It's not too bad outside...

I just walked Tyke in the not too cold evening air. It just started to get dark outside and I noticed that the days are lasting longer all the time. The wind had stopped blowing and it was pleasant out there. I hardly needed my scarf, but wore it anyway just in case. There were birds chirping their evening song and, although I can't identify them, it sounded pretty anyway. It made you feel like spring was on its way, especially since it was relatively warm and you could almost imagine everything shrouded in a green haze. 

Tyke is sound asleep by my feet now. He always thinks he needs a little nap after his walk. He will come around again in the shortest amount of time because he'll want to play or bother Gandhi. She's taking advantage of the peace and quiet by taking a nap herself on the back of the armchair behind me. That's where the yellow fleece blanket lies folded and she's lying on top of it. Luckily, she's stopped shedding all that hair, so I'm not in danger of getting cat hair all over me when I lie down under it on the sofa for a nap. 

The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place. It's a load off my mind. I had been keeping up with the chores as well as possible, but everything needed a good cleaning. Because of the holidays, it had not been done in eleven days, so it was about time that somebody showed up. 

I've decided not to watch any television tonight. I watched the news about the earthquake and the tsunami in Japan all day long and listened to it on the radio too. I think I got an overdose of it now. I will wait until tomorrow to hear the rest. No, I won't. I'll hear it tonight when I go to bed and listen to the news bulletins on the radio. I'm sure they'll pay lots of attention to it. It isn't every day that an 8.9 earthquake hits with a tsunami as a result. 

Tyke has woken up and wants all sorts of attention. He doesn't really know what he wants, he just wants attention. He's already had a belly rub as part of the bonding ritual. I'll play ball with him next. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Imagination and the use of it...

The day is passing by very slowly for some reason. It seems the hands on the clock don't move at the speed that they normally do. Every other day goes rushing by in no time at all, but not today. It is crawling by at a snail's pace and I have to use my imagination to fill up the hours. I've already taken a nap to fill up one hour. Of course, that didn't take much imagination at all.

I wasn't very tired, so the nap didn't last very long. I also had to share the sofa with Gandhi and Tyke, so I wasn't very comfortable. Then the delivery person came with the package I ordered from the on line store and, of course, I had to try on what was in it right away. It fit and that meant I had to put some clothes away in the closet and that was the complete end to my nap. I had no hopes of going back to sleep. 

I folded and put away the dry laundry and made the bed and cleaned up the always messy kitchen. Gandhi's paw prints are always all over the counter, no matter how often I wipe it. It's the place where she hangs out, because it's out of reach of Tyke. There's no way he can get to her there. His legs are too little. 

I was ruthless the other day and threw out all my dying plants. There was no sense in hanging on to them. There was no hope that they were going to make it back to health. The domestic help cleaned all the pots and arranged them nicely throughout the living room and told me where I could get fake plants for a good price. All I have to do now is go there. 

I have two little pots and four large ones to buy plants for. All the pots are lime green. I had bought them at different times without realizing that it was my preferred color. I wasn't paying attention to such things then. I would be much more alert to them now that I'm not in a medicinal stupor anymore. A lot went past me when I was.

The book I started reading is lying unread in a cubbyhole of the bookcase. I can't get myself to sit down and pay attention to it. I have a blockage in my head. My eyes see a book and glaze over. Areas in my brain shut down and refuse to pick up the book to read it. Suddenly that seems like an awfully complicated task to do. Maybe I see the activity as too passive, but then again, I do sit in my armchair and daydream. I haven't quite got my mind around it yet. 

Sometimes I think I have a fear of books, just like I seem to have a repulsion for creative activity. I probably associate it with another time when I was not at all doing well. Maybe I link it to me when I was another person and much more insecure and needy. I need to establish the habits and hobbies of the new me. I need to give shape to myself the way I am now or the way I am shortly going to be. I'm almost the end product of the three year long journey. 

It's been a beautiful day today. The sun has been shining all day and it has been relatively warm outside. I've worn my black leather jacket, which is my springtime jacket. My other leather jacket is too big on me. I've walked Tyke a couple of times and it was very pleasant, although Tyke acted like a lamb set free from the barn and was all over the place. He pulled me along at amazing speeds.

I must find something useful to do. I have to fill one hour until the news comes on. 

I hope you'll all have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Where was I?

I've put the radio/CD player back in the bedroom. I decided that I missed it too much at night when I went to bed. It was too silent when I was laying there waiting to fall asleep. I thought that maybe it was too much of a stimulus, but I was wrong. The radio keeps me company and I fall asleep with it on easily. It distracts me and keeps me from thinking complicated thoughts. That's very important. 

I'm not here by myself in the living room. The domestic help is washing the windows. She does a very good job at them, better than I could. She knows how to wash them without getting streaks. That's why she is the domestic help. She's got a lot of experience. Tyke is watching her do her work. He likes her very much and is always very interested in what she does.

It's noontime and I've just taken my medicines, all except my afternoon anti-psychotic tablet. I'm not supposed to take that now. This is in an effort to further reduce them. I think I'm doing okay, except that I'm a little bit grumpy. It's not such a horrible thing to be grumpy, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I don't think that it's anything important. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist when he calls me later. I mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

My psychiatrist just called me and I told him that I was a bit grumpy. He asked me if I thought it was a sign that I was entering a different mood. I told him that I didn't think so and that I really wasn't too worried. I don't think that I'm going to get hypo-manic or depressed right now. At least, I assume I won't. He wants me to reduce my anti-depressives also starting today. We're doing this very carefully and I'm seeing him next week. It's good to have the extra control while I do this.

I shouldn't really worry about a thing and just assume that all will be well. I'm tougher than the absence of a pill anyway. I will not be defeated. 

It has started to rain again and as far as I can see, the street is completely clear of snow and ice. What a relief that is. It had stopped being fun quite some time ago. Now the river is very full and almost at the highest level. All sorts of precautions are beings taken. There's a lot of melt water from upstream that is finding its way into it from Belgium and France, but also from the smaller rivers here. Some land is being allowed to flood, it is designated for that. That's better than having some of the villages flood. 

It's 11 degrees Celsius (50F), that's quite warm for us. I have the bedroom windows open to air out the apartment. I had to go sit in my bedroom with the animals while the domestic help vacuumed the front of the apartment and mopped it. Neither Tyke nor Gandhi likes the vacuum cleaner and we don't want them walking on the wet floors. They do leave behind paw prints. That's really not that awful, but I pretend it is for the sake of the domestic help. 

I'm done being grumpy now and feel quite alright. I'm ready for the remainder of this Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some way to stay out of trouble. I usually do. I just mustn't show any kind of extreme behavior. I mustn't be too happy or too sad. That's a tall order. I think I'm up to it, though. I took a little nap on the sofa this morning and would be more than happy to take another one, but I think I'll go watch the speed skating championships on television. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Culture...

I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In the niddle of it...

I'm in the middle of doing chores and really don't have the time to sit down and write a post, but while the washing machine is churning away, I figured I could ignore the dishes and sit here for a bit. I can see the dishes from where I'm sitting behind the computer and I'm glancing at them as I write. I will not be intimidated by them. There are not that many of them and I'll have them done in no time. I'm saying this with all the courage I have in me at the moment and that is more than I had earlier in the day when I was more cowardly. 

I've done some chores already and did them more speedily than I had anticipated. I'm more efficient than I thought I was. Apparently I had put enough thought into it ahead of time that I went to work in an organized fashion and got them done in the shortest amount of time. Either that or I had them blown up in my mind to a size that was completely out of proportion to their actual size. I think the latter must have been the most true. I do worry about things ahead of time too much. 

I had one single sock in the dry laundry, but I know where the other one is. Tyke had stolen it and used it as a security blanket. It had floated around the living room for a few days. He had not chewed any holes in it and I finally took it away from him and put it in the next load of laundry. I'll have to give him an old sock that smells like me. I don't really know if I have one. He'll have to wait until I truly have an old sock. Maybe the next time I have a hole in the toe of one, but my socks seem so sturdy. They are industrial strength socks. 

I'm slowly reorganizing the bookcase in the bedroom and finding new places for all the things that Tyke shows the least bit of interest in. It means getting rid of things too. A lot of it is paperwork that needs to be better organized and it's a good reason to do that. I need to make a box with vital documents and have those safe in a cabinet where they are also handy. I used to have them in a file system, but it has fallen apart due to old age. You always have to decide what to keep for posterity and what can just go. It's also important to stay in the here and now. 

Tyke purposely rolls his tennis ball under the sofa and then stands beside it and barks so that I have to get the African walking stick and get the ball out from underneath. He's a little stinker. I saw him do the same thing with the ball and the CD rack. He'd get it stuck underneath there and couldn't get it out without my help, but he pushed it underneath there himself on purpose. He really made the effort to. That dog is much smarter than I give him credit for. 

Every time I think the washing machine is done, it goes and does something else. European washing machine sure take their time to run through all the cycles and I put it on a short program too. I want to dry the laundry tonight so that I can change my bed again soon. I have a shortage of pillow cases, because I use four at the time and I can't find the right size unless I go to Ikea. I haven't been there in a long time and I should talk my sister into going. 

I discovered the window in the spare bedroom was open and had been open for god knows how long. It does explain why it was getting so cold in here so quickly. One of the domestic helps must have opened it and I have a suspicion which one it was. I kept feeling a draft by my legs when I sat behind the computer, but I thought it was because of the cat flap. Since I closed it, it is a lot warmer in here and the heater hasn't gone on all day. It goes to show you how much energy I could have saved. I'm glad I discovered it before it got really cold again tonight. I would have turned up the heater with it open and have been none the wiser.

I think the washing machine is done and I will go hang up the laundry. It's dark outside and time to turn on the lights. It's time to be cozy and cuddle the animals. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

What's it going to be today?

I just heated up a cup of coffee for myself. It is coffee left over from this morning, so it's not the best cup in town, but it will have to do unless I want to make a new pot and I'm not sure about that yet. I don't know how awake and alert I want to be at this time of day. It may be that this one cup is enough to have me function the way I should. I will have to wait and see what happens.

I took a long nap on the sofa this afternoon. After I came home from seeing my SPN, I was quite done in. I sat in my armchair for a while and tried to recuperate. I had dealt with so many memories and so many emotions. I knew I also needed to get a rational point of view on all of it, but I was too wiped out to do it. I walked Tyke and then decided to lie down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket.

Now that I'm awake again, and can think about things with some distance between them and me, I can let go of all of the emotions and rationally approach the subject. I can see that there have been huge flaws in my thinking all along and that these have been masked by my overwhelming emotions and that the story would not have gone how I imagined it, no matter how good the circumstances. 

The fairytale that I had tried to pull off was bound to fail, only I had my head in the sand and refused to see the truth and to this day believed that if only a certain event had not happened, I would have lived happily ever after. I now see how delusional that was and how impossible of me to think it. I really believed that if I ignored all the bad and concentrated only on the good, we all would ride off into the sunset and have a happily ever after life.

It's about time that I look at this in a rational way. That I start to doubt and pick apart all the feelings and assumptions I have had about this period in my life. The explanation and emotional reasoning I had in place was just as much a fallacy as the fairytale I was trying to live back then. My explanation doesn't hold up under careful questioning. My reasoning is completely flawed. It's time to cut out the nonsense and to get down to reality. To look at things they really were and not the way I imagined they were. Or wanted them to be.

I'm getting rid of a lot of old sadness about this, very deep grief, as a matter of fact. The kind of grief that makes you crazy and leaves wounds. I finally have the opportunity to heal them and to look at my own role in all of it. Why I reacted the way I did and why I handled things the way I did. That's much more realistic than believing in the story of wrong assumptions and explanations  I've been walking around with.

I'm getting this straight in my head as I'm typing this, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about it. The subject doesn't leave my head, but it is with a certain amount of clarity and relief that I think of it. I know I'm not done with it yet. There will be more sessions spent on it, but they all will be fruitful. I will not waste my time regretting things that are over and done with. I've spent enough time doing that already. 19 Years as a matter of fact. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's time for our evening stroll. I will be lost in thought. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Good day coming...

I've had my first cup of coffee and I've turned from a grumpy, sleepy person into a good natured, alert one. It's really made quite a difference, because when I first got up even the animals got in the way of me and I felt like grumbling at them. I knew I would have to be patient and that I would be alright if I just had that first cup of coffee inside of me. I ignored my own bad mood as much as possible and tried not to take it out on anyone, least of all myself, which I am also quite capable of. I can be my own worst enemy when I'm in a bad morning mood, even when I know it is just a temporary condition. Never mind, I had that cup of coffee and soon everything was alright again and I could react to life as a normal and reasonable person.

I went to bed after I wrote my last post last night and did not stay up to read my novel. I decided to be sensible and go to sleep like any other normal person would. I fell asleep quickly and much to my surprise I slept until 8 am this morning. That is an amazing feat and I rarely do that. I do remember vaguely getting up once to go to the toilet, but apparently I had enough sense to go back to bed after I did so, which is a surprising thing, because normally that would be reason for me to get up and have cups of coffee and sit behind the computer. Of course, now I can't smoke cigarettes anymore, so part of the appeal is gone and that may have something to do with it. I was also very exhausted due to a shortage of sleep from the night before and I had to catch up on that, but I would like it if I slept through the night every night and got up at a reasonable hour every morning, grumpy or not.

I'm still in my pajamas now and not nearly ready to get the day truly started. I ought to get dressed, but I'm postponing that moment until later when I'm really in the mood for it. I like sitting here a while longer and pretending that the day is not rushing at me to get a move on. All will happen in its own good time and I'm sure I will get everything done today that needs to get done. I have to go to the hardware store, where they have everything you may need in a lifetime, and buy the new shades for the living room windows. That's the most important thing I need to do today. It is for the sake of my decorative aesthetics that I need to do that. I will not comfortably rest on my laurels until that is done.

Tyke has made himself comfortable on the new sofa and Gandhi is laying in the armchair which is my favorite chair to sit in. Luckily, neither one of them sheds a lot of hair. I've had animals that were much more of a problem, but these two aren't. Tyke doesn't lie on the coffee table anymore, because I've made it impossible for him to do so. This coffee table is smaller and I have a sculpture and a large plant on it. Even Gandhi doesn't sit on it. She hasn't shown much interest in the sofa yet, but I'm waiting for the moment for that to happen. I will have a spray bottle of water ready and I will not hesitate to use it.

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up and I realize that it's better if I do get dressed, because it would not do to greet him in my pajamas, although I can put on my bathrobe and be decent... I've just done that for now.

I have just fed the animals and Tyke is digesting his food now and quite happy for it. Gandhi had a bowl of milk and is now eating Tyke's leftovers. She got lucky today, because Tyke seldom has leftovers. What is a little bit of food to a dog, is a lot of food to a cat, especially of the dainty variety, which Gandhi is a specimen of.

Every once in a while I have the urge to light up a cigarette and then I remember that I don't smoke anymore. It seems such a natural thing to do, to reach for a cigarette and to light up. It's the habit I miss, I suppose. It's not the nicotine so much. It's the ritual around it. I must distract my mind with other activities and think of other things to do with my hands and my mind. It helps to stay busy and to be oblivious of my subconscious longings. I must keep them in the back of my mind as much as possible and not let them come to the foreground.

I'm going to get dressed now and look like a presentable woman. I can't be disheveled like this with my hair sticking up in all directions. I do have to make an effort.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday night and all is well...

I've already been asleep for awhile, but as is usual, I woke up and am wide awake again. I had a cup of coffee, but now I'm drinking cold milk and it is tasting very good. It fills my stomach and quenches my thirst. I don't feel like eating. For some reason my stomach feels very full and all I've had today was a peanut butter sandwich.

I didn't go back to sleep last night, but read my book until it was morning. I did doze off in the armchair a couple of times. I should have gone back to bed and set the alarm clock for 8 am, but I was stubborn and decided to stay up. It's a mistake I won't make quickly again because it bothered me for the rest of the day. I'm just now recuperated from it.

The men with the sofa got here at 10 am. The sofa easily fit through the front door and the hallway into the living room where it was unpacked and put in place. It's a nice sofa, very modern in a pretty gray color, but I should not have gotten the throw pillows with the lime green covers for it. That doesn't look good. I definitely need red covers for them to tie in with the color of one of the arm chairs, and the curtain in front of the door that I don't use, and the red window shades. The colors in the living room need to be red and black and gray. I didn't figure all of that out until way later in the day.

I have to get new shades for the living room windows tomorrow morning to replace the rather discolored ones that are there now, and I'm going to get a brighter shade of red than I have now. It's going to match the other shades of red in the living room better. I have ordered new covers for the pillows and they will be here in the afternoon. That will tie the whole thing together.

I mounted different collages in the frames above the sofa and put a different movie poster in the frame by the living room windows. I just wanted a change. I don't know if I'm happy with it yet. I have to think about it. I may change it still.

I was actually too tired to be making decisions about changes and needed to go to sleep. I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist and asked the secretary for him to call me later in the afternoon, after I had slept. We could make a new appointment then.

I slept for a couple of hours, but not nearly long enough and I felt like a wrung out dishcloth when I got up. I had no energy for anything, but I did realize what was wrong with the living room and was bound and determined to set it to rights.

I finished the autobiography that I was reading and will start on 'When We Were Orphans' next. That will be shortly as I'm not nearly ready to go to bed yet, though I don't want to stay up all night like I did last night. I did learn my lesson. I don't want to read in bed, though, because there's the danger that Tyke will get a hold of my book and shred it to pieces. Besides, when I'm in bed, I like to listen to the radio and let my thoughts wander.

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Encore un fois...

I'm following my usual 'get up in the middle of the night' routine and have just made myself some coffee to get the last few remnants of sleep out of my system. Not that there are that many there. I'm pretty perky as usual and could do my whole administration and not make any mistakes. I want to do something far more pleasant that that, however, and write down my thoughts and musings on no particular subject at all. That means that I'll probably touch on many bases.

I read a lot yesterday and finished another book. I have now read A Virtuous Woman and Ellen Foster, both novels by Kaye Gibbons. She is a good writer with a unique voice and she writes with an intensity that makes you want to finish her novels in one fell swoop. That's not hard to do since they aren't big and you can finish one in just a few hours. They are very concise and to the point, but tell a whole big story with enough detail so you don't feel shortchanged one bit. You like her characters, though they are not at all perfect people, and you want things to end well for them, though there are not necessarily happy endings.

I am now reading Don't let's Go To The Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller. It's a very well written autobiography about her childhood in Rhodesia. The war for independence seen from a white farmer child's point of view. It's extremely interesting. I love the title and it alone intrigues, but I like books about white settlers in Africa and what their experiences were there. Another book I really like about that subject is The Grass Is Singing by Doris Lessing. It's a sad story, but written with a lot of compassion.

I think I will be reading When We Were Orphans next, by Kazuo Ishiguro. He's the same author who also wrote The Remains Of The Day. He was born in Japan, but has lived in England since he was 5 years old. The story plays in Shanghai and England in the 1930's, before WWII, and is of mystery and nostalgia and memories that go back to before that time. I loved The Remains Of The Day, so I'm looking forward to this book in particular.

I find that reading is one way to forget about smoking. I become so involved with whatever novel I'm reading that I forget all about cigarettes. I find it easier to get involved with a book and the storyline, maybe because I'm not distracted by my smoking. Maybe smoking is bad for your attention span and you lose your train of thought. Anything is possible.

Not smoking has certainly simplified my life. I can simply sit down wherever I want without having to arrange to have my cigarettes and ashtray and lighter there. I can just sit down without all the paraphernalia and get up again and move to another spot without a problem. I'm unencumbered. There's a freedom in that. All I need is my peppermints and something to drink, though that has gotten less too and I don't drink nearly the large amount of fluids that I used to. I'm not as thirsty and I think that is because I don't smoke. I guess it dehydrated me.

I have not started eating more to compensate for the lack of cigarettes. I think that's because I'm not going through nicotine withdrawal. I eat the same portions of food that I normally do. I'm definitely not planning on gaining any weight. That's not part of the program, especially not since I lost 9 kilos this year, or maybe more, I don't remember. If anything, I'm planning on continuing to lose weight, although I hope that the peppermints I eat don't hinder that.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries. I had him pick me up some chunky liverwurst, because, despite my misgivings about the meat industry, I did have some worries about getting enough protein in my diet. I thought the liverwurst would be easy to eat for me, because I did so well with the paté at my sister's party. Well, it turns out that I don't like the chunks in chunky liverwurst. They remind me too much of meat and where the meat came from. I guess I like my meat products to be in unrecognizable form and not in anyway to remind me of the animal, especially if it's a cold meat product. My imagination works overtime. The Exfactor is now going to go to the Lidl close to his house and buy a few patés and see if I like those better. I'm sure I will and I look forward to him bringing those over on Thursday.

Ostensibly, he's coming over to look at my sofa, but I think he just wants an excuse to come over, because he likes coming here. My sofa is going to be delivered this morning between 8:45 and 11:00, so there will be no sleeping late for me if I desire to go back to bed. I think I will stay up and read and watch the nightly repeat of the news. I never did get to watch the news last night and feel hopelessly uninformed.

Tyke seems to be cured of what was ailing him, so those antibiotics worked quickly. I'm sure it was that shot that set him right. He gets a pill once a day wrapped up in a slice of luncheon meat and he likes that so much that I'm sure he'd like it for the rest of his life, three times a day. Gandhi gets a slice to, but she's a finicky eater and doesn't finish all of hers. That leaves the rest for Tyke and he's no picky eater. Gandhi takes little bites of her slice of meat and takes forever to finish half of it. Tyke gulps his down in one fell swoop. he doesn't even take time to chew properly. That's why it is so easy to hide the pill in it. I guess that's a blessing then. You can't do that with a cat.

I'm planning on finishing that autobiography tonight. I will sit in my armchair and do nothing but read. Hopefully I will have it finished by the morning. I will make that my goal for this night. It will not be to sleep, but to read. I can always sleep. There are enough quiet moments to go lie down and from this morning on there will even be a sofa again.

I have to go see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm sure he will be pleased that I've quit smoking and am still sane. It is a miracle isn't it? I never thought I would be this calm. I thought I was going to be much more of a frantic person. I suppose I am very determined. I'm aiming for a 100% success rate on all fronts.

I have to get rid of that nasty little cough. If I still have it next week, I'm going to the doctor to ask him for an antibiotic, because maybe it's a bit of chronic bronchitis, which wouldn't surprise me after all that smoking. I never paid attention to it before and just accepted it as a smoker's cough, but that's ridiculous, of course. You should never accept things like that. Not even subconsciously.

It's raining outside and 16C, so it's not real cold. It's supposed to clear up later today, but not get much warmer. There's to be partial sun and clouds. That doesn't sound too bad. Sunrise will be at 7:15 am. That's late. It's staying darker longer all the time.

I hope you will all have a nice morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Pretending...

It's early in the morning and I'm pretending to be awake. I think I am awake, but I'm still drinking my first cup of coffee, so anything is possible. I will know more in half an hour when the caffeine has done its work. In the meantime, I sit here and smoke my cigarettes and blearily look at the keyboard and pick out the right keys to type. Every once in a while I yawn and think I will go back to bed, but I know it would be an exercise in futility. Once I'm up, there's no stopping me and I won't be able to go back to sleep, because I will be too excited about what the day will bring.

So coffee it is and several cups of it. Nice and strong. The kind that puts curl in your hair. Ha ha, if that were true, I would have very curly hair by now. I have no such luck and have to get any curls I want from a curling iron. I do have one of those, but up to now my hair has been too short to use it. I've tried it and all it does is put a kink in my hair. I'm to dignified to walk around with kinky hair. I'll have to let my hair grow longer just a bit. I just may do that.

I have to get dressed on time in case those men come to pick up the sofa and the carpet early to take to the dump. It will be a relief to have them gone, because they are standing in the hallway where I usually park my bike, and they are in the way. That sofa is standing on end in the corner and even Gandhi is not climbing to the top anymore. She did that at first, but the trick has gotten old, just as she never uses her scratch poles anymore, but prefers to use various pieces of furniture, rotating between the ones that are her favorites.

It's going to be one heck of a busy day with people coming and going and me having to go to the post office and the pharmacy at the end of it. I have to pick up some medicines and my nicotine patches, because I'm working on my last pack of tobacco and I'm not sure when I'm going to run out of it. Any day now I could be an ex-smoker. You will all have to bear with me as I go through the throes of cigarette withdrawal. I'll know not what to do with my hands. I better get something to fiddle with. Some rubber bands maybe or paper clips that I can bend out of shape.

Instead of waiting for my sister to take me to Ikea, I've ordered an area rug on line and I just discovered that it is going to be here this afternoon. I hope they get here on time, because I do have to go out at the end of it. It is nice that it is arriving today, though, as I can put it in place and it will be a spot for Tyke to lie down on. He has been sleeping in the armchairs, but he prefers to be on the floor. Usually the delivery person gets here around 3 pm, so I hope that counts for today as well. I will be home, because that's when the Exfactor will be putting together the coffee table. I can't wait to see what it will look like. I do know that it will be heavy, as the flat pack weighs a lot.

I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. It will be the beginning of a long day and I must be ready for it. I've had enough coffee to wind up a cuckoo clock. I think I will switch to fruit juice now.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

Is that lucky or what?

I did go back to sleep in the middle of the night when I told you that I was maybe going to do all sorts of jobs and I thought was too wide awake to go back to bed. I slept until 7 o'clock and got dressed immediately. I was a little dopey, but a cup of coffee helped me get over that. Coffee always works and always gets my mind up to the proper speed. What would I do without it?

Promptly, at 8 o'clock, a big truck pulled up outside and I locked Tyke in the spare bedroom and went to open up the front door and the outside door. The first thing that was carried in was the new coffee table, which came in a flat pack and which I would have to assemble myself. Then the delivery men started to carry in the sofa, but soon ran into trouble, because the space by the front door in the hallway turned out to be to narrow to let the long sofa in. I had not realized when I ordered it that it was over sized. Those guys tried every trick, but they could not get it inside, so they had to take it back and told me that I would have to order a shorter sofa.

I did that and it turns out that the sofa I ordered now is nicer than the sofa I ordered first. I think this one escaped my attention, because I was not looking for size, but for a three seater. This time I looked for size and got different choices. It will be here next Wednesday and until that time I will have to do without a sofa, but that is really no problem. There are worse things in life.

Then I opened the flat pack and saw what I had to deal with and the fact that there were about 100 screws that needed to be screwed in and I decided that it was not a job for me. I don't have an electric screwdriver. I called the Exfactor and he will be over tomorrow with his and put the coffee table together. I'm ever so grateful and until that time, the flat pack has been closed up again. Tyke lies on top of it with his ball and thinks he's the king of the living room.

I took a break and thought about things and then switched the armchairs around so that the barrel chair, which has comfortable armrests, is by the reading light and I can sit in it when I read my book. That way I don't have to lug a pillow around every time I sit down to read. I've put the extra pillows on my bed with pillow cases on them and they will come in handy when I want to lie down on the sofa, which has low armrests. They should be very good to sleep on.

Then I cleaned up and rearranged the bookcase and made space for more books by getting rid of obsolete things and moving reference books to the bedroom. That went a lot easier and faster than I had anticipated. I still have to move two boxes that are sitting on top of it. I had quite forgotten about them and am running out of space to put things. There's only so much room in the apartment. The bookcase looks much better now and that shows you what a short amount of hard work can do for you. I wasn't even out of breath.

I'm still going to do a load of laundry next and change my bed, so going to sleep tonight will be fun, although it really is every night, but I will wear clean pajamas too. That's something to look forward to. I think you must have these little points of light to aim for in your day every day. The smallest things count. Like having a glass of cold milk and a peanut butter sandwich or getting your mail out of the mailbox and finding a package there that you were expecting. It's all about anticipation and enjoyment.

I'm now going off to enjoy my chores. Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

In the late hours...

I went to bed early last night and slept for a couple of hours, only to wake up to have to go to the toilet and to have to let Tyke out. I will have to go back to bed some time to sleep some more until 7 am when I will have to get up, because my sofa is going to be delivered between 8 and 9:30 am. I want to be wide awake and dressed when that happens. I also do want to have had some coffee by then.

The living room is very empty without any sofa in it at all, but there is lots of room for Tyke to play with his ball, so he has been taking advantage of that. I've rolled up the area rug and I'm getting rid of it, because it has stains in it and a few burn marks from dropped cigarettes from when I was still on heavy tranquilizers and dozed off regularly. It's lucky I didn't burn the place down. I will get another area rug when I'm at Ikea next. I've seen some in the catalog that are not expensive and made of natural materials. I'm sure I'll find something there that pleases me. I've also seen the curtains there that I like and they are inexpensive as well and I want to get them. I'll have to ask my sister to take me over there one of these days soon.

I love all these changes that I'm about to make and am looking forward to them. I feel that I'm being shaken out of my complacency and am accomplishing things. Everything has been on the back burner for too long and it's about time I do something about them. It only takes a few bold steps and cutting the proverbial knot to get through the inertia that had built up. No doubt cutting down on my antidepressants has a lot to do with that, as it has given me more energy and a clearer point of view. They had actually dulled my outlook and performance. Not only am I reducing one, but I've cut another one out completely and I think that's a darn good thing.

I'm getting back some good feedback on quitting smoking. Not only will my clothes and my apartment smell better, my sense of smell and taste will improve too, so that I will enjoy things a lot more. No doubt I am severely impaired in these senses now. Food should taste better and scents should smell better. I will enjoy the smell of freshly washed laundry better. I have so much to look forward to. One thing, of course, will be cleaner lungs, and no longer that cough that I have in the mornings when I wake up and smoke my first cigarette. My physical condition should improve too and hopefully I will have more endurance. I will notice that when I'm riding my bike and when I'm walking Tyke.

Oh, I'm all bogged down in seriousness. I do have to lighten up. Today is going to be a great day. It is Thursday and officially my day off. Except for the sofa, that means no appointments and no visitors. I do have to do a load of laundry and take the dry laundry off the rack in the bathroom, but that will be an easy job. It's really not time to change the bed yet, I've just done that, but I'm tempted to do it again. All for the sake of clean smelling sheets. Ha, I don't even know what clean smelling sheets are yet. I suppose I'll have to wait a while to really find out. I've been fooling myself into thinking that I knew this, but I will really know once my nose starts working properly.

I've got the choice now to go to bed or to stay up. I'm not in the least bit tired, but it's awfully early to start the day. I can think of some things to do. There are a couple of jobs that need my attention. I can put them off or do them now and it will be fun to fill this empty time with something useful, as long as I'm not going back to sleep.

Tyke's gone to sleep on Jesker's old pillow. First he pulled it into the place he wanted it to be and got rid of all the toys that were lying on top of it and then he laid down on it. He's a smart dog. He misses the area rug to sleep on, no doubt. It's not much fun to lie on the cold linoleum.

I'm going to do those jobs now and keep myself busy and out of trouble.

Ciao,
Nora

After my birthday...

The most fun about my birthday was going downtown with my sister. It rained nearly up to the time we were supposed to leave, but when it was time to go, it stopped raining and it didn't rain again for the rest of the day. We rode our bikes downtown and parked them and went to the department store where I had seen pretty cardigans advertised on television of which I wanted to get one. We were very disappointed, though, because there were only a few left and they were all in the wrong color and the wrong size, so that turned out to be a popcorn fart. Imagine the store advertising them and then being almost out of them. That's no way to keep your customers happy.

We went to another store of which I knew that they usually have something good in my size and walking around there, my sister spotted a very pretty cardigan in a lovely color in my size. I tried it on, but knew ahead of time that I was going to like it, so trying it on was merely a formality. It fit beautifully and was very flattering and matched the clothes I was wearing very well, so that's the cardigan my sister bought me. I was quite contend with that.

We went to a café on the big square and sat outside under the wide awning that had a heater built in and ordered coffee and pie. My pie had whipped cream and white chocolate and it was so good, it was like an angel walking over my tongue. It was an enormous slice and I ate it as slowly as I could, but it was too much for me to finish and I nearly passed out eating it. We had a good time, though, and chatted and watched the people walk by. There were still plenty of tourists, even though the schools and universities have started up again. People watching is such a sport, but so is chatting about everything under the sun while having a cup of coffee.

We walked through the main shopping street and said goodbye at the tourist office where my sister works and I rode my bike home, hoping I wouldn't get rained on and I didn't, because the gods were smiling on me. No doubt because it was my birthday.

The Exfactor came over and did the groceries for me and bought pastries for by the coffee and gave me my presents, one of which was a set of tennis balls with which he made Tyke very happy, because we had misplaced the one and only tennis ball he had. The Exfactor had bought me wheat bread with poppy seeds of which I had a peanut butter sandwich at night. I was so full of the pie that I couldn't eat all day. He had a pastry and I watched him eat it, with no desire to have one myself.

After the Exfactor left, my friend Lucienne came over. I had not seen her in a long time, though we talk on the phone a lot. At least once a week, if not twice. We had a good old visit and I was sorry to see her go. I may not see her again for a long time, though she is in the neighborhood quite often. She finds it hard to do things spontaneously and has to carefully plan everything. She misses out on life a lot.

I had decorated the living room with streamers and balloons that I had found when I cleaned up one of the dresser drawers. Tyke was very much interested in the balloons and I gave him one to play with. Needless to say, it burst. He was shaken by that, but when I took everything down, I gave him more balloons to play with and he did it as carefully as he could. Eventually one would burst, but he was prepared and took some pleasure in it. He thought he had killed it and went on to the next balloon. He approached them and hit them and backed off, over and over again, until they burst. It's a good way to keep your dog amused, after the initial shock.

This morning I had to go see my SPN and I was sitting there yawning and made her yawn too. I had gotten enough sleep, but I was so ready to take a nap. I wanted to curl up on the floor right there and go to sleep. We talked about me quitting smoking and how hard that was going to be, but how determined I was and how very sure I am that I am going to succeed. She'll believe that when she sees it. She has a two week vacation coming up and when I see her next I will be an ex-smoker if all goes well. On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy and ordered a two week supply of nicotine patches. I'm starting with the highest dose and will then taper off. I will do it over a period of six weeks, I think.

I took a nap on the sofa when I got home and slept for an hour and a half and was awakened by the Exfactor who came to help me move the sofa to the hallway from where it will be picked up on Friday by the people who will take it to the dump. It is an old, worn out, ugly sofa and it is time for it to go. I have bought a new sofa and it will be delivered first thing tomorrow morning. I plan on paying it off with the money I save from not buying tobacco anymore. The new sofa is very modern and black, because Tyke is black, and it will match the rest of the interior. So needless to say, I'm very excited about that. Now all I have to do is get the living room and hallway painted and buy new curtains. I've seen those in the Ikea catalog.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Slippers...

Today was a nice enough day. I did nothing very important at all and that was just fine with me. I am convinced that there ought to be days like that in which I do nothing earth shattering and that are completely forgetful.

Well, let me correct that, it wasn't quite that forgetful. I did have coffee this morning with my sisters so that was a memorable occasion. It's not very often that the three of us sit together and reminisce about love and life. I think my older sister feels a little bit left out because she lives so far away and never gets to share her feelings except over the phone which is a lousy way to do it.

It has been an eye opener to have the three of us together and to see our different strengths and weaknesses. It was like looking into different mirrors and seeing multiple reflections. I very much saw my own strengths and was not disappointed. I measure up pretty well, but I saw strengths in them too and was surprised. I suppose I saw humanity reflected in them more than anything. The basic state of being a human being.

In the afternoon I took a long nap on the sofa because I had only slept 5 hours during the night. That was not enough sleep to make it through the day. I was watching Sail 2010 with the tall sailing ships and gently drifted off to sleep. I was awakened by the loud ringing of the intercom because a delivery person was there with a book I had ordered and the package didn't fit in the mailbox which was highly inconvenient. It's horrible to be awakened like that. That bell rings very loud and it scares you half to death.The other book I had ordered had been sent separately and it had fit in the mailbox because of different packaging. The one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing, I guess.

I had a cup of coffee to clear up the cobwebs in my mind and a piece of Brie against the hunger, that always helps. I do love the flavor of a good piece of Brie and it satisfies me so much. Tyke likes it too. It is our favorite snack.

My younger sister called me at 7 o'clock because she had bought me the slippers that I wanted. I had told her about them and said that I had been looking for them and she had found a pair downtown. After I walked Tyke, I rode my bike over there and tried them on. They fit perfectly and are very comfortable and exactly what I wanted. They are preformed for your foot and the slipper fits high on your arch so it doesn't slide off easily. My sister wouldn't let me pay for them and said they were a gift. My older sister had already given me money so I have been spoiled enough. I have very kind sisters.

We had coffee together out on the patio because the weather had decided to turn nice. There were pretty clouds in the sky and both the sun and the moon were out. The temperature was just right and it's supposed to be warm and sunny tomorrow. That will be a change from the cloudy and cool weather we have had all month. There will be no more rain for the next couple of days.

I have to send away 5 books for Bookmooch and I was worried that no one would want the books that I had listed. Every morning there is a new request. I have to finish mooching books myself, but I have to take some time picking them out. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I feel like staying up for a while because it's so cozy here by the desk lamp with my glass of milk and my cigarette.

Tyke is sitting on the dining room table looking out the window. I gave him special permission and he realizes how lucky he is. He is behaving very well and he's small enough to allow him to do something like this. He thinks he sees all sorts of interesting things outside, but I think they are all illusions. I won't let him know this, though, and let him keep on believing this.

I hope you all had a good day and are about to have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Done sleeping now.

I slept all morning and I just slept several hours on the sofa and I think I'm finally done sleeping now, because now I feel in a good mood and it is the first time today that I do. I tried to write a post earlier, but I was so depressed that I had to stop writing in case it became one big lament. I was just in need of sleep, except that I didn't realize it. I thought I had gotten all my sleep in the morning.

You see, not enough sleep always bothers me tremendously, but who's to say what is enough sleep in my case? It may have to be many hours before I've had enough. Whenever I don't feel that I'm in a very good mood, the first thing I ought to do is go back to sleep, but even I forget to do that, because I think I've already had enough. When I start feeling depressed, I ought to go to sleep and sleep for at least several hours before I wake up and feel in a good mood again.

That's why I think I'm not doing all that great right now and that's why I need so much sleep. It can possibly be because of the weather which has been gloomy. I claim it doesn't bother me, but maybe subconsciously it does. I always say that I like it when it is cool, but maybe these gray skies and little sunshine aren't so good for me. I don't know if you react to the weather that much and I would be curious to hear. Do you need to sleep as much?

It's been tough to motivate myself to get things done, but I did manage to do the dishes and do a load of laundry. I also went around and picked up handfuls of dog hair, because Tyke is shedding a bit. I cleaned up my desk and changed the bed last night and slept between clean sheets. I even went to the gas station at noontime and picked up cigarettes and a Mars candy bar. It was delicious. I almost never do that and Tyke was very sad that I didn't share it with him.

I have to clean the lower parts of the living room windows where the cats have been breathing on them in their effort to see what's happening in the street. Luckily, Tyke doesn't dirty them anymore. He can only stand on his hind legs to look through them. It's quite funny to see him standing there. He looks like a little person looking out the window and his head just sticks out above the windowsill. He can't breathe on the glass anymore.

I just took him for a walk and the sky is still very cloudy and gray. It looks like it is going to rain, but it doesn't and it's cold too. You need a cardigan and a jacket and I wear a scarf. I've also got leggings on and my boots. I was dressed for a day in March.

I'm going to get my pajamas on early and make myself comfortable. Oh yes, first I have to take out the trash and the green bin. I must not forget that. I have the need to sleep again, but I'm going to wait until it is a decent hour to go to bed. I do want to stick to some sort of normal schedule. Well, whatever counts for normal around here. I'm yawning something awful, though, and I'm sure that if I were to lie down on the sofa now, I would be sound asleep again in no time. So I better not go there.

Alright, so I better go and take out the trash and then put on my pajamas. I've got to make it cozy for myself.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

Cleavage!

The first thing I did this morning after I wrote my post, was pay the bills. This was less of a stressful job than I had anticipated (it always is) and I was done quickly. I pay them all on line, so it is easy to do. I was able to pay back a loan, so that made me feel real good. It's always nice when you don't have that hanging over your head anymore.

I was feeling tired despite my efforts to stay awake and to want to do chores. I made myself a cup of coffee but it was all in vain. I had to go back to bed. Just as I was about to, the package of clothes arrived. I was so tired that I didn't even open it, but put it down on the chair in my bedroom and went sound to sleep.

I woke up at noontime from the telephone ringing. It was my sister who wanted to go take the dogs for a walk. I said I was not coherent yet and that I would call her back and smoked a cigarette. Then I opened the package with clothes and got dressed. I tried on a bra first and it fit well and to my great pleasure, I had cleavage. That's what you get when you have the right cup size. I tried on one of the sundresses and it fit too and showed my cleavage really well. Lol.

I put on leggings and a cardigan and my boots and was ready to go. I called my sister and told her so. We met in the street and went for a walk. It was cold outside and there were dark gray clouds overhead. We didn't wander too far from home, because it really looked threatening. We were walking around the field in front of her house when the first splatters of rain came down and we hurried home as quick as we could. I had to drag Tyke with me because he wanted to stop and sniff everywhere.

When we got home, it was just about time for the match between the Netherlands and Japan, so I watched that. It was okay, nothing really noteworthy and the Netherlands won with 1-0. I keep getting ready to see some very exciting football, but I'm not seeing it. I probably have my hopes up too much. People were making all sorts of predictions about the outcome, but 1-0 is really a meager score. You'd think the Netherlands could do better than that.

After the game, I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a few hours. Tyke slept on the other end. I don't know what it is with me and sleeping lately, but I can't seem to get enough of it. I've heard, though, that more people are bothered by it, so it may have something to do with the weather. The cold dreariness may make us want to hibernate.

Of course, I haven't done a thing in the apartment. All of my chores are left undone. Do I care? Not very much, but I have to get them done tomorrow. The place has to be in good shape when the domestic help gets here Monday afternoon. I don't want her to think that I'm a messy person. She probably already thinks that after cleaning up my dirty apartment. I do want to make a good second impression. I don't want her to think that I'm a hopeless case.

I'm already looking forward to going to bed in a few hours. I can't wait to get under the covers. I probably will change the sheets before I get in, because it will be so nice and clean and good smelling. That will make going to bed extra special. I hope I sleep for a long time. I will get my pajamas and bathrobe on in a minute and hang out behind the computer for a while. I have to visit blogs and answer emails.

Have a good rest of the evening or rest of the day. It is dry here now, but there are many threatening clouds. It's kind of cozy inside.

Ciao,
Nora

On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Encore!

Remember when I said in my very last post that I was going to bed early and that I couldn't wait to get under the duvet with my book? Well, it didn't quite work out like that. I shut off the computer and made myself a bowl of porridge and ate that while I watched a program called "Missing" on the TV. Very quickly after I had eaten, I fell asleep on the sofa and I didn't wake up until just now and now I am wide awake again, albeit somewhat grumpy and disagreeable, but that's why I have the Senseo machine. I'm planning on being agreeable in a short time.

Of course, you don't care if I'm grumpy and disagreeable, but I care. I do get in the way of myself and generally suffer. I turn all my bad moods against myself and give myself a hard time and maybe the occasional innocent bystander too. But I'm the most concerned about myself, because I'm very harsh on myself. I don't tolerate anything that even reeks of negativism and grumpiness is not allowed. It's like sticking needles into your own skin and laughing while your doing it and I'm not talking about the gentle practice of acupuncture. I'm talking about a more torturous sort of thing.

Okay, enough of that. We all know about suffering and bad moods and painful feelings. It's a problem when they strike so often and out of the blue when you least expect them and when you haven't done anything wrong as far as you know. You wonder why you deserve them. It always feels like the wrath of god is upon you. See how I didn't spell that with a capital letter? I didn't want to offend any god in particular.

Anyway, I changed from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome just a few days ago and now suddenly my spell check works again. It seems that all these different browsers have their individual shortcomings, although I must say that I liked Firefox, except for the terrible slowness it created in my computer, so I won't go back to it. I like Google Chrome, but I haven't figured out how the tab sheets work yet. I'm assuming I have a screw loose somewhere, because I can't seem to follow the instructions. One day, when I least expect it, I will solve the problem.

A funny thing is that it gives me the British English spelling, so if you notice a difference in my language, that will be the reason for it. I have changed the setting to American English, but it doesn't care, so when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So I will now write honour and colour and grey. That's how I learned it in the first place. These things always caused me some confusion, so now it's settled.

In the meantime it's getting awfully late and I really ought to think about going to bed, although I'm not sleepy. The only thing that would get me there is my book. I always thought it was cold in my bedroom and today I found out that the window was open at the top. It may have been for a long time and here I've had the heater on. What a terrible faux pas, heating the outside air. It's sad to see that I'm not perfect after all. Ha! Far from it I would say.

I'm planning on sleeping late in the morning, but I hope I stick to that plan and don't get it in my stubborn head to get up early. I know I will regret it. I always need so much sleep to catch up on during the day. It's no wonder when you turn your circadian rhythms upside down.

I know what sort of bed I long for. One with a big, thick, downy mattress that I would sink into and a huge, fluffy duvet and many thick pillows. Sort of like a fairytale bed. A sensuous bed for hiding away in all by myself. Who needs anybody else there, unless it's George Clooney? And if you can't have him, why bother with anyone else?

Right, it's off to bed I go. I may get waylaid before I get there, but I will give it my best shot. If I would just yawn I would have more faith in it. Oh there, I just did it. Just writing about it made it happen.

Have a good morning when you all wake up and a good night when you all go to bed.

Ciao,

Nora

Late at night...

I've tried several times today to write a post, but each time my mood was not such that I thought I could write a good one and I deleted each attempt, even if I had written a few paragraphs already. I think maybe now I'm up to it and I'm seriously going to try it. I've just slept a little on the sofa and when I woke up, I was very groggy and made myself a cup of coffee despite the late hour. It has woken me up completely and improved my mood quite a bit. If being up late is the price I pay for that, then so be it.

I've had a struggle with depression all day long and it's been a difficult day. At one point I called my psychiatrist and talked to him about it. He says that I'm feeling so guilty for performing what I think is below par, that I think I deserve to die for it as a punishment and that this feeling is something very deep seated in me. We have to analyse this more at our next meeting. Because I'm depressed, I'm unable to perform and he increased my Effexor one more time and reduced my anti psychotics, because they can work as downers and make you feel flat. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to see how I am.

Some people from the Green Cross Foundation came to talk to me about my status quo after having been alerted by my domestic help. They wanted to know how my situation was and to offer me a personal helper who would come to support me several hours a week with such things as personal care and shopping and other things I have a hard time with. I was completely taken aback, because this was unasked for help and at first I didn't get any and now I'm getting a lot. They are going to file a request immediately after questioning me carefully. They were psychiatric nurses, so they knew what they were talking about. They showed a great deal of concern and prepared a work folder for me as we spoke. It was an amazing thing.

When I wasn't feeling down in the dumps or trying to write a post, I slept on the sofa a lot. Sleeping is my best defence. It only takes me a few minutes to fall asleep after I lie down. It is so very comfortable on the sofa in the sunlight, but even though there was sunlight today,. it was a cold day and I had the heater on and my cardigan too. I like to be warm and cosy, although I have now turned down the heater and taken off my cardigan as it was quite warm enough in here. I think I get cold too when I get sleepy, so that really should be a signal to me.

I had cold milk and Camembert for dinner and it was mighty tasty. I should be the spokeswoman for dairy products, I eat enough of them and I could not do without them. I especially like the soft cheeses, because they agree with my gastric band so well as opposed to the harder cheeses, but I like any kind of cheese really and there are many good kinds to be found in the store where I shop. There is a whole cheese counter with a large variety of cheeses. Some of them are quite expensive, that's why I stick to the cheaper store brands of the Brie and Camembert. I'm always trying to keep my grocery bill as low as possible. It's a challenge, although I'm sure that the more expensive kinds will taste a lot better, these cheaper ones taste good enough.

I have a tiny little scab on my face on a place where I have rosacea and every time I accidentally touch it, it starts to bleed something awful and I have to sit with a tissue to my face and wait for it to stop bleeding. It looks like a battle took place here. It's because the weak blood vessels are so close to the surface there. It's very hard not to touch that scab, because it itches. See, it's always something.

I'm actually feeling fairly good right now, which is the first time today, or since yesterday, that I can say that. I'm saying this very conditionally in case something goes wrong with the carefully balanced things. I'm almost afraid to enjoy the moment, but I must. They don't come along often lately.

I've taken off all my rings and for one of them I had to use dish washing liquid. It was a little bit tight. I decided that I did not want to belong to anybody any more and have no memory of anyone on my hands. I have callouses on my fingers from the rings. I don't know if I'm going to wear different rings, I think I will. I have some rings that have little or no meaning. At least it won't look like I'm married or that I'm a widow. I'll look for the other rings in a while in my jewellery drawer. I have some silver ones with semi-precious stones that I may want to wear. They come from a collection of jewellery that belonged to my mother, but I have no recollection of her wearing these, so there are no memories attached to them. They are just rings to me and I've had them for ages. They are actually kind of pretty and I do look forward to getting them out again. Maybe I'll start to care about what I look like again.

I haven't done so in quite awhile and just put on the same old things in the morning with not much thought to how I looked. I really didn't care very much. I thought if I looked halfway decent from a distance, then that would be okay. Up close and personal was a different matter, but then who does get that close? Not many people. I will try to put on something nice tomorrow morning. To celebrate the changing of the rings. Not the changing of the guard, that's a whole other thing all together.

I'm going to look for those rings now and matching bracelets. Maybe I'll pick out my outfit right away too. Then I'll have no excuse to be lazy in the morning and put on the same old things. Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Have a good night if you're going to sleep and a good day if you're waking up.

Ciao,

Nora

Another nice day...

First the Exfactor was here this morning and when he went to make his cup of coffee, he saw that I was completely out of milk, in other words, that groceries needed to get done, which he offered to do for me as I had hoped. I quickly made a shopping list and off he went on my bicycle with the shopping bag and my bank card. He was back in the shortest amount of time, I still don't know how he does that, and I helped him put away the groceries with Tyke's help. Tyke's help consists of trying to pull everything out of our hands before we can put it away. Then the Exfactor offered to take Tyke for a walk, which I think he secretly enjoys doing, and of course, I had no objections. Off they went together, Tyke leading the Exfactor down the sidewalk with a steady pull on the leash. Tyke can make himself very heavy for 11 kg.

After the Exfactor left, I washed and dried and put away the dishes, but completely forgot to fold and put away the dry laundry. Unless I make a list of things to do, I'm afraid this is my fate and things fall by the wayside. In other words, I am very absentminded and forget things easily and just assume I have been good and gotten everything done. So, unless I forget, I'm going to have to make a short list in the morning with things to do written on it, such as brush your teeth and comb your hair. No, really. I do walk past things that need to get done absentmindedly, as they don't penetrate my awareness until I practically hit my head on them. Or my big toe.

I was reading blogs and commenting on them when the domestic help came ands she was a very nice and polite girl who was more than eager to do any job I wanted her to. Intelligent too and I got the idea that she was a university student who did this job part time. She washed all the windows inside and out and, although she didn't do them perfectly, they are in much better shape than they used to be. She also cleaned the refrigerator and the utensil drawer, which was something that had to happen badly and she had to use a scrub sponge. It hadn't been cleaned in some time and my refrigerator is now spotless.

I feel incredibly spoiled that these kinds of jobs are finally getting done and I am so grateful that they are, because they are the kinds of things that I was unable to do myself and barely was aware of needed to happen. It has only recently been pointed out to me that they have to. The insides of the kitchen cabinets need to happen next and the glass windows above the interior doors and I'm sure there are all sorts of other jobs that need to get done.

After she left, I wanted to keep on commenting on blogs, but was struck by an enormous tiredness and laid down on the sofa for a while, which turned into a 2,5 hour nap. I don't know where all this need for sleep comes from, since I slept so well in the morning, but apparently I needed it. I don't know what role my medicines play in my sleepiness, but I do think they add to it. I always, or usually, feel very good when I wake up from a nap. It's like I'm renewed again. My brain isn't spilling over with all sorts of nonsense and I can think clearly. I must make sure that I'm really awake in the morning before I start doing things. Sometimes I think I get up prematurely when I should sleep more and I try to function before my brain is really ready for it. It makes for a sad performance. It might be better if I don't get up right away, but stay in bed longer, despite my eagerness to be awake.

I finished the book I was reading, "The Pilot's Wife," and liked it well enough. The ending was especially good. I have to pick out another book to read now and I have to have a good look in my bookcase and see what it's going to be. I have so many unread books and unknown authors that the choice is difficult. I'm always afraid that I'll get stuck with a book that I don't like at all, because that's such a disappointment and you hate to put it back on the shelf, because you know you'll never read it. There should be a home for orphaned books, those are the books that only a few people like.

Tyke is lying beneath my computer table and farting. It smells delicious. He'll probably have to go out. I have to go visit Facebook and see my daughter's tribute to her brother. I've been notified of it by my sister.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you enjoy the silence of no planes as I do.

Ciao,

Nora