Saturday, March 13, 2010

Catching up with myself.

I finally did go to sleep some time in the morning and slept on the sofa under the red blanket in my red bathrobe. I slept for a few hours and then woke up quite refreshed. Much to my relief, Tyke hadn't gotten into any trouble, which he easily could have since all the doors were open and the apartment was his to do with as he liked. He's been showing interest in the books on the bookcase, though, and has been chewing on "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat." As long as he sticks to that one... I do scold him and tell him no, but it's not working completely well yet. I'm not moving all of my books out of the first three bottom rows.

As I write this, I'm getting over a big anxiety attack that I just had because of an appointment that I have to go to on Friday. It is with my contact person at Social Services and it is an appointment that has been canceled several times, the last time by my psychiatrist. I got a letter in the mail yesterday telling me about this new appointment. I thought about having to go all the way over there on my bike and not having the courage to go and dreading having to go and thinking desperately of a way of not having to go, but I see no way out.

I just wrote my therapist an email asking for her help. I'm pretty miserable and wish Social Services would leave me alone and not bother me anymore with their having to check up on me to see what I am doing. I am being a psychiatric patient and doing the best I can to survive and I can't come to their office to tell them so. I wish that would dawn on them. I have such a fear of going there.

I need to pull myself together and not let this spoil my day. There is nothing I can do about it now on this Saturday. I am just having a big irrational fear that is taking me over, although it is based on something very real. Real to me, anyway.

Today my sister is coming back from her week in Italy. We are supposed to do some grocery shopping tonight, but I feel so anxious that I don't know if I can make it and I may ask her to get a few things for me. I hope she doesn't mind. All I can do is ask her.

Oh, I'm not doing well at all. I am crying now and I can't stop. It seems like I have a lake of tears stored up and they all want to come out. I don't know why I am so emotional. I suppose crying is better than sitting here all stressed out and having my nerves go to pieces. I feel so damn lonely and alone sometimes and so scared by what I have to do and my enormous lack of courage to get things done. I am not so very well cut out for this world and how to take care of it and myself. I need someone else beside me to help me see things through.

I am tired of being brave and not feeling well and always doing my best but feeling like shit. I want to feel good and have things go right and not have everything be an uphill struggle and be so damn hard to do.

I'm not going to pretend that everything is always okay anymore. It isn't. The longer I am divorced, the harder it gets. Everybody's life goes on, but my life stagnates and even goes down hill. I'm always being upbeat and cheerful while I shouldn't be, because there's not much to be cheerful about. Just 2 weeks ago I was contemplating ending my life and called my therapist and said so.

Well, I'm sorry this turned into such a different post than I had intended. I just had to let it out for once, you know? I'm not going to act like everything is fine anymore.



Twain12 said...

I can relate to those feelings.Sometimes life is just crappy and there is no pretending otherwise. Is there somebody that can go with you to this appointment? or maybe a person could come to your house?
It is probably something that just has to be done and probably will not turn out as bad as you imagine. But i'm not a good one to talk, i always imagine the worst. I'm sending you all my love and hope that things turn out and if you need to vent just do it !!!

Babaloo said...

I honestly can't see how your life is stagnating or going downhill but then I'm only looking in from the outside.

Please don't forget that you're going through a major change in medication and an extreme mood like this may very well be caused by it.

I'm sure that the appointment is not even half as bad as you imagine it to be. And I agree with Twain, take someone with you - could your sister come? We all have things to sort out, appointments to go to and while I realise that your fears are more than the average person's, I'm sure we all dread some of those things we need to do. Sometimes talking the upcoming meeting through with someone in advance removes a lot of the fear. And taking someone with you then to the actual appointment is a good thing to do anyway.

Take care of yourself and don't forget to let your psychiatrist know of this anxiety attack!!! He'll have to know about it, to be able to judge how the change in medication is going.


Twain12 said...

I hope you managed to calm down a little...i'm thinking of you

frazzledsugarplummum said...

Hey Nora,
Sorry to hear you are strung out and all tumbled up inside. Could you ring the social worker at social services and talk to them about the difficulty of getting in. I hate having to go myself and it has got harder as they have moved much further away and the people dont seem very tolerant but it has to be done to get your money. Think of it as your part of the 'job'. It is hard on your own making all the decisions. I don't know why everything has to be an uphill that for me too. I just had a sleep for a couple of hours and its 3am now. Wish I could give you a big hug. Let it out.

Elaine said...

If one of the things you struggle with is leaving the house, they should be able to come and visit you. They can't force you to go there, so please don't worry about that. x

Oh, I know what you mean about being stagnant...about everybody elses lives moving on. I feel like that too fact a lot of the time...but I try to tell myself how easily and quickly things can change. Tomorrow I may be full of the joys of spring!

Take care Nora. Be good to yourself and pick up that phone if you need to. x

aims said...

Hey my friend. It's okay. You're going through withdrawals. It's okay.

And it's very easy to forget that it is related to withdrawals. We get caught up in how we feel and it turns into the spin cycle on the washing machine.

Take deep breaths. Take Tyke for a walk or two.

Take deep breaths and keep repeating - it's withdrawals - it's withdrawals. I CAN conquer this - because you can - you truly can my friend. I know it's hard - harder than hard - but tell your mind it's just a symptom - it's not really true what is happening.

Come on girl - you can do it! I have faith in you.

And if you want to cry - really let it out until you are worn down and then say - there. I'm done with that for now.

Remember Scarlett O'Hara? She vowed never to go hungry again when she was alone pushing that big rock up that steep hill. You can be just like her and shake your fist and say I'm going to do this because I CAN!

You are stronger than you believe right now. Very much so. Remember that.

And remember - you are loved by many and we are here for you. I certainly am. Always.

pinklea said...

Like Babaloo, I wonder if this downturn in mood is related to the change in your meds. But it is therapeutic to talk (or in this case, write) about it, so I'm glad you can do that. And really, one would think that Social Services would be flexible with a psychiatric patient, particularly one such as yourself with anxiety issues about leaving her home! I do hope that your therapist has some ideas how to make that appointment easier for you (an on-line chat, perhaps?).

Sending you many cyber-hugs laced with courage! xoxo

Bernie said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way....I think you should let your doctor know as soon as possible, it may be related to your medications.....keeping you in my prayers...........:-) Hugs

Frances said...

Don't let the change in meds give you permission to stay in and build up fears.
If you are anxious about things, see if your therapist can find you a strategy.
You have your own strategy that you used before which was to get ready before the time you needed to and just go out without dwelling on what you were going for. That seemed to work for you - after all that was how you managed to go along for all the therapeutic activities. A few scary moments and a few refusals to go, but in the end you went and you were able to cope.
It may be that you fear going because you think they will believe you are okay if you can cope with going along and being a kick-ass lady... do you worry about that? I think your psychiatrist and therapist will have written reports on you and these other agencies will be aware, they maybe just need to see you are making an effort?
The therapist is the best person to ask.