An encore...

I took two 2 hour naps today, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I just woke up from the one in the afternoon, so I guess it was really one in the early evening. After the one in the morning, I wasn't sufficiently done sleeping to really start the day right. I had claimed here that I was so clear and levelheaded in the morning when I first got up, but after I walked Tyke, I realized how tired I still was and laid down on the sofa for a nap. I should have just gone back to bed for a proper sleep.I don't know why I thought that was improper for some reason, as if I was not supposed to lie in bed during the day.

My SPN called me after I had sent her the email about my grouchiness and the Welbutrin and told me not to make any changes in my medicines for 3 weeks so that I will stabilize and that they will be able to see then which medicine can be reduced or taken away completely. I begrudgingly made that promise, because 3 weeks is a long time to be grouchy, but I'm not it nonstop all day long so I guess I can live with that. You'll probably notice it in my posts when I am, though, and pay me no mind.

I walked to my sister's house in the afternoon with Tyke for some cappuccinos. My sister's dog is getting used to Tyke's enthusiasm, but doesn't quite want Tyke to have his toys yet. So he collects them under the table and guards them. They are doing better all the time and Tyke is learning to give Quinto his space and not to be too pushy. Quinto was used to Jesker and they got along well and now he has to get used to this little curious fellow who wants to be right there the whole time and be wherever he is. They'll work it out.

When I came back, I hung out on the computer for a while, but it was clear that I needed more sleep, so I laid down on the sofa again and was soon sound asleep once more. I'm just going to have to give into these urges to sleep during the day, because I am in a much better mood if I do and it doesn't seem to make that much difference with how much I sleep at night.

My template is back and I hope you can all read the font better on the white background. I have no way to enlarge it. You may all have to get reading glasses. Don't worry, I've got them too. There's no stigma attached to it. This is not the original watercolor template that I started out with, this is a new one in effort to get any template to show up at all. I can't find the unzip file with the watercolor template in it just now, but if I run into it, I will reinstall it, although I quite like this one too. I will go have a look for the other one in a minute. Maybe it is retrievable.

I need a tall glass of milk, so that's what I'm going to get. Have a good evening you all.

Ciao,
Nora

What did I tell you?

I have such a hard time waking up in the morning. The alarm clock wakens me out of a deep sleep and I need at least an hour to pull myself back into the land of the living because I have been so sound asleep. I sleep like a bear in hibernation. Quite befuddled I sit on the sofa with my mug of coffee and forget to drink it while I try to remember who I am and which day I am living in. In the meantime the Überhund wants my attention and rubs his head against my hands repeatedly and I absentmindedly rub his ears, but woe is me if I stop.

I smoke my cigarettes, but I am unable to get a fresh mug of coffee and sit with my half cold one and just don't know what to do. The minutes tick away and it keeps getting closer to eight AM, when I absolutely need to get in the starting blocks, which I then do, quite suddenly and then there is no stopping me. I go on automatic pilot and do all the things I need to do in the correct order, so I won't forget anything.

It isn't really until after I've walked the dog that I'm fully awake and can say I am present and accounted for. Then I look at the clock to see how many minutes I have left to have another cup of coffee and if I can afford to be a few minutes late and how quickly I need to ride my bike without having an accident. I figure I can decently be five minutes late and it is not really a big deal. Anything past that is rude.

During the break in ergo therapy, I met the new creative therapist for Tuesdays and we told her honestly that I had been intimidated to come, but she was ever so nice and took the time to show me around the room and showed me all the different projects I could try working on, which made me quite excited, because I saw things there that I had not seen in the other creative space. Working with lino cuts for example, which I am already sure that I am going to try first and working with Arabian gum and water and ink, which makes real nice effects and all sorts of other things. I was like a kid in the candy shop.

But...we must address this initial fear I have to start new things, because I am going to keep running into this problem and not everywhere in life people are going to be as patient and understanding with me, so I have to develop new strategies. I have fear of the unknown.

After ergo therapy, I had a one hour break, but luckily, so had a bunch of other people and the weather was nice, so we sat out on the deck in the sunshine and I ate four pieces of nougat that I still had in my purse from an outing with Von. I had also been smart enough to bring my one PM medications and remembered to take those. Sometimes I amaze myself.

At 1:30 PM we went down to the rec room for elementary movements, which is moving sensually to ethnic music, that's the only way to describe it. You will probably remember that I tried this once before and gave up on it, but I was bound and determined to get it right this time. Much to my surprise, I got the really hard movement right, which is moving your hips up and down while moving them back and forth and sideways, while not loosing your rhythm and then walking and stomping your feet along with it.

This is very hard to do, because you have to concentrate on so many things, firstly on your whole body stance and alignment. After you've done it for a while. you feel that you've tensed up and you have to relax and shake it all about and realign and start all over again. In between we danced loosely however we wanted to very happy music as wild as we wanted. I need some practice in this. I have a very Calvinistic body. It's not very wild.

We ended with a meditation, which was nice and relaxing and I was home by three PM, full of energy and took the dog for a walk, who had been impatiently waiting for me to get home, because he was right at the door when I opened it.

After that, I had a cup of coffee and sat down for a while, reading my mail and looking at my almost clean living room. I still need to mop the floors, but I got a lot done yesterday and will continue tomorrow morning, which is a day off, because it is Queen's Day.

Toby is very much better. He no longer has a snotty, runny nose and his eyes are clear. He only sneezes a little bit now, but you can see that there has been a vast improvement. He no longer makes that awful sound when he breathes and he wants lots of affection. And here I was ready to give up on him, that's how sick he was. Good old Toby.

The Exfactor came by for a quick cup of coffee and after that I somehow found the energy to go grocery shopping, because I was all out of milk. I can't live without milk. I also bought a six pack of Cola Light, but hadn't realized that Cola straight from the can would interfere something awful with my gastric band and two swallows from it made me feel like I had had a super meal and I felt a huge burp that was stuck there, but wouldn't come out. I poured the Cola in a glass and waited for all the bubbles to dissipate before I drank the rest of it. Flat Cola is the best.

Now it's time to bring the evening to an end. The day sure went by quickly, I feel like there were not enough hours in it. I need to put my pajamas on and relax behind the dumb box for a while. Tomorrow is another day and I get to sleep in. We'll see what time I naturally get up without the alarm clock.



Sleep tight, all you sweet people, sorry you don't have a holiday tomorrow.

Ciao...

Ain't we got fun?

The first thing I did this morning was pick up nearly 200 filter tubes that were scattered on the floor of the living room. Doubtlessly I owed that pleasure to one of the cats, because the box was laying under the computer desk. It's impossible to get nearly 200 filter tubes neatly into the box again, so I tossed them in haphazardly in a pile that's overflowing. It will be fun to use them, because some of them are crushed and may be beyond usefulness.

I grumbled about that a bit, especially when Toby and Nouri came over to 'help' me. They sauntered over and sat right down in the middle of things. The Überhund was merely confused by it all and didn't know what to do. He walked around the living room in frustration. I will teach him to growl at cats and be mean to them when they have done something wrong, though I doubt it will do any good. Cats don't associate well.

There is something clearly wrong with me, as I can't stay away from the computer. I find it difficult to turn it off and when it's on, I find it difficult not to write something. It may be something as simple as me going through withdrawal from my sleeping pills, I don't know, but I am not behaving rationally.

I see myself being fixated, but I can't seem to stop it. It's like I'm on a merry go round that doesn't stop turning.

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That's what I wrote this morning and as soon as I read my own words, I turned off the computer. I realized that I was indeed not behaving rationally and that I was the only one who could stop me from doing it. I turned on the television and fell asleep on the sofa. That was good, because I had a short night. Tomorrow I'm going to the pharmacy to pick up my sleeping pills. I don't know why I got it in my head to suddenly quit taking them last week. These things usually do not pan out well for me. I should know better by now. You don't suddenly quit a medication.

I am trying to keep myself calm and relaxed and really pay attention to the amount of stress I feel and how uptight I get about things. I appear calm on the surface, but things are bubbling underneath. I have fixated thoughts and I can't seem to put my focus on other things but this damn computer. I have just taken extra tranquilizers to calm down a bit, but I worry about tomorrow and how well I will do at creative therapy and if I will be able to relax enough. I worry about things I should not worry about and nitpick them to death.

The Überhund has had his double meal and has been walked and now he is laying on his blanket under the coffee table and he is sound asleep and snoring gently. It's so sweet. He is practically comatose. Totally oblivious of everything around him. I would like to take a pillow and curl up beside him, but he would look at me very strangely if I did that. I must not cross the boundaries of his dog world. Besides that, I would be covered in dog hair in no time. It's bad enough as it is.

Toby is siting on the kitchen counter pondering life's bigger questions. Like, why is there never anything good to eat around here and why does that darn dog get all the best stuff? He is sitting there in the hope that some good morsels will come along and that he will get some of them. The kitchen counter is the best place to be. It's also where the dish of milk is. Out of the dog's reach.

It's been 45 minutes since I took the tranquilizers and I feel them working now. What a nice feeling it is. My whole mind is relaxing. So is my body. You can't do this on your own. It's a loosing battle. I can't fight my own mind and what it sets out to do. I see what it does, but I can't shake myself free of it. It's like being overpowered by an entity that is larger than me.

The Überhund is awake again and walking purposefully through the apartment. I think he has an idea in his head, but has not quite fromulated it. I will put the oitments in his eyes now and he will get a treat. That will distract him for a while. Maybe he needs to go out one more time after that big meal. It's cold outside, so I will have to dress up warmly.

Ciao...