A super Monday...

My domestic help just left and she did a super job cleaning the bathroom and the doors and the wood work and mopping the floors. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I gave her several options and she went straight to work. It was a completely different experience from last time when I didn't feel that I was in charge at all. So, I really want this girl to come back.

You all thought I was doing chores out of my own free will before she came over to make the apartment look good, but that is not the case. I had a list of things that I was supposed to take care of and I had not done a thing all week, so I thought I had better get busy on it. I should have been dusting and sweeping all week, but I didn't see the sense in that and it seemed like a waste of time. Before the domestic help came over I was supposed to dust and vacuum and mop the floors, and clean the toilet and wash basin.

Well, I dusted the livingroom and vacuumed my bedroom and the area rug, but Tyke gets very hyper and barks non stop when you vacuum and that's not pleasant for the neighbors. So I swept the rest of the apartment, but I refused to mop the floors. I sort of cleaned the toilet and the wash basin was okay. I was going to clean the door that the Exfactor got out of the shed, but never got around to it, and the girl ended up doing it for me today, which I thought was very nice of her.

I did figure that I did enough of my share of the work and busied myself with other things while she was here. So called administrative work and phone calls. I made it look all very important, and some of it really was, because I have decided to start the therapy classes at the location downtown and have to have an intake for that and I called to make an appointment for it. My contact person there was very happy to hear it and I feel full of p**s and vinegar and courage, and I've only had two cups of coffee so far.

I slept 11 hours last night, I went to sleep at 8 pm, because I was completely beat and sat here as a sad little sparrow behind the computer, and I woke up at 7 o'clock this morning. I thought that was enough sleep and got up, though maybe I could have slept more. Tyke decided it was time to get up and I did have to take my medicines. I only sat here slightly comatose, not as bad as it has been at other times, and I was functioning pretty quickly. At least within a half an hour. I allow myself to be completely confused for the first 30 minutes. I try to function, but I know it's useless. After a long sleep, my brain needs more time for reconstruction. I guess it takes the neurons a little while longer to find the pathways.

My sister did some groceries for me while the help was here. We couldn't go together, because she had other obligations later this afternoon. She picks up groceries for me and doesn't want to get paid for them, so I keep them to the bare minimum and only ask for a few things. I'm still trying to find out what her bank account number is, so I can transfer some money to it, but she won't tell me.

She's so generous and I have Nutella again, but I have to tell you, over all I feel better if I don't eat, or eat very little. Food does not make me happy. I only eat a little because I get hungry, but that's it. A few bites and that's enough. I don't indulge and I have no desire to. It's almost as if food is a mind altering substance and I like how I feel without it.

While the domestic help was here, Tyke was stealing the sponges out of her bucket and tearing them to pieces under the dining table. We only caught on to what he was doing when he walked into the living room with the third dripping wet sponge in his mouth. I was on the phone and had not noticed it, but I looked under the table and there were a hundred pieces of sponge lying there, and Tyke had that innocent "Who me?" look on his face. He was very disgusted that we had caught on to him and tried it a few more times, until I managed to distract him with a rawhide stick. He sure does like the domestic help, though, and follows them wherever they go and tries to steal their supplies, because he tries to get their cleaning rags too, but he finds everything they do interesting.

The windows haven't been cleaned yet and the sun is shining brightly through them. Oh, what a wonderful sight. It makes me almost want to do them myself, except that I am notoriously bad at cleaning windows. I could do the ones in the back, though, because the sun never shines on them and nobody would see if they were done well or not. The problem is that I would also have to do the woodwork and I'm less enthused about that. That's such finicky work. I will have to give this some thought and see if I can come to my senses.

Oh, it's completely later in the evening now and I got completely side tracked, because I wanted some music, but I had to get my speakers to work and they didn't, no matter what I tried, so I switched speakers, but I couldn't get them to work either, but never mind, I decided to go to Deezer anyway and start a new playlist for Jazz and got completely wrapped up in that, so I forgot all about the time and my surroundings. I was like a little fanatic woman going after as many jazz performers as I could think off and I will have the Exfactor look at the speakers tomorrow and see if he can make any sense of them. I realy have no idea what I am doing wrong, unless there is a cable missing that I am also supposed to plug in, though I have no idea where that cable would go. I am stumped and in need of expertise.

I'm sitting here quite cozily by the light of the desk lamp without a cup of coffee, so that brings my total to 3 today. Not bad, eh? From all the excitement of hanging out at Deezer and looking up artists, I have become so worked up that I am not in the least tired now and I need to find a way to slow down. I do want to have another good sleep like I had last night, but I guess you can't always expect repeat performances. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed, but I will put on my pajamas and pretend I'm very sleepy. Oh, I forgot, I have to walk Tyke still. I better do that before I put my pajamas on. I would look kind of strange if I went out there in my bathrobe.

I'm in a very good mood and feel invinceable, without a spell check it is hard to figure out if I wrote that right, but I'll assume that you know what I mean. I feel like doing great deeds and that I ought to do them now and not waste any time and now the act of sleeping seems like a waste of time. I have to go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I can't lie about the amount of sleep I had, so I better make sure I get to bed at one point. I have to be so darn honest all the time. I can't tell any white lies for the sake of my own bestwill as I see fit. I feel like today the medicine really kicked in and started too work and tomorrow it will be two weeks since I started on it. No, actually, I took my first pill on a Monday evening, I think. Yes, I'm sure of it. Without psychiatric approval.

I have lost 4.5 kg. I wasn't going to get on the scale all the time, but now I find myself curious regularly and I do. I try not to make a daily habit of it and when I forget and have had a cup of coffee, I don't weigh myself. I have to do it first thing when I get up out of bed or not at all. Luckily, very often I forget. Otherwise it would become an obsession and I don't want it to be, because I eat what I eat and that has nothing to do with how much I weigh. I'm not going to count glasses of milk.

I just got natural capsules for the menopause in the mail that I had ordered on line and I just took the first one and I'm very curious to see if they will help me. They are recommended for women between 43 and 63 years of age. The big question is if they will interfere with my medications, that is always the risk I take. I will find out soon enough. I want to try them because I want to find out if they will help me with my night sweats and having to go to the bathroon every night. It says it will help that. Well, we'll see. Maybe these will be good and they will actually do their job, they are from a reputable firm, so I expect results. If I start to act funny, you know it will be why.

It's getting late now and I really do need to go walk my poor dog. I have given him a stuffed monekey to play with and it is a great success, except that now I keep thinkin, "What is that dead animals lying on the floor?"

I could go on talking at you guys forever, but I'll call a halt to it and spare you your patience. I have so much to say and nobody to say it to. Darn it!

Have a good night, you people!

Ciao,
Nora.

At long last...

I went to bed at seven o'clock yesterday evening, because I was so tired from having been up all night, and I slept until four o'clock this morning, so I would say that I got enough sleep.

After I wrote my post yesterday morning, I slept on the sofa for a few hours and missed creative therapy, but my need to sleep was greater. I think I know now why I could not sleep that night. I had a therapist-patient meeting at the clinic yesterday afternoon, with my SPN also, and I was worried about that, because we were going to discuss my ending date for the therapies and what I was going to do afterwards.

I always have a tendency to not think these sort of things bother me, while subconsciously they do very much and I worry about them quite a bit, but I don't allow myself to feel that. This effects my emotions and my mood, without me immediately being aware of the cause of it. Of course, if I were to stop and think, I would see the cause and the effect, but I don't allow myself to do that soon enough, so I sit around feeling bad without knowing why. It isn't until afterwards that I realize how much something like that meeting had been bothering me and how much of my nervous energy had been used up in anticipation of it.

During the day I thought I was getting depressed, because my mood was very low and I found it impossible to do the things I was supposed to do. I had to do the grocery shopping and go to the post office and the tobacconist and I couldn't for the life of me motivate myself to go to these places. All I wanted to do was stay inside and be safe there. I wanted to hide inside and not come out. I was all out of milk, though, and I needed dog food, so I called the Exfactor, who was supposed to come by, and asked him if he would go to the grocery store for me, which he gladly did. The man is such a peach and I can always count on him to help me out in a jamb.

At least the groceries were taken care of and the rest of the errands could wait until today. I didn't know what my mood was going to be like, but I assumed it would be better and that I would at least make sure that I got enough sleep, because that always seems to help a lot.

The patient-therapist meeting went well and I must say that I got a lot of praise about my progress. The therapists were very satisfied with me. I also got the okay to start with the creative class on Wednesdays and I'm very happy about that. My last day of therapy will be December the 18th. In the meantime, my SPN has to put in an application for me to join the classes in the downstairs area of the clinic, where I can do creative and other activities, but where there is no therapy, only a specialist who helps you with the specific activity. This is all fine with me as long as there is structure and busyness in my week. It was deemed important that I get out of the house and amongst people and I couldn't agree with that more.

So, today I will go to the post office and to the tobacconist. Those are just simple errands and things I can oversee. I will also clean the apartment a little bit. Luckily, Jesker isn't shedding a lot right now and it must be the time of year. I have to vacuum, but don't I always, and I have to dust. I think I'll change the sheets on my bed again, because the ones hanging on the rack in the bathroom are dry. I am just going to do whatever odd job there is to do and not make a big plan. It will be hit and run chore day. That way it won't seem so intimidating. Some days there's nothing worse than having a list of chores that you have to work your way through, while on other days that might be perfect.

It's time for me to get dressed and walk Jesker who has just eaten a bowl of food. No doubt he has some unloading to do. Have a terrific day. It is overcast here and I don't know what the weather is supposed to be like today. I forgot to watch the news yesterday. Oh yeah, I was busy sleeping.

Ciao,
Nora

Refreshed again.

I took my somewhat worn out and very sore body to creative therapy on my bike this morning, and let me tell you, riding my bike was a job and a half, because I really felt my sore back and on my bike also I kept leaning to the left, making me want to drift into the road. Luckily, it is just a short distance that I have to go and I didn't cause any accidents.

The people out on the smoker's deck were happy to see me, but misinterpreted my tired and pain reflected face as it going very badly with me and were all concerned about me, so I had to quiet the waters there a bit first and reassure them that I was okay, even after not having been there for a week, which they were curious about, but tried not to be.

I saw the head therapist and we made an appointment to talk during the break.

Then I went to the studio and talked to the therapist there about my absence and I explained myself to her a bit, so she would understand where I was coming from. She wanted to know about my appointments with my SPN and the head therapist and said that it was important that I have those. I reassured her that I had those appointments and that I was in touch with my SPN.

I started to make a collage, but it didn't turn out very well, because I had a hard time sitting on the chair comfortably.

At break time I talked to the head therapist and I told her about my rapid cycling and her concern was that when I stopped therapy, there would be nobody to pick up and point out my moods to me. I am hypo or am I depressed? Anyway, we agreed on 3 half days of therapy a week, which is what I wanted and she thought it was a good idea. She also told me to go home and sleep for a while, which I did for 4 hours and I felt much better when I woke up, except for my blooming back.

I am taking mega doses of paracetamol for it, because the pills from the doctor don't work one bit, but those are anti inflammatory and maybe that is why.

I am keeping this short, because of my back, I have a hard time sitting here and typing for a long time.

Just wanted you to know that basically everything worked out okay.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

Before I go...

Well, I am showered and made up and dressed and my hair is fashioned into some sort of style with wax and hairspray, it's always tough when it is newly washed. I am wearing my jewelry and I an suitably matched. My summer dress shrank a little in the laundry, but that's okay, because so did I and it all evens out again, but it is something to remember for the other summer dresses. I don't really want them to shrink, so I'll hand wash them and only toss them in the spin cycle. I am wearing my heavier cardigan and I had forgotten how nice it is. I've got one button done up and the sleeves pushed up, so you can see my bracelets. Vanity, my friend, that's what it is all about.

I do have an awfully sore back and had to take the medication that the doctor gave me. I had a bit of a hard time getting my leggings on. I am waiting for the pills to start working now and it will be a real relief when they do. In the meantime, I have to remember to lean back in the chair and to not lean over to the left side, which happens so automatically. Before you know it, I'm a crooked S again.

The reason I'm writing this is to pass the time and to prevent myself from wanting to go to bed. The little amount of sleep I have had for the past 48 hours is starting to break me up and I am getting awfully tired now. I am not sleepy, but my body is dragging itself through the early morning. My mind is still wide awake and wants to go do things, it's just my body that's not cooperating.

I am going to creative therapy because I want to be there, I have had a chance to think about it and I would like to keep the original classes that I started of with. Those were: creative therapy on Monday and Friday morning and ergo therapy on Wednesday morning. I think things went horribly wrong when we were expected to do 6 half days of therapy, which I first reduced to 5 and then to 4 half days. I am going to ask if I can have the original 3 half days back and I know I need the ergo therapy, because there is so much I have left to work on. I think I will do well with the original 3 half days of therapy.

I will hopefully discuss that today with the head therapist.

Jesker and I went for our walk, It was nice and cool out, but t looks like the sun is going to shine today, The trash men had finally remembered to empty the green bin. It's a little one, so it can easily be overlooked, but still.

Jesker is hardly ever interested in any of the dogs that we meet on our walks because he knows them all and he ignores them. He does hate one big overgrown monster of a pit bull and I hope the owner never loses control of him. Jesker barks at him fiercely. He doesn't realize how dangerous that dog is.

Well, I must stop now. I have to make cigarettes before I go and drink one cup of coffee.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

One of those nights!

I completely fell asleep on the sofa while watching the 8 pm news and didn't wake up until midnight. I felt very good when I woke up, and full of energy, and the computer was in its sleeping mode, so I woke it up and checked my emails. Well, you know, one thing leads to another and then you have to make yourself a cup of decaf and answer all your emails and that takes a little time, so before you know it, it is very late and you're still not in bed. At that point, I figured I may as well stay up a little longer and really break the night. Besides, tomorrow is Saturday morning and I don't have to go anywhere, I really officially don't have to go anywhere and I don't even have to go grocery shopping.

Actually, playing with Ubuntu has taken up a lot of my time, because I'm figuring out how everything works. I have to do it on my own and I don't have an instruction booklet, which would be mighty handy, so I just work my way through things and figure them out as I go along. Sometimes I'm stumped and sometimes it works. Sometimes the help section really helps and sometimes it doesn't. Slowly but surely I'm getting things to work, though, like the music systems, which would not play at first, but there is much more I have to work out. I'll be busy with it for a while yet.

So, I did not go to therapy today and that means that I've been home all week this week and I've had a whole week off. I'm not going to claim that it was like a vacation, because it was not enough fun for that, but at least I had a break. I become a basket case thinking about it, so I'll just say that on Monday I'll go to creative therapy and hope to talk to the head therapist then.

Well, that's quite enough of that.

Actually, I can't wait to get an extra table and chair to place in my bedroom by the window so I can start creating art there. That's what I'm really looking forward to. I'm so excited about doing that and I can't wait to go out and get the supplies. There is a store close to here called "Action" that sometimes sells art supplies at really low prices so I must go and have a look there at what they've got. I also have to remind my sister not to throw out any of the magazines she reads for the images and the texts.

A good blog friend is sending me a box of art supplies from the Sates and I can't wait for it to get here. That will be the start of it, along with some of the things I still have myself, which are scant.


The weather was beautiful today. The sun was shining all day long, but it wasn't too hot. The bike ride into town was really nice, especially when you consider that I have a good working bike now and the Exfactor had pumped up my rear tire so I really moved along well.

Some people were sitting at our table, but it looked like they were just about done and just as they were getting ready to leave, I grabbed a chair to prevent anyone else from claiming it. You have to be just a bit rude to get what you want and I wanted that table, because all the tables under the sun cover and on the square were taken. It's tourist season, so things are always busy.

Von and I had a heated discussion about love and men. Is there another subject more worthy of discussion? We both thought that falling in love was a horrible thing, but loving someone was good. Falling in love is like temporary insanity and makes you behave strangely and do odd things. Things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. Loving someone is a totally different ballgame. For one thing, you can think clearly and you don't make a big mess and you aren't blindsided by your overheated emotions.

I ordered a piece of apple pie with whipped cream with my second cup of cappuccino, figuring I had deserved it after a week of despair, but I couldn't finish it nor could I finish my cappuccino.

So, we went shopping instead, first for Von and then for me in my cheap store. We found a see through blousy top that I can wear over a sexy tank top and that Von said I should wear in my boudoir. It was only 7 Euros. I bought another set of matching bracelets to go with it, this time in reds and pinks. I just have to stop spending money on myself!

On my way home I didn't run over any pedestrians, although several made suicidal attempts by stepping of the sidewalk into the street and instead of using my bell, I still yell at them. People are so oblivious! On the way into town, people were walking in the middle of the street and I yelled at them to use the sidewalk, because it is hard enough to ride your bike over the very rough cobblestones. Yes, they get upset with me and no, I don't care. I just don't want to end up face down on the street.

I stopped by the pharmacy to get a supply of drugs, which they gladly gave me and when I rode away on my bike, my necklace broke and it is one of my favorite ones, but luckily, I noticed it and caught it in my hand before it fell in the street.

Jesker was so happy to see me. He had been laying behind the front door again. I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if we've not seen each other for ages. He's so cute.

When I was fixing my necklace, I managed to spill a whole glass of fruit juice all over the table and all over my cigarettes. Guess what I said then? You're right! I sopped it up with a towel and laid my cigarettes out to dry, which did not even taste that funny when they were. I did fix my necklace. It had broken because of the strap of my purse. It had gotten caught underneath it when I turned my head to see if there was any traffic coming. That's what happens when you wear your purse across your chest against purse snatchers.

I put on my boudoir top and walked Jesker and I wasn't propositioned once, which I think is probably for the best. You don't want to pick up men off the street.

Well, that just about was my day. I am going to try to add some photos to this post, but I have to resize them first and I don't know yet if I can do that, so we'll see.

Ciao...

To wake up well...

In order to wake up well, and get the day started properly, I always feel that I have to write a post, even if I have nothing to report but my most mundane thoughts. I think, well that will do, at least it will organize my thoughts and get my mind set in the right order and I will have reached out and made a tiny effort at contact, but the latter is not necessarily the most important thing, because judging by the reactions, not that many people read these early morning missives. That's okay, this occupies my mind and keeps me busy while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and try to ignore the dog who just ate his bowl of food.

I woke up early this morning and thought terrible things about myself. I thought, this is awful, you're not allowed to do this, it is unacceptable, where in the world is this coming from? It was like somebody had dumped a whole bunch of garbage over me and I was struggling to get free of it.

Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep and when I woke up the second time, all that garbage was gone and I could think good thoughts about myself again. I had counted on that happening, but imagine if I had gotten up the first time with those feelings and had started the day that way. It would have been a very painful business and I would be sitting here with quite a different attitude.

Waking up that way, covered in garbage, hasn't happened to me in a long time, but it used to be the story of my life. I always used to wake up with a certain amount of self loathing, sometimes pure self hatred, yet I never let anyone know that I felt this way. I covered it up and did not let on how bad it was.

Due to my childhood, I'm a master at covering up my feelings and very often am not in touch with them myself. I can be in total denial about a state of mind that I am in. That's because I did it for such a long time, it became my second nature. I totally don't have a grip on my current mood and have no idea what to think of it. Am I depressed or just tired? I act like a depressed person, does that make me depressed? If it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck, must it be a duck?

I am planning on doing some cleaning today. Luckily, in Ubuntu the computer has a sleep mode, so I don't have to feel bad about leaving it turned on. It didn't have it in Windows XP, it just kept running and running, causing my electric bill to go up.

I must do at least three chores today, if not six. I must try to get that feeling of accomplishment. You do honestly feel better if you've made an improvement in your environment. I feel extreme discomfort at having things so disheveled. I barely dare walk around on my bare feet anymore.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his blanket, but I will make him happy and get dressed and take him for a walk. It is storming outside and we've already had rain and thunder and more is expected. The rains of England finally reached us.

I have an appointment at 2 pm with the head therapist and we will decide what I will do about my therapies. It will be good to get some feedback instead of thinking inside the box all by myself. Well, with all of your input, of course. Which I appreciate. Don't underestimate that!

I've babbled enough and must get going now, I feel some energy that must be spent wisely. Remember, chores of threes and walking the dog is not a chore, so it doesn't count.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

My third one...

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee. I had the first one to wake up properly with and to pet Jesker with, who could not get enough of that and kept nudging his nose against my hand every time I stopped. I had to switch hands every once in a while due to petting fatigue.

I had my second cup of coffee while I checked my emails and read some blogs. Didn't you know there are always blogs to read? At any time, somewhere, someone in the world is posting their blog. That doesn't seem like a very good sentence, but I don't know what's wrong with it.

That's why I need the third cup of coffee and my medicines, of course. I must not forget them. I have to be able to think straight. Before you know it, I'll be tripping out and not making sense at all any more.

I hope I'm not the only one who has moments of complete dementia when I think my brain has entered a new dimension, where everything is slightly askew and no thought is in its proper place. You know those times, when you think you make complete sense for the moment, only to find out later that you've been blathering like a drunk or someone on drugs. Well, ha ha, I am on drugs, aren't I?

I'm supposed to be at creative therapy now, but for some reason, I could not get out of my pajamas and dressed. The whole thing seemed like too much work to me. I was completely unexcited about going. Now, I realize that when you have a real job, you can't do that, but I figured I could get away with it this time. It's a little bit of moral disobedience on my part and I'm not even going to lie about the reason why I didn't show up when asked about it this week. Sometimes I just don't want to do what I'm supposed to do and as I said one time before, I think I'm getting therapy fatigue. The thrill about going has worn off and now it is just another thing I have to do. I don't see it as useful anymore, even if it is still. I just don't see it.

Well, I'm so flabbergasted by that implication that I don't know what to write anymore and I've been sitting here for 30 minutes wasting my time doing nothing. I downloaded a new wallpaper and made some cigarettes, so I guess I did do something, but I didn't write and my coffee has gotten cold.

If I don't go to therapy, I need something else to fill my time. Although right now I think housecleaning and reading would be enough, which I now don't have enough time and energy for. I don't think Social Services would just let me stay home and will want me to do volunteer work. I will do that as long as it's not too complicated. Mmm...things to ponder.

I have much thinking to do. My official date to discuss the end of my therapy is in September, but that seems like a long way off. I must discuss this with my therapist. who I don't see until August 11th. I think an email is in order.

Right, it is time to get dressed and walk Jesker who has been patiently waiting. I am unsettled and want to make a decision.

Ciao...

Sunday evening.

Th great thing about Sunday is that you can catch up on a lot of things, such as your mail and Facebook, but you can also take great naps on the sofa while you "watch" the Tour de France and that is even better.

I think I really needed the nap to set my mind straight as I was a little discombobulated for whatever reason, but I did get the mail done. Quite suddenly, when I wasn't expecting it myself, I grabbed my reading glasses and the mail and sat down at the dining table and opened each envelope and dealt with the contents immediately and appropriately, and so I worked my way through the whole pile.

It was rather painless and not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I had to fill in some forms that will have to be mailed and filed away a bunch of things and received one unexpected bill that I was unhappy about, but it can't be helped and will automatically be withdrawn from my account on the 21st, which is good, because I'll actually have money then. I'll have to borrow from myself to make up the difference.

I count dealing with the mail as one chore, but a big one and I don't expect myself to do two other chores afterwards. I deserve kudos after I deal with the mail and file it all in the right place. I always think a slice of bread with jam is in order. That's a treat for me and an extra glass of fruit juice.

I'm sure not getting all my medication in this morning screwed me up a bit, but I took my evening dose early, so I'm okay now. I have my doses of medicines that I take during the day, but they are not all the same, so it was just waiting for the evening dose to come along to make sure everything was in my system again. I couldn't really repeat the morning dose, because I thought that some of it had gone down. I'll ask my psychiatrist the next time I see him.

I had that slice of bread with luncheon meat before I went to sleep and I think that's what the problem was. It wasn't properly digested yet and sat like a lump in my little stomach. I mustn't eat just before I go to sleep.

The nap was wonderful and I didn't wake up until after 6 pm. Jesker was laying on his blanket and then scooted close for some petting. We've been out for his last walk and it wasn't that cold outside, even though it was overcast. Cloudy days with warm temperatures are expected. That means I can wear my slippers, which give my little toe an opportunity to heal so well.

I have to not forget to put out the trash and the green container and go to bed on time to get up early in the morning for my creative therapy. My plan is to not miss any classes this week and I want to stick to that.

I have started reading again before I fall asleep, though I don't get very far. Just a few pages and I'm asleep, so it will take me a while before I finish my book. Tessa Edwards had some great suggestions for books and I really can't wait to add them to my wish list. I have a wish list a mile long over at Bol.com. that I have to update now.

I just want to own books, have them in my possession with all their pretty covers and titles. I'd like to have a book case full of unread books. That would be a real treasure to me. I have two at home that I have to finish before I get to order any others. When I'm almost done with the second one, I'll order a new one or two.

I can't do book mooch, because I'm loathe to give books away, even if I get new ones in their place. I just want people to send me books, I don't want to send any away.

Well, I'll make myself a nice mug of decaf now and enjoy the rest of my time behind the computer doing very many important things. You know how that goes. One project leads to another.

Have a good night and nice weather tomorrow.

Ciao...

Whacky World.

More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I'm beat. I don't even have the energy to go to the store and I'm eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets. I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy. All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up, because I was seriously dragging my butt, going there straight from my dance therapy.

It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all. I've just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable. Not that people all have uncomplicated lives, but somehow it all seems manageable. There are no catastrophes out there. At least none that I'm aware of. We all have our difficulties, but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard.

I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that. About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again. I suppose the answer to that is different for every person, but maybe much more alike than different for all of us.

I notice that in all of my groups, that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns. It's like we all read a big book somewhere that said, under these conditions you act that way. So much of it is very predictable. The beginning, the middle, the end, if it ever comes, all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you're a patient long enough, and know a lot of things, you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist. I do have to point out that I say almost. That's very important. You never get as smart as. Patients lack the objectivity.

Hell, I don't even know if I'm qualified to write that stuff down. They are just my own observations. You do learn a lot in my line of activities. People around me in the groups say I have a lot of courage and inner strength and that I am verbally strong. I dare to talk about subjects that they are afraid to bring up, but are relieved when I do. But I'm not always courageous. I get insecure too and wonder if I say too much or breach the wrong subject and I pay a price for that afterwards if I don't get the answer to my questions quickly. I have to settle my own sense of insecurity on the spot or walk around with it and it will nag at me until it hurts.

Well anyway, today at dance therapy, we learned to dance with a veil and if you think that's easy, think again. Your arms get very tired lifting this thing up and around you and twisting it around your shoulders and in front of you becomingly. Then try to do that while dancing with the emphasis on your hips.

I have to tell you very honestly that I'm the worst student in the class and do not move gracefully, but more like a stiff rake with arms an legs attached to it. I have no swing in my hips and no easy bend in my back and all my movements cost effort. And I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. I lean to the left and forget to breathe. My hip and my back hurt and I have to take mini breaks. I loose the rhythm and have too start all over again. I'm a lost cause.

But still I'll keep going, because the music is wonderful.

The weather has been gray and cold and windy all day and now it is raining. It's feast or famine here. We'll have sunshine again on Friday, but it won't be warm. That I don't care about so much. I don't mind wearing an extra layer of clothes. In fact, I prefer it, it makes for interesting dressing up. And you know how much I like that.

I gave away all my jangly earrings that I never wear to a very nice woman who loves to wear them and I made her very happy with them. I only wear my titanium studs, at least, I think that's what they are. They never irritate my ears. This woman was wearing a necklace that I very much admired and she's going to get me one just like it. I'm a necklace person and feel naked without one. So, that's great.

Tomorrow is music therapy and relaxation exercises and only a short morning. In the afternoon, someone from domestic help is coming for an intake meeting to see what needs to be done to the apartment to get it back to normal again and how much help I need with that. They had lost the original application that was put in when I was depressed and my SPN sent in a new one, because it seems I still need help now with all these extra classes and no idea of how to get things back on the rails.

I'll leave it at that and walk the dog for the last time and get my pajamas on and do the dishes. Oh, somebody needs to do them. I live here, so it must be me.

Have a great evening.

Ciao...

Ergo Therapy.

Alright, I've taken a power nap on the sofa and I've walked the dog, so now we'll see if I can come up with anything sensible. I may have to go back to the sofa and power nap some more, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I actually power napped for a long time, so you shouldn't see it as one short burst of a nap. It was just very immediate and intense and that's why I call it a power nap. I lie down and am almost immediately sound asleep.You'd have to shoot off a cannon to wake me up and I stay asleep until I just as suddenly wake up and get up immediately as if I never slept at all.

Those first few minutes determine my mood and in that time I can become happy or sad. If I become sad, there is only one thing to do and that is to sleep some more. I am on the verge right now of being unhappy and it is not something inside of me that is making me so, but I am unhappy because of how the ergo therapy went yesterday morning.

I think it was too intense and too emotional and too dangerous and somehow I feel that I am implicated in it, although I know this isn't true, but because I am the bearer of some knowledge that the rest of the group does not bear, I feel a certain amount of responsibility.

You see, I know a very awful story about one of my co-patients that she just shared with me herself in the strictest confidence and yesterday, the therapist, who also knows the story , tried to get this patient to tell this story to the group, using me as an example of why it would be possible, because of the patient's extreme fear that she would be ostracized by the group if she told them the story.

I iterated to her how this knowledge made her not repulsive to me, but how it made me care about her more and made me respect her more. The therapist made me repeat that, so the patient would understand that very well.

Anyway, the whole thing became very emotional, and another patient walked out, and in the end the story was not told and now maybe never will be, although it should, but it should not be forced out of her. The patient who walked out had a half an hour of one to one counseling and the rest of us were fine and concerned ourselves more with the patient who didn't tell the story.

But it has left a bad aftertaste with me and I feel as though I've done something wrong. As if I'm implicated in a crime. I feel dirty and ashamed and I can't talk about it with anyone. That's why I'm writing it all down here, without going into the details of the story, because I can't.

I hope somebody out there understands my situation and gives me some feedback. I feel used, I guess, although I suppose the intentions were good.

I hope I made this an understandable story and not too confusing. It helps to write it all down.

Ciao...

Sunday when we are lazy and at rest.

I'm having a wonderful mug of coffee and my inevitable cigarette and the Überhund is momentarily distracted while licking his paw. That means he has forgotten the myriad of things he wants me to do for him in the morning. Sometimes he is just a spoiled dog who doesn't know what he wants and decides to be fussy just for the hell of it. Either that, or we're having a big misunderstanding, which is just as likely, because I'm preoccupied and not paying the correct amount of attention.

Before I forget and before I do anything else, I want to post this photograph of my friend Von, so you will all know who I hang out with every Friday afternoon.

It's always nice to put a face to the name, isn't it? The fact that this is a very attractive face helps. Von is tall and skinny and when she walks downtown with her greyhound she turns quite a few heads. They are a perfect match. She turns heads without the greyhound too.

I fell asleep on the sofa and just continued sleeping there, even after I woke up at 3 am to go to the toilet. It's me and that sofa again, or I should say, me and that bed, which I have such a hard time sleeping in. I must change bedrooms quickly and not even wait for the paint on the walls. I have such a dislike for my bedroom, that I don't like sleeping in it. That's not good. I'll have to call the Exfactor today and see when he has time to help me change it around.

In the meantime, I've fed and walked the dog and now he is quite happily snoring on the floor beside me. Of course, I wasn't at all well put together. My hair was pointing in all directions and I had no make up on, but I couldn't be bothered just to walk the dog. It would be the height of vanity to get all dolled up for that early in the morning. The poor dog already was impatient enough.

We had the European Song Festival on TV last night and although I started watching it, I fell asleep very soon into it and have no idea who won. The Netherlands didn't even make it through the half finales, which was not surprising, because it was a very bad song. We haven't come up with a good song in years. They all sound alike, like European Song Festival Songs and there's nothing original about them. We go in there with an attitude as if we're going to win and I'm thinking all along, no way, boys! Talk about fooling yourselves.

I keep on not doing the few household duties that I'm supposed to do. I keep finding excuses not to do them, like: oh, it is late in the day now, it can wait until tomorrow. Or: it's not that bad, if I postpone it one day it won't matter. Of course, I keep postponing everything one day and never get around to it, so today I must. I have to get the kitchen cleaned up, the plants watered and the laundry folded and put away. On Sunday, the day of rest, but I must do it to get a good start to the week.

I must also try and put in a full week of therapies and not cut one day if I can help it, even though I know there will be mornings when I want to stay in bed and sleep some more.

I just looked at the spare bedroom and saw how much stuff there is to move out of there. So many boxes, it makes your head spin. What a mess! There's no way I can tackle that job on my own. I had a small sparkle of hope that I could, but no. It looks like a dumping ground. I would be a broken woman at the end of the day if I tried to do that on my own. It needs muscle power.

I better stick to the things I have to do today. Which include washing my hair again. I will do that first.

Have yourself a super Sunday with lots of nice weather.

Ciao...

Friday at last.

The Überhund was playing with Gandhi early this morning in the bedroom, chasing her around while she hopped around on the furniture, so I woke up at 6:30, which was too early, but it couldn't be helped. I had set the alarm clock for seven and thought I might as well get up, because those two weren't about to quit their game. They were very feisty. It was give Mom a hard time morning.

So I put on my slippers and very drowsily made myself a cup of coffee and watched repeats of the news, which I shouldn't have done and which were all about the events of yesterday. It was not a good way to start the day.

I decided to get dressed and first had to decide what to wear and I wanted to look colorful, so I wore lavender colored leggings with a purple t-shirt and my black mini skirt and my brown boots. I added a blue necklace and a multi colored beaded necklace so I looked like a happy camper and all cheerful. It was like I was going to a party.

My hair was terribly squashed and I had to do some work to get it to stand up again the way it is supposed to, short of getting in the shower and washing it, for which I had no time. Then I took my extra strong hairspray, that can withstand hurricanes, and made it stay in place. It can poke your eye out. Caution!

In the meanwhile, the dog was laying by the door waiting for me to get done so I could take him out. He braves the hairspray and the perfume. He just sneezes a couple of times.

I now have everything planned so that I am consistently five minutes late to therapy, but I do miss all the traffic this way and am not in danger of getting run over when I have to cross the busy street. I figure my safety is worth something too, especially since my pedals are funky and don't always move me ahead when I think they will.

I made a complete sculpture this morning, but it wasn't a very difficult one and I am getting the hang of it, so I sculpt rapidly. The next one I'm going to make is more difficult, but I wanted to jack up my self esteem a bit by making an easy one first. Actually, it was easier than I thought it was going to be and I was surprised that I had finished it when the morning came to an end. It needs to dry just a little bit so I can hollow it out on Monday.

When I got home, I decided to write my new schedule down in my agenda, so that it would all become more clear to me and so that I could see on which days I was actually doing what. I have therapies on every day, but I have three afternoons off, so that's not too bad. I also have some holidays coming up. so some of these days are going to be canceled, which I think is a darn shame, because I want to go to those therapies.

The Exfactor's brother and sister in law are visiting him for a couple of days, but they are not planning on coming over to see me, which kind of surprises me, because I thought I got along well with the sister in law and had talked to her several times on the phone since our divorce. I'm not really put out, just a little bit surprised as I was expecting them to come by and it would have been a good reason for me to finish my house cleaning. I would have enjoyed seeing her, but I guess I'm really divorced from the family now.

I think Toby is all better. I haven't heard him sneeze at all today. He is very affectionate and hangs out in the kitchen all day long and whenever I go in there he is ready to be petted by me. He was such a miserable heap of a cat last week and now he is a nice normal cat again. Antibiotics are great!

That's all of my news for now. Tomorrow is another day of house cleaning. I really must get serious about the bathroom. I'll wake up with lots of energy and just do it.

Have a good evening, you all. The sun is shining here and has been all day.

Ciao...

Contrary.

Contrary to my best intentions, it is the middle of the day and I have the computer on and am active on it. So, why is that?

Well, I felt like being stubborn and going my own way today and do things just a little bit different. I have cleaned up the apartment a bit and if you run fast, you don't notice what needs to be done yet. For all appearances it looks good enough, if you run fast. You can also roller skate through. Or drive by in a fast car and have a quick peek through the windows.

Frankly, my dear...let's just pretend that today doesn't have to be a very productive day and that it is mental health day. To celebrate this day, I have arranged my books on the bookcase by color. It came over me as I sat by the dining table and suddenly I got up and started putting all the red books together. Once I had that done, the rest was easy. The blue ones followed and then the greens and so on. The black books outnumber all of them.

Some of them were still arranged by color from an earlier attempt, so it was pretty easy. I should have dusted right away, but I was too impatient for it and will have to go back and do it when spring fever hits. Maybe this was a heralding of it. Get ready, it is about to start.

I saw my SPN this morning and shared my feelings about the therapies with her, but then fell into such a funk, that I didn't really know how to communicate any further and it was kind of a futile discussion, because I was not cooperative. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I just slammed shut and didn't know what to say anymore.

I did say, that if the situation continued as it was, I would quit the therapies and make my own way in life. She thought that was just my emotions speaking and that I would regret that later.

If anybody dares to say to me again that it is going to end soon, I'm going to challenge them and tell them to name me a date so that I can prepare myself properly. I'm not going to hang in limbo for the rest of the time that I'm there.

I have tried to call my main therapist there, but she was out for the day, so I left a message with the head of the department to call me back. I am going to get down to the basics with this and get this sorted out.

So, here I have been sitting getting myself out of my funk back to normal again. Slowly but surely I am. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well looking up at a little bit of blue sky. I knew I would get there, I just didn't know how long it would take me. A funk is not like having the blues, it doesn't last as long. I have a funk every time I go to my therapies now. I get over it when I get home.

I've put the Überhund on a diet. I think he was eating very healthy, but I also think he was still getting too much food, so I've cut that back quite a bit and he's not complaining yet, which makes me think he is getting enough. He needs to loose a few kilos and always has. Maybe we can achieve that now. I'm still putting ointment in his eye and it looks better, but it isn't cleared up yet. The ointment is very expensive, so I hope I don't have to keep buying it.

Toby's allergies are back. He is sneezing again and has runny eyes. He didn't have that all winter, but it just started again. He's not suffering, so I'm not going to worry about it and have another expensive vet bill. I clean his eyes every day and say, "Bless you," when he sneezes. That's about all I can do. I'm keeping an eye on his eyes to make sure they don't become infected, because I sure as heck don't want that to happen. Imagine two animals with eye infections.

Gandhi and Nouri are fine. They hang out on the dining table and watch the world go by through the windows there. We still get people who walk by and say, "Oh, look at the cats!" And then Nouri becomes scared of all the faces at the window and takes off, while Gandhi just sits there. Nouri is a little paranoid and gets scared of leaves falling off trees, or me walking through the apartment too quickly.

The sun is shining and it is 11 degrees Celsius outside. That is 52 degrees Fahrenheit. Not bad for a day in March. The fact that the sun is shining makes up for a lot. I saw the first dandelions in the field today. And some unknown little bush had pink blossoms on it. Some of the shrubbery has little buds of green, but you have to look very carefully. It's going to be so exciting when the trees show their first green buds. It's not going to be long now before that happens. Every day we are getting a little bit closer. All you have to do is watch the changes happen very closely.

Living with the seasons makes you appreciate the springtime so very much. There is very little about the winter that I like and I just sort of endure it and wait for the spring to come. But when it comes, it comes in a hurry and you really have to pay attention, because before you know it, everything is lush and green around you and you really ought to savor every moment. That's why I'm going for an extra walk with the dog right now. To see what is happening in everybody's gardens.

Have a good day, everybody.

Ciao...

Lazily.

How very tranquilly and lazily I start the morning. I have had 2 mugs of coffee and am about to have a mug of decaf. The Überhund has had his breakfast and is busy digesting. The cats are slightly disgusted, because they didn't get anything so good, but all is really well and it has even stopped raining for a bit. This low pressure system is coming to us by way of England, so I know what sort of weather they are having there.

I am sitting here in my red bathrobe and pajamas and I think that is a pure luxury. The blinds are still closed, but I could open them and not be embarrassed. Anyone who wants to look inside will see a woman who is quite contended, sitting behind her computer with a nice mug of coffee and a cigarette. They should all be so lucky.

Yesterday, the installation packet from the Internet provider I canceled in December arrived and I sent it back right away. It took some doing, because I had to call them first for a return address and a return number that allowed me to send it for free. I was on hold for quite some time.

Considering that I had canceled them after not having them deliver it on time, and after receiving a letter from them that they could not provide me the service I asked for, it is very ironic that the installation packet finally did arrive when I had no use for it and so very late. I think these companies don´t have their heads screwed on straight and I wonder how they even manage to do any business, except that you seem to be caught in their web once you are in their system and you need to watch out for yourself very well. Their right hand doesn´t seem to know what their left hand is doing.

Today I have an evaluation for my therapies. It consists of filling out questionnaires and having a talk with the top therapist about your status and your goals. On Monday I have another evaluation with my SPN there as well. You get evaluated every 4 months and a decision is made as to how much time you still need and if you are moving in a forward motion. The purpose is that you are, of course, and I think I am.

I don´t know. Sometimes I am so full of confidence and I am so convinced of my ability to do well. I don´t know where that courage comes from and I know it isn´t constant, but I´m happy when it is there. I feel that I can take on the world and be unbeatable and I am not intimidated by anything. I could singlehandedly slay an army of opposing forces and be right and justified in everything I do.

Okay, I need to get going now. It is well past start the morning time and some chores are waiting for me.

Have a terrific day, I am planning on having one myself.

Ciao...

Goodness.

After having slept on the sofa most of the evening, I went to bed and slept until 10:15 this morning. Can you believe it? When did it last happen that I slept that late? I don't remember it myself. I tell you, I really feel rested, though. I just hope I don't do this Monday morning when I have to go to creative therapy and why does the Überhund not wake me up anymore? We both must be getting old and tired. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as we get enough sleep.

Getting enough sleep sure changes your outlook on life, because last night I thought I was depressed and this morning I no longer think so and that is only due to getting enough sleep. Why do I never remember that? Maybe it is because I don't realize when I haven't had enough sleep. Nevertheless, you'd think that that would be the first thing I'd think of when I get down.

My mind sure tricks me. It makes me assume the worst is happening when the most simple solution is at hand. I haven't had enough sleep for quite awhile, so that explains the mood I've been in. What I think is depression, is actually pure exhaustion. I just don't recognize it as such.

Anyway, the Exfactor came over yesterday afternoon to do the groceries for me. He has been a great help to me and he does it cheerfully. I feel so much better, that I will be able to do the shopping myself now. The anti-inflammatory medication has helped a lot and I hardly feel any pain anymore. I can breathe deeply without it hurting too much. As a result, I have been able to take the Überhund for his normal walks, instead of the short ones, and we both enjoy those a lot better.

I get along fine with the Exfactor, but I do notice that I have very little conversation material. There is so much that I don't talk about with him, that there is very little left that I do discuss with him. I don't really want to make him part of my new life, so I don't talk about all the things that I do in my therapy groups, for instance. I don't tell him about the people I meet there and the funny things that happen. I certainly don't tell him about my personal thoughts or about my worries or my hopes for the future. He's not my best friend in that sense of the word.

Actually, now that I think of it, I don't think that I have such a person in my life, other than my SPN. I am too much of a guarded person in real life, contrary to the impression that you get from me here. I don't really get up close and personal with anybody. Well, I did with the Exfactor when I was still married to him, but that was it. I don't really have a best friend.

Never mind. My mother always said about me, 'still waters run deep' and she was right, I keep a lot of what I think inside of me. My son was the same way. You could see him think about everything that took place around him, but he would not comment until the right moment and then something incredibly sage and funny would come out.

Clearly, nobody could have predicted what a waterfall of 'speech' I could be when given a blog and the right to communicate freely without an editor.

Now, back to today. The Überhund is sound asleep at my feet. He piddled out back and I think I can sit here and finish my coffee before I have to get the day started for sure. I always like to postpone that moment as long as possible, because there is something so cozy about sitting here with my bathrobe on and my coffee and my cigarettes before I have done anything. Writing a post doesn't count as doing anything. That's pure self indulgence.

Nevertheless, I do have to get the show on the road. Some small amount of responsibility does remain intact and I know I can't sit here forever. We have to take our medicines and I have to get dressed and made up. I have wasted half the day now, although I must say that it has been a great way to waste it. I can think of no better way.

Hope you all have a great day. It's the weekend, hurray!

Ciao...

Who cares?

Have you ever had a day when you just didn't care if the house was clean enough for a visit from the Queen and her entire entourage? The floors are gritty and the toilet needs cleaning and the kitchen sink needs to be scrubbed, but do I care? No, not one tiny little bit. So, there.

I took a sleeping pill last night and woke up at the very late hour of 7:30 AM. Well, that's late for me and I do need my navel staring time, besides walking the dog and making cigarettes for the day and all the other little jobs I do to get ready before I leave for creative therapy. I didn't rush, though. I figured I would get there on time or just too late and either one would be okay.

The Überhund got a shorter walk and he seems to know this, because he pees more efficiently on the way back home. Smart dog. He doesn't skip a bush or tree. Then I even remembered to take my medication and give the Überhund his, which was good, because when in a rush it is easy to forget. That's why I tried to move at the same pace that I normally do.

I was 5 minutes late when I got to creative therapy and there were people coming in after me, so it was no big deal. The nice thing about this therapy is that there is always fresh coffee and there are always cookies, which I make sure I have my share of, for as much as I am able to eat them. I consider them my breakfast.

The collage I am working on, I had started when I was very upset and as a result I had not put the upside down picture down well enough and left many bubbles in them, with the result that when I tried to remove the backs of them, most of the picture came away too, so the whole thing was sort of a disaster. Not to worry, though. I plowed through all the magazines and found new pictures and pasted them right side up, not willing to risk another bubble damaged fiasco and changed the theme of the collage a bit.

When I had them pasted down, I dried them with the hair dryer and started applying different color washes, drying each one with the hair dryer before applying the next. You can push the paint around with the hair dryer in little streams that randomly flow all over the collage and give a neat effect. Now that I have applied all the different color washes, I have to think of what to do next that is interesting and I have a whole week to find inspiration. The pictures to me really play a secondary role to the colors. I am especially fond of the color red and use it the most.

After therapy, a group of us go to the smoking deck and have coffee and cigarettes there and unwind for a while. Somebody gave me cookies to take home to the Überhund, which he was mighty happy with. We sit and talk about just ordinary things, like what it is like to be a psychiatric patient in a world filled with 'normal' people and how you can never quite make the connection with the ordinary people about your disorder, because somewhere along the line you lose those people as they haven't shared your experience. That is why it is nice to be in contact with fellow sufferers; you don't need to say much, because there is much common knowledge. And you can joke about it too.

The last few days have been incredibly beautiful for the time of year and during the day we don't need to wear a jacket. It feels a little bit like late summer. It's supposed to stay this way through Wednesday and then it will be Autumn weather again, woe is me. I have been wearing my thin pretty leggings and my mini skirt, but I'll just wear thicker leggings and face the cold.

I have decided to not do the dance therapy, because I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. We're supposed to move from out of our hips as if there is a string with a cork hanging from our female parts and I just can't get past that picture and get the movement right. I feel like a broomstick that is trying to bend in the middle and do it graciously without breaking. It's Eastern dancing and not at all what I had in mind when I joined up. It is the main movement and the one that all the rest is centered around. I can not do this with any sort of grace and I find a high amount of ridiculousness in it. I don't like to do things badly and inadequately. I know it is not going to be appreciated that I quit, but I did want to do some other therapies that were not available and dance was the only option, I was told. We'll see.

My mood has been good today, it has gone neither up nor down. It is just a regular old mood, the same as any old person has them, I suppose. I haven't felt like spending any money yet, but there is always the possibility that I will through an on line store, which is so very tempting and always hangs in front of me like a carrot dangles in front of a donkey. Can you get that picture? Just like my mother, I am clothes obsessed and always want more and better clothes than what I have already. Of course, I do empty my closet of clothes that have become to big on me and give those to the recycle store on a regular basis. But that's just an excuse. I always want to feel that I am the best dressed woman in the room. I love and adore clothes and I have good taste.

Hurry on to a different subject! I have been buying nonfat yogurt with fruit in it and I find it very satisfying to eat. It is filling and it tastes good and it is nice and cool and thick like a pudding. I have given up on eating bread, it just wasn't a success anymore. Not even the smaller slices of raisin bread. I had been looking at the müesli bread that they sell at the super market, because it seems like it would be so healthy to eat, but I am not going to take a chance and buy it. It would probably all go to waste.

I am very hooked on fruit juice and the one I drink has a lot of pulp in it and I do love that, especially when I get to the last bit that is left in the container. I have a pint of that every day. I think I drink about a liter of milk everyday, subtract some for the cats. I wish I could eat cheese, but I haven't tried that in a while; I especially like the soft French cheeses like Brie. I also haven't had any eggs in a few months. The last time I tried those, it wasn't a big success and I thought I would not buy another carton and have them go to waste.

So, basically I live on milk, fruit juice, nonfat yogurt with fruit and Cup a Soup, but when I'm hungry I eat and I do eat cookies and chocolates when I get the chance, I don't say no to goodies. Oh yes, when I make rice for the Überhund, I make it with bouillon and lots of spices and I eat that too, like basmati rice, mmm...

Well, now I am good and hungry and I'll stop and have something to eat. I have 5 flavors of Cup a Soup and I think that's quite a luxury.

Have a very good evening and thank you for all the supportive comments when I go through a rough time. I really appreciate them very much. You guys are the best.

Ciao...

Another Happy Day...

Another happy day has passed in the small household of Irene S. and Überhund B. and their minion cats. There were no major occurrences, no major upsets, no injuries were reported so far and it seems that we all made it safely through the day up to this point. Several hours are left in the day, so anything is still possible, but we are planning a quiet evening at home and no upheavals are expected.

The only thing that is bothering me right now, is the candy bar I just ate and that I bought at the tobacco shop when I went to replenish my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. The candy bars are prominently displayed right in front of the counter and it is very difficult not to buy one. I had a Mars bar, very good going down, but it is sitting in my little stomach like a cannon ball. I get the feeling that this was just what I didn't need, but my eyes do get bigger than my stomach sometimes and I forget my limitations. I've made myself a nice mug of hot foamy coffee to wash it all down with and that should bring some relief soon.

The man at the tobacco shop doesn't earn his money selling tobacco and cigarettes, it's all the other stuff he sells that he makes a profit on, so he needs to display these things prominently for silly housewives like me who come in hungry for chocolate, because aren't women always? He also sells stamps and bus tickets (very handy) and birthday cards and newspapers. I always buy stamps there, so I don't have to stand in line at the little post office in the supermarket. I don't know if he sells overseas stamps, I'll have to ask him one day.

My cats have decided that they are not that fond of the new cat food. They eat a little bit of it and then walk away in disgust. Well, guess what, they have to learn to like it, because I have 3 kilos of it and although the Überhund likes it, he isn't going to eat it. The poor things aren't getting anything else. It is Whiskas of all things.

The hot water heater man was here this afternoon and saw the cat and dog food and remarked on the fact that the animals didn't have a bad life here. He was a cat man himself and even very shy Nouri came out of hiding to be petted by him. He fixed the hot water heater and now the apartment is warm and the dishes are done. Not that I had that many dishes, eating the way I do, but I do like my soup bowl really clean and all the spoons.

I checked my bank account and to my great relief saw that the money from the rent subsidy had been deposited. If I live very frugally until the 20th of the month, I will be able to put some money into my savings account or pay back money to my Visa account, whichever works out to my best advantage. It will be a big surprise to see what my welfare payment will be this month and if they screwed it up again. I do so hope they will get it right all at once and that I will not have to make angry phone calls about it. Stress about money wears you down.

Then I have to await the letter from the Tax Office with the new decision concerning my housing subsidy and I don't know what it entails, because the woman I talked to on the phone could not discuss it with me, because I had not received the letter yet. I hope it is not bad news, meaning that my subsidy will be lowered, although I imagine not, or otherwise they would not have sent me the money they did for 4 months. Clarity, that's all I want for just a little while.

Actually, I didn't mind not going to my therapy groups today. I felt like I had the day off and to be honest, right now I feel like never going to any of them again, but I know I must and that it is for my own best will that I go. It is just so nice not to go and to not fit into the regime of thinking and doing and analyzing. It's so nice to just be.

But next week I will go again and do my best and be the good sport that I am and pay attention to what I am being taught. I feel the resistance and I know where it comes from and I have felt it before when I was in group therapy and it means that I am nearing the end, but I have to hang in there a while longer and make sure it really is the end. So, I will give it another few months and go with the flow and make sure I finish it properly. I have been in the groups for 4 months now and you get evaluated every 4 months, as I have just been. It was said that I want to run, when I should just walk. Some people take a year or 2 to finish, but I don't see myself doing that.

Anyway, I just gave the Überhund his food and he made sure he made a big deal out of it by announcing it to all the cats, so that they could come and look at his dish, so he could chase them away from it. He barks very loudly when I pour the food in, as if he is heralding the grand opening of something and, of course, all the cats show up. Then he very possessively growls and barks at them to make it all very exciting. He can't just eat his food in a normal way.

Well, I think I've shared everything with you now. I should call this blog, ' Dear Diary.' Oh yes, I took one hell of a terrific nap this morning on the sofa. I was up very early and then I got so tired that I could hardly see straight or think what day it was and what the heck I was doing. Sleep fell over me as soon as I laid myself down and I slept for almost three hours. See, I must have needed that. Or is it hibernation?

Ciao...

Feel Free.

Please feel free to scroll down this page and read the posts before this one, because this is just an extra post born out of my desire to fill an empty hour before I have to officially get the day started.

I've been up for a while and at one point contemplated going back to bed, but then got sidetracked adding banners to my blog and making sure I had the right colors and then even changing the header image again, because I can never decide which I find the most awe inspiring, so now it is this one for a while. The looming storm was great and may make its return, but I do love this composition very much. It makes me think of Ireland for some reason, although it could be anywhere.

I always want to play with my blog and wish there were more things I could do with it. I haven't added music, but that is basically because I know you all like your peace and quiet while you read and my taste in music does not involve a lot of peace and quiet, although I do love a soft sexy saxophone or a languidly played piano.

I also don't want to clutter up the thing too much, it has to stay esthetically pleasing. Like my friend Laura always says, less is more, and she took many art classes, so I'll take her word for it.

I've not had the heater on overnight, but it isn't too cold in here. I think closing the little windows did the job. I like to keep them open for as long as possible to keep the place aired. Now all that is open is the window in the work room and I can't close that because of the dampness, but the door to that room is closed, still it helps.

Last night the Überhund was limping and when I tried to look at his paw, he sort of yelped and then growled at me for trying to examine it. This morning he is fine, but I know he has been licking it and gnawing at it all night, so maybe there was something in it, like a splinter or something. I hope he stays okay, because he has seen the vet enough times lately and it is costing the Exfactor a lot of money. Poor dog and he can't talk and tell me what's wrong.

I am looking forward to today, as this will be my long day away from home and I won't be back until 3 PM. The Überhund has to last until that time before I can walk him. I think he will be alright, he has a strong bladder and it is no disaster if he has an accident in the home as I have no carpeting. I think that sounds like the title of a book, "Accidents in the Home." Written by Anne Tyler or somebody like that.

For some strange reason, in all the darkness and ugly weather, there is a bird chirping very loudly. I wonder what he is up to? It isn't mating season, but maybe he has been spotted by a cat and it is a warning signal. Or maybe he is just letting the other birds know that it's time to wake up and get the first worm, because there must be many of them now with all the rain. My sister has a terrible phobia for worms, which is hard when you like gardening.

I have a phobia for small enclosed spaces and I also don't like to go into mazes for fear of not being able to find my way out. Slight panic hits me when I can't find the exit. I can go into an elevator, but I don't really like to be in a room with the door closed and all the rooms in the apartment have the doors open, except for the work room, which I don't go into. The bathroom door is also always open. It's a Californian habit that suits me well. I never close it and am always accompanied by an animal or two. I keep it open when I shower especially, because I would hate to be disconnected from the rest of the apartment then.

Strange habits people have, huh? I always bring three sandwich baggies when I let out the Überhund and I have three regular poop baggies tied to the handle of the leash. I always have to have that amount. if I don't, I feel that I am unprepared. Overcautious is my name.

I went through a period in my life when I counted everything. Whenever I was someplace and I was not distracted, I counted things in singles , in pairs, in sets of fives and tens, etc. I always hoped that I would find even numbers or even sets.

I also went through a time when I double checked everything and triple checked it and quadruple checked it and so on. That was obsessive compulsive behavior, but for some reason I outgrew it. Something in my psychological make up changed or in my environment and I didn't have to do it anymore. I used to close my daughter's bedroom window more than twenty times at night before I was sure it was closed properly. Even then I doubted myself.

It's really sad when you hear the rain splattering on the pavement outside and you know you have to go out in it. I think I have to do a reverse rain dance. That is the one regrettable thing about not having a car. You are exposed to the lesser elements such as rain and wind and you hope for many large trees along the road to shelter you somewhat, because that really does help.

Well, that's it for now. I have to get dressed and made up and coiffed. I hope the awful weather doesn't undo all my careful work and leave my mascara on my cheekbones. That always gives you that ghoulish look.

Have a good day, everyone.

Ciao...

A leather one.

It was my intention, yesterday morning, to go to those second hand clothing stores to look for a leather jacket and with that thought in mind, I hopped on the bus and took it downtown and got off at the market square. Once there, I started to walk in the direction I thought the second hand clothing stores were in, but then I thought that I might as well check out my favorite regular clothing store to see if they had any leather jackets and to see what the prices were. After all, I had no idea what those things cost and what would be a fair price for one second hand.

So, I changed direction and went to M&S Fashion and once there walked all the way to the back of the store were the jackets were and they had leather jackets alright. A whole selection to choose from and the prices were very reasonable. I tried on a couple, but came back to the one I tried on first which was on sale at 20% off. It was the one I liked best. It had a zipper opening and 4 smaller zippers on the front and it was waist length. I didn't need to think about it very much and I whipped out my credit card and bought it and wore it out of the store.

I felt like a real tough broad walking there with my boots and jacket on and I called the Exfactor to see if he was at work so I could go over and have a coffee there. I walked into that place as if I owned it and the Exfactor said that all I needed now was a Harley. This was a underhanded compliment, because he can't stand Harleys, but the secretary thought I looked great and commented on my weight loss. Apparently my face has gotten a lot thinner.

I had one cup of coffee and was out of there and walked through town to the bus station, wanting to try out my new image on the unsuspecting public. Well, let's face it, I didn't cause any sort of an uproar and nobody fell of their bike or anything. To the public, I was just an ordinary hip woman walking by, like there are so many of them. No big deal, really, but it was to me. I like wearing these clothes and I feel good in them.

When I got home, I had to walk the Überhund and he doesn't give a darn what I look like, so that was no problem. When we got back to the apartment, I had to do the dull ordinary cleaning stuff, so I had had my moment in the spotlight.

Then the mail came and let me tell you, it was a moment to hit the roof or go through it, because Social Services again sent me a specification that they were not going to give me any money this month, calculated on completely false information, the correct gist of which I had sent them 3 times already, so I called my case manager very angrily and asked him if they had all gone crazy there? He was almost speechless, because he realized a mistake had been made, but how to set it right?

To make a long story short, I am going over there this morning to get an advance on my monthly payment and the rest will be sorted out as quickly as possible. I am so disgusted, I hardly want to talk about it.

I also got a letter in the mail from the tax people asking me formally in which bank account the rent subsidy must be deposited, but when I looked at the total amount, I figured out that it was only for 4 months and not for 6 months the way it is supposed to be. So, I will have to make a phone call about that this morning.

Can you imagine how worried and discouraged I get? When you yourself do your best to do everything by the rules and then other people come along and rip the whole thing apart?

Oh, I am not going to waste anymore words on this. I am so full of frustration.

In the meantime, I am sitting here early in the morning with the Überhund at my feet, bound and determined to try and make this a day that will have a happy ending.

This afternoon I have an evaluation meeting with the therapy team of the therapy groups I am in. The head of the department will be there also, as will the assistents. I am looking forward to that, because that can only be a positive experience. Here is a group of people that has my best interest at heart and who want what is best for me. It's such a contradiction with what I experience in the other areas of my life and amazing that these things happen simultaneously.

Well, you know, I will stop writing now and hope I can be a little bit more upbeat the next time around. Argh!

Ciao...