Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sorting my marbles...

Today I found myself in something which resembled a depression and I couldn't believe it because, after all, I had taken all my pills at the right time and made sure I got enough sleep. I tried very hard to feel more cheerful and to put a bounce in my step, but it was all to no avail, so this afternoon I lied down for another nap. 

When I woke up, I thought things might be different, but they weren't and all the while what was nagging at the back of my mind were the changes I had made to my blogs and that I was really uncomfortable with. I had tried to push these thoughts away, but apparently they were bothering me more than I was giving them credit for. 

I took my medicines and made a pot of coffee and turned on the computer. I had a good look at those blogs and the layouts and could see that they were hopelessly inadequate. I had wanted them too badly and had not considered the practicality of them. I had taken a wrong turn simply because I had discovered something new and it was for free and I could apply it. 

Undoing everything and getting the blogs back to a more normal and practical look didn't take all that long. Blogger is very user friendly that way and very forgiving. It remembers everything you thought you had deleted.

I have to say that I feel a bit better now. I feel that I've saved myself from a terrible fate and that is of losing all my readers because the layouts were so bad and hard to read. But I think it's also the coffee and the medicines and the nap that have done their share to make me feel better. It's a combination of everything, most likely. 

Hopefully, I'll start looking at my world through rose colored glasses again like I was lately. It certainly was a friendlier place, although I suppose that you can't have equally happy days all the time. 

I frankly do count on that and am always very disappointed if my days aren't. I get very discouraged and take it as a bad sign. I think that I haven't had enough happy days yet in my lifetime. I haven't accumulated enough to have enough experience with them and to know they will always return. 

I think I'm in too contemplative a mood. I must get over it. I've got to go find my sense of humor somewhere. I've got to go find the unbearable lightness of being. 


Hardly any fools around here...

It's in the middle of the night as usual and I'm sitting here with my excellently brewed cup of coffee. I can say that about myself, that I brew coffee well, because it's the truth. At least, according to my tastes it is. I like a cup that packs a punch and this one does. If I had socks on, it would knock them right off, as the saying goes. 

Luckily, I'm sitting here barefooted because it isn't that cold inside. The hot coffee is heating me up and I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. There will be no socks flying around the living room, although that would please the dog very much. He's always stealing my socks if I don't put them away carefully. It doesn't matter if they're clean or worn. 

I had a good day today, except for not having gotten enough sleep initially. That does affect your outlook and makes you just a bit less cheerful, even though you try to be. It feels like you have jet lag and constantly need to lie down without being able to. I finally managed to get caught up on my sleep and felt a heck of a lot better after that. When in doubt about your mood, always take a good nap. It will fix you right up. 

Right now I keep falling asleep behind the computer, but I do have little revivals during which I have bursts of energy. I am yawning something awful and it makes me hopeful for when I go back to bed. That coffee doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.  I'm going to drink a glass of ice cold milk and see what that does to my thinking capacities. Hopefully it will jar me awake a little bit  temporarily. 

I have no big plans for tomorrow other than to do some chores and to feel good. It's only a very short time ago that I felt miserable every day and I'm still getting used to feeling well. I still feel that it's all very precarious and don't quite believe in it yet. 

I have to get used to having steady mooded days in which I regularly feel the same way all day long. I also have to get my sleep schedule in order better. I get up too early in the morning and suffer for it all day long. I need to get it back to how it used to be and not over optimistically get out of bed too soon. I must take a nap in the afternoon and not skip it. It's very important that I do. 

I always have to remember that I have to build in predictability and structure. Those are the two very important ingredients for me to function well. It's not a good idea to start messing with them. It's the sameness of each day that does me well. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to get as much sleep as I can. I hope I'm sensible and don't get up too soon. 
Have a good day you all. 


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

When in doubt, blog...

By my standards, it is relatively early in the morning and I don't know what I'm doing out of bed already either. I did have a desire for a cup of coffee and a cigarette so I guess that's what drove me out of my bed and into the kitchen. 

It's a small step from there to the computer because now I have oodles of time to sit here and write a post. I wouldn't know what else to do right now anyway while I drink my numerous cups of coffee and wait for my medicines to start working. Any minute now I should start turning into a semblance of a cheerful human being. 

If I keep telling myself that often enough I will start believing in it myself.  I'm willing myself to see the glass half full. I'll be darned if I'm going to see it any other way. I will be cheerful and relaxed, come hell or high water. The fact that maybe I'm up too early has nothing to do with it. Lots of people get up before they're ready to and function. It's something I have to deal with.

I think it will take a second cup of coffee which I will have to drink with powdered creamer because the milk is all gone. The Exfactor will come to the rescue some time this morning and go grocery shopping. I will be so happy to have cold milk again. I haven't had a tall glass to drink since last night and I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. 

The dog has decided to take advantage of the situation and is telling me that he wants to go out for a walk now. He is waiting very impatiently beside me after I told him to wait a minute. I suppose I will get dressed and comb my hair and take him out. The fresh air should do me good.

I'm off to start the day. Off I go on my jolly way. Not to be defeated. 


Monday, August 29, 2011

No zombies here...

I had planned to take an afternoon nap, but when I laid in bed willing myself to go to sleep, I realized that I was not really all that tired and that falling asleep was not on the program. I was much too alert for a good slumber, so I got up and made myself a pot of coffee. At least it would straighten out my brain and help me write a blog post.

The coffee tastes very good and is doing wonders for my thinking capacities. Whatever cobwebs may have been hiding in the nooks and crannies of my mind are pretty much gone now, yet I feel mellow enough to sit here with all the peacefulness that I long for. I've got the best of two worlds and I'm going to enjoy this moment extra much and for as long as I can.

The domestic help has been here and cleaned the apartment and for a change I was not burdened by her presence. That has to do with my own attitude and nothing she did differently. I'm just more relaxed now and not so on edge and impatient. I don't feel like my space is being invaded and can share it easier with someone else. 

That's all due to the tranquilizers that allow the best in me to come out. It's a great relief. I'm not a dull person because of them. On the contrary, I undertake much more. I'm more animated and more industrious, but very calm and contend. 

I have to get used to me being this way. I still have a tendency to get worried that I'll get stressed in a situation, but then I remember that I won't be and relax again. It's a very pleasant way to exist.

I've got to watch the news now. It's already started. I must stay well informed. 

Have a good evening all of you.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Conflicting messages...

I had to make myself a cup of coffee because as I sat here reading blogs and leaving comments, my eyes started to fall shut. It was not my intention to go to sleep at this time of the evening because it is way too early. I've got to wait a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed. 

The coffee is perking me up and with another cup I should be alright again and I won't be in danger of falling asleep. I can postpone putting on my pajamas and bathrobe and stay dressed like an ordinary person a while longer. If I put my pajamas on now, there will be too much temptation to go to bed early. I'm trying to prevent that. 

I've still got three chores to do before I call it quits for the evening. They will be done in no time at all because they are fairly simple ones. I've done the most complicated ones yesterday. It's nice to save the easy ones for Sundays. 

I must try to remember that for future weekends in case I'm ever tempted to put anything off until the last minute. I will remember that I like this system much better and that it pays to do the majority of the work on Saturdays. 

But now that I'm taking my tranquilizers during the day, I'm not intimidated by the chores anymore and don't have to put them off until the last minute. I just do them because I no longer feel the stress that I used to feel in anticipation. 

The tranquilizers reduce my stress levels and the coffee screws my head on straight. It's a great combination. One does not eliminate the working of the other and I'm no longer sleepy headed. I can now stay up and watch the news while still being very calm. 

The best thing is that I again enjoy my own company and don't mind being alone. Solitariness is now a very welcome thing, as long as the dog and the cat are around. I don't have to have long conversations and don't have much to say anyway. Whatever I have to say, I say here and that's enough. 

I really appreciate silence and solitude right now and can sit in my armchair for a long time without any noise or activity. I just enjoy the peace and quiet and the sense of being me without the stress.

I will now go and do my chores. I'm in the right frame of mind for them and it will feel good to have them done. 

I hope you'll all have a pleasant Sunday evening.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Who told me it was time to get up?

By my standards, it's still relatively early in the morning, especially for a Saturday morning when I can really sleep as late as I want. I've already been up for a while and have had my cups of coffee and am about to drink my first glass of milk. 

That will be my first meal today because I can't stand the thought of food first thing in the morning. Unless I was going to a Denny's in California and got to order a complete American breakfast, but how am I going to manage to eat that with a gastric band? There would be much drooling over the food and little actual eating and most of it would go to waste. 

You see how I do a lot of wishful thinking and in my head create situations that don't remotely have the chance of taking place so I'm worrying for nothing. I'll just stick to my glass of milk. Another problem has been helped out of this world. Everything should be solved as easily, but then again, maybe it can be. Who knows if much of what I want isn't actually wishful thinking? 

I do have a tendency to get caught up in trains of thought that are complete fantasies and that have nothing to do with reality. I suppose you could call that ordinary daydreaming, but I find it to be a waste of time that leads you nowhere and only takes you down the wrong path. It's best not to go there at all and to stay in the here and now. 

Today I have to try and take care of a couple of chores. It's for the sake of my own peace of mind that I'll do them. I'll be able to relax better for the rest of the day once they are done. That's why it's important that I stay up now and don't go back to bed. I will save whatever need for sleep I have left in me for my afternoon nap and that will be in a bed with clean sheets. 

I'm yawning something awful, but must completely ignore it and get the show on the road. The first thing I'll do is take the dog for a walk. The cold air will do me good.  It's not going to be a warm day today and we may even get some more rain. We had rain and thunderstorms yesterday. They were quite spectacular. 

Have a good Saturday you all. 


Monday, August 22, 2011

Getting out on the right side of my bed...

Despite the relative early hour of the morning, I find myself awake now and more then willing and able to start the day. I had planned on sleeping much later than this and I'm pleasantly surprised that my brain, in all its nooks and crannies, has so few cobwebs in it and is so alert already. 

I certainly don't begrudge myself this state of mind and can only welcome it and hope it means that I will have a good Monday. Isn't that funny? Here it is the first day of the week and I'm in a terrific mood and eager to start the day. That's a totally new development. Maybe I'm entering a new stage in my life. One in which I will like weekdays. 

Ha ha, just the thought of it! That would be new and exciting. It would give my life a whole different outlook. I would love it if I could learn to like weekdays. Imagine having the whole weekend to look forward to them and then getting to enjoy them for five whole days. That would be something. It would be too good to be true. 

The dog is sound asleep on the area rug behind me. He's used to me getting up much later, so he's not ready to go for a walk. He will be mighty surprised when I take him in a little while. Some rain is predicted for this morning, so I have to go before it starts. Without meaning to rush, I end up having to anyway. I thought I had lots of time. Clouds are moving in already. 

I hope you'll all have a glorious day. 



Sunday, August 21, 2011

Toppling out of my chair and other dangers...

Despite the fact that I exhausted myself with hanging out behind the computer obsessively today, I found myself lying in bed unable to go to sleep. I tried it for over an hour, but then got up and decided to try it again later when maybe I am even more exhausted. 

I'm purposely not having any coffee now, as is my usual habit to, and am instead drinking cold milk which will be mellow on my brain. Caffeine would wake me up too much and keep me awake for hours, although it would get me in an excellent mood, but I'm in a good enough mood right now, so I think I will not try to artificially alter it.

I'm very mellow and slightly sleepy headed and there's something that can be said for this state of mind. It certainly is one of calm serenity. I will have to check my vital signs of life for activity any minute now. I hope I'll still feel a heartbeat and not to shallow a breath. I do want to be attentive yet. Some brain activity would be good too. A comatose condition would not be good until I'm back in bed. 

Oh for God's sake, I'm yawning something awful. I must make a cup of coffee if I'm going to sit here and finish this post...

All done, and now I can wake up a little bit. Not too much, but just enough not to topple out of this chair or end up with my forehead on the keyboard. These are the dangers of late night blogging that nobody warns you about. You have to find them out on your own. 

Little by little I'm coming to my senses and the sleepiness is clearing up. I'm still yawning, but they are the last vestiges of sleep. I feel my mood soaring to new heights and I'm getting my second wind. This promises something for tonight. I will have to keep myself occupied for a while before I go back to bed. It's too bad that I'm all finished changing the layouts to my blogs because it would be perfect to work on them for a bit now. 

I will see what other sorts of interesting things I can keep my mind occupied with until I'm ready to go to sleep again. It is apparent now that I'm in a good mood and that I mustn't let it go to waste. It's too bad that these things strike me at night when I ought to be asleep. At least tomorrow is Sunday when I can do what I want and sleep late. I will take full advantage of that. 

I hope you're all having a good night and a great weekend. 



Saturday, August 20, 2011

Black and white thinking...

I can't tell you anything much more exciting than that I've just taken the dog for a walk around the fields and that it's warm outside so it's not a good idea to dally around. It's much nicer to be in the relative coolness of the apartment, even though that's where the chores are that need to get done. 

However, I'm very good at ignoring them until the last minute and that's what I will do now. I'll close my eyes to anything that's unpleasant and only concentrate on what I see in my immediate sphere of influence. That limits the irritation input quite a bit and lowers the stress level. The fact that I've taken two tranquilizers a while ago also helps. 

As you can tell, I'm trying to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. That's because my mood is not all that great and hasn't been since yesterday evening, although it may have started going downhill before that time. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint the exact moment when it all collapses. 

I think it may have been in the afternoon when I unsuccessfully tried to take a nap and woke up grouchy. I've been trying to reset the gears in my mind ever since but I've been unable to yet. I think they need a good bang and a shaking to start working properly again. I think I've got stuck in the wrong attitude. 

The tranquilizers help tremendously and make me feel ever so much calmer than I really am. It's too bad that they don't reset the gears. They just soften the crunching noise of them. I'm grateful for them because they allow me to sit here so relatively serenely and write this post. In my present state of mind, I wish to take them always. 

They allow me to stay in the moment better and to not anticipate all sorts of future problems, be they only in the very near future, say an hour from now. Staying in the immediate moment is very pleasant. It takes away all sorts of free floating stress and freely flying about anxiety that hits you about the head at unforeseen moments. 

I have to try and get in better shape than this. I mean me without the tranquilizers. I have to try and get back to the condition I was in a few days ago when all was well with the world. I did have a general sort of optimism then. I didn't see the glass nearly empty like I do now. I saw the glass damn near full. 

I feel like I ought to write something very cheerful now. I'll tell you that the sun is shining and that there's not a cloud in the sky. How's that? 


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I need a cup of coffee...

The dog and I went for a long walk this afternoon in the warm sunshine. We came home very hot and bothered and needed some time to recuperate and cold stuff to drink. The dog laid down on the cool linoleum in the hallway and I laid down on my bed in the cool bedroom. 

After about an hour, I was sufficiently operable again, but the dog is still taking a nap and I don't really know if he is quite himself yet. He has moved around so I know he's not comatose. He's just not showing any interest in anything. 

This morning I trimmed the hair around his eyes and it was so funny afterwards to see both his eyes look at me all big and round and not have the spiky hair be in the way. I imagined that he got a better look at the world. His hair grows quickly and I have to keep track of it carefully. Before you know it, he's looking through the woods again. 

I drank the last of the coffee this morning and have been drinking green tea with lemon since then. I must say that right now, I do miss the coffee and really could use a cup or two. I can't believe I forgot to put coffee on the shopping list. It's a weekly staple. 

Oh, the dog has gotten into action. He's just jumped on the dining table to look out the window. He must be fully recuperated then. That means we can have a good cuddle in a little while. I do feel the need for one. He can get on my lap and we can have a good smooch. 

I've got to watch the 6 o'clock news. We're having a minor political drama, so I have to get updated. 

Have a good evening.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sunday, early in the morning...

Apparently, I've slept long enough because I'm up bright eyed and bushy tailed, having my cups of coffee and feeling wide awake and ready to start the day. How this situation came about I don't quite know myself either, but I'll enjoy the moment while I can. I hope it lasts more than a moment, as a matter of fact. I hope the feeling lasts for the rest of the day because that would make me one happy camper. 

I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and the animals are sound asleep in various spots in the living room. It's too early for them to start the day. They are used to me getting up much later than this. I don't mind the temporary peace and quiet this gives me. At least I don't have to get into action yet and toss balls and pour dishes of milk. I do it with love, but sometimes I like a time out. 

It was raining when I got up and rain is predicted for the rest of the day. I really don't mind too much, except that I do have to go out in it this afternoon when I'm going to see my sister and her friend. I do know which outfit I'm going to wear today and it's something completely different than what I have been wearing. 

For a change I'm not going to be wearing one of my pairs of skinny jeans. I think the novelty of them has worn off by now and I'm ready to wear some of my other clothes. I'm ready to wear a dress again. I do first have to clean up all the clothes I've been wearing this past week and that are lying around in the bathroom. 

It's not as if I haven't got an organized closet to put them in and there's always laundry to do. Things can easily get washed if they're needed to. I've got about two loads to do and I will do them today. At least I'm in the mood for them. They will not be a horrible chore that I'm not looking forward to. In my present mood, I can handle laundry. Besides, it's usually one of my more favorite jobs. 

It's not very cold in here but I had to put my bathrobe on nevertheless. I think it is because it's so damp that it feels colder. We won't have any sunshine at all today and it will feel like fall out there. That means it's going to be dark in the living room and I will have to turn some lights on to make it cozy. 

I think I will get into action now and start cleaning up my clothes. At least I know that I won't run out of hangers. I've got enough of them. There's enough space on my shelves too since the purge. 

I hope you'll all have a good Sunday, although with a little bit of sunshine. 


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Coffee and tranquilizers...

I had already taken the tranquilizers and hoped they would do to get me over the stress, but they did not help me get over the foul mood I was in, so there was nothing else to do but make a pot of coffee also. I much regretted this because I didn't want to have to drink coffee at this time of the evening. 

Now, having had a mug of coffee, I can see the sense of it because I'm starting to feel a lot better and realize I should have done this much sooner. Like maybe two hours ago when I woke up from my second nap of the day. 

I feel that by all sorts of trickery I have to try and get into the right mood. If I just get the ingredients right maybe I will succeed. Sometimes I'm so low that I could scream and start tossing pieces of furniture around out of frustration. Mostly I crawl in bed and try to find my safety there. There's always salvation in sleep.

I'm struggling very hard with this depression. I hate the way it makes me feel. I so despise the feelings of despair. The sense that I'm at the end of the road and that there's nowhere left to go. 

I mustn't dwell on that too much. 

I think I will get ready for bed and try to sleep as long as possible. It seems like the most attractive option now. 

Have a good evening.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 


Friday, August 05, 2011

Thank goodness for small favors.

I had decided that I was too addicted to caffeine. That the state of my mind during the day (and the nights) was too much dependent on whether or not I'd had my cups of coffee. I was determined to so something about this because I decided that this was a bad thing, so overnight I stopped drinking coffee. 

This morning, when I woke up, I made myself a pot of green tea with lemon and was very sure that I wasn't going to miss the caffeine one bit. I drank the tea and it tasted nice, but it didn't do a thing for me. I had to wake up under my own powers. Luckily, I wasn't too grumpy or it would have been an awful ordeal. 

The Exfactor arrived and he drank some tea with me, but he had obviously been looking forward to a cup of coffee because the disappointment could be read on his face when I said I only had tea ready.

After he left, I made rooibos tea, but I was pretty sleepy headed. I had to try to stay alert because I was waiting for the domestic help to get here, but as soon as she left, I went to bed for a much needed nap. 

When I woke up a few hours later, I decided to make some coffee anyway because I realized I was trying to do things in the toughest way possible. I was going from one extreme to another, drinking a lot of coffee to not drinking any coffee at all and nothing in between. The way I always have a tendency to do things. 

I've had two cups of coffee and I must say that I feel a lot better now. I wasn't especially foul mooded before, but I wasn't perky either and now I'm in a good mood and alert. I know it's from the caffeine, but I'd hate to think how I would feel otherwise. I would most likely be like a damp dishrag, all limp and wrung out.

So, I suppose I'm going to be drinking coffee sometimes and tea at other times. I don't know how that will work out and what the ratio will be, but I will experiment with that. The trick is to drink less coffee than I was before. I should be able to manage that.

I'm so glad that I don't have to do without coffee completely. It was like a doomsday scenario. I thought it was like a punishment that I had inflicted upon myself and that I had to stick to no matter what. That's the black and white thinking I was caught up in. Real autistic thinking. I was taking things too seriously.

I'm always taking things too seriously and failing to see the humor in them. That's because I always take everything literally. It's a small flaw in my character. 

Have a good Friday and enjoy your weekend. 


Thursday, August 04, 2011

Forget about moodiness...

This morning, when I finally managed to get up, I was very grumpy and dreaded the day. I hadn't had my medicines yet and was in dire need of some cups of coffee. However, being so grumpy, I didn't realize that until I had taken my medicines and had the coffee. After that, I was doing so much better that it was a difference between night and day and I thought I had been in the depths of a depression. 

It goes to show you that you shouldn't draw your conclusions about your mood prematurely. That everything is very quickly changeable, as changeable as the Dutch weather and that you can go from one mood to another in the shortest amount of time. Nothing is permanent, especially not the mood you wake up with. It's just a temporary chemical imbalance that needs to be set straight.

This does bother me and I wish it wasn't so and that I was more predictable. I don't like waking up in a bad mood because it fools me every time. I never think it will get better. I think I'm doomed and will stay that way for the rest of the day and maybe permanently so. I try to imagine another kind of scenario but find it very difficult to. 

Anyway, now I feel better and I'm capable of thinking more positive thoughts, though I'm not quite ready to tackle the dishes yet. They do need to get done, I can't get out from underneath them. There really aren't that many, it's just the idea of them that I have a problem with. 

But I think I'm still seeing the shadow of 'the black dog.' He isn't quite gone from my life yet. He's walking around in the undergrowth and causing me some problems still and, although my medication has been increased, I think maybe it's not been enough yet. I'm going to have to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I'm living on the margins of maybe being okay sometimes and that's not close enough. 

Leave it to me to make this more serious than I had intended. I wanted to write something more lighthearted than this, but sometimes you have to put your thoughts down to get things clear for yourself in the process. Sometimes these blog posts are purely therapeutic in value. Very selfishly so. 

It's 80F outside and the sun is shining in an almost bright blue sky. We've finally got a summer's day. There's no breeze to speak of and the leaves on the trees are barely moving. It was very pleasant when I took the dog out for a walk. Tomorrow is going to be cooler and we may have some spotty showers. I won't hold my breath for them. 

Tonight the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be on. Mr Darcy is going to pop the question. Everybody will presumably live happily ever after, but we will never know. I sure hope so for their sake. I want to believe in romance to some extend. I do make the occasional exception with my cynical heart.

Have a great day.


Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Moodiness and coffee...

For some reason I woke up at a normal time this morning. I mean that I woke up at a time when other people do also. I didn't stay in bed until almost noon. This was so unusual, that I hardly knew what to do with myself, but I was wide awake. I hardly needed any coffee to get myself together either, I was quite capable of functioning on my own.

Needless to say, the dog and I went out for an early walk and that was quite pleasant because the weather was beautiful while there was still dew on the grass. We took a longer walk and took twice as long to take it because the dog had to sniff literally everywhere. It must have been because all the scents were fresh and new. So we dawdled a lot and took our time going home.

Once home again, I did little jobs to keep myself busy and out of trouble. I needed to keep myself occupied. As a consequence, I did every bit of laundry that I could find in the apartment and then some. If there was the remotest chance that something was dirty, it went in the washing machine until it was full and I could run it. 

Luckily, at one point the Exfactor showed up and I thought that would provide some diversion. However, all he wanted to do was tell me which films he showed and how many he changed in a night and how many he put together and took apart. No matter which subject I broached, it came back down to that. I'm having some serious doubts about him. 

Anyway, I sent him on his way with a shopping list and that went fine. He never forgets anything, but when he came back I was seriously yawning. I don't know if that was because of the conversation we'd had or because of the lack of sleep. 

After I unloaded the groceries and had one more cup of coffee with the Exfactor, I went to bed to take a nap and slept the whole afternoon. I woke up somewhat befuddled and in need of coffee, which I made immediately. I thought I was going to be in a very bad mood, but now that I've had the coffee, I'm in much better shape.

I haven't watched the news yet and I have no idea of what's going on in the world today. I feel badly informed and am going to have to watch the 8 o'clock news. I do know that Italy and Spain are paying too much interest on their debts. I did catch that on the radio. At this rate, we're going to be lending money to Italy too. It's a doomsday scenario. 

First I've got to take the dog for a walk. Dark clouds are moving in and it wouldn't surprise me if we got a rain shower. 

Have a nice evening.


Monday, August 01, 2011

Multiple cups of coffee...

For some reason the domestic help didn't show up this afternoon. In a way it was good because It gave me the opportunity to take a long nap. I needed it because I had gotten up early this morning after I had been up half the night. I was very tired and dragging my butt. The nap got me over the worst of it.

Needless to say, I needed lots of coffee when I got up. I was even in a bad mood when I first woke up and had to face the last little bit of the afternoon. As if it was such a huge undertaking. You'd have thought that somebody had asked me to walk a mile for a cigarette. I couldn't have been grumpier, but a cup of coffee got me over that quickly. 

I'm still yawning now, but I think that's a good sign. I assume that means that I'll sleep well tonight. I'll stop drinking coffee anyway and switch to cold milk. There's no need to get a caffeine high. 

I'm wearing my size 14 skinny jeans that I tried to shrink in very hot water, but they're still too big on me. I had to put a belt around them so they wouldn't keep sliding down my hips. I had to hitch them up continually. The belt is a good solution and now I feel at ease and like I can walk around normally. I can even jump up and down if I want to without embarrassing myself. Belts are great inventions. 

It was supposed to be a warm day today, but the sun didn't come out until some time in the afternoon. There was a cloud cover before that time and it was kind of chilly. It is just now getting pleasantly warm outside and the afternoon is almost over. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 83F, but I'll wait and see if that's really going to be the case or if half of the day is going to be cold again.

The dog is sound asleep beneath the dining table, oblivious of everything. I still have to take him for a walk and it will be nice to be out there in the sunshine. He was on the bed with me when I took my nap and I think he wasn't quite done sleeping when I got up. He's snoring now.

The cat slept beside my head on the pillow. She leaves just enough room for me to put my head down. Lying beside my pillow isn't good enough for her anymore. She has to get more up close and personal than that. She's a good cat, though, and I'm willing to share the space. As long as she doesn't fart. She does do that sometimes.

The sun is shining on the windows and I can see where the dog slobbered on them. I have to go and clean that up. It looks terrible and like someone doesn't care. 

Have a nice evening you all.