Holding my horses...

It's been impossible to write a post before this time, but don't ask me what I have been doing instead because I won't be able to answer you. I don't have much to show for my time, except that I can say that I have not wasted it and have been keeping myself occupied. I have been steadily working on my list of things to do and I've had appointments each day lately so I managed to stay out of trouble for he most part. 

The list of things to do is turning out to be a little tougher than I thought it was going to be. The items on there are not checked off that quickly because each time I'm running into a complication so things take twice as long. It's teaching me to be patient and take a long term view, but I think I already knew how to do that and really didn't need the lesson.

Having learned relaxation exercises does help me cut down on any stress I might feel because of this, so I'm not too aggrevated and manage to keep my head cool. I know everything will be resolved in the end. The end will just come a little later. I don't wish to feel stressed all day long and do take times out. There's a time to care and a time to relax. You can't have your bow pulled tight all the time, but I think that's a Dutch saying. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee instead of taking a nap. I thought it might be a good idea to have the caffeine and to last until tonight until I go to sleep. I'm thinking about stopping the sleeping pill. I've only got one left and it is of a very low dose. I will not get more and try to do without as of tomorrow. That does mean that I have to start doing without my afternoon nap. I've got to get off the sleeping pills sooner or later. 

It's been raining on and off since Sunday. Sometimes huge showers let enormous amounts of rain fall from the sky. Luckily, I haven't been caught in one of these yet. The dog and I have only gotten a little wet during our walks. It was impossible to see Venus transit in front of the sun. There were too many clouds. 

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

Some coffee first, please...

I had to bring myself back to life with a cup of coffee before I could even think about writing this post. I was in sorry shape. I had gotten there without me really realizing it until I noticed that I was yawning an awful lot and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. 

Luckily, a pot of coffee was quickly made and cup even more quickly poured. I drank it in a hurry and I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm not quite back to normal, but I'm on my way and expect to be in great shape in just a little while. I have to be patient enough to let the caffeine do its work and it will do that as if by magic. 

Aren't I always the eternal optimist? Just give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and all will be well in my world. There's not much that can go wrong then. I do have a tendency to live in the moment and not think ahead too much. Whatever goes well now is of importance. I'll see about the rest later. 

The Exfactor was here this morning and put some order to the spare bedroom and he will be emptying it on Thursday. I'm so glad about that because I thought it was never going to happen. I'm happy that he finally gave me a day on which it is going to take place. There are a lot of things to move and he's done the preperatory work. I will have to do some sorting myself too and make sure that everything that needs to go actually does.

It does remind me to never save anything that I have any doubts about. If it's not absolutely necessary that I keep it, out it goes immediately. There will be no more spare room to put it in. I will have to be ruthless about making my choices. Life is about holding things down to the bare minima anyway. It doesn't pay to hang on to obsolete items. That's just so much bagage that you don't need to carry around with you. 

It was a lovely day today. We had sunshine and great temperatures. It was warmer today than it was yesterday. It was very nice to take the dog for a walk, especially if we stayed out of the shade which we did for the most part. The hedges are green now and there are birds hiding in them. There are also bees buzzing around and daisies and dandelions in the grass.  The fruit trees are also blooming.

Because I have the windows open. I hear the birds start to sing very early in the morning before it gets light. It's a joyous sound and makes me happy. It's nice to fall back asleep to. That's an understatement. 

Well, I'm all done getting back to normal now and I will end this post. I can't blather on forever. 

I hope you'll all have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 

Ciao,

Nora

Aiming for homeruns...

I slept very deep and soundly until I woke up because I had to go to the toilet. Much to my consternation, but not surprisingly, I turned out to be quite awake after that and the dog had to go out back for a piddle. The cold air got rid of whatever remainder of sleep was left in my head and I had to put on my bathrobe to get warm again. Coffee was quickly made and a cup easily downed. That almost completed the waking up process.

I'm working on my third cup now and have finished what was in the pot, yet I'm still yawning. Those must be the last vestiges of sleep I have in me and that stubbornly hang on. At least I'm not yawning as severely and dangerously as when I first got up. It is abating a bit now. I also don't have tears running down my face like I sometimes do. Everything is under control. After this last cup of coffee I will be right as rain. The caffeine will have caught up with me. 

It's with some amount of joy that I sit here and realize that today is Sunday. It will officially be my day off and I have done most of my chores yesterday. I only have a small stack of mail to look through, but there shouldn't be any surprises in it. I don't expect any bills. It is all innocuous mail that's easily dealt with. I no longer have the fear of mail that I used to have and I empty the mailbox almost every day. As a rule, half the time there's nothing really important in it and sometimes there's a nice surprise. Yes, those do exist too. 

I will dress up in my finest and pretend I have some place special to go to. You never know when the queen will summon me to have a cup of tea with her. There will be cultural programs on TV and speed skating from Russia. The weather should be good and I will take the dog for a longer walk, providing he co-operates and doesn't stubbornly stop at every tree and bush and blade of grass. My patience does wear thin after a while. I'm not the angelic figure I pretend to be. 

I have not made good yet my intention to pick out a novel from the bookcase. It quite frankly slipped my mind, showing you that reading doesn't take a high priority on my list of things to do. I must not have the right mind set. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching inane programs on TV. That's how lazy I get. I even like how irritated I get with them and find myself making negative remarks about them out loud. That must serve a purpose somehow. It probably makes me feel superior. I really do need to read a good book. A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must get back to bed. It's time to get the rest of my sleep under the comfortable duvet. The next time I'm up, it will be morning and the sun will be up too. Hopefully, the day will be bright and full of promise. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Kindly spirited...

When I wake up from my afternoon nap, I always feel very kindly towards the world and all the people in it. I have a totally untroubled mind. If anybody calls me at that time, I am all sweetness and I have all the patience needed to have whatever conversation is necessary. 

This mood lasts about an hour. By that time I have taken my evening dose of medicines and I am in another kind of good mood that is almost equally nice, but I'm not as sweet and patient anymore. I've got more stress by that time, having been awake long enough to have the reality of life penetrate my mind again.

Not that my reality is such an awful one. It is all in my imagination. It is my own fearful heart that makes it look that way. My reality is actually quite simple, but something in me doesn't experience it that way and sees bogeymen in every corner.

It's a terrible thing to live with a fearful heart because it prevents you from living life with full enjoyment. It's much better to be untroubled like that person who just woke up from her nap and who exists in the world like a newborn child. Unafraid. 

It's very possible that newborn children are not at all unafraid and that some of them have their fears too. If so, I may have been one of them. My mother told me once that I sure did an awful lot of crying when I was a baby. I may have been uneasy all alone in my crib. I wanted to be held by my father. 

I wonder what happens to you when you take that afternoon nap to make you feel so untroubled and kind? It must be a very soothing thing to do. It must be very good for your wellbeing. I wonder if people in southern countries don't have the right idea when they take their siestas. Or don't they do that any longer in today's society? I must ask my sister's Italian friend, but he's from Milan and that's in northern Italy. It may not be a custom there. 

I would always like to have the innocence I have when I wake up from my afternoon nap and to be so nonjudgmental.  It would be a lot easier to live with myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

More coffee, please!

I'm brewing a pot of coffee and I have to be patient for just a little while. It will be done in the shortest amount of time. That's the drawback of having an ordinary coffeemaker, that you do have to wait, even if it really isn't for such a long time, but I am a modern human being and I want instant gratification. It's as simple as that. Even I at my age am a product of this era and I want everything available instantly.

That makes me sound like an impatient person and I'm really not. I can have infinite amounts of patience and wait endlessly for some things, but when it comes to the little comforts in life, I guess I'm not patient at all.

In the meantime, I have my cup of coffee and I can get on with things. I don't want to get bogged down in a treatise about patience and the virtue thereof and the benefits for those who wait. Much has been written about it already. You sure don't need my two cents worth on it. 

I've slept well, but I don't know if I've slept long enough. I had some trouble falling asleep last night and I got up after lying in bed feeling very bored and trimmed the hair around Tyke's eyes so he would be able to see better. I imagined that he was very grateful for that and as a result he wanted lots of cuddles and petting, so I laid in bed and provided that for half an hour.

My stomach was upset because of the fruit juice that I had just before I went to bed and I was forced to drink a glass of milk to settle it. That did help. I listened to an interesting political discussion on the radio and slowly drifted off to sleep. I won't get into the long, drawn out subject of the political discussion. A not so popular solution was found to solve a problem that could have ended the majority rule of the government. The opposition is digging in. Swords are being sharpened. There will be a debate. It will lead to nothing. 

That's not such an upbeat subject to blog about. Let's change it to something else. 

Contrary to what I thought, I don't have any appointments today, so today is a day off. I will do laundry and take a shower and wash my hair and generally try to stay out of trouble. I think I will go back to bed in a while and sleep some more. I have the feeling that I'm not quite done yet. I always do get sleepy after I've taken my morning medication anyway, which I just did. 

I can't drink another sip of coffee, I'm so full. My gastric band must have shifted, because lately I've been getting that feeling quickly. Or maybe I just don't handle coffee as well as I used to. I'll switch to milk and see if that makes any difference.

This is turning into a boring account of nothing special at all, so I'm going to end it now and go back to bed. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

Another fine morning.

I've just made myself another cup of coffee to get the sluggishness out of my system that is usually there in the morning when I first have gotten up. I'm very much looking forward to the day when it won't be there. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to have to take a proactive stand in that and make the decision about that myself. Yes, I think that will be best.

I'm almost out of tobacco and must go to the tobacconist right away at 8:30. I also have to remember to buy some lighters, because I'm using matches now and they don't work very well. They are inferior matches.

There's nothing like a few cups of coffee to set your world right. It can change your whole outlook on life. That is, as long as you don't dig too deep. You just have to stay near the surface. That's where I've been keeping myself for years now. Living a shallow life. Trying not to feel anything too much, but being overwhelmed by my feelings anyway as if they were a disease that needed to be cured.

Not too long ago I asserted that I didn't need too much coffee to keep me going during the day, but lately I've been finding that the opposite is true. Well, I need about 5 or 6 cups, although very often I don't finish all of them and have to throw the last bit away because it is cold, and they are really mugs, not cups. That's why the coffee always ends up getting cold. A mug is too much and a cup is not enough. I do have a "mup" that's just right.



I went to the tobacconist with Tyke and forgot to buy lighters. I tore the apartment upside down to look for some and found a box of better matches, but it's a small box. I called the Exfactor, who had said he might be by today, to bring me a lighter, but now he's not sure if he's coming. I'll have to go back to the store to buy lighters and I am not amused. I'm having a hard time understanding the Exfactor on my mobile phone and it sounds like he is mumbling, when I say that I can't understand him, he mumbles louder. I also don't understand my psychiatrist who always insists on calling me on my mobile phone instead of my land line. It sounds like he is whispering. Now I don't know if I need to have my ears checked or if it is their problem.

Gandhi barfed on the stove. Tyke tore my whole Trivial Pursuit game apart in the bedroom and it is all over the place. I can just get a trash bag and throw it all away. I haven't done any cleaning, nor have I done the dishes. I am out of patience and out of energy and I need a vacation. I want to run away from home. Instead of that, I will clean up the cat barf and clean up my bedroom and do the dishes and dust my computer desk, but that will be it.

So, I better get to it then. There is no rest for the wicked. There is only postponement.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting Better...

I still have a head cold and I am somewhat congested in my chest, but I really think I'm getting better. At least I don't feel like a wrung out dishrag and my body doesn't ache all over the place anymore. I think the worst of the flu is over now and that I'm mending, and I tell you, that's not a day too soon, because yesterday I became pretty disgusted with it. I saw all the things I had to do and felt my inability to do them and was very frustrated.

I also felt bad about not being able to take Tyke for a walk and now I think that is one of the first things I will do this morning. I will not go for a real long walk, but long enough for both of us to get some exercise and fresh air, which we both need, because we've both got cabin fever. It will be wonderful to be outside in the cool morning air and to stretch my legs and get some exercise after being immobile for the last few days. I think yesterday afternoon was the turning point and I started getting better from that moment on.

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk after I've had my obligatory cup of coffee. I've been drinking a lot of cold milk lately, because the fruit juice made my stomach sour. The cold milk quenched my eternal thirst really well and I drank it greedily. I know it's not supposed to be the thing to drink when you have a cold because of the mucous build up, but it doesn't seem to hurt me and it sure has quenched my thirst these past days. I've never been so thirsty and the fruit juice upset my stomach.

I have drank very little coffee, just a cup now and then, and I haven't missed it very much. I certainly did not go through withdrawal symptoms. I thought about drinking tea, but for some reason tea doesn't seem to settle in my stomach well and I don't know if that is because I take sugar in it. I have to try it without the sugar sometime.

While I was asleep, Tyke completely tore apart the hyacinths that my sister had bought me and broke one of the pots. The soil was spread all over the place and I had to sweep it up in the middle of the night. I have to replant them later this morning and find a new pot for one of them and then place them on the windowsill in the kitchen where he can't get to them. He had no sense that he had done anything wrong when I scolded him, so that was an exercise in futility. He was very curious when I cleaned everything up.

The hyacinths themselves are okay. He didn't bite them to pieces. I suppose this is what life is like with a pubertal dog. There will be another year of this before he has completely outgrown this kind of behavior. I have to have an awful lot of wits and patience in the meantime. A dog like that dares you to love him in spite of everything. And you do.

In comparison, it's so much easier to have cats, although they have a tendency to shred your furniture, but they usually stick to one piece. They do it no matter how many scratching posts you have. They are very good at ignoring those, even if they are quite appealing. I'm afraid to get a new sofa, or I should say, the sofa of my choice, because of what Gandhi will do to it. I think I will not get a new sofa until I have no more cats. That should be in another 6 years or so. I hope my sofa lasts that long.

Having been sick, and nearly being over it, sure makes me appreciate my health very much. I can't wait to start doing some ordinary things like hanging up the laundry to dry. That was still impossible yesterday, but I think I can manage it today. I won't be able to hang it outside, because we're expecting rain, even though the temperature is going to be nice at 9C. That would be warm enough to dry the laundry.

We're expecting rain for the next few days and it really doesn't bother me that much, as long as it's not cold and it doesn't turn into snow. There's no chance of that, however. I think we've left all of that behind us. I keep focusing on the idea that we're moving towards spring now and that nothing can stop that movement. It's the law of nature.

Tyke is very innocently sleeping by my feet. You'd think he'd never done a bad thing in his life, that he was the best puppy ever, that's how adorable he looks, all rolled up in a ball. Puppies look adorable so we forgive them their evil deeds. It works the same way with little kids. We love our children in spite of the fact that they drive us nuts, because they are so adorable. We don't understand that other people think our children are spoiled brats. Luckily, they get over this stage and turn into normal children.

Okay. I'm going to do some useful things now. I think I'll sweep the junk room and find a bag to put the cat litter bag in to. More and more cat litter is spilling out. I hope I'm not being overly optimistic as to my capacity to do things. I do so want to get the show on the road. And you know what they say: where there's a will, there's a way!

Ciao,
Nora