More hot coffee...

I saw myself forced to make another pot of coffee because I started to yawn and it is barely the beginning of the afternoon. I don't think I'm supposed to be getting sleepy yet. It would be great to go lie down in my bed and take a nap, but it was not part of the plan for today. I do want to stay up and spend the afternoon in a more upright position. 

I think the caffeine will straighten me out and help me carry out my plan and hopefully I will be wide awake again soon. I do rely on coffee to help me through the rough spots. I've made it a little stronger so it will carry a bit of a punch. I do want it to zap me back into consciousness. The side effect will be that it will put me in a good mood. 

I can certainly stand one of those, although I'm not grumpy or anything. I just like the temporary high that caffeine gives me. I woke up in a perfectly good mood this morning and it didn't take much coffee to get me started. My thoughts weren't too confused and I wasn't overwhelmed by too much input right from the beginning. I eased gently into the day. 

It's a bit cold in the apartment, but I do have the windows open and the sun is not shining. It rained all night and sometimes it came down in buckets. It was a regular deluge. I thought I would have to start building the ark and start putting the animals in it. 

For about a week now I suspected there was a mouse in the kitchen closet. The cat and the dog showed much interest in it, but I never could catch a glimpse of it. Last night, when it was very quiet, I heard something move around in there, so I opened the door and let he cat in. Some time later she came out with a dead mouse which I disposed of before the dog could get it. 

The cat had probably brought the mouse into the apartment herself and it had escaped from her. I'm glad she was able to finish the job. It had probably been living on dog food and getting to the water bowl through the crack underneath the door. I hope it had a happy last week in the closet.

I'm fully caffeinated now and I can sit up straight and function normally. I think I'm good for the rest of the afternoon. I think I can even walk the dog again which is something he will welcome very much. He's found a very good Dunlop tennis ball on one of our walks and it has become his favorite. I'm sure he's hoping to find another one. 

Ciao,
Irene

Options...

It was a choice to either have some coffee or go take a nap. I chose for the coffee and am waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing it so I can have a much needed cup. I will forsake the nap and save up my sleep for tonight when I will go to bed at a fairly decent time. I won't have to watch any football matches anyway after last night's debacle when the Dutch team lost against Germany. They haven't won a match yet. It's a terrible situation and I'm much disgusted and so is the rest of the population of this country.We're all walking around in a bad mood. 

I mustn't let that press my fun and immediately move on to other things more uplifting. I will not let the defeat of the Dutch football team determine my outlook for the rest of the day.  I'm sure there are other more important things that are of influence such as this cup of coffee I'm having now and the fact that the sun is shining into the living room. That does alter your mood and make you more cheerful. There's nothing as welcome as a bit of sunshine after all these days of cloudy skies and showers. I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. 

I knew I would cheer myself up writing about that. Just making a note of it is enough to make me happier. The fact that it's getting warmer in the living room does also because it was a little bit chilly in here and I wasn't about to close the windows. It is June after all and that would be admitting defeat. For the same reason I can't turn on the heater even if it does get cold in here. I am bound and determined to keep believing that summer will get here yet and that it will happen in my lifetime. 

I'm wearing a summery top that is new, but at the same time I'm wearing my jeans and a jeans jacket. I'm not quite as warm and comfortable as I'd like to be. I'd like to wear a pair of socks too and a scarf around my neck, but I thought that might be a bit too pessimistic and not in keeping with the time of year. It's always a bit of a struggle to decide what to wear in the morning because I want to wear my summer clothes, but the weather discourages me from doing so. Wearing layers seems to be the best way to deal with it. 

The dog is watching the maintenance people from the city clean up the municipal flowerbeds. They are making an awful lot of noise because they are using power tools. I liked it better in the olden days when things were done by hand and it was a gentle occupation. I'm sure people were more skilled back then too. Nowadays everything seems to get cut back indiscriminately. The dog was sleeping in the sunshine on the dining table. He was very rudely disturbed in his sleep. 

I will now go take him for a walk and enjoy some of the sunshine. Hopefully, it will be warmer outside than it is in here.

Have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

In the early evening...

In spite of the two cups of coffee I've had, I'm sitting here yawning as if I need to go to bed and take a nap. It is true that I didn't take one this afternoon, but I thought the caffeine took care of that. I just took a walk with the dog in the warm summery feeling air and I thought it was enough to wake me up. Instead it has half put me to sleep. 

I refuse to believe that I really can't do without my afternoon nap. I'm not quite that old yet, although it must be that some habits die hard and I have gotten used to this one. It does feel good to be a little sleepy and I'm not really complaining. At least the coffee hasn't made me wiry and jumpy, but then it seldom does. I probably wouldn't drink it if it did. 

Being in a mellow mood is just fine. It allows me to reflect on life without getting too excited about it. Of course, I saw my relaxation therapist today, so I'm bound to be more mellow because we did new exercises together. After I did a series of them lying down very comfortably, I could have gone to sleep on the spot and it took me some effort to get up again and start riding my bike home. 

By the time I got home, I was somewhat refreshed again and could finish doing the laundry which had to be hung up. It was my second load of the day and I did it with pleasure because it smelled so good thanks to the washing powder. I do like to get some rewards for my efforts and good smelling laundry is one of them. Especially if they are clothes I'm going to wear. They smell bad soon enough because I smoke. 

I've been talking to the dog a lot and it amazes me how much he understands. I don't know if he understands a complete sentence, but enough words anyway to know what I mean and to anticipate what is going to happen. He doesn't forget what I've told him and just waits patiently for me to get around to it. I think he's smarter than he lets me believe. He does hide his light under a bushel and pretends he's dumb sometimes. I think that's when it's convenient to him. 

Oh, I've got to watch the news.  Time to go.

Ciao,
Irene

In charge again...

Whatever was bothering me, has stopped doing so. It has stopped making me feel stressed and anxious and left me feeling relaxed and happier. It stopped this afternoon and I've been much pleased ever since. I've celebrated that with several cups of coffee and they in turn made me feel much better too, so it was a double joyful happening. I don't feel that anything can go wrong now. 

I'm enjoying this time as much as I can and am relishing the easiness of it. Hardly anything seems complicated anymore. Things I worried about before seem so benign in nature now. I laugh at the fact that I was intimidated by them earlier. I've certainly found my courage again. I guess you have to hit the bottom a bit before you bounce back up. Luckily, I didn't hit it too hard. 

It goes to show you that you mustn't get too caught up in your temporary moods. They may only be of short nature but you can spend a lot of that time worrying about things when all you need to do is wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, a person is never smart enough to realize that or maybe some people are very even natured and they don't go through these ups and downs so much. When attacked by stress, I do. 

It usually takes a good dose of realism to get me on the path of the straight and narrow again and that is where I am now. There aren't many bends in the road anymore. Before there were many twists and turns and the whole situation was unforeseeable. I felt I might miss a curve and get a fatal accident. Now I'm cruising along merrily and in charge again and I'm going along at the right speed. 

All this speaking in metaphores does not become me and I'll stop right now and get to reality on all fronts. 

I've just peeled an apple for the dog and he is very happily chowing down on it. Actually, he does eat it very delicately for a dog. He takes rather small bites as if he wants to make it last. He's always very disappointed when he's eaten it all and looks all over the place for bits and pieces. He eats to efficiently for there to be any.

The apartment is  clean and the dishes have been done. I'm ready for the weekend. All I have to do is change the bed and walk the dog. 

Have a good one.

Ciao,
Irene

A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Chilled to the bone...

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes at the end of the afternoon. I thought initially that I was going to need a nap but once I had some caffeine in me, I quite perked up and now I feel like a million dollars. I haven't been in such a good mood for quite a while and it is very welcome. I won't analyze it because it's too precious for that. I will just accept it for what it is and enjoy it. 

The coffee tastes very good and I think with this cheap little coffeemaker I can't make a bad cup. It's really a primitive little thing and I really should get a much better one but it does turn out good coffee. I really think it's because of the measuring spoon that it came with. I'm finally getting the amount of ground coffee right. I was putting in way too much before and made coffee that knocked my socks off. 

The domestic help has been here and I can now look forward to the weekend which in my eyes has already started. I have the rest of this day off and I can do with it as I please. I will take advantage of that and totally indulge myself. I do feel I deserve it after a long suffering week of many moods and much stress. I sure as heck don't want to repeat that any time soon. Whose idea was that anyway.? 

The day went by quickly but it always does when you're in a good mood. The time flies by and I didn't get up all that late either. It rained in the morning but I paid it no mind and took the dog out between showers. The grass had been cut and all the buttercups and daisies in the fields were gone. I do dislike that because they looked so cheerful. I thought the buttercups especially looked very nice. 

The sun has come out and it is shining into the living room making it a little bit warmer in here. That does make a difference and I wish it would come out earlier in the day. When it gets chilly, I feel like putting on all my winter clothes and I´m sure it´s the wrong time of the year for that. You want to stay optimistic because it´s May, regardless of what the weather does. You dare the sun to come out and show itself. 

If I were downtown now, I would sit on a café terrace under an umbrella and have a hot chocolate. Then I would participate in our favorite sport and watch the people go by. That reminds me that I haven´t been to the movies in a while and I have no idea what´s showing. I must look on the film theater´s website and see what the latest movies are. 

It´s time to eat. I must feed my body too. I can´t live on coffee alone. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

I'm just lucky...

I suppose it's a good thing that I get up in the middle of the night also when I am in a more "normal" mood than I  have been during the day. You wouldn't think there was anything wrong with me now compared to yesterday when I had such a struggle with myself. I do seem like a totally different person now, except by all appearances I still look the same. I just don't have that crazed look in my eyes. 

I don't know why I had such a hard time yesterday and it seems very odd now looking back on it. It was a little bit like being stuck in a bad dream. Looking back on it now it feels like I was a little bit crazy for a while and I wonder if I'm going to be it again today. At least I will have this post to look back on to remind me that I can also be perfectly normal. Whatever that's supposed to be but you get my drift.

I wonder if part of the problem was that I had slept through the night and didn't at all get up to sit behind the computer and have my usual cups of coffee. I slept through the night and woke up at a decent time in the morning and from that point on never did get the day right. That's a complete departure from my usual schedule and it may have upset my equilibrium. I'm that easily disturbed. 

I don't do well with change and as a rule like everything to be the same and predictable. I normally don't like changes in my schedule and do like to plan everything ahead of time. That's why I don't like to make long airplane flights because the differences in time upset me. I generally like to stay put. 

I didn't always used to be this way but I have gotten so as I got older and more set in my ways. I guess I'm less flexible now and don't adapt as quickly. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here now and realize that I can enjoy these quiet hours of the night before I have to go back to bed. I don't have to get up at a particular time in the morning, although I do have a couple of chores to do before the domestic help gets here early in the afternoon. I won't worry about that too much and assume those will get done and she'd be the first to forgive me if they weren't. I will make the effort however.

I have many dishes to wash because I have used every plate that was in the cupboard. That's never happened before but it's what happens when you don't get around to your usual jobs. I've also only got one tall glass left to drink milk from. So you see, that's a high priority chore. The more I put it off, the less I felt like doing it. I will plunge head deep into it in the morning. I will be up to my elbows into the suds. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you're either sleeping or otherwise amusing yourselves. 

Ciao,

Irene

Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

The proper mood...

I've been sitting here for a while trying to get in the right mood to write a post. I was feeling very grumpy and could not think of a nice thing to write. I knew I would have to change my attitude because I didn't want this to tunr into one great lament. I had to do a bit of self analysis and drink a glass of ice cold milk. I think I've got the attitude problem sorted out and the milk has made me feel a lot better too.

Just as easily as I can get very optimistic, I can also get into a total funk. It is usually short lived but intense. There is usually a reason for it because it's about something that's bothering me a lot and something that I really need to rant about. Since I don't have that possibility, I have to work it out on my own. I have a mini storm rage inside of me but at a certain point it boils down to a mild simmer and then I don't feel so bad anymore. 

After wrestling with this particular issue, I'm left feeling very tired and I really want to go back to bed and sleep. I will postpone that a little while and finish this post.I don't have an appointment until 1:30 pm and I have enough time to sleep. This appoinment is to practice relaxation and breathing techniques and it's something completely new for me.

Well, that's not true. I do know relaxation techniques and do apply them but not on a regular enough basis. I do know how to get back in the moment very well but there are crucial times when I forget. It has to become second nature. 

I will be a perfect human being yet.

I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. 

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Irene

Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Many words are wasted...

I've got an extremely grumpy mood and I think it's because I just woke up from a nap. I must have gotten out on the wrong side of the bed or I haven't had enough coffee yet. The sun is shining outside so it's not the weather's fault. I must drink another cup of coffee and see if that will straighten me out. I can't stay grumpy because I am my own worst enemy this way. If I could kick myself in the rear end, I would do it. 

I don't usually wake up grumpy from naps. As a rule I am quite reasonable. I only need the coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind, not to put me in a good mood. As a matter of fact, I'm a quite mild mannered person and not prone to grumpiness. That doesn't mean that I don't think a person is not allowed to be it once in a while. We can't all be saints. There is a time and a place for everything. A lesser mood does happen when you're a mere mortal. Besides, the Greek gods were famous for their moodiness.

I know I will get over it in no time at all and that this will not last. I'm not going to stay grumpy for the rest of the day. It's just a temporary hitch in the system. Just by writing about it I will start feeling better. And I can always talk myself out of everything, including temporary grumpiness. 

In the meantime, I'm having another cup of coffee and I'm already starting to feel better. I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. I just made another pack of cigarettes from my dwindling tobacco supply and I think by tomorrow I should be all out of it. Then it will be time for the nicotine patches. I'm lucky that I still have those and that I don't have to go out and spend the money on them because they are expensive enough. 

It's been a great day today in which nothing of importance happened whatsoever and that was fine with me. I watched the news updates a lot because politically there's a lot going on right now and I do want to stay informed. It looks like we're going to have elections on September the 12th and that gives all the parties time to prepare for them properly. Having elections on June the 27th was pushing it a little bit. Personally, I'm more than ready to go out and vote but there are always those floating voters who can't make up their minds. 

When the sun disappears, it immediately gets colder in here and I've had to turn on the heater. I have the feeling I should be eating hot soup or other hearty winter fare. I have at this moment a terrible craving for a stew or a chowder and I wish I was in the States so I could easily take care of it.  I guess I'm in the mood for some real American food but that is hard to get. I wouldn't mind going to a Denny's right now and having my pick of the menu. 

I think that's all I have to share. I've got to put my bathrobe on over my clothes so I'll be warm. I'm a great sufferer of the cold.

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

In the mood...

I'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It sets the stage, sort to say. I've taken a nap and now it's almost evening. Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening. 

Inside it is a little chilly because I don't have the heater turned on yet. I don't know why I'm being so stubborn. I guess I'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat.

My mood is neither here nor there. It's unimportant and I'm not going to waste any words on it. The less said about it the better. 

This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections. A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen, including me. I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse. Still, I was pleasantly surprised when it did. 

It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me, they were. Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions. 

Because of the summer holidays, the elections won't take place until September at the earliest. Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly. I already know which party I'm going to vote for, so I'm more than ready to.

There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam. For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on. There were many wounded and a lot of them severe. For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there's going to be an investigation. 

So, despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping,  I did manage to stay well informed. I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between. I did miss most of the sports that were on but I'm going to watch the highlights tonight. A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes. 

Except for the news events, the weekend was quiet and went by quickly. I suppose I'm ready for the week to start. I'm not thrilled about it and frankly don't care much one way or the other. I suppose my mood could be better. I'm sure I'm affected by events more than I realize. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Irene

An undetermined mood...

I'm actually still yawning from the long nap I took this afternoon and the cup of coffee I just had has not made much of an impact yet. I guess I didn't make it strong enough and the second cup will have to pack a punch. That's why my mood is still undetermined and I have no idea of how I'm put together yet. I think right now I'm mostly grumpy but I'll try to get over that as quickly as I can and you can all be witness to it. Watch a metamorphosis take place. 

I must be in one of those cycles that I need a lot of sleep because I have not gotten a shortage of it for the last 24 hours. It seems that I can't get enough of it. I even slept on the sofa for an hour while I was waiting for the domestic help to get here. When she did, I was so comatose that I could hardly talk to her. So much for my conversational skills that usually don't let me down. But right now I'd rather sleep than do almost anything else and that includes eating, although that doesn't say much. 

The sun has been shining a lot today but it hasn't actually been a warm day. I did have to wear my winter coat when I went out and I've had the heater on for most of the day. I do have to admit that I get cold quickly and I seem to be allergic to the cold. I was definitely meant to live in a warmer climate. But at least the sun was out and it did cheer things up. Of course, the world is a lot greener and that does make things look a lot more cheerful too.

I do appreciate the fact that I have to go out a couple of times a day to walk the dog because otherwise I would not be aware of how quickly nature is changing right now. It's thé opportunity for me to be out regularly and see how green the trees are becoming and how many dandelions there are growing in the grass. The lowly dandelion does have its place in nature too. 

There, I've become sensible and wide awake again and I never did have that second cup of coffee. I had two glasses of cold milk instead. I was very thirsty and slightly hungry too. That milk took care of that. 

I can now move on to the next chapter and that is to take my medicines and take the dog for a walk. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

The better stuff...

At least I can tell you one thing for certain, I'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having. I got the better brand today which I won't mention by name but it is very well known. It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I'm drinking it with more pleasure. I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip. I'm even looking forward to the second cup.

I've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again. I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm. The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep. For a while (about an hour) I was bleeding all over the place. I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again. Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb? 

It is raining outside and has been for a while. I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn't stopped for the past hour and a half. The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message. He's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air, sound asleep. He's so exposed, it does make you want to tickle him. I'll be kind and not do that. I've got to think of my thumb too. 

I'm still yawning from the nap I took. I thought, while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap. The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy. I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it. It is very much my room. I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams. I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get. Because I smoke again, I won't have the money to get anything. That's the price I pay. 

Since it's Saturday evening, there will no doubt be many boring television shows on. I will have to find another way to amuse myself. I don't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it for the moment. So that's one activity behind the computer that has ceased.

Today I started reducing my anti-psychotics some more. This is in order to elevate my mood just a little bit. I'm not depressed but I think I can be a little bit more cheerful and I think the anti-psychotics are dampening my mood just a little bit too much. I'm just reducing them by 1 mg at first and if all goes well, I'll reduce them by another 1 mg. I'll go slowly on this and not hasten anything. The first week is the most important and will tell me a lot. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is kind to you. 

Ciao,

Irene

In the morning, bright and sunny...

I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm more than ready to start the day. I am up bright and sunny, but I don't think the day is actually going to be. It is now cloudy and gray outside and it is supposed to stay that way. I'm not going to let that press my good mood and I'm totally going to ignore it. I will have a fine day no matter what the weather is going to be like. That's the kind of mood I'm in.

I was up earlier during the night but I never did get around to writing a post. I was too busy on Pinterest because I had redivided some boards and of course I had to add new pins to them. That kept me out of trouble for a while. I had a wonderful time pretending I could make all my wishes come true. It's like being a little girl and making your wish list for Santa Claus and sometimes these things come true. 

I've cut down even more on my tranquilizers and am now down to only one dose of 10 mg at night. These were strong ones and they worked great when I was highstrung but they made me very sleepy when I was not. That resulted in me always wanting to take naps during the day and I hope I won't feel that need now. I started taking them when I got so grumpy when I quit smoking the first time. 

It's always best to get off these kinds of medications as quickly as possible but it can take a while before you are able to. You have to choose the right moment and you have to have the wilpower to do it. You actually have to be stubborn enough and damn well make up your mind you're going to. Nobody else can make you do it. Don't rely on anyone else. 

I jusr stepped outside when the dog had to go out back and it is nice and chilly out there. There's a cold wind blowing and it felt good. All the trees and shrubs are green and it looks wonderful. It does give you hope for better weather, but this is okay with me too. I'll just have to dress a little warmer when I take the dog for a walk in a while. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to feel the cold air on my face. 

I don't have much else to report. I've finished my coffee and want to get dressed. I'm eager to get the day started. The Exfactor should be here this morning to finish putting the dresser together. It will be nice to see it all done. Then I can finish decorating the guest room. 

First I'm off to take the dog out for a walk in the cold morning air.

Ciao,

Irene

Pete and repeat...

I'm in an extremely warm and fuzzy mood because I've just woken up from a life renewing nap and I'm now having a cup of coffee and a cigarette. The circumstances couldn't get much better than this. For just a little while anyway, I can let myself believe that everything is perfect and that I've landed in heaven. It isn't every day that I can say that. I do have to treasure the moment and share it with you. 

The sun is shining into the living room and, because I also had the heater on for a while, it's nice and warm in here. That was a pleasure to wake up to. I feel warm all the way through my bones and that doesn't happen all the time. It's good because my bathrobe is in the washing machine and I'm not able to wear it right now. 

I did finally remember to stick it in there and wash it after emptying the pockets. That was a crucial factor because there were all sorts of things in there that wouldn't have survived the wash cycle. It would have been a right mess if I hadn't taken them out. Especially the paper tissues would have created a disaster. 

After I put together the bed for the guest room yesterday, I had all the carton packing material that I didn't know what to do with stacked up in the hallway. The animals and I kept having to step on top of it if we wanted to go anywhere and it really was in the way. I was a little puzzled as to what to do with the very large pieces but today I got it sorted out.

I got a box and folded everything into as small as possible enough pieces so they would fit into the box. It really turned out to be fairly simple and not that much work and I was done in no time at all. The dog helped me by standing on every piece of carton that I wanted to fold. He was very thoughtful that way. I did appreciate it very much. Now the box can be put out by the sidewalk for the people of the recycle truck to pick it up. 

I didn't put together the dresser but have decided to let the Exfactor do that with my able help. I'm a little bit intimidated by the heaviness of the flatpacks it comes in and I think putting it together will be more work than I anticipated. The bed turned out to be. The Exfactor may be just a little more technical than I am when it comes to putting together complicated pieces of furniture. 

I mustn't say that because I'm sure I'm quite capable of it, but I'm letting myself be intimidated. I would do it if left to my own devices. Circumstances dictate that I'm more helpless now.

I must get back to my Zen moment that I was in at the start of this post. The dog is telling me it's time to go for a walk, however, and I suppose I will take him out now. I do hate to make him wait. He's such a well mannered animal. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Onward forever and then some...

I can tell you one thing and that is that I'm not depressed anymore. That bird has flown the coop. The mood has escaped me. I am so relieved. I thought it had during the night but I didn't want to jubilate ahead of time. Now that it's daytime, I know for sure. I'm in a fine mood and all my worries seem far away. Hey, isn't that a line in a song? No, that goes a little bit different than that. 

I've reduced my anti-psychotics from 8 mg to 6 mg and I think that's made the difference. I think I was taking too much. That former amount was okay when I was hypo-manic but it was too much when I came down to earth again and I think it made me depressed. It was a temporary measure anyway and was never meant to be of permanent nature. 

I think my psychiatrist can trust me enough to make these decisions. I do have some personal leeway when it comes to some of my medicines. I know damn well what they do with me and it's not always the right thing at the right time.

So now I'm sitting here with my good mood and the best of intentions. The apartment is cleaned up, but I do have a stack of mail to plow through. I will do that shortly. Since it's Saturday, I've got all day to do it and no phone calls to make about it. Everybody on the help desks will have the weekend off. That does give me a break. It's nice when something is impossible to do. It gives you time to think about it. 

I was outside with the dog in the beautiful warm sunshine and wore my summer top. I do want to get a little bit of color before it gets too hot. I can't believe how pleasant it was out there and have opened all the windows to air out the place. Now it's really springtime and tonight we set the clocks ahead one hour. I do look forward to the extra hour of daylight in the evening. 

My older sister is going to have a galstone operation. Apparently there is nothing else wrong with her and that is a big relief. She did have us worried there for a while. She's very sick with them and it's about time something is done about them. She's just not assertive enough when it comes to her health. I don't take after her.

The dog is lying down on the dining table in the sunshine that is coming in through the windows. I think he likes it very much. This morning he tore the outer layer off a tennis ball. The rug in the living room was covered with fuzz. He had such a goood time doing that. He's got three balls left to go. He always does find ways to amuse himself and then there's always the cat to bother. 

The Exfactor bought me chewable vitamins and they are as good as candies. They are forest berry flavor and I want to keep eating them, but I'm not supposed to. That makes me think that I have a secret longing for sweets. I ought to buy a bag of them the next time I'm in the pharmacy. They have a good selection there of old fashioned candy. The vanilla drops are especially good. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Irene

Being sensible...

I suppose that a lot of times it's difficult to do the thing that's best for you and you choose the thing that is the most agreeable. I should be sleeping right now and I have been to bed. I spent two hours there, but I didn't sleep, so I got up again and made myself some coffee because I knew that would put me in an excellent mood. I wanted to enjoy the wee hours of the night while I was in this good mood and I was not disappointed because I am. 

I have the alarm clock set for five hours from now and at this rate I'm not going to get a lot of sleep at all. I'm not worrying a lot about that now and I will see what happens when the time comes. I will deal with the difficulties as they arise. No doubt I will be taking a nap later on in the day if I don't want to run into the inevitable problems. 

I was in too good a mood when I went to bed and didn't feel at all sleepy. I went there out of a sense of responsibilty. It was late so I had to go to sleep. I was not nearly done being awake and active and was not in the mood to slow down. I thought lying down in my bed would get me in the proper mood, but it didn't work out that way. You know about best laid plans...

I have been having a slight migraine since this afternoon. It gets worse if I move my head around or bend over, so I avoid doing those things. Sometimes I forget and do them anyway. I haven't had a real migraine in a very long time. I do have a history of them when I was younger. I remember spending lots of time in darkened rooms. I don't know why I should have one now. It's a mystery to me. I've got to put paracetamol on the shopping list.

I suppose I'll go to bed now and try to get a few hours of sleep. I must be sensible sometimes. I do feel a little bit of pressure to do the right thing.

Have a good day everyone. Enjoy the week. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Unbelievably so...

Spring is here. I´ve seen the proof of it all over the place today when I was out taking the dog for his long walks. I paid close attention to everything in nature and saw green buds and new shoots on hedges and rose bushes and other plants. I also saw lots of bulb plants popping out of the ground and I saw my first tulips blooming. 

There were perennials that had new leaves and weeds underneath the hedges that were multiplying. There were even new daisies in the grass. Once I started looking carefully, there turned out to be new life everywhere. What at first had seemed like bare gardens, turned out to be places full of promise of things to come. I´m thrilled to pieces. 

Because the weather was also decent, it was a pleasure to be out there and I made the walks longer than I had planned to. The dog is just going to have to get used to it. We´ll keep going out there and making longer rounds all the time. There´so much to discover and enjoy. I do have to bend over bushes and plants regularly to inspect them for new growth. It´s not always obvious right away, whle with some others it´s clear to see. 

I´m so thrilled that today I saw these signs of spring because now I know that it´s really on its way and that we´re moving in the right direction. It is March, after all and not much bad weather can hit us now. I´m full of hope. My good mood can´t be beat and I will keep being upbeat now untill the end of the summer, even well into the fall. I´ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

For me this means the liberation from winterrtime and it will really be complete when we set the clocks ahead one hour on the weekend of the 24th.  That will mean that it will stay light longer in the evening and I´m all for that. It means taking the dog for longer walks then too. The poor dog does have to walk a lot. 

I actually still get very sleepy and groggy during the day. I solve that with drinking coffee and taking naps. If I drink coffee and then go for a walk with the dog, it serves me well. I get lots of energy out of that. Taking a nap is a nice option too, but I don´t always want to do that. It´s okay in the morning when I haven´t slept enough yet anyway., but I don´t want to waste the rest of the day on them. 

I know I should go for a walk now, but I´m too tired to go and besides, I´m wearing my bathrobe and am nice and warm. The dog will have to go out back. 

Oh, in the morning that bird is back singing its beautiful song. It´s a long song and it takes a while for it to get through it. It sings it with a little bit of variation the whole early morning. It´s like it´s having a monologue. It sure is pretty.  I can´t see the bird, so I have no idea what it looks like. 

Oh, I just did some research and I found out that it is the European Blackbird or the Turdus Merula. If you look it up on YouTube you can hear its song. Mine just sounds so much better. He must be a pro. Maybe he speaks the local dialect. 

Well, I´ve sat here long enough and wasted my time. I´ve done other things while I was supposed to be writing this. You can´t trust me to stick to the job at hand. I´m now listening to the soundtrack of a rainstorm. It is very pleasant to listen to, though I have to say that I´m very glad that it´s not raining like that outside. It would be good to fall asleep to, though. 

I just had some whole grain bread with butter. It was a joy to eat, but I´m awfully full. I won´t be able to eat or drink anything for quite a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Irene´s Dutch Diva Blog.

Friday afternoon...

I just woke up from a big old nap and I think I'm in a good enough mood now to try and write a post. I've been seriously lacking in good humor and whatever post I tried to write I had to delete because I was not happy with it. It think it is very possible that I was just plain grumpy all this time and that nothing at all made me happy. It's good to own up to this and to not beat around the bush. When grumpy, admit that you are. It's the easiest way to get back to feeling normal.

Well, I'm glad I got that settled. Everything in life should be that easy. It is when you only have yourself to deal with. It's another story all together when you have to take other people into the equation. Not that I'm having a particular problem with anyone. It's just a general sort of observation I'm making. 

Today is the 12th day since I stopped smoking and I'm still going strong. I still feel the urge to smoke now and then but it's getting decidedly less. I haven't climbed any walls yet. It's gone amazingly easy, I think. Those nicotine patches are wonderful and have really saved my life. I'm sure I would not be doing as well without them. Tomorrow I start on a lesser dose. I will be curious to see if my body is going to notice the difference. I don't really expect any problems. 

It has just started to snow outside. On the news earlier today they said it would and to expect a lot. I still have to walk the dog and I will be taking him out shortly. He loves the snow but show me a dog that doesn't. He pushes his nose into it as far as it will go and breathes deeply. He's like a hippo underwater.

I suppose I should be happy that it's Friday again. I am somewhat. I hope the weekend is going to be interesting enough. I have the feeling that I will be taking lots of naps unless something unexpected happens. Naps always save my life. That and good television. 

Have a good weekend yourselves.

Ciao,

Nora