Symbols of freedom...

I woke up slowly out of my deep slumber this night and before I had even opened my eyes, I felt happiness and contentment throughout my body and mind. It was both a physical and emotional experience. I felt as if I was a little kid and had remembered that it was the day of my birthday. I hope you can all recall that feeling of anticipation. 

I have no special reason to feel that way. All I've done is quit taking my last tranquilizer last night. It's possible that this action is causing me to feel this way and I welcome it, but it may be all a figment of my own imagination and merely symbolize the liberation of another pill.

I do feel less drugged and completely not sedated even though I've still taken my fall asleep pill. I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It stops working after a few hours, so I think it's out of my system now, but I can't be sure of that. I may be fooling myself if I claim that it is.

Not taking the tranquilizers is a huge step toward the liberation of my mind. I hadn't realized what a drugged state it had been in all this time. When my psychiatrist told me that getting off the barbiturates was the most important thing, he wasn't kidding, although I didn't pay much attention to his words at the time. I almost dismissed them.

***

Yesterday was a sunny but blustery day. It wasn't too cold, but I did wear my leather jacket and my cowboy boots. Those are a pleasure to wear and make me feel real tough. I feel like I can really go about my business when I wear them. 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN  and rode my bike over there. The wind was so strong that I almost got blown sideways a couple of times, but I managed to hold my course for the most part and ended up where I had to be. 

My hair got blown all over the place and that's why it's nice to have it cut short. Not much damage can be done to it and it mostly does end up in the style that you want it to be. It does remind me that I have to get it cut again soon. It does grow awfully fast. 

There were lots of clouds in the sky and it looked like the kind of sky that you see in the paintings of the Old Masters. The clouds were enormous, but somehow the sun managed to shine around them. 

When I returned home, I had the wind in my back and I rode my bike almost effortlessly. I never had an easier ride. I felt like I was in great shape, though in reality I am and I now have strong pedaling thighs. I don't tire easily, though I wouldn't want to have to ride my bike on a bike path on top of a dike into the wind. I couldn't manage that. 

Because I got up so early yesterday morning, I did end up taking a nap in the afternoon, but I figured it was good for me because I needed a little time out to put my brain to rest. Even if you spend lots of time being quite content, you need a little break to let it all sink in. 

The dog was more than ready for a little snooze and happily settled on the bed with me. I had put clean sheets on the bed, so it was wonderful to get into. 

I'm going to get back into that bed and sleep a while longer. It's not nearly dawn and I don't have to start the day yet. Mornings start later and evenings begin earlier. It is that season of the year. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Stealing the early hours of the morning....

I'm ever so content sitting here rather early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I've got a half way decent day to look forward to and there's not much that can get in the way of my good mood and me, except that it will be raining today. 

Hopefully it will mostly be a drizzle like it was yesterday when it only rarely rained straight forward. I walked the dog in it and we did get wet, but it was no disaster. The dog got mostly damp on the bottom half from the wet grass he walked through. 

Luckily, there weren't any puddles for him to wade through because that's his favorite thing to do. He doesn't care if he gets wet. He's totally indifferent, so I think he must be related to a duck. 

The cat came in last night dappled in rain drops and I was afraid to pet her in case I made it worse. She sat on my lap and slowly dried and by the time I was ready to go to bed her fur was completely dried up again. 

She did very cozily find her warm spot to sleep on the bed. No doubt she had not enjoyed getting wet very much, knowing cats in general. Possibly she had been surprised by a shower while she was out. 

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees and I've already had to sweep the patio once. This turned out to be not too bad of a job and I was done in no time. If I do it once a week I will keep it under control and I won't feel like I'm overwhelmed. 

No doubt, one week the leaves will decide to fall off all at once and I'll have my work cut out for me.

For as cold and dreary as it is now, that's how warm it is going to be tomorrow with temperatures in the 80's. It will call for completely different clothes and I will have to put my cowboy boots back in the closet for a day or so. We've had these odd Saturdays of hot weather off and on.

Some weather god must smile on us during the weekends and feel that we deserve good weather at least then. 

I've done a lot of laundry this week and it amazes me how much of it one person can produce. I'm almost caught up. It's only the capacity of the drying rack that slows me down. 

I change my bed a lot, so I always have a lot of sheets to wash. They take up a lot of space. The outside clothesline is unavailable because of the rain, which is a shame because sun dried sheets smell the best. I imagine I sleep better between them. 

I've got to take my morning dose of medicines and go back to bed for a while. I'm not quite done sleeping yet. No doubt I'll be woken up by the Exfactor when he gets here this morning. I'll have coffee with him and that will leave me time to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A tale before bedtime...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off because I'm drinking ice cold milk and hadn't been smart enough to put my bathrobe on first. It does make a difference if you do and I'm now waiting to start warming up again. 

It isn't really that cold in here, despite the fact that the bedroom windows are open still and that it's an autumn night outside. It was just my body suddenly cooling down after I had sat here quite comfortably in my pajamas for a while drinking coffee. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up with a perspiring head and wet hair. That's a side effect of the medication increase, I know now. I used to think that it was because I was in the menopause, but I think I've got that well behind me.  At my age I should be. I'm not having hot flashes during the day. 

This is the second night that I only took one tranquilizer and if anything, I feel even more normal now. I most definitely don't feel under the influence of anything, although doubtlessly I still am. But what I take now is so little compared to what I used to take that it's bound to make a major difference.

After I had been up in the middle of the night the night before last, I only slept for a while longer and got up fairly early in the morning. I didn't take my usual nap all day and also didn't feel the need to drink a lot of coffee. I was pretty alert all on my own and in a good mood. 

I started fading after dinner yesterday and went to bed early. I had clean sheets on the bed and that was a sheer pleasure. I put my head down on the pillows and pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and was asleep pretty quickly after that.

Now I'm yawning and tired, which I wasn't the night before last. I think I will go to bed shortly and have myself some proper sleep.

I wore my cowboy boots yesterday with my skinny jeans and felt like a regular tough broad. I liked walking the dog and stomping around in them. It made me feel as if I was making a statement. Especially since I was wearing my leather jacket also. Accessories make the woman. 

Have a good day when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying for inspiration in the early morning!

I've had my first cup of coffee and the cobwebs of sleep are removed from my mind. I will have my second cup next, after I first take my medicines, because I almost forgot about them. So, I quickly took them and poured my second cup of coffee and now I'm ready to try and write something interesting and inspiring. 

I think my last post was especially dull, but it was written when I was exceptionally tired and not really in the right frame of mind to write a post. I went to bed immediately afterwards and was sound asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. As a matter of fact, I was dozing off while I was still sitting behind the computer, so that shows you what a silly woman I can be. You shouldn't blog when you are half asleep and pretending you're not. Nothing good will come of it. I am such a stubborn woman sometimes, that I think I can't end the day unless I've written a post. The fact that I may not have anything to say doesn't enter into the equation.

So now is the morning of a busy day, but it is still early and I don't feel rushed yet. I will get excited in about two hours when time will start to press. I must shower and wash my hair again, because it is flattened against my head on one side and I look like I've been slapped upside the head and I'm completely crooked. I must make an appointment with my hairdresser and get my hair cut on the sides and in the back. Not on the top, it is the perfect length there. I'm moving away from punky hair and going for a little bit more sedate look, but one I can still make look unruly and mess around with if I want. 

At least I know which clothes I'm wearing today and because It's going to be a cool day, I'll be wearing my cowboy boots. I've not worn them in a long time and it will be fun to put them on again and step around like a tough broad. Not that I especially feel like one. I haven't got that attitude about me at all. I feel more like a kindly earth mother who is all goodness and graciousness and wouldn't harm a fly. The tranquilizers make me much too mellow to be a broad with an attitude and kick ass boots. Come to think of it, maybe I should wear different boots, so nobody gets the wrong impression. Do you think it will matter or will the benign look on my face speak words? 

I've stopped drinking coffee and am drinking cold orange juice now. It's a special brand that's supposed to be very good and I must say that it tastes better than what I usually get. I could easily drink three or four glasses of it. I got it from my sister who had too much of it and an overloaded refrigerator. I'm buying this brand from now on, because I like it a lot better. See how easily I can be persuaded to switch brands? Just put something better in front of me, that's all it takes. I don't care about the price. It's the taste that matters. I had been drinking my juice rather reluctantly and hardly at all lately. It languished in the refrigerator and only when I almost ran out of milk did I drink it. I thought I just didn't like juice very much.

Well, I must get going. It's that time of the morning. I'm not looking forward to the shower, because it is cold in here and the windows are still open. Still, I must be brave and do it. Then I have to go and walk Tyke before it starts to rain. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

 

Late in the afternoon...

It will be early evening by the time I'm done writing this, but never mind. The title stands.

It's been an unpleasant day and for as good as I felt yesterday, that's how bad I've felt today. A complete opposite situation, in other words. I'm trying the trick with the coffee, but I'm not being very successful so far. I've tried to get my head in a different frame of mind, but I'm not managing it very well. I don't know exactly what the problem is, except that I've lost my happy outlook and I can't find it anywhere and now everything is doom and gloom.

I've tried to keep myself busy with the odd job, but it hasn't helped very much. I even tried to cut my hair, but the scissors were too dull. I don't have a pair of really good ones and must invest in some.

Since the weather is so nice today, I've had to find different clothes to wear and switch my cowboy boots for summer shoes. Tyke thought this was really interesting and followed me around, sniffing my feet and biting my shoes. He's only known me with boots on.

Finding summer clothes wasn't that hard and they still fit me. That's always a relief. It means that I can't wear my scarves any more and I'll miss them, but I can wear necklaces. I've had to take off the silver rings as my fingers were starting to itch, so now I'm not wearing any, which is fine. I'm undefined and plain old hands are okay too.

I'm still wearing leggings under my skirt, as I don't want to show my bare legs yet. It's a little bit too early in the season for that. Besides, they lack colour and are as white as milk bottles. Somehow I have to get them tanned a bit. I may have to sit in my sister's garden and figure out a way to stand sitting in the sun. It's not my favourite thing to do. I used to sit on the beach in California, but that was when I was young and ignorant about skin cancer.

I just finished a cup of coffee, but I'm awfully tired. I need to go take Tyke for a walk, but I think after that I will go to sleep. That seems like the most wonderful idea right now and completely like what I need.

It's just a short post, but it will have to do. I can't always be long winded.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Awake again...

I slept for 5 hours and then I was awake again. I checked and double checked, but I really was. Those sleeping pills don't work for more than 4 hours, so I was lucky that I slept the extra hour. The first thing I did was make myself a cup of coffee. A mug, actually, and then I installed myself behind the computer to check my emails.

However, Tyke had other ideas and wanted to be walked, so I had to get dressed and take him for a spin around the field. The weather was lovely outside and I didn't need my jacket. I am still wearing my cowboy boots, though, but I think it's time I start looking at my summer shoes. At least if it keeps being this nice out. My little toe will be very relieved to have the pressure taken off it, especially if I wear sandals. I can't imagine not constantly wearing socks after all these months and hardly know what my feet look like. As long as I've still got 5 toes on each foot it will be all right.

Tyke is very happily ripping apart an old leather case that I wasn't using for anything any more. He does manage to find the most interesting things to play with and I constantly have to pick up all the little bits and pieces. He has no concept of what is a toy and what is not. Anything that is leather or plastic or paper is good for him, as long as he can rip it apart. I suppose he's practising ripping his prey apart. Oh, now he's got an empty cat food box out of the paper box. I wonder how he's going to handle that? He does have a very happy life. It's the little things that make it so.

Gandhi keeps trying to sit on my lap when I sit behind the computer, but she walks on the keyboard when she does, so I don't want her here. It's a repeat performance every time, though, and she doesn't give up trying, no matter how often I pick her up and set her on the dining table. It's great to be adored so, but the timing is all wrong. Of course, she likes everyone and will climb on any lap available. All she requires is comfort and love and she gets that by being a sweetheart.

Tyke's shredded that box in 5 minutes flat. It's unrecognisable now. I asked him, "Did you do that, did you make that mess?" and he very proudly wagged his tail. I told him. "You have to clean it up now too," but he acted like I was speaking in a foreign language. I can just see him now, picking up all those little pieces of cardboard and putting them into the trash. That would be the day. I'm afraid it's up to me to get it cleaned up. I pay the price for his pleasures. The things I do for that dog!

I just got my second mug of coffee. I moved up the spout of the Senseo machine and now it has stopped leaking, so I will keep it at that height. It's starting to be a machine with an instruction booklet, beside the one it came with, and it's showing signs of ageing. It does get used an awful lot, but still I'm just one person. I always want equipment to outlast me, but I don't realize that it doesn't and that I have to be ready for the day to replace it. I'm going to knock on wood and hope everything lasts for a while.

I'm going to take my medicines in a while and lie down on the sofa with my book. I think I can sleep a little bit more. Oh yes, I do have to clean up that mess first. I have to look on my bookcase and see if I have another book by Carol Shields. If not I have to get ready to pick out another book for my next read and order a new book by her at Bol.com. I do have to allow myself some little pleasures once in a while. A new paperback there is not expensive and doesn't break the budget.

All right then, off I go. I must make my day as pleasurable as possible. Reading and sleeping are nice ways to spend the time. So is blogging, of course, and I will do a lot of that this weekend. I will get through it in the best possible way. So far, so good.

Have a wonderful day. I will here, the sun is shining after all, though I wouldn't mind a little rain shower.

Ciao,

Nora

Music to write by.

The Exfactor came and looked at my speaker problem and realized immediately that I needed a power cable to make them work, which is something that I had suspected also, but I did not know what it looked like or where to plug it in. The problem was solved almost right away, though we had some problem finding the right place to plug the cable into, but we managed that in the end too, and voilá, music! Ella Fitzgeralds lovely voice came pouring out of the speakers. I knew the Exfactor would solve my problem and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot from him.

In my spare time I've been adding to my playlist of popular music with such people as Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash and Sammy Davis Jr and Elvis Presley (all of his old stuff). See, I was born in the wrong era. This time I have no modern music. Oh, and I have Buddy Holly too. I'm just going to pretend it's sometime in the fifties and early sixties and that I was a grown up then who hung out in cocktail bars and smoked cigarettes from a long elegant cigarette holder and who men bought interesting cocktails for. I probably never would have gotten into the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Not that I ever did, really. I liked classical music.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he was genuinely pleased for me that things were going so well. I sat there quite perky and alert and I don't think he has ever seen me like that. Usually I was this slow and morose woman who was very serious. I wasn't being frivolous now, but much more light hearted and uncomplicated. I'm feeling so much better now and he said that I should feel the complete effect of the Welbutrin in another 2 weeks, so I've got something to look forward to.

I'm going to start reducing the rest of my old medication next week with little increments at the time, so that I will not have any problems with it. I shouldn't have withdrawal problems, but really, after that enormous reduction I did at the beginning and the one day of enormous withdrawal symptoms I had from that, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Nothing will ever be as bad as that, and it only lasted for one day. I'm assuming a lot, aren't I? I'm either very optimistic or very naive. I'll just assume the best case scenario.

I had a cup of coffee there, but it must have been a very weak one, because I'm yawning something awful and will be forced to make my own cup. That will bring the total up to 4 cups for today, which is not too bad. It is within reason. I like the fact that I'm tired, because I'll go to bed early tonight and fall asleep quickly and hopefully sleep late in the morning. Sleep is a many splendored thing. You can guess who I'm listening to now, can't you? Music used to be overly romantic. It was not at all good for people. It gave them the completely wrong idea about love. Especially those of us who were very impressionable. Ahum!

There, I just took Tyke for a walk and it wasn't even cold out, 13C. That feels like warm weather to us. Tomorrow it's going to be very warm, 19C. Can you believe it? It's fine, as long as I get to keep wearing my cowboy boots. I'll wear them even if the sparrows fall from the roof because of the heat, as the saying goes.

Today, in the waiting room, I saw a woman who used to be in my therapy classes with me and I was so glad to see her, because I really liked her a lot. Now I have to find her email address that I have around here somewhere, because we only had a short time to talk. It was so nice to see her friendly face and I realized how much I had missed seeing her. We used to have intense conversations during the coffee breaks. She reads this blog off and on, so I hope she leaves me a comment so I can contact her.

Well, okay people, that's all my rambling for right now. You probably won't hear from me again tonight, because I'll go to sleep early, in my clean apartment, in my clean bed, with squeeky clean hair.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Yawning!

Although I'm sitting here with tears running down my face from all the yawning that I'm doing, I don't want the evening to end yet, because it is quite early still, so I have made myself a cup of coffee and I'm drinking that to keep myself going for a little while longer, although it's possible that it's not going to work at all and that I will be forced to go to bed anyway.

In the meantime I'm helping Gandhi escape from the enthusiasm of Tyke and getting her to jump on the dining table, where I had put a folded up blanket, which Tyke has pulled off and is now in the process of "killing." It is Jesker's old blanket, but I have a better one for Gandhi to lie on and we will get the better of Tyke yet. I do have to pick sides and Gandhi needs more help. Tyke is quite capable of looking after himself.

I was rudely interrupted while writing this by many emails that needed answering, and as usual I took my time doing that, so now it's much later and I've gotten my second wind. I'm suddenly awake again and ready for an intellectual challenge. I don't know if that includes writing this post, but I guess I can make it as challenging for myself as I want. Notwithstanding the fact that I'm typing this without the spell check and I can't use any really difficult words, because I would have to look them up in the dictionary and that would stop the natural flow of words.

I do try to write as quickly as the sentences enter my head and sometimes I'm on a roll, although I do have periods of non-activity when nothing comes and I'm distracted. I've been that way my whole life and it caused me some trouble in primary school when I was distracted a lot, in other words, I day dreamed and I still have the tendency to do that now. I call it constructive day dreaming, because I think of things that matter and come up with solutions to odd little problems I'm faced with. It seems that being occupied in one activity stimulates my brain to be active in other areas as well. I suppose I am a multiple use appliance, handy to have around the house.

I did my taxes this afternoon on line and it turned out to be quite painless, because part of the information was already filled in and what I had to fill in was very simple and each question that I had to answer came with an explanation so I would understand the question and if it applied to me. Luckily, my financial situation is very simple and clear cut. There were no complications. It's probably the easiest tax form that I ever filled out, because I was unmarried for all of last year. I'm going to remember how simple this was, so I won't procrastinate next year.

I had Iron Nora do the taxes, she's much more capable than I am and not the least bit intimidated. That woman is handy to have around and my blogging friend Babaloo reminded me to pull her out of the closet for jobs like this that are tougher than the ordinary daily tasks that I'm normally faced with, but I think I can pull her out of the closet whenever I get timid. I'm regularly intimidated by something and I can use a tough woman at moments like that. Especially now that I'm wearing cowboy boots that strengthen my image a great deal.

I have been wearing my brown leather jacket for warmth, but the weather is getting better now and I think I can start wearing my black leather jacket with the zippers and the buttons, which is very cool. It was the first leather jacket I bought and I felt like quite a hip chick when I wore it out of the store. I can wear my green scarf with it, which is an upgrade from the blue and black scarf I've been wearing with my brown leather jacket and that used to belong to my mother, so it is very old and it also needs to go into the laundry. The black leather jacket is best worn open, but it's not quite warm enough for that yet, although tomorrow it's going to be an incredible 17 degrees Celsius. That's practically balmy and real spring weather. I can hardly believe my eyes reading that forecast. I'll wear my jacket open with my green scarf around my neck.

I had three chores to do today and I did them all, except that I didn't quite finish the last one and then, as it got later in the day, I excused myself from that one and will add it to the chores I will have to do tomorrow. I will have to do three of them tomorrow and maybe four if I'm really gutsy and honest. I don't write them down, as I know exactly what they are and I don't forget them. They are lasered into my brain. Three chores aren't that many to remember. Carrying them out is, because I reach a certain time of the day when I excuse myself from doing work and I only get to play, as if I have a regular paid job.

Actually, my excuse is that I try to keep the stress out of my life, but I think I should test that theory and see if it still applies. If I start doing more than three chores, I will have to start making lists or make the stuff up as I go along. There are always things to do here. I will have must do and can do chores and do the must do chores first. I will have to forego some time on the computer, because it distracts me hugely and is always beckoning me to turn it on.

I reinstalled Windows Vista the other day, because it was acting funny, and as a result I got more space on my hard disk and it also kept all the things I had installed and downloaded myself, even though it said it would put those things separately on the hard disk. I did a complete reinstallment, not an upgrade. I thought it was wonderful and apparently it got rid of some unnecessary junk. Windows Vista is okay, but very often it is murmuring to itself, doing unknown things on line that aren't apparent and it has many updates. I don't know why such a big deal was made out of it. The email program is good, but it should be. Would you expect anything less?

It's late now and I should go to bed, but I'm enjoying myself here. I'll run out of things to do, though, and be forced to close shop. I'll go put the clean sheets on the bed. That was the part of the third job that I had not finished. I want to sleep in a clean, good smelling bed tonight. That will be a treat to me.

Goodnight, dear all. I'll see you all tomorrow, very late in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora