As of last night, I decided to stop using my sleeping pills, because they weren't helping me sleep very much anyway, and I slept as much without them as I did with them. I don't know if I am going to go through any withdrawals, but I'll worry about that when it happens. I am assuming that I'll be fine and that it is going to be no problem at all. I have done without them before and I don't even remember now why I went back on them. I think maybe it was when I was cutting back on the antipsychotics and felt a lot of anxiety.
I went grocery shopping in a different supermarket yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as traumatic an experience as I had thought it was going to be. Actually, it was fine and a bit of an adventure. I had a shopping list, of course, and all I had to do was walk through the store and find out where everything was located. I was shopping for the best deals and think I did a good job. I shopped for the whole week and stayed within my budget. I think I saved money, but I still have to compare the items on this receipt to the one from last week.
I didn't buy any cheese, but I bought a small jar of peanut butter instead, just to give it a try. Much to my dismay, I found out that this is also very addictive and that I have to be careful how many sandwiches I eat of it. I do very severely have to put a limit on it. I found the perfect food for Tyke that he can eat twice a day and that isn't expensive yet filling. I found something similar for Gandhi and they both like it. As a matter of fact, they both try to persuade me to give them more of it, but I am tough enough not to do this.
I have to go back to bed now and finish sleeping. It will be a few hours until dawn yet, but I will be greeted soon by birdsong and that is an awfully nice way to wake up.
I am having one of those restless nights again and this is the second time that I am up. I am feeling a lot of anxiety and I know it is because I am worried about my financial situation. I have not been able to make ends meet every month and things are only becoming more dire. It is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep. It is to the point now, that I really can not afford to go grocery shopping.
I made myself a small pot of coffee and am hoping that it will cheer me up a bit, because, as a rule, caffeine makes me feel better. I know worrying does not help, but coming up with solutions does, and that is what I am going to have to do. I have already found a supermarket that is farther away from here, but that is cheaper than the one I go to now. I hope to save some money that way.
I am going to have to stop eating cheese, because it is making me retain water and making my hands and feet swell up. It will be a good thing, because I am addicted to cheese and have a tendency to eat too much of it. There will be enough alternatives of things to put on my toast instead, such as honey and jam. I think cheese also makes my eczema worse, so that is an extra incentive to stop eating it. I would be silly not to and it will save on the grocery bill.
Thank goodness that I have a natural streak of optimism that does not let me down in the end and that, for a little while anyway, allows me not to worry when nothing can be done about it. I have to let my rational mind prevail at all times and keep my common sense intact.
Yesterday was still a holiday, but today the week starts again like any other. I am a bit glad about that, because I do like things to get back to normal and we have had a lot of holidays lately. My personal helper will be here in the morning and in the afternoon a domestic help should be here. Somewhere in between, I will try to go to the store or I may even be able to postpone that for a day.
I think I have decided to very leisurely take the day off and to only do the chores that absolutely need to be done. I am not going to go over and beyond the call of duty and I am not going grocery shopping, although I did toy with the idea for a while. There is enough food left for me to eat, and if the animals do not protest too much, there is enough for them also. And, of course, today is a holiday and I should take advantage of that, even though the supermarket is open. Today I think I will have a little vacation.
Having given myself that permission, I can now relax and do as I choose, well up to a point. I will not throw all my responsibilities overboard. I am not quite that careless. I do feel that I can plan my day very loosely, and do what needs to be done whenever the fancy strikes me. It is supposed to rain today, although it has not started yet. The sky is overcast and it does not bode well, but I have already been out to walk Tyke. That is one responsibility that I got taken care of. I will have to take him out more often than that, of course, so I am not off the hook yet.
I have already changed the sheets to my bed and very optimistically put the summer ones on that are such a cheerful color. I still have the four season duvet on the bed and it will be a while before I change that because it is not quite warm enough to. I am actually not that optimistic about summer and it may turn out like last year when we had a cool one with a lot of rain. That is really not all that awful, because it is better than having heat waves, which can feel tropical here because of the humidity.
My American ex is going to be here on the 12th of June and will be staying for a month. I have arranged for him to have a bike while he is here, so that he will be able to get around. At least we will be able to go grocery shopping together. I will make sure that he gets some shopping bags too, because I am sure we will need more food while he is here. He likes to make those big American sandwiches and he has quite an appetite for dinner too. No doubt he will want me to make macaroni-shrimp salad, which is his favorite.
I have managed to have a couple of cups of coffee, but I did not get the kick out of them that I used to get. I ate earlier during the night when I woke up and could not immediately go back to sleep. I think I am now ready to eat again. I just took a loaf of bread out of the freezer and will have toast with cheese. I also think that I will go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep. I think I did not get enough during the night. Is that not the best thing to do on a leisurely day?
Since I am eating solid meals, I have to eat regularly because my body tells me, except that I am not that good yet at interpreting the signals and mistake them for tiredness and sleepiness, which I try to fix by drinking cups of coffee. I found out that those do not work at getting my energy back and that I really need to eat a meal and not even just drink a glass of lemonade. I certainly learned my lesson this morning when I struggled mightily with this whole concept.
I must get low blood sugar that I have such a hard time with it and from now on have to make sure that I eat on time. It does not matter what time it says it is on the clock, I can not let myself be led by that kind of small detail. When I am almost comatose, I need to eat a meal. Luckily, toast with cheese is easily fixed and I can always eat extra if it turns out to be necessary. All I have to do is wait for the first helping to do its job, and if it does not, have a second helping. I have to learn this funny business about food all over again.
Now I am to the point where caffeine only cheers me up when I have a full stomach and my metabolism is working normally. If I am floundering, there is no amount of coffee that is going to make me feel better and I may as well not brew a pot. It certainly is an interesting development when you consider that it practically kept me alive before. Things really have changed.
I am listening to Radio Clara, which is a Belgian classical radio station. I do not care for all of the music I am hearing, but then again, I do not get to choose it and I have to accept whatever I get. I was inspired to listen to it because there was a very interesting conductor being interviewed on television this morning who spoke with passion about Beethoven. He not only did so with his voice, but with his face and his hands and his whole body as well. This got me longing for classical music, which I have not listened to for a while.
Apparently Gershwin counts as a classical composer as well, because I am listening to a piece by him now. It sounds kind of frivolous to me, but who am I to say. I just want some Beethoven, but I suppose I can look through my own collection of music. I have not done that in a while either and have forgotten what I own.
It is a beautiful day today and the sun has been out since dawn. There is hardly a cloud in the sky, but we have been promised some rain this evening and more of that tomorrow, unfortunately. I have to go walk Tyke again and it will be a pleasure. There is nothing as healing and kind as sunlight.
I am wearing my new glasses and have worn them for a long enough time now to have gotten used to them. When I first put them on, my eyes had to adjust to the strength and it felt like they were maybe all wrong, and it felt funny looking at my surroundings when I rode my bike home from the optometrist. Now that it is a couple of hours later, and I am sitting here behind the computer, I realize how much better I can see and that is such a relief. I am at some distance from the screen and can see the words and letters easily without any effort.
These glasses have a bigger frame than my old ones and show my eyes more, and because of that, I have put on mascara and I think I look a bit better with it on. Yes, I have capitulated and am wearing make up. It is a small concession that I made for vanity's sake. I immediately had a very nice man with a dog talk to me when I walked Tyke this afternoon. I'm sure the fact that I was wearing such nice glasses and mascara were the reason. I normally do not get involved in such long conversations with strangers. I hope I see him again.
I think I will let my hair grow a little longer and only have it cut around my ears and in my neck the next time I go to the hairdresser. It is getting a little thin in some places and I think the person who cut it had not taken that into account. If my hair is not squeaky clean, the thin places do show up quickly. I also think it will look better longer with these new glasses, but you do not know these things ahead of time. All you can do is try things out and then patiently wait for them to correct themselves. In another 5 weeks, I will look fine, but I do wish for a full head of hair.
I am hungry for dinner, but it is not time to eat yet. It is too late to eat a snack and I do not want to spoil my appetite. I also do not want to take in too many calories, because I am gaining weight and there is a limit to how much weight I want to gain. I think I will have a glass of lemonade and pretend it is food. The sugar in it will give me a quick pick me up anyway and the coldness of the ice cubes will shock my system into a whole new kind of awareness. Isn't it nice how I can rationalize any kind of a choice I make? I could just as easily opted to have a glass of ice cold milk and given you a reason why that would have been a good choice.
It has actually not rained all day long, after it did so all day yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be a fairly nice day with some sunshine and warmer temperatures. It does not feel like springtime very much yet, but maybe it will for a while tomorrow.
I am happy to report that I can take real creamer in my coffee again and that it tastes good and does not upset my stomach at all. I had it in the refrigerator for the Exfactor, and today decided to give it a try and it was a success, and I do have to say that I like the taste of my coffee this way. It goes down it bit smoother and it feels like I am getting away with something real evil. That must be because I was forced to drink it black for such a long time. This is a far superior experience and I may end up liking coffee even more than I already did.
The other thing that has happened is, that by eating such different and varied food, my metabolism has speeded up and my whole system is working just fine, thank you very much! There is a lot of truth in eating on time and sensibly, which I had not been able to do for such a long time. Now, I no longer have to ignore the pangs of hunger, or feed my stomach mushy foods, and I can eat all sorts of healthy and nutritious things.
Last night I had fusilli pasta with a mushroom ragout and Italian vegetables. I have enough left over that I am going to have it again tonight and I am looking forward to it. When something tastes very good, I do not mind eating it two nights in a row.
I also have in my possession a magazine with lots of vegetarian recipes and I have already found several that I want to try. Some of them I am going to adapt to my taste and others reminded me of food I used to eat when I was young, and I can fix those dishes that my mother used to make, but instead of meat I can use meat replacements that also taste very good nowadays. I did look through the magazine after I had done the grocery shopping, so whatever new food I am going to try is going to have to wait until the next trip to the supermarket.
I just made Tyke very happy, because I gave him the contents of the one can of dog food that I had left over and that I was saving for an emergency. I was hoping that he was really going to like his dried kibbles, but I think he would rather starve than eat them. He is now very contentedly lying in my armchair, sound asleep and snoring very gently. I think having a full stomach did that to him. As soon as it stops raining, we will go out for a walk, but right now it does not look like he is ready to go anywhere. Frankly, it does not look like it will stop raining soon either.