Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Both feet on the ground...

One good thing about having quit almost all the tranquilizers is that I no longer sit here in the middle of the night higher than a kite and getting even more so because I'm drinking coffee. Nowadays, I'm pretty down to earth and mostly myself and not under the influence. 

At least, hardly any at all. I will stop taking the last tranquilizer tonight (Tuesday) when I go to bed. I will notice that I did for the first couple of days and will be a little bit off course, but I will recuperate soon enough and being off course doesn't have to be all unpleasant (I may be a little exuberant). 

It's a relief not to be high because I thought that was intrinsic to me and it's nice to find out that it was because of the tranquilizers. It certainly took me long enough to put two and two together. I always thought I was in a hypo-manic state in the middle of the night. 

It's a pleasure to find out that I'm not and that I'm as normal as anybody else. Especially since there's not such a huge difference compared to how I am when I wake up in the morning. I'm not like two different people.

I woke up yesterday morning to the alarm clock and it agreed with me better than sleeping until I was done sleeping. I think I get too discombobulated when I do that and get too much sleep. 

Waking up to the alarm clock was better, as it made me alert immediately and I felt I had to get into action right away and plan my moves. I have set the alarm clock for this morning too, even though I can sleep late. I just don't want to.

I have opened all the windows in the apartment at the top to air the place out properly and because there's a strong wind blowing due to the tail end of the hurricane that came off the Atlantic Ocean.

There's a strong enough draft blowing through here now and it smells a lot better in the living room. All that stale smoky air is gone. I'm going to keep the windows open this season as long as I can and hope for regular winds. 

It was sunny when I walked the dog yesterday, but because the wind was blowing, it felt quite blustery and I could imagine myself at the seaside. I like this kind of weather. It agrees with me quite well and this is what I like about autumn. 

The wind gives you a sense of freedom. It blows all your dark thoughts away and cleanses you from any worries you may have. I also like the way the sunlight is coming in at a lower angle. It seems less harsh and more comforting. 

I think I'm an autumn type of person and I always forget that about myself. It surprises me every year. Every year I make the same discovery. I should know this by now. I should know that I like the season of my birthday. 

It's time to go back to bed for a while with a glass of ice cold milk.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting caught up...

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I'm done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I'm having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I'll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I'm going to be up for a while and that I'm not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I've had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I've turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it's Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can't sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don't sit down together and do that. It's a case of mental block on my part. 

Onward I go. I must answer emails. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Untitled...

I have a good old case of writer's block. I have been sitting here looking at this blank page for an hour and a half and could not even come up with a title, let alone some subject to write about. I slept very deeply way into the afternoon and was awakened by the sound of the telephone, or so I thought. I stumbled out of bed, but heard nothing, and I have been sitting here ever since trying to gather my thoughts together with the help of cups of coffee and cigarettes.

I was up earlier in the morning, but threatened to end up in a very bad mood for lack of sleep, so I went back to bed immediately. That was the smartest thing I could have done, if I had stayed up, I would have been in bad shape by now. I don't know what shape I'm in now, I have no idea. I can't figure out my mood. I think I'm still not properly awake yet and that it's going to take some more coffee before I find out. I have the best of intentions, but the road to hell is paved with them. 

When I was a teenager, and I slept late like this, I had a heck of a time coming to my senses and I could not be talked to for the first hour that I was up because I was in a stupor. My mother was so incredibly cheerful and I just sat there silently and drank my coffee, trying to remember who I was. It's awful to be talked to cheerfully when you yourself aren't. It makes you extra grumpy. 

So, I must be like that teenager now and really need my time to come to my senses and be in a stupor when I wake up so late. At least I don't have any cheerful people around me. I'm spared that, but I do have these cheerful animals who are innocent as to my morning mood and who have no idea that I'm a slow starter, although I think Gandhi is more aware of it than Tyke is. She's very thoughtful when she moves around me. She's all delicateness. Tyke is all awkward paws and slobbery kisses and barks and talks. He does give me a lot of leeway and doesn't get obnoxious until his bladder really stands to burst. Like right now. 

For a change it wasn't that cold outside. It's 52F and the wind was blustery, but not unpleasant. The sun is even peeking through the clouds. Someone said it's going to be another cold winter like we had last year, but I forgot who it was. I must have read it on one of the blogs. Don't say you heard it here first, because I don't know if it's true. I hope to God it's not true, because that's one thing I'm not prepared for. 

I must go back to sleep because I'm falling asleep behind the computer. It's taking me a while to recuperate from this hypo manic episode.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

It didn't quite work out...

Well, I tried to publish my second to last Wordpress post over here, but it wouldn't let me copy and paste it, so that didn't work out at all. It was an important post, so I would really appreciate it if you went over and read it anyway, even though I am back here in Blogger country. Then you would at least know what happened to me over the last 4 days and I would hope that you would gain some understanding from it. I need for as many people as possible to know what happens to me, so that everyone will be aware and can warn me if they see a certain kind of behavior. I was extremely hypo manic for 2 days, then I was very depressed and anxious for a day and a half, and now I am okay again, close to what's normal for me. I didn't work this out until early this afternoon.

I just got back from walking Tyke and we ran into a woman with two French bulldogs. Tyke thought that was great and wanted to follow them home. He doesn't care about beauty, he only cares about friendship and these girls were friendly and very interested in him. He wants to be friends with every dog he sees, but often owners are neurotic about their dog getting close to another dog. I don't know what they think is going to happen.

Hey, I should be happy now. I'm back at Blogger and I've got that fairly nice template and I'm over the worst of my weekend. But I liked my last template at Wordpress too and am now convinced that with something very simple you can make quite an impression. It's all about the lay out and the colors and the balance between things and I'm going to look into that some more, but not stay up all night. Save me from staying up a whole night.

Well, this is just a little "hello, I'm back post." I've written all I could in that Wordpress post. I gave it my all. I hope you're happy that I'm here again.

Ciao,

Nora

Don´t complain!

I´m having withdrawal symptoms again. At least I assume that´s what they are. My life is quickly falling apart and my emotions are in an uproar. I´m trying to stay sane and rational and not intimidated by what is happening to me. The hardest part is going through this alone, because I so very much would like someone´s shoulder to cry on. I guess that´s what I want to do more than anything, is cry and cry and not be brave at all like I feel I have been this past week.

A lot of times I act as if everything is okay when really it isn´t, I don´t know if you can tell that. I keep being cheerful when I don´t really feel cheerful at all. I´ve been worried about my medication this past week, if I´m taking too much of some or too little of the other and I don´t really trust my psychiatrist to know that. I think he made a blunder this week and that has caused a dent in my confidence in him.

I´ve been feeling awfully tired these past days, although I have been out and about in the fresh air. I thought springtime would give me lots of energy, but I´m not having any. The time I feel best is late at night again, when it is dark out and the world is quiet and silent and at rest. That´s new, after sleeping so well for two weeks. I wish I could always be a night person and only marginally participate during the day. Unfortunately, I have to take my nighttime medicines and they do drive me to bed at a certain hour. It´s all medicine I hope to do without some day.

Maybe this is not withdrawal, maybe this is just a plain old case of unhappiness and disappointment for not having the road that I travel be as smooth as I had anticipated and for feeling very lonely in the whole process. I always think that everything should be a nonstop upward movement, but for some reason it doesn´t work that way and you climb the hill and roll down it before you get up and start climbing it again. I don´t know why this is so and why this is necessary. Somebody will have to explain that process to me in logical terms. This really mystifies me. It seems to work that way for everything, even when you think it ought not to, when it is pure science, although when applied to people it never is.

The problem is, that I´ve come to see my emotions as pathologically wrong and put labels on them, instead of just seeing them as emotions that all people have. I have decided not to do that anymore and, for instance, never to use the term hypo-mania again to describe an excited mood that I may find myself in. That way it´s not a psychiatric condition and it doesn´t need a medication to be cured, because a mood like that usually clears up by itself and for all I know I´m doing something that millions of people around the world do every day spontaneously. I mustn´t mistake happiness and excitement for an illness and allow it to be killed by drugs, so that I will be mentally straight jacketed and subdued.

I´m feeling better for having written this down and knowing that it will have a few readers who will hopefully understand. It takes a diversity of people to make the world go round and if we medicate everybody who falls outside the norm, we´ll have a lot of drugged up people. Cure the part that hurts and leave the rest alone.

Ciao,
Nora

Another Depression?

I'd been putting off calling my psychiatrist, but finally went ahead and did it anyway, because I felt myself falling in the clutches of another depression. I was apathetically sitting on the sofa, smoking cigarettes, looking at a cup of cold coffee, and thinking about all the things I needed to get done, knowing I wasn't able to do them. Whatever energy and interest I needed to get them done, wasn't there and I knew I wasn't going to find them. I felt like a brain dead sack of potatoes and not the least bit of a glimmer of excitement shone through anywhere. My thoughts were morbid and dark and everything cost me enormous amounts of effort. Making a new cup of coffee was too much work.

I called my psychiatrist to confer with him about what to do next, which was the smartest move I made today, besides going back to bed early this morning and sleeping a few more hours. I explained my situation to him and I said that I realized that it was normal to be tired after a mania, but that now I was slipping into a depression. He listened to me explain my symptoms and agreed. Then he asked me what I thought was the wisest thing to do and I answered that we should lower my antipsychotic medication and my Oxazepam and he said that he agreed with that completely. The antipsychotic medication prevents you from becoming manic, but once that's over, it has a tendency to depress your mood and make you morose and the same thing counts for the Oxazepam. He said to lower the antipsychotic medication first and see how I felt then and to then start lowering the Oxazepam a little bit at the time. It means I will start taking the antipsychotic medication at night again when it will help me sleep, instead of three times during the day.

This gives me some amount of hope, although I don't know how I will do on a lower dose of medication. If it will make me not depressed, I will be very happy about that, because the kind of shape I'm in now is not okay. The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I was not able to have a normal conversation with him, it was too much work and it was rather awkward, because it looked like I was not happy to see him and that was not at all the impression I wanted to give. My brain was not functioning to the point that it could carry on an animated conversation and I sat there like a deaf and dumb person who had nothing to say that was of any interest. I will call him in a while and explain what the problem was.

In the meantime, to get some life back into myself, I am listening to this singer and I hope her happy music will penetrate my dull skull and bring some animation in it. I've also found the strength to make myself a cup of coffee, so thank goodness for small favors.

I need my energy today, because I've got to write some Christmas cards and I have to wrap up books that I will have to send out tomorrow or Monday, depending on when I have my money. I've got to do groceries and have been trying to get a hold of my sister to find out when she is going shopping with her car so I can go with her. I've also got to give her her birthday present which finally arrived in the mail. I have to buy three books of stamps. One for inside the country, one for inside Europe and one for overseas. Is this boggling your mind? You can't just stick any old stamp on an envelope. Or a combination of.

I've got to walk the dog. The snow is almost all gone, but right now it's freezing again. The dog may not want to go out, it's nice and warm in here. We have to go brave the elements, though. We're just like the mailman, neither rain nor snow...

I think maybe I'm going to be okay in the end. I hope lowering the medication works and that it doesn't work too well. As in, "Hi, here I am manic again!" I will be the last to know. I'll blame it on my vitamins again.

Ciao,
Nora

As I was saying...

I was so rudely interrupted by myself and my sudden need for sleep that I didn't even get to write a decent post. I never write such little bitty things as that! Jeez, it's almost something to be embarrassed about. I went to bed and slept another 5 hours and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. I felt well rested and like a whole new woman. I was ready to tackle the world again, which is no wonder if you've slept so little in the past two days and you're finally caught up again.

I can admit to myself now, and see it clearly, that I was manic, and here I thought for sure that it was because of the vitamin pills that I felt so well. I was convinced of that. I think I've gotten over it now, but I still have that happy feeling and if I don't, I'll just go to sleep until I have it back again. I'm playing my music as I type this and as long as I want to listen to music, all is well with the world. I'm listening to dEUS. The best Belgian Rock Group. Yes, they do have those in Belgium, besides having very good beer of which Palm is one of the best. You heard it here first.

My SPN called me to remind me of our appointment and I said I couldn't come because I was manic and that I was asleep finally.That took her aback, because the last time she talked to me I was deeply depressed. She asked me how much antipsychotic medication I took and when I told her she said that we couldn't increase it, which I already knew. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was sleep. I told her that I was seeing my psychiatrist next week, which is good, because she is going on holidays herself now until after New Year's. I hope I'm not going to be like a bouncy ball, up and down. That would be horrible. I hope this was just a big low followed by a big high and that is it. I hope I'm evened out now. I still feel like undertaking things, but in a much slower pace.

My friend Lucienne called me a while ago and sounded very down. I wanted to give her some of my energy, but I am unable to. I can't get her motivated to undertake things and get herself up out of the blues. She has no hobbies except shopping. Which I don't do, of course. I wish!

I have to buy myself a new diary for 2010. I'm already making appointments for that year, but I have no new calender yet. I don't know if I want a calender or a diary. Both have their good points. When I go to buy those new glasses, I will see what they have in that store and make up my mind there. I think I will go for a diary. It's easier to leaf through the weeks and months ahead. I very much liked the one I had last year, but it was sent to me by mistake and was meant for someone who used to live here. I thought that was a fortunate circumstance. Apparently they are not making that mistake this year. Darn!

I have to go and paint now. And then hang up the laundry and clean up my bedroom. These are all incredibly fun jobs which I.m looking forward to very much. Right, and my sister is the Queen of the Netherlands. Maybe I ought to take another nap instead. I'm yawning, so by rights I could.

Have a great day. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That leaves you with a lot of choices.

Ciao,
Nora

I wish...

I actually got six hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I decided, after getting some good advice from some friends, to make my sleeping pattern more normal and to not stay up all night anymore. What I think is actually happening, is that I'm displaying some hypo manic behavior, without actually being hypo manic, and the reason I am not, is due to the fact that some of my medication has been increased. I am, amongst other things, changing the looks of my blog and adding new blogs, without keeping in mind if I will be able to keep these up. So, I have to keep an eye on myself, so I don't start to run rampant and crash and burn. Enough said about that, I will be good and watch myself better.

I posted a new six sentences on my writings blog, so please go there if you have the time. I wish lots of people would become followers. It would make me feel good if I knew that a lot of people were reading me, because I write to be read and to get feedback from people who themselves write and don't all bloggers do that? These are nuggets of myself that I'm giving away, much more so than my art. My art is a physical manifestation of my outer self, my writings are a psychological manifestation of my inner self, the real me, dressed in prose, in evening wear if you will. I lay bare my soul in them and you can see glimpses, if not outright vistas, of me and my innermost self. That's saying a lot.

While I write this, I'm doing chores at the same time. I've now got dishes soaking in the kitchen sink and I've already cleaned up the kitchen counter and done the trash and picked up the living room. The Exfactor was here and brought me two rolls of whole wheat biscuits. I scolded him for doing so, but he left them anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do with them, except eat them, which I always say I won't, but which I always do. My excuse is that they're good for me, but it's a very flimsy one. They are more bad for me than that they're good for me.

I have to take the dry laundry off the drying rack and hang up the next load to dry. I don't mind doing this, but I get distracted and forget about it and then it sits in the machine while I'm with my head in the clouds. I must make it a point to remember it today, otherwise it will get stinky and I'll have to wash it again. I seriously like doing laundry, because it is such a satisfactory job, but I am forgetful and a load of laundry takes me days to do until it is clean and dry. Thanks goodness that I hardly do any ironing. It would take weeks.

I also don't mind doing the dishes, but I act like I do and let them stack up until it seems unmanageable. Then I get it in my head to do them and I rinse and organize them and suddenly it seems that there aren't that many and they are done in no time. It's sheer intimidation that stops me from functioning sometimes. The intimidation of unorganized things. Once you've sorted everything out, it's always less daunting than it looked in the first place.

There, I've just done the dishes, Now I'll take a break and do the laundry next. I'm using my instant reward system. It works if applied diligently. There must be no wavering and no dawdling about the job. The minute the coffee is gone and the cigarette has been smoked, I must get up and do the next thing, with the expectancy that I get to sit down here again as soon as it's done, but I must think about another job I can do in the meantime. There is always something that needs to get done, even if it is as lowly a job as scrubbing the toilet, and you all know how I feel about that!

My dog is forgetting that he has not been walked yet this afternoon and is sound asleep on his blanket. No doubt he will wake up just as I'm about to hang up the laundry.He will have to wait his turn. I must do everything in the proper order. There will be no chaos reigning here.

Okay, that was the laundry. My psychiatrist just called me to discuss my medication with me. He wanted to make sure that the amounts I was taking were what I should be taking and that I wasn't taking too much of any kind. He was getting ready to fax new prescriptions to the pharmacy. I think he is a very conscientious man, He doesn't just go ahead and write a prescription, he wants to talk to the patient first, even though he has seen me not too long ago. He always calls me when he is about to write a prescription, just to make sure I'm in my right mind, I think. I think he would know fast enough if I were not okay, if there were something wrong with me and I was up front with him and told him I am showing signs of hypo mania.Therefor he knew why I was using up the anti psychotic quicker than usual and why I had not gone back yet to my old dose. It's good to be in good hands. It makes me feel safe.

The laundry just fit on the drying rack. I had sheets and assorted stuff. I have new laundry, but not enough to run the machine. It will have to wait. I must dirty some things first. I even found two pairs of matching socks that had originally been separated, but I knew if I waited long enough they would pair up again. I have clean pajamas for tonight, that will be something to look forward to.

I have to sweep and mop the kitchen floor next. I will need extra courage for that, for the mopping part, because I don't like mopping. It never turns out as well as I want it to. It's an exercise in frustration. First I will walk the dog, I think he is ready now.

The dog wanted to go for a longer walk than we normally do, so we did, although I had to curb his enthusiasm a little bit. I wasn't about to be dragged all over the neighborhood. We made compromises. As soon as we got in the turdy neighborhood I turned around. That's where people don't pick up the dog poop in the little green area. I'm not about to walk around there. It's very much disgusting and somehow they are getting away with it and there's a playground right by it.

I've just eaten a bowl of porridge and it has made me sleepy, so now I long for a nap, but I must not lay down and fall asleep, because then my schedule will get turned upside down again. It's taken the wind out of my sails completely. I will sit down in the armchair and read my book with a cup of coffee or a glass of fruit juice.

Right, so much for sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor.

Have a great rest of the day, be good for goodness sake.

Ciao,
Nora.

Back in business.

I've got my computer back and the repair was very cheap. I looked at the man with my mouth dropped open when he told me how little it cost. It was my lucky day, I guess. It's working like a dream and I even managed to hook it up properly all on my own, according to the instructions of the Exfactor who had written them down on a little piece of paper. Now I will always be able to do it, after I had never done so before. Isn't that silly?

My sister and I went to pick it up together in her car and it turned out that her neighbor is the father in law of the man who owns the computer shop and he just happened to be there, so it was like a homecoming. Much chatting had to be done, and the fun part is, that in this shop they also sell turntables to play your records on, if you still own those, and there were some really nice ones there, which made me nostalgic for all the records I once owned and the crackly sound they made when the needle touched down on the first grooves. I would buy a turntable if I knew I could find some of my favorite records. Ah, keep dreaming, Nora!

Anyway, I've got my computer back and that is a true pleasure, although I was not bored when I did not have it. I drew and painted pictures and am mighty pleased with myself. I've got one done and am working on another one. I've got a box of 12 tubes of acrylic paints that I also mix to get even more colors, so I am happy. The paper of the watercolor pad is very nice to paint on, as it is thick and absorbs the paints well and they dry quickly, which is good, because I have a tendency to forget that I just painted something and lay my hand in it. Major snafu. Luckily, subsequent layers of paint cover everything up if it gets messed up.

I'm using the same technique that I use on the canvas paintings and went with the same theme, but now I'm ready to try something else. I've had my try outs now and I need to come up with something new. I've even found a pencil and an eraser, so I can sketch to my heart's delight and make errors and erase until I get it right. I've also got that nice magazine to find inspiration in. I'm thinking about a beach scene with a beach chair and an umbrella and all the paraphernalia that goes with it. Or a kitchen window with curtains and plants in the windowsill and coffee cups on the counter. Maybe a cat that sits and watches it all. I have to give my imagination a chance to unwind and go to work.

It's 5:45 pm and the church bells are ringing. It must be time for mass. I should run over and see what people are doing there right now, but I'm too lazy to do it. Maybe another day when I'm more prepared. I haven't lit a candle in a chapel in a long time. That means I haven't been hypo manic in a while, because I only get religious when I am really hypo manic. I feel the spirit of God descending on me when I'm like that and the enormous urge to be in the basilica in front of the statue of Mary who is clothed in a blue robe. Maybe it's better that I'm in this normal, in between mood. I still have all my sensibilities this way and am not submissively knelt down in prayer asking for impossible things.

Jesker is still doing really well. The only problem is that the pain medication is making him fart a lot and since he always is where I am, I get huge overdoses of it and they are pretty hefty. Luckily, I'm very fond of him, so I can tolerate them, but if he were a stranger, I would move out of the room. The poor guy, he doesn't have a clue as to how bad he smells. His farts could be used as weapons of war. But I love him anyway. Well, somebody has to.

I did the grocery shopping today, and even though the parking lot and the bike rack were very full, the big store seemed to have absorbed all the shoppers and there were many check out stands open and I was done in no time and even had enough money left in my bank account to pay for the groceries, because that was a doubtful moment. I bought fresh juice and the first thing I did when I came home, was drink two glasses of it, because I was so thirsty, which reminds me that I have to check my glucose levels, because I have been very thirsty lately and going to the toilet a lot. Could be nothing at all, of course.

The cereal I buy is high in vitamin B and iron and some other minerals. I made a point to check that today before I bought it. There is another cereal similar to it that doesn't make that claim, so I won't buy that one, even though it is cheaper. I think maybe that's why it is cheaper. I want everything that I eat to have vitamins and minerals in it that are good for me and diverse. I don't want empty calories. I have been unable to eat anything remotely like a bigger portion. I think my gastric band has shifted and I can only eat little bits of food. It is very frustrating, but now that I've caught on to it, I know what to do. It just will take me a long time to finish a meal. I have to sit and wait for the little bits to pass the gastric band. Sometimes getting up and walking around helps.

Well, my trusty four footer wants to go for a walk, so I guess I will take him now. He is trying to be patient, but he can hardly contain himself. He is looking at me with mournful eyes. You just can't ignore that look.

Have a good evening, all of you. The sun is still shining. And the temperature inside has gone up by a whole degree.

Ciao,
Nora.

Here are the trees and here is the forest.

I didn't know this morning if I was going to be able to calm myself down without having to take an anti psychotic tablet and, although I really did not want to take one, I was willing to do it if I knew that it would settle me down sufficiently. Fortunately, I waited and was able to mentally put the brakes on and bring myself to a screeching halt. So much so, that I actually could lie down on the sofa and take a nap for two hours. I have only one time before brought myself to a screeching halt when I threatened to become hypo manic and I didn't know if I could do it again, but faced with a couple of days of madness, that would have to be kept under control with anti psychotics, I decided that I had to try and get a hold of myself and snap out of it pretty quickly, and pretty quickly I did.

I slept deeply and when I woke up I felt completely normal and very calm, I would say somewhat subdued even, as if I had taken a tranquilizer, and I took some time to come to my senses. The reality of what had happened sank in and I saw that I had been working on that hypo mania since yesterday, but that now it was completely gone.

Knowing that I can do this, that I can mentally put the brakes on, makes me feel much more secure and I hope that I can always do it in the future, if I recognize my mood on time and if it bothers me enough to do it. That's the whole thing, of course. If I'm having a jolly good time, I'm not as likely to put the brakes on. I may get myself into slight trouble before I realize what is happening. As it is, it took me 24 hours to figure this one out.

Well, I just thought I would let you know how it turned out. I have to write a follow up email to my SPN now.

Ciao...

So early in the morning...

Well, here I am again, early in the morning and as bright and chipper as a chipmunk, all ready to start the day and have my second cup of coffee, if I ever make it to the kitchen, being so busy answering emails from Bookmooch. Man, talk about a new addiction, but those people really know how to find you too when you first join up. To them you are a whole new source of books they have been waiting for and, of course, I do my own mooching too. It sure keeps me busy and out of major trouble in and outside the home. I am sending out six books and in two weeks I'll do the next batch. I'll probably keel over from shock when I find out out how much it's going to cost me in postage, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I am mentally preparing myself for it.

I did find the wrapping paper that was used as packaging material and I was able to use large sections of it and I still have some left over. Luckily, I had plenty of tape, but now I must make sure that I always have these things handy, so I must be an organized lady.

I didn't sleep for a long time. I went to bed late and woke up early. I was done sleeping and nothing could keep me in bed. Out of loyalty, Jesker gets up too, but continues to sleep in the living room. It's too early for him or for the cats, but I'm ready to go and I hope I get some things accomplished today, because I have enough energy for it, regardless of the fact that it's Sunday. I have a lot of discarded clothes lying on a heap in the bathroom and they really must be put away or washed. It's a tidy heap. don't get me wrong. I always have tidy heaps. No wrinkles.

The plants need watering and I have to decide if I'm going to turn one plant around and expose the other side to all the sunlight that comes in through the windows. It is doing really well on one side, but it's getting kind of lopsided and it needs exposure on the other side as well. I just hope it doesn't go into shock from it. Plants are so fickle, I hardly know what I do right and if something goes right, I just keep dong it that way and I hate to make changes. They're like silent sentinels that keep watch in the living room and I have to instinctively know what they want, because they don't tell me.

I still have to do the ironing, but some cat has managed to squeeze between the clothes in the ironing basket and the laundry basket that was sitting on top of it and has deposited some hair there. For me now the job to get rid of the hair in the most convenient way. Whenever you think you have a full proof system to keep a cat out of something, think again and do it differently, because they will always fake you out. I do have a special brush to get animal hair off things and it works with some success, but I'd rather not have to use it at all, especially not when I haven't even worn the clothes yet.

Toby has decided that he now needs to sleep right beside my pillow at night, as close to my head as he can get. It is very cozy, but every morning there are cat hairs there that I need to brush off and is it any wonder why I have eczema on my head and now on my fingers? I was never meant to have such close relationships with animals, but I can't help myself. I can't live without them and will always have at least one of some sort. I am completely enamored with them and for them I'll have an itch all day long. Which reminds me to go to the herbal shop for Jesker and me to pick up herbal solutions for his eyes and my eczema. I have to go all the way downtown to do that and I always forget.

I have just taken my medicines and now I'm waiting for those good pills to start working. Hopefully they will slow me down a bit, because I have to last the rest of the day and I'm not going to be able to at this speed. That means that the rest of the coffee I'll be drinking will be decaf, which luckily I have enough of. I have to pull my own inward handbrake and cut the speed down by half. I'm much too excited. If I were a Zen Buddhist, I would do some meditation exercises now. Instead I will just mentally ease up on the gas and enjoy the scenery.

My SPN said, that as soon as I noticed that I became hypo manic again, I had to take another anti psychotic pill. We made a deal about that, but I'm afraid to take one, because of becoming depressed, which I am definitely not now. It is possible for me to take one now and take the second one at night and not take a third one, so that I will still be on my old dose, and not go to 6 mg. which I was on when I got depressed. It is a bit of a puzzle, but for now I will first drink decaf and see how I do and then make a decision.

Any input from you will be appreciated. Often it is the people from outside looking in who can be objective the most. I feel a bit sped up and I am suspicious of my mood. I don't trust how good I feel. It is too jubilant.

Actually, if I had the choice now, I would want to slow down and become calmer, because I don't want to be this unguided missile cruising through the day, looking for interesting things to do and possibly getting in over my head somewhere. I feel like there is a party going on inside my head and I'm supposed to join in and I don't want to.

Well, there is a pill at hand and it works quickly, so there is help if I need it.

Have a great day.

Ciao...

Sleeping!

Because I slept all afternoon and all last evening, I was afraid that I would not sleep last night, but I need not have worried, because I slept like a baby, albeit on the sofa where I just laid down to wait to get sleepy again. I had taken my sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and the paracetamol for my back and was watching the repeat of the news when I conked out. Sleeping on the sofa hasn't hurt my back any and it feels a bit better this morning, although I am still a bit crooked. I think in the end it is rest that is going to help me the most. I'll have to call on the Exfactor to do the grocery shopping for me.

Today I don't have to go to creative therapy and I'm happy for it. I get to stay home legitimately and wash the dishes. If I am capable of doing that. If not, I can at least rinse and stack them neatly in the sink. It will give the appearance of cleanliness. I must try to keep the apartment clean now, I sure as heck worked hard enough for it.

I didn't walk Jesker once after I came home yesterday. I opened the back door and kept it open until late at night so he could let himself out. He didn't complain once. I think he was secretly hoping for more meatballs to show up, but none did.

The mouse was still somewhere in the apartment, because I heard Gandhi hunt for it every once in a while. I hope it has escaped now through the back door, but I don't know if it is that clever. I will open the door again today. I really hope it makes its get away, because, although I am afraid of mice, I also don't want to find its dead body. Once, when I was cleaning up our old bookcase, I found a dried up mouse between a stack of books, which was not a nice surprise. I threw away the two books it was squashed between. I don't know why I am afraid of mice, except that they move so quickly and are able to crawl up everything.

I am going to see my SPN today and I will tell her about my 48 hour hypomanic episode with the enormous cleaning period in it, because that's what it was. This in spite of the fact that my medication is increased, so you can imagine what it would be like now without that. It would be "hallelijah" all the way to the store and all over the place. I would probably be getting myself into debt buying new furniture and clothes and god knows what else. Paint for my bedroom and art supplies. As it is, I feel pretty "normal" now. At least I am no longer depressed.

Toby is sitting on the dining table like a tea cozy. His eyes are closed and he is purring. He likes the new kibbles very much and hardly gives me the chance to fill the bowl when it is empty, his head gets in the way. They are eating Whiskas now and they both seem happy with it and Gandhi has stopped barfing. They seem to have forgotten about the food in the pouches, which is good, because Whiskas is expensive enough. The Exfactor picked it out. I told him to buy the cats some elegant food that was not cheap, because I wanted to make sure they liked it. I thought he would buy Gourmet, which is the most expensive one, but this is the next best thing. If the cats knew about Gourmet, I'm sure they would only eat that, those finicky creatures. Spoiled rotten cats.

Jesker is busy with his wake up rituals, which involves a lot of rolling around and making a lot of noises and yawning very wide. He is not looking at his bowl yet, so he isn't ready to eat, that will be next, although with him you never know. He may reject his food and not look at it again until sometime in the afternoon when it is ice cold from sitting in the refrigerator. He likes that. He likes cold food...Oh well, he is eating now. He is such a cute puppy! Now really, Irene, he is 12 years old! I know, but he is so adorable, I just can't help myself.

Those paracetamols I'm taking are really called something else, some unpronounceable name, but they work very well. I took them half an hour ago and they are already working. I take two pills, just to make sure.

Well, that's it for me for right now. I am going to get dressed and attempt to walk Jesker.

Have a great day.

Ciao...

Getting there!

Writing these posts gives me the perfect opportunity to take a breather, because I notice that I don't necessarily stick to chores of threes, but sort of keep going until I'm too tired to go anymore and I have to stop and do something else. I check my emails and answer them if there are any, that's a good break, but then I forget to have something to drink and really relax as I am on the edge of my seat, ready to go and tackle the next thing. I work as if there is no tomorrow and for me there isn't, because I don't know what my mood will be like tomorrow and this may all be over. I have to grab this opportunity while I can, mad as it is.

So, where was I?

I made a bucket of hot soapy water with dish washing liquid and washed the windows with it with a cloth and a squeegee and I got good results, very clean windows. Then I took the same bucket of hot suds and cleaned all the shelves of the bookcase, but the real surprise came when I got the stepladder and climbed on it and looked on top of the bookcase. Quelle horreur! It was black with dust, so I got my cloth very wet and soapy and applied some elbow grease. I know it is because I smoke that everything gets such a sticky layer of dirt. That's the price I pay.

Anyway, I am now in the possession of a very clean white bookcase with an empty shelf to put a sculpture on, which I must do in a while. I had a basket sitting in the opening, but decided to add that basket to another basket that was also sitting on a shelf, thereby creating the space. I think I have a sculpture that will fit right in there.

Then I got a bucket of white latex paint out and found a brush and painted some sections of the walls in the kitchen that for whatever reasons had become discolored. I brushed it on in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that there is a slight difference in the shade of white and when it dries, I don't think you will notice it.It looks a lot better anyway, but really, that whole kitchen needs to be ripped out and revamped. It's old and tired and inefficient. I hope the housing corporation does something about them soon.

Then I took a bucket of suds and cleaned the tiles beneath the wash basin in the bathroom and all along the water pipes that run to the shower. That had never been done, as far as I know, especially not all those years that I had been depressed during my sons illness. I cleaned the bottom of the wash basin too and even found spider rag there.

Finally, I took the bucket and emptied it in the shower basin and gave it a quick scrub before all the sudsy water disappeared and that was that.

All I have to do now, besides the chores that are left on my list for tomorrow, is walk Jesker and get the trash ready for tonight to put outside. Then I am going to take a shower and wash my hair and put on my pajamas. Last of all, I am going to do some ironing, because there may be some clothes in the basket that I want to wear tomorrow.

I am really beat now and I am getting tired, so I think I will sleep well tonight, but the whole thing has been a fun experience. I didn't know I could still do that much work on so little sleep and so little food. I am ready to eat now.

I hope you enjoyed my journey into this slight madness with me. It's been an incredible experience, like a dream and I am now waking up. I have sore muscles.

Have a good Sunday evening or whatever your time of day is.

See you again soon!

Ciao...

Because...

Because I had been for a while, and then wasn't for a little bit, and was about to become so again, my antipsychotic medication has been increased today. Yes, hypomania has been playing around inside my head again and I didn't recognize it while it was happening and making claims to my daughter that it wasn't. I can't always trust myself, except for today, when I felt the euphoria gathering strength again.

I called my SPN, who talked to my new psychiatrist, who had me increase my medication straight away. Also some handy tips were included. I am to stay in a trigger free environment and not start any activities in the evening when I should be going to bed, nor am I allowed to get up in the middle of the night and be active.

That is funny, because those are the things that I do want to do. For instance, I would love to go into town and become part of the crowd and last night at 11 PM I had the computer on and considered doing all sorts of things, but thought better of it. I made myself go to bed and took my medicines, including my sleeping pill, which makes me have to go to bed or I'll turn into a zombie. There is a great desire for action on my part, but just enough common sense not to do it.

I worry about the springtime, when I know hypomania will really hit me and not just a couple of days off and on. I know I will reach a state of constant euphoria without probably telling anyone about it and I hope the other people notice it and make me do something about it. I may give myself away by word and deed, but I may also cause some damage before I am found out. I hope I can keep my bank account safe.

I feel an enormous desire to go to the discount store around the corner to buy things that are very cheap, because they are and it will feel so good to buy nice cheap things, but at the same time I realize that a lot of nice cheap things add up and that I will be sorry for it later. Besides, I am not supposed to put myself in harm's way now. That would be like putting a steak in front of the Überhund and expecting him to ignore it. So, I won't do that. No matter how big the desire is.

Then there is the desire to order clothes on line, because it is so easy and almost painless and they are delivered the next day. Again, I have to call myself to a halt and not do this, because I have a lot of clothes and the choice is enormous already and I don't need anything else. It is just the lure of them that makes me want to shop and the excitement of something new. The thrill of it. The pleasure.

When I am in a mood like this, I can think of a hundred exciting things to do that will bring change for the better to my life. It doesn't stop and start with clothes. The whole interior of the apartment could be my subject. There are collages to be framed, for instance. And new duvet covers to be bought. And plants to add to the ones I already have. The list goes on and on.

I need new perfume also and new eye shadow and new nail polish and new lipstick. I would love another pair of boots and more leggings. Perfume, though, I must have perfume. Even an eau de toilette would do.

But, I must stay put here inside my apartment and not do anything foolish and let the medication do its work. I must be sensible even when I don't want to be. I must let the state of excitement subside.

Now I am going to look in my closet and find some interesting clothes to wear. Goodness only knows what I will find there. How exciting that will be.

Ciao...

Lazily.

How very tranquilly and lazily I start the morning. I have had 2 mugs of coffee and am about to have a mug of decaf. The Überhund has had his breakfast and is busy digesting. The cats are slightly disgusted, because they didn't get anything so good, but all is really well and it has even stopped raining for a bit. This low pressure system is coming to us by way of England, so I know what sort of weather they are having there.

I am sitting here in my red bathrobe and pajamas and I think that is a pure luxury. The blinds are still closed, but I could open them and not be embarrassed. Anyone who wants to look inside will see a woman who is quite contended, sitting behind her computer with a nice mug of coffee and a cigarette. They should all be so lucky.

Yesterday, the installation packet from the Internet provider I canceled in December arrived and I sent it back right away. It took some doing, because I had to call them first for a return address and a return number that allowed me to send it for free. I was on hold for quite some time.

Considering that I had canceled them after not having them deliver it on time, and after receiving a letter from them that they could not provide me the service I asked for, it is very ironic that the installation packet finally did arrive when I had no use for it and so very late. I think these companies don´t have their heads screwed on straight and I wonder how they even manage to do any business, except that you seem to be caught in their web once you are in their system and you need to watch out for yourself very well. Their right hand doesn´t seem to know what their left hand is doing.

Today I have an evaluation for my therapies. It consists of filling out questionnaires and having a talk with the top therapist about your status and your goals. On Monday I have another evaluation with my SPN there as well. You get evaluated every 4 months and a decision is made as to how much time you still need and if you are moving in a forward motion. The purpose is that you are, of course, and I think I am.

I don´t know. Sometimes I am so full of confidence and I am so convinced of my ability to do well. I don´t know where that courage comes from and I know it isn´t constant, but I´m happy when it is there. I feel that I can take on the world and be unbeatable and I am not intimidated by anything. I could singlehandedly slay an army of opposing forces and be right and justified in everything I do.

Okay, I need to get going now. It is well past start the morning time and some chores are waiting for me.

Have a terrific day, I am planning on having one myself.

Ciao...

Where I should be.

At 7 PM I put on my pajamas and bathrobe and turned on the TV. Then I promptly fell asleep until about midnight. Now I am sitting here yawning with a mug of decaf and a cigarette, waiting to see what will happen next. Will I be sensible and go to bed, or will I be stubborn and stay up and, like my cats are doing, getting into all sorts of mischief? I think I will end up on the sofa again after a while, where I will drag myself once my sleeping pill starts working and I stop making sense.

There is nobody here to warn me if I stop making sense, though. I could be typing all sorts of nonsense and not be aware of it and push the publish button and forever make a fool out of myself...

...well, to prevent that from happening, I went back to the sofa and promptly fell asleep again until 8 AM. I think that was the most sensible thing to do. Now that I've got the heater going all the time, it is so nice and pleasant inside that it makes it very comfortable to be anywhere and to fall asleep anywhere. I'm supposed to turn it off at night, but I failed to do so last night and it has been toasty warm here and I only wore my bathrobe and didn't even need a blanket. I worry about my energy bill, yes I do.

The Überhund is snoring away by my feet and has given no inclination that he needs to go outside. Speaking of bladder control! He is most adorable when he lies by my feet this way with his head on his paws, because he looks like a stuffed animal and you just want to pick him up and kiss him all over the place. He would be mighty surprised if I did that!

The cats are sitting silently in the kitchen with a bit of an accusatory attitude, because their food dishes are empty and I am ignoring them. They have no real idea of what it is like to go hungry, because there is always food. Now they act like they are patiently suffering and it is all my fault. Some people make their cats fast one day a week, because they say that in the wild animals don't eat every day either. Well, neither do people, do they? Let them drink only water for 24 hours.

Oh goodness, today is Saturday, well, hurray! It's always a little bit festive when it is the weekend. I am officially excused from being a responsible adult. You think I am during the week too, don't you? Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I take this business called living very seriously.

The truth is that I deal in a lot of escapism, because otherwise, the weight of the world would drag me down. The gravity of it would pull me splat down to the ground, never to get up again. Therefor, I very often feel that I am playing a role in a film and that none of this is real, or that I am only a figment of someone's imagination and that all of this is a dream or a fantasy someone is having. Maybe a character named God, but not as we know him from the bible. Or her and she is rather careless and playful in a painful way. Well, maybe that is exactly as we know God from the bible. From the Old Testament.

What is reality is an interpretation, isn't it? Unless you are faced with such cruelty, that you find yourself in a nightmare that you can't get out off, where you are being held against your will. But what does my reality look like?

I live a fairly safe life and nothing really horrible is going to happen to me today. I don't face war or famine or murder or rape. The worst things that are likely to happen are the confusions that take place in my own head and they can be pleasant or unpleasant. They can change the way I interpret my reality. If that happens to be in a pleasant way, then there is very little stress that I am going to undergo and I will feel that I've had an excellent day, regardless of what happened to my fellow human beings on that particular day. My reality, or my take on it, was fine, there was no problem. If there was a problem, I saw it as a minor blip on the radar, like a mosquito that I splatted with one hand.

If the confusion in my head turns unpleasant, then that day will be experienced as a very unpleasant day and all the events that happen in it will be interpreted negatively. I will see doom and damnation and the end of the world nearby. I will see the suffering of my fellow human beings and identify strongly with them in a totally ineffective way, because I am not capable of doing anything productive. I will suffer and cry and face fear. Only because something in my head is telling me that this is how I see reality now.

So you see, what is reality is an interpretation. At least, what is my reality. If war breaks out tomorrow, we will have a common reality. At least, the Dutch people and I will have. God forbid, maybe all of us will.

Very often I live on the edge of hypomania or I am in fact hypomanic. That colors my point of view on my world. I am very grateful that I can live in this state of existence, because I know the alternative state. I couldn't have made it through the first four months of my separation if it hadn't been for the state of my hypomania. It made everything very easy. My reality was altered through rose colored glasses. When the hypomania ended, my view on my reality changed and I suddenly became a needy and sad little person before I found my balance again. Is it any wonder that I pray for a little bit of hypomania? Which reality would you rather face?

Well, I suppose I am trying to explain something very basic about myself and maybe about other people as well. I don't know how people without my particular disability go through life. I don't know how it is to live without mood changes that are as arbitrary as the November weather. I've been this way my whole life.

In the meantime, the Überhund is still laying here and not a peep out of him. I have gotten a new mug of coffee and fed the cats, but I guess he is not interested in going out. I think he is really getting old, because he sleeps so much. We make a good pair, the two of us.

There is nothing better than a fresh mug of coffee and a cigarette. All of you who don't smoke will disagree with me, but believe me, to me this is heaven.

Well, that's enough of my sermon on the mount. I've got to get the day started, whether or not the Überhund is ready. Have a great day and be good for goodness sake.

Mwah!

A Tough Broad.

During my evaluation yesterday afternoon, I got such good feedback and compliments. As a matter of fact, I really need to stop and think good and hard about the things that were said to me and really let them sink in, because it is too easy to not pay attention to any of it and to totally disregard it. I think I was already starting to do that and that is like boycotting yourself.

The most important thing that I learned about myself is, that I can go astray emotionally, but as soon as I realize that I am, I immediately correct myself and take the necessary steps to get myself back on the right track again.

That's a very good thing to know about myself. That means I can trust myself to look after myself and that I do a good job of it. Who wouldn't you like to trust better than yourself?

It's very important that I know this with my whole being and never forget it. Amen.

The tax subsidy situation was cleared up very quickly and easily. I am going to get the first 4 months of subsidy deposited in my account now and the remaining 2 months will follow when it is time. That makes sense, because the bills for September have already been paid and soon I'll be paying those for October. By that time, I'll have the money. I do have to say one thing about the Tax Office, they are slow but accurate.

I made my way to Social Services by bike in the early morning cold and met my case manager for the first time face to face. He turned out to be a very nice young man who was truly apologetic about what had happened and wanted nothing more than rectify the whole situation. I think he needed to meet me in person to see what I was all about and visa versa.

Anyway, he gave me an advance in cash and told me he would also work out the proper amount owed and deposit that in my account without waiting for the accounting department to do their slow job and that he would see to it personally that the information in the system would be changed. I am going to trust that he will do that and I made clear to him that I depend on him to.

I had a good feeling when I left there and I assume all will be in order now, but, of course, I won't know until I get next month's specification. He may be a very nice young man, but still not do his job right.

It has probably escaped your attention that I have been a bit hypo manic lately. I don't know if any of that comes across in my blog or if you just see it as ordinary enthusiasm. There were warning signs here, within myself, but to me the one that stood out was me taking the tough broad role to such an extreme. I was pretty sure that I was starting to get carried away with that one and I wasn't sure where I would end up and then there was the spending pattern, which I am too embarrassed to talk about.

So, before I did anything yesterday, I called my psychiatrist for advice on his mobile phone and we increased my anti-psychotic medication by 2 mg. I should be calming down within a couple of days.

There is a fine line between being an assertive person and being a tough broad and maybe you can work out for yourself where the difference lies. I still want to be a tough broad, but in the responsible, assertive way. Not in the "I'll waltz over everybody" way.

I bought three little plants yesterday and put them all in one big black pot, so it looks like one big plant. I forgot to ask the sales lady what kind of plant it is, so now I must be a sleuth and find out.

Well, that wasn't hard at all. The plant is an Aglaonema Romeo, well suited for low light and low humidity. That's good to know, that means I can forget to water them every once in a while. The lady in the shop said to water them once a week, I guess I don't need to drench them. I hope they are as easy as my fig plant, which I throw water on whenever I think of it and it thrives.

Well, enough of this already. Time to get the show on the road. I must vacuum again and do laundry. Oh, joy.

Be good for goodness sake.

Ciao...