in the middle of one. I know there's an end to it and that I have to wait it out and be patient, but in the meantime, I don't want to feel the negative effects of it. I should say, I want to feel as few of them as possible. That isn't too much to ask, is it? Who ever got any wiser from the negative effects of a depression? There are easier ways to learn things in life than that.

The pharmacist asked me, with a look of disbelief on his face, "You are going to take this medication and that one as well?" You see, I'm a special case and we try things on me that they don't try on other people. I'm willing to take the chance and it takes a lot to get me medicated. It always works out well and I guess I am fortunate.

Well, now the medication is working and I feel a lot of things slide off my shoulders. That's nice. It means that for tonight I can relax and not worry about things that much. Lord, the things I've worried about! All by my lonesome self. It was a regular full time job.

The afternoon sun has warmed up the apartment so much that the temperature on the thermostat is higher than what I had set it for. The weather is going to stay nice for the rest of the week, so that means longer walks with the Überhund and peeking into people's gardens to see what grows there.

Right, I'm off! Have a good evening and be well for goodness sake.


Trembly Tuesday.

Here I sit behind the computer not at all being the industrious and hard working woman whom I thought I was going to be today. All around me lies the evidence of my non commitment to the cleanliness of the apartment and I just don't seem to give a darn and sit here instead and feel like doing nothing but writing my thoughts down. I am so totally uninterested if anything gets done right now. Maybe if you came around with 500 Euros in cold hard cash I would get motivated, but that is about it for me.

The day started out okay, except that I'm still not used to the hour's time difference and I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I need two big mugs of coffee before I'm functional and I sit on the sofa bleary eyed and broken, while the Überhund takes advantage of the situation and positions himself between my legs so he can be petted and embraced and kissed really well. That's about all I'm capable of for the first 40 minutes or so.

Then I pretend to be awake and sort of get the show on the road in a haphazard way while trying not to forget anything. It's a crime getting dressed in the morning and trying to remember the order in which I put my clothes on so that it makes sense and I am not wearing my boots before I've put on my second pair of leggings and my bra before I've put on my T-shirt.

Then it's the hair and the make up, which I either do halfheartedly or very persnickety, depending on how much time I've got and how much motivation. It was a halfhearted job this morning. I rubbed wax in my hair until it looked sufficiently like bedroom hair and sprayed extra strength hairspray on it. The Überhund sneezed a few times and then I was ready to take him out.

The cold morning air does wake me up some, but not enough this morning. I let the Überhund drag me from lamp post to lamp post and stood at the ready with my baggies. I was very happy to be home again where I had time for another mug of coffee before I had to leave to go see my SPN.

I pedaled downtown and avoided most of the morning traffic by leaving just a little bit later, which still got me there on time. I missed all those groups of students who clutter up the bike lanes by the dozens and who run red lights as a matter of course. They are ruthless and know no danger.

When I saw my SPN, I fell into a funk again and became quite unhappy. She asked me why that was and I thought about it and said that sometimes therapy was just tiring and that it exhausted me and that I wasn't in the proper mood for it. I get tired of all the questions and all the explanations and the unknowns and the things I have no answers to. They defeat me and I start to feel very deflated. So we kept it short today and I was glad about that and on the way home I started to feel a bit better.

That still leaves me with a messy apartment and no motivation, so I need to kick myself into the rear end. I will simply start with one thing and slowly work my way through it and then on to the next one and see how far I get.

I really want to insulate myself from everything that is unpleasant and draw a shield of impenetrable silence around myself. As if I had a cloak that I could pull around myself that would protect me from anything that is harmful and unkind. I suppose I really do feel like a gossamer woman today, while that is not my intention at all. My intention is to be a tough broad with square shoulders and shit kicking boots.

I do have to tell you that the weather is lovely. The sky is bright blue and the sun is shining and it is going to be a fairly warm day today. That should cheer me up, right?

Enough of this already. I'm going to walk the dog.

Have a good day. Don't let your mind screw you up!


Monday, March 30, 2009

A New Name.

For several days now, I have been thinking about changing the name of the blog, but I had not come up with a good one yet until today and then I looked at my list of randomly generated titles and saw the word gossamer and I liked it so much, that I knew I had to use it and had to either find an image of some extremely delicate lace or of a spiderweb. The spiderweb turned out to be the easiest one to find and I found one in the right colors too, so voilá. I hope it doesn't confuse you and that you get used to it soon enough.

I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to the summer time that we're on now since this weekend. I find that I really do run one hour behind schedule at the end of the day. Of course, I don't look at the clock that much, but trust the daylight that I see and that throws me for a loop. I mustn't do that, because I'll never get used to it being an hour later.

I had no problem waking up this morning. I was early, as a matter of fact. No doubt worried about sleeping too late, even though I had set the alarm clock. I took a full hour to drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and I even got in some computer time. Then it was off in a rush to get ready and do all the things I need to do in the morning and I always hope I don't forget something crucial, like pull on my skirt or something.

I got to creative therapy well on time and sat and had an espresso in the stinking smoking room with all the other smokers. Some people are leaving after several years of therapy and are a little downcast, but I don't blame them, because they don't know what to do next. They have been disqualified for work and have no place to go.

I finished a sculpture today. It is of a reclining woman, abstract, but recognizable, with breasts and a vulva. The therapist put it somewhere safe to dry, because it is fragile, but I said it was really because it is pornographic. I've picked out which sculpture I'm going to do next and I can't wait to get started on it. It is purely abstract and chunky and solid looking.

I did the grocery shopping this afternoon and when I got to the tobacco counter, I asked for extra strong tobacco in a pot, but they didn't have any, so I'll have to go to the tobacconist and have him order it for me. In the meantime, I'm smoking the mild kind, which is okay too for now. When I have my mind set on something, I must have it, stubborn fool that I am. It's very hard to talk an idea out of my head once it's in there.

My apartment is a disaster. I needs to be cleaned and dusted and vacuumed and I am going to do all that tomorrow. I walked in today and realized what a mess it was. I haven't done any real housework in a few days, having been lazy and discombobulated, which I absolutely have to stop being now. I so very easily let myself become unstructured and free falling and it's no good. I waste my time and accomplish nothing worthwhile and all goes to hell in a hand basket. I really should have a maid, so I could continually waste my time on things such as writing and blogging. Well...I'm just saying!

I took a little nap on the sofa this afternoon, but now I feel like I could go straight to sleep. I am yawning and the tears are nearly running down my cheeks. You know what time it is, don't you?... Yes, it is pajama time!

Well, I hope I have been mildly entertaining to you tonight. I'm so tired and hungry, I hardly know what I'm doing. I need to curl up with something hot and get cozy. No, I don't mean a member of the opposite sex, thank you. That's more trouble than it's worth.

Have a good night. See you tomorrow.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

I've done it.

I've gone and written a really good 6S that I am very happy with and I think I have gained a lot of confidence in my writing skills as a result. Sometimes that just happens, you sit down and start to type and the story comes rolling out as if it was already written and finished in your head and just needed to be put down in print. I'm very proud of myself. You can read it here.

That's not at all how I wanted to start this post. With such exuberance. Silly me. You'd think I won a large amount of money in the lottery or something, while all I did was write a story.

I had my camera handy today and took pictures of the animals while they were in the mood to pose for me. The Überhund was the easiest one to get a good shot of and Nouri was the hardest. She kept darting off in all directions.

Droopy Jesker.

Surprised Gandhi.

Curious Nouri.

Pouncing Toby.

My herd of animals. I have a map where I keep these pictures and I named it "The Animals." You can't get much clearer than that.

Because of that hour difference now, it is already evening and I'm not nearly ready for it to be. I still have to walk the Überhund and put out the trash and it is still light outside. How odd. I am completely discombobulated. I have to go talk to someone about this. I just can't have this.

I am going to end this extremely short post and take care of things, because I feel like I'm running out of time. At least you got to see the pictures of the animals.

Oh yes, let me add some very artistic photographs that the Exfactor took last month. I will show them to you because this is such a short post.


At the end of the day.

The day is drawing to an end. I'm already in my pajamas and my bathrobe and I've been drinking decaf for some hours now, so I'm suitable decaffeinated.

I just ate a big bowl of hot oatmeal and it was so good, it warmed my stomach and all my extremities. I feel like I've had the ultimate comfort food. I had forgotten that I had oatmeal in the cupboard and ran across it yesterday when I was looking for something soothing to eat. What a lucky find.

I've called up about my package and have now been told that it will be here on Tuesday. No explanation really on why it was taking so long and I'll believe it when I see it. I just helped vote this company into the best on line store of the Netherlands and now they are letting me down. They've grown to big for their britches. Isn't that always the way it goes?

I am being distracted by the television which for a change I have not turned off. There is a silly program on and I don't recommend typing a post and listening to a silly television program at the same time. No matter how hard you concentrate, you do get distracted.

There, I've turned the television off, because I don't need that kind of interference. I never do understand people who can blog and listen to music at the same time. I need complete silence when I try to write things down. I do like the sound of the clickety click of the keys on the keyboard. It makes me sound industrious.

It was cold today. There wasn't that much rain, but the wind whipped icy cold around you when you went outside. I want to take the Überhund for longer walks, but it's not the weather for it and he also chooses the short route. I can't wait for nice quiet weather that allows you to walk without a scarf bundled around your neck and wishing for a thicker jacket. The wind is always the culprit in the weather, because it makes the temperatures feel colder than they actually are and it seems that the wind is always blowing here. It's always an important element of the weather.

I've lived in the Netherlands for 15 years now and you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I never get used to the cold of the winter season, and really, it's not that bad compared to the weather people get in the Midwest or in Canada where there is lots of snow and ice and winters last forever. We have nothing like that here, because we are in a temperate zone, but I sure don't like the cold and rain that we do get. I'm a springtime sort of person and I can't wait for April and May when the fun part of the year starts. I shouldn't complain though, because I know that some of you are still stuck in the snow and are waiting for that to thaw.

My day went well enough for a Saturday, because you all know that I really take the weekends off without the least bit of guilt. I do the minimum housework and let the apartment be as it is and try not to get excited about anything that really needs to happen. I figure those are the working day jobs.

I managed a nap on the sofa and that was very pleasant, but I needed it, because I felt it in my bones. A sudden weariness came over me and I laid down and was asleep within a few minutes. I leave the television on turned down low for company and I sleep right through it and then wake up to some program of which I don't have the least idea of what it is about. Very often it is a sports program and some team is performing an obscure sport in some part of the world that I've never heard of and we are not doing well. Sports programs do have to fill their time with sports, even if there is barely anything to cover.

After a refreshing nap, it is time for a good cup of coffee and some computer time, but first I have to bond with the Überhund who has been taking his nap beside me, while some cat has been laying on top of me. The Überhund lies on his back while I rub his belly and he purrs like a kitten, at least, that's what it sounds like to me. It's actually a series of low moans and snorts and sighs, all out of happiness and contentment. Oh, to be a dog and to be that happy.

Firefox opens up six tabs (I don't know the proper word in English) and I can see if there are any new posts or any new comments to the blogs I follow. They also take me to 6S and Facebook and Blogger dashboard and my own blog. If I'm very bored, I read my own old posts and am amazed at what I've written, because I have a bad memory and have forgotten a lot of those things already.

I never let on how bad my memory is. I cover it all up, but I know very often I don't get my facts straight. One thing I alwas forget is how close I am to someone. It's like I have to start every relationship over again from scratch every time, while only vaguely being aware of how close I already am to that person. If it weren't for the other person's efforts, I would remain a stranger to everybody. That's a very odd thing, isn't it? I've always thought that it was something autistic in me. I identify with some aspects of autism and have often wondered if I have some of it myself.

After that revelation, I think it's time for me to go to bed, although I'm not nearly sleepy, but it's late. I'll read until I fall asleep. I've got a new book called The Road Home by Rose Tremain and I think I'll start reading it tonight.

It's turned into a midnight ramble. Have a good sleep, everyone.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

On Bushes and Trees.

Well, the weeds in the pot with the jasmine are growing really well, but it is with some degree of optimism that I convince myself that the jasmine is growing as well, though I do think that I see some new growth. It is getting watered very well anyway and not because I go out there with the watering can, but because it is raining again and the soil is soaked all the way through and draining very nicely through the hole in the bottom of the pot. I will be disappointed if it doesn't grow, because it was with some effort that I dug it out of the flowerbed out back, but I can easily walk to the nursery around the corner and buy a new plant and put it in instead if all else fails. It's just a matter of pride that it should grow and sprout very many green buds.

I am waiting to see new growth on my three alder berry trees. Nothing is happening there yet, they are as bare as three totem poles, but I know that before long they will sprout new branches and new leaves and have a big growth spurt, because they do this ever year. The first year I thought they had died, but now I know better.

And then there is that mysterious bush that grew up in the jasmine in the flowerbed. It is almost as tall as I am and I have no idea what it is, but for now I'm leaving it there and maybe this summer I'll figure out what it is by the shape of it's leaves. Maybe it isn't a bush but a tree, because it sure grew quickly.

I really appreciate these gifts of nature and am loath to take them out of the flowerbed. I assume the are meant to be there and that they are a present to me. I did have flowers in the flowerbed once, but I took them out when I realized that I didn't enjoy gardening anymore and that I didn't like the fussiness of taking care of plants. I did in another life, but now I like bushes and trees, so I am happy with what is growing out back.

The Golden Rain will be beautiful again this spring, as it always is. Before you know it, it is covered in yellow blossoms that are as magnificent as anything I've ever seen. There are two bushes of unknown origin growing beside it in that very narrow space. One has prickly thorns and is best avoided, but the other one is bright green and lush, though I've had to cut it back because it interfered with the washing on the clothes line.

I obviously need a book on all the native plants and trees that grow in Limburg. I am so ignorant of trees and bushes that grow here. I can only identify two or three trees and there's not a palm tree among them. That would have been easy. At least in California you had those and the shrubby oaks. And the endless rows of eucalyptus trees. Here you see many poplars planted along the highways as windbreakers and for you to have an accident with your car with. The elm trees really do get Dutch elm disease and have to be felled, which is a darn shame when there are many planted along a road.

It has stopped raining, but I'm waiting for my package and have to stay inside until noon and I hope it is not for naught. I'll check on the website in a little while and see to the state of affairs and make some phone calls.

I've been unable to walk the Überhund and so far he's being patient and has been out back once, but I don't know if that suffices. I think he really needs to be walked, but we can't go anywhere now. This is the first time that I am having a confusing situation with this mail order company. In the past everything has always gone spotless. It's very frustrating to have it run differently now.

Right, this was my treatise on bushes and trees. You will have guessed as much. I just felt like talking about that. I really care about my alder berry trees and, although they are growing in completely the wrong spot, I can't cut them down, so they will stay there forever.

Have a brilliant day, whatever the weather and don't let the rain get you down.


Friday, March 27, 2009

A barrel of fun.

The title is an out and out lie, because I didn't have a barrel of fun at all today. It was way to ordinary for that. No wait, it wasn't even an ordinary day. What am I saying? It was a screwed up sort of day, so I should have titled it, a barrel of screws.

I woke up way too late this morning. It was nearly ten o'clock when I got up. I couldn't believe my eyes. That meant I was going to miss creative therapy, because I need at least an hour and a half to get ready before I can leave the house in any sort of well put together way, because I don't only have to take care of myself, but of the animals as well and the Überhund does take his time with all of his rituals in the morning. As do I.

I decided not to rush around like an idiot and to skip creative therapy, even though that meant foregoing that fun work with the clay. Once I made that decision, though, I relaxed and drank many cups of coffee and woke up at my own speed while I checked my emails and wrote comments on blogs. It was a little bit like taking a mental health day from school, although I like my therapy classes much better than I ever liked going to school.

I was expecting a package from a mail order company and had to stick close to the apartment between noon and six, but after a while, when nobody showed up, I checked the website to see the state of affairs of my package and saw that it had not been sent yet. So I called the company and was told that it would maybe get here tomorrow morning. No guarantees, which is odd, because they have next day delivery and it has already been paid for. Frustrations abound.

Things like this throw me for a loop, because I could have gone to Specsavers and had my glasses done, but now I'll have to see if I can go tomorrow afternoon. I usually don't like it when things go differently than I had planned and I had already screwed them up myself by not going to creative therapy. That was purely my own fault, though. I should have set the alarm clock.

The Exfactor did come by early in the afternoon and stayed for about an hour and we had coffee and talked about the state of the economy and what the government was planning to do about it. Those bright lights! Don't get me started. I have my opinions and this is not the coalition government I voted for.

Anyway, then he left and I turned on the computer and amused myself with non consequential things, which is a good thing to do when you're trying to fill your discombobulated time. I don't want to have a day like this again soon, though. It was an absolute waste of time. If I had spent it laying in bed, it would have made the same difference. It goes to show you how important structure is. You're lost without it.

I've got to stop now, because I want to watch the news and do something else but sit here behind this darn computer all the time.

Have a good night, all of you.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

High Chapperal.

It's rained nonstop all afternoon. The Überhund and I finally just had to go out in it and not wait any longer, because he did have to go, so there we went, I not in proper rain gear and he huddling close to the houses in effort to try and stay dry. He piddled against everybody's walls. Nobody saw him do it. He did finally have to go out on the field and do a poop and he was quite miserable out there in the rain. We walked as quickly as we could in order to get home faster. He was as relieved as I was when we got to the front door. Now he is sound asleep on his blanket again, which is his normal state of being.

Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you, I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up, because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit, feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody, but that nap restored me completely, so that's all it took. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time for my 6 o'clock medication, otherwise I might still have been asleep.

Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself, for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn't see my way out off, which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles.

Of course, there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things. No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don't owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it. It's all very simple. I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better. No arguments, no explanations, no dramas, no aftermath, no discussions. And I don't feel crazy.

I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet. Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace. Unluckily, I have no such thing in the apartment, but you can buy electric ones that look like it, alas, I have no room for one. Instead, I have put on my pajamas and bathrobe and slippers and made myself cozy that way.

I see that I have to go to the store for some things that I am running out of. I am eating more mackerel and sardines than I anticipated and I have to buy more crackers. I buy the fish in olive oil and don't drain the tins before I eat the fish, figuring the oil is good for me and makes the fish less dry to eat. So I will have to get more of them.

I want to buy breakfast crackers called Cracottes which are long rectangular shaped airy crackers on which you can put any kind of sandwich topping. You eat them instead of bread, but they are easier for me to eat. I should have bought them right away instead of the rusk toast, which is too tempting to eat a lot of, because they go down so very easy and the dog likes them too, so we have rusk toast eating parties.

I went to the volunteer network on line and registered and then found what I thought was a challenging volunteer job, so I sent away for information on it. Soon I was contacted by the coordinators with the details and who to get in touch with, but when I got to that stage, I got stage fright and realized that I was not nearly ready for the amount of responsibility that the job required and I got every worried about it and saw myself failing before I had even started. I know I'm not ready for anything as big as this and it will get me into trouble, so I bowed out gracefully and will try for something very simple. I did take an aptitude test and it showed that I should do administrative work.

I am very worried about what I am going to do once my therapies end and I hope I can find something that suits me and that will not scare the living daylights out of me, like that training I started a year and a half ago and I started rapid cycling something awful. I went from one extreme mood to another in one day every day and it was scary and exhausting.

I am not at all suited for regular participation in this world. My stress threshold is very low and I react to it by becoming very chaotic and instable. I can't handle the demands that are put on me in what other people would consider normal situations. I may seem very calm and competent to people on the outside under good conditions, but when things get tough, I fall apart. It takes a lot of medicine to keep me up and going then. Until just recently, I took sleep medication during the day along with my tranquilizers to keep me calm and stress free.

That's why I get so upset when allusions are made to the therapies ending one day, because I know what hangs over my head. It's like the sword of Damocles ready to cleave me in half.

Well, on to happier thoughts. Tomorrow is creative therapy and I get to work on my third clay clay sculpture, which will be partly my own design. I'm quite excited about this and can't wait to get a proper start on it. The clay I'm using is very good and soft and malleable and goes every which way I push it. That wasn't the case with the clay for the second sculpture and I hope it bakes okay. I'd hate to see it shatter.

The Exfactor is coming over for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I will make sure I'm not exuberant and kiss him on his nose. God forbid! I'm afraid that with this kind of weather, I will not be able to meet my friend Von downtown, which is a shame. There is no way we can sit on a café terrace now for a cappuccino.

I am going to try and go downtown this weekend, though. I am so unhappy with my new glasses that I want the lenses of my new glasses put in my old original titanium frame. Those were the first glasses I had and I was the most happy with them, so that's what I've decided. Maybe then I'll wear them and be less vain about it.

Okay, it's time to put this baby to bed.

Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009


My sister called me this afternoon and asked me why I sounded all plugged up and I said that I was either getting a cold or it was my allergies, and she asked me if I had any antihistamines and I remembered that I did and she said for me to take them, because then I would know soon enough if I was dealing with allergies, so I did and after some time my headache got better and I was less congested, so it is allergies. Smart sister, right? Why didn't I think of that?

Luckily, these aren't the kind of antihistamines that make you drowsy, so I didn't feel the need to take a nap. All I had to do was wait for the weather to improve, so that I could walk the Überhund and run my errands. Every once in a while the rain stopped and I could go out.

First I had to go to the grocery store to buy those aubergine trash bags and a package of heavy tobacco, with which I made the cigarettes that I'm smoking now and they taste good and not at all chokingly suffocating like I thought they might. They are actually very pleasant to smoke. So I think I will be buying that tobacco from now on. You're all going, "Oh no, not only is she not going to quit, she is even going to smoke heavier cigarettes." Well, I am a connoisseur.

Then I had to wait for the next dry spell and go to the pharmacy to pick up some medication and that was done quickly enough by riding through some big puddles and trying to hit all the green lights, but that didn't work out, so I ran one red one. Luckily, there was no policeman around, because you get a 60 Euro ticket for that one, so it's advisable not to do it.

When I got home, I piled all the dirty dishes in the sink, squirted detergent on them and ran hot water in the sink until it was full and then went off to do something else. By the time I got back, the hot water had disappeared and the dishes are still sitting there waiting for me to do them. Tomorrow is another day.

I went around the kitchen and the living room and picked up big balls of dog hair, because the Überhund is shedding again like crazy. I moved furniture and got what was laying underneath them. It's a never ending battle and fills my vacuum cleaner bags in no time.

So far today I have eaten cream crackers and a tin of mackerel. I never did get around to making the soup and it's too late now. I may have some rusk toast in a while with jam. I have a little bit of jam left and I'm not buying a new jar, unless I can get sugar free jam, which will cost an arm and a leg, because those things always do.

I wrote another 6S's for the main site of 6S and completely made it up. I did not draw on any past experience, but the problem is that some of the people who leave comments think that I do, so I have to point out that it's purely fiction. A lot of 6S's are ego documents and I'm trying to get away from that.

Now I'm awfully tired and I'm going to get my pajamas on and get comfortable on the sofa. It's been a long day and I've been up since 7 AM. I feel the sleepiness creep into my body.

Have a good warm evening, very cozy and comfortable.


A Migraine???

Across the Meusse.

I'm supposed to have a migraine and that's why I am not at ergo therapy this morning. The truth is that I only have a little bit of a headache and I very easily could have gone, but I didn't feel like riding my bike through the cold and rain, which was bad enough when I had to take the dog for a walk this morning. So, I'm taking the morning off with an excuse.

It is truly miserable outside and I want to be here in my warm and cozy apartment in my warm clothes with the heater turned on. The rain is dripping down the windows and obscuring my view of the street. All the cats are very wisely inside and the Überhund is curled up on his blanket, although he hasn't had his breakfast yet. I'm waiting for him to let me know when he is hungry.

I very wisely did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, just after it hailed for a few minutes and before it started to rain again. I hope I have bought enough groceries to last me for most of the week, because my bike was truly loaded and I only half dared to ride it. I walked it part of the way, because I had a very heavy shopping bag hanging from my handlebar. I had visions of the handlebar becoming undone and the bike becoming unmanageable and me laying flat on my face in the street. Luckily, none of that happened and it would have been a sort of slapstick, but also dangerous.

I bought tins of mackerel and sardines and mussels in a piquant sauce and I had those last night and they were very good. For someone who is always very suspicious of mollusks, I did a good job eating those. I tried not to think about their origins too much.

I also bought a lot of soup and extra vermicelli and plan to make a one liter pan full every day. I did that yesterday and managed to get three large bowls of soup out of it. I bought cream crackers and rusk toast and healthy margarine too. Now I have to make sure I don't eat too much of these items, so I have to balance everything nicely. Today I'm going to have mushroom soup and cream crackers.

I wasted a lot of time behind the computer yesterday. I spent quite some time on Facebook picking out favorites of everything under the sun and publishing them. There was no stopping me once I got started. I even picked my favorite beers, although I very seldom drink a beer. It goes to my head too quickly and before you know it, I'm drunk. I'm a cheap date.

I spent a lot of time on the 6S main site reading other people's 6S's and commenting on them. I published a bunch of them myself this weekend and you can read them if you click on my 6S button. They're under My Blogs.

I forgot to buy the required trash bags and will have to go back to the store, where I will also buy a package of strong tobacco instead of the half mild that I buy now. I want to try and see what the strong tobacco tastes like and if I will like it better. That's why I'm only buying a package and not a pot. The aubergine trash bags I can only buy at the supermarket tobacco counter, so I will kill two birds with one stone. Maybe I will choke on the strong tobacco, but at least I will have found out. It will be like smoking Gaulloises, but with the filter.


Here's the last collage I made. It always bothers me that the texts are unreadable, but they are in Dutch anyway, so they wouldn't mean much to you, but still. Most of the images are from the pottery by the artist Ben Lisa. Some other images thrown in for effect. The background color is yellow and burnt sienna. I thought that gave a nice effect.

Here is a photograph of the way I look today. My right eye is a little bit swollen, I woke up with it. I don't know why. It must be the effect of old age. Still, not bad for an old lady, huh? I took ten shots to get this decent one. I always look so ridiculous on photographs and I never want someone else to take my picture, because I look like a nomad from Mongolia in them. All I need is a yurt in the background and some wild mini horses and yaks, lots of them.

Well, that's enough lingering here for me. I must do some work. I think I'm actually having problems with my sinuses and maybe I'm getting a cold, or it's just plain allergies. My eczema is really acting up too. Time to get out the cream and the lotion.

Have yourself a good day. Hope you don't get rained on and blown away by the weather too much.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hurray, oh hurray!

It's Tuesday, so it must be apartment cleaning day. Let me think about that and see how much of it I actually want to do. Is the Queen coming over for a cup of tea? Nope! Well that makes everything a lot easier. That means I only have to do superficial cleaning, or cleaning the French way, as we call it here.

See, my French ancestor's genes do show up in me at times like these when I need them. Jacques La Maitre was his name. Of course, he was a man and what did he know about house cleaning anyway?

My great great grandmother was called Hendrika La Maitre and that's when the name ended in my branch of the family. I never knew her, though I did know her daughter, my great grandmother, very well.

She wore black dresses with a little floral print and little round glasses and her gray hair in a bun. She loved to eat candy and always had a secret stash, which we would try to discover every time we were at her house and beg for. She died when I was seven years old, but I remember her so well, it is as if I knew her my whole life. That's how much of an impression she made on me.

My great grandfather had a head full of white hair and sat in a chair next to his aquarium and his spittoon. He had goldfish in his aquarium and real plants and he used to go to the countryside and catch real waterbugs to feed to his fish. He didn't say much and I never knew him very well, but he was a kind man and wouldn't have hurt a fly. He was a baker and kept the whole street alive during the winter of '44-'45, by baking bread that was made from supplies stolen from the Germans. It's a long heroic story that I'll tell you some other time.

Anyway, it all started with cleaning the apartment, which I do have to do some of, apart from the grocery shopping, and I'm almost getting used to drinking black coffee. The emphasis is on almost, because I know I will be very happy when I have milk in the refrigerator again.

I am getting used to not eating porridge, because I ran out of that 2 days ago and I missed it very much at first, but now I think I'm so much better of not eating it. I was getting an overdose of sugar as a result, because I like my porridge very sweet. For someone who had Type II Diabetes, this is a bad idea, of course. I must remember to check my glucose levels today.

Amazingly enough, the Überhund, who has had his breakfast, is not nudging me to go outside yet. I know he will soon and it isn't raining yet, so I will have to take the opportunity when I can and also do the grocery shopping. I haven't made a list yet, but I've got one in my head and will have written it down in a minute, after I check the master list on the board in the kitchen.

So, you're just getting a very short post from me this morning, but it will have to do. I will write a longer one the next time and bore you with all the minute details of my interesting life.

Have a terrific day. Pray for no rain!


Monday, March 23, 2009

Whistling Monday.

I still haven't made it to the grocery store. I was supposed to have gone this afternoon, but the weather has changed suddenly and now it is cold and rainy and I don't feel like going out on my bike. The only sacrifice I have to make is that I have to drink my coffee black and I think I can manage that until tomorrow morning when hopefully the weather will have cleared up a bit.

For as beautiful as it has been the last few days, it has certainly turned ugly now. You'd think it wasn't springtime after all and that we are going backwards toward winter again, but that is March for you. It's an unpredictable month, but even April is still, so we aren't out of the woods yet.

I woke up a 7 AM this morning, without the aid of the alarm clock, but I took a full hour to sit and wake up. I just felt like taking my time and having several coffees very leisurely without any rush at all. This meant I was going to be potentially late for creative therapy, but I thought I would take the chance.

At 8 AM I took my medicines, got dressed and made up, walked the dog, made some cigarettes and hopped on my bike and got to therapy two minutes late, so that wasn't bad at all.

I immediately started to work on my abstract sculpture, which was just about done, except for the finishing touches. I had to add some clay here and there and get the whole thing smoothed out and stable, which the therapist helped me with. She's got a better eye for those things than I do and can point out imperfections that I didn't see. At one point it was just finished and I didn't know what else I could do with it, so I declared it done and now it sits on the shelf to dry before it goes into the oven.

It's not perfect, but it's good and I have to be satisfied with it. I got it as close to the image that I had of it as I could, although it is not exactly the same, but that doesn't matter. I had to improvise the back of it, after all.

Then I got a new bag of clay and started on a new sculpture, which I have an image for also, but I think I am going to make a lot of changes in it, so it will be more originally mine. I'll be using the image as a guideline, but then add and change things.

I'm so totally hooked on working with clay now, that I don't want to do anything else. It is like everything in the world stops existing when I work with it and I stop noticing all the things around me. I practically have to be pulled away from the work bench when it is time to quit and I could stay there all day long. Maybe an artist was lost in me.

So I'm thinking, what am I going to do when I have to do this on my own and I know there is self drying clay that my mother used to make doll's heads with, so I will try that and see what I can make with it. The sculptures aren't glazed, but painted with black and bronze paint, which gives them the appearance of bronze statues and I could certainly do that too.

All the more reason to get that work room in order, don't you think? It will be so nice to be to the point that I have supplies and a table and chair and a good lamp. It all depends on how much extra money I get in May. A lot of things depend on that.

The Überhund has had his Frolic and is now sound asleep on his blanket. He sees me sitting here behind the computer and thinks, "Oh well, I guess we're not going anywhere for a right now." I don't think we are, because it's raining still. He'll have to be patient for a little while longer. He doesn't enjoy walking in the rain anyway and neither do I.

I just took him to the back door and showed him the weather. It was raining and there was a hard wind blowing and he refused to go outside. Smart dog!

I was so hungry that I just ate a tin of mackerel and now I won't be able to drink anything for about 30 to 40 minutes until most of the mackerel is past my gastric band. I am burping something awful and making all sorts of unbecoming noises. I think my little stomach is having a hard time with it. I made the mistake the last time of drinking coffee immediately afterwards and that had a bad outcome, so I'm not doing that again. I'll wait a good long time and until I'm done burping.

Well, that's about it for me for today. As you can see, it wasn't an overly exciting day, but that's okay too.

Have a good night and I hope you are having better weather than we are.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

I never did.

Well, I ended up not going to the store. I just wasn't in the proper mood for it and felt like doing other things, so I looked at my supply of milk and decided that I would have to make it last for the weekend. Instead, I washed the covers of the cushions of the sofa and they came out nice and clean and I've already put them back on the sofa too. It was fairly easy to do and not at all the pain in the neck that I thought it would be, so now I am going to do it more often. There's nothing like stainless cushion covers on your sofa.

I had washed the covers on the red and white striped chair already and next are the covers on the black and white chair. That will be next weekend, or maybe tomorrow, I'll see. I've done odd little jobs around the apartment this afternoon and I took a nap also. This was after I discovered that a small tin of mackerel is too much to eat for me, so I can strike that off my grocery list.

In order to recover properly from the after effects of the overdose of mackerel, I had a glass of cold chocolate milk to make me feel better. I do like that very much and I think that despite the diet, this is one item that I will keep buying. It is such a treat and I do make it last long. I usually have a glass before I go to sleep at night, but sometimes don't get around to drinking it, so it still is there in the morning when I wake up, and I drink it all up then and it is such a treat to start the day with. How very decadent of me!

I took all of the plants out of their pots and gave them a good soaking in the kitchen sink. They perked up before my very eyes. One plant I bought was not doing very well. It was loosing all of its leaves every time I touched it, yet growing new leaves where it was loosing the old ones. I have moved it now to the kitchen windowsill and hope that more light will encourage it to do better. Maybe its the kind of plant that ought to come with an instruction booklet and not the kind I should own. I'll see how it does in its new spot among the jars of vitamins.

I just took the Überhund for a walk and you wouldn't believe how nice it was outside. I could have done with just a sweater. The sun has been shining all day and there was no wind and it really did feel like the first day of spring. Kids were playing outside again and that's always a joy to behold. Boys with their footballs and girls on their roller skates. There's lots of room for them to play, as it is a child friendly neighborhood.

It makes me think of when my own kids were that age and the fun they had playing with the kids in our street and how safe they were there. All the kids in the neighborhood went to the same school and they all played together and all of us moms knew one another. We all had each other's phone number. I think we were very privileged living in the neighborhood that we did, because everybody had a large front yard and there was a playground at the end of the street. You always knew where your kids were and if you didn't, you could track them down easily.

Hey, I mustn't get caught up in memories of the past! That chapter is closed and behind me now. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's no good looking back longingly at some things that were and forget the rest, although I do have to say that with my children, these were happy years.

When I was 37 years old, I had a complete burn out and I ran away from home. I took my clothes and my books and left. I left behind a marriage that I should never have gotten into and two teenagers. I didn't have it in me anymore to take care of anything or anybody. I felt as though I liberated myself out of a prison cell. That's how oppressive my life felt to me. I never went back. If you want to know if this was easy, I can only tell you that I was consumed with guilt for an enormously long time afterwards, but I still could not go back. I liberated myself at a terrible price. Not only to me, but to other people as well, but I could never go back.

I don't recommend this course of action to anybody. It was an act of desperation on my part. The only way I knew to get myself free. It was very hard. Your children will suffer and so will you.

You see, now I've gone back into that past anyway and revealed some of it to you. The less appealing part of it. Some parts of your life are forever damaging to your mind. This was one of them.

On to other things more happy. Now I live this life and it is becoming to me. After all that, it turns out that living by myself is the happiest scenario. It turns out that I'm a self sufficient woman who likes her own company. After all that, I know this. It sure took a lot to find this out, but better late than never, right? There's a book called 'A Cabin of my Own' and I read it a long time ago and it had an appeal to me then, but I think I wasn't ready to understand it then, so I should read it again and see how I perceive it now. I will look it up at Bol.com.

I think I was prepared as a child to be married and have children without questioning if that was truely my fate and if it was the right one for me. I think that I was an overanxious mother and that I worried so much about everything that I worried myself into a state of irreversible anxiety. The load became to large to carry. I was too conscious of what I could and did do wrong, giving myself a failing grade at the end. I don't think that motherhood came that naturally to me. It made me overwrought. It hurt me too much.

It's good to have animals. I know what to do with animals. I know how to feed them and pet them and take them out for walks and be kind to them and patient. I don't know how to raise a human being and do a good job. I'm not smart enough for that and I know the pitfalls too well and I don't think that everybody should just go ahead and procreate. We shouldn't take it as a given.

Okay, that's enough self analysis. In the meantime, it has really become evening and it is dark outside. That means I can close the blinds and put on my pajamas and sit on my very clean sofa. I will make myself some Cup a Soup and watch the news.

Have a good evening all of you. Don't get bogged down in your own minds.


As usual.

Being my usual lazy self on Saturday mornings, I still sit here in my bathrobe with my coffee and cigarettes and the Überhund at my feet. He has eaten and been out back, but he has not had his walk yet. I am postponing the inevitable as long as possible, because I do like my Saturday mornings. There is no better way to spend the morning than like this, so hopelessly ineffectual and irresponsible.

I had myself an excellent sleep and woke up at a decent enough hour. The sleep medication helps and lately I have been sleeping well and feeling very rested when I wake up, providing I don't try to do it too early. I do get up in the middle of the night and in the early morning to go to the toilet and I should not get it in my head then to stay up, because it would be a bad idea, as I would be a very grumpy person thinking her time to wake up was there and not being able to figure out why I wasn't feeling good. Stubborn as an ass, it wouldn't necessarily dawn on me that I needed to sleep some more.

The cat food experiment is going well, in that it is becoming clear that they prefer the more expensive one better. Well, they would, wouldn't they? They are persnickety cats and only want the best and I have raised them well and allowed them to have discriminating tastes. They eat the less expensive cat food too, so maybe I can find one that is priced somewhere in between. Some more experimenting needs to be done.

I have found out that the Überhund can do with less food and still be satisfied, in other words, he isn't looking for junk to eat off the streets. That was such a disgusting habit. I won't tell you what he all ate. The Butcher's and the Frolic are going down well and I only offer him a certain amount. He can do with it as he wishes and if he doesn't eat, it's his choice. If he eats it all, he doesn't get more. The cats are always more than happy to eat any leftover Butcher's.

Yesterday I discovered an area in the basement of a department store where they sell art supplies and frames and pas par touts. They have big frames there for my collages at a very reasonable price. I will be going back there when I have the money to buy four frames for my best collages and hang them up in the apartment. That will be after I paint the walls.

I want to paint the walls a sand color. They are white now, but really discolored from me smoking, so I think I will not want them white again. They would need painting again after a few years. The sand color would hide the smoke stains and look good with the furniture. I have to go to the hardware store and price the paint, as I have no idea how expensive it is. I may have to postpone all of this two months when I come into some money, but the plans are there anyway.

I think it's lovely that it's Saturday, but I do have to go to the grocery store today to pick up a few items. I think I will be buying a lot of soup, as this will become my meal several times of the day. I am not going to be eating porridge anymore, it's too fattening and I do need to loose some weight. The battery in the bathroom scales is dead, so I can't even weigh myself. I have to remember to buy a new one and not be shocked when I do weigh myself.


I just spent nearly an hour on the phone with my older sister, so now the morning is nearly spent. I have to get the show on the road and walk the Überhund, who is incredibly patient so far. I enjoy talking to my sister and we find it difficult to hang up. We always have just one more thing to tell each other.

Okay people, time to go. Have a wonderful day, the sun is shining here again.


Friday, March 20, 2009


I started to write a post yesterday and got about halfway done and then I decided that I wasn't cheerful enough and that this was reflected in my writing and that the whole thing was just too ponderous and serious, which I did not like at all, so I deleted it and shut off the computer and watched the 8 o'clock news instead.

While I was writing that post, I was still influenced by the 6 o'clock news and I was feeling righteously indignant, which happens to me a lot when I watch the news and I am in a vulnerable mood. The true socialist in me awakens and sees all the injustice that's committed in the world and I want to rise up against it and climb the barricades.

But never mind that now, let me not get into that frame of mind again, because today I've had a perfectly lovely day and I want to end it in the same way as it started, namely very quietly and serenely without the least amount of stress and irritation.

I seem to have been cushioned today from the general stress of life and it was very pleasant. It started of well at creative therapy, where I started a new abstract sculpture and I am enjoying the process so much, that I forget everything around me and only think about each individual movement that I make with each tool and see how the shape changes when I add or subtract the clay. I am in another world and now I wish I had gone to art school, because I think I might have enjoyed it very much.

I see now that I like making abstract objects and the shapes you make when recreating it. It all makes sense in a convoluted way. I wish to be good enough to create something of my own, but I think I need to copy some more works first and get the hang of it. You have to try and understand why the shapes are where they are, and how they move into other slopes and curves and circles. There has to me a method to it that makes sense somehow and create harmony without creating the obvious.

Right now I like working with clay better than I like making collages, but maybe it's a passing phase, or maybe I will like both equally well again after a while. Clay is so malleable and three dimensional and you can push and pull it around to get it into the right shape and cut it and scrape it and then add to it and build it up again endlessly. You can obliterate your mistakes.

So, you see, I spent a very nice morning getting clay dust all over myself and I didn't want the morning to end, but alas, it had to and I had to go home and walk the Überhund and pay some bills and have a cup of coffee and make some cigarettes. Then I got on my bicycle with the very well pumped tires and rode it downtown to the Our Dear Lady Square and found a table in the sunshine and waited for my friend Von while I had a cappuccino.

These Friday afternoons downtown are starting to become a habit. We talk up a storm while she drinks tea and I drink my cappuccinos and enjoy the sunshine. No subject is taboo and we are getting to know each other very well. Then we walk around downtown and dive into shops and look at all the things we want to buy but end up not buying, because it would cost us a fortune. We spritz expensive perfume on in the warehouse and pretend we're rich. She's a great broad, I enjoy her company very much.

Needless to say, when I got home, the Überhund was very happy, because he had been alone most of the day. He needed lost of petting and a treat. The cats were asleep in various places in the apartment and didn't give a hoot. They act like they don't care and don't let you know that they are indignant that you've been gone, but in the meantime they miss you, they just don't let on.

Von is a good motivator to get me to eat healthier, because she eats very healthy herself and we do discuss food and fitting into your clothes. So she's good for me to hang around with. I'll start paying better attention to what I eat just from our discussions and shop smarter when I go to the supermarket. I have a tendency to buy 'make me feel good' food and that has to stop. I also eat too much sugar, like in my porridge for instance. No wonder I'm gaining weight.

Oh yes. I bought a frame for the print that I got from Tessa and it now stands on the bookcase looking very nice. I also bought a birthday card for my grandson, whose birthday is coming up in April. I do have to send that on time. There's a mini envelope inside for something extra. I thought that was perfect.

It's been a thoroughly good day and it's been awhile since I've had one as nice as this. It must be the things I do and the company I'm keeping. I'm sure it is.

Now I have to go and read your blogs, so as not to get completely behind. Tomorrow is Saturday and oh, I've decided to paint my livingroom walls, but I may need some help with them. I'll talk to the Exfactor.

Have a super evening. Talk to you soon.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Wednesday evening.

Well, here I am again. As faithful as the sunset every day. I rarely let a day go by without posting, do I? It's an ingrained habit that is hard to shed and I wouldn't very quickly give it up, unless I felt pretty bad, and I don't now. There are moments in the day that I do, but they are moments and not long periods. Little mini funks.

I hardly slept last night. After initially falling asleep on the sofa, I woke up again around midnight and stayed up until 4 AM, not realizing that I had forgotten to take my medicines until much later than usual. That was part of the problem. I was also a little bit wound up about the coming day, because I was going to ergo therapy and I had something to share there.

The alarm clock woke me up at 7 AM with much reluctance on my part, because I was trying very hard to ignore it, but it just kept on beeping and it wouldn't stop. I took my sweet old time to drink my coffee and have my cigarettes, about 45 minutes and then I had to rush to get ready. I did everything in a hurry, as far as that was possible, but I can't rush the dog when I take him out. He doesn't do his business on command, so I have to be patient.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, my very old neighbors asked me to set their digital thermostat for them, because they still have not figured out how it works and various family members come and mess around with it. This time it was turned down to 10 degrees Celsius. What are these people thinking? I showed them how it works and hope they understand it now, but I don't think so.

I got to ergo therapy on time to have a cup of espresso in the smoking room and be early morning moody with everybody else. Some days are just like that and I am not much of a talker anyway, so that doesn't stimulate things either. I should have a good joke to tell.

At ergo therapy I immediately took the opportunity to say how much it bothered me to be told that my time was going to be up without being told when and that it spoiled all my pleasure of coming there and that I would rather know a date than be left dangling in the unknown like this. The therapist tried to play the ball back into my court by asking me why that made me so insecure, but I insisted on not being told anymore that my time was running out without being told a date, because otherwise I was just going to quit.

I told her, that the next time we have an evaluation in May, with my SPN, we could discuss it and then pick an ending date if we all decided that my time was up and that was all I wanted to hear about it. Luckily, I got support from the group, none of whom wanted to be told that their time was running out.

I think I have made myself clear enough now and I realize that I am the victim of the government's cutbacks who want all people in short term treatments that are supposed to last 6 months and then whatever ails them is supposed to be cured, whether or not that is true. It's a new policy, whereas before people could take all the time they needed. Two years if they wanted to. Now, out you go into the real world, ready or not, and you can't come back until another six months have gone by, should you need to, and go on a waiting list first.

This present government is one of the worst we've had when it comes to taking the care out of care and privatizing medical institutions, amongst other things. And we're finding out that there is a lot of mismanagement and that top salaries and big bonuses are paid to people who fail at their jobs as caretakers and managers. It's a big scandal and we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'm all for turning things around the way they were and as quickly as possible. Well, I don't have to tell you that. Some things don't belong in the free market. Hey, I'm a Western European socialist.

Anyway, this socialist went shopping at the yuppie supermarket this afternoon, but I shop there because it is close to my house and they have the largest variety of products. I do want choice when I shop and if I have to pay 5 cents more, I don't really care. I can't get the dog and cat food I want at the other supermarket, nor can I find the milk that I want. There are cheap supermarkets where you can shop, but I am not going to nickel and dime everything to death and ride my bike all over the place. My shopping list is too simple for that.

I have the Überhund's diet all figured out now. He gets Butcher's in the morning, which is all natural meat and in the evening he gets a small bowl of little chunks of Frolic. He likes eating them, because he enjoys chewing them. He sort of slurps them up like an elephant would slurp up a dish of water. He vacuums them out of his dish and likes them.

He is so funny when he starts to eat, because he stares at the dish and then at me and then at the dish again, as if he tries to figure out if I'm playing a joke on him. He starts to eat very nonchalantly, as if he really doesn't care, but soon his taste buds open wide and all the food disappears. It makes me very happy to see him enjoy his food. It means I bought the right stuff. Now I just need to see some weight loss.

I don't think his eye is ever going to be okay again. I am applying the ointment and it isn't getting worse, but I see no real improvement. I lifted his eye lid and had a real good look tonight and it is still red and swollen. It's like we say here, mopping the floors with the faucet turned on.

Well now, I suppose that's it for me for tonight. I am going to get comfortable and lazy and watch TV.

Have a good evening everyone. I feel sleep overtaking me.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Contrary to my best intentions, it is the middle of the day and I have the computer on and am active on it. So, why is that?

Well, I felt like being stubborn and going my own way today and do things just a little bit different. I have cleaned up the apartment a bit and if you run fast, you don't notice what needs to be done yet. For all appearances it looks good enough, if you run fast. You can also roller skate through. Or drive by in a fast car and have a quick peek through the windows.

Frankly, my dear...let's just pretend that today doesn't have to be a very productive day and that it is mental health day. To celebrate this day, I have arranged my books on the bookcase by color. It came over me as I sat by the dining table and suddenly I got up and started putting all the red books together. Once I had that done, the rest was easy. The blue ones followed and then the greens and so on. The black books outnumber all of them.

Some of them were still arranged by color from an earlier attempt, so it was pretty easy. I should have dusted right away, but I was too impatient for it and will have to go back and do it when spring fever hits. Maybe this was a heralding of it. Get ready, it is about to start.

I saw my SPN this morning and shared my feelings about the therapies with her, but then fell into such a funk, that I didn't really know how to communicate any further and it was kind of a futile discussion, because I was not cooperative. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I just slammed shut and didn't know what to say anymore.

I did say, that if the situation continued as it was, I would quit the therapies and make my own way in life. She thought that was just my emotions speaking and that I would regret that later.

If anybody dares to say to me again that it is going to end soon, I'm going to challenge them and tell them to name me a date so that I can prepare myself properly. I'm not going to hang in limbo for the rest of the time that I'm there.

I have tried to call my main therapist there, but she was out for the day, so I left a message with the head of the department to call me back. I am going to get down to the basics with this and get this sorted out.

So, here I have been sitting getting myself out of my funk back to normal again. Slowly but surely I am. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well looking up at a little bit of blue sky. I knew I would get there, I just didn't know how long it would take me. A funk is not like having the blues, it doesn't last as long. I have a funk every time I go to my therapies now. I get over it when I get home.

I've put the Überhund on a diet. I think he was eating very healthy, but I also think he was still getting too much food, so I've cut that back quite a bit and he's not complaining yet, which makes me think he is getting enough. He needs to loose a few kilos and always has. Maybe we can achieve that now. I'm still putting ointment in his eye and it looks better, but it isn't cleared up yet. The ointment is very expensive, so I hope I don't have to keep buying it.

Toby's allergies are back. He is sneezing again and has runny eyes. He didn't have that all winter, but it just started again. He's not suffering, so I'm not going to worry about it and have another expensive vet bill. I clean his eyes every day and say, "Bless you," when he sneezes. That's about all I can do. I'm keeping an eye on his eyes to make sure they don't become infected, because I sure as heck don't want that to happen. Imagine two animals with eye infections.

Gandhi and Nouri are fine. They hang out on the dining table and watch the world go by through the windows there. We still get people who walk by and say, "Oh, look at the cats!" And then Nouri becomes scared of all the faces at the window and takes off, while Gandhi just sits there. Nouri is a little paranoid and gets scared of leaves falling off trees, or me walking through the apartment too quickly.

The sun is shining and it is 11 degrees Celsius outside. That is 52 degrees Fahrenheit. Not bad for a day in March. The fact that the sun is shining makes up for a lot. I saw the first dandelions in the field today. And some unknown little bush had pink blossoms on it. Some of the shrubbery has little buds of green, but you have to look very carefully. It's going to be so exciting when the trees show their first green buds. It's not going to be long now before that happens. Every day we are getting a little bit closer. All you have to do is watch the changes happen very closely.

Living with the seasons makes you appreciate the springtime so very much. There is very little about the winter that I like and I just sort of endure it and wait for the spring to come. But when it comes, it comes in a hurry and you really have to pay attention, because before you know it, everything is lush and green around you and you really ought to savor every moment. That's why I'm going for an extra walk with the dog right now. To see what is happening in everybody's gardens.

Have a good day, everybody.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Monday evening.

Well, if I plan this right, I can write a post before I go to bed and read some blogs too. That is if I don't dilly dally and spend too much time thinking about what I'm going to tell you all, and not get frustrated about the stupid keyboard keys that get stuck and make me all mixed up about whether or not I have punched down a key well enough or not, so that I have to go back and add or subtract letters.

There, that was a little rant about the keyboard, but really, it is so frustrating and I don't have the money right now to buy a new one yet. I have to wait just a bit. It is said that you learn to live with the little inconveniences in life, but I don't believe a bit of it. I am all for eliminating them as quickly as possible. It will be a great day when I toss this keyboard in the trash.

Today was creative therapy and I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don't enjoy going there as much anymore since I'm being told left and right that it's all going to end one of these days. My heart isn't in it anymore and I am not making the commitment like I was before. In a way I am already saying goodbye. I am being told the same thing at ergo therapy and I feel the same way there, so there is a kind of withdrawal on my part, as if I am not putting in 100% anymore.

I finished my clay sculpture today and it turned out okay for the beginner that I am. It has to dry now before it can go into the oven and I will start another one on Friday. This next one is going to be harder than the first one, so I've got my work cut out for me.

When I got home all I felt like doing was having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, so I did and I fed the dog who hadn't eaten it the morning for lack of interest, but he wolfed down his food this time. I took him for a walk and it was nearly pleasant outside, overcast, but not very cold with just a bit of a chilly wind. It wants to be spring, but it is very hesitant.

Then the Exfactor came over to pick up a package that had been delivered here for him and we had some coffee together. He had spent the weekend with the Paramount and it only bothered me slightly, as I pretend that she is not an entity in his life and I prefer not talking about her, though sometimes we must. I find the whole thing emotionally draining and prefer not to really be confronted with it.

I feel the same way about the therapies. Don't keep telling me it's going to end one day. Give me a date and then I know what to expect. It's rather senseless to keep me in suspense this way. I find that emotionally draining too.

I am most happy when I am home doing my own things and living my own life and handling my own schedule. When I'm not dependent on the decisions of other people, or their whims or fancies. That's when I am in the best mood. I get very down hearted when I know that my fate depends on the decisions of other people. I'd rather have a shoot out at the O.K. corral. I loose touch with my happiness on those other days and it's hard to get a smile out of me. I'm just an unhappy human being.

Tomorrow I will be alright again, because it is my day to do with as I please. I'll be my own mistress and make up my own mind about things. I'll vacuum and dust and do the laundry and sit and ponder things and feel generally good.

I have an appointment with my SPN in the morning. I'll be able to unload there a bit, Get my frustrations out.

Right, that was it for me for today. Time to go get comfortable in my pajamas. I do so like that moment of the day.

Hope you all had a nice day. Don't let the b******s get you down.


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sunday again.

It is still early in the morning and I have been up for a while, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. Well, what else would you expect me to do, right? I'm such an old addict who can't give up her vices. Those are the two worst things I do and I seem to thrive despite of them and take a licking and keep on ticking. I don't remember for which brand watch that commercial was. It wasn't for Rolex, I know that.

My watch is from Elle and that is supposed to be a little bit of a big deal, though I don't know why. I bought it because it looked nice and I could afford it. Remember when everybody was wearing Swatch watches? I think I even wore one myself for a while.

That's when I was still caught up in the middle class trappings and thought we had to do like everybody else did. I like to pretend I'm a member of the X class now, but I really don't know if that is true. I think I'm still hopelessly middle class, but very hard trying not to be, though.

I was so middle class that I drove a Jeep Cherokee 4x4. I had two children and a dog and groceries to haul around. That was my excuse. I never went off road with it, though I did drive it in the mountains and we went on vacations with it. It was red with a beige interior. I loved that car and it was tough when I had to give it up. It was my status symbol.

Status played a big role in my life in my first marriage. It was all about the house and the cars and the furniture and the right schools, etc. Exhausting stuff, always keeping up appearances. It was as important to me as it was to my then husband. I was as trapped in it as he was.

It was an enormous relief to step out of it and come down to earth eventually. I did that when I came to the Netherlands and had to start again from scratch. When all you have are some of your clothes and your books, it isn't hard to be humble.

Well, anyway, at least I don't feel the need to wear a Rolex. I'm not that far gone. Or a Louis Vuitton handbag. Or Coco Chanel ensembles. Which I'm sure I could never afford. Not even second hand, if I wished to dress like that. I am sure I would look ridiculous in them.

Oh, before I forget. Something very important! I got a signed limited edition giclee print from this painting by the wonderful and generous artist Tessa Edwards, whose work you can go admire when you click on her name.
The painting is called 'Ethiopia' and I think it is absolutely smashing. All of Tessa's work is this colorful, but you really must go and have a look for yourself. She also takes wonderful photographs of her surroundings and environment. Thank you, Tessa, for this print. It is getting a place of honor in my apartment.

Which just goes to show you how unselfish people are and how willing to share an object of beauty with you.

Oh, now I have to feed the animals and walk the dog. He is being very impatient right here beside me. I think he can't wait any longer, so I must be off.

Have a terrific Sunday.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Another Saturday.

Here we go! Another Saturday. So soon again after we just had one. Tiny little weeks and then the weekends to relax in and become one again with myself. That is, after I've done the grocery shopping. Mustn't forget that!

I just walked the Überhund around the field again and it took twice as long as it should have, or maybe three times as long, because he had to sniff every blade of grass to tell who had been by there. It was all very interesting to him and a few times he suddenly pulled me right off my feet when a scent hit him from a distance. I don't try to pull him along. I figure it is his outing and he ought to enjoy it.

Then we went the long way home and walked backwards to how we usually go and even that was interesting to him, as if we were approaching things from a whole new perspective. I guess we were from his point of view. I do like to see him enjoy himself, it's so easy. All it requires is some bushes and lumps of grass and lamp posts.

The weather is beautiful outside. It is warm and the sun is shining, although rain is expected later on today, so I mustn't postpone my grocery shopping. I had my jacket open and no scarf. Wonderful!

I didn't fall asleep until 3 AM. I was too wound up from the busy day. I do have the tendency to get over excited and it reminds me that there is a reason why I lead a sedentary life. The boat gets rocked so easily. Luckily, I was able to sleep late this morning, so I do feel caught up. I have a feeling, though, that there will be a nap in my day later on. Maybe when I read my book.

'Eat, pray, love.' That's what I'm reading and I'm almost done with it. Fabulous book, I recommend it highly. I've got two new books waiting for me, so there will be no chance of boredom in my life for a while. I will tell you about them as I read them.

I have made a wish list of books that cost around 10 Euros or less at Bol.com and they are all in English. I have over fifty books on the list, so I will be busy for a while. As soon as I run out of books to read, I will be besieging you for titles of books and good authors.

Well, now I must make my grocery list and clean up the kitchen. I have dishes to do and a floor to mop. Oh, hurray! I'm just thrilled about that.

Have a good Saturday. Hope your weather is nice.


Friday, March 13, 2009

On the Ranch.

It's been a long day out on the ranch. I've been out in the saddle all day and have hardly been home and now I am enjoying myself with some well deserved computer time.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and couldn't figure out why I was not in a good mood, it seemed something was off. I finally decided that the problem was that I needed to sleep some more, so I went back to bed until 7 o'clock when the alarm clock woke me very merrily. Darn thing wouldn't stop beeping until I got up out of bed and made it stop. I purposely don't have it sitting beside my bed, but across the room, so I have to get up to shut it off. There would be too much temptation to roll over and go back to sleep and it doesn't have a snooze button.

This time I was in a good mood and made myself a mug of Senseo and drank that very gratefully while I smoked my cigarette. Then it was time to begin the ritual of getting the day started, which means feeding the animals first. The cats are always more than ready and await me in the kitchen walking around restlessly until the food appears.

The Überhund pretends not to care if it is feeding time and only fakes a little bit of interest when I fill his dish and pretends not to give a hoot at all when I put it down on the ground. I have to talk him into eating his food, but once he gets started, it's gone pretty quickly, providing I don't go anywhere, because he will stop eating and follow me wherever I go. So I sit right by him until he's done eating.

Then the two of us go to the bathroom to get me ready and he waits patiently by the open door while I do my thing there. He sneezes from the hairspray and the perfume and then we are ready for our walk. I get baggies from the kitchen and he dances around me, all excited because he gets to go out.

When we get back, I have another coffee and make cigarettes for that morning and then hop on my bicycle to go to therapy, which was creative therapy this morning.

For a change I didn't make a collage, but started making a clay figure from a picture out of a book of sculptures and it is harder than I thought it was going to be, but I'm managing somehow. I started off with a big block of clay and had to remove a lot to get the shape out and I found that the most difficult. Then I had to add clay to put some of the shape back into it, which I found easier. I don't think a great sculptor is lost in me. I will do my darn best to finish it and maybe make another one, but that will be it. Unless somewhere along the way I get a taste for it and become hooked on it and want to do more.

During the coffee break, I sat out on the deck with an espresso without my jacket on. The sun was shining and I sat out of the wind and it was doable. We had our first warmish day today and it was great. The temperature got up to 13 degrees Celsius, which is 55 degrees Fahrenheit, which is warm for us right now. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 16 degrees which is almost 61 degrees Fahrenheit and that is real spring weather.

When I got home, the Überhund was beside himself to see me. He acted as if I had been gone on a Polar expedition. I drank some coffee and took him for a walk and then rode my bike over to my sister's house, because she has a real old fashioned bicycle pump and my tires were flat and needed some air badly. My sister pumped them up for me and after that, I flew across the streets when I rode my bike downtown. It's very hard to pedal your bike when you tires are very low on air.

I met my friend Von at Café Monopole and we sat on the terrace for a long time, I drinking cappuccinos and she drinking tea. She had brought her dog with her, who is a greyhound and a very beautiful dog who matches her exactly. Afterwards, we walked around town and bought French fries with mayonnaise in a big pointy bag and they were delicious. We bought them at the best place where there is always a line of people, because the French fries there are famous. We sat on a bench on the big square in the meager sunlight and pretended not to get cold as the afternoon grew later, but then it really was time to go home.

When I got home, I got another enthusiastic greeting from the Überhund and I spoke a good deal of endearments to him in Northern dialect, which I pretend he understands, even though he is a local dog. I fed him and the cats and took him for a walk around the field, where we had not been for awhile, so it was like new territory to him and he enjoyed it very much, so we'll do that again tomorrow.

I had collected many football cards for my nephew that the local supermarket gave away with every 20 Euros worth of shopping, so I dropped those off and I hope there were cards in there that he is missing from his collection. It was quite a rage with kids standing at the exit of the store begging for the cards when you walked out with your groceries. There were some cards that were hard to come by. The things they do to get the moms in to shop there.

I am very tired now from my day out and all the impressions I took in. I know I am going to sleep well tonight. I'm cold and hungry and I've turned up the heater and I'm going to make myself something nice to eat. Soothing warm food. Turn on the TV too.

Have a good evening, sleep well yourself.