Blogging.

Because of my newly acquired change of attitude, there is a difference in how I approach this blog. I am not sure anymore what I want to write about while that has never been a problem in the past. In the past I wrote down the minutest details of my life whether they mattered or not and now it seems like a silly exercise. 

I don't know what I want to share with you instead although I have already given it a lot of thought. It doesn't seem important anymore to write down all sorts of things that I ponder on and that happen in my life and this blog's use as a kind of confessional has certainly ended. It's also not the life line it used to be. 

I've got to find a different use for it and I can only do that by trying out different subjects and making myself comfortable writing about them.

My daily life hasn't changed a lot, so I am not suddenly going to entertain you with stories of all new adventures. My attitude and inner life have changed, that's where the difference lies. 

It's good for a body to do with less medication. In a less drugged state, a whole new world opens up to you and you get to be in touch with your emotions which turn out not to be such scary things after all.

A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Metamorphosis...

I'm happy to report that the medication for my headache is working well and that as long as I take it on time, I am pain free. It is really an anti-inflammatory medicine and I take one pill every eight hours and that is just good enough. I can't tell you what a relief it is not to be in pain anymore and to be able to move around normally. It's just plain wonderful. 

I'm so glad I went to the doctor and that he figured out so quickly what the problem was. I think he deserves a medal for that. That's how grateful I am. I could still be walking around in pain and I shudder at the thought. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee having just woken up from a sound sleep in my new bedroom. The dog howled once and that was enough to immediately awaken me.I was a little confused about my whereabouts but soon figured it out. I was not in Kansas anymore but in the bedroom that had until just the day before been the junk room. 

The domestic help had cleaned it and you could literally eat off the floor. It was all the more obvious that the room needed painting, but now I know that the whole apartment does and it's going to be a big job that I'm not ready to tackle yet. I don't know when I will be able to and I think It;s going to take a small army to do the job. Either that, or a professional painter. I'll have to see how expensive that is. 

The domestic help is a peach. She didn't bat an eye when I asked her if she could clean the bedroom but was enthusiastic right away. She did a great job and when I asked her to help me move the furniture, she was more than eager to help and we worked as a great team together. She doesn't have to do that kind of work at all, but she likes to do me favors. We get along well.

After she left, I added some decorative touches to the room. I have a vase with lighted branches on a high plant stand and I strung up some fairy lights on the shelf system in the corner by the window to make it look cozy and festive. I added items to the bookcase along one wall and hung up a painting above it. I've got the dog's cushion beside my bed and the dog and the cat on my bed where they think they rightfully belong. 

The Exfactor came later in the afternoon but he didn't put the furniture together for the guest room. He had gone to work at seven o'clock in the morning and didn't have the energy left to do it. I could excuse him for that. He's going to do it on Monday or Tuesday and I will wait patiently. I have no other choice to tell you the truth. My sister can't help because she'll be in Italy. I may try to do it by myself, I'll see. It may be a two person job but I may be able to do it on my own. 

I'm having hot flashes as I sit here and I do think I'm too old for those. My fingers are swollen up too. My hormones must be off balance. I've got to blame it on something. 

I hope you're all havng a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Please skip the scepticism...

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day. 

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person. 

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper. 

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant. 

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in. 

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Ciao,

Nora

A tale before bedtime...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off because I'm drinking ice cold milk and hadn't been smart enough to put my bathrobe on first. It does make a difference if you do and I'm now waiting to start warming up again. 

It isn't really that cold in here, despite the fact that the bedroom windows are open still and that it's an autumn night outside. It was just my body suddenly cooling down after I had sat here quite comfortably in my pajamas for a while drinking coffee. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up with a perspiring head and wet hair. That's a side effect of the medication increase, I know now. I used to think that it was because I was in the menopause, but I think I've got that well behind me.  At my age I should be. I'm not having hot flashes during the day. 

This is the second night that I only took one tranquilizer and if anything, I feel even more normal now. I most definitely don't feel under the influence of anything, although doubtlessly I still am. But what I take now is so little compared to what I used to take that it's bound to make a major difference.

After I had been up in the middle of the night the night before last, I only slept for a while longer and got up fairly early in the morning. I didn't take my usual nap all day and also didn't feel the need to drink a lot of coffee. I was pretty alert all on my own and in a good mood. 

I started fading after dinner yesterday and went to bed early. I had clean sheets on the bed and that was a sheer pleasure. I put my head down on the pillows and pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and was asleep pretty quickly after that.

Now I'm yawning and tired, which I wasn't the night before last. I think I will go to bed shortly and have myself some proper sleep.

I wore my cowboy boots yesterday with my skinny jeans and felt like a regular tough broad. I liked walking the dog and stomping around in them. It made me feel as if I was making a statement. Especially since I was wearing my leather jacket also. Accessories make the woman. 

Have a good day when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Harrowing tales of nothingness...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with one of the best cups of coffee that I ever made and am enjoying it very much. Sometimes I get lucky and the coffee turns out great. I don't know why that is. I seem to do everything the same as I always do, but the result is different and better somehow. 

I always blame it on Juan who picks the best beans in Columbia and that I happened to get a good batch of them, but this is ground coffee from an opened pack and I'm sure there is no difference in the quality from yesterday's coffee. 

I'll blame it on my own good mood then and my taste buds, which are on this occasion finely tuned and able to appreciate the experience especially well. My senses must be very alert.

I expect two of my senses to be better developed some time soon and those are my sense of taste and smell. I'm planning on quitting smoking soon and I expect that over time those two senses will improve quite a bit, although I don't expect any miracles overnight. I remember from the last time I tried to quit that the improvement didn't happen all of the sudden. 

I'm looking forward to quitting smoking and can't wait for the day to arrive that I will. I'm visualizing myself as a nonsmoker in my head so much, that I'm ready to be one. Because I've tried to quit before, I know what the pitfalls are and what I'm up against. I hope that will make this attempt more successful. 

Despite my misgivings about yesterday and it being my least favorite day of the week, it actually was a fine day. My mood was good and the day went by quickly and without a hitch. All the things I worried about ahead of time, turned out to have been unnecessary. The stress that I felt on Sunday had disappeared by the next day, so I was left unworried. 

I don't know why I felt so uptight on Sunday and why I was so worried about the next day being Monday and a difficult day. I anticipated too much trouble when there turned out not to be any. Maybe Sunday itself was a difficult day without me consciously realizing it and it had bothered me more than I was aware of. 

I'm a victim of my own fickle mood system which doesn't always work faultlessly. There are day to day nuances in it that I'm not always aware of and that make a difference in how I experience my life at a given moment. The nuances can be big enough to really make a difference that's bothersome and completely alter my attitude. I'm not a finely tuned machine, much as I'd like to be. 

My psychiatrist said that I could use an extra tranquilizer during the day if I felt the need for it, but I feel that my stress level has come way down now. It may not at all be necessary.  The problem with the tranquilizers is that they are downers and that they can make you feel sad. I'll avoid them if possible. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday during which he wants to see how I am doing on the increased medication. 

In the meantime, I've switched from coffee to cold milk and I'm appreciating that very much also. I managed to make the milk last for a whole week by being a little more frugal with it. This morning the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and I have enough milk left to drink and to use for coffee when he gets here. 

He's got to buy rawhide bones for the dog because he's going through them like they are candy canes. He chews them up in the shortest amount of time and goes through whole packages of them. There's nothing that makes him happier than a rawhide bone. 

I hope you'll all have a good day or a good night, whichever comes first.

Ciao,

Nora

Continuing upwardly mobile...

In my case I mean to say that I continue to feel better and that the increase in medication is working. I don't feel bereft any longer, although I'm still not quite back to normal. That will happen with time, I'm sure. I don't have things completely under control and my household is not up to par, but I can live with that for the moment. I'm not a desperate housewife yet and this is not her diary. 

All will be well by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here and together we will straighten out the place and things will be right as rain for the weekend. I'm looking forward to that very much as usual. Bless the days off on the weekend. I will never take them for granted. 

I'm having a much needed cup of coffee and I made it strong the way I really like it. I have enough of a supply of ground coffee to allow myself to do that again. I took a nap this afternoon and I was very much sound asleep. I wasn't just dozing like I sometimes do. That necessitated the caffeine to wake me up properly. 

I walked the dog before the first cup of coffee had really done its work and made the walk short so I could have a second cup quickly. I made sure the dog did all that he had to do and sniffed in enough places and peed against enough blades of grass and bushes. After he had set his boundaries, we returned home in a hurry. 

I'm really awake now and could have a conversation if there were someone to talk to. The deliveryman from the pharmacy was here, but he was in a hurry to deliver the rest of his medicines. I couldn't pull him into the front door. He would have protested loudly and the neighbors would have noticed.

I try talking to the dog, but all he does is wag his tail and demand to be petted. It doesn't matter what the subject is. It's all blah blah to him. 

I must do some chores before 'Inspector Frost' comes on. I've been neglecting some things and must take care of them before I sit down and get comfortable. I also want to get into my pajamas and bathrobe so I will be ready for bed when the time comes. Oh yes, I still have to eat too. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

A load off my mind...

I'm sitting here drinking coffee after I woke up from a nap in the dark and cool bedroom. It was most pleasant and I had an interesting dream in which I remembered the name of a medication that I want to ask my GP about. I just googled it and it exists here. I haven't used it in 18 years, but it's a most helpful one for a woman in her middle aged years. I can't wait to get it now. It's Metamucil, orange flavored. If it hadn't been for that dream, I wouldn't have remembered the name. 

The cat got a new flavor cat food. I was afraid that she wasn't going to like it as I tossed out what was left over of her old one and poured the new one into her bowl. However, she went for it immediately and has been chowing down on it ever since. She apparently does not have very discriminate tastes. I'm hoping that she'll continue to like this new one because it comes in a much larger, more economical bag that closes airtight.

The dog acts like he is jealous of her new food while I know in my heart that he has no interest in it whatsoever. It's just the newness of it that appeals to him. Besides, he always thinks that he has to be in on everything thats new and available. Luckily, the cat eats her food on the kitchen counter, well away from the dog, so she is safe. She does always leave behind many footprints that I constantly have to wipe away, especially when it is rainy and they are muddy.

We are expecting a shower tomorrow afternoon, but I won't hold my breath for it. Such things have been predicted in the past without actually coming about. We're having a bit of a heatwave right now, though the temperatures are still bearable. It's 81F right now, which is warm for the time of year. It's only May, after all.  Oh, and I saw my first red poppies growing. What a sight. 

Today was a nice enough day. Nothing spectacular happened. It was just a plain ordinary day that went by quickly. I did laundry and an extra load to get an opportunity to wash my bathrobe which was due for it. It was full of stains and very grubby. I would have been embarrassed to be seen in it. Luckily, I very seldom am. I don't get caught off guard that often. 

I wore my Capri leggings and a cotton tank top and my sandals. It was as summery as I could get. That's the least amount of clothes I'll wear in public. It is funny to go out so skimpily dressed. You feel like you've not got enough clothes on. Fortunately, you notice that everyone else is similarly dressed.

Well, I've got to take the dog for a walk. It is that time of day again. I've also got to take my medicines. If I want to stay sound of mind, I better not forget that. I hope you're all having a good day and that the weather is treating you well. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up with myself...

Thank god it's Friday! The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place and now I get to enjoy the results all in my own company. There is something to be said for that. Being alone in a clean place is sort of like being alone in a temple without an altar, unless you count the computer desk as one. It makes you feel very peaceful and tranquil and you know that for a while everything will stay as uncluttered  and clean as it is. Until you dirty that first ashtray and that first soup bowl and glass for you milk. It's almost a sin to move around in here and I do it reluctantly. 

The fact that it's Friday adds some joy to my life, although I can't for the life of me figure out why it does so much. You'd think I was going on a mini vacation or something. I act like I have something wonderful to look forward to, while all it is is two empty days to do with as I please. And I will do nothing important with them at all. I will sleep late and watch a lot of television and walk the dog and be in my own company. If I'm lucky, I'll read my book. 

My main goal this weekend is to find my equilibrium which I had lost this past week. I think I'm already on my way, because I'm having a relatively peaceful day today. I am aware of the fact that I'm regularly trying to find my balance and that little things influence it and that I have to readjust myself now and then. But slowly and surely I'm becoming more secure of myself and less frightened that I'll not feel stable. I do have to add that I'm finding much relief from my medication and am very much aware when it's working after I've taken it. 

Right now it is the very little things in life that give me the most satisfaction. That's why I'm so happy with my clean apartment. It rained briefly just a while ago and I loved the way the air smelled afterwards. If only someone could bottle that. You would wish for your laundry to smell that way. There's a strong breeze blowing and it has cooled off the apartment by a whole degree. I'm sitting here in my warm gray cardigan with my socks on. To me that is pure bliss. 

I will take a nap in a little while and enjoy the coolness of the dark bedroom under the warmth of the duvet. It will just be a little nap, but it will refresh me for the rest of the day. I find that a nap in the afternoon does me a world of good. It's mostly for the sake of my brain that I take one. It's like pushing the reset button and I always have lots of renewed energy when I wake up, although I do need a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind. It's not a perfect system, but it suits me. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up the happy patter...

It is with some amount of satisfaction that I sit here, because I've had my outing for today. It doesn't happen very often that I go somewhere out of the ordinary, because I usually don't have the desire to. Today I took the opportunity to go buy fake plants, because the Exfactor came by to drink coffee and I talked him into walking to that discount store with me. 

It wasn't difficult really to talk him into it, because he likes going there for all the good buys you can get there. Everybody else in the neighborhood likes going there too, as is evident by the long lines at the cash registers and the very full parking lot. We didn't let that bother us and shopped to our hearts content.

I finally bought a set of tall drinking glasses that I had needed for the longest time. There are six of them and I will have to make room in the kitchen cupboard for them somehow. I haven't got around to doing that yet. I have to sit and think about it first. 

I also bought Tyke two big rawhide bones and he is very happily chewing on one of them right now. Actually, he thought everything in the bags was for him like he usually does. He thinks I go shopping just for him.

Of course, I hung out in the perfume section, where they sell the best ones  at discount prices, and I tried out a couple of them on various parts of my body until I found the one I liked best. It was very inexpensive and I got a big bottle of it. When I got home, I spritzed myself liberally and I'm completely swooning over the smell of me. It's so delicious. It's too bad that you get used to it after a while.

I've got the fake plants and they are of a decent enough quality for me to be happy with. There wasn't that much choice, because some of them were just plain ugly, but I picked out the best ones. I put them in their pots and they look good and the most important thing is that I won't be able to kill them. At most they will get dusty and then I will rinse them off under the kitchen faucet.

We went to the tobacco shop after we were done shopping and I was greeted with a lot of compliments by the owner's wife about how I looked. She had not seen me in a while and was pleasantly surprised. I had not realized what a difference there was between me now and a few months ago. I guess it is really obvious. I certainly was pleased about that. It seems that reducing my medication is very good for me. 

So, now I'm sitting here with a tall glass of milk resting my legs. The exercise has actually been good for my knee, which was bothering me a lot earlier. I must walk over to that store more often. There are enough reasons to go there. Anywhere there are that many discounts is a good place to go. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

An early morning tale...

I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there's not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I'm still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It's nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep. 

I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I'm the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don't have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life.  What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It's only a very small kingdom I rule. 

My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.

In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I've cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We're going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We're going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I'm not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.

Since today is Wednesday, I don't have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That's one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.

Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I've found impossible to do lately. I've felt that I've been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I've stopped reading in bed at night, I've found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It's a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can't seem to do now, but I'm going to give it  a try today. 

My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I'm not solving any of the world's problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It's the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I'm glad I'm relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That's all behind me now. I've passed that stage. 

Well, I'm going to read some blogs until it's time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won't be up for awhile. I'm switching to cold milk. I've had enough coffee. I'm very thirsty and it will be most welcome. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Potholes and speed bumps...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I for one am happy about that, because as long as it's raining, it means it's not cold enough to be snowing and I can stand by the open back door and wait for Tyke to do his business without catching a cold. I do like to keep an eye on him at night, as much as that is possible in the darkness, because I want to grab him as soon as he starts to bark for whatever reason, though he usually doesn't, thank goodness. It's like he knows that he has to be silent when he is out there. He does me a great favor, because I don't want my grumpy neighbor upstairs to have anything to gripe about. 

Tyke's now sound asleep beside me with a full stomach, because he convinced me that he absolutely needed something to eat and pestered me until I filled his bowl, which he then emptied with much appetite. A dog with a full stomach is a happy dog, is my experience, and when Tyke is hungry he is a bother. He can only think of food and doesn't rest until he gets it. 

I'm supposed to be asleep, of course, but as is usual on the weekends, I'm allowing myself a late Saturday night when I'll go to bed whenever I feel like it. It is my one indulgence and I do so enjoy it, because I'm always in an excellent mood when I stay up. I feel like nothing much can go wrong and that the world is my oyster and that I'm the pearl lying in the middle of it. Everybody deserves their fantasy and I'm no different than anybody else. I do feel that a night well spent is worth the hours the next day that I have to sleep late, especially since it's on a Sunday, which is the one useless day of the week. A day of rest. 

The reduction of my medicines is going well and I'm not yet noticing any adverse reactions. I've cut back my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and I don't notice anything unpleasant. I told myself from the start that it wasn't necessary to expect a bad reaction to reducing them. I could equally well expect a pleasant reaction, who was to say? I didn't want to walk around with a negative attitude and negative expectations. 

As of Friday I also reduced my anti-depressives and I've not fallen into a deep dark hole. It would be too early for that anyway, but I'm not noticing any adverse reactions from that either. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm doing all of this under the guidance of my psychiatrist and would not dare do it on my own. That would be like playing with fire. I've gotten wise enough not to do anything like that. I do have to put my trust in a professional who knows about these things.

I've had my coffee and am about done with it. It tasted good while it lasted, but now I'm ready for something else. I think I'll have some lemonade. That will take care of my sweet tooth. I do always get cravings for sweet foods during the night and think of all kinds of delicious things to eat, but since I don't have them in the apartment, I'm in no danger of eating them and gaining weight. That's the best defense against that.  In my fantasy I'm always eating chocolate bonbons and vanilla ice cream, but I get over that during the day and have hardly any such desires then. I wouldn't go out and buy them anyway, except when I'm in the tobacco shop and buy a chocolate bar. That's another one of my indulgences, but I do have very few of them.

The lemonade is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. A body does need a little bit of warmth. Now I've just got to wait for the apartment to heat up a bit. It will be pleasant in here in no time. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I guess my rain dance worked. 

Ciao,

Nora

Before the morning starts...

I'm up before it's even dawn and no doubt this will necessitate me going back to bed sometime today to sleep some more, but never mind. I do have the time to do that. I have no appointments and no one coming over. It's a free day. I will go back to bed when I feel that I can't stand on my two legs anymore and that I will fall asleep while I'm doing whatever chores I find to do. In the bedroom the radio is softly playing, so I can go back to it whenever I please.

I didn't sleep for a long time. I had to go to the toilet and let Tyke out back and then I was so wide awake that I stayed up. I'm always so full of curiosity and action when I get up at that time. It's like I can't wait to start the day and wait for the sun to come up to shed light on it. I'm too impatient to stay in bed, no matter how nice and comfortable it was in there. I'm definitely an early morning person.

If I had a garden, I would be out there first thing with my cup of coffee and do whatever I could to make it look better. Pinch off dead flowers, remove dead leaves, pick out snails, admire my handiwork. I'm going to fertilize the soil of my flowerbeds next spring and plant shade loving plants there, never mind that Tyke will probably pee on them. I'm an optimist and assume that most of them will survive. I will pick hardy plants that can take a beating.

The peanut butter sandwiches worked out well. I can eat one if I cut off all the crusts and feed those to Tyke who gladly eats them up. One is just enough and then I'm full, but I savor each bite and I can eat again a couple of hours later. I forgot how good peanut butter tastes and how well fresh wheat bread tastes. It's a pure luxury to eat those things and I'm in 7th heaven when I do. I have a glass of cold milk to go with it and it is very good, though I can hardly finish it. The gastric band does restrict me and that's a good thing, because I would have many peanut butter sandwiches if it didn't. I do have a tendency to find my solace in food and now I can't. I just have to be creative with the foods that I can eat and find ways to get full and get my nutrition.

Yesterday afternoon I sat in my armchair by the light of the reading lamp with a tall glass of milk and read my novel. To make myself more comfortable, I had the armrest pillow of the sofa at my side so I could lean against it. I had put a pillowcase around it that fit it perfectly and matched the decor. The pillow is always picking up cat hair and Tyke likes to toss it to the ground so it gets dirty easily. I have to find the matching pillowcase for the other pillow. I'll have to dig into the closet where I'm sure it is. My complimentary colors are red and yellow.

I read my novel and I'm sure caught up in it. There is a terrible secret in it that's bound to be revealed in the end and we are slowly being led to the revelation, but not without there growing a terrible misunderstanding. This evolves out of a sense of shame and madness. Actually, you get the sense that one of the main characters of the book is really a terrible woman and that she must be very mad indeed, but I suppose I will understand it better in the end. I don't feel a lot of compassion for her as yet. She irritates me terribly and I find little excuse for her behavior. But that's me looking at it with my 21st century eyes. The novel takes place in the early part of the 20th century when norms and peoples' motivations were different.

The formation of our government is at risk. That's a good thing because the coalition that's trying to be formed is a very faulty one in my eyes and in the eyes of many other people as well. It would be a coalition to the right with the support of an extreme right party. Now there is some serious backlash from the members of one of the coalition partners who say that you can't seriously govern with that extreme right party and stick to the principles of the constitution. There is a crisis. It seems that nobody, including the queen, ever took the attempt at this coalition seriously and didn't think it would go as far as it did. Unfortunately, power hungry people did and are very eager to rule the country and be prime minister. A dangerous game was played and now we have the almost disastrous results. These are grown up boys playing at politics and seeing themselves as very important people. I think it is very risky and they need to be stopped. I hope and pray for a good outcome.

I seem to have pulled a muscle in my shoulder and it won't stop hurting. I think I need a good massage, but I don't know anybody close by who could give me one. I may try some pain medication and see if that will relax it some, because it tightens up the muscles in my neck too. There's always some ache or pain somewhere in my body. Well no, I shouldn't say that. Sometimes there is. I'm sure everybody else has the same problem. It's just a result of living and being a human being. My back recovered well and I can sit behind the computer again without any problem. I took some pain medication for it and that cleared it up in no time. I will try to do the same thing for my shoulder.

I hope you all have a terrific day with beautiful weather, but rain for those of you who need it badly.

Ciao,
Nora

Music and comedy...

I haven't been to bed yet, although it is well past midnight. I've spent the whole evening watching music and comedy videos on YouTube and I have been very well amused. The time flew by and I laughed a lot at the comedians and was moved by the music. It does a person good to have the emotions moved to a greater degree than just the ordinary every day ones. It sure felt good and it was worth staying up for. I feel like I've had a night out.

Of course, now I'm so wide awake that I won't be able to go to sleep for a while. I have to sit here for a bit and calm down and get in a go-to-bed mode. I've only been drinking milk for the past couple of hours, I haven't had any coffee for a long time. I should get tired soon, although maybe it would help if I heated the milk up. But wait, I've just yawned for the first time, so there is hope. Maybe writing a blog post makes me sleepy.

I've used the Bright Light Energy Lamp for several hours today. Besides having it on this morning, I also had it on later in the day while I sat behind the computer. Maybe I got too much of it and that is why I'm so full of energy. I must make sure I get enough darkness now. I do have to get enough hours of sleep, but tomorrow is Sunday and that means sleeping as late as Tyke will let me. That energetic little guy does wake me up when he has to go outside. Well, he is house broken, so what can I expect, right?

I discovered a top in my closet that I had no knowledge of and I put it on right away. It has three quarter sleeves, so it is perfect for this weather. I don't know where I got it, but it fits. I seem to remember another top that I'm supposed to have in my possession and I have to go look on the top shelf and see if it's there. I only have some vague idea of what it looks like. I do know it's black, but I don't remember if it has long or short sleeves.

I did do the ironing, by the way. I found a summer jacket that had been in the ironing basket for ages and I had forgotten all about its existence. It's a short, beige, cotton jacket with metal snap buttons. I ironed it and didn't even try it on, I think it will fit. I hung it on the coat rack and will try it on in the morning. That's exceptionally incurious of me and I don't know how I got that way either. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I don't remember wearing it. I must not have been very fond of it. I also found two pairs of Capri pants that I didn't realize I had. It's kind of late in the year for them now, unless we get a hot spell.

I think I will dye the jacket black. As a matter of fact, I think I have the dye to do it somewhere in a kitchen cabinet. I'll have to look for it. I will like the jacket better black.

I'm so wide awake, I'm not going to worry about what time I'll go to sleep. It will just be whenever. I'm going to sit here as long as I'm comfortable. I will take my sleep medication, that may be a good idea. My body is going to crave it and it would not be good to suddenly withhold it. I do have to decrease one medication at the time and not try to do everything at once.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and my bathrobe and get at least ready for bed. Then I'll be halfway there.

Have a good night if you're about ready to go to bed, if not, have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Wanting a cupcake...

I'm in dire need of something good to eat and all I can think of is a cupcake with chocolate chips. The thought of it is making my mouth water and of course I have no such thing in the cupboards. Hopefully it is a temporary craving for something sweet that I will get over after I drink a glass of fruit juice. Another thing I could really eat now is a chocolate candy bar. I must really be craving sweets and I think it may be a hormonal thing.

I woke up in a sweat and my bottom sheet was wet. I think I'm having hot flashes during the night because this happens regularly. I thought I was too old for them, but I can't explain it any other way. Every once in a while I have what I think is a hot flash during the day and it feels like I'm blushing all over. I don't seem to have any of the emotional issues that come with it, so that's a relief. I just every once in a while get these cravings for sweets, which I sometimes give into. The other day I bought two candy bars when I was the drugstore and ate them all at once, but I did watch what I ate the rest of the day. I don't need to put on any kilos.

I had gained a few kilos when two of my medications were increased, but I have lost them again and now have to lose 4 kilos. So that's my immediate goal. I'm not going to starve myself for them, though, and will keep eating the way I am now, which is sufficient to make me feel not hungry and which gives me enough nutritions. The medication is always an added complication because it makes you gain extra weight quickly, even when you don't eat that much. It seems to store all the food you eat into fat and it's very frustrating. A lot of care needs to be taken when eating.

It's best not to be too vain and to accept your slightly pudgy body and not worry about it too much because you know you will never reach perfection. You just need to dress the best way possible and stay in as good enough shape as you can. I do get tired of size zero models advertising weight loss creams and other so called solutions with their perfect hipbones and their flat stomachs. It gives such an unrealistic view of what most women look like. I very much want us to accept who we are, imperfections and all, so that we don't get inferiority complexes. I don't want to be slave to some big company's idea of what a woman should look like when it is so clearly not within reach of most of us. I boycott the whole idea and the push to it. Bigger normal sized women don't even come into the picture, except for in that one body lotion commercial and that was an exception.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now and return to down to the ground. It's in the middle of the night and because I went to bed so early, I woke up early in the middle of the night too. I finished reading "Devil Bones"and am now reading "The Lake of Dead Languages," which is a literary thriller. I just started it and didn't get into it too far yet, so I'm withholding judgment. It's a different kind of thriller than the usual kind. It's one of the novels that I already had on my bookcase and that I need to start reading if I'm ever to get through all the ones that are waiting for me there. "Devil Bones" was a good read because the author is a forensic anthropologist in real life too, so she knows her business. It makes the reading very realistic. She's written many other thrillers and no doubt I will be reading them too. But first I have to read the novels on my bookcase before I order any new books. That's my ambition anyway. I don't know if I can fulfill that pledge because I will probably be tempted to order other books I'm interested in, but I can save myself some money if I don't.

It didn't rain yesterday evening, even though it was predicted, and I was kind of sad about that because I would have liked nothing better than to have been in bed with the windows open while it rained so I would have been able to hear the sound of it. There are a lot of clouds now and it is only 12C. The apartment isn't cooling off enough, though, and I'm sitting here in my tank top and my underwear with bare arms and bare legs. You would think I was in the tropics. I am cooling off a bit and it will be nice to get under the duvet in a while.

I have the domestic help coming this afternoon, but the apartment is clean enough and I really don't have to do much before she gets here. The laundry is drying on the rack and the dishes have been put away. I'm very organized for a change. That's because I got my act together this weekend. I didn't dawdle and got on with things.

I'll have to choose my clothes for today. I washed everything that was in the laundry, so I have lots of things to choose from. It's just a question of finding the right combination. It's going to be a little warmer for the next few days, not much, but enough to wear summer clothes. I don't have a shortage of them, though.

Have a nice day. I hope you get the weather you want.

Ciao,
Nora

Rain...

It's always like I try to erase one confessional post with another less confessional one, so I will look better in your eyes because I momentarily feel better. Because I feel conflicted about this, I start writing the other post, but take a very long time doing it, so it won't look like I'm too eager. I do have some sense of decorum. It's really silly that I bother going through all of this, but it's a compulsion in me that drives me to do it. It's probably a symptom of what's wrong with me, but it hasn't been described maybe in the DSM. Compulsively writing blog posts. Obsessive compulsive behavior. There you go. It has been after all, like the woman who sprinkled powdered sugar on her furniture. She couldn't stop herself either.

It's very hard to have something wrong with you. To know that you don't quite function as well as the average person does. That you come with an instruction booklet and that it needs to be read nearly every day and that if other people won't read it, you still have to read it yourself and I will tell you the truth, I don't think I will get off all of my medications. I think I need some of them. Not in huge quantities, but enough to help me function. I think I may go off the deep end if I were not to have them. I think getting off all my medications was a pipe dream and a lot of wishful thinking and very misguided. It's because some of us want to believe that I'm really a healthy person that we want me off the medication, but the truth is that I'm not and we better face up to that. If I'm going to be successful, it's going to have to be with medication. I'm a nut without it.

Well, there you go, we had another confessional. I don't stop, do I? That's because I do all my thinking on my blog. This is where I get everything straightened out. I talk circles around myself and finally find my way to where I'm supposed to be. Which is just a few steps ahead of where I started off. There is progress. I must remember to do things for myself, though, and not for other people, no matter how much I love them and want to make them happy. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot, but not everything. So much depends on me being able to deal with things and to have courage and self confidence. There's nothing worse than feeling out and out fear for the most ordinary events in life.

The computer is murmuring to itself again, no doubt looking for another update. The delivery boy from the pharmacy just came by to deliver some drugs, important ones that I can't do without. I was almost out of some of them and didn't realize it on time, so it was an emergency delivery. That sounds like I gave birth. I do in my dreams. Sometimes I have babies, as if by a miracle. It would be physically impossible for me, but in my dreams I can. I dream it quite often, but I think it symbolizes me giving birth to new aspects of myself. I'm hardly pregnant in my dreams and always surprised that I'm about to give birth. All the babies look like me, but one time I dreamed that I put my son back inside myself for safekeeping. I had a zipper in my torso because he was so big. Don't I wish I could have done that.

It started raining a while ago and at first it came down in buckets with a hard wind blowing too. It's only 7C outside and I have the heater turned up. It's still not springtime here, except for that one perfect day we had when I thought it was almost too warm. At least we don't have snow like some people still have. We are spared that and I did see some daffodils but they had been planted, so they didn't count. The jasmine bush is getting green buds and so is the prickly bush whose name I don't know by the clothes line. The rest looks bare. The Golden Rain is showing no action at all and should have been pruned this spring, but I'm not the woman to do it. I don't have the equipment. I think some man needs to haul his butt over here and do it. One with biceps, who also needs to fix the little gate that is falling apart in the fence. The one who uses it exclusively and keeps ignoring the problem. I will very tactfully point that out.

I've solved the problem with the anger issue with the Welbutrin. Instead of taking my antipsychotics all at once before I go to bed, I now take them spread during the day and I notice that it takes the edge off quite a bit. I took one in the afternoon and one when I took my medicines at 6 pm and I feel a lot better. Tomorrow I will take them at breakfast, lunch and dinner when I take my other medications. We'll see how much better I do.

And now for some Brie and Camembert.

Ciao,
Nora

It's the coffee...

You see, it's the coffee that's keeping me going now. I had that decaf, but it didn't do me any good. I just mentally collapse and find that I'm on the verge of the throwing in the towel. I just want to give up and more than anything throw all my medication down the toilet for all the good it does me. I know I can't do that because of the withdrawal symptoms, but I wish I was a year along and off a lot of these things I'm taking now. I've never been as depressed and anxious and stressed and unstable as when I've been on the medication.

Anyway, I make myself a cup of coffee and drink it and I'm okay again. I'm not collapsing any more, but I can't stop and think about my situation too much, because if I do, I become very disheartened and disgusted and I want to run away from it and wish myself into another life. I am most unhappy and I don't care who knows it and everybody can have their opinion about it and their suggestions about how to make it better, but I tell you, I have to get off those drugs that are screwing up my mind.

I'm always having to artificially pep myself up to make it through the day because of all the sleep inducing medication I take, and I take a lot, even though I want to take a little. I had just reduced my anti-psychotics and my tranquilizers when my psychiatrist increased them again when I started on the Welbutrin and stopped taking my other antidepressants. I'm sure that this was well intended and done as a precaution against the problems I would have with withdrawals, but I think it wasn't necessary, really, and now I have to reduce those medications again. I can't do anything on my own without his express approval, so my hands are tied.

For as well as I was doing for the first 2 weeks on Welbutrin, I am doing badly now, but I will also blame it on withdrawal of one antidepressant that I completely went off immediately without any back up. It's gone completely out of my body now and no doubt it is having its effect. If I don't feel a marked improvement on the Welbutrin in a little over 2 weeks time, I'm going to stop taking it and not use another antidepressant, but just depend on my mood stabilizer. Then I can start reducing the anti-psychotics, which is a medication I really want to stop taking, having never been psychotic.

You realize, of course, that I'm using this blog to organize my thoughts. As I write these things down, they become more clear to me and my course of action becomes more obvious. I'm not really writing this down to get answers to questions from you, though input is always welcome. I guess I'm trying to make clear to you how I live in the artificial world of pharmaceutical products and how that influences my mind and my body and how really unhealthy that is. When my second psychiatrist had to hand me over to my third psychiatrist, he worried a great deal about how he was going to explain my list of medications to him. You know something was rotten in Denmark.

So, I'm having my second cup of coffee now. If that's what it takes to keep me going, then so be it. It's really an hour earlier than it says on the clock and I will pretend I live on the Mediterranean and have a nightlife. I started out this post with a feeling of despair, but it has settled down now to a feeling of control. I see what I need to do and the road that I need to take to get there. That does not mean that I will not sit here the next time without feelings of despair again. My moods are as unpredictable as the March weather here.

For those of you who think I like changes very much because I changed my blog template, I have to tell you that it s very double. I get very excited because it is something new and I look forward to how everything will look and which template I will end up with, but at the same time I also don't like changes very much and am most at ease with the familiar, so doing this is a daring step for me. It's a challenge and I have to get used to it myself and I feel very insecure about it. I would have liked to stay the toad forever, but now I'm a watercolor. I'm trying it on for size. Maybe it will be scary and I will flee back toward toadness.

I have a feeling that I'm not going to stay up that late, in spite of the coffee. It will be good to get a decent night's sleep or as long as I manage it. I have to pick up pieces of cardboard in the morning and go to the tobacconist.

Thank you for letting me bounce my thoughts off you. It's been very helpful.

I wish you all a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Don´t complain!

I´m having withdrawal symptoms again. At least I assume that´s what they are. My life is quickly falling apart and my emotions are in an uproar. I´m trying to stay sane and rational and not intimidated by what is happening to me. The hardest part is going through this alone, because I so very much would like someone´s shoulder to cry on. I guess that´s what I want to do more than anything, is cry and cry and not be brave at all like I feel I have been this past week.

A lot of times I act as if everything is okay when really it isn´t, I don´t know if you can tell that. I keep being cheerful when I don´t really feel cheerful at all. I´ve been worried about my medication this past week, if I´m taking too much of some or too little of the other and I don´t really trust my psychiatrist to know that. I think he made a blunder this week and that has caused a dent in my confidence in him.

I´ve been feeling awfully tired these past days, although I have been out and about in the fresh air. I thought springtime would give me lots of energy, but I´m not having any. The time I feel best is late at night again, when it is dark out and the world is quiet and silent and at rest. That´s new, after sleeping so well for two weeks. I wish I could always be a night person and only marginally participate during the day. Unfortunately, I have to take my nighttime medicines and they do drive me to bed at a certain hour. It´s all medicine I hope to do without some day.

Maybe this is not withdrawal, maybe this is just a plain old case of unhappiness and disappointment for not having the road that I travel be as smooth as I had anticipated and for feeling very lonely in the whole process. I always think that everything should be a nonstop upward movement, but for some reason it doesn´t work that way and you climb the hill and roll down it before you get up and start climbing it again. I don´t know why this is so and why this is necessary. Somebody will have to explain that process to me in logical terms. This really mystifies me. It seems to work that way for everything, even when you think it ought not to, when it is pure science, although when applied to people it never is.

The problem is, that I´ve come to see my emotions as pathologically wrong and put labels on them, instead of just seeing them as emotions that all people have. I have decided not to do that anymore and, for instance, never to use the term hypo-mania again to describe an excited mood that I may find myself in. That way it´s not a psychiatric condition and it doesn´t need a medication to be cured, because a mood like that usually clears up by itself and for all I know I´m doing something that millions of people around the world do every day spontaneously. I mustn´t mistake happiness and excitement for an illness and allow it to be killed by drugs, so that I will be mentally straight jacketed and subdued.

I´m feeling better for having written this down and knowing that it will have a few readers who will hopefully understand. It takes a diversity of people to make the world go round and if we medicate everybody who falls outside the norm, we´ll have a lot of drugged up people. Cure the part that hurts and leave the rest alone.

Ciao,
Nora

All done with that.

I've done chores and I read blogs until I got blog-reading-tiredness and couldn't even leave comments anymore. That's because I was behind on my blog reading and hadn't realized how far behind I really was, so I gave up and I hope that I will be excused by all of you who have not received a sign of my presence to your blog. I may have been there, but have been too overwhelmed mentally to leave behind a sensible comment. You should never do too much of one thing for a long time. It will drive you crazy.

I've just made myself a cup of coffee, because I'm starting to give up the ghost. I am yawning very badly and am in serious need of sleep, but I'm trying to fight it because of the time of day. In another 20 minutes I need to take my medicines and I hope to get my second wind from this cup of coffee. If everything fails, I'll go to bed for a nap, but it can only be a nap. I don't want my body to get the mistaken idea that we're settling down for the night.

--------------------

Well, I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half and it was nice. I'm now drinking decaf, but I think I'm going to need a regular cup of coffee to really wake me up. It will be an exception to the rule of not drinking coffee in the evening. I think one of my medicines will need to be adjusted to make me less sleepy during the day, and that will be fine with me, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still taking too many. I think the anti-psychotic is the culprit, because one of the side effects is that it makes you very sleepy. That's why I've stopped taking them during the day. I was constantly sound asleep on the sofa. The other culprit could be the tranquilizer that I take at a high dosage during the day. I need to start reducing those, but I can't do that on my own. I need to do that in consultation with my psychiatrist.

I very much regret getting on some of these medications. I thought they would help me at the time, but more and more were added and now I'm stuck with the consequences of trying to get off them. And they all have side effects. I would not recommend to anybody that they get on some of these medicines. I think they are dangerous and unhealthy and the pharmaceutical industry is pushing doctors to prescribe them. There's supposed to be a pill to fix everything, but sometimes the cure is worse than the symptom and medicines get misused. Heavy duty medicines get prescribed when something lighter might have worked too. I have to get off some of these drugs before it's too late. I want to keep my antidepressant and my mood stabilizer and that's it. All the rest can go.

Well, now you know the true feelings I have about the drugs I take. I'm not such a blind believer in them. I shouldn't be on most of them and I'm on my third psychiatrist and they all inherit me with the drugs. Oh yeah, I forgot about the sleeping pill.

On to other things. My body has been tricked by the decaf and thinks it has had a real cup of coffee. Isn't that funny? I'm going to have another one. Maybe they should give me placebo pills instead of the real ones and they will work because of my believe in them.

I'm going to try and read a book in bed tonight and hope I have enough sense to put the book and the reading glasses away before I fall asleep. I haven't read anything for such a long time and I really miss it. Tyke will have to be on his best behavior if I mess it up.

I'm going to get ready for bed, I think, although it's not that late and tomorrow is Saturday. There is no humor in this post and that bothers me. I should write another funnier post now immediately, but I don't know if there is anybody funny home. I could have a look.

Have a good evening, or a good night, whichever applies to you.

Ciao,
Nora