Being sensible...

I suppose that a lot of times it's difficult to do the thing that's best for you and you choose the thing that is the most agreeable. I should be sleeping right now and I have been to bed. I spent two hours there, but I didn't sleep, so I got up again and made myself some coffee because I knew that would put me in an excellent mood. I wanted to enjoy the wee hours of the night while I was in this good mood and I was not disappointed because I am. 

I have the alarm clock set for five hours from now and at this rate I'm not going to get a lot of sleep at all. I'm not worrying a lot about that now and I will see what happens when the time comes. I will deal with the difficulties as they arise. No doubt I will be taking a nap later on in the day if I don't want to run into the inevitable problems. 

I was in too good a mood when I went to bed and didn't feel at all sleepy. I went there out of a sense of responsibilty. It was late so I had to go to sleep. I was not nearly done being awake and active and was not in the mood to slow down. I thought lying down in my bed would get me in the proper mood, but it didn't work out that way. You know about best laid plans...

I have been having a slight migraine since this afternoon. It gets worse if I move my head around or bend over, so I avoid doing those things. Sometimes I forget and do them anyway. I haven't had a real migraine in a very long time. I do have a history of them when I was younger. I remember spending lots of time in darkened rooms. I don't know why I should have one now. It's a mystery to me. I've got to put paracetamol on the shopping list.

I suppose I'll go to bed now and try to get a few hours of sleep. I must be sensible sometimes. I do feel a little bit of pressure to do the right thing.

Have a good day everyone. Enjoy the week. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Not smoking...

I've had two days of not smoking now and I must say that it's not always easy. I think about cigarettes and wanting to smoke one a lot. There are times when it is almost constantly on my mind.

Luckily, I am unable to smoke because I have removed all the tobacco from the apartment. There is none here that I can make cigarettes with in a moment of temptation. I find that much easier to deal with because now if I get those cravings for them, I don't have to worry about giving into them. I can go ahead and acknowledge the craving and know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I find it easier to drink a cup of coffee without a cigarette than to drink a glass of milk without one. I don't know why that is. I haven't yet started to compensate for the lack of cigarettes by starting to eat more. Maybe that is because I have the nicotine patch.

I have been told that regardless, I will gain a couple of kilos because everybody does once they stop smoking. It's a small price to pay, I think. It has to do with the slowing down of your metabolism or something along those lines. It was explained to me by the person who I had an appoinment with at the doctor's office, but I don't quite remember it all now.

Enough about that. There are other things in life than quitting smoking, although it doesn't seem that way right now.  I am sort of preoccupied with it at the moment.

This morning I'm going to Ikea with my sister to pick up the things I will need to finish transforming the living room. I've got my shopping list all ready to go and I know that the items I want are available. I'm looking forward very much to going and buying the things I need, but I'm looking forward even more to coming home with them and putting them in place.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling unsettled, I took the dog for a long walk, much to the pleasure of the dog. We took a route that we seldom take and the dog was well behaved. He didn't dawdle everywhere. We walked at a pretty steady pace and when we got home I really felt that we had gotten some exercise.

When I still proved to be uneasy because of the non smoking policy, I went to bed and took a nap. I had changed the sheets and very gladly got in between them. The nap got me over the worst part of the cravings. It's funny that the daytime should be the worst for missing the cigarettes. I had not expected that. I thought it would be worse during the nighttime, like right now.

This is, after all, when I have the most fun and when I indulge in all my pleasures. I let it all hang out during the night, or so I thought. Apparently I'm not as out of control as I thought I was. I am, for the most part, just as sensible during the night as I am during the day. There goes my reputation as a fun girl. It's completely shot.

I must go back to bed now. I have nothing interesting left to write about and I want to go to sleep so it will be morning soon. I'm like a kid anticipating a school outing.

Ciao,
Nora

Once more into the jungle...

I am deeply involved with a close family member's psychological problems and, although it is something I can not blog about freely, I do want to bring it to your attention because it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It is a responsibilty that I don't take lightly and I realize how much depends on how well I deal with my involvement with this. I am called upon to be very wise and sensible and to think before I act and say anything lest I say the wrong thing or make the wrong move.

I wanted to paint this picture for you because I didn't want you to think that I just merrily skipped through life without a worry on my mind as I give the impression to. I have a tendency sometimes to be on the shallow side and not get into everything too deeply because of a sense of decorum. I can't give away too many secrets. Especially not when I blog about other people, but there is a lot more going on beneath the surface than I let on. 

I am able to help someone else because of my own experiences. I have had many hard lessons in life and learned a lot from them and no doubt still will. I can apply what I have learned and discovered to someone who hasn't quite gotten there yet but who is exploring desperately. I won't overstep my boundaries and think that I will take the place of a professional, that is not my intention. I will merely be a helper in that process and and another person making it more insightful. I do realize the importance of my role. 

I am sitting here getting mightily chilled because of the cold milk I am drinking. I have had my cups of coffee and I am more than lucid. 

I am in the process of learning to sleep at night without my sleep medication. I am doing pretty good so far. I do still get up for a few hours, but all in all I manage to get enough sleep. At least as much as I did when I was still taking it so it makes no difference. I don't sit here any longer in the middle of the night getting that high that I used to get and I am glad about that. It was an artificial high and I didn't really enjoy it. I much rather feel like myself.

It is really the dog who I need to train that I have to sleep through the night. He does insist on waking me up halfway through. Sometimes I manage to settle him down and sleep for another hour, but he usually manages to make enough of a pest of himself to get me up. I guess it is a habit that is going to die hard. I am going to have to apply some psychology to him. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sensibility...

It's about time I write something sensible here, although I'm not sure I'm capable of it. I'm in a good enough mood, that's not the problem. I just may be short of sensible things to write about. I will have to delve deep within myself and see if I can come up with something. If not, this will turn out to be a lot of nonsense. That may have its attractions also, of course. We will see. 

Yesterday I had on a pair of nice lacy leggings that didn't have tight enough elastic in them. Any time I did any sort of walking, the leggings almost ended up on my knees. I kept having to hitch them up in a very unladylike fashion. That looked ridiculous, of course. I couldn't really go out in them, although they looked nice when they were up. I've got to tighten the elastic in them today or throw them out and they are new too. So much for the mishaps. 

Other than that it was an ordinary sort of dull day. It rained on and off, but I didn't mind that one bit. It fit my mood, which was sort of one in which I wanted to hibernate and do cozy things like sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel. The dog decided otherwise and wanted me to concentrate on him and the tennis ball instead. So I tossed it a lot at the danger of hitting fragile pieces of wall decorations. All went well except for how often I had to retrieve the ball out from underneath the sofa.

I had on a mini dress and felt like a young woman. I decided not to look in the mirror to shatter the illusion. It's best not to see your own reflection when you think you look especially good. I'm very good at avoiding looking in mirrors. I just refuse to acknowledge their existence and pretend they are not there. It's best to live in denial and not to be aware of your less pretty bits. They don't need close scrutiny. A glimpse from the distance every so often is more than enough. That's one way to deal with vanity. 

Today threatens to be another dull day that I will have to give meaning to to the best of my abilities. I'm sure I will pull it off like I always do, one way or the other. I do somehow find satisfaction in my own company providing I'm in a good mood and I've had enough sleep. I don't think I'll have to worry about that today. I'm going back to bed as soon as I'm done writing this and I will try to sleep late. That's the best way to get through the dull morning when there's nothing to do. I prefer the afternoons when the sun shines through the living room windows. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and, besides freezing my brain, it will hopefully also make me very cheerful. Cold milk does have the tendency to do that. It's also making me burp, but those are the usual sound effects.

I should go back to bed now. The duvet is calling my name. I'm taking my medicines first. It is that time of the morning again. I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Meanderings...

I'm ever so cozily sat here in the semi darkness with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in my warm red bathrobe. It isn't really chilly in here, but I pretend it is the middle of the winter and that I have to guard myself against the arctic cold. I haven't even got the heater on, but I'm wearing my socks. It's like I'm having a big old adventure all by myself in the middle of the night. A person does have to use her fantasy on occasion and make life more interesting than it is. 

Luckily, there isn't a huge snowstorm raging outside because in reality that would not make me happy at all. I'm sure I'm not ready for it. It's okay to imagine it, but to actually have to deal with it is another matter. It's very mild outside and has been for the time of year. Actually, we're having a bit of a drought and the water level in the rivers is low. We haven't had enough rain over the last weeks and for the next little while, there is no rain in the forecast.

It's been a pleasure to take the dog out for walks as I haven't had to dress really warm. There's been sunshine every day, although it's not all that strong. There's no wind to speak of, so that makes it very pleasant. The dog is oblivious of the weather and his fur is growing back in. Before it gets really cold, he should be warm enough again. He hasn't been doing any shivering lately.

He does gallivant around and keeps me in shape. We walk at a steady pace along familiar grounds and make our regular stops. I find this is better than taking a new route. A new route means nothing but non stop sniffing and raising his leg and we never get anywhere. It takes us forever to get home again. I have to be endlessly patient and wait while he minutely investigates every unexplored spot. You can imagine there are many when you are on new terrain. 

I'm a bit bronchial and have been coughing. This has caused me to have inflammation of the cartilage where my ribs meet my sternum. It's on the left side and hurts when I breathe and cough and use my left arm. I didn't have to go to the doctor to get this diagnosis as I have had this before. I'm taking Ibuprofen for it and hope to get some relief that way. There's not much else that can be done for it. Yes, cortisone shots, but I'm not much in the mood for them.

The glass is always half full and my right side doesn't hurt, so that is good. I can take cough medicine and may even have some in the kitchen cabinet. I'll have to have a look. There's an herbal one that works well and I may have some of that. I can also get some A. Vogel Echinaforce as that's supposed to be good for your resistance and there's probably some good cough medicine from that brand too. I will ask the Exfactor to get me some. A. Vogel has a good reputation. The medicines are made from plant and herbal extracts and are available in a good drugstore. 

The night does move on and it's time to go to bed again. It's the lure of my new duvet that makes it such a pleasure to want to go. Besides, I'm slightly sick and do need my sleep. It's only smart if I go back to bed now. It's tough to be sensible, but somebody has to be. 

Ciao,

Nora

Conclusions...

Okay, so I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and he didn't tell me to quit whining and get on with my life, but he may just as well have because that's how I interpreted what he did say to me. That's the message I came away with. He also said that the tranquilizers didn't discriminate between emotions and didn't just eliminate the unpleasant ones, but also the pleasant ones.

I left the office with a lot on my mind and the first thing I did was stop taking the tranquilizers during the day because I did want to feel whatever pleasant feelings I had. I don't miss them one bit and am not going through any kind of withdrawal. I still take them at night with my sleeping pill to help me sleep, though I'd like to quit them altogether. 

I spent the rest of my free time thinking about things a lot and I realized that I don't spend enough time living in the moment. I'm constantly anxiously thinking ahead of time and worrying about all the things I'm supposed to take care of and dreading them. I don't live in the 'here and now.'

I'm now making an effort to do that and to constantly call myself back to the present moment and to not worry about the things that are supposed to happen. I could keel over from a heart attack and all I will have done is worry about  what I was supposed to have done and not enjoyed the moment I was living in.

I also realized that the person who had been in charge of my life lately was my 'frightened child' and that all my actions and reactions and emotions were coming from this entity. You can't let a frightened child be in charge of your life. All will come to naught and the whole thing will turn into a disaster. 

What I had to do was let my 'sensible adult' be in charge of my life and let that person make the decisions and react to the different circumstances. I do have a very well developed sensible adult in me, but I had acted like I didn't and had regressed to the frightened child and let her run the show in the hope that someone would come along and rescue it.

I realize now that I don't need to get rescued and that my sensible adult is quite capable of taking care of things so now, all day long, I'm posing this question to myself: who's in charge here? Once I find out who is, I make sure that the sensible adult takes the lead. 

Sometimes I have a happy child who's more in the foreground. I do give that person some space and let her enjoy herself while at the same time satisfying my adult curiosity. There's room for both, but there's no room for a frightened child, although it does need to be soothed every once in a while. It does get scared, but is not allowed to be in charge. 

So Friday and Saturday were big learning moments and I made huge steps in the right direction. Once you understand the mechanism, you can make the changes necessary. It's also important to know what triggered the frightened child to come to the surface. I'm starting to learn to lay the link now, but let's just say that she came to the surface an awful lot. I was almost constantly frightened. 

Learning to live in the 'now' is a real challenge and one that I constantly have to remind myself to do, although at times I'm so relaxed and caught up in something enjoyable that it happens automatically. But it's something I'm going to need to work at. It won't happen overnight. I have to learn to mindfully hang up the laundry, for example. And to mindfully sit in my armchair. 

When I do this, I realize how many aches and pains I have in my body that I'm not normally aware of. I also get a headache that's like a migraine and one sided like the ones I used to get when I was a kid.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist again on Monday, but I will be seeing him with a whole different attitude. He will not see a tearful victim of circumstances who is wishing for a 'happy pill.' He will see someone who's taken charge of her life. Timing is everything in life and he said the right thing at the right time and I don't even remember exactly what it was. It's what I came away with that counts.

That's enough of a long ramble and explanation. I will stop now and save the rest for another time. I'm sure I will do more philosophizing. 

I hope you're all having a great night and a good weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

Delaying tactics...

I was already laying in bed when I realized I wasn't really tired and couldn't fall asleep. I was just basically laying there for the coziness and to listen to the radio. I decided those were not good enough reasons to stay in bed and got up again and put my bathrobe on. I will try again later when I'm truly sleepy. When I really, really want to go to bed. 

Now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I'm not going to make the mistake I made last night and drink a pot of it. I will switch to a glass of milk on time so as not to get too wired and cause myself a sleepless night. I learned that lesson the hard way and I don't want a repeat of the day I had today in which I rapid cycled. That was no pleasure. Luckily, I was able to fix that with some extra anti-psychotic medication when I finally thought of it. 

I'm fine now and I'm calm again, although I have to say that everything is precarious and I'm aware of that now and I realize that I mustn't push my luck. I have a tendency to do everything to extremes and I mustn't do that. I will not stay up until the wee hours and do complicated things that require a lot of mental energy and emotional input. The desire is there, but I will have to ignore it and not give into it. I want each night to be an adventure in contrast to my relatively dull days. 

I have to be my own guardian and monitor my own behavior and do the things that are sensible, much as I don't like to do them sometimes. It's so much nicer to give into an impulsive idea and let it happen and not think about the consequences. Today should have been a lesson to me that I should not forget and I can't pretend that it wouldn't happen again the same way. It's no laughing matter when you get suicidal thoughts because you're rapid cycling. 

I have a great desire to keep playing with the design and names of my blogs. I think possibly I'm not satisfied enough with the way things are now. I think they are too tame and ordinary. I'm striving for a form of perfection without knowing if I will achieve it. I can't leave well enough alone. It must represent a basic dissatisfaction I have with my life that I'm projecting onto my blogs. If my blogs are perfect, my life will be too. 

It's a small psychological insight that's not going to help me much. It's not going to get me over my urge and desire. Only some amount of sensibility is and sometimes that is hard to find. When it is nighttime anyway. At night I always have great desires and lots of plans. It's when my head is in the clouds and my feet aren't firmly planted on the ground.

It's not quite bedtime yet. I don't yet feel the urge to go to sleep. I want to prevent myself from waking up in the middle of the night because then I'll really be in trouble. The Exfactor is going to be here in the morning to do the groceries and I have appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN early in the afternoon, so I have to be in good shape.

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Nothing like it...

There's nothing like a cold glass of milk when you're quenching your thirst, except that you then want a second and third one and I do have to draw the line somewhere, don't I? I'll run out of milk before it's shopping day if I don't. And it does make your body cold all over if you have more than one ice cold glass, which makes you want to put on your bathrobe for warmth. I just did that, because I couldn't resist temptation. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.

I was asleep already, but was awakened by my neighbors a few houses down who are having a cocktail party in their back garden. There's a cacophony of laughing and shouting voices, no doubt helped along by some alcohol. I'll have to close my window when I go to sleep next or they will have stopped their party by that time. Maybe all the people will be driven inside by the cold. It's only 11C outside, after all. They must all be out there with jackets on. Maybe these are all the guests that smoke cigarettes. If so, there are many of them.

The day went by fine. I walked Tyke three times and all three times he acted like a runaway elephant from the circus. He hopped, skipped and jumped all over the place, he was that happy to be outside. He was 18 months old yesterday and still acts and looks like a puppy. He is endearing when you see him and everybody wants to pet him, especially old ladies.

I read my novel, which I now realize is a "feel good" novel. I'll finish it nevertheless, because it is interesting enough and I'm far enough into it to stop reading it. I do want to know how it ends, but it's not the sort of novel I would normally read. It's a little bit too simple for that. I like one with more darker aspects to it. In this one someone is either a good guy or a bad guy, and the good guys are really good. Unconditionally so. It seems a movie has been made of this book, but I don't know how well it did in the theaters.

I watched a program about Alma Mahler, the wife of Gustav Mahler, who married two Jews in a time when it was not so popular to and she made her escape with her second husband to California and later to New York. When she went back after the war to reclaim her property in Austria, she was asked by the judge why she as a nice Christian woman had married two Jewish men, at which point she left Austria and never returned. She composed music of her own, but gave it all up when she married Mahler, who could not stand a wife who also composed. He thought she had to live in service of him. Her second husband was more broadminded and gave her all sorts of room to develop herself. His name was Franz Werzel who wrote the book The Song of Bernadette. It was a promise he made if they were to escape the Nazis.

This program was part of the cultural programming that's on television on Saturdays, which is very rewarding and deals with art and literature and architecture. I do get my fill on Saturdays and so appreciate that. Especially since I get to do so very few cultural things myself. I do hunger for these things and am very curious about them. I took two classes in art history in California and I'm fascinated by the subject, so anything like it is fine with me, but I also like modern art, although it doesn't always make sense to me and expressionism gives me a headache. And that's not even modern anymore. I like Karel Appel very much. His are very happy and lively paintings with lots of primary colors. They are like bursts of energy. If I could paint like that, I would be very happy.

For some reason, there are sports commentaries on talk radio on the weekends and I'm not too thrilled about that. I'd rather listen to something more interesting than a rehash on some football game that was played that afternoon. I suppose on the weekends sports are all that count, at least at the time that I go to bed and want to listen to the radio. I fall asleep anyway, because it's so darn boring, but I'd rather listen to a subject that I really care about and that is somewhat enriching to my intellect. Last night there was a piece on about a very good gymnast who had been caught using cocaine and I say, that's plain stupid, but why waste 30 minutes on it, as it happened some time ago. I'm sure we're not all going to run out and use cocaine now unless we're warned off by the example. Sometimes the public is thought to be simple.

Sundays are a day of rest, but I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. I'm also washing the fleece blankets that I have on the sofa and armchair. The yellow and red one. I also have to remember to water the plants again. The spider plant is taking quite a beating from the animals. They both want to chew on it. For some reason it is a very fascinating plant to them with its spiky leaves. They chew all the babies off. I'll have to get another less attractive plant to put on the dining table and move this one to a less vulnerable spot, wherever that is. Somewhere safe from Gandhi, on the bookcase probably. She can't get in there and it will be safe from Tyke too. It will give the spider plant a proper chance to grow like it should and become abundant.

I had to stop using my light therapy lamp, as it was making me hypomanic, or had I already mentioned that? It seems that when you use it when you're not depressed, this happens. I went up and up and up and then came down with a crash and then returned to normal, but I haven't used the lamp since. I didn't realize that could happen and used it as a preventive measure, which turned out to be not a good idea. You only should use it when you're really depressed and not when you think you may become so down the line. I suppose I'm still getting enough hours of daylight for this not to be the case. It's not nice to fool mother nature. Another lesson learned.

I need to make an appointment to get my hair cut as it is now becoming unmanageable. It's too long to brush it into the proper shape and I look funny. I also ran out of hairspray and now I can't do a thing with it because it is fly away hair. If I sleep on it wrong it sticks out in a funky direction. I thought about letting it grow, but I don't like that awkward in between stage and I would rather have it cut short again. Besides, I need the pampering that a visit to the hair salon brings with it. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve it. I am woman hear me roar...

I've been wearing my multi colored floral dress, but I think I will change into my burgundy colored India cotton dress with pockets today. I have a nice silky scarf that goes with it. I can make myself happy in anticipation about which clothes I'm going to wear. It is a treat to myself, even if I don't share it with anybody else. I do it for my own satisfaction and to look good when I walk Tyke. I am a city woman, after all. I can't walk around in grungy clothes. I dress up always, even for unimportant things. Besides, I don't have grungy clothes. I don't have old clothes to wear for dirty jobs either. I just don't do dirty jobs.

It's in the very wee hours of the morning now, optimistically speaking. There's some time to go until dawn. I think the neighbors' party is over, it's quiet out there now and I did hear a bunch of people leave some time ago. Tyke's sound asleep in the armchair and Gandhi is asleep on the sofa. I've got to clean the kitchen up a little bit and I'll do that before I go to bed again. I'm not sleepy, but for the heck of it I'll go back to bed. A person does have to be sensible and I did just now yawn.

I hope you all have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Wake up, woman!

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is very necessary, as I had to get up out of bed after not enough sleep to let out the dog and take my medicines. Bleary eyed and slightly in a stupor, I turned on the computer to see what was there in my in box and started the difficult process of answering my emails. I always hope I make sense when I do that after I've just gotten up. It may actually not be the right time, but that's the order in which I do things. Rituals even maintain your bad habits.

I'm such a nutty woman, sitting here when I should be getting back to bed for some more sleep, but then I never claimed to have much sense. I act like and pretend that I do, but I never come right out and claimed it. I have about as much common sense as a hedgehog. It does roll itself into an impregnable ball when threatened, so that is a good characteristic, but you can also play football with it and that is less good. Of course, you do have to have sturdy shoe wear.



Well, I used what little common sense I do have and went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. That really was the smartest thing to do, that logic didn't even escape me, thick skulled as I am. Hmmm... I see a theme developing here, I'm trying to get a message across. Could it be that I'm trying to tell you that I assert a lot, but in reality know very little? Something along those lines.

The first thing I did when I got up, was get dressed and not linger in my bathrobe like I did yesterday. That was a good thing too, because when I went outside to pick up Tyke's turds, my neighbor was out there and I never know what mode of attack he is going to use on me. Today it was friendly, thank goodness, but I do feel better facing him with my clothes on. He's an old man who likes to complain and makes me nervous about going outside. His wife eggs him on from the background. There's always some tree or bush or cat to complain about and I get a sore stomach just thinking about it, so let's drop that subject.

I've been sitting crooked in the desk chair again, leaning to the right at an odd angle, and as a result I have a sore ribcage. I lean into the armrest and it cuts right underneath my ribs, causing me to sort of get stuck there and having to remove myself with some effort. It happens without me being aware of it, suddenly I'm in that position. Yesterday I put a pillow on that side and it helped. It prevented me from leaning over. What I really need to do is spend less time in this chair and in a minute, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk.

The sun is shining, but it's only 11C, so not very warm. I'm wearing my cold weather clothes plus my scarf. I'll see you in a bit.




We ran into a bit of freshly rotated soil that had fertilizer added and raked into it. Tyke thought he had died and gone to heaven. He rolled around in it like it was the best smelling perfume ever. Every time I thought he was done, he started up again. Luckily, it was dry and flaky, so nothing really got stuck to his fur, except some of the smell. It was so funny, I had never seen a dog do that before. I hope he doesn't do that when we run into cow dung or something. I wouldn't put it past him. I can just see us out in the fields in the countryside and Tyke in a big heap of cow shit. I think I better stay in town with him.

We also ran into my sister and her friend. This car stopped and a very handsome man with sunglasses on said "ciao" to me. I couldn't figure out at first who it was. I thought I was going to be pestered by a bunch of foreigners. Then I saw my sister and the pieces fell into place. I had to laugh at myself for being so silly that I automatically assumed handsome foreigners would pester me. That shows you what an attitude I have about myself.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms, as I'm totally not happy at the moment and I'm just pretending that I am. If not that, I'm having a shortage of sleep problem. I feel depressed and I'm going to lie down on the sofa.

Ciao,
Nora

More than I was aiming for...

My post to entertain you all last night, turned somewhat introspective, no doubt because of the late hour and the intimate and cozy setting it was written in. Besides, when a person is only talking to herself without immediate feedback, it does give you a tendency to get deeper into a subject than might have been your intention and you have to call yourself back from those places that get too refelctive and do some editing once in a while. That means deleting large portions of self indulgant drivel.

Introspection is good, as long as I stay on this side of the line of reality. It's not good to see myself as a goodly earth mother, with ancient Saxon roots, who is connected to nature and all that lives in it and who lives in a hut in a meadow and brews potions to make all your ailments disappear, though it is a lovely thought. I need to be the real me in the real world and not fantasize lyrical about willow trees and cows in the meadow by the stream.

I've had that period in my life and was completely disconnected from reality, insulated from it, although I also think back on it with some amount of pleasure, but I can weep for the fog caught in the twisted oak trees and the moss on the forest floor and the deer that walked there through the dead leaves. There are bits of scar tissue in my heart from that.

Right, and now for something completely different. I am drinking more coffee again. Not as much as I was before, but more than the three cups I was drinking lately. I am now drinking about six cups a day and most of it in the morning. I don't know where this sudden desire came from, although it may have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the Senseo machine and the coffee tastes better now. I was drinking a bitter cup before that took the pleasure out of it. I'm also sleeping less and in more need of a pick me up in the morning and I do notice the difference. So, more coffee it is. Whether or not it is good for me. Experience will tell.

I guess you always have periods in your life when you are more sensible about yourself and when you are not. Last night I didn't get to sleep on time and I woke up relatively early this morning. I know I won't take a nap all day, because I've sworn those off and that leaves me no other choice but to go to bed on time tonight. I don't know how that affects the reality of my day, or better, how I experience it. I know it has a tendency to make me lazy and to not want to do anything that requires physical effort, although that's probably just the thing I should do. That would put a different slant on my day and my attitude. I can't always be living in my head and monitoring my emotions. Sometimes I have to step out of it and experience something else.

I slept on my elbow wrong and I can't bend my arm without having pain in my hand. Usually it disappears after I've been up for a while, but now it's hanging on stubbornly. That poor nerve must really be pinched. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I know of no exercise that can help it. I want to take something for the pain, but I don't know how that affects my other medicines, so I'm afraid to do it. I'm so happy when I feel good, that I'm afraid to add another pill to the mixture to upset the balance. Already I can't take the vitamin and mineral capsule, because it completely interferes with the working of my other medicines.

I have to go and do some household chores now. Tomorrow the domestic help comes and I have to have these things done before she gets here. That means I have to shut the computer off. By the way, I didn't even finish my third cup of coffee. I had enough of it.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora