On a quiet night...

I find myself in a relatively peaceful state of mind and will take the opportunity to share a bit of what has been going on around here with you. Not that an awful lot has, I spent most of my days in the pursuit of quiet activities. That is because I'm in the process of quitting the last little bit of my anti-psychotics because it became impossible for me to take it any longer. 

The last little bit that I was taking was giving me hot flashes and a case of nerves that only wore off over the course of the day. It was kind of unpleasant and it became a real bother to take that pill in the morning. It was not something that I was looking forward to. 

Because I was taking such a small dose, I will probably not have much of a withdrawal effect but I am not completely steady on my feet. It will probably take me the better part of a week to get back to normal but I am not doing too badly for the most part.

As a result of that, I don't have any big expectations of myself this week and I keep daily life relatively simple and very structured. I try to spend time living in the moment and to not anticipate what is going to happen too much. It is a real reward when I achieve that. 

I suppose I will always be a bit of a Buddhisr and always be in pursuit of my Zen moments. I do strive for peace of mind. 

I've lost weight and fit into my summer dresses really well which is good because the weather has been very agreeable. We will have summertime yet.

More than enough...

I am going through some changes now that I am on a much lower dose of anti-psychotics. I feel much more alert and aware of my emotions and no longer sedated. After having felt so for a long time, this state of mind is a whole new experience and it takes some getting used to. I don't think it is unpleasant, but these changes are something I constantly observe in myself and am surprised by. 

I find that my attitude about a lot of things is changing and while it is, I don't want to make up my mind about anything because I don't know what the final outcome will be. I've completely lost interest in some things that I liked. Some things that I was convinced of about myself I am now less sure of. I am in transition and time will tell with what sort of state of mind I will end up.

My psychiatrist had always felt that I was on too high a dose of the anti-psychotics and wanted me to lower it some time in the future, although I don't think he had counted on me ending up on a dose quite this low. The high dose was a legacy from my old psychiatrist.

I will keep you all up to date as the changes continue and I am more sure of myself.

Ciao,

Irene

A bright and shiny moment...

It is with some amount of pleasure that I sit here at the end of the afternoon and enjoy the sunlight that is shining into the living room windows. It does make everything look bright and cheerful and it does wonders for the state of my mind. For a while I will thoroughly enjoy this time behind the computer and not worry about a single thing. Not that I really have that much to worry about anyway. My mind is pretty much empty of things that I could get overly stressed about. 

Besides, now is not the time of day to worry about anything. I do that best the first thing in the morning before I've had my cup of coffee and before my medicines have started to work. But because I know that the lack of these things causes me to feel stress, I don't pay it too much mind and simply wait for them to take effect. I try to ignore what goes on in my head for the first hour after I get up. I know I will be my usual normal self n the shortest amount of time. 

We've had some rain and cloudy weather and although I didn't mind it too much, I was glad when the sun came out again. It did actually affect my mood a little bit when the sky was so gloomy.  I pretend that it doesn't get to me, but really it does. I notice that when the sun starts shining again and my whole attitude changes. I'm a lot more cheerful because of it. We're supposed to have more rain tomorrow, but I guess I shouldn't complain about it too much because Mother Nature does need it. Some rain on a regular basis can only do it good. 

I saw my relaxation therapist today and learned a new exercise. I know so many different ones now that I could keep busy all day long doing them. They do seem to work because the pain I had walked around with in one shoulder is gone now and it had been a very stubborn pain that I thought I was going to need painkillers for.  Today's exercise really worked well on my belly and stomach and I literally felt the knots there untie.

I've got to go because the dog is waiting for me to take him for a walk. It's that time of the day again. At least the sun is shining and the temperature is nice. It will be great to be out there. 

Ciao,
Irene

A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Comfort zones...

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by. 

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge. 

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind. 

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one. 

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Being in possession of my good fortune...

The mission that I was on yesterday was a big success. This was because I was well prepared and in the right frame of mind. I also felt very strong and sure of myself and I was pretty convinced that it was going to have a good outcome. The person I was doing it all for also turned out to be more than ready to receive help and was very co-operative and open to all I had to say. She was further along in the process of discovering herself than I had anticipated. It was a pleasant surprise. 

I now feel that I've succeeded at something very important and that a huge step has been made. It is another great beginning to the new year which is looking good so far. I have a very good feeling about 2012 and I think compared to last year, this is going to be a much better one. And I don't mean just for me personally, but for the world as a whole generally. I think women especially are going to play a big role in bringing about change. It started off with the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prizes at the end of last year and will continue into this year.

If I can be accused of anything it's optimism, but I refuse to see the glass nearly empty. That's not at all the state of mind I'm in. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk in the middle of the night and I have to think about going back to bed soon because my personal helper is going to be here early in the morning. I do have to get up on time if I want to have a cup of coffee leisurely and get dressed properly. After she's been here, the Exfactor will come to do the groceries. 

I can't think of another thing to add.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Conflicting messages...

I had to make myself a cup of coffee because as I sat here reading blogs and leaving comments, my eyes started to fall shut. It was not my intention to go to sleep at this time of the evening because it is way too early. I've got to wait a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed. 

The coffee is perking me up and with another cup I should be alright again and I won't be in danger of falling asleep. I can postpone putting on my pajamas and bathrobe and stay dressed like an ordinary person a while longer. If I put my pajamas on now, there will be too much temptation to go to bed early. I'm trying to prevent that. 

I've still got three chores to do before I call it quits for the evening. They will be done in no time at all because they are fairly simple ones. I've done the most complicated ones yesterday. It's nice to save the easy ones for Sundays. 

I must try to remember that for future weekends in case I'm ever tempted to put anything off until the last minute. I will remember that I like this system much better and that it pays to do the majority of the work on Saturdays. 

But now that I'm taking my tranquilizers during the day, I'm not intimidated by the chores anymore and don't have to put them off until the last minute. I just do them because I no longer feel the stress that I used to feel in anticipation. 

The tranquilizers reduce my stress levels and the coffee screws my head on straight. It's a great combination. One does not eliminate the working of the other and I'm no longer sleepy headed. I can now stay up and watch the news while still being very calm. 

The best thing is that I again enjoy my own company and don't mind being alone. Solitariness is now a very welcome thing, as long as the dog and the cat are around. I don't have to have long conversations and don't have much to say anyway. Whatever I have to say, I say here and that's enough. 

I really appreciate silence and solitude right now and can sit in my armchair for a long time without any noise or activity. I just enjoy the peace and quiet and the sense of being me without the stress.

I will now go and do my chores. I'm in the right frame of mind for them and it will feel good to have them done. 

I hope you'll all have a pleasant Sunday evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting out on the right side of my bed...

Despite the relative early hour of the morning, I find myself awake now and more then willing and able to start the day. I had planned on sleeping much later than this and I'm pleasantly surprised that my brain, in all its nooks and crannies, has so few cobwebs in it and is so alert already. 

I certainly don't begrudge myself this state of mind and can only welcome it and hope it means that I will have a good Monday. Isn't that funny? Here it is the first day of the week and I'm in a terrific mood and eager to start the day. That's a totally new development. Maybe I'm entering a new stage in my life. One in which I will like weekdays. 

Ha ha, just the thought of it! That would be new and exciting. It would give my life a whole different outlook. I would love it if I could learn to like weekdays. Imagine having the whole weekend to look forward to them and then getting to enjoy them for five whole days. That would be something. It would be too good to be true. 

The dog is sound asleep on the area rug behind me. He's used to me getting up much later, so he's not ready to go for a walk. He will be mighty surprised when I take him in a little while. Some rain is predicted for this morning, so I have to go before it starts. Without meaning to rush, I end up having to anyway. I thought I had lots of time. Clouds are moving in already. 

I hope you'll all have a glorious day. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Toppling out of my chair and other dangers...

Despite the fact that I exhausted myself with hanging out behind the computer obsessively today, I found myself lying in bed unable to go to sleep. I tried it for over an hour, but then got up and decided to try it again later when maybe I am even more exhausted. 

I'm purposely not having any coffee now, as is my usual habit to, and am instead drinking cold milk which will be mellow on my brain. Caffeine would wake me up too much and keep me awake for hours, although it would get me in an excellent mood, but I'm in a good enough mood right now, so I think I will not try to artificially alter it.

I'm very mellow and slightly sleepy headed and there's something that can be said for this state of mind. It certainly is one of calm serenity. I will have to check my vital signs of life for activity any minute now. I hope I'll still feel a heartbeat and not to shallow a breath. I do want to be attentive yet. Some brain activity would be good too. A comatose condition would not be good until I'm back in bed. 

Oh for God's sake, I'm yawning something awful. I must make a cup of coffee if I'm going to sit here and finish this post...

All done, and now I can wake up a little bit. Not too much, but just enough not to topple out of this chair or end up with my forehead on the keyboard. These are the dangers of late night blogging that nobody warns you about. You have to find them out on your own. 

Little by little I'm coming to my senses and the sleepiness is clearing up. I'm still yawning, but they are the last vestiges of sleep. I feel my mood soaring to new heights and I'm getting my second wind. This promises something for tonight. I will have to keep myself occupied for a while before I go back to bed. It's too bad that I'm all finished changing the layouts to my blogs because it would be perfect to work on them for a bit now. 

I will see what other sorts of interesting things I can keep my mind occupied with until I'm ready to go to sleep again. It is apparent now that I'm in a good mood and that I mustn't let it go to waste. It's too bad that these things strike me at night when I ought to be asleep. At least tomorrow is Sunday when I can do what I want and sleep late. I will take full advantage of that. 

I hope you're all having a good night and a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Thank goodness for small favors.

I had decided that I was too addicted to caffeine. That the state of my mind during the day (and the nights) was too much dependent on whether or not I'd had my cups of coffee. I was determined to so something about this because I decided that this was a bad thing, so overnight I stopped drinking coffee. 

This morning, when I woke up, I made myself a pot of green tea with lemon and was very sure that I wasn't going to miss the caffeine one bit. I drank the tea and it tasted nice, but it didn't do a thing for me. I had to wake up under my own powers. Luckily, I wasn't too grumpy or it would have been an awful ordeal. 

The Exfactor arrived and he drank some tea with me, but he had obviously been looking forward to a cup of coffee because the disappointment could be read on his face when I said I only had tea ready.

After he left, I made rooibos tea, but I was pretty sleepy headed. I had to try to stay alert because I was waiting for the domestic help to get here, but as soon as she left, I went to bed for a much needed nap. 

When I woke up a few hours later, I decided to make some coffee anyway because I realized I was trying to do things in the toughest way possible. I was going from one extreme to another, drinking a lot of coffee to not drinking any coffee at all and nothing in between. The way I always have a tendency to do things. 

I've had two cups of coffee and I must say that I feel a lot better now. I wasn't especially foul mooded before, but I wasn't perky either and now I'm in a good mood and alert. I know it's from the caffeine, but I'd hate to think how I would feel otherwise. I would most likely be like a damp dishrag, all limp and wrung out.

So, I suppose I'm going to be drinking coffee sometimes and tea at other times. I don't know how that will work out and what the ratio will be, but I will experiment with that. The trick is to drink less coffee than I was before. I should be able to manage that.

I'm so glad that I don't have to do without coffee completely. It was like a doomsday scenario. I thought it was like a punishment that I had inflicted upon myself and that I had to stick to no matter what. That's the black and white thinking I was caught up in. Real autistic thinking. I was taking things too seriously.

I'm always taking things too seriously and failing to see the humor in them. That's because I always take everything literally. It's a small flaw in my character. 

Have a good Friday and enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Three dimensional...

I went to bed after watching the Norwegian thriller that was on last night, but I was unable to go to sleep. I laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable and in the right frame of mind to doze off, but I was unsuccessful. I felt every wrinkle and fold in the sheets. 

After an hour and a half I gave up and got up and put my bathrobe on and decided to stay up for a while and try to go to sleep again later. I think I have to be more tired than I am now. Apparently I'm not yawning enough and the sleep medication is not working. After I've had this coffee, I'll drink a glass of warm milk. 

I didn't realize that the thriller I was going to watch last night was Norwegian, it didn't say anything about it in the on line TV guide. I just noticed that the language was different than Swedish because I had a harder time understanding it. Somewhere along the line I found out it was taking place in Bergen on the west coast of Norway. 

It was a good thriller and it was still a recognizable language, but I really had to pay attention. I don't think I can learn more than one Scandinavian language at the time. I hope the next one is Swedish again like the one the night before was. Of course, a British one would be good too. There'd be no trouble understanding it. But thank goodness for subtitles. 

It's still in the middle of the night, but I count this as being Monday already. The weekend is over and I'm sorry about that. I could use another day off. I've got one more load of laundry to do, although I did one yesterday, though it's not dry yet. It's taking up space on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I changed the bed, but that didn't help me fall asleep. I always look forward to going to sleep between clean sheets, but this time the trick didn't work. 

I think I have stress about tomorrow because I don't want it to be Monday. It's not my favorite day of the week. You could say that it's my least favorite day because I hardly have any privacy and the day seems so long. I do get a clean apartment, but that's the most that can be said about the day. 

I'm sure lots of people don't enjoy their Mondays. After all, it's the first day after the weekend and time to get back to work. It must be hard on everyone. I'd be curious to know how many grumpy people there are first thing Monday morning. Or are you all ready and roaring to go? 

I'm starting to yawn and that's a good sign. I'll be able to go to bed shortly. I just need to be tired enough to look forward to it. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Working the odds...

I'm drinking coffee to increase the chances that my mood will improve, because coffee generally seems to have a positive influence on how I feel mentally. I'm telling myself that after this second cup, I already feel better but, of course, it could all be a question of mind over matter and a huge illusion. On the other hand, maybe caffeine really does do something for me and it is beneficial to my state of mind. 

At any rate, I feel somewhat capable of writing a post, although I have no idea where it's going yet. I'm in a rambling sort of mood and I don't have a specific subject that I want to discuss, except that I want to say that feeling depressed is not my idea of spending quality time with myself. I have been in much better moods and have enjoyed my own company more. I think you bother yourself the most when you're not doing well emotionally. 

But anyway, like I said, the coffee seems to have put me in a better mood and I think I can handle putting my thoughts down on paper (ha, there's that Freudian slip again).

We're having summer weather in April and lots of pollen is blowing through the sunny sky. I don't seem to be in the least bothered by it, so apparently nothing is blooming that I'm allergic too or I'm not allergic at all. I'll just assume that I'm not. It will simplify my life tremendously if I'm not and I would probably have eczema anyway. All those allergy tests I had in the States may have been false positive. I'm also supposed to be allergic to dogs and cats.

The temperatures have been very pleasant and warm and I now have all the windows open on a crack. That means the apartment can air out properly and that some of the warmer air gets inside too, slowly but surely. It is still cooler inside than it is outside. I'd rather keep it that way, but I know that by this summer it won't be. I'll have to try and keep the sun from shining through the living room windows as much as possible. That means keeping the shades drawn for the most part.

It was almost too warm to walk the dog at noon, especially when we were between buildings and out of the breeze. You can tell that I'm not used to this kind of warm weather anymore, nor is the dog. He will have to be trimmed soon because now his fur is too thick and hot. We both laid down in the cool bedroom when we came back and took a nap. It was very pleasant. I'm lucky that the sun only shines on the back of the apartment very briefly in the morning. 

Oh, I see that it's almost time to watch the 6 o'clock news. I will keep this short. I do want to know what has happened in the country and the world. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight revisited...

Despite my good intentions I relented and closed the windows about an hour ago. I also turned on the heater. I wanted to not do that or worry about the temperature because, after all, it is springtime, even at night. But I got too chilled, even in my bathrobe, and I don't like suffering. It's toasty warm in here now and I think I can turn the heater off and have it be warm enough in the apartment for the rest of the night. It will have to suffice. 

Like I said, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I'm obviously not in bed where I should be, but I enjoyed being up late last night and slept well in the morning. I had no bad effects from it today and didn't need to take a nap like I had expected to. I was up on time for my personal helper and even had some time to spare.

I'm extremely mellow and slightly sleepy headed and that feels very pleasant. It's a pleasurable state of mind to be in. I think that's why I like being awake right now. 

It's the whole experience I appreciate. I'm always one to seek out the more pleasant moods that are stress free and in which I feel just a little punch drunk. I seek the altered states of mind that I seem to find at night. Feeling normal isn't good enough. It will do during the day, but at night I want a different experience. 

I went on the bathroom scale tonight and had lost 600 grams. Now I need to get on it in the morning and see what I really weigh, which will be less. I never weigh myself at night, but I was curious because I had not been on the scale in quite some time. I can't wait to see what the weight will be. I hope I will have lost a total of a kilo, but maybe that's too much to hope for. 800 Grams would be nice and I guess that's more realistic. 

Today was an utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that the weather was unpredictable. Sunshine one moment and huge gray clouds the next.  It was real April weather, although it was a little warmer than usual for the time of year. I guess even the weather wasn't that out of the ordinary. It was a completely forgettable day and you could have traded it in for any other ordinary day that had nothing to distinguish it. 

I suppose I shouldn't complain about that. I'm sure there are enough people in the world who would like to have a very ordinary day with nothing to distinguish it from any other. I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact. It went by quickly and I even watched television last night and watched a soppy show called 'Memories' in which people go in search of an old love from their past. 

Well, I did that and married him and divorced him 15 years later and I don't think the whole adventure was a good idea. It sounds very romantic on paper, but in reality it's not such a great idea. You can't revive a teenage romance. You can do it briefly, but not long term. It has to stay rooted in the past. Ships passing in the night and all that... You don't want to end up like the Titanic on an iceberg. 

I'm a sucker for soppy shows, though, providing they're tastefully done and don't abuse the sentiment. 

Well, I have to move on to the next thing, whatever that is going to be. I don't know if it's going to be bed yet, although I am yawning. I may get excited about something yet. The night is still young. 

Have a good one. 

Ciao,

Nora

Lanterfanting...

I had the best of intentions this morning. I wanted to take the dog for a long walk and get started on my chores. I figured that after a good night's sleep, I would be more than capable of doing such things that were after all quite simple. All they required were a little bit of goodwill and some energy. 

Well, it turns out that the latter is what I was short of once I had gotten dressed. Suddenly I felt pooped and not at all able to carry off my tasks. It seemed that I had lead in my legs and the thought of going for a long walk just defeated me. I didn't think I could pull it off. Apparently I didn't have the energy that I thought I had woken up with in the morning.

Nevertheless, I set off with the best of intentions, willing to give it a try, but after we had walked for a while and it was time to choose which direction to go in, I chose the direction that led home again. It was with much relief that I walked into the apartment. I fed the dog and fixed myself something to eat, hoping that it would restore my strength and take away the tired feeling and then I had a cup of coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake.

The last thing I want to do is go back to bed and mess up my schedule, but I do feel a touch wobbly and like I need more sleep. I'm fighting off the feeling now and telling myself that if I drink enough coffee, it will go away. All I have to do is try and stay as alert as possible. It's a bit like having jet lag and having to adjust to a new time zone. I will try and save up my need for sleep until tonight when I can sleep as long as I want. With the combination of the old and the new sleeping pills, I should be able to sleep well. 

I have to do my chores, but I don't quite feel up to them yet. I have to gather the  wherewithal to do them. I know what I have to do, but the lead isn't out of my arms and legs yet and I'm yawning something awful. I am determined to get them done and I hope that in doing them, I will wake up more and regain my energy. I have to do laundry, for one thing, and I hope that the smell of washing powder will revitalize me.  I'll inhale deeply over the box. 

*****

The Exfactor was just here for coffee and conversation and it has quite perked me up. It was like I stood under a waterfall of fresh water and I'm completely woken up. We talked about interesting things and had several cups of coffee and the dog was the cause of much diversion too. Isn't it funny how you can become enlivened by the presence of another person? I guess it has to be the right person. Someone who is perky enough themselves, which the Exfactor definitely is. He is a most talkative  guy and never short of subjects. 

The best part was that I got another package of clothes and I had sort of forgotten what I had ordered, being not quite in my right mind when I did. I had completely forgotten about that package arriving this afternoon. To my great surprise it also contained a cute little summery cardigan, which I decided to wear right away because the weather is perfect for it. I'm amazed by my own choice of it and should order these kinds of things more often in that kind of mood, although not being in my right mind is not a preferable state to be in. It does go with the many shades of color life comes in. It causes surprises. 

Now I'm more than ready to continue with the rest of the day. I can take the dog for another walk and do my chores. I feel quite up to it. I will even do the dreaded dishes, which I still think should be replaced with disposable ones. I don't think the ecologist in me will get away with it, though. Besides, I'd have too much trash. I do feel responsible for my share of the landfill. It's very difficult to be irresponsible nowadays. It must have been much easier to live in the 50's.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Frustratingly shallow...

I've been up for a while and have been drinking my delicious cups of coffee. It took me no effort at all this morning to make a pot. I was wide awake when I stepped out of bed and more than ready to start the day. I even had to make cigarettes, having depleted the supply I had last night. I did it with the greatest of ease, as if it was no problem so early in the morning. That goes to show you that I was free of grumpiness and that I immediately was in a good mood. I am an early riser and I get out on the right side of the bed. Luckily, my bed is positioned in the right place.

I have visited blogs and sent emails and now I should be more than ready to write a blog post. I just need for my imagination to wake up. I think that will take another cup of coffee. I wish I could visit the place in my head where my imagination lives and see what size it is and what form it has and if I have a lot of it. Maybe then I could learn to depend on it. I think a lot of times it is hidden by my need to want to be logical and to want to make sense. It would be better if I could give it free reign and set it loose.

Circumstances also dictate how poetic I can get. If I feel that I have to be in charge and be the responsible adult, I'm not as likely to let down my boundaries and give myself over to my more lyrical side. The one who spends more time with her head in the clouds and her feet lightly lifted off the ground. Like a balloon drifting around just without reach. I have been known to spend large periods in this state of mind and be very prolific. I was attached to the earth by a gossamer thread.

Nowadays, I try to stay more grounded than that and to have both my feet firmly planted on the ground. This does hinder the free flow of my more poetic ideas. It's hard to be lyrical if you don't spend time in the higher spheres. If your firmly attached to all that's worldly. I don't allow myself many flights of imagination. Nor do I see as much overwhelming beauty in the world around me. I've become a bit more cynical than that and I have to find a new form to express that side of me. I do want to see the beauty with unbiased eyes, but I also see the fragility of it and the fact that you can't grasp and hold it.

The love that you felt for things only becomes a memory when you can't go back and rediscover them. You can only continue to love them if you keep living with them and I have not been that fortunate. I have had a lot of experiences, though, and I have an enormous source of material to dip into. The fact that I don't do this, speaks for itself. I consider them a closed book and I rarely open it. I want to keep them locked up in the chambers of my mind and not wax lyrical about them lest I get too sentimental and teary eyed. I must not start to think that one stage in my life was more beautiful than the other.

I prefer to think that the one I'm in will turn out to be the best one and that this is the one that I will in the end be lyrical and poetic about, but in a sober minded way. The way a Dutch person can be lyrical in a stark and barren way that does not show too much emotion lest he makes a fool of himself. There's to be not too much passion. We are Calvinistic people, after all, even if some of us are Catholic and more Burgundian.

I still don't know where my imagination lives. I think it lives in a state of mind, though, when you're disconnected from too much reality and when you are in a loftier and more ethereal space where the air is thinner, high up a mountain somewhere, very solitary. Maybe that's why I seek so much time alone. To get in touch with that place, where the foothills and the shrub oaks live and where the sun shines relentlessly in the bright blue sky. It's only an illusion. The rain comes down outside and it's another gray day and that's reality and I don't mind the rain. That's been established.

I live my life accordingly and adapt myself to the circumstances, but I can make the best of them. Kindness abounds, after all, and that wasn't always the case.

Ciao,

Nora