A 'normal' post...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette waiting to get tired enough so I can go back to bed. Of course, the coffee will keep me awake, so I better switch to a glass of milk. I felt obligated to drink what was left in the coffee pot, but of course I don't have to. I'm still in charge here and I can pour the contents of my coffee cup down the drain. That's easy enough. 

I've made up the bed in the guest room with my duvet and pillows and bed linens and started sleeping there because I like that room better than the room I was sleeping in. I never did get used to that big room as my bedroom. I always felt a bit lost in there and I think the dog didn't feel as comfortable there either. 

Now I have the pleasure of sleeping on a new mattress in a room I like better and I'm happy with the change. The mattress is much better than my old one and is much kinder to my body. I wake up without aches and pains in the morning. 

The dog sleeps on the floor beside the bed because there's carpet in that room and he even ignores his pillow that's also available. At least he doesn't sleep on top of me on the bed anymore and I do appreciate the extra space. The cat still likes to get on the bed, but she's just a little thing and doesn't take up much room. 

I had taken a lot of personal items out of that bedroom, but now I feel like making it cozier again and I'm thinking of ways to do that without making it look too cluttered. I also don't want it to turn into a dust trap. There's a fine line between adding some well placed items and putting down too much.

I have taken two valerian tablets and feel myself getting mellow. I've only got a few left and I think it's time to invest in some Dr Vogel natural sleep remedy tablets. I'll have to investigate online and see what's available.It may be a natural product, but I still want to know if it's sensible to use and how to use it. 

My sister and I are supposed to go to a street festival tomorrow, but I heard on the weather forecast that it's going to rain a lot. We're still waiting for summer to happen and it's almost July. At least we're not in danger of having a heatwave.

Ciao,
Irene

Internal combustion...

There really is a difference between taling my sleeping pills and not taking them. Without them I am less likely to inhabit higher spheres in the middle of the night. I also have less of a fantasy and I notice that when I try to write a blog post. I wax less poerically when I'm not under the influence of a barbiturate. In other words, I don't think I write as well when I am stone cold sober. 

That does mean I won't write a long, drawn out, epic blog post that is about nothing at all. I won't write just for the sake of writing, although there will always be some of that. I do enjoy my writer's role and do believe in the power of the word. But I do want to have something of significance to say. The words can't just be a means to fill the page. 

I can get a bit philosophical here and talk about the purpose of blog posts at all, but all I will tell you is that in my case they serve the purpose of alowing me to air my thoughts. In the process of airing my thoughts, things become clearer to me because it's like speaking out loud or having a conversation in which you get answers. I look at myself think and put things in order. 

It's better than having a talk with my therapist because she only causes confusion with her analysis. I resist her attempts at making me a patient and more than anything want to be an ordinary human being with all the facets that are attached to that. I do insist on that and refuse to be anything else.

Now I've got to finish sleeping. To dream, per chance. I know I will do that, there's no doubt about it. They will be the most fantastic and out of the ordinary dreams. 

Ciao,
Irene

I'm just lucky...

I suppose it's a good thing that I get up in the middle of the night also when I am in a more "normal" mood than I  have been during the day. You wouldn't think there was anything wrong with me now compared to yesterday when I had such a struggle with myself. I do seem like a totally different person now, except by all appearances I still look the same. I just don't have that crazed look in my eyes. 

I don't know why I had such a hard time yesterday and it seems very odd now looking back on it. It was a little bit like being stuck in a bad dream. Looking back on it now it feels like I was a little bit crazy for a while and I wonder if I'm going to be it again today. At least I will have this post to look back on to remind me that I can also be perfectly normal. Whatever that's supposed to be but you get my drift.

I wonder if part of the problem was that I had slept through the night and didn't at all get up to sit behind the computer and have my usual cups of coffee. I slept through the night and woke up at a decent time in the morning and from that point on never did get the day right. That's a complete departure from my usual schedule and it may have upset my equilibrium. I'm that easily disturbed. 

I don't do well with change and as a rule like everything to be the same and predictable. I normally don't like changes in my schedule and do like to plan everything ahead of time. That's why I don't like to make long airplane flights because the differences in time upset me. I generally like to stay put. 

I didn't always used to be this way but I have gotten so as I got older and more set in my ways. I guess I'm less flexible now and don't adapt as quickly. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here now and realize that I can enjoy these quiet hours of the night before I have to go back to bed. I don't have to get up at a particular time in the morning, although I do have a couple of chores to do before the domestic help gets here early in the afternoon. I won't worry about that too much and assume those will get done and she'd be the first to forgive me if they weren't. I will make the effort however.

I have many dishes to wash because I have used every plate that was in the cupboard. That's never happened before but it's what happens when you don't get around to your usual jobs. I've also only got one tall glass left to drink milk from. So you see, that's a high priority chore. The more I put it off, the less I felt like doing it. I will plunge head deep into it in the morning. I will be up to my elbows into the suds. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you're either sleeping or otherwise amusing yourselves. 

Ciao,

Irene

The proper mood...

I've been sitting here for a while trying to get in the right mood to write a post. I was feeling very grumpy and could not think of a nice thing to write. I knew I would have to change my attitude because I didn't want this to tunr into one great lament. I had to do a bit of self analysis and drink a glass of ice cold milk. I think I've got the attitude problem sorted out and the milk has made me feel a lot better too.

Just as easily as I can get very optimistic, I can also get into a total funk. It is usually short lived but intense. There is usually a reason for it because it's about something that's bothering me a lot and something that I really need to rant about. Since I don't have that possibility, I have to work it out on my own. I have a mini storm rage inside of me but at a certain point it boils down to a mild simmer and then I don't feel so bad anymore. 

After wrestling with this particular issue, I'm left feeling very tired and I really want to go back to bed and sleep. I will postpone that a little while and finish this post.I don't have an appointment until 1:30 pm and I have enough time to sleep. This appoinment is to practice relaxation and breathing techniques and it's something completely new for me.

Well, that's not true. I do know relaxation techniques and do apply them but not on a regular enough basis. I do know how to get back in the moment very well but there are crucial times when I forget. It has to become second nature. 

I will be a perfect human being yet.

I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. 

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Irene

After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

Rain again...

Every evening it rains but luckily it does so after I have taken the dog for a walk. Well no, it was raining a bit when I took him this evening but we didn't get wet too badly. All it took was a bt of a rub with a towel to get us dry again. The dog does enjoy that. He comes running when he sees the towel and very willingly stands and gets rubbed dry all over. It's much easier now that his fur is cut so short. 

It's raining harder now and I think we got back inside just on time. It doesn't really rain during the day and I suppose the rain in the evening is good for nature and the farmers. I haven't heard anything about it on the news. There's usually some news about the water level in the rivers also but I haven't heard anything about that either. Maybe the snow in the Alps hasn't melted yet. 

I have had a quiet day in which I have done nothing but contemplate my navel a lot and it has been most peaceful. I was not bored for one minute but enjoyed sitting in my armchair and letting the time slowly go by without feeling that I had to fill it with activity. It was enough just to sit and exist and be aware of that. 

I also took a nap and got up late in the morning. I still enjoy sleeping. It's one of my favorite hobbies. I fall asleep within a minute after putting my head down on the pillow and don't remember a thing after that. I usually wake up quite refreshed unless I'm grumpy like I was yesterday. But that was the exception to the rule. 

The dog sleeps on the bed with me because there's linoleum in that bedroom and no carpeting. He doesn't sleep on the big pillow that's beside the bed. He never really did get used to it. The linoleum is too cold to sleep on, although he may appreciate in the summertime when it is hot. 

I can't imagine hot temperatures now but I am looking forward to them. This Saturday it's supposed to get up to 24C degrees and we won't know what hit us. That will be the warmest it has been since last year. 

I've got just a few cigarettes left and no tobacco. The empty package is in the trash bag. I will smoke these cigarettes and then put on a nicotine patch. I'm ready for the challenge. At least I know from experience what lies ahead of me. It's not the first time that I quit after all. 

Tomorrow morning I've got an appointment to get my hair cut. I'm looking forward to it very much. I'm purposely not going to wash my hair so it will have to be done there. That's part of the pleasure. I do want the full treatment. 

It's been more than six weeks since I've had it cut last and it's more than time. I do have to use an awful lot of hairspray to keep my hair in place now and it does make it sticky. It looks good when it's in place but a hurricane wouldn't blow it apart. 

I've got to eat before the news comes on. It's time to nourish the body. I just have to decide what sort of food I'm going to have. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Drinking genuine coffee...

There's nothing that perks you up as well as drinking a freshly brewed cup of coffee. It makes a tremendous amount of difference with a cup of instant coffee which doesn't seem to do a lot for me in comparrison. I had forgotten what it was like to drink a freshly brewed cup of coffee and what it did for me but I'm glad I'm having the experience now. It has improved my mood tremendously and I haven't felt as good since the old coffeemaker died.

The Exfactor was kind enough to bring me the new coffeemaker yesterday because he didn't want me to drink the instant coffee any longer and thought I shouldn't have to wait until Friday when he is coming over next. I sure do appreciate that. It's the seemingly little things in life that make the most difference and that make you the most happy. You can savor them and be truly glad that you've got them. 

In that same manner I'm enjoying the newly trimmed dog who looks so different and who I have to keep looking at with a smile. He's taken on a whle new appearance and it's like I took a new dog home from the trim salon. I know he's the same dog because he shows the same amount of adoration if not more so because he thought I had abandoned him forever there. We're bonding up a storm and are like a newly wed couple and inseperable. I had missed him for the time he was gone. So had the cat. 

I'm now drinking a tall glass of ice cold milk to quench my thrist and to get over the high of the coffee. I do have to settle down again because I have to go back to bed again in a while. It's with some mixed feelings that I look forward to that because I'm wide awake but I'll soon start yawning and be more ready to go.

After having had things on the program for the past three days, I have nothing going on tomorrow and I can sleep as late as I want. It's also with mixed feelings that I look forward to that. I'd like to sleep late but actually doubt if I will having gotten used to waking up early. I won't know what to do with myself and hope I can find some household chores to do.

We're supposed to have periods of rain  and it won't be all that warm, but rain was promised yesterday too and not much came of it. There were some splatters and that was about it. We don't always get a lot of the weather down here in the south that the rest of the country gets.

I've finished my milk and will be off to my bed now. The dog has been out back twice in the time I've sat here. I think the second time was just for amusement but I couldn't be sure. Sometimes he has legitimate reasons. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Irene

An undetermined mood...

I'm actually still yawning from the long nap I took this afternoon and the cup of coffee I just had has not made much of an impact yet. I guess I didn't make it strong enough and the second cup will have to pack a punch. That's why my mood is still undetermined and I have no idea of how I'm put together yet. I think right now I'm mostly grumpy but I'll try to get over that as quickly as I can and you can all be witness to it. Watch a metamorphosis take place. 

I must be in one of those cycles that I need a lot of sleep because I have not gotten a shortage of it for the last 24 hours. It seems that I can't get enough of it. I even slept on the sofa for an hour while I was waiting for the domestic help to get here. When she did, I was so comatose that I could hardly talk to her. So much for my conversational skills that usually don't let me down. But right now I'd rather sleep than do almost anything else and that includes eating, although that doesn't say much. 

The sun has been shining a lot today but it hasn't actually been a warm day. I did have to wear my winter coat when I went out and I've had the heater on for most of the day. I do have to admit that I get cold quickly and I seem to be allergic to the cold. I was definitely meant to live in a warmer climate. But at least the sun was out and it did cheer things up. Of course, the world is a lot greener and that does make things look a lot more cheerful too.

I do appreciate the fact that I have to go out a couple of times a day to walk the dog because otherwise I would not be aware of how quickly nature is changing right now. It's thé opportunity for me to be out regularly and see how green the trees are becoming and how many dandelions there are growing in the grass. The lowly dandelion does have its place in nature too. 

There, I've become sensible and wide awake again and I never did have that second cup of coffee. I had two glasses of cold milk instead. I was very thirsty and slightly hungry too. That milk took care of that. 

I can now move on to the next chapter and that is to take my medicines and take the dog for a walk. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

What's the rush anyway?

I've already been sleep but the dog woke me up by licking my hands and my face, He knows that's a surefire way of waking me up, it works every time. I think he does it when he his bored of being all by himself and wants some company. He didn't have to go out anyway. 

So here I am sitting with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is raining like it has a lot today. No doubt we need it because it hasn't rained a lot lately. It is a gentle rain and not coming down in buckets. That is some relief. And at least it isn't very cold outside. 

I have been eating the Greeks yoghurt that I bought for my sister. It is delicious and I think I'm hooked on it. It is so thick that you can set a spoon straight up in it. I eat it with brown sugar like she does and I can heartily recommend it. I like it at least as much as I like vanilla pudding and that is saying a lot. I don't know how many calories there are in it, I think there must be a lot, but it is worth every bite. I'm sure it's very good for you too. 

I've also got the drink yoghurt that I usually never buy in raspberry flavor. I will be having that next. I'm looking forward to it. I actually wish I had buttermilk to drink and I will have the Exfactor buy that the next time he goes grocery shopping which will be tomorrow as a matter of fact. The timing couldn't be better. 

I took the dog out for walks in the rain today and we did get wet which the dog didn't mind at all. I didn't either because I was dressed for it. We didn't get overly wet and I dried the dog off with a towel when we got home. He did enjoy that but I get the top half of him more dry than the bottom half. That's as much as he was able to co-operate. 

When I was done drying him, he was one mess of little curls which made him look very smart. I wish I could say the same for my hair, but it just stayed as straight as it always was.  Things are divided unequally in this world. Of course, people with curly hair want straight hair. Having straight hair, I just don't understand that. 

The cat stayed inside for most of the day and every once in a while had the crazy half hour when she ran through the living room using the furniture as an obstacle course and daring the dog to join in. That's when she must have had cabin fever. If she did, she brought it on herself. The rest of the time she slept on my bed and was unmovable. I could sit on her before she got out of the way.

I dreamed that I was having a pro-war argument with some bleeding heart liberals in British English which I spoke with a lisp. I argued that there was reason to fight for a cause and that there was reason to go out on a mission at night to seek and kill your enemy. I spoke very heatedly about this with much passion. When I woke up from my dream, I was convinced that I was right. I don't know how I feel about this now. 

I will now go and find some other way to amuse myself. It isn't time to go back to bed yet. I'm sure I can think of many things to do. There are usually all sorts of ways to get into trouble and I am bound to find them. I get bored easily enough with the status quo to want to change it. Watch me do it now.

Gave a good night you all.

Ciao,

Irene

Running in a lower gear...

I'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night. For some reason I am more tired and sleepy. It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it. He had to go out back, of course. 

At least he doesn't have any accidents inside anymore. There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning. He no longer fouls his own nest. Thank goodness for small favors. 

I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat, though I'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do.I guess this is not my lucky night. I mustn't despair, though. I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet. Anything is still possible. 

I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things. Even more so than during the daytime. You'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then. Now I´m sitting here yawning. 

I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world, but that´s just very personally speaking.

It doesn´t take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick. The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones. He is sending her to a gastroenterologist. 

I do worry about her and I think this news, that I got today, weighs heavy on my mind. I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it, although I had my doubts. I think she did too.

Now that I shared this with you, I feel a little bit lighter. I had not realized how much this was bothering me. I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible. I want to spoil her as much as I can. That speaks for itself, of course. 

At least I know now why I don´t have my usual get up and go. I can take that into account. I must cheer up and be more lively. It will not do to be down in the dumps. It doesn´t help anyone. 

Right, I will now pour myself a glass of ice cold milk and pull myself up by my socks. And I do have some sleeping left to do. I will take care of that also.

Ciao,

Irene

I don't think I'll do that...

I opened the flatpacks that the dresser came in with some muscle power. They were very well closed and I had to rip them open. It said not to use a knife and I was obedient. Inside them were a myriad of different parts that had to be put together and a hundred different screws and nuts to do it with. 

There was also an instruction booklet of quite a few pages. 

Now, I know I'm smart enough to tackle the job, but I looked at all the screws and nuts and at my measly little screwdriver and thought, "Forget it, this is a job for the Exfactor!" 

He is supposed to be here tomorrow anyway to do it, and he is bringing his electric screwdriver, so the job will be much easier for him with my able help. I think two can do a better job than one at any rate. We will have it done in no time at all. And, oh yes, it also requires a hammer. That sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I had some spare time on my hands and that's why I considered putting the dresser together, but in the end it was the domestic help who needed my spare time. 

You see, she is almost three months pregnant and in need of a older, wiser listening ear and one with humor. So I had to do my best to cheer her up and make her see the sunny side of pregnancy. I think I succeeded to some extent. 

I'm very capable of being wise and funny simultaneously when I have to help out young pregnant women. I used to be one myself and I know what they need to hear. It seems to me that she's surrounded by doomsday thinkers who tell her horror stories. Someone needed to make her feel good. 

I can't stand people who don't think and say whatever enters their head. You know the kind. They try to be funny while being knuckleheaded with no regard to the person they're being it to. The unwise and the unkind people. The dumb people. Lord save us from them all. 

I feel very protective toward people who I cnsider as falling under my care and start to take things personally when I think they aren't being treated properly in some way. I feel it is my duty to do something about it and be their advocate. At least be their Mother Confessor where they can go and unload their psyches.

I would run interference if they asked me to and give someone a black eye if it came to that, although by nature I'm a non-violent person. Well, I think I am, I won't guarantee it. 

I might have been a fierce warrior in the late Bronze Age. 

In the meantime I'm sitting here looking at the clock because in a little while I have to take the dog for a walk. The sun is shining but it's a little bit cold outside. This morning there was frost on the cars and the fields. 

It's been a great day, although I haven't had enough sleep. I've had enough coffee and that's what has kept me going. It's the caffeine that is making me so wise and brave.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

Surprisingly...

to my surprise it is evening again already, although the sun is still shining brightly in the sky. Now why do you think that is? Isn't that a nice effect from daylight savings time? I think that was the whole purpose, wasn't it? Or is this just the way it is supposed to be always? I am very confused. I better not think about that too much. I may damage my brain. I haven't had enough coffee for that. 

I took a nap, but I also think that my sleepiness is a side effect from the tranquilizers and I think I'm going to try and skip the one I take in the afternoon and see if maybe I don't get as sleepy then. It isn't all that great to get so calm that it makes you want to go take a nap. It does make me feel oh so tired. I feel like lying down all over the place and I have no energy to do anything. I think that's not quite the purpose behind them. 

It was another lovely day with lots of sunshine and pleasant enough temperatures, although it isn't really that warm yet. It just feels that way to us deprived people. We aren't used to anything. I've got the windows open on a crack, but I do feel a bit of a draft and it's a bit chilly. I'll have to put on my bathrobe over my clothes if I want to keep myself warm enough. I do so dislike being uncomfortable. 

Today I wanted to be on the beach of a tropical island in my bikini with a fruity cocktail in my hand. To me that seemed like the ultimate bliss. I would really like to feel the warm sunshine and the equally warm wind on my body. I would like to be warm all over. If I had to, I would find the shade of a palm tree, but at least it would still be pleasant. I would get a terrific tan and swim in the perfectly clear blue sea and eat delicious fish from the ocean that was grilled over an open fire.

A woman can dream, can't she? There are people doing this right now. 

I mustn't spend too much time fantasizing, although a little bit of it is okay. In your imagination you can do many interesting things and make your ordinary life more fun. When I was in Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, the circumstances were nice enough to make me think I was in a tropical place and I got a good taste of it and will never forget the experience. I can remember it whenever I need to escape in my head and I have more memories like that. 

What I most miss is being warm. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner and make something hot to drink. That should warm my cold bones. I act like it is a cold day in winter. I must be getting old. 

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Being sensible...

I suppose that a lot of times it's difficult to do the thing that's best for you and you choose the thing that is the most agreeable. I should be sleeping right now and I have been to bed. I spent two hours there, but I didn't sleep, so I got up again and made myself some coffee because I knew that would put me in an excellent mood. I wanted to enjoy the wee hours of the night while I was in this good mood and I was not disappointed because I am. 

I have the alarm clock set for five hours from now and at this rate I'm not going to get a lot of sleep at all. I'm not worrying a lot about that now and I will see what happens when the time comes. I will deal with the difficulties as they arise. No doubt I will be taking a nap later on in the day if I don't want to run into the inevitable problems. 

I was in too good a mood when I went to bed and didn't feel at all sleepy. I went there out of a sense of responsibilty. It was late so I had to go to sleep. I was not nearly done being awake and active and was not in the mood to slow down. I thought lying down in my bed would get me in the proper mood, but it didn't work out that way. You know about best laid plans...

I have been having a slight migraine since this afternoon. It gets worse if I move my head around or bend over, so I avoid doing those things. Sometimes I forget and do them anyway. I haven't had a real migraine in a very long time. I do have a history of them when I was younger. I remember spending lots of time in darkened rooms. I don't know why I should have one now. It's a mystery to me. I've got to put paracetamol on the shopping list.

I suppose I'll go to bed now and try to get a few hours of sleep. I must be sensible sometimes. I do feel a little bit of pressure to do the right thing.

Have a good day everyone. Enjoy the week. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

And then there is sleep...

I had forgotten again how much good sleep does to restore my mind. I was quite distraught last night and my feelings were all over the place. I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do about it. Luckily, some little voice in me told me to go to bed and I did. It was still rather early and I slept until some time in the middle of the night when I got up again. 

I felt fairly normal then and could think straight again, but toward the morning the stress started building up again and I thought I was going to have another tough day. Fortunately, I had the bright idea to go back to bed where I slept until noontime and I woke up feeling quite refreshed.

I've been up and functioning for a while now and I still feel good, so that is a good sign. As soon as I start to feel the stress build up again, I will go back to sleep because I think I have to catch up on it after so many days of rapd cycling. Right now I won't worry about when I sleep, but that I sleep. That seems to be the most important thing. 

Since it is Sunday today, I will really consider this to be my day off and that also means a day off from worries which have a tendency to stack up in my mind when I'm not in the hypo-manic stage. When I'm not in the stage of denial, but in the stage of doomsday thinking. That's what happens when you go from one extreme to another. You pick apart each little thing and worry it to death, not seeing the forest for the trees anymore. 

The higher being did create this day as a day of rest and I will honor it in that way by leaving a lot of things undone. I will pretend that I can't do a thing about them right now and enjoy the peace and serenity the day can bring. That means I will contemplate my navel and think only wise things. It will be a major time out. 

Whatever happens, I will end up with a nice guest room and it is about time it came about. I have been living with that spare bedroom as a junk room for a long enough time. I'm excited about having a bedroom that I can use for the occasion if someone wants to spend the night. It's been a major drawback not to have that and to always have to apologize for the state of it. 

I'm not too concerned about smoking again. Apparently it's not meant to be that I quit right now. The circumstances make it too difficult. I will have to wait for a better opportunty. My therapist had warned me that it is difficult for bipolar people to quit smoking because of the mood changes. I thought it would be much easier than that and had not anticipated the influence of them. It's spending the money on the tobacco that bothers me the most. 

Because I got up so late, it's halfway through the afternoon now and I think I will get dressed and take the dog for a walk. He has only been out back so far and has been waiting patiently. He is a good dog. 

I hope you all have a good, peaceful Sunday. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

The reward system...

I had a busy day and want to reward myself for it. Of course, my mind thinks of a cigarette as if that is the only way I can reward myself for a day well spent. Why in the world would I even need a reward for it? Would it be to congratulate myself because it all went well? That's possibly the reason, but I've got to think of a better way to make myself feel good. 

I had to go to Specsavers at 10 am to pick up my varifocal glasses, so I rode my bike into town very leisurely and did that. They had to be adjusted to fit my head properly and I had to take one of the eye tests over again because I had not received the letter from the eye doctor and they were afraid that I had got lost in the system.

These varifaocals are well made and I have no problems with them like I did with the other ones. I had to tilt my head with the other ones because the lenses hadn't been put in the frame right. Since I hardly ever wore them, this was not much of a problem, but it's nice to have a pair of properly fit ones. I do wear these constantly now and have been complimented on them already. 

I ate a sausage roll at the Hema department store and made it just on time for my appointment with my therapist at 11 am. There we discussed my regular forrays into hypomania and how to best get through them and my acceptance of my illness which is not complete. I do feel embarrassment about it and try to make everything look better to the outside world than it is. 

Next, I had an appointment with my psychistrist about my medication, but I told him to leave everything just the way it is now, please. If we were to start juggling with my pills, I could really get into trouble because I'm already rapid cycling and that would make it worse. Luckily, he agreed with me and we made another appointment for two weeks from now to keep a finger on the pulse. 

After that, I had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and to try and return an unused box of nicotine patches, but I was unsuccessful with that. They don't buy back any medication that you've had at home and can't sell it either. It's a law apparently. So, I'm stuck with them, much to my disgust. 

When I got home, I realized that the dog had the beginning of an eye infection, so I took him to the vet and he did some tests and gave me some ointment for his eye. I have to put some in twice a day and the dog is really good about it.

Then I took a nap. 

In a little while I have to call my older sister whose blood tests results came back abnormal and who very suddenly had to have an echo made of her liver and the rest of her stomach. I do worry about her. She's been having physical complaints for some time. Because she has so much stress in her life, she thought that this was the cause of them. I wish I was there with her and could go to the doctor with her. 

I've got to get a lot of sleep. I have to catch up on what I didn't get when I was hypomanic.I feel like sleeping a lot and would like nothing better than get into bed and sleep some more. I have to put it off for a while, though. I still have to eat dinner too. 

I've discovered a new way to get the dog to stop bothering the cat. It works full proof. One day when I'm not so tired, I'll tell you about it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Unbelievably so...

Spring is here. I´ve seen the proof of it all over the place today when I was out taking the dog for his long walks. I paid close attention to everything in nature and saw green buds and new shoots on hedges and rose bushes and other plants. I also saw lots of bulb plants popping out of the ground and I saw my first tulips blooming. 

There were perennials that had new leaves and weeds underneath the hedges that were multiplying. There were even new daisies in the grass. Once I started looking carefully, there turned out to be new life everywhere. What at first had seemed like bare gardens, turned out to be places full of promise of things to come. I´m thrilled to pieces. 

Because the weather was also decent, it was a pleasure to be out there and I made the walks longer than I had planned to. The dog is just going to have to get used to it. We´ll keep going out there and making longer rounds all the time. There´so much to discover and enjoy. I do have to bend over bushes and plants regularly to inspect them for new growth. It´s not always obvious right away, whle with some others it´s clear to see. 

I´m so thrilled that today I saw these signs of spring because now I know that it´s really on its way and that we´re moving in the right direction. It is March, after all and not much bad weather can hit us now. I´m full of hope. My good mood can´t be beat and I will keep being upbeat now untill the end of the summer, even well into the fall. I´ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

For me this means the liberation from winterrtime and it will really be complete when we set the clocks ahead one hour on the weekend of the 24th.  That will mean that it will stay light longer in the evening and I´m all for that. It means taking the dog for longer walks then too. The poor dog does have to walk a lot. 

I actually still get very sleepy and groggy during the day. I solve that with drinking coffee and taking naps. If I drink coffee and then go for a walk with the dog, it serves me well. I get lots of energy out of that. Taking a nap is a nice option too, but I don´t always want to do that. It´s okay in the morning when I haven´t slept enough yet anyway., but I don´t want to waste the rest of the day on them. 

I know I should go for a walk now, but I´m too tired to go and besides, I´m wearing my bathrobe and am nice and warm. The dog will have to go out back. 

Oh, in the morning that bird is back singing its beautiful song. It´s a long song and it takes a while for it to get through it. It sings it with a little bit of variation the whole early morning. It´s like it´s having a monologue. It sure is pretty.  I can´t see the bird, so I have no idea what it looks like. 

Oh, I just did some research and I found out that it is the European Blackbird or the Turdus Merula. If you look it up on YouTube you can hear its song. Mine just sounds so much better. He must be a pro. Maybe he speaks the local dialect. 

Well, I´ve sat here long enough and wasted my time. I´ve done other things while I was supposed to be writing this. You can´t trust me to stick to the job at hand. I´m now listening to the soundtrack of a rainstorm. It is very pleasant to listen to, though I have to say that I´m very glad that it´s not raining like that outside. It would be good to fall asleep to, though. 

I just had some whole grain bread with butter. It was a joy to eat, but I´m awfully full. I won´t be able to eat or drink anything for quite a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Irene´s Dutch Diva Blog.

The lack of nicotine....

I want to write a cohesive post, but I find it very difficult to. It's like the lack of nicotine is preventing me from writing down anything that's sensible.

I haven't worn a nicotine patch since Tuesday when I discovered I could do without them and not miss the nicotine. It's true, I don't. I've had a peaceful time ever since and am amazed that this is so. 

I'm so peaceful today that I can't seem to really wake up and keep having to go back to bed to sleep some more.

I'm having some coffee to prevent me from falling asleep behind the computer. 

It's not working very well. 

Anyway...

Yesterday I had my hair cut and I had to promise to never let my hair grow again. I did and left the shop with a great haircut that looks quite perky on me. It's very easy to take care of hair and a breeze to wash and dry. 

I've already written down in my agenda when I should make the next appointment. I'm not going to make the mistake of walking around with a grown out haiircut. 

Oh yes, I remembered. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I almost forgot. I did start to sound like I was trying to be a perfect person, wasn't I? And I'm allowed to make all the mistakes I want. What's going to happen if I do anyway? The world's not going to come to an end. 

Jeez! I'm even perfect in being imperfect. 

So, I don't know why I don't need the nicotine patches. Maybe it's because I only smoked for such a short time. I will have to take the nicoltine patches I have left back to the pharmacy to see if I can get back my money. I have one full box that's not been opened yet. 

In my enthusiasm, I bought two weeks worth of patches. Dumb!

I only used them one day.

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Early on Wednesday morning...

I haven't slept much yet, but have been up half the night, sitting behind the computer, eating slices of bread with peanut butter. Mmm, good. That's to compensate for the cigarettes I'm not smoking. The bread with peanut butter does give me a feeling of satisfaction for a long time and I forget all about wanting to smoke. It takes the frustration out of me. 

Actually, I'm not having such a bad time because this is the second time I'm quitting in a very short time and I know what I'm doing. I've become a bit of a pro at quitting smoking. I know the pitfalls. 

The most important thing is to keep busy and to make sure there are not too many boring moments. It helps to sit behind the computer and to pretend I'm doing all sorts of interesting things. A lot of times I do, but sometimes I'm just sitting here day dreaming. As long as I keep my hand on the mouse it feels like I'm engaged in an activity. 

I'm going to call the hairdresser today because I've decided that I'm not going to let my hair grow long. It's at that very awkward stage now and I think I look ridiculous half of the time. I don't see much merit in letting it grow longer and having to sryle it the way it would look nice or how I would be happy with it. I want it all away from my face, so I may as well have it cut short again.

As it is now, I have to use a lot of hairspray and even then my hair doesn't stay in place. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment today. That's why I want to call over there first thing at 9 am. I assume someone will be there then. I'll be much happier with shorter hair. I just know it. And you know, once I get something in my head, it has to happen as soon as possible. 

I sure am a boring person without cigarettes. I'm like dull Jane sitting here behind the computer. I've even made more coffee to liven myself up with. Mostly I've been sitting here caught in thought and not even thinking anything of importance. I'm so easily distracted from what I'm doing. It's one way to spend the early morning hours. 

Every minute spent day dreaming is one in which I don't think about smoking. 

It's starting to get light out and the day will officially begin. If I'm smart, I will take the dog for a walk early. It will be good to get the first fresh air and to be out there before anybody else is.

Have yourself a wonderful day. 

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Gosh darned dog...

Yeah, he woke me up again out of a sound sleep. Who said a dog is a woman's best friend? I see no evidence of it tonight. Sure, he´s sound asleep now on the sofa, but he should have been half an hour ago when I was still sound asleep in my bed. I´m not amused. 

I´m having a cup of coffee so I can think clearly and make sense. I´m not having a cigarette, though at this moment I do wish for one. That´s how frustrated I am. I will get over it, though, without smoking because that will be the last thing I´ll do. The other night I dreamed I smoked a cigarette and when I woke up, I felt as bad as if I had had one. That will cure you of your desire for one. 

Tonight I laid down in bed and did breathing exercises. I breathed in and out as deeply as I could without getting dizzy. I did a fairly good job at that and much better than I have in the past, showing marked improvement. I do think my lung capacity is improving.

I´m greatly relieved that the weekend is over and don´t ever let me make the claim that I like the weekends. I will be highly misguided if I do. They are a horror to get through. Somehow I manage it because I must, but don´t ask me how. I took many naps and they saved my life. I would not be sane if I had not taken them.

I think I´m grumpy because I´ve quit smoking. There is no other explanation. I´m almost constantly in a bad mood. I don´t find much joy in anything.

I have to go back to bed and hope that the dog lets me sleep now. I hope he doesn´t get it in his head to wake me up again. I do so need my sleep. 

Thank god that tomorrow is Monday. It will be a normal day again and there will be people here. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora