Romance...

I think I may have fallen in love a little bit with my first ex-husband again. I certainly spend an awful lot of time thinking about him and fantasizing about the possibilities of us getting together some time in the future.

Now, I do have to admit that I have a large fantasy and that it does have a tendency to want to grab a hold of me and go on the run with me, so I have to hold on to my horses. I don't want any flights of fancy to dominate my life and influence it to the point that I can't think straight anymore.

I've probably been charmed off my feet like I was the very first time I fell in love with him. The same mechanisms have been triggered. At least I know that those are still in place, but I'm not that young girl anymore. I'm a middle aged woman with a lot of experience and a lot of knowledge, so I can't let myself get lost in this.

I have to keep both feet on the ground and stay in the here and now. I have to keep living my own life and not get lost in fantasies, no matter how pleasant that is. I'll get over that. I've just momentarily been swept off my feet.

Ciao,
Nora

Frustratingly shallow...

I've been up for a while and have been drinking my delicious cups of coffee. It took me no effort at all this morning to make a pot. I was wide awake when I stepped out of bed and more than ready to start the day. I even had to make cigarettes, having depleted the supply I had last night. I did it with the greatest of ease, as if it was no problem so early in the morning. That goes to show you that I was free of grumpiness and that I immediately was in a good mood. I am an early riser and I get out on the right side of the bed. Luckily, my bed is positioned in the right place.

I have visited blogs and sent emails and now I should be more than ready to write a blog post. I just need for my imagination to wake up. I think that will take another cup of coffee. I wish I could visit the place in my head where my imagination lives and see what size it is and what form it has and if I have a lot of it. Maybe then I could learn to depend on it. I think a lot of times it is hidden by my need to want to be logical and to want to make sense. It would be better if I could give it free reign and set it loose.

Circumstances also dictate how poetic I can get. If I feel that I have to be in charge and be the responsible adult, I'm not as likely to let down my boundaries and give myself over to my more lyrical side. The one who spends more time with her head in the clouds and her feet lightly lifted off the ground. Like a balloon drifting around just without reach. I have been known to spend large periods in this state of mind and be very prolific. I was attached to the earth by a gossamer thread.

Nowadays, I try to stay more grounded than that and to have both my feet firmly planted on the ground. This does hinder the free flow of my more poetic ideas. It's hard to be lyrical if you don't spend time in the higher spheres. If your firmly attached to all that's worldly. I don't allow myself many flights of imagination. Nor do I see as much overwhelming beauty in the world around me. I've become a bit more cynical than that and I have to find a new form to express that side of me. I do want to see the beauty with unbiased eyes, but I also see the fragility of it and the fact that you can't grasp and hold it.

The love that you felt for things only becomes a memory when you can't go back and rediscover them. You can only continue to love them if you keep living with them and I have not been that fortunate. I have had a lot of experiences, though, and I have an enormous source of material to dip into. The fact that I don't do this, speaks for itself. I consider them a closed book and I rarely open it. I want to keep them locked up in the chambers of my mind and not wax lyrical about them lest I get too sentimental and teary eyed. I must not start to think that one stage in my life was more beautiful than the other.

I prefer to think that the one I'm in will turn out to be the best one and that this is the one that I will in the end be lyrical and poetic about, but in a sober minded way. The way a Dutch person can be lyrical in a stark and barren way that does not show too much emotion lest he makes a fool of himself. There's to be not too much passion. We are Calvinistic people, after all, even if some of us are Catholic and more Burgundian.

I still don't know where my imagination lives. I think it lives in a state of mind, though, when you're disconnected from too much reality and when you are in a loftier and more ethereal space where the air is thinner, high up a mountain somewhere, very solitary. Maybe that's why I seek so much time alone. To get in touch with that place, where the foothills and the shrub oaks live and where the sun shines relentlessly in the bright blue sky. It's only an illusion. The rain comes down outside and it's another gray day and that's reality and I don't mind the rain. That's been established.

I live my life accordingly and adapt myself to the circumstances, but I can make the best of them. Kindness abounds, after all, and that wasn't always the case.

Ciao,

Nora

Turning into a cynic...

It's late at night and I'm having my usual cup of coffee, because I'm not at all worried about it keeping me awake. Coffee doesn't seem to have that effect on me. I've already slept or should I say, had my nighttime nap, and now I'll be awake for a while and sit here in the silence of the night all by my lonesome self. Well, I'm not quite lonely, because I do have the animals and that is supposed to relieve my solitary existence somewhat.

When I woke up, I had a revelation and I thought, "Why should I live this lonesome life, when what I want is to be part of a family and have a husband and children and grandchildren.?" I want to be a member of an intimate group of people who are related to me and with whom I have meaningful relationships. I want to undertake things, see the world, go to the theater, see films, go to museums, go out for dinner, travel, enjoy the finer things of life before I die. Know love and be loved.

At the same time I knew that these things would never happen and that I would have to accept my fate as it is and that's what turns me into a cynic, because I see people complaining about their lives who have a lot more than I have, yet they don't appreciate it while I try to make them feel better. I am a fool for doing so and I'm not going to do it anymore. From now on I won´t play Mother Theresa anymore, but be a tough broad, and not waste my emotions on other people´s so called miseries.

I feel that being a cynic is the only road open to me. I can´t be like my older sister who pretends to be one, but who in reality cares way too much and has her heart broken and is overly burdened. I´d rather not believe in all those emotions and extremes of feelings and trying to find mutual understanding and compassion. I´m actually quite disappointed, but don´t want that to get me down, so I choose the road of cynicism instead.

Being a cynic saves you from getting emotionally involved up to your ears. It prevents you from getting in too deep into other people´s seemingly unsolvable problems that they refuse to take care of themselves. It keeps you safe from an onslaught of emotions and drama that will pull you under as sure as the spring tide does. It makes you immune against pity parties and woe-is-me stories. It can save your mind, if your mind needs saving.

Nevertheless, I don´t feel that I´m living the life I´m supposed to live, which is so hollowed out and so bare of the basic necessities that I´m just eking out a minimum existence. I make myself happy with little things and teach myself to find some joy in them. I do this without anybody else´s help. I don´t continually live in a state of high drama. I´m not a victim. I´m not a martyr. I´m just somebody stating the reality of her situation. I could really get very down about this, but that is not what I choose for. I do try to concentrate on the half full glass.

Does a cynic concentrate on the half full glass or does he go find a bottle at all cost to fill his glass to the rim with? Selfishly? Yes, maybe he would do that. Self interest is at the heart of a cynic.

I´ve just had a tall glass of cold milk and I´m thinking of going back to bed after I´ve revealed myself so well to you. There should be a few more hours of sleep in me, although I´m not sleepy right now. It will be more out of a sense of responsibility that I go than anything else. I do have to get up in the morning and function.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

With a cup of coffee...

I've done some more searching for Tyke's photographs, but I'm still not able to find them. I can't take a new one of him now, because it is dark and I don't want to use the flash because it gives him red eyes. I'll take some later today when there's enough daylight in the apartment. Besides, he is sound asleep on the sofa and I don't want to disturb his beauty sleep.

He's truly beautiful and I'm in love with him. I still can't take my eyes off him, although I'm used to how he looks now. Imagine being enamored with your own dog. It's such a pleasure that I truly enjoy. I've never had a boyfriend as nice.

I can cuddle Tyke all day long and not get enough of it. He doesn't wear me out like people do. He's like having a little kid. They're the best kind of people to have around, especially if they are your own. I guess Tyke is just like my child and he allows me to feel unadulterated feelings of love and he gives them in return too. People really do get attached to their pets.

I take pain medication every 6 hours or so. Sometimes I don't wait quite that long and I'm forced to take it sooner. It does help and takes away the worst of the pain and that is a great relief. It makes the difference between being comfortable enough or not. The worst of the pain is in the top half of my back where I have a mild form of scoliosis. It spreads to my shoulders and is very exhausting.

I try to remember to sit up as straight as possible when I sit behind the computer and to not slouch. I push my back against the back of the chair and sit with both buns firmly planted in the seat. Subconsciously, you take on a different position, probably to get more comfortable, although in the long run that doesn't work out. I have keep returning to the proper way to sit and realign my body. It really helps if I keep my hips straight under my spine and line everything up, including my shoulders and my head.

It's starting to be morning. I have been up a good deal of the night. The rain that was promised yesterday and last night never materialized. We did have lots of clouds move in, but nothing came of it. It's going to be cloudy again today, but no rain is forecast. It's supposed to be a cooler day today, but they said that yesterday too and it was warm enough and humid.

Despite my backache, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk in a while in the coolness of the early morning air. The day is best at dawn. His Majesty does need his outing and I can stand the fresh air too. It will be nice after sitting here all this time behind the computer screen, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. First I'm going to have a tall glass of milk to quench my thirst and do something healthy. When I come back I'll have a tall glass of multi vitamin juice. It's the simple things in life that you have to reward yourself with.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A busy day...

Being nearly out of tobacco, I walked with Tyke to the tobacconist at 8:30 am and got a new supply. Tyke's smart enough to know where we are going now and walks into the shop on his own and tries to wait patiently, which is tough to do when you are a little dog. He also can't wait to be outside again and return to the business of smelling everything in the gutter, which means it takes twice as long to get home, as I either wait patiently or drag him with me.

When I got home, I took a quick nap on the sofa and then did the few chores I had to do in a hurry before the personal helper would get there. She did at 11:15 and turned out to be a very nice woman who I got along with well. We made a plan of action and filled out a questionnaire and generally got to know each other and decided to call each other by our first names. She starts on Thursday.

After she left I had a quick cup of coffee before I went to my psychiatrist. I wore my leather jacket and a scarf on my way over there on my bike because it was cold. I find that I can't tell you what went on between my psychiatrist and me, but it was monumental and had to do with guilt and sadness and unconditional love, which I have a shortage of in my life. It makes me very sad to write this down as all the feelings of that session return, so I will leave that alone now.

Actually, I don't feel like writing all of this down at all. I feel very tired and want to do nothing more than go to bed and sleep. Nothing seems as attractive as my bed right now and the warm duvet and my book and something to eat. So I think that's what I'll do now. Maybe later tonight there will be more blogging.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

A fool for love...

Well, I'm not a fool for love, necessarily, unless you count my love for writing posts. I write so many posts that people don't get the opportunity to comment on them. So, please go to this post for the latest news on the visit with my psychiatrist.

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but then I couldn't find that email address of that person I was talking about earlier, so I looked through all my older comments until I found one by her and got her email address that way. It was a lot of work and it kept getting later and pretty soon I was past that crucial time of going to sleep. I had stopped yawning and was wide awake again, but it is my experience that writing a post at this time of the night is sleep inducing and that very often I don't even have to finish it before I'm ready to go to bed and can just delete it. Probably that will be the case tonight too.

It was strange to go through those old comments. Of course, I didn't stop and read every one of them, I was just looking for a name, but every once in a while one caught my attention and I read it and was reminded of what it was in reaction to and what I noticed the most is that I went through an awful lot of ups and downs and that they followed each other rapidly. One moment I was okay and the next moment I wasn't. I see now how totally unacceptable that was and how it never should have happened, but how could it have been stopped? I was rapid cycling constantly, it seemed, and somehow I kept on functioning as if that was normal. Well, except for the infamous suicide attempt. I certainly don't want that to happen anymore and expect my moods to be regular now and steady.

I had my 4th cup of coffee, but didn't finish it all. I wish I could find a good decaf and I would drink that instead. I'm going to have to look around at what's available and see if there's a good brand of decaf. Even if it is expensive, it would be worth the money. I like the taste of a cup of Senseo and could easily be fooled by a good cup of decaf. To me that would taste like the real thing and be just as satisfying.

I had momentarily lost my dog and didn't realize he was lying under the desk. I didn't see him anywhere. He is sound asleep and so quiet. When I don't see him, I get a little feeling of panic as I think an accident has befallen him and he is lying somewhere injured, because he's always getting into things. Usually I think he has choked to death on something he has tried to eat that was not edible. It's just like having a toddler in the house. He swallows everything that he thinks is small enough. I just hope it all comes out at the other end. I don't care to look for it specifically to see if it did.

Gandhi is playing it safe and has just about taken up permanent residence on the dining table. Right she is. That pesky dog can't bother her there. She's lying on the open phone book now that I needed yesterday and left out for her, as she seems to think it is comfortable. Anything to accomodate a cat, really.

The cats like their kibbles better from the ceramic bowl than they did from the metal dishes and also prefer their water from a ceramic bowl and it has to be as fresh as possible. That's why I set it in the sink, so new water can be added all the time. Toby still likes water straight from the faucet and Gandhi still prefers cold milk. Don't you love cats that come with an instruction booklet? It makes life interesting. Tyke eats his food from a ceramic dish and drinks his water from a metal bowl and it needs to be refreshed every day at least once. It's a big bowl for a little dog.

I'm sufficiently yawning now, no doubt induced by writing this post, although I hope that reading it will not have the same effect on you. If so, please go to the other more interesting post, or the one before that. Take your pick. I will go put on my PJs now and take my medicines and sit here until I get really drowsy, until I fall of my chair. I'll probably curl up next to Tyke under the desk.

Sleep tight!

Ciao,
Nora

2010 Finally!

I'm so glad it is the new year now and a new decade. I am a firm believer in new beginnings and this really feels like one. Basically, I'm an optimist and I assume the best will happen and that is how I look at this coming year. I assume that good things will happen in it and that whatever happens it will come to a good end, even if it has a less than good beginning. I am bound and determined to see the glass half full, if not completely full at times. I feel there will be no end to the possibilities that will come my way and I will meet every opportunity head on.

Oh, see how brave I sound! I must have something extra in my coffee this morning. I'm full of good intentions and I think that's half the work. I don't know if my willpower will be half as great, but I hope that my courage will not forsake me. I'm chicken little who cries that the sky will come falling down sometimes, but I'm also a brave trooper when it is necessary and I can move mountains if I have to. The cause has to be the right one, that's all.

I wasn't so brave last night when I sat here by myself waiting for it to be midnight. I felt kind of sorry for myself, because there would be nobody to kiss me at midnight when all the fireworks went off. I quickly got over that when I got involved watching a fun program on television and forgot about time passing and before I knew it, it was 12 o'clock and I wished myself a Happy New Year. Then all the fireworks went off and the cats went into hiding and I put on my pajamas and waited to go to bed when things had quieted down again. That took about 45 minutes and the cats reappeared and we all went to bed.

Now it literally is the morning of a brand new day and I'm full of good spirits. Not only is it a brand new day, it is a brand new year and that promises something. I'm very curious to see what will happen in it. I wonder if everybody is as full of good intentions as I am. I suppose people are, you can't help yourself, can you? It is kind of exciting to stand at the beginning of a new decade. People must have all sorts of resolutions, although I don't have any as such to keep myself bound to. I just have a general sort of attitude that I hope to carry far into the new year with me. It's better than having a birthday, because today everybody starts afresh. Today the whole world is one big tribe.

It literally is a load of my mind to start this new year. I feel like I've had a very good session of therapy. I was down in the dumps yesterday and felt unable to write a post. I slept a lot and was very tired all day. The events of the past days had really gotten to me and I felt worn out from them and slightly contaminated, as if I had been in contact with something toxic. I was not proud of my own role in them and as time wore on, I could better see what my own mistakes had been. I could more objectively look at the situation and realize that I had been looking for love in the wrong place. The fact that I allowed myself to look for it is an amazing thing to me, because I thought I had sworn it off and here it was clutching me in its claws again.

Even though I don't think of myself as an unattractive woman, I don't think of myself as someone somebody could fall in love with. I see too many flaws in myself to make that a possibility. I think I'm okay at arm's length, but not any closer than that. It was nice to contemplate the possibility that I was wrong and it awakened a little flame in me and made it grow bigger. Now, obviously, this was awakened by the wrong person, but that was just bad timing. The fact is, that suddenly I felt very female and attractive and I haven't felt that way in a long time. It was nice to have that feeling again, even though it turned out only to be an illusion. It has given me some hope for the future. Maybe some day I will feel this way again and it will be with the right person and it will not be an illusion.

Well, I have to get dressed and walk the dog. He is very impatient. It is -1C outside and cloudy and we are supposed to get some snow.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

Don't spare the wounded.

I've just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I'm having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I'll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don't have to do this "relationship" anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn't make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can't blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can't say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the "relationship" he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things "normal" couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I've walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn't too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I'd have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you for now. I've pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I'm so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Do as I say, not as I do.

I woke up early and couldn't sleep anymore. I felt I had to write another post to offset the one I had written last night that was so bitter and gloomy. Things always look different in the morning, right? So here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes to make a new start and to toss some optimism your way. Today we are seeing the glass half full and not half empty like we did last night.

First we put on some nice music to get in the proper mood, which needs to be mellow,and it is quickly found here. Then we sit up straight in our chair and with our back straight and our feet crossed at the ankles and a perky look on our face we proceed.

You see how I talk about myself as the royal "we," as if things have gone to my head and I have formed an attitude. Maybe people should speak about themselves in that way every so often to give a little boost to their self esteem. It's nice to think of yourself as a multitude instead of just one single person with one little voice that gets outshouted in the masses. I will definitely go through life as a "we" in the apartment today, if not in the outside world. It may be harder to pull off there, although I can secretly think it. Alas, lines at the post office will not suddenly shorten because I stand in it.

When you are a "we," you speak with authority and with a certain disdain for what other lesser mortals think. You feel yourself lifted above the masses and look down with pity and disregard on the rest of manhood. Suddenly you are not one of "them" anymore. You may not even be mortal any longer, but who is going to try and test that theory?

So I (as in "we") have decided that I am more than worthy of any love anyone choses to bestow on me and that I should never doubt the sincerity of it. It is ridiculous to think that I would deserve anything less, being of elevated stature and nature and understanding of the meaning of the word in all its nuances. I know the limits of human ability to apply it and I know also the human ability to rise to the occasion and reach greater heights in it if that is called for.

Therefor I will wait patiently, which I can afford as a royal "we," and wait and see whatever the day choses to bring me to judge my decisions on. I will be as wise as Solomon. I will be patient and mindful and merciful in my judgments and not shout hastily for the death penalty for love. I will weigh each decision on a golden balance. I will be fair.

So, now then, I am taking "us" back to bed to sleep some more and to feel quite cozy under the duvet. I'm sure to be up and about and alert when I need to be.

Ciao,
Nora

Another Monday Night.

After not having gotten quite enough sleep this weekend, I just took a large nap on the sofa and caught up on some much needed rest. I slept for over three hours, meaning that I'll just about be wide awake when I should be getting ready to go to bed in an hour or two, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. There are sleeping pills to take, after all, and one extra won't hurt me if it comes to that.

Now, I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes not typing, trying to figure out how to proceed from this point forward. Of course, I want to share all sorts of things with you, but I don't know if I can. For one thing, it won't just be me I'll be talking about and my emotions are so mixed up right now, because I've just said goodbye and that is always hard to do. Saying goodbye makes me a tougher nut to crack, and I know it does, so that colors the picture that I would be about to paint for you.

When I say goodbye to someone, I haul up the drawbridge and man the ramparts and put guards in each lookout tower. Emotionally I do that. That's to guard my feelings from a major overdose of grief. I start that process before the person has even left, but is about to, and I feel myself withdrawing behind my walls as the time to part draws nearer. I want to say many things, but I don't, and suddenly I don't like or love the person as much as I did before. I stop caring about them as much. You understand why, don't you? It's to keep from feeling hurt when they leave me. It's really a shame, because I push away all the lovely feelings I had and don't allow them to rise to the surface.

Then I pretend that I look forward to my time alone and that I will do lots of fun things when I am. Which is a load of bull, because I always fall into a little black hole after they've gone. I climb back out of it as quickly as I can, but I fall into it nevertheless. I then wait for a signal of love to come to me from the other person. It has to be an overt signal of love. It can't just be a sign of life. It has to have significant meaning or else my heart will harden and I will tighten up the chains to the drawbridge and put locks on them. Only when a significant signal has been received, do I let down my guard and allow myself to feel those lovely thoughts again. And then the process of love and anticipation can start all over again.

How's that? That's some explanation, isn't it? My heart has hardened right now and I'm ready to put those locks on, proving that I'm still the mistress of my own castle. I still have my life to live and my own value as a human being. I will do as I see fit and nothing else until I have been satisfied that I can trust my own instincts again.

Despite the late hour, I'm going to have one more cup of coffee, because I'm just a wee bit sleepy, but I am looking forward to going to bed and reading my book. Being alone isn't all bad. You do get to sleep in your own bed, for one thing. And your dog doesn't jealously watch you cuddle on the sofa.

Ciao,
Nora

Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

After seven years...

After about seven years of having a purely platonic relationship without any flirtation or any other innuendos whatsoever, J. and I became lovers this past weekend, out of the blue, with no forewarning whatsoever. I must say, it felt good to feel the arms of a man around me and to be kissed and caressed and to smell another human being from that up close. I relished it over the weekend several times and even though I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head warning me of the potential danger, I chose to ignore it and enjoyed myself.

After J. left late Sunday afternoon, I managed to get my feet closer to the ground and think about what had happened and what the implications could be. Was I ready for an intimate relationship like this and if yes, then who not better to have it with than with your best friend? I thought if I was willing to give up any of my autonomy and I thought that under certain circumstances I might be. J. was a lone wolf like myself and attached to his way of life like I was to mine and would not want to give it up, which I would not want him to. Nor would I be willing to give up my way of life for him, but he had not asked me to. As a matter of fact, we had not discussed one detail.

The next morning, I felt just a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation and decided to ask for clarity, which I did in an email. I asked him what his intentions were. If I was his girlfriend now and if we were in a relationship and if we were going to see each other more often. I knew he had the day off and expected an answer within a reasonable amount of time.

When it did not come, I started to get irritated and realized that I did not want these sort of complications in my life at all. I did not want to have to worry about what my meaning was in somebody's life and where I fit in. I did not want to wait for an answer and sit on pins and needles. I did not want to be dependent on someone else's feelings and actions and timing. I wanted to be free of all that and be an autonomous human being who was solely in charge of her life herself. In the evening I made up my mind to write an email to call the whole thing off, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself, so I called him and asked him to please respond to the email I had sent him, which he did shortly thereafter.

He wrote that he loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me, and did not see me as a partner but as a friend with extras and that he was not planning on seeing me more often. That was very clear to me then and I wrote him the email calling the whole thing off and at the same time making an end to our friendship, though it hurt me to do that.

We exchanged a few emails telling each other what fools we had been and how this had ruined a good friendship and his last one to me said that he hoped that when the storm was over maybe we could be friends again. I did not answer that one, because by now I was feeling so very bad and embarrassed for assuming so much. I have been miserable ever since.

Everything in my apartment reminds me of this past weekend and I can't put it out of my mind. I talked about it with my SPN this morning and she thought the solution was to blog about it, although J. had asked me not to do it. I didn't make a promise not to and he doesn't read my blog, so I've done it anyway. I had to get this out in the open. I can't walk around with this and not talk about it.

J. said I made an innuendo at an earlier meeting and it is true. I said I never wanted to be with another man again except if it were someone like him, because he would be perfect, but I didn't mean just for a roll in the hay and that is how he interpreted it. I guess that is what men do. I should have asked what his meaning was right away and not have assumed so much. I was caught up in the moment and the sweetness of it. I haven't been cuddled by anyone for a long time.

I have to get over this and I will do with enough rest and peace and quiet. Sleep will heal me, as it always does. I'm glad I wrote this down, it was important. I got it off my chest and that was necessary. It doesn't do me any good to speak in riddles and vagueness.

Ciao,
Nora

The middle of the night.

After I wrote my last fascinating post, I was pretty tired and after I ate a bowl of pea soup, I went to to bed, even though it was only 8:30. I fell asleep pretty quickly while reading my book, The Reading Group, with my reading glasses still perched on my nose. That's how I woke up a little after midnight with the terrible urge to get up, which I did. I anticipated it to be much later, but much to my disgust it was not and needless to say, I turned on the computer, because that's what I always do when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Luckily, there were emails to answer and since then there have been more emails. Thank goodness that I know people on both sides of the ocean and even on the opposite side of the earth. There never needs to be a dull moment. Of course, I also know people who stay up in the middle of the night like I do and they are always good for an email or two. I am extremely fond of people like that and count them amongst my best friends.

I have run out of milk and fruit juice and now only have tea or coffee to drink and the coffee with artificial creamer, which I am not too fond of. I think I will drink tea, even though it's always either too hot or too cold to drink. Too cold, because I'm waiting for it to cool off and forget about it. Then I gulp it down and that was the end of that dubious pleasure.

With all the dawdling I'm doing, the night is going by quickly and the hour hand is moving towards the morning now. I have to keep myself amused for just a while longer and I don't think that will be any problem. I have some ideas for short stories for Six Sentences and I have to work those out. I also want to look at that map of poetry I was talking about. I think there are some stories in there that are longer, but may give me some more ideas. The whole map may be a source of inspiration, as it may waken some of those old feelings that I had back then and that were very unique to the moment. Maybe it is possible to rekindle some of that specialness.

There's not a lot of poetry in my life now, nor a need to describe my life in poetic terms. I don't feel that romantic about my life, not like I did back then. I don't walk around two feet hovering above the ground with my head in the clouds. I constantly try to stay grounded now and fear that writing poetry will cause me to become unstuck. But actually it would not be a bad idea to write in a simple poetic way about my life now, as long as I don't let too much sentiment seep in. It must be possible to write rational poetry that is grounded in real life and realistic, yet pleasant to read and surprising because of its word choices and sentence structure and brevity. Yet at the same time that makes me think that what I want to write then are very short pieces of prose. It's the structure and the rhythm that determines it, I suppose.

When you find yourself constantly in the state of being in love, but the object of your affliction is always just outside your reach, it makes you live with an unrealistic state of mind. One in which you are constantly bouncing from great happiness to great sadness and these extremes of emotions awaken all sorts of latent feelings inside of you, that look for expression and inspiration in the world around you. Everything you see that is of beauty attaches itself to your feelings and magnifies them to excruciating proportions, until your heart can barely contain them and you have to give expression to them in some way that you are capable of. A painter paints, a writer writes. Painfully so, as if she is crucified and constantly dying. It's a heightened state of mind that in the end is unsustainable and there will be a near death experience.

Anyway, that's how you stop writing poetry, because it scares you to do so. but I think I'm a little bit ready to try it again, though in a totally different manner. I'll pretend I'm writing prose and make it a poem afterwards, after the fact, because I'm not Robert Frost.

Have I given away enough of myself now? Or too much? Only God may know. I'm going in search of poetry now. I hope it is as interesting as I remember it to be.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I will, because I have creative therapy, but then the groceries...oh no.

My other blog.

Ciao,
Nora

One of those nights!

I completely fell asleep on the sofa while watching the 8 pm news and didn't wake up until midnight. I felt very good when I woke up, and full of energy, and the computer was in its sleeping mode, so I woke it up and checked my emails. Well, you know, one thing leads to another and then you have to make yourself a cup of decaf and answer all your emails and that takes a little time, so before you know it, it is very late and you're still not in bed. At that point, I figured I may as well stay up a little longer and really break the night. Besides, tomorrow is Saturday morning and I don't have to go anywhere, I really officially don't have to go anywhere and I don't even have to go grocery shopping.

Actually, playing with Ubuntu has taken up a lot of my time, because I'm figuring out how everything works. I have to do it on my own and I don't have an instruction booklet, which would be mighty handy, so I just work my way through things and figure them out as I go along. Sometimes I'm stumped and sometimes it works. Sometimes the help section really helps and sometimes it doesn't. Slowly but surely I'm getting things to work, though, like the music systems, which would not play at first, but there is much more I have to work out. I'll be busy with it for a while yet.

So, I did not go to therapy today and that means that I've been home all week this week and I've had a whole week off. I'm not going to claim that it was like a vacation, because it was not enough fun for that, but at least I had a break. I become a basket case thinking about it, so I'll just say that on Monday I'll go to creative therapy and hope to talk to the head therapist then.

Well, that's quite enough of that.

Actually, I can't wait to get an extra table and chair to place in my bedroom by the window so I can start creating art there. That's what I'm really looking forward to. I'm so excited about doing that and I can't wait to go out and get the supplies. There is a store close to here called "Action" that sometimes sells art supplies at really low prices so I must go and have a look there at what they've got. I also have to remind my sister not to throw out any of the magazines she reads for the images and the texts.

A good blog friend is sending me a box of art supplies from the Sates and I can't wait for it to get here. That will be the start of it, along with some of the things I still have myself, which are scant.


The weather was beautiful today. The sun was shining all day long, but it wasn't too hot. The bike ride into town was really nice, especially when you consider that I have a good working bike now and the Exfactor had pumped up my rear tire so I really moved along well.

Some people were sitting at our table, but it looked like they were just about done and just as they were getting ready to leave, I grabbed a chair to prevent anyone else from claiming it. You have to be just a bit rude to get what you want and I wanted that table, because all the tables under the sun cover and on the square were taken. It's tourist season, so things are always busy.

Von and I had a heated discussion about love and men. Is there another subject more worthy of discussion? We both thought that falling in love was a horrible thing, but loving someone was good. Falling in love is like temporary insanity and makes you behave strangely and do odd things. Things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. Loving someone is a totally different ballgame. For one thing, you can think clearly and you don't make a big mess and you aren't blindsided by your overheated emotions.

I ordered a piece of apple pie with whipped cream with my second cup of cappuccino, figuring I had deserved it after a week of despair, but I couldn't finish it nor could I finish my cappuccino.

So, we went shopping instead, first for Von and then for me in my cheap store. We found a see through blousy top that I can wear over a sexy tank top and that Von said I should wear in my boudoir. It was only 7 Euros. I bought another set of matching bracelets to go with it, this time in reds and pinks. I just have to stop spending money on myself!

On my way home I didn't run over any pedestrians, although several made suicidal attempts by stepping of the sidewalk into the street and instead of using my bell, I still yell at them. People are so oblivious! On the way into town, people were walking in the middle of the street and I yelled at them to use the sidewalk, because it is hard enough to ride your bike over the very rough cobblestones. Yes, they get upset with me and no, I don't care. I just don't want to end up face down on the street.

I stopped by the pharmacy to get a supply of drugs, which they gladly gave me and when I rode away on my bike, my necklace broke and it is one of my favorite ones, but luckily, I noticed it and caught it in my hand before it fell in the street.

Jesker was so happy to see me. He had been laying behind the front door again. I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if we've not seen each other for ages. He's so cute.

When I was fixing my necklace, I managed to spill a whole glass of fruit juice all over the table and all over my cigarettes. Guess what I said then? You're right! I sopped it up with a towel and laid my cigarettes out to dry, which did not even taste that funny when they were. I did fix my necklace. It had broken because of the strap of my purse. It had gotten caught underneath it when I turned my head to see if there was any traffic coming. That's what happens when you wear your purse across your chest against purse snatchers.

I put on my boudoir top and walked Jesker and I wasn't propositioned once, which I think is probably for the best. You don't want to pick up men off the street.

Well, that just about was my day. I am going to try to add some photos to this post, but I have to resize them first and I don't know yet if I can do that, so we'll see.

Ciao...

Did you?

Did you ever have a night when you found yourself waking up from a sound sleep, sitting straight upright on the sofa in your bathrobe and you know you have been asleep like that for hours? Well, I did. I woke up and it was 3:30 AM and I had been asleep like that on and off since 8 PM the previous evening. I spent part of that time in a twilight zone of sleep and half awake states, during which I tried to do dangerous things like eat yogurt and smoke cigarettes.

Eating the yogurt was dangerous, because I am always tipping the glass over which is still half full when I start to nod off and the contents threaten to spill all over the area rug and the sofa. Smoking the cigarettes speaks for itself. I do have very lucid nano seconds during which I realize that I have to put the cigarette out in the ashtray before something bad happens. I figure it's my guardian angel shaking me awake to prevent me from catching on fire. I am very grateful to my guardian angel.

So, what do you do then? Well, in my case, you get up and make yourself a mug of coffee and turn on the computer and hope that there are blogs with new posts. Of course, it being Thanksgiving in the States, there weren't that many new posts and it is nighttime in Europe, so those people are all asleep. Then you amuse yourself by clicking on blogs on other peoples websites and you hope you find something interesting to read, or you go to Black Boxes, but I always seem to end up on the same blogs that I'm not interested in, so I must make the wrong choices.

Then, because your so terribly bored, you think, "I know, I'll write a very amusing and entertaining post myself!" and that is what you set out to do. Except that the part of your brain housing your humor nodule isn't quite awake yet and needs another shot of caffeine.

Actually, what is really wants is an orange juice with vodka, but that is a road we won't travel today. That's like throwing caution to the wind, and although I am all for it, I don't know how well I type when I am inebriated. I am trying to remember if I have any experience with that, I think I do, but I don't recall how well I did then. Luckily, there is always spell check to depend on.

If I'm not mistaken, today is Friday and another week has raced by like it was the Kentucky Derby. I tell you, the older you get, the faster the time goes by. Hours seem like minutes, etc. There is absolutely no sense in trying to make time slow down by savoring each moment. The minutes fly by like swallows in a storm. I can meditatively sit on the sofa or be completely be occupied behind the computer, but the result is all the same, suddenly the day is over and I feel like there should be hours left to do things in. The fact that it gets dark so early doesn't help. You do feel that the day gets done faster and that you ought to go to bed sooner, because your physical clock tells you to.

Nevertheless, time races by and a year seems to come and go in a fraction of the time it did when I was younger. I laugh at one year now, it seems like nothing, when before 3 months seemed like a lifetime. There was 3 months time between my engagement and marriage to my first husband and I didn't see him for all that time and it seemed like an eternity to me. Of course, when you are in love, days apart seem like an eternity.

The Überhund is giving me forlorn looks, whatever they are supposed to mean, it could be anything. Lately, they have mostly been about wanting another snack. He thinks he is especially deserving of them, because he is so well behaved when I put the ointment in his eyes, but also at other times. It is true, he is being a very well behaved dog and I don't know what I have done to deserve it. Maybe it is my 'I ignore you if you act that way' attitude. Thanks to having had kids, I find that I can ignore obnoxious behavior a bit easier than the Exfactor could. I tune him out if I don't want to hear him. He has learned that it doesn't work to pester me and he gives up quickly. It took us a while to get there, but we did in the end.

Well, I am going to put this not so hilarious post to bed. Just the post, mind you, not me. I am going to take my medication and take the Überhund for a walk. I never did get that humor nodule to wake up completely.

Ciao...

Yes, I do...

Yes, I do change the header picture of my blog often, but that is because I try to keep things exciting and because I have Mozilla Firefox as a browser and they have an add on called FoxSaver through which you discover the most beautiful photographs and while I browse through them, I always run into images that I can't resist and have to save and use for my blog one day. I do so love good photography and wish I could be a good photographer myself, but I am light years away from taking an image as good as the ones that I use as my header images now.

Luckily, there are people out there taking fabulous photographs and sharing them with us. I go to a site and type in the search term 'landscape' and get 83 pages filled with photographs of nothing but beautiful landscapes. By the time I get to page 15, I am saturated and have picked out 4 or 5 images that I really like. One day soon, I'll go back and continue looking and try to find those images that really blow me away. It's a great sport. I suppose that means that of all the arts, I like photography the best. That may be because it is the most accessible.

---------------

I have a confession to make. I realized these past few days that I still love the Exfactor very much. I think it is better if I tell you about it instead of walking around with this knowledge silently. It is not driving me crazy or making me have sleepless nights and I don't think we're magically going to have a reconciliation, but I would hate it very much if he disappeared out of my life.

I realized that I am not interested in any other men, but that I do care about the Exfactor a lot. I care enough so that I always look my best when I know he's coming over and I very much want to make a good impression on him when he sees me, but I don't want to start fighting for him. I mean, I am not going to go into competition with the Paramount for the Exfactor's love.

I am just going to stay me the way I am now, which is an independent, autonomous, well functioning woman who can make her own way through life. I am going to stay friendly and kind and stick to my own opinions. I don't want to win the Exfactor back and always have to worry about losing him to another woman. I would never have that sense of security again.

So, I am staying alone and solitary. Thats the best thing for me to do. It is a life I can handle most easily and it has the least amount of complications. I must keep everything as simple as possible and not clutter it up with all sorts of events and people and emotions. The Exfactor and I will have our 'divorce party' and we will invite everybody we like and have a good time and you know what they say, "Fake it until you make it."

---------------

I thought I was going to get hypomanic again after lowering my dose of anti psychotic medication, but no such thing has happened. If anything, I have been contemplative, mulling over my many sins, no doubt. Well, not that there are so many. I do try to give some thought to the ordinary every day things that make up the many moments of my life and how to get them all running smoothly. Not everything is in my hands, but I have to catch the ball as it is played to me. I need to pay attention to those things and keep my head in order.

On Tuesday, I have to go to a hearing about my objection about not having been paid welfare over the month of July. I think the deck is stacked against me, but I'll give it my best shot. The system doesn't work for the little people, it works against them. Its duty is to torment you as much as possible, not to care for you when you most need it. It's called the hardening of society and it all started with the era of Reagan and Thatcher. Whatever happens in America and Britain, happens in Western Europe as well.

The tax people didn't call, so I have to call them back. I tried to do that Friday afternoon, but they said I couldn't call until Monday. Strict rules to live by! Don't ever try to circumvent the system. Even when you don't know that you are.

I ordered cat and dog food on line, guaranteed to be there within 48 hours, that's great, but I got an email saying the cat food would be delayed and that is exactly what I need the most.

Do I sense a lessening of faith in government institutions and on line cat food sellers?

I do so love it when people do exactly what they said they would, but nowadays I have come to expect that they will not. I consider it almost normal that I have to go into action because things are not done according to plan.

Well, enough of that. I've bared my soul. Treat it gently.

Ciao...