Forget about moodiness...

This morning, when I finally managed to get up, I was very grumpy and dreaded the day. I hadn't had my medicines yet and was in dire need of some cups of coffee. However, being so grumpy, I didn't realize that until I had taken my medicines and had the coffee. After that, I was doing so much better that it was a difference between night and day and I thought I had been in the depths of a depression. 

It goes to show you that you shouldn't draw your conclusions about your mood prematurely. That everything is very quickly changeable, as changeable as the Dutch weather and that you can go from one mood to another in the shortest amount of time. Nothing is permanent, especially not the mood you wake up with. It's just a temporary chemical imbalance that needs to be set straight.

This does bother me and I wish it wasn't so and that I was more predictable. I don't like waking up in a bad mood because it fools me every time. I never think it will get better. I think I'm doomed and will stay that way for the rest of the day and maybe permanently so. I try to imagine another kind of scenario but find it very difficult to. 

Anyway, now I feel better and I'm capable of thinking more positive thoughts, though I'm not quite ready to tackle the dishes yet. They do need to get done, I can't get out from underneath them. There really aren't that many, it's just the idea of them that I have a problem with. 

But I think I'm still seeing the shadow of 'the black dog.' He isn't quite gone from my life yet. He's walking around in the undergrowth and causing me some problems still and, although my medication has been increased, I think maybe it's not been enough yet. I'm going to have to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I'm living on the margins of maybe being okay sometimes and that's not close enough. 

Leave it to me to make this more serious than I had intended. I wanted to write something more lighthearted than this, but sometimes you have to put your thoughts down to get things clear for yourself in the process. Sometimes these blog posts are purely therapeutic in value. Very selfishly so. 

It's 80F outside and the sun is shining in an almost bright blue sky. We've finally got a summer's day. There's no breeze to speak of and the leaves on the trees are barely moving. It was very pleasant when I took the dog out for a walk. Tomorrow is going to be cooler and we may have some spotty showers. I won't hold my breath for them. 

Tonight the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be on. Mr Darcy is going to pop the question. Everybody will presumably live happily ever after, but we will never know. I sure hope so for their sake. I want to believe in romance to some extend. I do make the occasional exception with my cynical heart.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight revisited...

Despite my good intentions I relented and closed the windows about an hour ago. I also turned on the heater. I wanted to not do that or worry about the temperature because, after all, it is springtime, even at night. But I got too chilled, even in my bathrobe, and I don't like suffering. It's toasty warm in here now and I think I can turn the heater off and have it be warm enough in the apartment for the rest of the night. It will have to suffice. 

Like I said, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I'm obviously not in bed where I should be, but I enjoyed being up late last night and slept well in the morning. I had no bad effects from it today and didn't need to take a nap like I had expected to. I was up on time for my personal helper and even had some time to spare.

I'm extremely mellow and slightly sleepy headed and that feels very pleasant. It's a pleasurable state of mind to be in. I think that's why I like being awake right now. 

It's the whole experience I appreciate. I'm always one to seek out the more pleasant moods that are stress free and in which I feel just a little punch drunk. I seek the altered states of mind that I seem to find at night. Feeling normal isn't good enough. It will do during the day, but at night I want a different experience. 

I went on the bathroom scale tonight and had lost 600 grams. Now I need to get on it in the morning and see what I really weigh, which will be less. I never weigh myself at night, but I was curious because I had not been on the scale in quite some time. I can't wait to see what the weight will be. I hope I will have lost a total of a kilo, but maybe that's too much to hope for. 800 Grams would be nice and I guess that's more realistic. 

Today was an utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that the weather was unpredictable. Sunshine one moment and huge gray clouds the next.  It was real April weather, although it was a little warmer than usual for the time of year. I guess even the weather wasn't that out of the ordinary. It was a completely forgettable day and you could have traded it in for any other ordinary day that had nothing to distinguish it. 

I suppose I shouldn't complain about that. I'm sure there are enough people in the world who would like to have a very ordinary day with nothing to distinguish it from any other. I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact. It went by quickly and I even watched television last night and watched a soppy show called 'Memories' in which people go in search of an old love from their past. 

Well, I did that and married him and divorced him 15 years later and I don't think the whole adventure was a good idea. It sounds very romantic on paper, but in reality it's not such a great idea. You can't revive a teenage romance. You can do it briefly, but not long term. It has to stay rooted in the past. Ships passing in the night and all that... You don't want to end up like the Titanic on an iceberg. 

I'm a sucker for soppy shows, though, providing they're tastefully done and don't abuse the sentiment. 

Well, I have to move on to the next thing, whatever that is going to be. I don't know if it's going to be bed yet, although I am yawning. I may get excited about something yet. The night is still young. 

Have a good one. 

Ciao,

Nora

Music to write by.

The Exfactor came and looked at my speaker problem and realized immediately that I needed a power cable to make them work, which is something that I had suspected also, but I did not know what it looked like or where to plug it in. The problem was solved almost right away, though we had some problem finding the right place to plug the cable into, but we managed that in the end too, and voilá, music! Ella Fitzgeralds lovely voice came pouring out of the speakers. I knew the Exfactor would solve my problem and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot from him.

In my spare time I've been adding to my playlist of popular music with such people as Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash and Sammy Davis Jr and Elvis Presley (all of his old stuff). See, I was born in the wrong era. This time I have no modern music. Oh, and I have Buddy Holly too. I'm just going to pretend it's sometime in the fifties and early sixties and that I was a grown up then who hung out in cocktail bars and smoked cigarettes from a long elegant cigarette holder and who men bought interesting cocktails for. I probably never would have gotten into the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Not that I ever did, really. I liked classical music.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he was genuinely pleased for me that things were going so well. I sat there quite perky and alert and I don't think he has ever seen me like that. Usually I was this slow and morose woman who was very serious. I wasn't being frivolous now, but much more light hearted and uncomplicated. I'm feeling so much better now and he said that I should feel the complete effect of the Welbutrin in another 2 weeks, so I've got something to look forward to.

I'm going to start reducing the rest of my old medication next week with little increments at the time, so that I will not have any problems with it. I shouldn't have withdrawal problems, but really, after that enormous reduction I did at the beginning and the one day of enormous withdrawal symptoms I had from that, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Nothing will ever be as bad as that, and it only lasted for one day. I'm assuming a lot, aren't I? I'm either very optimistic or very naive. I'll just assume the best case scenario.

I had a cup of coffee there, but it must have been a very weak one, because I'm yawning something awful and will be forced to make my own cup. That will bring the total up to 4 cups for today, which is not too bad. It is within reason. I like the fact that I'm tired, because I'll go to bed early tonight and fall asleep quickly and hopefully sleep late in the morning. Sleep is a many splendored thing. You can guess who I'm listening to now, can't you? Music used to be overly romantic. It was not at all good for people. It gave them the completely wrong idea about love. Especially those of us who were very impressionable. Ahum!

There, I just took Tyke for a walk and it wasn't even cold out, 13C. That feels like warm weather to us. Tomorrow it's going to be very warm, 19C. Can you believe it? It's fine, as long as I get to keep wearing my cowboy boots. I'll wear them even if the sparrows fall from the roof because of the heat, as the saying goes.

Today, in the waiting room, I saw a woman who used to be in my therapy classes with me and I was so glad to see her, because I really liked her a lot. Now I have to find her email address that I have around here somewhere, because we only had a short time to talk. It was so nice to see her friendly face and I realized how much I had missed seeing her. We used to have intense conversations during the coffee breaks. She reads this blog off and on, so I hope she leaves me a comment so I can contact her.

Well, okay people, that's all my rambling for right now. You probably won't hear from me again tonight, because I'll go to sleep early, in my clean apartment, in my clean bed, with squeeky clean hair.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

In the nick of time.

I don't know about the rest of you women, but with my advancing age, my bladder control has gone and many times I don't quite make it to the bathroom on time. I wear something for that, but this morning I had an accident and wet myself. I can move as quickly as I can with my legs squeezed together, but still not make it. It's a real bother and I think I will never have another romance because of this, because can you imagine the situation? "Sorry honey, you can't hug me tightly right now, because I've got to go very badly and I mean now."

What a way to open a post, huh? I thought I might just as well tell you right up front. We women suffer silently so many times. It's the same way with being bloated and not fitting into your jeans. Why does that happen? You know if you got the chance, a good session on the toilet would clear up that problem, but how do we do it and which product do we use? There are all these yogurts with good bacteria in them that are supposed to help, but they haven't helped me yet. I drink a herbal laxative tea sometimes and that cleans things up a bit. I have a terrible problem with gas and many times one escapes me in company, silent sometimes, but not always. It's so embarrassing.

You can see how this does not promote a romantic lifestyle and I will not pursue another man until I have these problems under control, although I doubt very much that I ever will.

I am very lucky that I am not romantically inclined right now, and that I am not longing for bodily contact. I am so totally not interested in that. A good conversation, yes. Laughter, yes. Romance, no. Sex, no.

One of the people I get along best in one of my groups is a homosexual and I love the fact that he is a well dressed and attractive man who is not the least bit interested in me as a woman. I am completely safe in his presence, although he always pays attention to how I am dressed and compliments me if he likes what I am wearing, and I always smell his aftershaves and compliment him on those.

This is turning into a very odd post! I don't know where to take it from here. Do I have any more confessions?

No, I think that is it for now. That's okay then, because I have to take my medicines and walk the Überhund.

Mwah!