No sleep.

I haven't been to bed yet and it looks like I will not be about to for awhile. I am wide awake and I don't yet have a sleepy bone in my body. This is most unfortunate, because it is well past midnight when all decent folks are supposed to be asleep.

I've watched boring TV. I even watched Studio Football and that is really desperate TV watching when you're a woman, although I am probably going to watch all the games in the World Cup in which the Dutch team plays. Not that I really think we will become world champions, but you can always hope. There is the excitement of the well made goal or the terrible disappointment of a lost game, when everybody will say that we had lousy players nstead of the really good ones we have now. Or it will be blamed on the hamstring injury of Arjan Robben that we lost or the presence or absence of Wim Kuyt. It will be blamed on something or somebody. It will not be because we played a bad game.

There's a gentle breeze moving the blinds in front of the open windows. It is cool and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe. It's actually not that cool in the apartment, it's all in my imagination. I think I am cooled off because of the breeze, therefor I think I need my bathrobe. In reality it is 22.5C in here. That's more than warm enough. As far as I can tell, that's 72.5F. It's balmy. Well, it's not quite like living in the tropics maybe, but close enough. I could imagine that it is a tropical night, I suppose, although it is no summer night in the desert when you can go for a swim.

Tyke is sleeping beside me on the floor. He has decided anyway that it is bedtime. You can't fool a dog. He talks to me now when he needs attention. It's very funny and he reaches out with his right paw, so he is right handed. He has calmed down a lot. It is permanent. He's starting to leave his puppy ways behind him, but he is still lots of fun and full of surprises and he charms old ladies that he meets in the street. I just wish he didn't have to piddle every 20 seconds. It does keep us busy.

Toby is secretly eating Tyke's food. He has been trying to do that all day, but he got caught every time. I guess Tyke's not very hungry today, because he left half of it in his bowl. He is very protective of it, though, and absolutely doesn't want Toby to touch it. He sees Toby as a rival for everything. I'm sure because Toby is a male also. Gandhi is a sweet female, so Tyke tolerates her a lot better and bosses her around. I should almost say, tosses her around, but it's not quite that bad yet. Gandhi does know how to get out of the way on time.

The breeze has stopped blowing and now everything is very quiet. It's in the middle of the night and the town is asleep. At least, the suburbs are. It may be quite different downtown where the cafés are. I'm going downtown on Wednesday to meet my friend Yvonne. That's in the planning anyway, weather permitting. It depends on how serious this threat of rain is. Hopefully it won't be that bad and there will be many dry spells. It also depends on how hard the rain comes down. If it's just a gentle shower, and I'm on my bike, it's not such a bad thing, but if it rains buckets, I won't go out in it. There's nothing worse than sitting somewhere in drenched clothes with ruined hair. Luckily, I don't wear make up anymore or I'd worry about getting raccoon eyes.

I'm all ready for bed, so all I have to do is take off my bathrobe and go lie down in it. It gives me no incentive to actually go and do it. That's another matter altogether. Not even the clean sheets help me go. I'm sitting here very cozily and I'm not about to break the spell. My feet are cool, so that's good. The rest of me is warm. Eventually I'll have to go to bed, simply because there will be nothing else to do. I will go out of boredom.

Imagine me getting bored. There ought not to be such a thing. It is impossible. I can always write a post, after all. It seems I never run out of things to write about. I don't know if they are all fascinating, but to me they are amusing enough to write down and they help the time pass. I could probably sit here all night and do nothing but write posts, one after the other. I don't know if I would do anybody any favors with them, but it would sure keep me out of trouble. That's the main objective, isn't it?

I will be good and end this one now, but there are no guarantees that I will not write another one. It depends on if I'm able to sleep. I don't yet feel it in my bones or anywhere else Maybe I'll play around with the look of my blog. That will keep me busy for a few minutes.

Ciao,
Nora

Recuperation.

I'm trying to recuperate from a whole night up spemt with Tyke. He had to piddle quite often, but didn't warn me when he had to go in his befuddled state. Instead, he started to wander around the apaprtment and I had to direct him to the back door, so he could go out to the patio and piddle in the flowerbed. I didn't get any sleep until this morning and some this afternoon and I'm still not caught up, but I'll save the rest for tonight.

Tyke is still not back to normal and is very subdued, but he's better than he was yesterday and his eye doesn't look too bad, although this morning it was encrusted with dried blood and I had to remove that. I've taken the collar off and he isn't bothering his eye, so I think it is okay. He was so miserable with it on and the drool had made the front of him and his ears all wet and stinky. I have to soap up a wash cloth when he's feeling a bit perkier.

He did go with me this morning to return the umbrella to the hairdresser and to the tobacco shop, but I think he did it just to please me, because when we got home he was completely spent and he hasn't done much since that time.

My friend Yvonne was here this afternoon and he greeted her very sedately, not at all like his normal enthusiastic self, and when the Exfactor also got here, it was more of the same. They both thought he was on his best behavior, but I had to help them out of that illusion.

It's very obvious that people like me better with my glasses on. I get approached more openly than I do without them. Yvonne says that I look friendlier. Maybe that is because I see everybody better. I recognize people easier. Whatever the difference is, it is positive, so I better keep wearing them. Please remind me of this whenever I start to doubt the use of my glasses, besides not getting headaches, of course. I do think being friendlier is very important.

I wish I weren't so darn tired. I would go to sleep on the sofa, but I'm waiting for a package to be delivered. They said they would be here between 12 and 6 pm. Of course, it will be closer to 6 pm, so you sit and wait the whole afternoon and can't walk the dog. Come to think of it, I will check my mailbox and make sure they didn't stick it in there like they sometimes do.

Yes, it was in the mailbox and here I was futily waiting for the door bell to ring. Now I have to take Tyke for a walk.

Okay, did that.

I think I'm going to lie down now and take a little nap. I need one badly as you can witness by this post. It's not quite full of life.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early and despite my intention to sleep for a long time, I am up again, having a mug of coffee and cigarettes by the light of my desk lamp. Everything is very peaceful and quiet, but for the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Tyke's asleep by my feet and the cats are asleep in various places in the apartment. Who could picture a more perfect setting? I do so love tranquillity and I must have been born in a very quiet place to love it so. I always feel as if I'm submerged in it as if I were a fish in an ocean, but it allows me to breathe as if it were fresh air, which indeed it is, because it is ratified air such as you would find in a monastery where there is no noise but that of quiet prayer, whispered before an altar in an ancient chapel with flickering candle light. I may have been a monk in an other life. The hours would have suited me.

Instead I sit here in my living room surrounded by the accoutrements of my life, the things I can't do without, though I could take a roll of trash bags and empty drawers and cabinets of a lot of unnecessary debris. I would like to go through my life as unburdened as possible and leave as little behind as I can. I've got a way to go in unburdening myself, but it's a plan I have for the near future. I would like to get rid of everything that I don't need or want and have lots of empty space. That seems to me the ideal situation. In the end it only comes down to a few items anyway. I travelled to the Netherlands with my clothes, my books and my music and I would like to get it down to that again as much as possible.

I do have my artwork. my unframed, as yet, collages and my paintings and sculptures. Those I need to keep or find good homes for. I don't know how much of that my daughter will want. Most of my books are in English, so she will want those. Look at me, planning the end of my life already. One should always be prepared. I want to be like my parents and leave as little mess behind me as possible. It makes it easier for those who have to clean up after you. No morbid thoughts are attached to this. it's just a matter of practicality and the sense of my own mortality and what you drag around with you in this life, what you are burdened with. You have to leave quality stuff behind you.

I've started reading "Larry's Party," but I'm just at the beginning of it, so I don't know what to think of it yet, though it is well written. Just to be on the safe side, I have ordered "The Republic of Love, " which I read a long time ago, but have no memory of. It was during a time when I read an awful lot of books and I think I didn't absorb half of them and could read those again. A lot of them are on my wish list. I have a 162 books on my wish list and would like to do nothing better than to order them all at once in one fell swoop. It would wipe out my budget for the next 2 months an I would be unable to pay bills and buy food, but wouldn't it be great? I would love to receive boxes of books and frantically try to make room for them on my bookcases. I think a person can't have too many books, unless they're old and ratty.

I have 2 books by David Guterson and 2 by Michael Cunningham, but I'm unfamiliar with both of them and a little hesitant to start on them. I don't read male authors a lot, but these came recommended and I thought they might be worth a try. I just need to sit down and start reading them and come to my own conclusions, but I'm so picky about books and I hate to be disappointed, or worse, aggravated. The male point of view can be just a little more ruthless than the female, but that may be a prejudiced thought of me and the last male author I read, Sebastian Barry, I really liked a lot because of his sensitivity, so anything is possible. The preconceived ideas I have aren't necessarily true.

I've had two cups of coffee and have now switched to milk. You do start to burp after the second cup. At least I do, but that may be due to my gastric band. I like the taste of coffee, but only up to a point. After a certain amount I want something else to quench my thirst. I'm always in the mood for food that I don't have in the house. Right now it is thick and creamy yoghurt. I have no such thing in the refrigerator. I do have a package of noodles and may try that. I haven't eaten anything for awhile. When I do eat, I stay full for a long time and it takes some time before I am hungry again. It can take a whole day before I'm ready to eat again and even then it's not so much because I'm hungry. That's what the gastric band does.

It's funny how I can spend a whole night feeling absolutely no discomfort whatsoever, but completely at ease in my skin. The night must be my element. Someone said that it had to do with the chemicals in your brain at night. Something about them being more soothing. I forgot how exactly she worded it. For all I know it's the after effects of the sleeping pill. Whatever it is, it is very pleasant. I have no worries at night and feel very safe. I only start to get stress during the day when I feel i need to be alert against potential disasters, not that those happen a lot. It's just an old instinctive feeling. Maybe it's genetic memory. It's a good thing I have a dog.

I'm going to have some porridge now and after that take my medicines and go back to bed. It will be nice and warm there and cosy under the duvet. I've got my book and nothing can hurt me. Have a good morning when you wake up and have a good Sunday. Remember, it's a day of rest, so do something restful. Enjoy the flowers in your garden or the horses in your meadow or the wonderful results of your artwork.

Ciao,

Nora

A super Monday...

My domestic help just left and she did a super job cleaning the bathroom and the doors and the wood work and mopping the floors. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I gave her several options and she went straight to work. It was a completely different experience from last time when I didn't feel that I was in charge at all. So, I really want this girl to come back.

You all thought I was doing chores out of my own free will before she came over to make the apartment look good, but that is not the case. I had a list of things that I was supposed to take care of and I had not done a thing all week, so I thought I had better get busy on it. I should have been dusting and sweeping all week, but I didn't see the sense in that and it seemed like a waste of time. Before the domestic help came over I was supposed to dust and vacuum and mop the floors, and clean the toilet and wash basin.

Well, I dusted the livingroom and vacuumed my bedroom and the area rug, but Tyke gets very hyper and barks non stop when you vacuum and that's not pleasant for the neighbors. So I swept the rest of the apartment, but I refused to mop the floors. I sort of cleaned the toilet and the wash basin was okay. I was going to clean the door that the Exfactor got out of the shed, but never got around to it, and the girl ended up doing it for me today, which I thought was very nice of her.

I did figure that I did enough of my share of the work and busied myself with other things while she was here. So called administrative work and phone calls. I made it look all very important, and some of it really was, because I have decided to start the therapy classes at the location downtown and have to have an intake for that and I called to make an appointment for it. My contact person there was very happy to hear it and I feel full of p**s and vinegar and courage, and I've only had two cups of coffee so far.

I slept 11 hours last night, I went to sleep at 8 pm, because I was completely beat and sat here as a sad little sparrow behind the computer, and I woke up at 7 o'clock this morning. I thought that was enough sleep and got up, though maybe I could have slept more. Tyke decided it was time to get up and I did have to take my medicines. I only sat here slightly comatose, not as bad as it has been at other times, and I was functioning pretty quickly. At least within a half an hour. I allow myself to be completely confused for the first 30 minutes. I try to function, but I know it's useless. After a long sleep, my brain needs more time for reconstruction. I guess it takes the neurons a little while longer to find the pathways.

My sister did some groceries for me while the help was here. We couldn't go together, because she had other obligations later this afternoon. She picks up groceries for me and doesn't want to get paid for them, so I keep them to the bare minimum and only ask for a few things. I'm still trying to find out what her bank account number is, so I can transfer some money to it, but she won't tell me.

She's so generous and I have Nutella again, but I have to tell you, over all I feel better if I don't eat, or eat very little. Food does not make me happy. I only eat a little because I get hungry, but that's it. A few bites and that's enough. I don't indulge and I have no desire to. It's almost as if food is a mind altering substance and I like how I feel without it.

While the domestic help was here, Tyke was stealing the sponges out of her bucket and tearing them to pieces under the dining table. We only caught on to what he was doing when he walked into the living room with the third dripping wet sponge in his mouth. I was on the phone and had not noticed it, but I looked under the table and there were a hundred pieces of sponge lying there, and Tyke had that innocent "Who me?" look on his face. He was very disgusted that we had caught on to him and tried it a few more times, until I managed to distract him with a rawhide stick. He sure does like the domestic help, though, and follows them wherever they go and tries to steal their supplies, because he tries to get their cleaning rags too, but he finds everything they do interesting.

The windows haven't been cleaned yet and the sun is shining brightly through them. Oh, what a wonderful sight. It makes me almost want to do them myself, except that I am notoriously bad at cleaning windows. I could do the ones in the back, though, because the sun never shines on them and nobody would see if they were done well or not. The problem is that I would also have to do the woodwork and I'm less enthused about that. That's such finicky work. I will have to give this some thought and see if I can come to my senses.

Oh, it's completely later in the evening now and I got completely side tracked, because I wanted some music, but I had to get my speakers to work and they didn't, no matter what I tried, so I switched speakers, but I couldn't get them to work either, but never mind, I decided to go to Deezer anyway and start a new playlist for Jazz and got completely wrapped up in that, so I forgot all about the time and my surroundings. I was like a little fanatic woman going after as many jazz performers as I could think off and I will have the Exfactor look at the speakers tomorrow and see if he can make any sense of them. I realy have no idea what I am doing wrong, unless there is a cable missing that I am also supposed to plug in, though I have no idea where that cable would go. I am stumped and in need of expertise.

I'm sitting here quite cozily by the light of the desk lamp without a cup of coffee, so that brings my total to 3 today. Not bad, eh? From all the excitement of hanging out at Deezer and looking up artists, I have become so worked up that I am not in the least tired now and I need to find a way to slow down. I do want to have another good sleep like I had last night, but I guess you can't always expect repeat performances. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed, but I will put on my pajamas and pretend I'm very sleepy. Oh, I forgot, I have to walk Tyke still. I better do that before I put my pajamas on. I would look kind of strange if I went out there in my bathrobe.

I'm in a very good mood and feel invinceable, without a spell check it is hard to figure out if I wrote that right, but I'll assume that you know what I mean. I feel like doing great deeds and that I ought to do them now and not waste any time and now the act of sleeping seems like a waste of time. I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I can't lie about the amount of sleep I had, so I better make sure I get to bed at one point. I have to be so darn honest all the time. I can't tell any white lies for the sake of my own bestwill as I see fit. I feel like today the medicine really kicked in and started too work and tomorrow it will be two weeks since I started on it. No, actually, I took my first pill on a Monday evening, I think. Yes, I'm sure of it. Without psychiatric approval.

I have lost 4.5 kg. I wasn't going to get on the scale all the time, but now I find myself curious regularly and I do. I try not to make a daily habit of it and when I forget and have had a cup of coffee, I don't weigh myself. I have to do it first thing when I get up out of bed or not at all. Luckily, very often I forget. Otherwise it would become an obsession and I don't want it to be, because I eat what I eat and that has nothing to do with how much I weigh. I'm not going to count glasses of milk.

I just got natural capsules for the menopause in the mail that I had ordered on line and I just took the first one and I'm very curious to see if they will help me. They are recommended for women between 43 and 63 years of age. The big question is if they will interfere with my medications, that is always the risk I take. I will find out soon enough. I want to try them because I want to find out if they will help me with my night sweats and having to go to the bathroon every night. It says it will help that. Well, we'll see. Maybe these will be good and they will actually do their job, they are from a reputable firm, so I expect results. If I start to act funny, you know it will be why.

It's getting late now and I really do need to go walk my poor dog. I have given him a stuffed monekey to play with and it is a great success, except that now I keep thinkin, "What is that dead animals lying on the floor?"

I could go on talking at you guys forever, but I'll call a halt to it and spare you your patience. I have so much to say and nobody to say it to. Darn it!

Have a good night, you people!

Ciao,
Nora.

Neither here nor there...

An infinitesimal amount of people visited my blog today. I will not for one minute worry about being well known enough and start thinking of marketing strategies or popularity campaigns, though I'm sure that all such schemes exist. I've noticed that the most simple and insignificant blogs pull in the most followers and that long winded ramblers like me seldom get high up there in the ratings. There's too much to read and people just want something quick and not a treatise on life at my house. However, I always have much to say, and since it's my blog and I will keep saying it, I won't start worrying until the numbers start to really dwindle. Until I'm a lone voice in the desert.

I know that when I write a post about suicide attempts, or self harm, or a total nervous breakdown, with all the drama and tears to go with it, my readership suddenly goes up and I don't know why that is. So, I'm thinking that I must start making things up and have one of those events happen regularly and have lots of drama happen in my life, just as things are slowing down to a dull roar.

I also should post lots of pictures, because people seem to like them, so I'll have to start taking lot's of photographs of Tyke and the cats, which reminds me that I have to put batteries in my camera.

There, I took a bunch of pictures and then had to edit or delete them and locate them on the computer and stick them in a map where I could find them and it was all a little bit tiresome on a new computer. It didn't quite work the same way it did on my old computer, so I had to cheat a bit. A lot of my photographs are stored in Documents, because I could not get them into Images, and I had to store these in Documents also.

I just had to take my medicines and make myself a cup of coffee, because I had a complete sinking in moment. Suddenly life didn't seem all that wonderful and I hope to get over it quickly as soon as I've had my cup of coffee. I know, they are only fleeting feelings.

I bought a cigarette holder today that had a sticker on it that said, "Push here to open," and of course the first thing I did was remove the sticker, so now nobody will know how to open it but me. I also found an old watch with an adjustable metal band in my jewelry box and managed to get it off and attach it to the watch that was still working, but had a broken band. So, I solved that problem. Now the Exfactor doesn't need to go get a new battery for the other watch that stil has a band. The watch I have on is prettier and I bought it myself. It was one of my first purchases as a single woman.


I´m done writing this post now. I´m not all that satisfied with it, but I´m going to publish it anyway. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don´t. think I started out feeling like a nut when I first began this one. You know what you do when you write an unsatisfactory post, don´t you? You immediately start writing another one. I have the feeling that I´m staying up late tonight. It is Saturday after all and I must have my wild night too.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

After a long night.

You all know that I was short of sleep after yesterday's very early morning rising and no nap during the day, which is sort of miraculous for me, because I used to be famous for my naps. So, having lasted all day long on too little sleep, I was worn out by the early evening and I went to bed at eight o'clock and slept until 8 o'clock this morning. I want to say uninterrupted, but I did have to get up to go to the bathroom and another time to let Tyke out who started to bark by the bedroom door. I figured we couldn't have that, waking up the neighbors, so I released him, but he was back in the bedroom when I woke up this morning and hadn't gotten into anything while he was out. He probably just wanted to pester Gandhi.

So, I slept twelve hours and it took me an hour to really get my head together after I woke up. I realized I hadn't taken my medicines when I had been up for an hour and had finished my cup of coffee. It used to be the first thing I did at 7 o'clock in the morning, because I was already awake then. There's no chance of that happening now.

I also only drink three cups of coffee a day now. I have one in the morning, as opposed to the three I would have to get me functioning at a high enough level. I suppose I needed the caffeine to feel good. I was artificially altering my mood to a better one. I think I drink the morning cup of coffee out of habit now, I wonder if I really need it to get at any sort of level. A cup of tea might do the job too. Anyway. I don't have another cup of coffee until the afternoon, when I want one for the taste of it, because I do like a Senseo cup of coffee, but I'm very quickly satisfied and hardly ever finish it. Then I have another cup in the early evening for a little bit of a pick me up, but I never completely finish that one either. I think I don't need the coffee to alter my mood all the time. The medication is working to the point that it makes me feel good at a steady rate all day long and that is one of the things that I noticed very quickly. I'm taking Welbutrin, that also gets sold as Zyban that is used to help people quit smoking. It helps me stop eating.

I've taken Tyke for a walk and it is a different experience than taking Jesker for a walk. Tyke is full of life and very alert and curious. He notices everything around him and wants to investigate all. He picks up three different kinds of scents and wants to follow all of them. His nose is constantly to the ground, just like Jesker's was also. They have that in common. Tyke is also very busy marking his territory and kicking up dirt with his hind legs when he's done something on a bit of grass. I guess the biggest difference is that he notices noises from far away. Jesker was almost deaf and didn't really hear anything anymore, but Tyke picks up all the noise that goes on around us and stops and listens and tries to locate where it comes from. He's a clever little guy.

I'm sure Gandhi would disagree with me, as she constantly has to find her refuge on the dining table. She does get very tired of him and literally attacks him, which he thinks is playful behavior. She has her claws and teeth in his head, but he has such thick, curly hair, that he doesn't feel anything and thinks it's all a joke. They clearly miscommunicate. When she wags her tail, he thinks it means the same thing as when he wags his tail. He just totally adores her and thinks she's there for him to play with all day long just like another little puppy. I should get a little kitten for him to play with, except that I don't want more cats because of the neighbors. It would be a solution, though.

I hope this isn't going to be one of my hypomanic ideas in bringing happiness to my dog. I can just see it turn into one of those schemes that's going to end up badly and I will not have thought it through properly, but act on an impulse. The writing is on the wall. I will figure out a way to get a kitten and that will be the beginning of all my troubles. I have just warned myself while I am still of sound mind. There's already a devil sitting on my shoulder arguing with me. Maybe that was the little absence I just had. A change of mood.

I must go walk the dog again. I feel I need the exercise. After that I will attempt to do my income taxes. I do have to get serious about that and not be such a ninny. I have until April the first, but I don't want to postpone it until the last minute. I'm afraid I'll lose the letter reminding me to do so. I do fear the tax offices and the penalties I may get. I'm an obedient citizen. Just not a very eager one. I do procrastinate when given the chance and only do the things that give me pleasure. Sometimes there's so very little of that, that it must be taken advantage of. I'm ready for an overdose now.

Have a splendid day, everyone. I must rouse my dog and put him on his leash for a brisk walk.

Ciao,
Nora

Evaluation.

I think it is important to remember that what happened to me yesterday was due to withdrawal from my medication. I have very drastically gone from 450 mg to 150 mg a day, which is quite a change, and I was bound to run into trouble. It is going to take my body about 2 weeks to get adjusted to the new dose and then I will have to reduce the rest that I'm taking. In the meantime, the new medication needs about 2 weeks to build up into my body properly until it is at a constant level, so you see that these 2 weeks are going to be difficult for me. I didn't know ahead of time how difficult they were going to be, but yesterday afternoon showed me a glimpse of it.

I went through a long crisis and somewhere towards the end it started to dawn on me that I was having withdrawal symptoms. Once I realized that, I started to deal with it differently and not take everything so very personal and serious. I did take the withdrawal process seriously and knew I had to get through it the best way I knew how. I decided to let myself cry as much as I wanted to. So that's what I did and I cried about everything. After that I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a couple of hours.

This morning I feel better. I had a long night's sleep and didn't get up until eleven o'clock. It took me a good hour to come to my senses. It felt like I was awakening from a coma. I drank my coffee on the sofa and cuddled Tyke, who likes it when I sit on the sofa, because it gives him the opportunity to show me all his tricks that he thinks of himself. Like, how to jump from the sofa to the coffee table without knocking over the coffee cup that is standing there. Life is a circus here thanks to Tyke and his ingenuity. We rarely have a dull moment.

Having Tyke sleep in the bedroom with me at night is working out well, because he behaves very well and patiently waits for me to wake up. That's why I get to sleep so late in the morning. There's not a sound out of him all night and when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he follows me in and out of the bedroom with few problems. He does get sidetracked by Gandhi, but that is easily solved by calling him to order.

He also lets me know when he needs to go out back for a piddle. He's figured out how to do that on his own. He puts his front paws on my arm and looks at me very intently. That does not mean, I want a cuddle. It means, I have to go now! How I tell the difference I don't know. I think it's mostly guess work.

I realize that with me being comatose until the late hours of the morning, I can't make any appointments until the afternoon and I can't go shopping with my sister in the morning. I just talked to my sister and told her that we can't go shopping at 8 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, so we have to do it in the afternoon after my domestic help has been here.

It also turns out that my other digital alarm clock is broken, so now I'm without an alarm clock, but I'll tell you honestly that I'd hate to be awakened by an alarm clock in the morning before I'm done sleeping. It would be a disaster to not get the sleep I needed and to have to function on not enough. I think it's better if I just wake up on my own and get started at my own speed and save whatever appointments I have to make for the afternoons. I don't want to upset the precariously balanced apple cart.

I hope the episodes like I had yesterday are few and far between. Right now I feel so good, that I can't imagine having another one, but I know I mustn't tempt fate. Things aren't finely tuned right now and everything is unbalanced. I feel that I walk a tight rope and I could fall off at any moment. So, I must enjoy the times that go well and I do, believe me. Every moment that is pleasant is savoured. Nothing is taken for granted.

I have to get dressed now and take Tyke to go and have coffee with my sister. She is home from a week in Italy, so we have some catching up to do. Besides, she has very good coffee.

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Nora.

Anothter bright day.

Last night, after making sure there was nothing in the bedroom that Tyke could demolish, I brought all of his toys in there and brought him in there with me and closed the door, so we could have a good night's sleep. I worked out very well, and I woke up this morning with Tyke in my arms and it was 10 am. I had slept for nearly ten hours. Isn't that just absolutely wonderful?

It is a good thing that I woke up when I did, because very shortly thereafter, the doorbell rang and it was a lady from the foundation that is handling my domestic help and she came by to drop off some paperwork and have a nosy look around, no doubt. Well, she saw how things were and we filled out the paperwork and I did not make any apologies for anything, but I was still half asleep and I don't know what sort of impression I made on her. Never mind, though. It doesn't matter. I'm the woman who needs help. I'm not the queen in her palace.

It took me some time after she left to get my act together. I had to take my medicines, and make sure I took the right ones, and make myself a cup of coffee, and get the mail out of the mailbox, which I had not done in three days, so I thought I had better do that. Then I was too fuzzy headed to read it and left it for later until I was properly awake. I was also very thirsty and drank a tall glass of milk and let Tyke out back where he did his necessary business, because I was in no shape to walk him. It took me an hour to become halfway functional and even then I was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

I'm not complaining, though. I love how much I sleep. It's a godsend. I get up once during the night to go to the bathroom, but am immediately asleep again and hardly remember going. I do it on automatic pilot. People could be having a party in the living room and I would not know about it.

I'm still yawning now and I wonder if that is an after effect or a sign that I need to sleep more. I'll just consider it an after effect. I may take a nap later this afternoon, but I'm going to stay up now. I'm too glad to be awake and feel the effects of my medication. The calmness of it all. The lack of stress. I hope it stays that way.

It was so funny to wake up with Tyke in my arms. I don't know how he got there, but it was very cozy. He had been there for a long time, I do remember that. That's the benefit of lying in bed, there's more room for the both of us. It is nice to have another warm body beside you, even if it is a dog. It's a living thing and it is lovable, so I am not complaining about that.

The cats had been locked out, but it didn't seem to have bothered them at all, At least they had been freed of the enthusiasm of the dog for a whole night and I'm sure they appreciated that. He does love Gandhi so much and constantly wants to play with her, until she is sick and tired of it and starts to complain. Luckily, she now has the sense to jump on the dining table where he can't get to her, but it sure took her a long time to figure that out. I guess she isn't that bright. Don't get me wrong, she's very sweet and I love her, but she's gullible and she lets Tyke get away with things, but always comes back to hang out with him.

Now I need some fresh air and I'm going to take him for a walk and have the wind blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's overcast and 4C outside. Not too cold, but not exactly balmy either.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleeping Beauty?

You're all not going to believe this, but I slept 9.5 hours last night. I don't believe it myself, but it's true. It's been many years ago since I slept that long. It's an absolute record breaking event and I should get a gold medal for it, or at least an honorable mention. I got up because I needed to take my medicines and the dog needed to be fed and walked, of course. I might have slept longer otherwise.

It may possibly have to do with the fact that I take my antipsychotics at night now instead of spread out during the day, which made me sleepy in the daytime. It may have to do with the new medication, although you are supposed to get insomnia from that. I haven't noticed that, although I do go to bed later, but I don't lie awake.

Either way, I am so grateful to be sleeping for such long stretches on end. I have wanted this to happen for such a long time, but didn't think it ever would again. I thought I was doomed to a life of cat naps.

I'm trying to drink less coffee too and drink more milk. I can't drink the fruit juice, because it upsets my stomach and makes my eczema itch. I can't drink tea with sugar, because it makes me cough. I haven't tried tea without sugar yet. Somehow it's not as appealing. Cold milk quenches my thirst and is filling. When I don't feel like eating, a glass of cold milk does the job. I don't feel like eating lots of times, which is okay, because my body could feed quite a few cannibals. Coffee was an artificial method to try and make myself feel better, I don't have to do that now. I feel better already.

I'm getting help in the household starting next Monday. This is really someone who comes to clean. First for two hours, but it can be for more if it's necessary. Up to four hours, but I don't think I will need that much time. Isn't that great? It is such a relief to me to get someone in to help me get things back in order and to keep them in order. I will do a little bit of cleaning before she comes, but not too much. It has to stay realistic. I do have a problem that I need help with.

I have to go and bring some order into my life now. Just the ordinary odds and ends that belong to living with cats and a dog.

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting my time again, what am I to do?

I went to bed very late last night and I blame the diet Coke I was drinking, being very thirsty and not thinking of the caffeine that was in it. It was super delicious and very thirst quenching, but of course, it made me wide awake for some time. It was nearly morning before I fell asleep.

I was woken up at ten AM by the doorbell and ran to answer it in my pajamas, because I thought it was the Exfactor who was supposed to come over. Well, not. It was my neighbor who asked me what I was going to do about those cats of mine. Since I was in my pajamas and not awake yet, I had no answer and I told him to give me half an hour and I would be with him.

I got dressed and had a mug of coffee and took my medicines and went over to see him and he was quite upset. He had a raised flowerbed that he had covered with a glass plate in which he grew seedlings for his vegetable garden. He had left a gap between the glass plate and the edge of the flowerbed and a cat had gotten in there and shat in there and ruined all his seedlings.

We had quite a discussion, but what came out of it, was that it probably is Nouri, the white cat, who is doing this, so a solution needs to be found as soon as possible. I told him that I would discuss the problem with my ex husband and that we would come up with something.

Then the neighbor got very upset on behalf of me for the Exfactor taking off and leaving me to deal with the problem, while he still comes back here on a regular basis to use the shed as his workshop.

Anyway, the Exfactor came and I told him Nouri had to go and I offered him several options that he could take advantage of and he is going to look into all three of them and have Nouri gone from here within a week, so I can tell our neighbor that and he will be happy to hear that because he was threatening to call the police.

So far that's the end of this chapter on that subject as far as I'm concerned and I brought home a whole bag of cat shit this morning.

It wasn't the most fun way to wake up, but when you have cats, you get these sorts of complaints and I think that when you live in a small space, it is better not to have any cats at all, at least not when your neighbor insists on having a flowerbed that looks like a big litter box.

Now I'm supposed to be cleaning house and going to the store and I will do all these things as soon as I have gotten the need to write out of my system and I have finished this diet Coke.

The weather outside is beautiful, the sun is shining and it is warm.

--------------------

My upstairs neighbor was just here and she thinks I'm the best thing since the invention of the wheel. She tells me so many confusing stories, but little by little I am getting a picture of her life and it ain't pretty. Some people are bound to lead tragic unhappy lives. They attract it. There must be some kindness in me that's attractive to her, because she tells me intimate details, but not excessive enough for me to quite understand them all. It's a puzzlement. I even had to give her some tobacco, because she was all out of hers. That's pretty gutsy, asking someone for tobacco. I don't know if I would have the audacity to do that.

My sister is on vacation in Italy and I have to take care of her mail and the fish. She has an alarm that I have to turn off with a code and turn on again when I leave. I hope I don't screw that up. I have visions of the alarm going off endlessly and me not being able to stop it.

Well, now I have to feed and walk the dog and go to the store. Hurray! Such happy things to do on a bright and sunny day. It's been a completely screwed up day so far, with everything happening at the wrong time. Somehow I must put some order back into it. It will probably happen right around bed time, if I'm lucky.


Have a wonderful day, even if it is raining on you. Remember, Mother Nature needs that too.

Ciao...

I'll be darned...

I only fell asleep for a very brief time on the sofa after the news tonight. I did manage to watch all of the news and I know the country has been in a recession since April now. That was the happy news they told us tonight.

Every time I watch the news, things become more dire, for the middle classes especially, but I don't belong to them, so I am managing some optimism still. I can't get lower down the economic ladder than I am, so I am frankly not all that worried, but I do feel sorry for the other people who stand to loose so much and watch their hard earned money fly out the window.

The government is doing its best, they really are, but who can fight this crisis? We'll be left with a huge deficit for future generations to pay off, there is no other solution it seems, although people are breaking their heads to try and come up with one. Not every solution is welcome to every group of the population, that's what makes it so hard. And it is always the people with the most money who are the least willing to give up a bit of it.

They are thinking of raising the retirement age to 67 years and getting rid of the mortgage interest tax deduction and especially the latter is causing a lot of resistance among the people who own their own homes. I am not going to express my own point of view here, but I know what I think about both these issues.

Well, anyway, maybe we need Barack Obama over here to set us straight, although secretly I think the whole world is keeping an eye on what he is doing and may be following his lead if the situation is applicable to their country. Although, now that I think of it, he may be finding his inspiration in Europe and following our lead. Actually, I think his inspiration is Franklin D. Roosevelt, who was an old Dutchman himself and the perfect example of a Western European Socialist. Don't ever confuse that with Stalinism. That's a totally different brand.

So, I'm sitting here with my decaf and my loyal dog close by who has been to the vet and has gotten 2 kinds of ointment to be applied to both eyes twice a day. His right eye was badly infected again, although it is always hard to catch, because his eyes are always on the red and droopy side. The vet had to put little strips of paper under his eyelid and practically sat on top of him to keep him in place. The strips of paper where to see what kind of bacteria it wasn't and how much eye fluid there was.

The dog was really well behaved though, he knows the vet is not really going to do anything harmful to him. He doesn't try to get away from him and he doesn't growl. Poor guy. I mean the dog. He does need an awful lot of petting though. He keeps coming up to me to have his ears scratched and his head rubbed. I guess he thinks he deserves that after that visit and having me put 2 kinds of ointment in his eyes.

Well, now it is officially tomorrow, I've done it again. I've stayed up past my bedtime. Hee, hee. It gives me so much joy. I really feel like I'm getting away with something. At least I'm not looking deep into a glass of alcohol and drinking myself silly and making inane remarks. There are people who do that, you know. I'm going to have to fess up to my SPN, though, that I'm spending an inordinate amount of time behind the computer again and that I'm keeping late hours too. It's better if I'm up front about that.

I'll be sensible now and go to bed. I really do have to be responsible up to a point. I can't throw all caution to the wind.

Have a terrific night and a good morning. Your award is in the post before this one.

Ciao...

So what else is new?

Last night at 2 AM for some reason, probably nothing to do whatsoever with hypomania, right, I was still awake and not at all in conflict with myself about where I should have been. I mean, a normal person would have been in bed by that time and sound asleep, but I had these two arguing voices inside of me, which kept telling me two opposite things. One said, "Oh, you can stay up as long as you like, nobody cares." And I got all happy when I heard that voice, because it was true, nobody was the least bit bothered by how late I went to bed. I could never go to bed and still nobody would have cared. I was my own mistress and I could be as foolish as I wanted to be, as damn irresponsible as I dared to be and as stupid as my own brain allowed me to be.

But then there was the other little voice. The voice of reason that told me that going to bed at a reasonable hour was sensible and that it was the wisest thing to do and that people who are hypomanic especially need to stick to a schedule.

Well, so I was drinking decaf and I had put on my pajamas and bathrobe and I had taken my medicines. At least to that point I was sensible, but the rest of me stubbornly stayed behind the computer doing senseless things.

The poor dog was confused and didn't know where to go to sleep. He had already been on his pillow in the bedroom, but had come out again and was asleep on his blanket under the coffee table. He is always very worn out after he has had a haircut and a bath. It is as if the excitement of the car trip and the actual event are just too much for him and he needs to recuperate. He didn't realize that he hadn't been aired properly and that he had only had a long piddle out back. All he did was sleep.

Finally, the medication started to make me sleepy and I made it to bed just on time and didn't even read my book, but laid down and folded my hands over my chest and went straight to sleep. I don't know what happened to the dog. I forgot to look if he followed me.

I am going to find him some food for overweight dogs. I just can't bear to look at him the way he is. I am slightly exaggerating the way he looks, but I think because he has osteoarthritis he should not be overweight at all. He has such a good appetite nowadays and our walks have been short, so doubtlessly he has gained weight. The thing is though, that with my toe the way it is, I can't walk too far, although there is one pair of boots that is more comfortable than the others. So, longer walks it is.

I'm having a wonderful time here sitting behind the computer, while outside it has started to snow of all things. Hopefully it is just a little flurry, because I can also see the sun shining, but we're supposed to have showers all day. Luckily, I only have to walk the dog today and not go out for anything else. I still assert that this snow does not take the notion of springtime out of my head and that I see it all as a fluke of nature. I am the eternal optimist, aren't I?

Speaking of optimism, I am filled with it lately. Everywhere I go, I not only see glasses half full, I see them filled to the rim. I have a Disneyland view of the world and nothing can go wrong. I know that this is a completely asinine way of looking at things, but I can't help myself, I only see good outcomes. A good dose of realism doesn't make any difference, because I would still see the golden lining somewhere. That makes me a horrible person to have around, because I am amazingly short of sympathy. Overly optimistic people always are. You know you just want to shoot them.

I don't know how to stop being this way, because surely the world is not put together the way I see it. I only see easy solutions and not problematic catastrophes. I am God in my own thoughts. I am convinced of my own righteousness and think my own brand of optimism should be patented and applied to all. But...that's how dictators are born, aren't they? I could be Fidel Castro. Remember to never vote for me if I should ever run for any kind of office.

The sun is shining brightly again and I must walk the Überhund in all his nakedness. I hope the other dogs don't laugh at him. It would hurt his feelings so.

You all have a good day.

Ciao...

Comment Downpour.

Whenever I write a post about my life, no matter how complicated I think it gets, I always get a downpour of positive comments and I consider myself so fortunate and so much loved that it is hard for me to explain how much it means to me all.

You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.

Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.

I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.

The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...

I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.

I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.

Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.

It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.

So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,

Mwah...

With the exception.

I spent the time from midnight until about 3 PM behind the computer, with the exception of the time I spent walking the Überhund. It was too much and I had to force myself to shut it off and walk away from it. It was an abnormal amount of time to spend behind the computer and changing my imago several times turned out to be very difficult too. I had a hard time with that. My whole identity laid in that name and when I changed it and kept changing it, I kept loosing little bits of myself, until I became a bit lost, well, a lot lost. I got to the point that it scared me. So I turned the computer off.

Then I realized that I was hitting a huge low and I don't know if it was from the lack of sleep or from changing my identity, but I felt terrible and was afraid to go near the computer again. I decided to take a sleeping pill and try and get some sleep, in the hope that I would feel better after I woke up, but sometime after I took it, my sister called to tell me that she couldn't make it to our divorce party, because she had another commitment.

I explained to her that I had been up since midnight and that I was trying to sleep, but that it wasn't working, but I never know what I can expect of her, so I expect nothing. Afterwards, I cried and felt like shit and decided to call the Exfactor who had his phone turned off. Now, for some reason, when he is spending time with the Paramount he shuts his phone off so nobody can reach him, which I think is very immature. It is as if none of us are allowed to know that he is spending time with the Paramount and have conversations with him then.

So, feeling deeply distressed, I called the Paramount, who handed her phone to the Exfactor right away, who pretended not to know that his phone was not turned on. Of course, he couldn't do a thing for me, not even talk properly, so I said I would call the Crisis Phone and get help there, which I did.

I got a nice enough professional to talk to and felt somewhat better when I got off the phone. It was a better experience than it was the time before. This man listened and asked smart questions and understood right away what my fear was, that I was afraid of becoming manic, and we talked about ways to prevent that from happening.

Finally the sleeping pill started to work and I slept for about an hour or so, but it was enough. I still have that fear that my identity is lost to me and I don't know what to do about it, except to reverse things as much as possible. I think I have crossed a line into a, for me, uncomfortable area that's too far removed from my center and I feel afraid. The title of my blog is too abstract and the image is too alien to me. I am moving into uncharted waters and I am afraid to drown and I want to go back to the comfortable shore.

I could do this for somebody else, but I can't do it for me. I can't be avant garde for me. It has to do with who I am and how I perceive myself emotionally and intellectually. I suppose I can be a Vincent van Gogh, but not an Andy Warhol. I need solidness and reality, at least van Gogh's kind. That's how far I have evolved.

There, I have changed things back to The Choppy Sunflower. Which is where they should have stayed in the first place. Change for the sake of change is not always good, in my case it isn't.

This day will go down in my personal history as a day of infamy. The whole thing reeks of embarrassment to me. Of lessons learned the very hard way, never to be repeated again.

Ciao...

Early in the morning.

Well, I have sat here all night fiddling with Ubuntu, getting some things to work and figuring out other things, but having a heck of a time getting onto my own dashboard to write a post and that has something to do with cookies and I can't seem to get the thing tweaked right. I got in now by a back door, but it may not work a second time. There are still things I don't know how to do and that bothers me, because I don't like to not know how to do things. Something stubborn in me rears its head then and I keep going until I have it figured out. I'll be darned if I don't find out how to do it.

The Überhund finally gave up on me and went to sleep in the bedroom. He came out briefly very early and had a pity party, but I was not kind to him and told him to lay off and quit the noise and he did, much to my amazement, and then he went back to the bedroom. I have no time for shenanigans, I am doing important stuff here. The future of my PC interaction is at stake.

Actually, when I start up the computer, I have a choice to go with Windows XP or with Ubuntu, if I don't do anything, it goes to Windows by default. The start up screen of Ubuntu is very pretty. It has a stylized heron on it and a nice color background, very artistic. Ubuntu is an ancient African word that means 'humanity to others'. It is mine to share with whoever I wish to. Completely free of royalties.

I can't believe I stayed up all night and I am not in the least bit tired, just a bit cold, so I'm wearing an extra cardigan.

Yesterday, I bought a pair of high tops for 6,95 Euros at a very cheap store. They look like boxer shoes and they are black with black laces and they are very comfortable to walk the dog in. They have zippers on the insides, so they are easy to get on and off. What a bargain, huh? Oh, I love to make a good deal.

My daughter called me yesterday and there was a small chance that she was going to have her electricity turned on again that day after all that time. My grandson has not been to school all this time and my daughter has taken him in to work whenever it has been possible. She said that right after the hurricane, the downtown area looked like Armageddon had happened. An insurance adjuster was going to come by her house yesterday to look at the damage to her roof and see how much it would cost to get it fixed and all that good stuff that needs to get settled on.

Her dog wasn't in the least bit scared when the storm just kept whipping and howling around their house endlessly. Their cat was in a cozy place inside. My daughter did say that it was as if there was never going to come an end to it, it seemed to last forever.

The Überhund keeps coming out to see what I am doing, but he has not dared to ask for a walk or anything. I must take him out now, though. It is not fair to him if I keep sitting here like a maniac. A fanatic woman. I knew I would get this way once I got started on this darn thing.

Okay, I'll be good now and take the poor animal out. It will be good for me too.

See you later today, maybe.

Ciao...