Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Past midnight...

Now, in case any of you are wondering, I am not hypomanic. Let me make that perfectly clear. I'm not having to peel myself off the ceiling from joy. Nor am I showing any sort of irresponsible behavior. I'm not ordering things on line that I can't afford or making promises that I can't keep or doing anything to endanger my safety. I am just having a writing compulsion and you can look at it as sort of an excentric bit of behavior that I am exhibiting right now, but it is completely harmless. It is odd, I agree with that, but it is also funny and I am amused by it and I hope you will all be amused by it with me.

I don't know where this drive is coming from, but it may be a side effect from my pills, like I have other side effects that I am pleased with, although this one may be considered a mixed blessing. I know you can't keep up with the amounts op posts I'm publishing, but although I would like that very much, I can't expect it of you and we'll just see this as Nora writing for her own sake and getting all her loose thoughts down and publishing them in a public forum, so they exist. Besides that, I find this a very pleasant way to spend my time and I'm always up for the challenge of what I will write about that might be the least bit interesting.

I don't like to write about my memories very much, although I have many and could entertain you with all sorts of them, both joyful and sad, but I have decided not to live in the past anymore, at least not consciously, and I would hate to purposely write a story down from my long ago. I will tell you a flash of a memory.

*We used to go for walks in the forest and my father, who had big muscles in his arms, would swing from tree limbs and make that sound like Tarzan made and I used to think that was the neatest thing. I had a very fun father.*

Flashes of memory are okay and you'll have to remind me to give you more of these and they will probably all involve my father, because I had the most amount of fun with him.

In the meantime I'm writing all these missives as if I am a woman on a secret mission and I have to write as many reports as I can about the state of affairs of my intended target. Well, my intended target is me, who else do you write about in a blog post, which is the ultimate ego document. Never in my whole life have I been able to be so much the focus of attention as I have been here and I hope it's not gone to my head and I'm suffering from delusions of grandure. It's very possible, you know, that these pills have given me a mega-ego and that I think I am everything the world revolves around. The fact that I am thinking that must not make it true.

I have taken my medicines nearly an hour ago and you would think that they'd work by now but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm as wide awake as an owl at midnight.

Well, if it's going to be one of those night I better prepare myself for it and make sure I have enough to do. I'm not going to change the living room around, I like it fine the way it is, but I'm sure there are some other interesting things to do. I've washed the striped cover of the arm chair and I can put that back on. I can also wash the sofa cushion covers, although the washing machine may make too much noise. I better save that for during the day, because I have to vacuum the sofa too. I can complete my email address book. Noiseless things, that's what I have to do. Writing many blog posts with yourself as the main character is very noiseless.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I might be smart if I got a little bit of sleep before that time. It wouldn't do if I sat there all wired and manic. It would definitely give the wrong impression. She would call in my psychiatrist and they would reduce my new medication, because it has been known that at the dose I take it people can get manic from it.

Never mind, go with the flow. Let anything that happens now take place and see where it takes you. Who knows where you will end up and what you will discover along the way. It could be quite a revelation. Any kind of alteration to the mind is an opportunity for new discoveries and experiences as long as you don't approach them with fear or think of them as something scary taking place inside of you that you have no control over, because you do to a certain extent. You just can't completely give yourself over to it, you do have to retain some amount of control.

Just tell yourself that and you will see what happens. You will find out that you enter the state of mind with a certain amount of watchfulness and not at all as helpless as you thought you were and I think that goes for any state of mind. We can always be the observer and keep a certain amount of disance from ourselves and not be completely pulled in by our own emotions.Keep a healthy distance from yourself and it will hurt and bewilder you less.

I feel wide awake now, but not at all hypomanic. I feel very calm and peaceful, and whatever flighty feelings I had a while ago are gone now and I have been brought back to earth to where both my feet are planted. My head is not in the clouds and I do not feel like flying off into the big blue yonder and letting all my responsibilities fall behind me. I've called myself back to order by being my own observer and taking distance from my own feelings and state of mind. I removed myself from the situation and walked away from it. You may have to literally do that.

So you see, my ego document is turning out not to be so megalomaniac after all. In the end I turned out to be quite sane. Those of you who disagree are free to do so. It's all a matter of interpretation. I'm making sense to me, but maybe I'm not making sense to you. Then we are just two ships passing in the night, which is a shame. I just hope that neither one of us is the Titanic ;0)

I'm going to end this insightful saga now, but no doubt there will be more tonight, so hold on to your seat belts. I'm on my soapbox.



Bernie said...

I am a bit worried about you, I hope you are fast asleep now my friend. Will check in tomorrow for an update......:-) Hugs

Twain12 said...

i hope you got some sleep too. As for the writing i'm with the end it should be for you , not the readers. Like a diary just a public one.
have a good day

Frances said...

you are not sounding manic Irene. For one thing you are considering it. When hypomania takes over you no longer think of it. You are a bit high, but that may be the change of meds, the longer days, the passing of the winter blues, things going well for a while... Just do watch it if you start re-installing Ubuntu or going shopping... LOL

Gail said...

I agree with Frances. You are still in charge but I sense an urgency that was not there before.

I hope sleep found you and you are resting.