Rain...

It's always like I try to erase one confessional post with another less confessional one, so I will look better in your eyes because I momentarily feel better. Because I feel conflicted about this, I start writing the other post, but take a very long time doing it, so it won't look like I'm too eager. I do have some sense of decorum. It's really silly that I bother going through all of this, but it's a compulsion in me that drives me to do it. It's probably a symptom of what's wrong with me, but it hasn't been described maybe in the DSM. Compulsively writing blog posts. Obsessive compulsive behavior. There you go. It has been after all, like the woman who sprinkled powdered sugar on her furniture. She couldn't stop herself either.

It's very hard to have something wrong with you. To know that you don't quite function as well as the average person does. That you come with an instruction booklet and that it needs to be read nearly every day and that if other people won't read it, you still have to read it yourself and I will tell you the truth, I don't think I will get off all of my medications. I think I need some of them. Not in huge quantities, but enough to help me function. I think I may go off the deep end if I were not to have them. I think getting off all my medications was a pipe dream and a lot of wishful thinking and very misguided. It's because some of us want to believe that I'm really a healthy person that we want me off the medication, but the truth is that I'm not and we better face up to that. If I'm going to be successful, it's going to have to be with medication. I'm a nut without it.

Well, there you go, we had another confessional. I don't stop, do I? That's because I do all my thinking on my blog. This is where I get everything straightened out. I talk circles around myself and finally find my way to where I'm supposed to be. Which is just a few steps ahead of where I started off. There is progress. I must remember to do things for myself, though, and not for other people, no matter how much I love them and want to make them happy. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot, but not everything. So much depends on me being able to deal with things and to have courage and self confidence. There's nothing worse than feeling out and out fear for the most ordinary events in life.

The computer is murmuring to itself again, no doubt looking for another update. The delivery boy from the pharmacy just came by to deliver some drugs, important ones that I can't do without. I was almost out of some of them and didn't realize it on time, so it was an emergency delivery. That sounds like I gave birth. I do in my dreams. Sometimes I have babies, as if by a miracle. It would be physically impossible for me, but in my dreams I can. I dream it quite often, but I think it symbolizes me giving birth to new aspects of myself. I'm hardly pregnant in my dreams and always surprised that I'm about to give birth. All the babies look like me, but one time I dreamed that I put my son back inside myself for safekeeping. I had a zipper in my torso because he was so big. Don't I wish I could have done that.

It started raining a while ago and at first it came down in buckets with a hard wind blowing too. It's only 7C outside and I have the heater turned up. It's still not springtime here, except for that one perfect day we had when I thought it was almost too warm. At least we don't have snow like some people still have. We are spared that and I did see some daffodils but they had been planted, so they didn't count. The jasmine bush is getting green buds and so is the prickly bush whose name I don't know by the clothes line. The rest looks bare. The Golden Rain is showing no action at all and should have been pruned this spring, but I'm not the woman to do it. I don't have the equipment. I think some man needs to haul his butt over here and do it. One with biceps, who also needs to fix the little gate that is falling apart in the fence. The one who uses it exclusively and keeps ignoring the problem. I will very tactfully point that out.

I've solved the problem with the anger issue with the Welbutrin. Instead of taking my antipsychotics all at once before I go to bed, I now take them spread during the day and I notice that it takes the edge off quite a bit. I took one in the afternoon and one when I took my medicines at 6 pm and I feel a lot better. Tomorrow I will take them at breakfast, lunch and dinner when I take my other medications. We'll see how much better I do.

And now for some Brie and Camembert.

Ciao,
Nora

A Brand New Saturday...

Yes, with my third cup of coffee and the back door open on a rained upon patio, with the trees and bushes dripping with rain and I think that is so wonderful. Everything is drenched and I hope it will rain some more, except for the time when I have to go to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping, because I do not want to be drenched myself. I do draw the line somewhere. Also, my bags on the bike aren't rainproof as far as I know, so I don't want to come home with wet groceries, although everything is packaged very well and it shouldn't matter, but I would have to dry everything with the dishtowel first before putting it away and that is too much work for me. Especially considering that I'd be drenched myself and would need a good rub with a large towel myself.

Oh, the joys of riding a bike in inclement weather. Well, never mind, rainwater is good for your hair and it's supposed to be good for your skin too, although I'd rather depend on my moisturizer for that. I do have the secret belief that It will prevent me from getting the wrinkles I don't deserve yet and keep me youthful looking, although I think that's more a question of genetics and keeping out of the sun. I wear my sunglasses in order not to get those squinty lines in the corners of my eyes.

I don't know if my sunglasses are very good, since I got them for free out of the lost and found at the filmhouse, and they aren't even in the latest style, so I am not at all fashionable and I should be walking around with those enormous sunglasses that cover half your face and let people know how chic you are. I don't even know which brand I ought to buy now in order to be really hip. Or is that term outdated? Let's face it, except for my clothes, I am an outdated woman, who is hanging on by the skin of her teeth to keep up with all the latest styles and I really should read more fashion magazines to know what in the world is going on. I doubt very much I could make it to the catwalk with my selection of clothes. I am probably running just a little behind all the time in my own interpretation of what is fashionable and very modern.

I shop at one store only that's continually getting in new collections and I need to go there often to see what the latest offerings are, because the turnovers are quick and items go on sale in no time. I only shop off the sales racks and get things as cheap as possible, but lately my shopping has consisted of buying a very cheap few items, as my budget forces me to make choices between one thing and another and from this point on, I am going to be spending more money on books, which also excites me to no end and gives me the same satisfaction as buying new clothes does.

After checking my bank account this morning, I ordered two new books at Bol.com that should be here in about 4 days. They are The Secret Scripture by Sebastian Barry and The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood. Maggie May suggested the former book to me and Margaret Atwood speaks for itself. I am hoping to finish the Road Home by Rose Tremain in the next couple of days. That's the book I am having such a hard time with, but I will finish it. I'm more than halfway through it and I can finish it quickly if I dedicate myself to it.

I have been wearing jeans all week and they have been most comfortable. It is because they are not tight one me and I can move around in them easily. I forgot how comfortable jeans were and I have another pair that I can wear, so I'll be putting those on next. I have been wearing skirts and dresses all year and thought I would never wear jeans again, because I thought they were unbecoming to me. Well, guess again. It isn't so. There goes another myth out the window.

I have to eat now and drink some juice and maybe take a little nap instigated by reading my book. Just a little shut eye.

Have a good day!

Ciao...


..

A Half Way Decent Sunday.

I decided to take my camera into my own little postage size piece of back garden and shoot some pictures of what is growing there now. To the right you see the winter blooming Jasmine which has gotten quite green over the last two weeks, and over the top of it you see the different leaves of what I assume is a tree, because it is growing rapidly and is as tall as I am now. I have no idea what sort of tree it is and it popped up out of nowhere, but it is welcome here and I must get a closer look at the leaves, so that maybe I can identify it, The Exfactor
took the tree identifying book, but I'll ask him to bring it the next time he is here, so we can figure it out.

Then there is the Prickly Bush which I suspect is a tree also, because it has amazing growing capacities despite having been cut back several times. It just comes back twice as hard. It is pretty to look at and also got here quite on its own, but the branches are covered in thorns and are very hard to handle, so it's best left alone. Beside it, to the right, is also an interloper of unknown origin that needs to be cut back because of the washing line and you can see that I really need that book, for I have no idea what it is. Mother nature just gives me these bounties of her hand.

This is the tall Golden Rain now and it has gotten very green, but in a short time it will get yellow blossoms and it will be a sight to behold. It's absolutely gorgeous. Our neighbor says that it interferes with his tomato growing abilities, but I'm not cutting it down for a few measly tomatoes. He'll have to find a sunnier spot for them. Old people can be such a bother and get their mind set on things. Luckily, they are going to their caravan as soon as the weather allows it and he has a vegetable plot there, where he can putter around to his heart's contend.

This is the littlest tree I've got and it is a mountain ash berry, just like the other three trees I've got.
I may have called them different things in the past, but that's what they really are. It also settled here on its own and has found itself a nice semi sunny spot. I am quite taken by all these interlopers and would not think of digging them out. I'm too happy with them. It's thanks to the birds that they grow here. Beneath this tree, out cat Sofietje is buried. We had to have her put to sleep because of brain damage. It'sa fitting tribute to her and a memory to her lively spirits and the many scars I have on my arms because of her, that she gave me in her excuberance too hang on to me in her last months of life when she was a little bit crazy and had stupors.







It's been a slow day at the Pondorosa. I haven't done anything note worthy or to call special attention to. It is Sunday, after all, and that s never a noteworthy day of the week. It stands out in its dullness and lack of interesting things to report. When I walked the dog this afternoon, I sort of let him take the lead to see where we would end up and we took an aimless stroll through the neighborhood, but he seemed to enjoy it and he produced three bags of substance, but I came prepared.

At one point, my keyboard stopped working, but a little fiddling with the cable put that right, though I did panic there for a moment, because I thought, "Oh my God, no keyboard, what will I do now?" I am especially dependent on my PC during the weekends. I am married to it on the weekends.

I think the weekends last one day too many. Sundays are just that extra day I don't need, except maybe to take many long naps on he sofa, but I haven't even done that today. During the week I have one day on and one day off and that is just perfect for me, but a two day weekend is too long. Unless I had a friend to go hang out on a sidewalk café with and drink a Wieckse Witte or two. I must find me another friend like that.

There's my friend Lucien, but she likes to plan things weeks ahead of time and then very often calls things off at the last minute. So not much spontaneity there. There have got to be better friends than that. I'll do some serious looking around. I'll go friend shopping.

Well, after all that's been said, I think I will go and clean up the kitchen. There are about three days worth of dishes sitting there. It's about time those get done, the fairies aren't going to come by during the night and do them.

Have a terrific what's left of the day. The sun is shining into the living room now and creating warmth in here.

Ciao...

On Bushes and Trees.

Well, the weeds in the pot with the jasmine are growing really well, but it is with some degree of optimism that I convince myself that the jasmine is growing as well, though I do think that I see some new growth. It is getting watered very well anyway and not because I go out there with the watering can, but because it is raining again and the soil is soaked all the way through and draining very nicely through the hole in the bottom of the pot. I will be disappointed if it doesn't grow, because it was with some effort that I dug it out of the flowerbed out back, but I can easily walk to the nursery around the corner and buy a new plant and put it in instead if all else fails. It's just a matter of pride that it should grow and sprout very many green buds.

I am waiting to see new growth on my three alder berry trees. Nothing is happening there yet, they are as bare as three totem poles, but I know that before long they will sprout new branches and new leaves and have a big growth spurt, because they do this ever year. The first year I thought they had died, but now I know better.

And then there is that mysterious bush that grew up in the jasmine in the flowerbed. It is almost as tall as I am and I have no idea what it is, but for now I'm leaving it there and maybe this summer I'll figure out what it is by the shape of it's leaves. Maybe it isn't a bush but a tree, because it sure grew quickly.

I really appreciate these gifts of nature and am loath to take them out of the flowerbed. I assume the are meant to be there and that they are a present to me. I did have flowers in the flowerbed once, but I took them out when I realized that I didn't enjoy gardening anymore and that I didn't like the fussiness of taking care of plants. I did in another life, but now I like bushes and trees, so I am happy with what is growing out back.

The Golden Rain will be beautiful again this spring, as it always is. Before you know it, it is covered in yellow blossoms that are as magnificent as anything I've ever seen. There are two bushes of unknown origin growing beside it in that very narrow space. One has prickly thorns and is best avoided, but the other one is bright green and lush, though I've had to cut it back because it interfered with the washing on the clothes line.

I obviously need a book on all the native plants and trees that grow in Limburg. I am so ignorant of trees and bushes that grow here. I can only identify two or three trees and there's not a palm tree among them. That would have been easy. At least in California you had those and the shrubby oaks. And the endless rows of eucalyptus trees. Here you see many poplars planted along the highways as windbreakers and for you to have an accident with your car with. The elm trees really do get Dutch elm disease and have to be felled, which is a darn shame when there are many planted along a road.

It has stopped raining, but I'm waiting for my package and have to stay inside until noon and I hope it is not for naught. I'll check on the website in a little while and see to the state of affairs and make some phone calls.

I've been unable to walk the Überhund and so far he's being patient and has been out back once, but I don't know if that suffices. I think he really needs to be walked, but we can't go anywhere now. This is the first time that I am having a confusing situation with this mail order company. In the past everything has always gone spotless. It's very frustrating to have it run differently now.

Right, this was my treatise on bushes and trees. You will have guessed as much. I just felt like talking about that. I really care about my alder berry trees and, although they are growing in completely the wrong spot, I can't cut them down, so they will stay there forever.

Have a brilliant day, whatever the weather and don't let the rain get you down.

Ciao...