Saturday, March 31, 2012


I'm happy to report that the medication for my headache is working well and that as long as I take it on time, I am pain free. It is really an anti-inflammatory medicine and I take one pill every eight hours and that is just good enough. I can't tell you what a relief it is not to be in pain anymore and to be able to move around normally. It's just plain wonderful. 

I'm so glad I went to the doctor and that he figured out so quickly what the problem was. I think he deserves a medal for that. That's how grateful I am. I could still be walking around in pain and I shudder at the thought. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee having just woken up from a sound sleep in my new bedroom. The dog howled once and that was enough to immediately awaken me.I was a little confused about my whereabouts but soon figured it out. I was not in Kansas anymore but in the bedroom that had until just the day before been the junk room. 

The domestic help had cleaned it and you could literally eat off the floor. It was all the more obvious that the room needed painting, but now I know that the whole apartment does and it's going to be a big job that I'm not ready to tackle yet. I don't know when I will be able to and I think It;s going to take a small army to do the job. Either that, or a professional painter. I'll have to see how expensive that is. 

The domestic help is a peach. She didn't bat an eye when I asked her if she could clean the bedroom but was enthusiastic right away. She did a great job and when I asked her to help me move the furniture, she was more than eager to help and we worked as a great team together. She doesn't have to do that kind of work at all, but she likes to do me favors. We get along well.

After she left, I added some decorative touches to the room. I have a vase with lighted branches on a high plant stand and I strung up some fairy lights on the shelf system in the corner by the window to make it look cozy and festive. I added items to the bookcase along one wall and hung up a painting above it. I've got the dog's cushion beside my bed and the dog and the cat on my bed where they think they rightfully belong. 

The Exfactor came later in the afternoon but he didn't put the furniture together for the guest room. He had gone to work at seven o'clock in the morning and didn't have the energy left to do it. I could excuse him for that. He's going to do it on Monday or Tuesday and I will wait patiently. I have no other choice to tell you the truth. My sister can't help because she'll be in Italy. I may try to do it by myself, I'll see. It may be a two person job but I may be able to do it on my own. 

I'm having hot flashes as I sit here and I do think I'm too old for those. My fingers are swollen up too. My hormones must be off balance. I've got to blame it on something. 

I hope you're all havng a good night.


Friday, March 30, 2012

A pain in the neck...

I've got a very cramped up muscle in my neck. The doctor says that it is what's causing my headche. He says it is as tight as a drum and as hard as a rock. He was testing my neck to see what hurt the most and believe me, I found out. It was very painful. 

He wanted to send me to physical therapy but that's no longer covered by my health insurance, so he gave me exercises to do instead. I've also gotten a pain killer that should work well and I have to stay very warm and keep my neck protected from any cold drafts. 

Since the weather had gotten worse, the first thing I did when I got home was close all the windows and turn the heater on. Then I got a scarf off the coat rack and wrapped it around my neck and I haven't taken it off yet. It's actually kind of fortunate that the weather turned bad because now I have an excuse to wear warmer clothes and have the heater turned on. 

It's good to know what's wrong because in my effort to protect myself from the pain from the headache, I was making all the wrong moves. This was actually making the situation worse, I realize now. Now that I know what's wrong, I can take the fact that it's a problem in my neck into account and move differently. The pain killer also helps and makes it easier to move my head and neck around.

I should be doing much better soon and I will not be doing anything that will put my neck in danger such as move heavy furniture around which I was planning on doing.

The Exfactor and a friend of his moved all the junk out of the spare bedroom yesterday. It is an amazing thing to see the room empty except for  a few pieces of furniture. I thought it would never happen. The room does need a good cleaning but luckily my domestic help is going to be here in the morning. If she does nothing else but clean that room, I will be more than happy. 

It's actually going to be my room because the door to the patio is there and I will have to be able to let the dog out during the night. My closet is already there and it will be easy to move my bed there and the few other pieces of furniture that I'll need. I've already filled one shelf system with stuff that is purely mine and it is in place.

The Exfacor will help me with putting the guest room furniture together. He's coming back in the afternoon to do the groceries and may be able to do it then. He's bringing his electric screwdriver. Hopefully the room will be clean by then.. 

I'm constantly catching myself in pain and immediately figuring out what I'm doing wrong. I find that by changing the way I hold my head and neck and shoulders I can relieve the pain. Isn't that good to know? 

I still haven't figured out why drinking ice cold milk helps so much. I always feel better when I do and I drink many glasses of it. I thought it numbed the pain but the doctor said that heat is actually good for it. So that is a bit of a mystery. Whoever knows the answer is free to reveal it.

That's all I have to report for now. I hope you're all having a good night. May it be as pleasant as mine is. 


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Full of longing...

The headache that I thought was gone is back with a vengeance and I also have that pain in my neck again. They're both on the right side and all I can think is that it feels like a migraine but it's lasting an awful long time. I've made an appointment with the GP for tomorrow afternoon just to make sure I don't need an antibiotic or an antihistamine, although officially I'm not supposed to be allergic to anything. It is a bother and I don't like having to take paracetamol all the time. 

Other than that I'm in great shape. At least I am mentally and that counts for a lot in my book. To me that's the most important thing. I don't mind there being something physically wrong with me as long as I'm mentally okay. 

I saw my therapist today and I had a good session with her. There's always some work to be done and she doesn't make it easy on me. And I don't want her to. I don't want her to mollycoddle me. Let her make it as hard on me as she can. I need to be able to take a licking. 

Cutting down on the anti-psychotics has worked out well and isn't bothering me at all like you maybe would expect it to. Sometimes cutting down on a medicine is a problem and it doesn't go well. I no longer feel depressed and can enjoy the good weather. I would even more if I didn't have a headache. 

I don't feel the need for a nap this afternoon because I've also cut down on the tranquilizers and have more energy now. I don't feel like lying down all over the place. I've also had some coffee and that perked me up quite nicely.

The weather is great, although I've heard that it's going to be less so in a while. I haven't watched the weather forecast in a few days but it is said that the temperatures are going to drop a lot. That we're even going to need our winter coats. I'm not too pleased about that because it means that I'll have to close the windows and turn on the heater again. I was more than ready for it to be nice weather from this point on. 

The birds are singing in the trees as happily as they always do. They have their hearts set on springtime. It's a joy to listen to them. There's a large variety of them that all take their turn being noisy at different times of the day. I hope they are smart and stay out of the cat's way. I would hate for her to come home with one like she did last year. I didn't realize that she was such a hunter. 

The dog is lying on the floor in the light of the sun that's shining in through the windows. He is basking himself. It must feel glorious after the long winter of hardly any sunshine in the living room. I still have to make an appointment to get his fur trimmed. He looks like a wooly mammoth now. All he needs are a couple of baby tusks. He already has the large ears. 

I've got to go do a load of laundry and change the bed. It is time for clean sheets. I have a longing for them. I hope my head can stand me bending over to change them. It will be worth the sacrifice and to go to bed tonight in a clean bed. 

I hope you're all having a good day.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Some coffee first, please...

I had to bring myself back to life with a cup of coffee before I could even think about writing this post. I was in sorry shape. I had gotten there without me really realizing it until I noticed that I was yawning an awful lot and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. 

Luckily, a pot of coffee was quickly made and cup even more quickly poured. I drank it in a hurry and I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm not quite back to normal, but I'm on my way and expect to be in great shape in just a little while. I have to be patient enough to let the caffeine do its work and it will do that as if by magic. 

Aren't I always the eternal optimist? Just give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and all will be well in my world. There's not much that can go wrong then. I do have a tendency to live in the moment and not think ahead too much. Whatever goes well now is of importance. I'll see about the rest later. 

The Exfactor was here this morning and put some order to the spare bedroom and he will be emptying it on Thursday. I'm so glad about that because I thought it was never going to happen. I'm happy that he finally gave me a day on which it is going to take place. There are a lot of things to move and he's done the preperatory work. I will have to do some sorting myself too and make sure that everything that needs to go actually does.

It does remind me to never save anything that I have any doubts about. If it's not absolutely necessary that I keep it, out it goes immediately. There will be no more spare room to put it in. I will have to be ruthless about making my choices. Life is about holding things down to the bare minima anyway. It doesn't pay to hang on to obsolete items. That's just so much bagage that you don't need to carry around with you. 

It was a lovely day today. We had sunshine and great temperatures. It was warmer today than it was yesterday. It was very nice to take the dog for a walk, especially if we stayed out of the shade which we did for the most part. The hedges are green now and there are birds hiding in them. There are also bees buzzing around and daisies and dandelions in the grass.  The fruit trees are also blooming.

Because I have the windows open. I hear the birds start to sing very early in the morning before it gets light. It's a joyous sound and makes me happy. It's nice to fall back asleep to. That's an understatement. 

Well, I'm all done getting back to normal now and I will end this post. I can't blather on forever. 

I hope you'll all have a wonderful evening.


Monday, March 26, 2012


to my surprise it is evening again already, although the sun is still shining brightly in the sky. Now why do you think that is? Isn't that a nice effect from daylight savings time? I think that was the whole purpose, wasn't it? Or is this just the way it is supposed to be always? I am very confused. I better not think about that too much. I may damage my brain. I haven't had enough coffee for that. 

I took a nap, but I also think that my sleepiness is a side effect from the tranquilizers and I think I'm going to try and skip the one I take in the afternoon and see if maybe I don't get as sleepy then. It isn't all that great to get so calm that it makes you want to go take a nap. It does make me feel oh so tired. I feel like lying down all over the place and I have no energy to do anything. I think that's not quite the purpose behind them. 

It was another lovely day with lots of sunshine and pleasant enough temperatures, although it isn't really that warm yet. It just feels that way to us deprived people. We aren't used to anything. I've got the windows open on a crack, but I do feel a bit of a draft and it's a bit chilly. I'll have to put on my bathrobe over my clothes if I want to keep myself warm enough. I do so dislike being uncomfortable. 

Today I wanted to be on the beach of a tropical island in my bikini with a fruity cocktail in my hand. To me that seemed like the ultimate bliss. I would really like to feel the warm sunshine and the equally warm wind on my body. I would like to be warm all over. If I had to, I would find the shade of a palm tree, but at least it would still be pleasant. I would get a terrific tan and swim in the perfectly clear blue sea and eat delicious fish from the ocean that was grilled over an open fire.

A woman can dream, can't she? There are people doing this right now. 

I mustn't spend too much time fantasizing, although a little bit of it is okay. In your imagination you can do many interesting things and make your ordinary life more fun. When I was in Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, the circumstances were nice enough to make me think I was in a tropical place and I got a good taste of it and will never forget the experience. I can remember it whenever I need to escape in my head and I have more memories like that. 

What I most miss is being warm. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner and make something hot to drink. That should warm my cold bones. I act like it is a cold day in winter. I must be getting old. 

Have a nice evening.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Very sleepy...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee because I need it desperately. I was yawning my head off because I was really in need of a nap but I didn't want to give into the yearning. I know what the problem is. I was up too long during the night and didn't get enough sleep. That's not all that unusual. I have been known to do that before. 

Of course, now we've set the clocks ahead one hour and I'm losing out on time anyway. Not that I mind it. I like gaining the extra hour of daylight in the evening but the day is a bit shorter. I hadn't quite counted on that. It upsets my schedule just a little bit. I took my medicines too late today as it was anyway. Now I'm trying to get back to normal with that.

It doesn't bother me not to take the extra anti-psychotic, but I also tried to decrease my tranquilizers and that didn't go so well. I believe I can't do both at the same time. That's too much to ask of myself and it will have to wait. There was a huge difference when I finally took the tranquilizer after not having taken it in the morning. I felt at ease soon afterwards and that was much better than how I had felt before. 

I mustn't try to do things all at once and in a hurry. It never works out well, but I'm always over eager. I want so much all at once. I think I have bright ideas, but they usually don't work out well. I should only do half of the things I think of. That's more than enough. 

I sat in my sister's garden in the sunshine this afternoon. We were sheltered from the wind because of the fences and it was pleasantly warm. I hadn't been to my sister's house in a long time and I felt a bit awkward. I didn't know what to talk about after such a long absence. It didn't make the heart grow fonder. I didn't stay for a long time and was happy to go home again and be in my own space. I do enjoy my own company the best after all. 

You don't choose your own family and although you may have a lot of things in common, these are not necessarily things you want to be confronted with. They are traits you may not like at all and not want to be reminded of. Maybe they are things you try to not do yourself. Irritating little behaviors that you are aware of and that you don't like about yourself that much. If you see them reflected back to you, it may bother you very much. They may not be things you want to be around for any length of time. 

Like I said, in the end I prefer my own company. I find it easiest just to be on my own and it is the least complicated way to exist. I do agree that everybody needs to be around other people now and then, but I don't think that needs to take up a huge amount of your time. I'm certainly not a social butterfly and get enough of my strokes through the social media and from seeing the odd person every so often. I'm comfortable with myself and I'm glad about that. I have an easy time living with myself. 

There's an element of being afraid to get hurt too, certainly. I think people are unpredictable and I don't like their behavior. A lot of people don't act rationally. They don't act as I expect them to and I find this unpredictability mind boggling. I don't know how to deal with it so I avoid it. It irritates me usually and I get hurt too if I let it. I do arm myself against it. 

I've said enough and I've got to walk the dog. There's still all kinds of daylight and lots of sunshine. There's no shortage of that. It will be a pleasure to go out there. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.


Saturday, March 24, 2012

Onward forever and then some...

I can tell you one thing and that is that I'm not depressed anymore. That bird has flown the coop. The mood has escaped me. I am so relieved. I thought it had during the night but I didn't want to jubilate ahead of time. Now that it's daytime, I know for sure. I'm in a fine mood and all my worries seem far away. Hey, isn't that a line in a song? No, that goes a little bit different than that. 

I've reduced my anti-psychotics from 8 mg to 6 mg and I think that's made the difference. I think I was taking too much. That former amount was okay when I was hypo-manic but it was too much when I came down to earth again and I think it made me depressed. It was a temporary measure anyway and was never meant to be of permanent nature. 

I think my psychiatrist can trust me enough to make these decisions. I do have some personal leeway when it comes to some of my medicines. I know damn well what they do with me and it's not always the right thing at the right time.

So now I'm sitting here with my good mood and the best of intentions. The apartment is cleaned up, but I do have a stack of mail to plow through. I will do that shortly. Since it's Saturday, I've got all day to do it and no phone calls to make about it. Everybody on the help desks will have the weekend off. That does give me a break. It's nice when something is impossible to do. It gives you time to think about it. 

I was outside with the dog in the beautiful warm sunshine and wore my summer top. I do want to get a little bit of color before it gets too hot. I can't believe how pleasant it was out there and have opened all the windows to air out the place. Now it's really springtime and tonight we set the clocks ahead one hour. I do look forward to the extra hour of daylight in the evening. 

My older sister is going to have a galstone operation. Apparently there is nothing else wrong with her and that is a big relief. She did have us worried there for a while. She's very sick with them and it's about time something is done about them. She's just not assertive enough when it comes to her health. I don't take after her.

The dog is lying down on the dining table in the sunshine that is coming in through the windows. I think he likes it very much. This morning he tore the outer layer off a tennis ball. The rug in the living room was covered with fuzz. He had such a goood time doing that. He's got three balls left to go. He always does find ways to amuse himself and then there's always the cat to bother. 

The Exfactor bought me chewable vitamins and they are as good as candies. They are forest berry flavor and I want to keep eating them, but I'm not supposed to. That makes me think that I have a secret longing for sweets. I ought to buy a bag of them the next time I'm in the pharmacy. They have a good selection there of old fashioned candy. The vanilla drops are especially good. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

On with the saga...

Well, I carry on bravely with my depression on a beautiful sunny day that was deceptively not as warm as it looked. I celebrated the warmest part of the day by taking a long nap on the sofa where I have been taking all my afternoon naps lately. I've decided that this makes it look less official than going to lie down in bed for them. It makes me look less lazy, I think. 

I had all the windows open and a draft blew through the apartment making it so chilly in here that I had to put on my jeans jacket. The temperatures weren't exactly tropical despite all the sunshine. It was 18C outside and that isn't exactly very warm. No doubt there were lots of people on the cafe terraces downtown basking in the light of the sun, but to me it still wasn't warm enough. I need for it to be just a little bit hotter before I will bask. 

Yes, I am still depressed. I can tell by the lack of enthusiasm with which I do everything and the number of cups of coffee that I need to do them. I am also filled with cynicism and I know that is a way to overcome my own deep dark thoughts. If you don't want to be harsh on yourself, be harsh on the world around you. The world around you can take a licking, there are enough people and institutions that can handle it. Tall trees do catch a lot of wind and rightly so. 

It's a little tough to get through the day and I am glad when I near the end of it. I find t hard to fill the hours and don't do anything that is worth mentioning. The most sensible thing I do is take the dog for walks. I am not that interested in the usual things that keep me occupied and care less about them also. They don't seem very important right now. A lot of things seem pretty senseless and not worth getting excited about and I wonder why I ever did. 

I do seem to like the evenings and enjoy the fact that the sun sets and the darkness comes and covers the land. I feel that all is at peace then and can't wait to put on my pajamas and bathrobe so I can feel safe. It's ridiculous, of course, because those things shouldn't matter at all, but somehow they make a difference. And more than anything I want to be warm because I feel cold so quickly. I could wear layers of clothes and still not be warm enough. 

I've still got a bit of a headache, but it is not so bad that I keep taking paracetamol for it. I don't know if it is a good idea to keep taking it. I think it may not be good for my stomach so I try to do without. I've got a dull ache in the right side of my head that sometimes feels like a stabbing pain depending on what I do with my head. I'm sure that one of these days it will disappear. I've almost gotten used to it. It's been five days now. 

I think I've gone on long enough now and will knit an end to this epistle.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

How to survive...

I'm afraid I have to conclude that I'm depressed. It doesn't actually surprise me all that much after all that rapid cycling I have done lately. I've gone up and down too much for it to have left me unaffected. Now I'm caught on the way down and I'm not done going down even more. It's a miserable situation. 

Two hours ago I still had some hope, but I've since given up on that. I thought I saw a bright shiny light, but I don't see it anymore now. To me things seem pretty bleak. I wear my depression like a darkened cloak that makes me invisible to the world. I think I can do whatever I want and it will make no difference. 

I had not planned on feeling this way, but somehow I almost welcome it because it is at least a familiar mood and I know how to function under the circumstances. I know what to expect and I know what I will be doing about it. I know all the pitfalls and I know how to navigate them. It's like wearing old worn out shoes. They fit me to a T. 

I feel a certain amount of indifference toward the rest of the world now that I feel this way. I can't be bothered how the rest of mankind reacts to me. I don't care about that. I'll very selfishly be depressed and only care about my own comfort while I am. I can't worry about how other people feel about that. It's not up to me to be concerned about it.

It's much easier than I thought not to care and to focus on myself. It certainly simplifies things. There's something to be said for turning inward and finding your salvation there. It's almost like being a monk and rejecting all that's worldly. 

I won't have to chase happiness or artificially pretend to be joyful. It will be a relief to be released from those duties. I won't have to waste my energy on them. And I won't have to apologize for not being them. Depressed people are allowed not to be happy and joyful. They can be burdens if you constantly have to be them and you're not in the mood. 

I will now go about this business of being depressed and see what I make of it. 


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Still crazy after all these years...

Because I must be fighting a virus, I take naps at every opportunity in my armchair and on the sofa. They happen quite spontaneously and are completely unplanned. I just drift off on the spot and wake up in the most uncomfortable positions. But I'm always more alert and refreshed than I was beforehand so apparently I need them. My headache is a bit better today, but I'm still taking the paracetamol and it's helping a lot.

The bedroom furniture was delivered this afternoon in not too many individual packages so it looks like it's not going to be that much work to put it together. That is a bit of a relief. I had been a bit concerned about that because I have to ask the Exfactor to help me put it together. Although he is very handy, I don't want it to be too complicated. I want the whole business to go as easy as possible. I don't want fixing up the spare bedroom to become a frustrating experience.

I'm very thisty and am drinking one glass of ice cold milk after the other. It's like I can't get enough of it, although they're bloating my stomach. I so very much feel like having very cold things to drink. I don't have any ice cubes or I would make cold lemonade, although that is a little bit too sweet. My older sister and I are both hooked on cold milk. We seem to love dairy products, pudding, yogurt, buttermilk. The last one would taste very good right now. I do like the sour taste of it.

I've not done any interesting things today, but I think I can be excused. Getting through the day without too much of a headache is enough of an achievement. I thought I was rather down when I started the day, but it was probably because of not feeling well and needing to sleep. A physical ailment can make you feel down too. 

I feel that I'm all done rapid cycling. I don't get halleluja moods anymore. I'm glad about that. I know myself better this way. I'm on familiar grounds now.

I hope you're all having a good evening.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Setting free the elephants...

Today has been an odd day and I feel like it took twice as long to get over with than it usually does. I feel like I've lived two days in one. This is no doubt due to the fact that I got up early and was running ahead of myself all day long. It did mean that I could have two very leaisurely cups of coffee in my armchair before the day started and could contemplate my navel. For a while I had nothing else to do.

I woke up with the migraine that had never left me during the night. I had stabbing pains in my head whenever I moved it and I wonder if I'm not fighting some sort of a virus that's not causing me any other sort of problems. I have to move my head carefully and remember not to bend over or get up quickly. It is a bother, but I will just have to wait it out patiently. I'm not going to the doctor yet. 

I waited in vain for a phone call form the energy company which I was supposed to have gotten early in the morning. That's why I had gotten up on time, but it never came. I will have to call them myself tomorrow so as to not have all sorts of misunderstandings happen about my contract with them. I do dislike companies that don't stick to their promises. It's a very simple thing to call a customer when you say you will. I do so appreciate efficiency and not living in a banana republic. 

My personal helper was here on time, not that I'd be put out if she weren't (I forgive her anything). We talked about the week's events and gossiped like two old women. We are roughly the same age so the same things concern us. She always has some handy tips for me and we get along well. The dog likes her a lot too and wants nothing more than to sit on her lap. The cat has come to quietly accept her, but she does stay a little aloof. She is friendly but standoffish. 

Afterwards I had to go see my therapist for an unexpected talk because I'd had such a difficult couple of days and I needed to unload. There were some big concerns that I had about my mental health that I had to discuss with her. I know no person other than her who I can do this with. I feel that there is nobody else that I can be as honest with. It's about trust and I don't trust just anybody with my most inner thoughts. 

She's very honest with me and will even burst my balloon if she thinks I'm on the wrong track. She makes me take the responsibility for all my actions and feelings and creates links between them that I didn't see. I felt somewhat deflated after I had talked to her today, but I did feel that the truth had been discussed. I am seeing her again on Wednesday for my regular appointment. There is enough left to talk about. 

I had to walk the dog when I got home, but despite the sunshine, it was cold outside and it wasn't much fun to be out there. Maybe it is because I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time staying warm today. 

The Exfactor came and did the groceries and bought me some paracetamol which I have taken and which is helping my migraine a bit. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before and can move my head around a bit easier. 

I sat in my armchair and watched the repeat of the news but was shivering and fell asleep. When I woke up very uncomfortable, I turned on the heater and went to bed for a nap. That was the best thing I did today. I felt ever so much better when I got up again. I made myself some coffee and decided to turn on the computer and not do anything else that was complicated today. 

The bedroom furniture is going to be delivered tomorrow afternoon. I just got the message about that. I've made space in the hallway to temporarily put it until it can be put together and put in place. I'm excited about that. I can't wait for that room to be empty so I can furnish it. 

I'm feeling extremely low key and not at all like I'm rapid cycling. I would even say that I'm mildly depressed, but that may be because I'm sick. I need to take care of myself well. I will do kind deeds for myself. Somebody has to take care of me. It can only be me because I'm the only one here. 

I hope you all had a good day today. 


Being sensible...

I suppose that a lot of times it's difficult to do the thing that's best for you and you choose the thing that is the most agreeable. I should be sleeping right now and I have been to bed. I spent two hours there, but I didn't sleep, so I got up again and made myself some coffee because I knew that would put me in an excellent mood. I wanted to enjoy the wee hours of the night while I was in this good mood and I was not disappointed because I am. 

I have the alarm clock set for five hours from now and at this rate I'm not going to get a lot of sleep at all. I'm not worrying a lot about that now and I will see what happens when the time comes. I will deal with the difficulties as they arise. No doubt I will be taking a nap later on in the day if I don't want to run into the inevitable problems. 

I was in too good a mood when I went to bed and didn't feel at all sleepy. I went there out of a sense of responsibilty. It was late so I had to go to sleep. I was not nearly done being awake and active and was not in the mood to slow down. I thought lying down in my bed would get me in the proper mood, but it didn't work out that way. You know about best laid plans...

I have been having a slight migraine since this afternoon. It gets worse if I move my head around or bend over, so I avoid doing those things. Sometimes I forget and do them anyway. I haven't had a real migraine in a very long time. I do have a history of them when I was younger. I remember spending lots of time in darkened rooms. I don't know why I should have one now. It's a mystery to me. I've got to put paracetamol on the shopping list.

I suppose I'll go to bed now and try to get a few hours of sleep. I must be sensible sometimes. I do feel a little bit of pressure to do the right thing.

Have a good day everyone. Enjoy the week. 


Sunday, March 18, 2012

And then there is sleep...

I had forgotten again how much good sleep does to restore my mind. I was quite distraught last night and my feelings were all over the place. I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do about it. Luckily, some little voice in me told me to go to bed and I did. It was still rather early and I slept until some time in the middle of the night when I got up again. 

I felt fairly normal then and could think straight again, but toward the morning the stress started building up again and I thought I was going to have another tough day. Fortunately, I had the bright idea to go back to bed where I slept until noontime and I woke up feeling quite refreshed.

I've been up and functioning for a while now and I still feel good, so that is a good sign. As soon as I start to feel the stress build up again, I will go back to sleep because I think I have to catch up on it after so many days of rapd cycling. Right now I won't worry about when I sleep, but that I sleep. That seems to be the most important thing. 

Since it is Sunday today, I will really consider this to be my day off and that also means a day off from worries which have a tendency to stack up in my mind when I'm not in the hypo-manic stage. When I'm not in the stage of denial, but in the stage of doomsday thinking. That's what happens when you go from one extreme to another. You pick apart each little thing and worry it to death, not seeing the forest for the trees anymore. 

The higher being did create this day as a day of rest and I will honor it in that way by leaving a lot of things undone. I will pretend that I can't do a thing about them right now and enjoy the peace and serenity the day can bring. That means I will contemplate my navel and think only wise things. It will be a major time out. 

Whatever happens, I will end up with a nice guest room and it is about time it came about. I have been living with that spare bedroom as a junk room for a long enough time. I'm excited about having a bedroom that I can use for the occasion if someone wants to spend the night. It's been a major drawback not to have that and to always have to apologize for the state of it. 

I'm not too concerned about smoking again. Apparently it's not meant to be that I quit right now. The circumstances make it too difficult. I will have to wait for a better opportunty. My therapist had warned me that it is difficult for bipolar people to quit smoking because of the mood changes. I thought it would be much easier than that and had not anticipated the influence of them. It's spending the money on the tobacco that bothers me the most. 

Because I got up so late, it's halfway through the afternoon now and I think I will get dressed and take the dog for a walk. He has only been out back so far and has been waiting patiently. He is a good dog. 

I hope you all have a good, peaceful Sunday. 


Saturday, March 17, 2012

All finished with that now...

I'm all done seeing the world through rose colored glasses like I did so naively yesterday. I've come down from cloud number nine and landed back on earth again. Here I am sat solidly in my desk chair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette because, yes, I've started smoking again. That isn't such a strange thing with the whole gamma of emotions I was running through these past 24 hours. I've been high and low and now I think I'm somewhere in between, but defintely not up there with the angels anymore.

The tentative plan is that my older sister M. is going to come and stay with me in a few weeks time. For this purpose, the spare bedroom is being cleaned out and all the junk wiill be disposed of. As a last grand gesture to my hypo-mania, I ordered a new bed and a chest of drawers on line to furnish that bedroom with. This is instead of trying to find something in the recycle store which I was beginning to have more and more doubts about. I do these things quite spontaneously and maybe to my detriment. Common sense comes later.

I hope I'm done being hypo-manic for this season. I've certainly been like a ping pong ball enough. I've bounced all over the place. It is normal for this time of year, but it always takes me by surprise. It's not all that awful to feel on top of the world, but it's not a constant feeling and it can get out of hand. More than anything, it's exhausting. I'm more than ready to be my version of what I consider normal. That's what I'm familiar and comfortable with. It's a hugely more predictable me. 

Today is a cold day and I've got my bathrobe on over my clothes and the heater on. It's gray and overcast outside and we even had a shower. I really don't mind this weather as long as I'm warm enough, but it is in sharp contrast to how it was yesterday. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend so I can hibernate and the dog will have to do his last piddles out back. I'm not planning on going outside again. I do love him, but I don't love him that much.

One thing is for sure. I'm incredibly dull when I'm my low key usual self. It's difficult to get me excited. That's nice for me, but it may be different for you if you want to read a super interesting post. 


Friday, March 16, 2012


I'm sitting here at the end of the day having a splendid time all by myself in the pleasant company of my animals. It is evening now after a beautiful day with lots of sunshine and the sun has just set. I am ready for a good night at home. I have all the comforts I need and am in a good mood. There's not much that can go wrong now. It is Friday evening and I'm ready for the weekend. 

I didn't have too exciting a day. It went by rather quietly. It was the usual Friday in the company of the Exfactor and my domestic help. They were both pleasant enough to be around and the groceries got done and the apartment got cleaned. What more could I ask for? Fridays always are good days when it comes to that. I do so appreciate the kind deeds that are done for me. 

The best news I had was that my older sister probably has gall stones and nothing worse, although she still has to talk more extensively to her doctor on Monday. There seems to be nothing wrong with her liver and that is a huge relief. I am so glad. I am tremendously cheered by this news because I was expecting something worse. She sounded a lot better over the phone also. 

Imagine being happy about gall stones. 

I am probably slightly hypo-manic now, but I'm making the best of it and enjoying myself as well as I can without letting it get out of hand. I'm bubbling over with happiness. The world is truly my oyster. I feel like I can handle anything at all now. All by myself I'm the happiest person on the block. Don't you think I should take full advantage of that? 

The dog's eye is getting a lot better. He has stopped blinking with it and there's no longer any junk coming out of it. I have to apply the ointment for a week and will do that. It looks a lot better too and he's so good about me applying the ointment. It's like he knows that it's good for him. He's a very trusting animal. 

I wore my tough broad boots today. I hadn't worn them in a while and they truly made me feel like a tough broad. I had forgotten how comfortable they are.They are properly beat up too so they look well used. I really should give them a good shine but I don't have the right polish. I should put that on the next shopping list. I'm sure they would look even better if they sparkle. I don't know if that would make me look tougher. 

Tomorrow it's going to be cooler than it was today and we will have a few showers, but that won't bother me. I don't mind a little bit of rain. It can be quite cozy when you're inside. No doubt nature needs it right now the way everything is growing so rapidly. As far as I'm concerned, springtime is here and nothing can stop it now. 

That's what makes going for walks so much fun. There's always something new to discover in people's gardens. What wasn't there one day, is there the next. There's  always a surprise. Even my own jasmine bush, scraggly as it is, is getting lots of buds on it. The little trees will be next. 

I've got to make myself some coffee to drink. I'm in need of some caffeine. I haven't had a cup in the longest time. I've been to busy to make a pot. My brain will welcome the stimulance. I will be all straightened out in no time at all. There's nothing like a cup of coffee to set your world right, even when you think it already is.

Have a good evening everyone.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The reward system...

I had a busy day and want to reward myself for it. Of course, my mind thinks of a cigarette as if that is the only way I can reward myself for a day well spent. Why in the world would I even need a reward for it? Would it be to congratulate myself because it all went well? That's possibly the reason, but I've got to think of a better way to make myself feel good. 

I had to go to Specsavers at 10 am to pick up my varifocal glasses, so I rode my bike into town very leisurely and did that. They had to be adjusted to fit my head properly and I had to take one of the eye tests over again because I had not received the letter from the eye doctor and they were afraid that I had got lost in the system.

These varifaocals are well made and I have no problems with them like I did with the other ones. I had to tilt my head with the other ones because the lenses hadn't been put in the frame right. Since I hardly ever wore them, this was not much of a problem, but it's nice to have a pair of properly fit ones. I do wear these constantly now and have been complimented on them already. 

I ate a sausage roll at the Hema department store and made it just on time for my appointment with my therapist at 11 am. There we discussed my regular forrays into hypomania and how to best get through them and my acceptance of my illness which is not complete. I do feel embarrassment about it and try to make everything look better to the outside world than it is. 

Next, I had an appointment with my psychistrist about my medication, but I told him to leave everything just the way it is now, please. If we were to start juggling with my pills, I could really get into trouble because I'm already rapid cycling and that would make it worse. Luckily, he agreed with me and we made another appointment for two weeks from now to keep a finger on the pulse. 

After that, I had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and to try and return an unused box of nicotine patches, but I was unsuccessful with that. They don't buy back any medication that you've had at home and can't sell it either. It's a law apparently. So, I'm stuck with them, much to my disgust. 

When I got home, I realized that the dog had the beginning of an eye infection, so I took him to the vet and he did some tests and gave me some ointment for his eye. I have to put some in twice a day and the dog is really good about it.

Then I took a nap. 

In a little while I have to call my older sister whose blood tests results came back abnormal and who very suddenly had to have an echo made of her liver and the rest of her stomach. I do worry about her. She's been having physical complaints for some time. Because she has so much stress in her life, she thought that this was the cause of them. I wish I was there with her and could go to the doctor with her. 

I've got to get a lot of sleep. I have to catch up on what I didn't get when I was hypomanic.I feel like sleeping a lot and would like nothing better than get into bed and sleep some more. I have to put it off for a while, though. I still have to eat dinner too. 

I've discovered a new way to get the dog to stop bothering the cat. It works full proof. One day when I'm not so tired, I'll tell you about it. 


Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Monday, March 12, 2012

Unbelievably so...

Spring is here. I´ve seen the proof of it all over the place today when I was out taking the dog for his long walks. I paid close attention to everything in nature and saw green buds and new shoots on hedges and rose bushes and other plants. I also saw lots of bulb plants popping out of the ground and I saw my first tulips blooming. 

There were perennials that had new leaves and weeds underneath the hedges that were multiplying. There were even new daisies in the grass. Once I started looking carefully, there turned out to be new life everywhere. What at first had seemed like bare gardens, turned out to be places full of promise of things to come. I´m thrilled to pieces. 

Because the weather was also decent, it was a pleasure to be out there and I made the walks longer than I had planned to. The dog is just going to have to get used to it. We´ll keep going out there and making longer rounds all the time. There´so much to discover and enjoy. I do have to bend over bushes and plants regularly to inspect them for new growth. It´s not always obvious right away, whle with some others it´s clear to see. 

I´m so thrilled that today I saw these signs of spring because now I know that it´s really on its way and that we´re moving in the right direction. It is March, after all and not much bad weather can hit us now. I´m full of hope. My good mood can´t be beat and I will keep being upbeat now untill the end of the summer, even well into the fall. I´ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

For me this means the liberation from winterrtime and it will really be complete when we set the clocks ahead one hour on the weekend of the 24th.  That will mean that it will stay light longer in the evening and I´m all for that. It means taking the dog for longer walks then too. The poor dog does have to walk a lot. 

I actually still get very sleepy and groggy during the day. I solve that with drinking coffee and taking naps. If I drink coffee and then go for a walk with the dog, it serves me well. I get lots of energy out of that. Taking a nap is a nice option too, but I don´t always want to do that. It´s okay in the morning when I haven´t slept enough yet anyway., but I don´t want to waste the rest of the day on them. 

I know I should go for a walk now, but I´m too tired to go and besides, I´m wearing my bathrobe and am nice and warm. The dog will have to go out back. 

Oh, in the morning that bird is back singing its beautiful song. It´s a long song and it takes a while for it to get through it. It sings it with a little bit of variation the whole early morning. It´s like it´s having a monologue. It sure is pretty.  I can´t see the bird, so I have no idea what it looks like. 

Oh, I just did some research and I found out that it is the European Blackbird or the Turdus Merula. If you look it up on YouTube you can hear its song. Mine just sounds so much better. He must be a pro. Maybe he speaks the local dialect. 

Well, I´ve sat here long enough and wasted my time. I´ve done other things while I was supposed to be writing this. You can´t trust me to stick to the job at hand. I´m now listening to the soundtrack of a rainstorm. It is very pleasant to listen to, though I have to say that I´m very glad that it´s not raining like that outside. It would be good to fall asleep to, though. 

I just had some whole grain bread with butter. It was a joy to eat, but I´m awfully full. I won´t be able to eat or drink anything for quite a while. 

Have a good evening.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Not normal...

It's okay if I don't feel normal right now because it's perfectly understandable under the circumstances. It's because I have no nicotine entering my brain. That's why I feel so flaked out most of the time. I just read it on the website that helps you quit smoking.

I thought it was about time that I went there. I had read the booklet a few times, but I hadn't been to the website yet and it turned out to be a cornucopia of information. Did you know that by now all the nicotine is already out of my body? It is two days after you stop smoking. And after you stop using the patches, of course. It's been four days since I did.

This is my brain on no nicotine. This is where I got in trouble the last time, so I have to watch it, but I think I already was hypo-manic on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I got that behind me. These past days I've been sleepy and flaky. The thing I do best is take the dog for walks. It's the least complicated thing I can do. If I didn't know better I'd think I was mentally challenged.

It also said that my taste and smelling abilities should be vastly improved, but I haven't noticed that so much, although they probably already had since January the 24th when I officially quit. I had expected more of it. I guess I was expecting to be overwhelmed by smells that would transport me back to the past and that hasn't happened a lot. I can't say that things taste all that wonderful either. It's not like there's an angel peeing on my tongue.

Maybe these abilitites will return later or not at all. Maybe they're permanently impaired.

All the carbom monoxide is gone from my body too. I'm thrilled about that. That was plain poison, of course. It's been replaced by pure oxygen. Or as clean as it is in the air around here with all the traffic. I should live in the country where the air is cleaner. Ha, I wish.

I'm constantly running out of things to blog about. I don't know what else to add. I think maybe I had better go to bed.


Thursday, March 08, 2012

The lack of nicotine....

I want to write a cohesive post, but I find it very difficult to. It's like the lack of nicotine is preventing me from writing down anything that's sensible.

I haven't worn a nicotine patch since Tuesday when I discovered I could do without them and not miss the nicotine. It's true, I don't. I've had a peaceful time ever since and am amazed that this is so. 

I'm so peaceful today that I can't seem to really wake up and keep having to go back to bed to sleep some more.

I'm having some coffee to prevent me from falling asleep behind the computer. 

It's not working very well. 


Yesterday I had my hair cut and I had to promise to never let my hair grow again. I did and left the shop with a great haircut that looks quite perky on me. It's very easy to take care of hair and a breeze to wash and dry. 

I've already written down in my agenda when I should make the next appointment. I'm not going to make the mistake of walking around with a grown out haiircut. 

Oh yes, I remembered. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I almost forgot. I did start to sound like I was trying to be a perfect person, wasn't I? And I'm allowed to make all the mistakes I want. What's going to happen if I do anyway? The world's not going to come to an end. 

Jeez! I'm even perfect in being imperfect. 

So, I don't know why I don't need the nicotine patches. Maybe it's because I only smoked for such a short time. I will have to take the nicoltine patches I have left back to the pharmacy to see if I can get back my money. I have one full box that's not been opened yet. 

In my enthusiasm, I bought two weeks worth of patches. Dumb!

I only used them one day.


Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Early on Wednesday morning...

I haven't slept much yet, but have been up half the night, sitting behind the computer, eating slices of bread with peanut butter. Mmm, good. That's to compensate for the cigarettes I'm not smoking. The bread with peanut butter does give me a feeling of satisfaction for a long time and I forget all about wanting to smoke. It takes the frustration out of me. 

Actually, I'm not having such a bad time because this is the second time I'm quitting in a very short time and I know what I'm doing. I've become a bit of a pro at quitting smoking. I know the pitfalls. 

The most important thing is to keep busy and to make sure there are not too many boring moments. It helps to sit behind the computer and to pretend I'm doing all sorts of interesting things. A lot of times I do, but sometimes I'm just sitting here day dreaming. As long as I keep my hand on the mouse it feels like I'm engaged in an activity. 

I'm going to call the hairdresser today because I've decided that I'm not going to let my hair grow long. It's at that very awkward stage now and I think I look ridiculous half of the time. I don't see much merit in letting it grow longer and having to sryle it the way it would look nice or how I would be happy with it. I want it all away from my face, so I may as well have it cut short again.

As it is now, I have to use a lot of hairspray and even then my hair doesn't stay in place. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment today. That's why I want to call over there first thing at 9 am. I assume someone will be there then. I'll be much happier with shorter hair. I just know it. And you know, once I get something in my head, it has to happen as soon as possible. 

I sure am a boring person without cigarettes. I'm like dull Jane sitting here behind the computer. I've even made more coffee to liven myself up with. Mostly I've been sitting here caught in thought and not even thinking anything of importance. I'm so easily distracted from what I'm doing. It's one way to spend the early morning hours. 

Every minute spent day dreaming is one in which I don't think about smoking. 

It's starting to get light out and the day will officially begin. If I'm smart, I will take the dog for a walk early. It will be good to get the first fresh air and to be out there before anybody else is.

Have yourself a wonderful day. 


Monday, March 05, 2012

Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.


Sunday, March 04, 2012

For old time's sake...

I'm trying out being back here for a time or two while I have to stress that this is not my main blog anymore. That's the one that's listed in the top right of the sidebar. That's where I do my real serious writing. But I do have to say that I was a little bit homesick for this one, so for old time's sake I'm going to write a post here and maybe I'll do it more often. 

I do have those hours to spare in the middle of the night when I've gotten up out of a sound sleep and I've had my cups of coffee and am about to have my glasses of milk. Since it is now going to be Sunday morning, I can waste these hours all I want and take my time going back to bed.

There is kind of a comfort to be on familiar ground and feel that I don't have to pull a rabbit out of my hat. I don't have to perform any party tricks. I don't mean to imply that I can lie down on the job and write just any sort of nonsense here, but I do feel less pressure to be perfect. Maybe I feel that my audience is more kindly here. I feel that you don't scrutinize me the way I feel scrutinized on my other blog. The fact that I share it on facebook probably has a lot to do with that. I do feel naked to the world. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I think about the coming day, although I have nothing too special planned. Later in the afternoon, my sister and I are going to see the film "The Help." I gave her the book to read for Christmas and she enjoyed it very much. I have yet to read it, but I don't mind seeing the film first. It will be a fun outing because the theater is so nice to go to. It's got a good ambience and a cozy cafe. . 

I will take the dog for many walks because the weather has been good and perfectly nice to go out in. He does so enjoy going for walks and it keeps him from getting cabin fever which was beginning to become a problem. He became a bit bored with things and I realized that he had to go out more. Besides, it's good for me too. We both benefit. Nature isn't that beautiful yet, but things are starting to pop out of the ground and make you hopeful for springtime. We have to be patient just a little while longer.

If you feel so inclined, don't forget to go to Irene's Dutch Diva Blog