Monday, November 29, 2010


It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Through the night...

It is now in the middle of the night and it is 23F degrees outside and the sky is clear. No wonder the heater was coming on. I have the thermostat set low, but the radiators felt warm when I got up. The Heater comes on every once in a while. It's not on continuously. Apparently the apartment is well enough insulated to keep out the worst of the cold.

I went to bed very early last night, because I was completely bored with what was on TV, which is never interesting on Saturday nights, and I wasn't in the mood for blogging either. I laid in bed and listened to the football game on the radio until I dozed off.A football game is also boring enough to drift away by. Who can keep track of all the different players when there are no pictures to look at?

I woke up in a sweat and had to go to the toilet in a hurry and then Tyke had to go out back. I stood by the back door in the cold night air and completely cooled off, which was nice. When you're having a hot flash there's nothing better than the freezing cold on your body. It would have been different if a strong northern wind had been blowing. I might not have enjoyed it as much then.

Since it's the weekend, I decided to stay up and enjoy the silence of the night and catch up on my sleep in the morning. I started a pot of coffee and turned on the computer and answered emails. I can usually do that before I've had my coffee, though I function better mentally after I've had a cup. I probably would write better emails if I waited, but I'm impatient to get them done.

It's going to be cold like this for a while and on Wednesday and the next few days we are expecting snow. So it is predicted. If it will actually come about is another matter all together, because we are promised all sorts of weather that never really happens. Sunshine that doesn't appear and rain that doesn't fall. Weather forecasters do their best, but it still isn't an exact science and they can only make broad predictions and not really pinpoint them all that locally. At least for our area they don't seem to be able to do it. We will see.

I have to make a list of things that I have to take care of. I don't think it's actually going to be that long, but they are things that keep escaping my attention and that I think of when I can't do anything about them. They keep nagging me at the back of my mind and then I start to worry about them at the most inappropriate times. It will be better to get each item down on paper and check it off as I get it done. That seems to be the most sensible thing to do. I'm not a great maker of lists, but I do see the sense of them now. It's a great way to organize your mind and to actually accomplish things. That's one resolution I have to keep. I'm starting mine before it's actually New year's. 

All you other single people out there are my great example. You are all managing your lives and taking care of the details  and problems of it with whatever degree of success, and although I don't know how difficult this is for you, you do seem to pull it off. I never hear any big complains and stories of woe. You all seem to cope and do well. I must remember that I'm not the only middle aged woman on her own who has to figure out her own stuff. Sometimes I get a lot overwhelmed and I don't want to cope at all, but be like an ostrich and put my head in the sand. I wonder if you have the same problem too and how do you overcome that? Do you ever get intimidated by life? 

It's early in the morning now and I'll move on to other things. This has been a nice way way to spend the night. I've taken my time writing this, but I did have to take a tranquilizer and wait for it to work halfway through. I had too much free floating anxiety and worries. 

Have a good morning and enjoy your Sunday. 


Friday, November 26, 2010

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

In the evening...

I actually have two pairs of glasses. The ones that I have been wearing, which are a modern rectangular design and are made of a thin bronze colored metal. I chose these in a hurry, because I thought I wanted something different and more youthful. I ended up never liking them very much, but wearing them anyway, because the woman in Specsavers had said that they looked good on me and I believed her.

I also have my original pair of glasses, which have a minimal frame that is made of hypo allergenic titanium and they were very expensive. Because the frame is so minimal, it makes much less of an impact on my face and it is so lightweight that I hardly notice wearing it.

I had put this last pair of glasses away in their case in the drawer of my nightstand and pretty much forgotten about them until tonight. I got them out and cleaned them up and had a good look at them and saw how nice they really were and what better quality than the glasses I had been wearing.

I stood in front of the mirror and took one pair of glasses off and put the other ones on and couldn't believe the difference. I liked the old pair so much better. My whole face showed up again. I kept them on and have been wearing them since and have put the other glasses away. This is the pair that I really want to wear. So, when I get my eyes checked and it turns out that I need new glasses, I'm going to have them put into this frame and not bother picking out another one.

I instinctively picked out this frame the first time I got glasses. I zoomed in on it and said, "That's the one I want!"  I put it on and was pleased right away. I don't know why I thought it wasn't nice enough anymore. Well yes, I wanted to be  more modern.

So, that's the story on the glasses. Don't be led by fashion. Let your own common sense prevail and your own taste. If you look ridiculous, hopefully somebody will tell you.

Have a good night!


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Because I may need new glasses in the near future, I went to the Specsavers website and had a look at what was available in frames at a reasonable price. They have a really neat feature. You can choose an image of a face that closely matches yours, or download your own image, and try out frames on it to see how they look and in the color of your choice too. 

It's a fun thing to do and you can get real serious about it, though there are a lot of frames to choose from and you do get a bit confused after a while. It does give you an idea of what sort of frame you ought to be looking for and what colors look good. I know for sure now that the glasses I have are the wrong ones for me and that I need to get another pair. 

But like I said, that's in the future when I have the money for them. It's fun to look around and fantasize about them. It keeps you busy and off the streets. You know how much I hang out on street corners making a nuisance of myself. 

I have a sharp pain in my upper back where that curve is and I know I'm going to have to take a painkiller for it. Otherwise my muscles are going to tighten up and I will be in even more trouble. I'm trying to sit up as straight as I possibly can, but it requires a lot of effort. Slumping behind the computer is probably what got me into this problem.  Walking with Tyke makes it worse when he pulls at the leash. 

It's not nice when your body lets you down. Age is probably a contributor. Things wear out. I imagine my worn out spine trying to stand up straight after all these years and not quite making it. God, that makes me sound like somebody's old great grandmother, bent over with a cane, constantly looking at the ground slightly ahead of her. It's actually because of a mild form of scoliosis that my back hurts. I've taken a painkiller and I hope it works soon.

I've taken Tyke for his last walk for the day and he's sound asleep now underneath the dining table. It's time that his new pillow arrives, because he picks odd places to sleep in. Not the most comfortable ones. Hopefully it will get here by tomorrow. It's strange that it wasn't delivered at the same time with his toys, but I did order it on a different day, so maybe that was too complicated for them. 

I've just had a big bowl of Cup a Soup. I mixed three pouches of asparagus flavor in a bowl of hot water and it was very thick and nice and warm. It's done my stomach a world of good. I feel full and comfortable now. It was better than a cup of hot chocolate and that's saying a lot. I've still got a couple of other flavors left, under which broccoli and leek. Cup a Soup is a good invention. I wish I had thought of it. Hey, I should be a spokeswoman for them and for Specsavers too.

I'm tired even though I slept so well last night. I could go to bed right now and fall asleep, but I won't do that because it's way to early for that. I will go and put my pajamas on so I will at least be at that stage. 

Have a good evening, you all. 


Monday, November 22, 2010

Space cadets...

Even though it is cool in the apartment, I'm not experiencing it as such, which goes to show you that it's all a question of imagination when you think you are cold. I've thought I was cold when it was much warmer in here and turned on the heater. It's true that I am sitting here in my bathrobe and my very warm slippers, but I was then also, so that's no excuse. 

I guess my own internal heater is working better this morning, although my hands are cold and I just stood by the back door where I was exposed to the cold wind that was blowing from the east. Even Tyke didn't stay out there long. It's starting to feel like winter, even though it's officially still a month away. 

It's a good thing that I got my very thick winter coat out and started wearing it. I would be freezing in my short leather jacket now. It isn't thick or long enough to keep me warm in this kind of weather. When the wind comes from the east. it's always cold in the wintertime. We say that it comes from Russia, and all things that come from Russia in the wintertime are cold. Even the vodka. 

I'm sitting here postponing doing some chores. It isn't even light outside yet, so I thought I could wait a while. I don't have to punch into a time clock. I know that I can do what I have to do in the shortest amount of time, it just depends on how organized I want to be and how quick I want to get done. I'm expecting my personal helper at 10:45 am and I have to be ready by that time. That gives me a little  bit of leeway. 

I was also expecting the Exfactor, but I got an email from him saying that his motorcycle was parked somewhere in Belgium with a flat tire and that he's going to fix it today. I don't know how he's getting over there. He didn't tell me the details of that. I do know that riding a motorcycle is a highly unpredictable thing to do, because things are always going wrong with it and it always needs to be fussed over. If it isn't a flat tire, it's something else. I don't know where the attraction lies, because a motorcycle seems very unreliable. I would definitely prefer to have a car. 

My domestic help is also going to be here today and that is a good reason to get some of my chores done, so that the apartment will be ready for a good cleaning. As you can see, I've got my day cut out for me. It will go by quickly anyway. Mondays are like that, although I prefer it if the Exfactor comes on Tuesdays when there is nobody else here. I think he has to work tomorrow, though. He does have to put his hours in, even though it is a part time job. Or especially because of that. 

Rainy days and Mondays don't get me down, as the song doesn't quite go. Those kind of days don't bother me. It would be worse if today were an empty day with nothing to do and no people to see. I do so long for the interaction on a regular basis. The times that people are here are the highlights of my day, even if they are only the domestic helpers. Company is company, and I'm like an old and lonely woman who craves it. 

We are going to have rain showers today. At least, they are predicted. We'll see if they really come about, because much is predicted and not everything happens. Many times we don't get any rain at all or just a few spatters. We really don't need the rain now, a little bit of sunshine would do very nicely. 

Tyke and Gandhi are both asleep. Thank goodness for small favors, because they have been active already this morning and Tyke pestered Gandhi and me until he drove us batty. He wanted to play and neither one of us was ready for it. It was too early in the morning. He does pick his moments, the darn dog. 

It's light now and I suppose I better get the show on the road. It is a good idea to get started while I still have the get up and go to do so. I may otherwise lose my momentum and sit down in the armchair and start watching the reruns of the news. I am so not impressed by the fact that Wills and Kate are engaged. We have our own royalty to watch and even they are only mildly interesting. 

Have a wonderful day!


Saturday, November 20, 2010

A pocket full of posies...

I think I've just about had enough coffee. I'm wide awake enough anyway. There are no cobwebs left in my mind whatsoever. I can think clearly now and I've taken Tyke for a walk in the not unpleasant morning temperatures. I suppose it is a little bit chilly, but when you're dressed warm enough, it isn't bad at all and there's no wind to speak of, so it's very enjoyable. 

It's always the wind that makes a day unpleasant and colder, especially at this time of the year. Especially if it comes from the north or the east, from Russia. Wind from the south and the west isn't as bad in comparison. Weather that comes to us via England is usually wet, as it comes from the Atlantic and carries lots of rain. The poor English people can't help it. 

We're lucky here in our little corner in the south in that a lot of it misses us and goes to the rest of the Netherlands. Sometimes we longingly look at the sky for some rain to come down, although lately we've had enough. There was a lot of flooding in Belgium and a lot of damage, but we did better and were better prepared. If there's one thing we've gotten good at, it's how to be prepared for an overabundance of water. There's a plan of which land behind the dikes of the rivers to flood if the water gets too high. 

The sun has come out and it promises to be a nice day. The sunlight is coming in through the living room windows and will warm the place up. I had the heater on for a while this morning to take the worst of the chill out of the air, though it was really nothing and it just seemed chilly. I don't know why that is at this time of the year, but it seems to be colder at reasonable temperatures that you wouldn't worry about if it were springtime or summer. And then consider the amount of clothes I wear inside, which are double layers. Silly, isn't it? 

The fallen leaves outside are decomposing and turning into a fine mess. They get stuck under my boots and I walk into the apartment with them. I walk on the grass with Tyke were they are in abundance and nobody rakes them up. I wonder what other fine messes I am unknowingly going to step in one of these days. I mustn't think about it. At least my boots can handle a mess, they are pretty sturdy. I still must buy those hiking boots, but I'm waiting until I have the money and hope the snow and ice hold off until that time. Wouldn't it be great if we had a mild winter? Wishful thinking, right? The weather is so kind to us now, that it is hard to imagine it turning against us with arctic conditions.

Tyke is barking at me, but I keep ignoring him, otherwise I'll get a spoiled dog. He does have to know that I'm not going to jump up and do something for him whenever he thinks I ought to just to keep him quiet. I try to keep him quiet for the neighbors, but they'll have to put up with a little bit of noise now and then. I'm going to get an ulcer otherwise. 

He's given up and gone to sleep and I'm going to end this epistle. I'm going to take my medicines and read my book and take a nap, because it's Saturday and because I can. 

Have a great day!


Friday, November 19, 2010

And all that jazz...

I'm having my second cup of coffee early on a chilly morning. I've got my bathrobe and slippers on, but I've just turned up the thermostat to get it a little bit warmer in here. I do think I deserve a little bit of comfort. My hands are cold and so is my nose, although I'm not suffering from frostbite yet. Conditions aren't quite that bad. It's only going to be cloudy today and not even rain, so we are blessed, although a little bit of sunshine would have been nice too. 

At least my feet are very warm and so is my stomach from the hot coffee. Pretty soon the rest of me will be also. It won't take too long for the apartment to heat up. That is the pleasant side effect of not living in too big a place. 

After having cut down on my tranquilizers yesterday, I managed to last on one that I took in the morning until 8 o'clock in the evening. Then I started to get stressed and anxious and I knew I would have to take another one. I didn't think that was too bad, because I had lasted all day on just that one in the morning. 

I hadn't really needed the one in the morning in combination with my other medicines and I won't take one this morning, but I will wait for the day to unfold and see when I need to take one. I'm going to try to limit it to one tranquilizer a day, but if I need to take two then I will. I'm not going to go through unnecessary stress when I don't have to. Reducing them a little at the time is fine. I can't expect to go from three of them during the day to just one all at once without any problems. I will see. 

Today my other personal helper is going to be here and so is the domestic help. That means it is Friday again and once again I find it impossible that it is. I still don't know what happens to the weekdays. They seem to speed by. Every time I turn around it is weekend and I wonder what happened to the rest of the week. 

It's not as if I have that awful many things to do during the week. It mainly seems to be a matter of trying to stay on an even keel and dealing with whatever events take place calmly. It's a good week if my mood is stable and if I can deal with the emotional things well and give them a place, like I'm doing right now with the subject I'm tackling in therapy. 

So, today will be the first day of the beginning of the weekend or it will be when everyone has been here and has gone. I will be left with a clean apartment and a sorted mind, at least I hope so. I hope my personal helper and I can put the world to rights or at least do the chores that need to be done together.

Now it's time to take my medicines and to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. I really don't want to go out there yet, it's so nice and warm in here. I suppose that I don't want the day to start yet officially. I'd like to postpone it another hour or so. It's still dark outside and not very enticing. I suppose it's the human condition to want to be warm and cozy and in the light.

Alright, off I go. Have a great day. 



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What's it going to be today?

I just heated up a cup of coffee for myself. It is coffee left over from this morning, so it's not the best cup in town, but it will have to do unless I want to make a new pot and I'm not sure about that yet. I don't know how awake and alert I want to be at this time of day. It may be that this one cup is enough to have me function the way I should. I will have to wait and see what happens.

I took a long nap on the sofa this afternoon. After I came home from seeing my SPN, I was quite done in. I sat in my armchair for a while and tried to recuperate. I had dealt with so many memories and so many emotions. I knew I also needed to get a rational point of view on all of it, but I was too wiped out to do it. I walked Tyke and then decided to lie down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket.

Now that I'm awake again, and can think about things with some distance between them and me, I can let go of all of the emotions and rationally approach the subject. I can see that there have been huge flaws in my thinking all along and that these have been masked by my overwhelming emotions and that the story would not have gone how I imagined it, no matter how good the circumstances. 

The fairytale that I had tried to pull off was bound to fail, only I had my head in the sand and refused to see the truth and to this day believed that if only a certain event had not happened, I would have lived happily ever after. I now see how delusional that was and how impossible of me to think it. I really believed that if I ignored all the bad and concentrated only on the good, we all would ride off into the sunset and have a happily ever after life.

It's about time that I look at this in a rational way. That I start to doubt and pick apart all the feelings and assumptions I have had about this period in my life. The explanation and emotional reasoning I had in place was just as much a fallacy as the fairytale I was trying to live back then. My explanation doesn't hold up under careful questioning. My reasoning is completely flawed. It's time to cut out the nonsense and to get down to reality. To look at things they really were and not the way I imagined they were. Or wanted them to be.

I'm getting rid of a lot of old sadness about this, very deep grief, as a matter of fact. The kind of grief that makes you crazy and leaves wounds. I finally have the opportunity to heal them and to look at my own role in all of it. Why I reacted the way I did and why I handled things the way I did. That's much more realistic than believing in the story of wrong assumptions and explanations  I've been walking around with.

I'm getting this straight in my head as I'm typing this, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about it. The subject doesn't leave my head, but it is with a certain amount of clarity and relief that I think of it. I know I'm not done with it yet. There will be more sessions spent on it, but they all will be fruitful. I will not waste my time regretting things that are over and done with. I've spent enough time doing that already. 19 Years as a matter of fact. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's time for our evening stroll. I will be lost in thought. 

Have a good evening!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

More coffee, please!

I'm brewing a pot of coffee and I have to be patient for just a little while. It will be done in the shortest amount of time. That's the drawback of having an ordinary coffeemaker, that you do have to wait, even if it really isn't for such a long time, but I am a modern human being and I want instant gratification. It's as simple as that. Even I at my age am a product of this era and I want everything available instantly.

That makes me sound like an impatient person and I'm really not. I can have infinite amounts of patience and wait endlessly for some things, but when it comes to the little comforts in life, I guess I'm not patient at all.

In the meantime, I have my cup of coffee and I can get on with things. I don't want to get bogged down in a treatise about patience and the virtue thereof and the benefits for those who wait. Much has been written about it already. You sure don't need my two cents worth on it. 

I've slept well, but I don't know if I've slept long enough. I had some trouble falling asleep last night and I got up after lying in bed feeling very bored and trimmed the hair around Tyke's eyes so he would be able to see better. I imagined that he was very grateful for that and as a result he wanted lots of cuddles and petting, so I laid in bed and provided that for half an hour.

My stomach was upset because of the fruit juice that I had just before I went to bed and I was forced to drink a glass of milk to settle it. That did help. I listened to an interesting political discussion on the radio and slowly drifted off to sleep. I won't get into the long, drawn out subject of the political discussion. A not so popular solution was found to solve a problem that could have ended the majority rule of the government. The opposition is digging in. Swords are being sharpened. There will be a debate. It will lead to nothing. 

That's not such an upbeat subject to blog about. Let's change it to something else. 

Contrary to what I thought, I don't have any appointments today, so today is a day off. I will do laundry and take a shower and wash my hair and generally try to stay out of trouble. I think I will go back to bed in a while and sleep some more. I have the feeling that I'm not quite done yet. I always do get sleepy after I've taken my morning medication anyway, which I just did. 
I can't drink another sip of coffee, I'm so full. My gastric band must have shifted, because lately I've been getting that feeling quickly. Or maybe I just don't handle coffee as well as I used to. I'll switch to milk and see if that makes any difference.

This is turning into a boring account of nothing special at all, so I'm going to end it now and go back to bed. 

Have a good morning!


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Have another cup, please.

It's early in the morning and I'm very contentedly sitting here drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. In other words, I'm going through my regular morning ritual. I've read blogs and commented on them and had a good time doing that. It's always very interesting to see what pictures and stories people come up with. It's a comfortable routine and a good way to start the day. 

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe on and my comfortable slippers that Aims made for me. They are very soft and warm and the best things to wear when you have cold and sore feet. Tyke is fascinated by them and can't figure out what happened to my feet when I wear them. He follows me around and tries to bite them as if my feet are trapped in there. When I don't wear them, I put them away very carefully in a high spot. I don't want any surprises. 

The rain has stopped for now and they say that the river is not going to flood, despite the amount of water that went into it here and in Belgium. There's supposed to be more rain today, but tomorrow the weather is getting better and we'll even get some sunshine. There was a lot of rain yesterday and it was almost impossible to take Tyke for a walk. My hair has dried up funny and I'll have to wash it, because it sticks up in unexpected places and is completely flat in others. 

The day went by quickly yesterday, despite the fact that I didn't do anything special, except for hang up a load of laundry to dry and wash one load. Of course, I slept very late and I went to bed early. As a matter of fact, I couldn't wait for it to be late enough to go to bed and I watched TV until it was. 

I do think lying in bed, listening to the radio until I fall asleep, is one of my favorite things to do. I don't care much about what I watch on TV. There's not that much on at night that I really care about. It doesn't matter if I miss a program, I'm not addicted to one. Listening to the radio while lying in bed is very cozy and I don't even mind if it's a report of a football game. I do learn to recognize the names of the players and their teams. 

I don't have anything on the program today, except that I'm supposed to go to my sister this afternoon at three o'clock. If the weather is bad, she's going to come and get me. I assume it will rain. I'm not willing to take the chance to get soaked on my bike. I do hate getting really wet. A little bit is okay, but soaked to the skin is another matter. Despite the fact that I live in a wet country, I don't have any rain clothes. That is something I need to rectify one of these days. I think I've said that before already. 

I do miss having a clothes dryer now. I very much would like to have one and not have to wait for things to get dry on the clothing rack. Some day, when I have the money, I would like to buy a combination washer/dryer. It must be possible to buy those second hand. There is man in town who deals in these things, maybe he has something like this at times. I'll have to get in contact with him and ask him if he ever does. 

I'm going back to bed in a little while to get the rest of my sleep. It's too early to stay up and, besides, it is Sunday and there's nothing better to do. It won't be light for a while yet and even then it will be gloomy and there will be no action outside whatsoever. It will be a good day to stay in bed and sleep late. If I were a farmer, I'd go milk the cows now and feed the chickens. Alas, I have no such luck. 

I'm starting to yawn, so it is time to go. I don't want my jaw to get stuck. It did again the other day, but I got it unstuck very quickly. It's a bit of a shock every time it happens. 

Have a nice Sunday. I hope your weather treats you right. 


Friday, November 12, 2010

Waiting for the rain to stop...

I'm waiting for the rain to stop, so I will be able to go to the gas station to buy cigarettes, but it looks like there's no end to it. I may have to bundle up and ride my bike through the rain and get wet. There are worse things, of course, but it's no pleasure I'm looking forward to. It's not something you do voluntarily. I'll have to do it to take care of my nicotine addiction, but that's not really voluntarily. That's more like I'm driven to. 

I also still have to take Tyke out for a walk and knowing him, he would not really mind going out in the rain, providing I would rub him dry well with a towel afterwards. If I'm going to get wet anyway, I may as well take him for a walk too. I may as well pretend I enjoy it and do this for my daily living. Mailmen have to go out in it, after all. I have yet to hear our mailman complain about the weather. Except when there's a heatwave. 

The really good part is that it's Friday evening and that means that it's officially weekend now, though why that should be such a big deal to me still puzzles me. For some reason I still think the weekend is special, because I can do what I want and with that I mean, sleep whenever I want to. As if I don't do enough of that during the week. I sure make a big deal out of sleeping, don't I? It seems to be such an important thing to me. I'm either short of it or doing too much of it. I never find the right balance. Or very rarely. 

I think I will buy enough cigarettes to last me all weekend so I will not have to worry about having to go to the store, because I just know that it's going to be emotionally stressful for me to go. Whatever I do now, will prevent me from having to do it later at a worse time. I anticipate anxiety and I want to be one step ahead of it. I have to make it as uncomplicated as I can. Getting wet in the rain is the least of my worries. At least I don't wear make up that can run.

I do wish I had a car. Those of you with cars, who take that for granted, don't know how lucky you are and how it simplifies your life. Things are so much easier when you have a car. I drove a car for 22 years, so I remember. 

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk before it gets too late. See you in a while..., I have gone to the gas station as well and got my supply of cigarettes and a chocolate bar. I couldn't resist it, not after having been out in the rain and wind. It was very stormy and wet on the bike, the walk with Tyke was a piece of cake compared to it. 

Now it is still a decent time in the evening and I'm all done doing things, except for hanging up a load of laundry. I'll do that tomorrow when I'll also change my bed. Oh, I can't wait to have clean sheets on the bed. What a joy! I know someone who only changes her sheets once every two weeks. I can't believe that. Maybe I'll even change the sheets tonight. That would make me excited about going to bed. I need all the excitement I can get. George Clooney is still not in there. 

Well, I think I will knit an end to this post, as we say here. I'm going to see what other kind of trouble I can get into. Oh yes, I'm going to change the bed...

Have a good evening!


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Getting caught up...

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I'm done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I'm having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I'll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I'm going to be up for a while and that I'm not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I've had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I've turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it's Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can't sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don't sit down together and do that. It's a case of mental block on my part. 

Onward I go. I must answer emails. 

Have a good evening.


About the little things...

I'm sitting here late in the evening with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I've already been to bed and asleep, but Tyke suddenly started to bark as if something was wrong. That woke me up in a hurry. I heard a car drive away, so that must have been it. He is over alert sometimes. I suppose that makes him a good guard dog, but I don't think the neighbors appreciate it. I generally do try to keep him quiet, so that I will get no complaints. 

Like I said, it woke me up in a hurry and my heart was in my throat. Talk about an adrenalin rush. I was afraid he was going to repeat himself and thought I had better get up. He is now sound asleep on the sofa with Gandhi and everything seems to be back to normal again, except that I am up and awake. I will try to go back to sleep at a later time when I am calmed down again. 

My upstairs neighbor has come ringing my doorbell once late at night and I don't want a repeat of that. It does make me nervous. He's very sensitive, because he is in the autistic spectrum, and uses that as an excuse not to be allowed to be bothered by anything. 

Anyway, I have to start the going to bed ritual all over again, so I will be here for a while yet. 
After I spent the day comatose because of the lack of coffee, I did get dressed and walk Tyke. I wore warm clothes without paying much attention to whether or not I was fashionably dressed. It was 41F degrees outside, but it didn't feel cold, because there was no wind. The sun was setting and the sky was covered in clouds. It was good to feel the cool fresh air on my face. 

Tyke frolicked through the leaves on the ground and picked up many scents. He is a true hunting dog, although I think he always follows the same trails. I suppose the same dogs walk there every day. He constantly has his nose to the ground, just like Jesker did and inhales deeply. He buries his nose in the grass as deep as possible. 

We almost missed the delivery boy from the pharmacy, whom I had forgotten about completely. I let Tyke carry the bag of medicine into the apartment. He did so very proudly. I do need a treat to get him to surrender it again. That's next on my shopping list. Tyke does think that every package and every bit of shopping is for him personally. I don't know where he got that idea. He has a real sense of ownership. 

The new brand of dog food is filling him up well and also does wonders for his turds. They are dry and hard and easy to pick up. What a difference with the old brand. Sorry about that subject, but as a dog owner that concerns me very much. 

Gandhi likes the new dog food very much too and always gets some of it. She stands at the ready on the kitchen counter to get her share of it. She also gets her regular kibbles and her dish of milk, so she's not getting a shortage of nutrients. She's getting a little bit plump, but she was always a very slender cat, so it's not too bad. I will put her on a fitness regime if it gets out of hand. I will have her do sit ups and push ups. It's a pleasure to see her eat well. 

I have to try and amuse myself for a while, because I'm wide awake. No doubt I'll find some kind of trouble to get into. There is always something to do in the blogging world. Somewhere in the world someone is writing a post. 


Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Spare time not spent sleeping...

I'm having myself a cup of coffee to get rid of this sleepiness I feel and have been feeling pretty much all day long. I've succumbed to it and slept a lot, but I'm yawning again and don't want to dislocate my jaw like I did this morning. It's making a lot of noise when I open and close it, so I better be careful. 

I'm looking forward to going to bed, though, and I can't wait for it to be late enough to go. I do want to wait until a decent enough hour. I want to make sure that I don't wake up too early in the middle of the night as I'm bound to. I don't have any appointments tomorrow and I can actually sleep as late as I want. So if I do get up in the middle of the night, I can go back to bed later and finish sleeping. 

The Exfactor was here today to do the rest of the grocery shopping. It was quite a relief to see a friendly face. Someone who didn't make any demands on me. That was nice. I didn't experience the visit of the personal helper that way yesterday. I felt that I had to perform and do something special while I was not up to it. I couldn't adequately explain how I felt to her. 

I don't know if I explained it well to the Exfactor, but it seemed to matter less. We had coffee together and chatted and he did the groceries and afterward we chatted some more. We didn't talk about anything really important. It didn't seem that way to me anyway. My perception may have been off a bit, though, because I still felt a lot of anxiety. It hadn't left my system yet. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon, and without going into the details of the long conversation that we had, I have to say that she helped me get to the core of the anxiety and the cause of it, and that since then I feel a lot better. The free floating anxiety is gone and I'm only left feeling very tired and wiped out, but with the feeling that I've really reached a destination that I had to get to. Something has been resolved. It will have to be talked about more, but the beginning is there. 

The tiredness that I feel is purely emotional tiredness. It's from carrying heavy loads around. It wears me out. Whenever I have periods when I'm in need of a lot of sleep, you can be sure that it's because I'm bearing a big emotional burden.

I do want to say that I have a lot of grief about my first marriage and the break up of it. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about that whole marriage and about my relationship with my first husband, There is an untold amount of feelings that I have not dealt with ever. I'm going to have to deal with them and I'm planning on doing that. There is an awful lot of pain there and I can't keep walking around with it. It's like constantly being in deep mourning. 

I'm going to put on my pajamas now and at least get ready for bed. It's another matter if I will actually get there right away. I may get sidetracked by some blogs. The intention will be there anyway. 

Have a good evening.


Monday, November 08, 2010

Been there, done that...

With all the courage I could master, I went to the store this morning. I got on my bike and rode it there like it was a daily occurrence. In my head I had prepared myself for all the possible things that could go wrong, down to the finest details. I really was prepared for anything at all. Nothing happened on the way over there and I parked my bike and got a shopping cart without any problems., but that's because I was so well prepared, you see.

Once I was inside the store, all my anxiety dropped away from me like it always does. I enjoy being in the store and would stay there forever if I could, just shopping and having a general good time. I enjoy picking out the things that I need and comparing prices and finding new items. I found some really neat lighters that look like mobile phones with antennas and, of course, I had to buy them. They're big and easy to keep track of. 

After I went through the check out, I was outside with my groceries and had to load them in my bicycle bags and they just fit. I was a little nervous about riding my bike home, but it was not nearly as bad as having ridden it over there. I had the job more than halfway done, the rest was easy. I had some anxiety on the way home, but I made it safely there and wheeled my bike inside the hallway. Tyke was full of curiosity and so was Gandhi.

At the sight of the cans of dog food, Gandhi started to meow very loudly. She figured out immediately what was in them. I gave her some of a can and Tyke the rest. Gandhi ate as if she had been starved for three days. Tyke was more nonchalant than that. He's a cool dog. 

I spent the rest of the day in a coma, even though my personal helper was here and so was the domestic help. I did briefly wake up for my personal helper, but slept while the domestic help did her work. I had no choice, I was wiped out. It felt like I had done a day's worth of heavy labor and it was all just emotional exhaustion. I'm awake now with the help of coffee, but I could just as easily be asleep again. I will wait for the proper time tonight, though. 

And so you see. the saga of the grocery shopping does have a happy ending for me after all. It was like giving birth to an elephant through my head, but in the end I did it. I hope I don't have to do it again for a long time and if I do, I hope that somebody comes with me. I do feel injured, as if I've been in a battle, and I would have liked to have had the company of someone. I didn't realize it was going to be that difficult.

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I have to decide if I'm going to have another cup. I am still yawning and I think that's good. That means I can probably go to sleep when the time comes and hopefully stay asleep. I did buy extra milk today, so I can start drinking that. It will be a joy to. There's nothing better than a glass of cold milk, beside a good cup of coffee, that is.

I've got to walk the dog and take my medicines. There's always some schedule to stick to. Have a good evening. It's only cold here. No rain. 41F. 


Brewing coffee...

Tyke has managed to get my cigarettes and lighter from the third shelf of the bookcase in my bedroom and chew the lighter to pieces, leaving me with one lighter that doesn't work at all and one lighter that works badly. This is, to say the least, very frustrating and I have a sore thumb to prove it. Luckily, I have a stove lighter that barely works and that will do for now. After that, I don't know what I will do. I hope the supermarket will be open by that time. 

I had the windows open during the night, but it was much too cold and I closed most of them and turned on the heater when I got up. Now I'm sitting here nice and warm in my bathrobe drinking my first cup of coffee. I think I will be okay in a little while. There is hope for recovery yet. Coffee does wonders, after all, and this is only my first cup. Imagine what the second cup will do. I should stop yawning soon. 

I got into my cold bed last night and slowly heated up a spot for myself. I listened to the results of the football games as I did. Little by little I got warmer and sleepier, until I drifted off to sleep. Falling asleep is always the easiest thing to do. Staying asleep is the toughest thing. 

It's quite a nice thing to heat up a spot for myself in the cold bed. I think about getting an electric blanket, but I think I would miss the ritual of warming up the bed with my body. The initial coldness makes you appreciate the warmth afterwards all the more, especially when you get your arms under the duvet and the duvet up to your chin.

So, I've got to go to the supermarket first thing this morning and then do some chores. The Exfactor can't come and do any groceries today. I will have to get what I need myself. This is quite nerve wrecking to me, but it must be done. If I go at 8 o'clock, there will hardly be anyone there and I will have the store to myself. Those are the most user friendly circumstances. I dislike riding my bike over there and having to get the groceries on it. I do wish I had a car. It would make everything so much simpler. I feel so vulnerable on my bike. It gives me a panic attack. 

I think I will do my chores as soon as I've finished drinking my coffee. There's no point in waiting until the last minute. It will feel good to get them out of the way. I still have to hang up all that laundry and I have to clean up the kitchen. It will give me some sense that things are under control and that's a better base to start the rest of the day from. 

I've just taken my medicines and I've taken two tranquilizers in the hope that it will calm me down enough to be able to take care of things in a peaceful way. It will be wonderful to not have this feeling of extreme anxiety.

Wish me luck and have a very good day.


Sunday, November 07, 2010

On a Sunday afternoon...

Even though I slept for a long, long time, I had to make a pot of coffee, because I was getting so sleepy that I was getting ready to lie down on the sofa for a nap. I didn't want to spend a whole afternoon sleeping, though, therefor I made the coffee and I just drank a cup of it. It is so strong, that it is waking me up already, although I won't jubilate too soon and better wait for what the second cup will do to me. 

I don't know why I thought I could do without a cup of coffee when I woke up. I actually did without for more than three hours and in that time I also let Tyke out. Am I a silly woman, or what? I didn't even have a glass of juice to compensate, nor a glass of milk. I sat here with my cigarettes and acted like I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I didn't for a while. I have been know for my absentia.

Now Tyke is expecting me to play with him and the ball and his rawhide bone at the same time that I type this, so I am slightly distracted. I throw the ball and he brings it back, but he won't let go of it. I'm supposed to get it away from him. He finally lets go of it if he gets too frustrated with me. That's when I ignore him, tired as I get from trying to get it away from him without success. It's basically an exercise in mutual frustration. 

When we went out for a walk, we met the Yorkshire Terrier puppy and I let Tyke off the leash so he could play with it. He had a very good time running around with it. Tyke towers above that puppy, but he thinks he's still one himself, so it's lots of fun watching them play. That little puppy is fast and runs underneath Tyke and jumps around him like a rubber ball bouncing. It's good for Tyke to try to keep up. It wears him out. 

It's a colder and overcast day today. It's already on the dark side in the living room and I really ought to have the lights turned on. I'm sitting by the light of the desk lamp. There are kids playing outside, so that does create some liveliness. Otherwise it would be a dull day. I am doing alright today, though, compared to yesterday when I was not doing well at all. Yesterday was also my daughter's birthday, so I'm sure that contributed to my feeling bad. 

Oh, it has just started to rain outside, that must be why it is so dark in here. It is because of the rain clouds. We are nice and cozy inside here and don't have a thing to worry about. I don't mind the rain as long as I'm inside and I don't have to go out in it. It's a different matter altogether if I have to go out on my bike. It's better to walk places under my umbrella if it is at all possible.

Yesterday afternoon the sun was shining, but I was not in the proper mood to enjoy it. As far as I'm concerned it was a wasted day and not one worth repeating. Days like that are so unnecessary and I don't think I learn anything from them either. They are a complete waste of effort and emotion. 

Thank goodness there are Sundays on which you can recuperate from Saturdays. You can sleep a lot, which is usually what you need, and you can take your time and do whatever is right for you at the moment. 

I like to be a bit unstructured, because it's the only day on which I allow myself that. I sleep more, as if I have to catch up on that. It's the one day on which I don't worry all too much about how I'm dressed. I take a break from that. I just wear whatever is lying in my rattan chair. I don't worry about my hair and how it's fixed and if it's good enough. In other words, it's a real day off. 

The coffee has completely cleared my mind of cobwebs and I'm not sleepy anymore, although I am looking forward to going to sleep tonight. That's just the coziness of getting into my pajamas and under the duvet. A person can look forward to that very much. I still have the windows open at the top and it's still not very cold in here. It's 46F outside, but for some reason the apartment stays warmer. 

I hope you're all having a nice Sunday. 


Friday, November 05, 2010

Too normal...

I'm so incredibly normal, that I suspect that I took a dose too many of one of my medications today. I can't be sure, but I strongly suspect it. Of course, there's nothing I can do to undo it, so I just have to live with it. Isn't that awful, living with being too normal?

To offset it, I've made myself a pot of coffee and I'm having the first cup now. The pot has been hand washed by the domestic help herself, and hand dried by me, as was the rest of the paraphernalia, so I'm drinking a clean cup of coffee. As if there's any other kind to have. Right? 

I didn't sleep last night and didn't go to bed until early in the morning. I woke up just before the Exfactor got here and had just made coffee. I was still coughing from my first cigarette and walking around in my bathrobe. Tyke was the first one to hear the Exfactor's motorcycle from a distance and he ran to the window to have a look and then ran to the front door to get ready to greet him. He is so enthused when he knows the Exfactor is coming. 

The Exfactor went to the store for me to pick up a few things I had run out of, but later I realized that there were more things I needed, so I will have to go there myself tomorrow. The domestic help discovered that several cleaning products were gone and those replacement girls had not told me they were. Bad show all around. I will also have to get more dog food, because Tyke is eating a lot right now and I'm running out. 

The Exfactor and I did have a chance to drink coffee and talk about his work and I got him to off load a bit about what sort of stress he was dealing with. It turns out that a lot of it is still unresolved stress from his old job and we talked about that. I'm trying to get him to lighten the load by talking about it. I hope it will help. I will keep doing this. I figure I get a chance to do it once a week, so he should get a chance to do it also. All he needs is a listening ear and a little bit of guidance. I think I'm qualified to provide those.

It's 57F outside and I have all the windows open at the top. It isn't cold in here, but there's enough of a draft to air out the apartment, which was necessary. I will keep them open as long as possible. I don't need to turn the heater on now anyway. It is going to get colder over the weekend, so I will have to see what I'm going to do then, but I hope I can leave them open, because I gets smelly in here from the smoke. It's nicer to lie in bed with the windows open at night too, although I wouldn't know a thing about that, of course, not sleeping at night as I do. 

I am happy that it is weekend again and all I have to do is some paperwork that's not going to take a lot of my time. I'll try to get it done tomorrow and walk to the mailbox with Tyke. I also have to get my flu shot tomorrow morning. I'll be busy in the morning then it looks like. I do like to get things out of the way, as long as I'm not sleeping that is. I do waste a lot of my day sleeping when I stay up all night. I wonder if that is part of the purpose? To avoid the day? 

I washed a big load of laundry today and I still have to hang it up to dry. It is raining outside and it will be this weekend. The laundry will have to dry inside. I don't mind because it makes the bathroom smell good. It does help if I take it down and put it away on time. The laundry that's on the drying rack now has been there forever. Sometimes I do lie down on the job. I get some things done perfectly and other things slip through the cracks. It's hard being perfect. Who do I think I am anyway? 

I must go and walk Tyke. He has had a big meal and I'm sure it is necessary that he goes outside. I don't think the patio will do. I've had enough coffee and I think I will switch to cold milk. I will have to buy more tomorrow. 

Have a good night, all of you!


Thursday, November 04, 2010

A slow start...

It's the end of the afternoon and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is getting dark and I have the lights turned on in the living room. I don't think I'm going to have much time to sit here and write, because Tyke is getting agitated and I think he may want to go out in a while. He has to be patient for a little while, though, while I finish my coffee.

The coffee is not very good. The Exfactor made it earlier this afternoon when he was here to pick up a package that had been delivered for him. He doesn't make a very strong pot of coffee and I have to remember that the next time I ask him to make a pot. I'll tell him to put a few tablespoons more coffee into the filter. It's no wonder he makes his ground coffee last so long.

I was still in bed when he got here and the blinds were still closed. I had been up during the night and gone to sleep early in the morning. Luckily, I was truly done sleeping or I would have been in a stupor the whole time that he had been here. I would not have made much of a conversationalist. As it was, I didn't want to say to him that I didn't like his coffee, so I had to find a different subject to talk about. 

Fortunately, there was Tyke who climbed on my lap and gave me kisses and he was a great distraction. If you don't know what to talk about, talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids. There was Gandhi too, of course, who also wanted to sit on my lap, only Tyke was jealous and did not want her to. He shoved her out of the way. Luckily, she is bouncy enough to always end up gently on her feet. He does treat her like a rubber toy. 

The Exfactor always spends half of his time talking about the intricate details of his work, which are always the same and very boring. Apparently what the heart is full of, the mouth runs over with. I think he actually experiences a lot of stress and releases it by talking about it with me, because he always tells me the same things. I pretend to be interested and make all the right noises and never act like I'm bored. I feel his need. 

Maybe he can't talk about it anywhere else. I do fulfill some purpose in his life. He is coming back tomorrow to pick up the package because he didn't have the right carrier on his motorcycle. He is also going to the store for me and we will have a chance to talk some more. I will dig deeper into the issue. Maybe he can air his heart a little bit more. 
My personal helper was here this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because we had an appointment with my GP. I was a bit nervous about this because it was all so official and serious in my eyes. She said not to worry about it, that it was no big deal, but I had other thoughts about it. We walked over there a bit before 3 pm and soon it was our turn. 

Together we told our story about why we were there and found out that the GP did know about my psychiatric history up to a point, but had not been updated in quite a few years. He did know a number of things about me, but not everything, so we informed him as much as possible and he asked for an official update from my SPN or psychiatrist with all the relevant information in it too.

That was really all there was to it. He knows now about the extra help I get from the Green Cross, both in the form of personal and domestic help and that I live alone and take care of myself. Well, up to a point I do. I'm not married nor do I have a partner or other live in care. 

I suppose I felt some amount of relief when it was done, but I also felt like I had aired the dirty linen and for the umpteenth time had told the story that I don't want to repeat anymore.  I would much rather go in there for a sprained ankle instead of a broken soul. Ha! That's a play on words that I had not intended...

...I just took Tyke out for a walk and the wind was blowing mightily. It wasn't cold and it felt great. It was blowing the leaves in whirls all around. It's fun to see Tyke run through the heaps of them. His little legs get covered by them and he's in them up to his belly. I'm pretty sure that he enjoys it very much too. I wonder how he's going to react to snow, although I really don't want to think of that at all. Bbbrrr...

I've got to get something to eat, I'm hungry. I would Like a meatball, but I don't have one in the apartment. Can someone send me one?

Have a good evening!


Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Coffee and cigarettes...

I'm accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes. 

When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all. 

There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.

I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called 'On My Own' and it is about successfully being a single woman. It's available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful. 

It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today's society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we're brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us. 

We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950's when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn't. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?

We're full fledged members of society now and there's no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible. 

Enough of the soapbox.

I'm sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That's the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don't want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one. 

I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don't think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.

My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn't take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm... I should really eat Nutella and I'll put that on the shopping list next. It's better for you with all those hazelnuts in it. 

I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can't believe the difference. It's a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too. 

It's early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I'm not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke's done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn't it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure. 

Have a nice day!


Tuesday, November 02, 2010

So early in the morning...

If you want to read about the computer modem and about dreams and early morning happiness, you can do that here, and I highly recommend it to get you into the proper mood. It does require some of your time, but I'm sure you have some extra of that lying around on a lazy Tuesday morning in November while  it is cold outside. 

I'm cold myself inside in the early morning hours and have just turned the  thermostat up to a more comfortable temperature. It will be toasty warm here in a little while, It doesn't take much to heat up the apartment and I will be able to turn off the heater in a while again and it will stay warm enough in here. That's the comfort of living in a small place that's not too drafty. 

I've been up long enough now to have a sore bum from sitting in my desk chair, but then I get one easily for having broken my tail bone once. It does get uncomfortable if I sit in one position for a while. I have to shift my rear end a lot. I should sit on many soft downy pillows, but I don't have those and the ones from my bed don't work. They are not soft enough and only make the problem worse. They are okay for a head, but not for a bum. 

The coffee tastes especially nice this morning, but then I made a strong pot of it. I measured generously and gave the coffee a real kick, just the way I like it. I do so dislike a weak cup of coffee, like you get in roadside diners along American highways. Truckers are supposed to be happy with that. I bet if they had their say it would be a little bit stronger to make the long haul more bearable. 

I've never had a worse cup of coffee than in those diners, even though they pour it generously. The exception being that French roadside restaurant that had atrocious coffee that didn't deserve the name and did the French reputation shame. They are supposed to have the best cup of coffee on the continent, although I tend to disagree and think that we do. Some chauvinism is involved.

I've had my medicines and am waiting for them to work and assume I will be nice and mellow then, although I am not unhappy now. I've decided to take two tranquilizers during the day, those make me just relaxed enough. One was pushing my luck just a little bit and I was on edge unnecessarily. They are a very low dose and I'm not worried about them. I barely notice them working, but they do make a difference. 

I have to go see my SPN this afternoon and I will find out when the reassessment of my treatment will be. It should be this week and I will be present during it, so I hope it doesn't conflict with any of my other appointments. There should be a bit more careful planning as it can't be assumed that I'm always available, but that doesn't seem to have dawned on anybody. I will make that a point today. Some things are left very unclear.

There's some question as to whether I'm going to bed again now to sleep some more or drink more coffee to stay fully awake. There's a great temptation to stay up and get dressed and take Tyke for a walk in the cold November air. It's foggy outside again, but not especially very cold and there's no wind, of course. I'm slightly loopy, though, and may not be able to make a long walk. 

It's possible that the cold air will wake me right up and I will be full of vigor again once I'm out. I do wish I had a country lane to saunter down and Tyke to let off the leash. It would be such a much more pleasant walk. We'll have to do with the sidewalks of the suburbs and the semi pleasant trees and shrubbery of that landscape. And the layers upon layers of fallen leaves that have not been swept yet and that's going to be an impossible task.

For now Tyke is sound sleep on the sofa and there is not a peep out of him, so I have some time. He has been out back early this morning to do his biggest business, so there's no rush. I do appreciate when he does that. It takes the pressure off to get going immediately. I can be a little more leisurely.

I'm going to get another cup of coffee and bid you goodbye. I will get dressed and see how far I get. Maybe I will get stuck halfway though and will have to join Tyke on the sofa for a quick nap. 

Have a fantastic Tuesday.