No chickens crossing the street...

It's early in the morning and any time now the sun is going to come up. It will not be the spectacular sight I make it out to be. It will slowly get light and there will not be musical accompaniment as there would be in a documentary narrated by David Attenborough. It will be a very understated event. An every day occurrence.

On top of that, it is foggy now and it will be cloudy later, so you can well imagine that it will not look like I am on the Serengeti Plains. Today will be just a bad weather day in the Netherlands in July. We're stuck under a low pressure system. 

It would be nice if life were accompanied by a permanent appropriate soundtrack, but there is no such thing, although I guess people with iPods would disagree with that. Maybe it would become somewhat nerve wrecking after a while if every experience were set to music, even if it was the music of your choice. 

I would need a lot of Baroque, for instance. Lots of Bach. That would fit my life best. For me no highly dramatic, sweeping movements by Mahler. That would be way too emotional. I would only go as far as Vivaldi for the bigger events. 

Let's face it, though. There are no really big events in my life anymore. They're all well behind me. All I have left now is the preciseness of every day predictability and the false sense of control that I try to keep over it. 

I say it is a false sense because you rarely can control all the events in your life. You are always left vulnerable because you're a human being and part of a whole. You'd have to be a recluse not to be exposed to that. 

***

I watched a fun thriller last night. It was called 'Sherlock' and yes, there was a Dr Watson, but it played in the present time and there was no question of time travel. There had never been another Sherlock Holmes. I was a bit skeptical at first, but it turned out to be a brilliant episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope there's another episode on soon because I'll be watching it with pleasure. 

***

Yesterday was a shitty day. I was in a state of depression practically all day. It didn't lift until the evening, like it usually does when the day is over. I don't know what to make of it and I don't know what the cause of it is. I'll blame it on the weather for lack of a better reason. 

I do so intensely dislike my moods and the eternal shifts in them that I find unpredictable. I always try to find the reason, but it is not always obvious and when I think I have found it, it very often doesn't turn out to be the right one. 

All I can hope for is a shift toward a better mood and that this doesn't take too long. I do feel like a puppet on a string. 

***

I must go back to bed. I've got some sleeping left to do. Today should be a quite ordinary day without surprises in it. I've got to do some chores, but nothing spectacular. There is going to be rain and it should be a good day to read. 

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Completely...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm completely wide awake, smoking the last of my cigarettes until I go to the pharmacy first thing in the morning to pick up my nicotine patches. When I first got up I was miserable and grumpy and out of sorts and chain smoking, until I had my cup of coffee and then I was okay and a more reasonable human being. Coffee does set me to rights and I can never do without it. It's like a medicine to me. I sorts out my brain. I'm convinced of the healing powers of caffeine in my case. I don't know what it does for you, but for me it is a very positive experience.

I read blogs, which I was behind on, and left comments on most of them. Some of them I had not read in three days, so I was shamefully behind. I had not been in the proper mood and could not bring myself to read them, let alone comment on them. I am caught up now and can relax again. I feel I've had my enjoyment and done my duty. I read some blogs that I hardly ever comment on, because I feel a little bit like a stranger there, but I'm a faithful follower. I hope the fact that I show up counts for enough.

I had not planned to stay up, but now that I am, I am going to make the most of it and enjoy myself. I'm in such a good mood now that I want to take advantage of that and let the situation last as long as possible. I'm not going to spoil it by going to bed. There's not a hair on my head that's thinking about it anyway. I'm too excited to go to bed just now.

I do have very interesting dreams when I sleep and I wonder how much they are influenced by what I hear on the radio while I'm asleep. I have elements in my dreams that were not there before, so I'm sure they are coming from outside, but I give my own twist to them and incorporate them into my own fantasies. Music is part of it and I do dream about that regularly, but have people play it whom I know very well. Or have them sing songs. Still, although I listen to a Dutch radio station, all my dreams take place in the English language, of that I'm sure, and I find that interesting. My dreams are all very dramatic and look like large screen movie productions with special effects and a music score and everything. Like a filmed opera, I suppose. There's wailing going on too, sometimes. Lord only knows what I listen to at night.

I talked to my sister yesterday and she told me that her party went on until 2:30 in the morning. Can you imagine lasting that long? I would have called it quits by midnight. I'm so obviously not a party animal and my sister so obviously is. She always has a lot of fun in a crowd of people. I do better in small intimate groups. She's a very outgoing person, a real extrovert and shares herself with anyone and everybody. I'm more introverted and private and share myself sparingly. Except on my blog, that's the exception. I share myself here because I can be contemplative and choose my words carefully and show what I want to show, although I'm not that secretive about myself. For the most part, I'm pretty open and tell it like it is in a mostly rational way.

For the past few days I've felt a bit down and I thought that maybe I was getting depressed, but it seems to have lifted now and I feel better. I suppose those are just the natural cycles that people go through that I have to get used to. Not every mood has to have a significant meaning, except for the last one I had, which was distinctly hypomanic and could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. As it is, the damage was relatively small and I didn't do anything too crazy, except for buying a new sofa and coffee table and area rug. That's still within reason, just about. I'm going to pay them off with the money I save on the tobacco I won't be buying anymore. That adds up to a large amount of money.

I'm afraid of the black dog that's always stalking me in the background, but maybe he will stay in the background this season. I've had years when he didn't appear at all, and maybe this will be one of them. I'm as prepared as I can be and have all systems in place. I know I can count on the light therapy lamp to elevate my mood, there's no doubt about that. It's a shame that I had lost faith in it and didn't use it last year. It would have saved me a lot of bother.

Yesterday afternoon I didn't have an Internet connection. I reset the modem four times, unsuccessfully. I finally called the help desk and they talked me through the procedure and it turned out in the end that the cable in the hard drive wasn't plugged in properly. Duh! I think Tyke must have pulled it loose when he went to retrieve his ball. It sure puzzled me and I hadn't thought of that solution, but I will from now on. It will be the first place I look if and when it happens again. You learn a new lesson every day. It makes you appear a little dumb, but I don't care about that. Let them think what they want, as long as I have my connection back.

Well, I'm going to enjoy the last hours of my smoking life. I have to stock up on some air freshener and Febrèze. I'm going to treat the whole apartment and do lots of laundry. I will have the place smelling good in no time.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning...

Here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I have read blogs and left comments and answered my emails. For some reason my latest post got published without the ability to leave comments and I tried to fix it, but to no avail. I hope this doesn't happen again. I would hate to have a problem with blogger that's going to be hard to fix. I want no frustration like that at all.

I have just turned on the light therapy lamp and the bright light of it is making my eyes squint in the early morning darkness. It is like a wake up call. Like going out in the bright sunshine. No doubt I will be perky as the early bird in no time at all. That, along with my coffee, should get me off to a good start. I will no doubt be as energetic as a go cart in the shortest amount of time and have limitless amounts of get up and go. I can hear my engine revving up now. It just needs a little more fuel.

The book I started reading yesterday afternoon turns out to be very good. The subject matter is fascinating and it is very well written. There is not a hitch in it. It reads as easily as downing a plate of very good fettuccine with real Italian cheese. It is a true pleasure. The premise of the book is a difficult one and the story is complicated and not an easy subject, but she writes about it beautifully and convincingly. You look forward with a certain amount of dread, but with a lot of curiosity, to the real circumstances of the drowning of the sister and the almost drowning of the child who is so traumatized. The main character of the book is a force to be reckoned with, although quite disturbed. The father is a man of yet unknown strengths.

I sat in my armchair with a tall glass of milk and the reading light by my side and an extra pillow for comfort and read the rest of the afternoon into the evening until it was time to watch the news. I didn't read it when I went to bed at night. I merely got under the duvet and laid there in the semi dark and waited for sleep to come, which it did quickly. I thought about my blogging friends and what they would be doing at that particular time and I tried to imagine them in their lives, knowing all that I know about them, while at the same time knowing so little.

This morning the Exfactor is coming by to do the groceries and have coffee, although he can't stay late because he has to work in the afternoon. It will be a short visit, but it will be nice nevertheless. I have to stay home in the afternoon and wait for my package to be delivered. Hopefully that won't take too long. They are usually here some time in the middle of the afternoon and not some time around 6 pm when they could also come.

I'm going to set up the radio/CD player right away in my bedroom and find a pleasant radio station to listen to so I will be ready to turn it on at night when I go to sleep. I also have to find those CD's of nature sounds that are somewhere in the collection and some pleasantly serene classical music ones. I want to be well prepared. I haven't had a radio in a while so I'm curious to see which stations I will be able to receive. I hope for a pleasant jazz station and for a station that plays a lot of baroque. No operas and romantic classical music, please. No Mahler, but Eric Satie would be nice. That reminds me, I have double CD's of his music.

It's only 8C outside right now. I stood by the back door and welcomed the cold air on my body. It was very refreshing. It wasn't raining, but the sky was partly cloudy. I did see the moon and it was in its third quarter. Last night, when I went to sleep, the bedroom was chilly and it felt great to get under the duvet. I had bare arms, so I was a bit cold. I still have to get an extra cover for the bed to put over the duvet. I thought I had something in the closet somewhere, but I have not found it yet. Maybe it is in one of the boxes in the spare bedroom. I'll have to have a look.

I'm all done drinking coffee now. Three cups are more than enough. That's all I can handle. As it is, I have to throw the last little bit away into the kitchen sink. Coffee is great to drink and it does wonders for your mental health, but too much of it is no good either. I'm down to three cups a day and I think that's enough of a good thing. I have to get into the habit of drinking tea, but I have to buy a teapot and a tea cozy. That will go on the list of things I want for my birthday. I like making proper pots of tea and not dunking teabags in a tea glass.

I'm off to start the day. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and walk Tyke. He's very impatiently breathing down my neck. Gandhi is also, I know not for what reason.

I hope you all have a nice day. The weather looks very dubious here. I could get wet.

Ciao,
Nora

Music Box.

I was lying in bed last night in the semi dark, not reading my book, and I thought what I really needed was a radio/CD player so that I could listen to softly turned down music to fall asleep by. I have enough CD's of music that I like well enough and also some of nature sounds that would be very soothing to listen to and I could order others. Then there are also radio stations that may be interesting to listen to and fall asleep to if I have the sound turned down low. It would quietly occupy my mind as a drift off to sleep.

This is not a completely original idea, because Maggie May listens to the radio every night as she goes to sleep. I think she listens to talk radio and the soothing sound of the voices helps her fall asleep. That sounds very attractive. I'm not always in the mood to read my book. Sometimes I'm too tired to and just want to lie there by the light of the night light in the almost dark. The problem is keeping your mind occupied and keeping your thoughts from straying. Music would prevent that from happening.

I ordered a radio/CD player on line that was not too expensive and it will be here tomorrow. I can put it on the bookshelf beside my bed and have it within easy reach and keep some CD's there as well. I'm looking forward to it. Especially the radio part as I haven't listened to the radio in more than 2 years and am completely out of touch with the programming.

I did fall asleep on my own last night without any help and slept well until a decent time this morning. I didn't have any night sweats for a change and maybe that is because it's so much cooler in the apartment. I always have to wear my bathrobe in the morning now and it's no luxury. This comes from a person who likes to be cool in temperature. I like to be cool too in the popular sense of the word, but that's another thing altogether. I don't know if it's possible to be cool at my age. I haven't been accused of it in quite a while.

I'm having a very good cup of coffee and am enjoying my cigarette. I do very much like these early hours of the morning before life has properly started. The trash people haven't even come by yet. I say people, but they are men, I haven't seen a woman on the trash truck yet. Not that men aren't people. I'm not so unkind as to deny them that privilege.

It's stopped raining and the sky is now merely cloudy, but it is cold outside. I will have to dress warm when I walk Tyke in a little while. I'll have to go find something with long sleeves to wear. That will be fun to do. I'll take a dive in my closet and see what I can come up with. It's been a while since I've worn my long sleeve stuff, except for my one cardigan. I do like it when it's chilly and I get to wear different clothes for a change. I like layers, so that's probably the best choice, although a sweater may be nice too.

I'm not closing the windows yet. It has to get colder inside before I do that. I do want to keep airing out the apartment as long as I can because I smoke. It does get smelly in here if I don't. I'm going to try and postpone turning on the heater as long as possible. This climate is not made for sissies. You just have to put on more clothes. Or own a fireplace.

Right, I'm getting the show on the road. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did. I would be very happy with a country lane now, although it would probably be awfully muddy now, so maybe it is better to stick to the sidewalk. I don't own any galoshes. I'm a city woman.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

The Blue Afternoon.

I am sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes and have just read the blogs I was behind on reading. I left comments on some and on others I didn't. I don't always know what to say. Sometimes I even think it's inappropriate to make a remark. I feel that anything I would say would be the wrong thing, because I may have missed the point of the post. I'm not all that smart all the time. I don't always understand people's most pertinent emotions, just as I'm probably not always understood myself. It's so easy to dismiss things or to trivialize them or to ignore them as not being important enough.

The simple things are always the easiest. The quick to grasp ideas that some people are very good at presenting. Things that don't need long explanations in six paragraphs or more, which is the way I write. Some people don't make long stories, but keep it short and to the point. You almost think it's a shame that they do, because you want more of them, but they said what they had to say and that's it. I like it when people ramble on a bit, because that is my own style, and some people are so pleasant to read. You want to know more. You want information. Trivial bits of knowledge.

The Exfactor was here earlier. He arrived just as my psychiatrist called, like I had asked the secretary for him to do. I took the call in the bedroom for privacy reasons, but of course the Exfactor knew something was up. I don't know if he overheard me speaking to my psychiatrist or what. The Exfactor asked me right away, when I was done, if I was not doing well and I had to answer him honestly and say that no, I wasn't. We talked about that for a bit and about what the reason was and he understood it quickly enough. He said that people shouldn't expect me to run when I'm doing a fine job walking and to be proud of the fact that I walk so well. I can only agree with him. I can run in the future when walking has become the most normal and natural thing and I've stopped falling down.

Sitting and being alone by myself has become a chore now. I no longer enjoy the silence and the solitude and try to avoid them at all cost. I try to keep myself busy, but am hard pressed for ways to do it. In a little while, I'm going to do some jobs. Really things that the domestic help should do, but I need to do some things myself. I'm even thinking about ironing, that's how bad things have gotten. It's not a frivolous chore I take on. I'm also going to change the sheets on my bed again. For luxury reasons.

I feel like listening to music and I think that I will go to Deezer and put together a play list or listen to the latest hits there. This is in an attempt to keep my mind occupied and to not dwell on other unnecessary things. The possible subjects that pop up into my head now are very negatively loaded and I'd rather not be confronted with them. They are a waste of time to think about, but I'm almost compelled to. It's a neurosis. I'm like Woody Allen in one of his movies, but maybe he's like that in real life too.

My high tops were just delivered and I will have to try them on in a while and see how comfortable they are. I'm looking forward to wearing them. I've been wearing sandals, but I don't like them very much, because little pieces of dirt and twigs get stuck between my feet and the soles of them. That's the drawback of open shoes. Sandals are funny kind of shoes anyway the way they expose your naked toes.

I can now walk Tyke and maybe that's a good idea for me to go and do. We can go for a longer walk and enjoy the dry weather. It hasn't rained all day, although it is overcast. I don't have to stay home and wait for that package anymore. I'm sure that Tyke will enjoy the exercise and it will be good for me to get out of the apartment. I mustn't turn in to a hermit.

Right, off I go into the wild blue yonder.

Ciao,
Nora

Music to write by.

The Exfactor came and looked at my speaker problem and realized immediately that I needed a power cable to make them work, which is something that I had suspected also, but I did not know what it looked like or where to plug it in. The problem was solved almost right away, though we had some problem finding the right place to plug the cable into, but we managed that in the end too, and voilá, music! Ella Fitzgeralds lovely voice came pouring out of the speakers. I knew the Exfactor would solve my problem and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot from him.

In my spare time I've been adding to my playlist of popular music with such people as Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash and Sammy Davis Jr and Elvis Presley (all of his old stuff). See, I was born in the wrong era. This time I have no modern music. Oh, and I have Buddy Holly too. I'm just going to pretend it's sometime in the fifties and early sixties and that I was a grown up then who hung out in cocktail bars and smoked cigarettes from a long elegant cigarette holder and who men bought interesting cocktails for. I probably never would have gotten into the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Not that I ever did, really. I liked classical music.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he was genuinely pleased for me that things were going so well. I sat there quite perky and alert and I don't think he has ever seen me like that. Usually I was this slow and morose woman who was very serious. I wasn't being frivolous now, but much more light hearted and uncomplicated. I'm feeling so much better now and he said that I should feel the complete effect of the Welbutrin in another 2 weeks, so I've got something to look forward to.

I'm going to start reducing the rest of my old medication next week with little increments at the time, so that I will not have any problems with it. I shouldn't have withdrawal problems, but really, after that enormous reduction I did at the beginning and the one day of enormous withdrawal symptoms I had from that, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Nothing will ever be as bad as that, and it only lasted for one day. I'm assuming a lot, aren't I? I'm either very optimistic or very naive. I'll just assume the best case scenario.

I had a cup of coffee there, but it must have been a very weak one, because I'm yawning something awful and will be forced to make my own cup. That will bring the total up to 4 cups for today, which is not too bad. It is within reason. I like the fact that I'm tired, because I'll go to bed early tonight and fall asleep quickly and hopefully sleep late in the morning. Sleep is a many splendored thing. You can guess who I'm listening to now, can't you? Music used to be overly romantic. It was not at all good for people. It gave them the completely wrong idea about love. Especially those of us who were very impressionable. Ahum!

There, I just took Tyke for a walk and it wasn't even cold out, 13C. That feels like warm weather to us. Tomorrow it's going to be very warm, 19C. Can you believe it? It's fine, as long as I get to keep wearing my cowboy boots. I'll wear them even if the sparrows fall from the roof because of the heat, as the saying goes.

Today, in the waiting room, I saw a woman who used to be in my therapy classes with me and I was so glad to see her, because I really liked her a lot. Now I have to find her email address that I have around here somewhere, because we only had a short time to talk. It was so nice to see her friendly face and I realized how much I had missed seeing her. We used to have intense conversations during the coffee breaks. She reads this blog off and on, so I hope she leaves me a comment so I can contact her.

Well, okay people, that's all my rambling for right now. You probably won't hear from me again tonight, because I'll go to sleep early, in my clean apartment, in my clean bed, with squeeky clean hair.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Tuesday morning.

It's really sad when you can't think of a better title for your blog post than that one, but that's all I can come up with for right now. I've just made my second cup of coffee and I'm hoping it will stimulate my brain into better action. I've been up for more than two hours, so I do expect some productivity, but the going is slow, although I have had 6.5 hours of sleep and that should be enough.

I managed to add another hour after I let Tyke out back to do his business, and Tyke did look quite bewildered when I got back into bed. He thought it was time to play and eat and do other interesting things, like kill his monkey that he already pulled one eye off. I'm always going to buy him stuffed animals and sturdy ones that were made for little kids and that are hard to pull apart. We were just playing with it and I was pretending it was my monkey and he became quite possessive of it and started to growl while his tail was wagging, because he thought it was wonderful that we were having a tug of war. He's lying on top of it now, so I won't be able to get to it. I'll leave him in that illusion. He does need to think that he can win from me sometimes, especially when it is about his toys and not about sponges stolen from a bucket.

Well, the second cup of coffee has sufficiently woken me up and I can function now, or maybe it was playing with Tyke that did it. I've taken another menopausal tablet, but it's too early to say anything sensible about it. I'll let you know in a week how it is working. I have them lying on the dining table, so I won't forget to take them. I don't want to take them with my other medicines, in case they interfere, but they are all natural ingredients, so it should be okay. I don't know, you always make these assumptions about things and you easily can be wrong, like I was about the vitamins and minerals capsules.

I've just realized that I haven't bought any French cheeses for a while and that I should really do that again. I like the Brie and the Camembert and I should buy a small supply of them. They keep well in the refrigerator and I can eat a little bit at the time. It doesn't take much to fill me after all. They are a good food source and speaking of that, I keep forgetting about the eggs that I've bought and need to eat. I need to put them in a different place in the refrigerator so I won't overlook them. Anything on the top shelf gets forgotten. I better start making a habit out of eating a scrambled egg on a regular basis. I will make one as soon as I've finished this.

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to get here so he can solve the mystery of the computer speakers. I hope he has the answer for them, because I really want to listen to music. After a silent winter, I am ready for some pleasant noise and my choice has fallen on Jazz. That's what I'm in the mood for and I've made a playlist with "Porgy and Bess" on it as interpreted by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. I've also got Sarah Vaughn and I can't wait to hear her sing "Summertime." I've got Ellington and Monk and Howlin' Wolf, although I don't know if he is strictly Jazz, I think he is more of the Blues. If anybody has any suggestions, then please let me know. I've put Nat King Cole under popular music, I don't know if by rights his music is Jazz. Any opinions on that?

Well, I've got to see a man about a horse as they say, but to me that could mean anything. I think it's a handy expression, although I think it's commonly used only by men. There must be a reason for that. Somebody will have to explain it to me.

Have a good day you all!

Ciao,
Nora

A super Monday...

My domestic help just left and she did a super job cleaning the bathroom and the doors and the wood work and mopping the floors. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I gave her several options and she went straight to work. It was a completely different experience from last time when I didn't feel that I was in charge at all. So, I really want this girl to come back.

You all thought I was doing chores out of my own free will before she came over to make the apartment look good, but that is not the case. I had a list of things that I was supposed to take care of and I had not done a thing all week, so I thought I had better get busy on it. I should have been dusting and sweeping all week, but I didn't see the sense in that and it seemed like a waste of time. Before the domestic help came over I was supposed to dust and vacuum and mop the floors, and clean the toilet and wash basin.

Well, I dusted the livingroom and vacuumed my bedroom and the area rug, but Tyke gets very hyper and barks non stop when you vacuum and that's not pleasant for the neighbors. So I swept the rest of the apartment, but I refused to mop the floors. I sort of cleaned the toilet and the wash basin was okay. I was going to clean the door that the Exfactor got out of the shed, but never got around to it, and the girl ended up doing it for me today, which I thought was very nice of her.

I did figure that I did enough of my share of the work and busied myself with other things while she was here. So called administrative work and phone calls. I made it look all very important, and some of it really was, because I have decided to start the therapy classes at the location downtown and have to have an intake for that and I called to make an appointment for it. My contact person there was very happy to hear it and I feel full of p**s and vinegar and courage, and I've only had two cups of coffee so far.

I slept 11 hours last night, I went to sleep at 8 pm, because I was completely beat and sat here as a sad little sparrow behind the computer, and I woke up at 7 o'clock this morning. I thought that was enough sleep and got up, though maybe I could have slept more. Tyke decided it was time to get up and I did have to take my medicines. I only sat here slightly comatose, not as bad as it has been at other times, and I was functioning pretty quickly. At least within a half an hour. I allow myself to be completely confused for the first 30 minutes. I try to function, but I know it's useless. After a long sleep, my brain needs more time for reconstruction. I guess it takes the neurons a little while longer to find the pathways.

My sister did some groceries for me while the help was here. We couldn't go together, because she had other obligations later this afternoon. She picks up groceries for me and doesn't want to get paid for them, so I keep them to the bare minimum and only ask for a few things. I'm still trying to find out what her bank account number is, so I can transfer some money to it, but she won't tell me.

She's so generous and I have Nutella again, but I have to tell you, over all I feel better if I don't eat, or eat very little. Food does not make me happy. I only eat a little because I get hungry, but that's it. A few bites and that's enough. I don't indulge and I have no desire to. It's almost as if food is a mind altering substance and I like how I feel without it.

While the domestic help was here, Tyke was stealing the sponges out of her bucket and tearing them to pieces under the dining table. We only caught on to what he was doing when he walked into the living room with the third dripping wet sponge in his mouth. I was on the phone and had not noticed it, but I looked under the table and there were a hundred pieces of sponge lying there, and Tyke had that innocent "Who me?" look on his face. He was very disgusted that we had caught on to him and tried it a few more times, until I managed to distract him with a rawhide stick. He sure does like the domestic help, though, and follows them wherever they go and tries to steal their supplies, because he tries to get their cleaning rags too, but he finds everything they do interesting.

The windows haven't been cleaned yet and the sun is shining brightly through them. Oh, what a wonderful sight. It makes me almost want to do them myself, except that I am notoriously bad at cleaning windows. I could do the ones in the back, though, because the sun never shines on them and nobody would see if they were done well or not. The problem is that I would also have to do the woodwork and I'm less enthused about that. That's such finicky work. I will have to give this some thought and see if I can come to my senses.

Oh, it's completely later in the evening now and I got completely side tracked, because I wanted some music, but I had to get my speakers to work and they didn't, no matter what I tried, so I switched speakers, but I couldn't get them to work either, but never mind, I decided to go to Deezer anyway and start a new playlist for Jazz and got completely wrapped up in that, so I forgot all about the time and my surroundings. I was like a little fanatic woman going after as many jazz performers as I could think off and I will have the Exfactor look at the speakers tomorrow and see if he can make any sense of them. I realy have no idea what I am doing wrong, unless there is a cable missing that I am also supposed to plug in, though I have no idea where that cable would go. I am stumped and in need of expertise.

I'm sitting here quite cozily by the light of the desk lamp without a cup of coffee, so that brings my total to 3 today. Not bad, eh? From all the excitement of hanging out at Deezer and looking up artists, I have become so worked up that I am not in the least tired now and I need to find a way to slow down. I do want to have another good sleep like I had last night, but I guess you can't always expect repeat performances. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed, but I will put on my pajamas and pretend I'm very sleepy. Oh, I forgot, I have to walk Tyke still. I better do that before I put my pajamas on. I would look kind of strange if I went out there in my bathrobe.

I'm in a very good mood and feel invinceable, without a spell check it is hard to figure out if I wrote that right, but I'll assume that you know what I mean. I feel like doing great deeds and that I ought to do them now and not waste any time and now the act of sleeping seems like a waste of time. I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I can't lie about the amount of sleep I had, so I better make sure I get to bed at one point. I have to be so darn honest all the time. I can't tell any white lies for the sake of my own bestwill as I see fit. I feel like today the medicine really kicked in and started too work and tomorrow it will be two weeks since I started on it. No, actually, I took my first pill on a Monday evening, I think. Yes, I'm sure of it. Without psychiatric approval.

I have lost 4.5 kg. I wasn't going to get on the scale all the time, but now I find myself curious regularly and I do. I try not to make a daily habit of it and when I forget and have had a cup of coffee, I don't weigh myself. I have to do it first thing when I get up out of bed or not at all. Luckily, very often I forget. Otherwise it would become an obsession and I don't want it to be, because I eat what I eat and that has nothing to do with how much I weigh. I'm not going to count glasses of milk.

I just got natural capsules for the menopause in the mail that I had ordered on line and I just took the first one and I'm very curious to see if they will help me. They are recommended for women between 43 and 63 years of age. The big question is if they will interfere with my medications, that is always the risk I take. I will find out soon enough. I want to try them because I want to find out if they will help me with my night sweats and having to go to the bathroon every night. It says it will help that. Well, we'll see. Maybe these will be good and they will actually do their job, they are from a reputable firm, so I expect results. If I start to act funny, you know it will be why.

It's getting late now and I really do need to go walk my poor dog. I have given him a stuffed monekey to play with and it is a great success, except that now I keep thinkin, "What is that dead animals lying on the floor?"

I could go on talking at you guys forever, but I'll call a halt to it and spare you your patience. I have so much to say and nobody to say it to. Darn it!

Have a good night, you people!

Ciao,
Nora.

I'm crazy, but I'm not afraid...

That's the title of a song I'm listening to, so don't get any ideas. I'm plenty scared and not half as crazy as I think I am, so it's only partly true.

I just, after much dawdling, checked my bank account balance and much to my surprise, I had at least twice the amount of money that I thought I would have, which is such a relief, you have no idea. It is like I just got a present that I was not expecting. I checked and made sure that all the bills have been paid and yes, everything seems to be okay, so that's good then. I dawdled, because usually there is less money there than I want there to be and I worry about making it to the next payday, which is a week from today. It means I can go to the post office and mail those packages without worrying about how much it will cost.

I went back to bed this morning and slept a few more hours after which I drank a cup of coffee while extensively petting the dog and then walking him. It's only -1C and cloudy, but the sun is supposed to be out every now and then. Still, it's not warm enough for the snow to melt, but it may be tomorrow when we are expecting rain or snow, depending on what the actual temperature is going to be. We won't ask what I would like for it to be, because that's unrealistic and it won't happen. Needless to say, I want it to be warmer and for all the snow to melt. I've had enough of it. It's been fun, but I want to see the street and the sidewalk again.

I've got a terrible hairdo from alternately sleeping on my hair and wearing my snow hat, I can't be seen out in public without it on, because my hair is sticking up in three different directions. It totally doesn't faze me as long as nobody is around to look at it. I sit here in the privacy of my apartment with sticking up hair and every once in a while I run my hands through it in an attempt to tame it. Sleeping on my right side doesn't help, because it shoves all my hair upwards on that side of my head. A good rain shower would help now and maybe it would bring out the natural curls. Ha, just kidding. I have as much natural curl as a pack of spaghetti. I will stick my head under the bathroom faucet and try to get my hair to lie flat again. Either that or apply wax and hairspray. Water may be better, though. Once you put wax and hairspray in your hair, it gets sticky and you have an even harder time controlling it the next day. You look like a yak caught in a snowstorm.

I've been wearing the same gray cardigan for as long as there is snow now. It's the one item of clothing that's keeping me very warm. As soon as the snow melts, it's going in the laundry, but until that time I'm continuing wearing it. There's usually an item of clothing that I really get attached to and this cardigan is one of them. It's made of wool, partially, and it's very comfortable. It covers my big rear end and it matches whatever I'm wearing. I can change all my clothes and still wear this cardigan over them and I can wear any of my scarves with it.

Speaking of scarves, I would like to buy another one, but that involves going to the clothing store and that is something I'm not quite up to, which is a darn shame. I'm missing out on opportunities with this agoraphobia that is keeping me so close to home and so limited in my movements. I will be glad when it's gone and I can move about again. I would like to go to the little shopping center that's not too far from here and poke around in a few shops for some odds and ends that I need. It's very frustrating not to be able to do that.

Instead of going out, I'm doing a lot more reading. I've finished "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Walls and "The Blue Afternoon" by William Boyd. I just finished a collection of short stories by Alice Adams and I started a novel by her yesterday called "Superior Women." I definitely feel the need to read and can't get enough of it, but the problem is that I fall asleep quickly with a book, no matter how exciting it is. It's the serenity and the silence that do it and the fact that I just seem to need a lot of sleep. But the books are great and I'm enjoying them very much. I am kind of reading them randomly and choose whatever I feel in the mood for at the moment. Sometimes I let the title help me decide and sometimes the name of the author, it all depends. A good title will awaken my curiosity, like "Beachcombing For A Shipwrecked God." That sounded very good and it was a good book. I'll look for novels by Joe Coomer again. "The Blue Afternoon" was very good also, that's one of those novels that you think about later on and remember passages of.

I just got the mail and I have 4 new mooched books to add to my collection. They all look very interesting and they are novels I really wanted and I'm lucky I got them, and here they all were in one fell swoop too. I must make room for them on the bookcase, because they deserve a place of honor. I don't have any of these authors yet, but I'm very excited about having them. Dorothea Benton Frank, Clare Boylan, Kaye Gibbons and Carol Goodman. And that's the only mail I got too. No bills! Isn't that nice? A woman on her own deserves a break now and then and I seem to be getting mine today. I'm very pleased.

I just took the dog out for a walk, because he was looking at me with those eyes from about a foot away. Those Bambi eyes. It turned out he didn't have to do anything urgent, he just wanted a stroll around the neighborhood. I can't blame him. He wants to sniff in all the familiar places and explore some of the less familiar ones and see if there is anything edible underneath the snow, which I then have to keep him from devouring. He has less than discriminating tastes and I don't know what will quickly disappear in his mouth once he's found something. I have to pull him away from anything that looks suspicious as fast as possible and he does know how to throw his weight into it. He's a strong dog for an old man.

Well, I'm going to read for a while. The afternoon is drawing to an end and soon it will be dark. It still have to move that lamp to the armchair so I can sit there and read. I hope sitting there will prevent me from falling asleep, as opposed to hanging out on the sofa.

Have a good evening, or whatever time of day it is over at yours.

Ciao,
Nora

Music to write by...

I woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat and decided to get up to cool off. I sleep on top of a towel, so all I have to do is change the towel and put on a different T-shirt, but it's been nice to sit here and feel my body cool off. I've got the thermostat set at 19C, so it's perfect in here. I haven't gotten cold yet and I'm sitting here in my T-shirt and leggings and nothing else, but sooner or later, after I've sufficiently cooled off, I will have to put my bathrobe and slippers on.

In the meantime, I'm drinking coffee, which you'll all agree is not very conducive to nighttime rest, but then I am not a seeker thereof. All I want to do right now is enjoy my time here all alone in the middle of the night behind the computer by the light of my desk lamp. I'm listening to music on Deezer and wishing I could turn it up a little bit louder, but I can't because the neighbors are asleep. I really need a pair of headphones. I'll put that on my list of wishes that is of yet unwritten. I should really start writing these things down, don't you think? They could make possible birthday presents, since that's the only time of the year I'm allowed to indulge in such wishful thinking.

Well, never mind. It is possible for me to buy those things for myself. I certainly don't have to wait for someone to buy them for me. I will go to Mediamarkt and find out what those things cost, after I get over my agoraphobia. I also need to buy a new cartridge for my printer, the one I have has only been printing red for the longest time. If I want to print anything decent, it's about time I have a new cartridge, because I do have some plans with it. I want to try printing on different kinds of paper and see what kind of results that gives me. If anybody has any experience with this, please let me know.

Now I'm cold and Ive had to put my bathrobe and slippers on and turn the heater up, but I've been sitting here for a long time. As is usual, it's taking me forever to write this post, because I'm continually distracted by my own thoughts. Those are all the things that go through my head that I don't write down and maybe I should, but they are very private. It's my inner world that I don't share with anybody, really. We all have that, don't we? Our most private self that nobody else knows about?

Now I think I will go to bed again. I will eat some breakfast and take my medicines and get nice and comfortable under the duvet with as many clothes on as I can stand. I may even wear socks.

Have a good morning! Hope the sun shines for you.

Ciao,
Nora

Do as I say, not as I do.

I woke up early and couldn't sleep anymore. I felt I had to write another post to offset the one I had written last night that was so bitter and gloomy. Things always look different in the morning, right? So here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes to make a new start and to toss some optimism your way. Today we are seeing the glass half full and not half empty like we did last night.

First we put on some nice music to get in the proper mood, which needs to be mellow,and it is quickly found here. Then we sit up straight in our chair and with our back straight and our feet crossed at the ankles and a perky look on our face we proceed.

You see how I talk about myself as the royal "we," as if things have gone to my head and I have formed an attitude. Maybe people should speak about themselves in that way every so often to give a little boost to their self esteem. It's nice to think of yourself as a multitude instead of just one single person with one little voice that gets outshouted in the masses. I will definitely go through life as a "we" in the apartment today, if not in the outside world. It may be harder to pull off there, although I can secretly think it. Alas, lines at the post office will not suddenly shorten because I stand in it.

When you are a "we," you speak with authority and with a certain disdain for what other lesser mortals think. You feel yourself lifted above the masses and look down with pity and disregard on the rest of manhood. Suddenly you are not one of "them" anymore. You may not even be mortal any longer, but who is going to try and test that theory?

So I (as in "we") have decided that I am more than worthy of any love anyone choses to bestow on me and that I should never doubt the sincerity of it. It is ridiculous to think that I would deserve anything less, being of elevated stature and nature and understanding of the meaning of the word in all its nuances. I know the limits of human ability to apply it and I know also the human ability to rise to the occasion and reach greater heights in it if that is called for.

Therefor I will wait patiently, which I can afford as a royal "we," and wait and see whatever the day choses to bring me to judge my decisions on. I will be as wise as Solomon. I will be patient and mindful and merciful in my judgments and not shout hastily for the death penalty for love. I will weigh each decision on a golden balance. I will be fair.

So, now then, I am taking "us" back to bed to sleep some more and to feel quite cozy under the duvet. I'm sure to be up and about and alert when I need to be.

Ciao,
Nora

Another Depression?

I'd been putting off calling my psychiatrist, but finally went ahead and did it anyway, because I felt myself falling in the clutches of another depression. I was apathetically sitting on the sofa, smoking cigarettes, looking at a cup of cold coffee, and thinking about all the things I needed to get done, knowing I wasn't able to do them. Whatever energy and interest I needed to get them done, wasn't there and I knew I wasn't going to find them. I felt like a brain dead sack of potatoes and not the least bit of a glimmer of excitement shone through anywhere. My thoughts were morbid and dark and everything cost me enormous amounts of effort. Making a new cup of coffee was too much work.

I called my psychiatrist to confer with him about what to do next, which was the smartest move I made today, besides going back to bed early this morning and sleeping a few more hours. I explained my situation to him and I said that I realized that it was normal to be tired after a mania, but that now I was slipping into a depression. He listened to me explain my symptoms and agreed. Then he asked me what I thought was the wisest thing to do and I answered that we should lower my antipsychotic medication and my Oxazepam and he said that he agreed with that completely. The antipsychotic medication prevents you from becoming manic, but once that's over, it has a tendency to depress your mood and make you morose and the same thing counts for the Oxazepam. He said to lower the antipsychotic medication first and see how I felt then and to then start lowering the Oxazepam a little bit at the time. It means I will start taking the antipsychotic medication at night again when it will help me sleep, instead of three times during the day.

This gives me some amount of hope, although I don't know how I will do on a lower dose of medication. If it will make me not depressed, I will be very happy about that, because the kind of shape I'm in now is not okay. The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I was not able to have a normal conversation with him, it was too much work and it was rather awkward, because it looked like I was not happy to see him and that was not at all the impression I wanted to give. My brain was not functioning to the point that it could carry on an animated conversation and I sat there like a deaf and dumb person who had nothing to say that was of any interest. I will call him in a while and explain what the problem was.

In the meantime, to get some life back into myself, I am listening to this singer and I hope her happy music will penetrate my dull skull and bring some animation in it. I've also found the strength to make myself a cup of coffee, so thank goodness for small favors.

I need my energy today, because I've got to write some Christmas cards and I have to wrap up books that I will have to send out tomorrow or Monday, depending on when I have my money. I've got to do groceries and have been trying to get a hold of my sister to find out when she is going shopping with her car so I can go with her. I've also got to give her her birthday present which finally arrived in the mail. I have to buy three books of stamps. One for inside the country, one for inside Europe and one for overseas. Is this boggling your mind? You can't just stick any old stamp on an envelope. Or a combination of.

I've got to walk the dog. The snow is almost all gone, but right now it's freezing again. The dog may not want to go out, it's nice and warm in here. We have to go brave the elements, though. We're just like the mailman, neither rain nor snow...

I think maybe I'm going to be okay in the end. I hope lowering the medication works and that it doesn't work too well. As in, "Hi, here I am manic again!" I will be the last to know. I'll blame it on my vitamins again.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed at 10 pm and found myself awake again at 2:30 am. There was nothing to do but to get up and make myself a cup of coffee and turn on the computer and enjoy the extremely wee hours of the early morning. There is still snow outside, but it doesn't look as if more fell since last night, leaving us with a thin powdery layer that right now is getting frozen at -4C. I do so like being up at this hour of the night and try to think of all sorts of things I could do now that I'm up and feeling well, besides writing this post and reading the blogs that I'm behind on. There are still the floors to mop...

It's too bad that I can't change the living room around anymore. I've done all I can do there. There's not a piece of furniture that needs moving, nor a picture that needs rehanging. From this point forward it is only cleaning that I have left to do and that, of course, is much less fun. I'm waiting for a burst of energy to come along and make me grab a bucket of suds and get to scrubbing. I've just made myself a second cup of coffee, so with a little bit of luck my burst of energy will come soon. Caffeine induced energy. I'll take it anyway it comes. A little bit of it will be of my own.

I'm almost done with 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' and it's turned out to be a surprisingly good novel and quite adventurous even at the end. I have a few pages left to read, but fell asleep last night with it. Then comes the big choice of what to read next, because I have so many books to pick from. I got two in the mail yesterday and they look good too. There are some novels I'm unable to get and it's frustrating me to no end. People who only send inside their own country have them and that's a lost cause. You can't even approach them. Bookmooch is very strict about that. There's no way to finagle your way into their hearts.

Well, it's slowly turning into morning, because I'm sitting here poking around as usual. Paying attention to everything around me as I try to write this. I'm also listening to music, which is slightly distracting me, as I've never heard this singer before. Or band, I suppose it is. I like weird music, but it can be a little too weird sometimes and then I just sit spellbound listening to it. I always imagine being young and being the lead singer in a band myself and what kind of music I would like it to be and I'm sure I would not like it to be middle of the road music. It would have to be slightly odd and unique.

I wonder how sleep inducing it is to write a blog post and how sleep inducing it is to read one or many of them. They are such very passive activities, aren't they? You use such few muscles and your brain doesn't get overly involved either, unless you're writing a masterpiece. We all know I'm not writing one of those today. I'm just chit chatting. Making noise on the screen. I have to go off and find a passionate activity to do, such as mopping the floors...

I'm just a little bit cold sitting here and I may turn up the heater just a notch. On the other hand, if I'm going to be physically active, I won't need to. I'm awfully hungry too and may eat breakfast early. I just hope it won't make me groggy.

Alright, I'm off to find my bucket. I saw it last in the bathroom, so that's where I'm headed.

I hope you all have a wonderful morning when you wake up and that you will be full of good cheer.

Ciao,
Nora

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

As I was saying...

I was so rudely interrupted by myself and my sudden need for sleep that I didn't even get to write a decent post. I never write such little bitty things as that! Jeez, it's almost something to be embarrassed about. I went to bed and slept another 5 hours and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. I felt well rested and like a whole new woman. I was ready to tackle the world again, which is no wonder if you've slept so little in the past two days and you're finally caught up again.

I can admit to myself now, and see it clearly, that I was manic, and here I thought for sure that it was because of the vitamin pills that I felt so well. I was convinced of that. I think I've gotten over it now, but I still have that happy feeling and if I don't, I'll just go to sleep until I have it back again. I'm playing my music as I type this and as long as I want to listen to music, all is well with the world. I'm listening to dEUS. The best Belgian Rock Group. Yes, they do have those in Belgium, besides having very good beer of which Palm is one of the best. You heard it here first.

My SPN called me to remind me of our appointment and I said I couldn't come because I was manic and that I was asleep finally.That took her aback, because the last time she talked to me I was deeply depressed. She asked me how much antipsychotic medication I took and when I told her she said that we couldn't increase it, which I already knew. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was sleep. I told her that I was seeing my psychiatrist next week, which is good, because she is going on holidays herself now until after New Year's. I hope I'm not going to be like a bouncy ball, up and down. That would be horrible. I hope this was just a big low followed by a big high and that is it. I hope I'm evened out now. I still feel like undertaking things, but in a much slower pace.

My friend Lucienne called me a while ago and sounded very down. I wanted to give her some of my energy, but I am unable to. I can't get her motivated to undertake things and get herself up out of the blues. She has no hobbies except shopping. Which I don't do, of course. I wish!

I have to buy myself a new diary for 2010. I'm already making appointments for that year, but I have no new calender yet. I don't know if I want a calender or a diary. Both have their good points. When I go to buy those new glasses, I will see what they have in that store and make up my mind there. I think I will go for a diary. It's easier to leaf through the weeks and months ahead. I very much liked the one I had last year, but it was sent to me by mistake and was meant for someone who used to live here. I thought that was a fortunate circumstance. Apparently they are not making that mistake this year. Darn!

I have to go and paint now. And then hang up the laundry and clean up my bedroom. These are all incredibly fun jobs which I.m looking forward to very much. Right, and my sister is the Queen of the Netherlands. Maybe I ought to take another nap instead. I'm yawning, so by rights I could.

Have a great day. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That leaves you with a lot of choices.

Ciao,
Nora

It never did...

Well, it never did turn into time to go to bed and I have been busy all night. It turned out that the cable that was so long in the kitchen closet, and that was attached to the modem, was the cable that was attached to the computer, which meant that there was enough cable there for me to move the computer across the living room to the corner where the black and white chair was standing. This was perfect, so I started taking things off the computer desk so I could move it and I unplugged it from the wall. I had to unplug the sound system, but I could leave the rest of the cables plugged in and moved the whole desk with the computer on it. It wasn't heavy and I easily slid it across the room. Once there, I installed the sound system again and plugged the computer in and checked that everything worked and it did. I was so proud of myself. I do have to tuck the cable into the baseboards, but I'll have to do some hammering for that and I obviously can't do that now.

I moved the black and white chair to were the computer desk used to be and put a painted wooden crate next to it with a plant on top and an astray from Italy beside it. I'll have to get a proper little table for there, but this will do for now. Now the sitting area is completely done, except for the different colored blinds I want to get, but there's no rush. I will all happen in it's own sweet time. The computer desk is right beside a radiator and just tonight it got so cold outside that the heater came on and it got toasty warm in this corner, so that was very pleasant.

The sound system is working and I'm listening to Feist. I was listening to Linkin' Park earlier. It gets me in the right mood. Hell, anything is bound to get me in the right mood now. I don't know what is wrong with me and where all this energy is coming from, but it's great. I remember having this much energy twenty years ago, but not recently. I feel like a young chick. I was joking about the fact that those vitamin pills were working awfully fast, seeing as though I've only had two of them so far, but I feel like Popeye who's eaten a can of spinach. I even have muscles in my brain.

In a little while I'm going to clean up the kitchen, which is a job that has been waiting for me for a while now and I've been putting it off. I didn't have the courage to get it done and now it seems like it is nothing at all and I'll have it done in a jiffy.

Massive Attack is on now, am I in the mood for that? I must see if there is something better. Ha, now I'm listening to Björk. That's the right kind of music for an early autumn morning.

The cats are keeping me company, but the dog has retreated to the bedroom to sleep on his pillow. He doesn't like these all nighters. He appreciates his sleep. This will give me a chance to put an extra blanket under the blanket that he sleeps on in the living room. I want to make it as comfortable as possible for him. I don't want him to get sore elbows. God forbid.

If you sit in other places in your living room, where you normally don't sit, you notice new dust. It is very irritating, because you realize you're even sloppier than you thought you were. I must make a bucket of suds and clean the radiators. Oh joy, that's just the kind of job I was looking forward to. Radiators were designed by men who didn't think of what dust traps they would be for housewives.

Okay, now I've got to clean up the kitchen. Enough of these shenanigans. It's like all I do is sit here and send out missives. As if I don't have other things to do.

Have a wonderful day today.

Ciao,
Nora

I sang the blues.

I had the blues all weekend and basically did nothing much but take naps on the sofa. I had the computer turned off for long periods of time and fell asleep on the sofa continually watching sports, either football or speed skating. Every once in a while there was a program on that caught my attention and for which I managed to stay awake, but mostly I slept and when I say I had the blues, I mean I really didn't feel like doing anything at all. I even thought about giving up blogging. My own mind was trying to trick me into thinking that nothing I did had any value at all and that I might as well quit doing anything and just play dead.

I never write that I'm having the blues while I'm having them, because it would mean that I'm giving into them and I don't want to do that, so yesterday I was incapable of writing a post. I would have written one lament after the other and it would have been a very depressing piece of writing. Yesterday, I decided, was a lost day and I don't mourn for it one bit. Apparently I needed a large time out of doing absolutely nothing and I wasted almost every minute of it. I did a few useful things such as walk the dog and put out the trash, but that is about it.

I am very busy while I sleep at night. I have the most interesting dreams in which I work out all sorts of issues from my past having to do with all sorts of people that belong there.They are not bad dreams, but like whole movies that take place in my head and very intricate and I'm sorry when I wake up and the dream stops. I try to go back to sleep and land in the dream where I left off. I'm constantly redeemed in my dreams and very happy and I'm always setting things right and making pleasant discoveries and all the symbolism is clear to me. I feel very lucky when I dream like this and it makes going to sleep a pleasure.

Now, however, it is Monday morning and time to get into the regular rhythm of life again. I have creative therapy this morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN this afternoon. For creative therapy, I think I will get the painting that I'm working on on Wednesdays and work on it today, otherwise I will not get it done on time. I will start a smaller project on Wednesdays and work on the painting on Mondays and Fridays. All the classes stop on December the 1st or thereabouts. It's a shame, but that's the way it is. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Upper management decides these things. It's a terrible thing when management, instead of health carers, decides the course of things for patients.

My dog is so sweet, the way he is lying at my feet, so innocent in his sleep. It makes your heart melt just to look at him. I can get so sentimental about him. Thank goodness that I allow myself to get sentimental about something. I so very rarely do nowadays. That's why, when you live alone, you need an animal in your life. It's really good for those stray feelings of love and affection and it's good to be responsible for something beside yourself.

Lately I've been listening to music again. I've been using the Real Player on which I have stored all of my own music. It's handy, because I just play whatever music I'm in the mood for and I have all kinds. I also have music that I loaned from the library, so I have extra choice. I have good speakers to go with the computer so it really is a pleasure to listen to it. I must say, that when it comes to material things, I came through the divorce well, because I got to keep almost everything and what I didn't, I don't miss. In the meantime, The Exfactor has managed to replace all the items he left behind and then some. I would have really missed the computer if I hadn't been able to keep it and the Exfactor has a laptop and a PC now.

I was very lucky in that we had just refurbished the living room and everything was new or repainted and when I imagine that while we were doing this the Exfactor was having an affair, I have to laugh, because that explains the reason why he was so co-operative. If I hadn't been so naive I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well, water under the bridge now. In the end I did and that's the most important thing. I did get a nice living room and that is important to me. I mustn't think about it being left undone and having to fix it up all by myself. Horrors!

I remember when the Exfactor officially left and I walked through the apartment and touched everything and said to myself, "This is mine now, all mine." It was especially important to get my own name on the mailbox and I'll never forget the day that it was. Those were very special moments. It was my emancipation and for the first time in my life I was really free. I do have the Exfactor and his affair to thank for that. He did me no small favor. For as badly shaken up as I was at first, I sure took it well when it came down to divorcing him. That was one of the best things I ever did. The liberation of me. And I got to keep the dog too!

Well, it's time to get the day started. I have to feed the dog and walk him and do numerous other things. At least the blues are gone now.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday evening.

I just walked the dog in watery, cold sunshine. The field was sopping wet from the rain we have had. The sidewalk is covered by yellow leaves and the gutters are full of them. Jesker likes to push his nose deep into the leaves and smell "god only knows what." As long as there's no bear trap hidden in it, I suppose I won't worry about it.

Toby had brought home the casing of a liverwurst and had hidden it under a cabinet. Of course, I forgot about it until Jesker found it and was planning on eating it. I had to stick my hand into his closely clenched mouth and try and get it out and he did not like it, I was stealing his found food! He growled at me dangerously, but I was not intimidated and got a hold of the casing and pulled it out. I do have to show him who's boss around here. He did look very disappointed when I threw it away, so I gave him a bone instead. After he finished eating it, he came over to me wagging his stumpy little tail to make sure we were still friends. Of course we were.

The Exfactor was here earlier and we had a long discussion about politics and music. We agree on the basic premises, but then part our ways, because the Exfactor is much more set in his ways than I am and is very much a black and white thinker, where as I move more into the gray areas and try to see the problems from both points of view. Although I definitely lean to the left sharply, the Exfactor leans to the left so sharply that he almost leans to the right again.

I am glad that I'm able to see the gray areas, because when I was married to him, and very much influenced by him, I didn't see the gray areas and very often felt myself driven into a corner when I had to voice an opinion. Now I can be more nuanced and give a different turn to what I state and leave room for another look at something that maybe I had not considered yet. I speak less in absolutes anymore and am less reactionary. The Exfactor is very reactionary and very convinced of himself and sticks to his principles even if that means that he has to disagree with himself.

It seems that our prime minister, who said he was not interested in the job of president of the European Union, has been strongly lobbying for the job all along, and the Exfactor was upset about that. He found that very disloyal and sneaky. I had to remind him that he doesn't even like our prime minister and would probably be glad to see the last of him, but he said it was a matter of principles. I said, "Let him get the job and let us have another prime minister," but then we got into a discussion about who that should be and we thought in horror of the possibilities. We're hoping that they'll choose a sensible woman and are keeping our fingers crossed.

Then we got into a discussion about music and the Exfactor mentioned that "nerve wrecking kind of jazz," and I was trying to figure out what kind he meant by that, because it sounded like the kind of jazz I like. I said that I didn't like "easy" jazz, but that I liked "complicated" jazz and if that was what he meant, and he said that he didn't like the kind in which they just made a lot of nervous sounding noise and beeps and bleeps and that he likes the jazz of the 60's, which I have to concede that I do also.

We talked about classical music, because he exclusively listens to a Belgian classical radio station and I asked him if they made any differentiation between the different kinds of classical music, because I don't like all classical music and you can't throw them into one pot just like that. I never did get a straight answer to that, but I get the feeling that he listens to anything, regardless of the style and era, as long as it's played by this station. I like baroque and opera choruses and especially anything by Johan Sebastian Bach or Mozart or Vivaldi. I don't care for most opera arias and romantic classical music. I find it too dramatic. I may be very conventional in my tastes, but I do have them and I'm very picky about them. I got the feeling that the Exfactor listened indiscriminately to anything that came under the header of classical music.

He started listening to this radio station when we were still together and sometimes he would listen to god awful music and I would ask him, "Do you really like that?" And he would concede that he didn't, but kept listening to it anyway.Needless to say, it was the favorite radio station of the woman he was having an affair with and who is now his girlfriend, so you see how easily he is influenced by the women in his life. Sometimes this radio station plays jazz and ethnic music and world music, which he all has to listen to, of course, so he is forced to undergo some different listening habits. I'm secretly having a lot of fun about this, because I can not imagine enduring music simply because someone I'm in love with listens to that station. Or having political opinions because the person I am with has certain attitudes that I have to share and I want them to love me so I agree with them.

I really, really like being my own person and having my own opinions about things and making up my own mind independently of anyone else. I draw my own conclusions and come to my own decisions without the interference of a person standing next to me declaring his point of view very loudly. Someone who is constantly commenting while you are trying to watch the news and trying to make up your own mind about what you hear and see. It's sheer liberation to be freed from that and to think in a liberated space where there is room for your own thoughts that otherwise would struggle to survive. I so very much do not believe in a "we as a couple believe this." I do believe in a free and independent believe system that's not influenced by others, but come about out of your own free will and independently gotten information.

Now, having said that, I believe the Exfactor is a really sweet person who always has the best intentions and wants to please people very much, and he always shows his best side to me, because isn't he always ready to help me, before I even ask for it? So, this isn't so much about the Exfactor, but about relationships in general and about how stifling they can be and how dis-empowering. There's always someone who very subtly or not so subtly, wants to press his world vision and life definition onto the relationship and have it be the only one that counts and the partner has to except it as his/her own.

No, being a solitary person is far preferable above being part of a 2 unit, confined and fabricated, dominated by one person, set of people.You have to be very mature and emotionally healthy to let the other person remain independent and wholesomely intact to be a successful and integral couple. I haven't seen enough proof of that to be a believer in it, but I'd be happy to be shown examples of it. I suppose you're all going to comment to me now that you and your partner are the exception to the rule, but I will be full of doubt. You will know best yourself and won't need to prove it to me.

Oh God. I'm on my soapbox again, aren't I? Sometimes I just have to spout my opinions all over the place. I can be so full of myself, it's ridiculous, but I hope it gives you something amusing to read. You can totally disagree with me, of course, Your experience may be quite different than mine. I am biased, not having had one successful relationship. I think I'm not cut out for them, or not yet anyway. Possibly I have a lot of growing up to do and I'm running like a train. Maybe when I'm done growing up, I will be willing to accept another person into my life in a very lose relationship. It can't be the least bit suffocating. I will not suffer the ties that bind me.

Right, I'm climbing off my soapbox now and tucking it under my arm and marching off with it into the night. It seems like it is very late, but it isn't at all. Still, I'm going to get my pajamas on and get cozy. There are always the sofa and the television to consider. A person can doze away there.

Have a good night or a good day, which ever one you want. It's a democracy, so you get to choose.

Ciao,
Nora

Carefully...

I'm trying to figure out why I didn't write a post last night. Was I really not interested in writing down anything at all? I can't believe I didn't. I'm usually such a chatty person on my blog. I normally don't let a chance go by without saying something, isn't that true? I always have something to declare and have an opinion on at least one thing. Strange, isn't it?

Well, it goes to show you that even someone who is as rusted solid into her habits as I am, can forget about them completely and do something different without giving it a second thought. As a matter of fact, I didn't have the computer on last night. I turned it off and watched television and went to bed early, although I have to tell you that I hardly remember what I watched. Oh yes, I do. I watched a three hour long interview with a Dutch orchestra director who was not at all an intellectual, but who just happened to be a very gifted violin player.

Actually, I didn't watch the whole three hours and only watched the first two or so, because I was disappointed in the man. I never heard someone who knew so little about music and life, and was so bad in expressing it as he did. I was expecting much more, but he may as well have been a third grade teacher. Not meaning to demean those good people, but you know what I mean, don't you? I was expecting far reaching insights into the music of Mahler, but there was nothing there. I was not enlightened.

So, I went to bed with the novel Sea Glass, which I had also read in the afternoon and I can now tell you that the short stories are about a returning cast of characters that lives within a certain geographic area and it wouldn't surprise if in the end they were to all meet. Two of the characters of the different stories have met already and I'm sure the rest will tumble into each other's arms too. Not that it is a romantic novel. It is a realistic novel about a certain era in not too distant American history, although this was not immediately clear to me. I was a bit confused about what era they all lived in, but it turns out they all live in the same. They just seem so different. Different lives, different circumstances...

Anyway, that was last night and I slept well and woke up early and turned on the computer for a while, because I had enough time for that. The hours flew by, though, and I took a shower and got dressed nicely and carefully, in order to look especially good for no reason at all, and walked the dog in the very pleasant fresh morning air. It's so nice to be out early and to breathe in the almost dew. It wasn't quite there anymore, because the sun had already been up for a while and the temperatures were already rising, but it was still cool enough to wear a jacket. I wore my toe slippers and had really hoped to walk on the dew on the grass, but there was none. There is a myth that dew makes your callouses disappear and that's what I wanted to try.

This morning at creative therapy I spent a lot of time painting my canvas drawing. I painted a second coat on everything and painted some things for the first time and drew one bush with berries in it. That's all the drawing I did. I was being careful about painting and I was trying not to get it in the wrong places or all over myself. Still, I managed to get it on my hands and arms and even some on my top, but just a minuscule amount that will wash out. I have more cat hair on my top than paint. How that happens, I don't know. I think it has to do with static electricity. I am negatively charged, maybe, and the hair zaps to me when I get near it.

When I got home, after testing all my gears on my bike (and the third gear is hard going), I walked the dog and ate lunch and then I finally hung up the laundry to dry and put in a new load. I also put away all the clothes that I had taken out of my closet during the proceeding week. I have a tendency sometimes to not do that right away, but to stack them all on top of the washing machine and wait for inspiration to strike me and hopefully put them away when the timing is just right. Such a moment arrived this afternoon.

So far, I've gotten thirteen books from Bookmooch and I am expecting more. I've sent seven and have to send nine more, but I am staggering those, so it won't cost me an arm and a leg. As soon as I send off the next batch, I'll get more points to mooch more books. When I've finished Sea Glass, I am reading The Secret Scripture. That I determined some time ago and I'm sticking with that decision, You know how I am. Once I make up my mind, I stay with it. I am a creature of my habits and rules. I don't know how I got so strict about some things with myself. It must be because I can be so lazy about other things. There has to be order in my chaos somewhere.

Jesker is very contently sleeping at my feet. He only ate a little bit of his food and was quite upset with me when I put it down, because that's not at all what he wanted, so I misunderstood him. I still don't know what he did want. He sure made a lot of noise. He was barking very loudly, now that he has discovered that he gets his point across very well that way, if not the meaning. The cats will eat the food instead, but that is not the purpose of the exercise and I have to put it away in the refrigerator. Jesker likes cold food. Maybe his taste buds are shot.

Well, I have to go and hang up the sheets outside on the clothing line. There's no rain expected as far as I know, so they will be dry in no time. I have to wash Jesker's blanket and apply some flea drops. It's that time of the month again. He's scratching, so I'm very suspicious. I also have to vacuum the bedroom, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day..."

Have a good day yourself.

Ciao...