Kindly spirited...

When I wake up from my afternoon nap, I always feel very kindly towards the world and all the people in it. I have a totally untroubled mind. If anybody calls me at that time, I am all sweetness and I have all the patience needed to have whatever conversation is necessary. 

This mood lasts about an hour. By that time I have taken my evening dose of medicines and I am in another kind of good mood that is almost equally nice, but I'm not as sweet and patient anymore. I've got more stress by that time, having been awake long enough to have the reality of life penetrate my mind again.

Not that my reality is such an awful one. It is all in my imagination. It is my own fearful heart that makes it look that way. My reality is actually quite simple, but something in me doesn't experience it that way and sees bogeymen in every corner.

It's a terrible thing to live with a fearful heart because it prevents you from living life with full enjoyment. It's much better to be untroubled like that person who just woke up from her nap and who exists in the world like a newborn child. Unafraid. 

It's very possible that newborn children are not at all unafraid and that some of them have their fears too. If so, I may have been one of them. My mother told me once that I sure did an awful lot of crying when I was a baby. I may have been uneasy all alone in my crib. I wanted to be held by my father. 

I wonder what happens to you when you take that afternoon nap to make you feel so untroubled and kind? It must be a very soothing thing to do. It must be very good for your wellbeing. I wonder if people in southern countries don't have the right idea when they take their siestas. Or don't they do that any longer in today's society? I must ask my sister's Italian friend, but he's from Milan and that's in northern Italy. It may not be a custom there. 

I would always like to have the innocence I have when I wake up from my afternoon nap and to be so nonjudgmental.  It would be a lot easier to live with myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

Adding up the hours.

I was up early this morning, because Tyke was barking and I had to stop him so he wouldn't wake up the neighbors. Once I had assured him that everything was fine, I was wide awake and ready to stay up, so I made myself some coffee and answered my emails, which is always a good exercise for my brain. I feel surprisingly clearheaded this morning and not at all hung over, so answering my emails was done with a well functioning mind, which I can't say is always true. I'll have to see how I do the rest of the day, but it's good to feel so levelheaded so early in the morning.

I still can't see my complete blog template, but I've heard that Blogger is having some problems, so maybe it is due to that. I will wait it out patiently and see if the problem clears itself up. I've also left a message at the template website, but I haven't heard anything from them yet. Will those of you who do see my complete template let me know? At least I'll know there is hope.

Well, I was speaking of feeling clearheaded, but I can't think of a bloody thing to write about, yet write I must. It's supposed to be a compulsion, after all, and when you are compulsed to do something, you can't help but. It's like people who talk, but don't have anything to say. This may turn into one of those exercises.

Tell you what. I think I'll take my medicines and see if that makes any difference. It will be an interesting experiment and I will wait half an hour before I start writing again.



Okay, I've hung out on Facebook and tried to figure out why some people are so incredibly popular. I just don't seem to fit in that category, you know? People don't flock around me. I make statements, but I don't get many responses. Maybe my statements aren't provocative enough and they should be more outrageous. Maybe I should insult people in high places or become incredibly political or put in more links to interesting stories. It's a puzzlement. I will have to think about it for a while. I must have a better plan in place. Look at me, the big strategist.

I've noticed that after I take the Welbutrin in the morning lately, my mood just goes downhill. I become angry and irritated and impatient. I don't know if this is a temporary condition, but I've just sent my SPN an email discussing this problem with her. I don't think this is the way an antidepressant is supposed to make you feel. It happens within an hour after I take it. It's impossible to do anything about it once it strikes, but to keep in mind what the cause is and that it's an artificial mood and that it has nothing to do with reality. It does help to talk about it. I feel I'm coming out of the closet with my perfect Welbutrin that made me feel so good for the first two weeks.

If it's a temporary side effect, then I can live with it, but if it's a permanent thing, then I'm going to get off them and not try anything else. I've had enough different kinds of antidepressants and none of them have really worked, except for my temporary believe in them. There is no happiness pill.

Well, I'm going to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It will do us both good.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Buddha himself...

Buddha himself couldn't have felt more at peace with the world than I do now and feel such inner happiness. Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm sure I haven't quite reached those spiritual heights, but I do feel good. I'm quite contended with myself and the world I live in and there's not very much I could complain about right now and if I did, I'd be a fool. I realize that this is a mood and that like all moods it has a beginning and an ending, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I don't want anyone coming along and messing with it.

My SPN and I went to the meeting with my contact person at Social Services today and the thumb screws weren't put on me to get me out there and get to work as quickly as possible, as a matter of fact, I'm now released from renewing my status as a work seeker every three months in order to keep my right to my monthly allowance. That means that nobody can force me to take a job or make me look for one, nor do I have to do any volunteer work. I'm completely released from that pressure. All I have to do is follow my therapy with my SPN, take my medication, see my psychiatrist and get better.

It was a good thing that my SPN was with me, because it gave a lot of clarity by her asking all the right questions and providing background information. I was overwhelmed by the conversation and had to digest it all when we left there, and then acted silly in the car to get rid of the tension. My SPN is so absolutely cool.

That's why I am in such an excellent mood, because I feel like the weight of the world has fallen off my shoulders and I can breathe freely again. A lot of my anxiety is gone. I'd been struggling with that portion of my life for a long time. I felt so very much beholden to the system.

Well, I'm sure I'll find something else to feel anxious about. It is after all in the nature of the beast, but it will not be continually, it will only be sometimes. That's another thing I'm learning. Feelings are temporary conditions, they come and go. You don't get stuck in them. They are very fleeting, and another thing I'm learning is that you always return to your center of gravity where there is rest and peace. You don't have to be all over the place, going from one emotion to another. Sometimes there is just wellbeing. A lot of times, maybe.

I've just had my third and last cup of coffee for today . It tasted very nice and was worth the long wait, but I must say that I did not crave it all day long. There was no great longing for caffeine. This new medication seems to take care of all sorts of cravings. It's a very soothing medicine. It makes you feel very calm. I've never had that happen with a medicine before.

I've got to go walk Tyke before it's completely dark outside.

Have a happy evening!

Ciao,
Nora