I finally did go to sleep some time in the morning and slept on the sofa under the red blanket in my red bathrobe. I slept for a few hours and then woke up quite refreshed. Much to my relief, Tyke hadn't gotten into any trouble, which he easily could have since all the doors were open and the apartment was his to do with as he liked. He's been showing interest in the books on the bookcase, though, and has been chewing on "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat." As long as he sticks to that one... I do scold him and tell him no, but it's not working completely well yet. I'm not moving all of my books out of the first three bottom rows.
As I write this, I'm getting over a big anxiety attack that I just had because of an appointment that I have to go to on Friday. It is with my contact person at Social Services and it is an appointment that has been canceled several times, the last time by my psychiatrist. I got a letter in the mail yesterday telling me about this new appointment. I thought about having to go all the way over there on my bike and not having the courage to go and dreading having to go and thinking desperately of a way of not having to go, but I see no way out.
I just wrote my therapist an email asking for her help. I'm pretty miserable and wish Social Services would leave me alone and not bother me anymore with their having to check up on me to see what I am doing. I am being a psychiatric patient and doing the best I can to survive and I can't come to their office to tell them so. I wish that would dawn on them. I have such a fear of going there.
I need to pull myself together and not let this spoil my day. There is nothing I can do about it now on this Saturday. I am just having a big irrational fear that is taking me over, although it is based on something very real. Real to me, anyway.
Today my sister is coming back from her week in Italy. We are supposed to do some grocery shopping tonight, but I feel so anxious that I don't know if I can make it and I may ask her to get a few things for me. I hope she doesn't mind. All I can do is ask her.
Oh, I'm not doing well at all. I am crying now and I can't stop. It seems like I have a lake of tears stored up and they all want to come out. I don't know why I am so emotional. I suppose crying is better than sitting here all stressed out and having my nerves go to pieces. I feel so damn lonely and alone sometimes and so scared by what I have to do and my enormous lack of courage to get things done. I am not so very well cut out for this world and how to take care of it and myself. I need someone else beside me to help me see things through.
I am tired of being brave and not feeling well and always doing my best but feeling like shit. I want to feel good and have things go right and not have everything be an uphill struggle and be so damn hard to do.
I'm not going to pretend that everything is always okay anymore. It isn't. The longer I am divorced, the harder it gets. Everybody's life goes on, but my life stagnates and even goes down hill. I'm always being upbeat and cheerful while I shouldn't be, because there's not much to be cheerful about. Just 2 weeks ago I was contemplating ending my life and called my therapist and said so.
Well, I'm sorry this turned into such a different post than I had intended. I just had to let it out for once, you know? I'm not going to act like everything is fine anymore.