Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Cheerfulness at midnight...

I'm in a cheerful mood as I sit here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee warmly ensconced in my bathrobe. That's good news because I went to bed last night in a not so good mood and with a headache for which I took a paracetamol. I dreaded the thought that my mood was going to go downhill and decided that sleep was the best solution for it. I was right and now I feel much better. I have sparks of hope all over the place. The world is my oyster again. 

So, it's with some amount of cheer that I sit here and write this post. I can take my time doing it too because it doesn't matter what time I go to bed. Tomorrow I have no appointments in the morning and I can be as lazy as I want to be, bar the fact that the dog will have to be walked at one point. I do so like being in charge of my own day, at least the mornings when I can get started at my own speed and not have to rush. 

I did something kind for myself yesterday and signed up with Glossy I will start receiving a pretty box once a month filled with five beauty products especially selected for me and every box will have a different content. These include skin and hair products and perfumes. I think it will be fun to await the arrival of each box. It will be like Santa Claus comes to the house once a month.

My first Glossy Box will get here in January and I will write a review about it in a post so you will know what sort of things I received. Frankly, I can't wait. I'm curious enough to want to try different products and it's being surprised that appeals to me so. I will be like a kid in a candy store. That's the kindness I will allow myself once a month. I do need something fun to look forward to. The regime can't be all stark and rigid. 

Glossy Boxes are available in other countries so you can check for them where you live. 

To tell you the truth, I like anything that makes me pay attention to the fact that I'm female and allows me to fuss over myself because I have a tendency to neglect that area of my life. Oh, I do pay attention to how I dress, but I don't mess around with beauty products enough and my skin and hair could use some taking care of. I don't nearly spend enough time on them. I have dry skin that could use some help and my hair is fly away and could use some volume. Hopefully there will be some things in those boxes that will help.

I find you always have to make your life interesting. If it doesn't come from the outside, you have to make it happen yourself in the most imaginable ways. I'm already thinking that there should be a glossy box for under garments and I wonder if such a thing exists. I would sign up for it immediately. Just think of all the cute and sexy things you could get. That is for those of us who fit in our bras properly. 

I am going to check and see if there are more ways to make my life interesting that don't cost an arm and a leg. I am on a budget, after all. The thing is, to make your life as pleasurable as possible because things are dire enough nowadays as they are. The way the economy is turning just makes you want to bury your head in the sand and that's no solution. You have to be able to try and afford something special and you can't wait for someone else to do it for you. 

You have to be your own best friend. That's the one thing I learned about living on my own. That's not to sit around and wait for someone else to make my happiness for me because it will never happen. It's mostly in my own hands. Unless you specifically ask someone for something, nobody will be able to read your mind and know what it is you desire. People don't spend their time wondering what your needs are. That's not how the world works. You have to take care of that yourself. 

Well, after so much armchair wisdom, I guess I'll bring an end to this post. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and will have to find a way to amuse myself for a while. I will drink some cold milk to get myself in another frame of mind. It will give my stomach something to do too. There's always some entertainment in the middle of the night. 


Monday, November 28, 2011

Monday morning and ready to go...

It's early in the morning and I suppose you could say that I've had enough sleep. I sort of slept through the night in my own peculiar way. It wasn't quite as perfect as I would have liked it to be, but it came close. I'm more than wide awake now anyway and I've had my first cup of coffee. No doubt that helped me get in this cheerful state. 

It's Monday and I'm ready to start the week. I've had a fairly decent weekend, but I'm glad it's over. I'm always more than ready for the weekend to start, but I'm also always more than ready for Monday to come around. I guess that's not half bad because it means I look forward to both and enjoy the weekend as well as the weekdays. That's been different in the past when I preferred one over the other. 

I had an unexpected outing yesterday when I went to Ikea with my sister and her friend. It was fun to walk around there, but I didn't have much time to dawdle as they were there for a specific reason. We went through the store rather quicker than I would have liked. Still, I got to hang out in the kitchen department for a while and pick out a few things that I needed. 

After we had paid for our purchases, I had a milkshake and it was delicious. I had not had a milkshake in I don't know how many years and suddenly I craved one. I didn't know how my stomach was going to react to it, but it turned out not to be a problem at all. Now I've got milkshakes on my mind and would love to have another one. It's a good thing that this is not possible because I would gain much weight consuming them. 

The weather was atrocious. There was rain and a cold wind and I said to my sister, "Why did our ancestors have to settle in this country anyway?" She took me quite literally and started to explain why. This was when we were exposed to the elements on the upper deck of the parking garage. Not the best timing for it, of course. 

My sister bickers with her friend quite a bit and tries to impose her will on him a lot. Unless he keeps accepting this, I don't see how their relationship is going to have a long and healthy life. It gets on my nerves a lot and I find it hard to be around. I don't think I will be making outings with them like that again.  If I do, I'm going to have to say something about it. I may do that anyway.

I mustn't let that spoil my mood. I'm just finishing my second cup of coffee and I'm about to have a glass of mild orange juice. That will be a real thirst quencher. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and get this place cleaned up. I've got just a few chores to do. 

I've just started yawning and now I'm worried that I'm still sleepy. I don't want to go back to bed because I've got too much to do before the first person shows up. I'll probably end up making more coffee and try to last that way. It's one way to get through the morning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Sunday, November 27, 2011

But I was only having a craving, officer...

If I could, I would hurry quickly to the nearest open store and buy me a liter of vanilla ice cream and consume it all at once. That's how bad my craving for it is right now. It would have to be real vanilla ice cream, though, and not the imitation stuff they sell nowadays. I would want the ice cream that was sold in my childhood and that was creamy and very good tasting. That's what I really crave. 

If I really can be honest, I'd have to say that I crave a big banana split, but I probably could not finish it, so I'd have to make it a tasty strawberry sundae instead with lots of whipped cream on top. If I'm going to fantasize, I'm going to do it right. I can see myself eating it in my mind's eye and I'm enjoying it a lot. Instead, I will have a tall glass of ice cold milk and that will have to do to take care of my wishful thinking. 

It usually works. The coldness is enough to fool my taste buds into thinking that they've had something delicious and the milk keeps my stomach occupied with its loud rumbles and burps. It's also a question of mind over matter and not giving into silly foolishness and wishful thinking. You can't have everything your heart desires and cravings do disappear again. 

There's also such a thing as regret when you've inhaled a liter of ice cream in one sitting. Ice cream melts so smoothly in your mouth and it goes down easily. Too easily. That's why you can eat so much of it all at once. 

Enough on that subject. I've indulged in it more than is necessary. I've given it more than enough of my precious attention. It shouldn't get that much valuable space. It just goes to show you what a feeble human being I can be, but how smart it is of me not to have certain foods in the house at all. It's best never to put anything on the shopping list that I will hopelessly indulge in and feel shamefully guilty about afterwards. 

But I'm having cold milk now and it is already taking care of whatever I thought I so desperately needed. In a little while I will have forgotten all about that. It's also putting my head in a different gear which is pleasant. I think the coffee had me just a little bit too excited. The milk is a nice change of pace and it's calming me down. You wouldn't think that about such an innocent beverage, but it really does. And it's an innocent reaction, after all. 

So the caffeine is good for making me alert, but the milk is good for making me mellow. And now I've got to think what to do with that mellowness. I think I will be up for a while. It's early in the night still and I have more than enough time to go back to bed. It is Sunday, so it isn't important how quickly I get started in the morning.

I hope you're all having a good night. 


Saturday, November 26, 2011

At the danger of writing another dull post...

I'm a person who does learn her lessons the hard way and after writing a very dull post yesterday, I put myself in danger of writing another by trying to improve on it tonight. There are, of course, no guarantees and it is possible that I will hopelessly fail in my mission. That will be a double whammy then and I will never live it down. But I've got to take the chance because I can't live with the thought of failure. 

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is giving me, you could say, Dutch courage, although there is no alcohol in it. I'm not so foolish as to try that because, although it would loosen me up tremendously, it would also make me drunk and I certainly don't feel like being it. By all rights I should have a couple of beers, but I don't happen to have any and that's probably for the best. I don't like the after effects. 

I woke up with my T-shirt drenched in sweat and stood outside by the back door on the patio in order to cool off. The cold night air quickly did that while the dog went about his business. I could have stayed out there a while longer and really have gotten chilled to the point that I would have needed my bathrobe, but I'm still sitting here without it now. I'm radiating warmth and it's not cold in the apartment either. I must be having post menopausal hot flashes. 

The best thing to do now is have a glass of ice cold milk because it will not only freeze my frontal lobes, but also cool down my body. It's guaranteed to work. The coffee has straightened out my mind sufficiently and I can think clearly. It's nice to mess with my head and muddle it up with the coldness of the milk. It never ceases to effect me and give me a different experience. 

I wore two different outfits yesterday because I was not satisfied with what I was wearing initially. I delved into my closet and found something completely different, although I don't know why I bother because hardly anyone sees me. I must be practicing for a very active social life. The second outfit was put together of old and new elements and pleased me very much. I could have gone out on a date if I had wanted to, but I looked good enough to make myself happy. 

I'm waiting for my hair to grow back in so I can go to the hairdresser. I think I cut my bangs a little bit too short. I will have to wait a couple of weeks for them to catch up with the rest of my hair. It's very easy hair that I've got now and I hardly have to do anything to it when I get up. Isn't that what every woman wants? I just look a little bit too much like a hedgehog and I didn't want to look quite that cute. I do want to be taken seriously. I am, after all, a grown woman.

I can't go on the bathroom scale and trust the result it gives me. It is much too high and then tells me that it's an error, which I totally agree with. I think the battery is low and will have to be replaced. It's one of those complicated scales that wants to tell you everything including your date of birth when all I want to know is my weight. 

I don't know that right now, so I can only go by how my clothes fit me to know how well I'm doing. My skinniest jeans are a little big. I wash them regularly to shrink them, but as I wear them, they slide down my hips again. I do have hope, but I don't want all my clothes to get too big on me because I like them well enough and I don't have the money to replace them. I must make do with what I have. Does that seem like an odd sort of reasoning? 

I'm sufficiently cooled off now and have put on my bathrobe. I stood out by the back door again because the dog imagined that he had to go out again. I don't think he actually did anything there. I'm having another glass of cold milk because the first one tasted so good. The night can last a long time for all I care. It's very cozy here by the light of the desk lamp.

I will have to go to bed shortly because I do need more sleep, but I can sleep late in the morning. It's Saturday, after all. It's not going to be a warm day and I may not have the proper outfit for the cold, but I'll be tough and withstand it anyway. I do have to be a tough Northern European. At least I'm not in Scandinavia where it's snowing. 

I don't now if I've achieved my goal and managed not to write a dull post, but there you have it. It is a long one anyway. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing it. There has to be some satisfaction in that also. 


Friday, November 25, 2011

Better get it straight from the beginning...

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep. 

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me. 

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry. 

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 


Thursday, November 24, 2011


It's about time I write something sensible here, although I'm not sure I'm capable of it. I'm in a good enough mood, that's not the problem. I just may be short of sensible things to write about. I will have to delve deep within myself and see if I can come up with something. If not, this will turn out to be a lot of nonsense. That may have its attractions also, of course. We will see. 

Yesterday I had on a pair of nice lacy leggings that didn't have tight enough elastic in them. Any time I did any sort of walking, the leggings almost ended up on my knees. I kept having to hitch them up in a very unladylike fashion. That looked ridiculous, of course. I couldn't really go out in them, although they looked nice when they were up. I've got to tighten the elastic in them today or throw them out and they are new too. So much for the mishaps. 

Other than that it was an ordinary sort of dull day. It rained on and off, but I didn't mind that one bit. It fit my mood, which was sort of one in which I wanted to hibernate and do cozy things like sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel. The dog decided otherwise and wanted me to concentrate on him and the tennis ball instead. So I tossed it a lot at the danger of hitting fragile pieces of wall decorations. All went well except for how often I had to retrieve the ball out from underneath the sofa.

I had on a mini dress and felt like a young woman. I decided not to look in the mirror to shatter the illusion. It's best not to see your own reflection when you think you look especially good. I'm very good at avoiding looking in mirrors. I just refuse to acknowledge their existence and pretend they are not there. It's best to live in denial and not to be aware of your less pretty bits. They don't need close scrutiny. A glimpse from the distance every so often is more than enough. That's one way to deal with vanity. 

Today threatens to be another dull day that I will have to give meaning to to the best of my abilities. I'm sure I will pull it off like I always do, one way or the other. I do somehow find satisfaction in my own company providing I'm in a good mood and I've had enough sleep. I don't think I'll have to worry about that today. I'm going back to bed as soon as I'm done writing this and I will try to sleep late. That's the best way to get through the dull morning when there's nothing to do. I prefer the afternoons when the sun shines through the living room windows. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and, besides freezing my brain, it will hopefully also make me very cheerful. Cold milk does have the tendency to do that. It's also making me burp, but those are the usual sound effects.

I should go back to bed now. The duvet is calling my name. I'm taking my medicines first. It is that time of the morning again. I hope you'll all have a good day. 


Monday, November 21, 2011

Singlehandedly lucid...

I've downed my first cup of coffee as quickly as I could and now I'm drinking the second one at a more normal rate. I wanted to inhale the first one quickly so as to become clearheaded as soon as I could. I was slightly discombobulated when I got up and not completely in charge of all my faculties. Yet compelled to stay up I was anyway after having gone to the toilet and having let the dog out back. 

The cold night air did help a bit and it was great to stand by the back door in my pajamas. I purposely stood with the door wide open so I would get extra chilled. It was all the more pleasant to put my bathrobe on afterwards. But it's the coffee that's really waking me up as usual. The caffeine cleared all the cobwebs from my mind. 

For a change I made the coffee somewhat strong again and I must say that I appreciate the punch it's carrying. It's like having someone rattle your brain in a very pleasant but assertive way. I had forgotten that about strong coffee. I'm almost instantly carried to a higher plane by the caffeine. It's elevating my thinking capacities and putting me in a good mood. 

Actually, my mood was good enough when I woke up. It's not that I got up on the wrong side of the bed. I very seldom do that anymore. Mostly I'm a mild mannered woman when I wake up. Only rarely do I feel grumpy and that's easily remedied. I'm not the volatile woman I used to be, full of emotions and always on a roller coaster. I seldom take that ride anymore and if I do get on it, I get off as quickly as I can. 

But a contented person is a boring person and that's probably why these posts are not so very interesting anymore. I very seldom have anything earth shattering to report. I don't run into huge problems and don't on a daily basis spill all the beans like I used to. I feel that I mostly write for my own sake to keep a daily record of what I do. It's like writing in a diary and every once in a while I can look back on the days that have passed. 

The weekend went by very quickly and I hardly know where the time went. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but the hours sped by. I did the odd chore, walked the dog, took some naps and that was about it. I didn't even read like I had planned to. All I did was enjoy some 'Far Side' cartoons. I have a collection of them. I look at them every now and then and am always amused. They put an evil grin on my face. 

I'm glad it is Monday now and the week will be properly started. I'm ready for some action. The days of being lazy are over. But first I've got to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. The night's not nearly over yet, even though I'm already prepared to start the day. It's a little premature I think. 

I hope you're all sleeping tightly.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Aiming for homeruns...

I slept very deep and soundly until I woke up because I had to go to the toilet. Much to my consternation, but not surprisingly, I turned out to be quite awake after that and the dog had to go out back for a piddle. The cold air got rid of whatever remainder of sleep was left in my head and I had to put on my bathrobe to get warm again. Coffee was quickly made and a cup easily downed. That almost completed the waking up process.

I'm working on my third cup now and have finished what was in the pot, yet I'm still yawning. Those must be the last vestiges of sleep I have in me and that stubbornly hang on. At least I'm not yawning as severely and dangerously as when I first got up. It is abating a bit now. I also don't have tears running down my face like I sometimes do. Everything is under control. After this last cup of coffee I will be right as rain. The caffeine will have caught up with me. 

It's with some amount of joy that I sit here and realize that today is Sunday. It will officially be my day off and I have done most of my chores yesterday. I only have a small stack of mail to look through, but there shouldn't be any surprises in it. I don't expect any bills. It is all innocuous mail that's easily dealt with. I no longer have the fear of mail that I used to have and I empty the mailbox almost every day. As a rule, half the time there's nothing really important in it and sometimes there's a nice surprise. Yes, those do exist too. 

I will dress up in my finest and pretend I have some place special to go to. You never know when the queen will summon me to have a cup of tea with her. There will be cultural programs on TV and speed skating from Russia. The weather should be good and I will take the dog for a longer walk, providing he co-operates and doesn't stubbornly stop at every tree and bush and blade of grass. My patience does wear thin after a while. I'm not the angelic figure I pretend to be. 

I have not made good yet my intention to pick out a novel from the bookcase. It quite frankly slipped my mind, showing you that reading doesn't take a high priority on my list of things to do. I must not have the right mind set. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching inane programs on TV. That's how lazy I get. I even like how irritated I get with them and find myself making negative remarks about them out loud. That must serve a purpose somehow. It probably makes me feel superior. I really do need to read a good book. A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must get back to bed. It's time to get the rest of my sleep under the comfortable duvet. The next time I'm up, it will be morning and the sun will be up too. Hopefully, the day will be bright and full of promise. 


Saturday, November 19, 2011


I'm ever so cozily sat here in the semi darkness with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in my warm red bathrobe. It isn't really chilly in here, but I pretend it is the middle of the winter and that I have to guard myself against the arctic cold. I haven't even got the heater on, but I'm wearing my socks. It's like I'm having a big old adventure all by myself in the middle of the night. A person does have to use her fantasy on occasion and make life more interesting than it is. 

Luckily, there isn't a huge snowstorm raging outside because in reality that would not make me happy at all. I'm sure I'm not ready for it. It's okay to imagine it, but to actually have to deal with it is another matter. It's very mild outside and has been for the time of year. Actually, we're having a bit of a drought and the water level in the rivers is low. We haven't had enough rain over the last weeks and for the next little while, there is no rain in the forecast.

It's been a pleasure to take the dog out for walks as I haven't had to dress really warm. There's been sunshine every day, although it's not all that strong. There's no wind to speak of, so that makes it very pleasant. The dog is oblivious of the weather and his fur is growing back in. Before it gets really cold, he should be warm enough again. He hasn't been doing any shivering lately.

He does gallivant around and keeps me in shape. We walk at a steady pace along familiar grounds and make our regular stops. I find this is better than taking a new route. A new route means nothing but non stop sniffing and raising his leg and we never get anywhere. It takes us forever to get home again. I have to be endlessly patient and wait while he minutely investigates every unexplored spot. You can imagine there are many when you are on new terrain. 

I'm a bit bronchial and have been coughing. This has caused me to have inflammation of the cartilage where my ribs meet my sternum. It's on the left side and hurts when I breathe and cough and use my left arm. I didn't have to go to the doctor to get this diagnosis as I have had this before. I'm taking Ibuprofen for it and hope to get some relief that way. There's not much else that can be done for it. Yes, cortisone shots, but I'm not much in the mood for them.

The glass is always half full and my right side doesn't hurt, so that is good. I can take cough medicine and may even have some in the kitchen cabinet. I'll have to have a look. There's an herbal one that works well and I may have some of that. I can also get some A. Vogel Echinaforce as that's supposed to be good for your resistance and there's probably some good cough medicine from that brand too. I will ask the Exfactor to get me some. A. Vogel has a good reputation. The medicines are made from plant and herbal extracts and are available in a good drugstore. 

The night does move on and it's time to go to bed again. It's the lure of my new duvet that makes it such a pleasure to want to go. Besides, I'm slightly sick and do need my sleep. It's only smart if I go back to bed now. It's tough to be sensible, but somebody has to be. 


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Levity and lightness...

I trimmed my own bangs last night because they were too long when as usual I brushed them to the side and fixed them into place with hairspray. I slightly looked like Adolf Hitler. I cut them quite a bit shorter and like this perkier look. Now I look more like a little cute hedgehog. One you may want to cuddle despite her spines. I could easily appear in an animated film. Meryl Streep could do the voice over in a Dutch accent. She's good at accents.

My hair is easier to manage now and it will be easier to wash and dry and get in place too. It gets unruly quickly and always makes me think I need to get a haircut. Now I won't have to go to the hairdresser for a while. Not that I don't enjoy going. I also still need to get the silver shampoo to wash it with. Not that my hair isn't naturally light. I just want it to pick up the highlights so it will look lively. It's got a lot of gray in it, but it looks blond. That's my luck. 

I have to go to the drugstore anyway and pick up some things. I want to see what sort of deodorant is on sale and if I can find a decent perfume for a good price. I have been out of it for quite a while now and I do miss the scent on my clothes. I did have some samples, but they were of expensive perfumes and I won't be buying them. I do wish I believed in Santa Claus and his bottomless bag of goodies. Wouldn't it be nice to be a kid and make a wish list? I think I do need a sugar daddy. 

Since today is Thursday, it means it's a free day and I don't have to get up on time. It does mean that I have to get up whenever the dog needs to go out because I can't neglect him. I'm not concerned about the day ahead and being able to fill it. Things will take care of themselves. I'm going to look on the bookcase for a good novel to read. It's about time that I try out the reading part of my varifocal glasses extensively. Hopefully that will be the pleasure I expect it to be.

I have to go back to bed, much to my regret. It is moving toward morning and I do want to get the rest of my sleep. I've dawdled long enough here. I tell myself to look forward to the remainder of my time in bed, but I'm not convinced yet. I'll have to remind myself of how nice and warm the duvet is. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

No dramas and no punchlines...

It's the end of the afternoon and the sun is setting. Much to my amazement, the day is already done. It went by very quickly or should I say, it is getting dark very soon? There is still a long evening ahead of me and I've got to try and entertain myself as well as possible. I will do the dishes in a little while. That ought to keep me out of trouble. I've also got to fold and put away the laundry.

Actually, the day did go by quickly, although I really didn't do that many things. I did sleep until the last minute before I had to go see my therapist. I had forgotten to set the alarm clock, but I woke up on time on my own. That was a lucky thing. You get charged nowadays for every appointment that you miss. 

I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up the medicine that I was short of. I thought maybe it had been forgotten, but it was there and I could take it home with me straight away. Even with my glasses on I don't have to say who I am. I do get recognized. I wonder why that is? I don't go in there that often. I mostly have my medicines delivered at home. There must be some feature in my face that's very recognizable. I hope it's not my nose.

The front tire of my bike was awfully low of air and I pumped it up. I hope it will stay pumped up, otherwise it will have to be patched. There's always glass on the road somewhere and although I try to avoid it, it's not always possible to get around the little splinters. Those are just the kind of things that get into your tire and cause a slow leak. The Exfactor will patch it, but I hate to ask him. He already does me enough favors.

I wore my winter sweater today. It is a little big on me but very comfortable. It is the only true winter sweater that I have. The rest of the time I wear layers. I think this ought to motivate me to knit a sweater and I'm giving it some serious thought. Of course, it would help if I could read a pattern, so I'm going to need some help. I already have a half baked scheme in my head. I will follow up on this over the next few weeks. Watch this space for further developments. 

I've got to fix some dinner. My body needs to get fed too. I can't just feed my soul. If it were that easy, I would live on air and coffee. I practically do now anyway. I love how empty my stomach feels sometimes. So flat and skinny. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cups of coffee and animals...

It's with some amount of relief that I sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette after having woken up from my afternoon nap. There was the possibility that I was going to be grouchy but luckily, I'm not. I was in a good enough mood right away and the coffee only helped me become more so. Sometimes things do turn out just right.

I usually have no idea what determines if I'm going to be in a good enough mood when I wake up from my naps. It all seems to be up to chance and if I got out on the right side of the bed. It seems to be more a matter of fate than anything else. I have no idea how much I can do about it myself and if I'm at all able to change that. 

I do know that I usually have to make a cup of coffee and that it's going to alter whatever mood I've got in a positive sense. Caffeine always works to my advantage. When in doubt about anything, have a cup of coffee. It will set straight whatever is wrong. And smoke a cigarette, unless you've kicked that habit already. 

I doubt I'll ever get off the caffeine or even want to. It serves its function so well for me. I'd be mad to stop drinking it, although I drink less of it now than I used to. When I still had my Senseo machine I drank many cups more. It was an addictive habit. I loved that creamy coffee and a cup was quickly made.

I can't go out in the cold night air at the moment because I'm waiting for a package to arrive. I don't know when that will be but I'll have to walk the dog later. He's still happily snoozing in the armchair, so he's okay for now. 

Both the animals have been treated for fleas and they've both stopped scratching. That flea repellent I got from the vet is powerful stuff.

The cat hardly protested. The Exfactor only had to hold her gently while I applied the flea drops. She really didn't react to it and went back to sleep afterwards as if nothing had happened. It should always be this easy. For some reason I thought it was going to be much harder than this. I have to treat them again next month. 

The dog located his tennis ball this afternoon. It was stuck underneath a storage unit in the spare bedroom. He was so happy to have it again. He hasn't lost track of it yet. It had been lost for quite a while and I had not thought of looking for it there. I thought it was just about time to get some new ones but the problem has been solved. 

Now, of course, I'll have to play many games of fetch. I'm in the perfect chair for it because I'm in a direct line to the bedroom. 

Have a good evening.


Monday, November 14, 2011

A day in the life...

It's probably not such a good idea to try to write a post when you don't have much of a story to tell. The result could be a very boring account of your day. Still, it's worth a try and maybe something good will come of it. 

I have the urge to write anyway and I can always hit the delete button when I think it's all a bunch of nonsense that I've written. I've hit the delete button many times before. I think lately I delete more than I publish. 

In some ways it's been an enervating day, but things happened with other people that I can't share yet. I've been sworn to secrecy and they are stories that I have to keep to myself. Maybe I'll be able to tell you about them later. Let's just say that my day was interesting and gave me food for thought. 

I also had to go to the vet to get flea repellent for the cat and the dog. The cat had gotten into a fight with another neighborhood cat and had gotten wounded and fleas at the same time. Her wounds have almost healed, but she shared the fleas with the dog. 

I've treated the dog, that was no problem, but I'm going to need the Exfactor's help tomorrow to treat the cat. I can't do her singlehandedly because she will put up a fight. I know this from past experience. She thinks anything like that is scary and weird. 

Whereas the dog doesn't bat an eye. He's already stopped scratching. It's like he knows the treatment is to his benefit and he stands perfectly still, even without a reward. I forget how awfully good he can be at times. He can be the most obedient dog when he puts his mind to it. 

I've been doing laundry non stop. That's because I put the new duvet on my bed and changed the sheets also. I washed the old duvet and will keep it as a spare. I was fortunate in that I could hang it outside to dry because today the sun was shining. 

It was not a strong sun and it was kind of cold outside, but at least it was a cheerful day. Laundry doesn't dry well under these conditions. It does better inside on the clothes rack with the heater on. The sheets and pillowcases do dry very quickly. 

I still have the windows open for a large part of the day, but by the middle of the afternoon I get cold. Even with an extra cardigan on I shiver and I close the windows and turn on the heater. I luxuriate in the warmth. 

Now that I have the new and warmer duvet on my bed, I can sleep with the bedroom window open. That way condensation doesn't build up on the window and drip on the windowsill. Because there's single pane glass back there, that was a bit of a problem. 

I told you that this was going to turn into a boring account of my day. Well, I'll publish it anyway. At least it's harmless. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 


Friday, November 11, 2011

Switching to a more normal gear...

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I? 

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness. 

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them. 

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking. 

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold. 

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up. 


Monday, November 07, 2011

Boosting my ego...

I was going to very self indulgently write a post with no other purpose than to make myself feel good. It's not that I didn't already feel that way. I just wanted  to prolong the feeling as much as possible and inflate it as much as I could. I suppose I wanted to inflate my ego to huge proportions. I wouldn't have been able to fit through the door when I was done.

I don't know why I had this desire. I had not analyzed myself and I was not about to. I just took it as a given that I had it, although you could say that I really needed a moral boost now that I think of it. The minute I said that I wouldn't analyze myself, my mind automatically started to and I couldn't stop it. I immediately became contemplative and wanted an explanation.  I suppose I do have a Freudian streak in me. 

I also knew that I couldn't get away with inflating my ego simply for the sake of making myself feel better. I'd have to do a more sophisticated job than that. I couldn't pull the wool over my own eyes, much as I would have liked to. 

I woke up feeling pretty full of myself and darn near invincible. I felt that I could take on the world. It seemed that whatever I did and said was exactly the right thing and that I could make no mistake. 

That's all very well if you have no censor inside yourself to call a halt to your own exuberant self or if you choose to ignore that person. I'm not so fortunate and can't go on announcing that I'm the emperor without having a good hard look at myself.

I'm somewhat deflated now down to the proper size. I was getting carried away and it is better this way. I fit inside my own skin again. I have no grandiose notions left. 

That doesn't mean I'm down in the dumps now. It isn't as bad as all that. I do still feel good about myself. I'm just more realistic now and having a good honest look. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and saw that I had to lose three kilos. That weight did sneak up when I overindulged in vanilla pudding last week. I suppose I won't be putting that on the shopping list anymore for quite a while. I don't like the stomach I've got right now. It's kind of round and not very becoming. That's one area that needs improvement. 

That's just cosmetically. I'll have that fixed in no time. 

It's what's on the inside that counts and for the most part I'm not unhappy with that as it could be so much worse. I am seeing the glass half full. Whatever wrench gets thrown into the works, I manage to extract and get things working again. 

I'm managing to drink small glasses of mild orange juice without upsetting my stomach. I think that's a real victory. I thought I'd never be able to do that again and took the chance when I put the juice on the shopping list.

You see, it's the little things that count. 

Have a good day all of you.


Sunday, November 06, 2011

Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.


Saturday, November 05, 2011

Last but not least...

I'm so fully awake that I could do a number of jobs right now and It's a shame that it's the middle of the night and that I'm restricted by the darkness. Well, I'm restricted by other factors as well, but that's a result of my life's conditions and not so much because of unwillingness on my part. 

I have a great big adventurous streak and it tends to come to the surface when I'm up like this and if I had the money and the wherewithal, I would give it free reign. Give me some hard cash and a couple of credit cards and I would be on my way. I'd have an overnight bag packed in no time. Wow, a person can dream, can't she? 

I just need to be independently wealthy, that's all. Or have the pocket money of an oil sheik.

I better get my feet back on the ground lest my fantasy carries me away completely because that's so easily done. Before you know it I'm in Paris sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching Parisians walk by with baguettes in their arms. And I do have to go back to the Louvre and explore it more extensively. 

Most museums have websites where you can see their whole collections quite well. They are usually laid out very well and easy to navigate around in. It almost makes you feel like you're there for a real visit. You do get a very good idea of what's there and where to find it. It suffices when you can't go there yourself.

For now I'm just sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and my cigarettes getting a little chilled because I don't have my bathrobe on yet. I didn't do that purposely because I was so hot and bothered when I got up out of bed. I think I shouldn't sleep in pajamas at all, but modesty dictates it even though there are only the animals here.

I think I'm going to buy a nightgown next when I'm in the mood to shop. It will be a nightie like an oversized T-shirt. Maybe that won't be as warm to wear. 

It's an overcast night and it's slightly drizzling outside, but you can't hear the rain fall. It's no good opening the bedroom window to try and listen to it. I won't hear a thing. I will open the window anyway because it's not cold outside and it will be nice to let the fresh night air in. It does get stuffy inside otherwise. As long as the dog does not shiver, it will be alright. He's my temperature gage.

Since today is Saturday, it's a 'Day of for Dummies.' That's what I've decided to call this day. You don't need a lot of brainpower to get through it.  You can pretty much arrange the day as you see fit and let it happen almost by accident. At least, it's that way in my case because I have no major commitments. It's a much easier day than Sundays, when I really try to make something of it. 

It's with much happiness that I can tell you that the speed skating season has started and yesterday we had the first races of the Dutch championships. There will be more on today, so I will not be bored in the least. I do love speed skating and I especially like watching the men's races. I love how strong and fast they are and how graceful. I am a living and breathing female after all. I do love the well developed male shape.

It's time I go back to bed. I've got to do a little bit more sleeping instead of going off on an adventure. The morning will start soon enough. 

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. 


Friday, November 04, 2011

It takes a while...

I didn't really appreciate the dog barking at me tonight. I was sound asleep in my bed, after all. It was a wake up call. He had to go out back to do a piddle. 

I think he could have waited a few more hours to do that and have let me sleep a while longer, but apparently he doesn't think in such terms. When he has an urge, it has to be satisfied immediately.

Standing outside by the back door wasn't such a bad thing because it was nice and cool out there. It was a clear night, although rain had been predicted. I let the dog take his time and enjoyed the pleasant night air on my warm and sleepy body. This woke me up a bit more. 

When the dog came in, I reluctantly went inside and locked the door. I was sufficiently cooled off anyway.

I turned on the computer and made a pot of coffee. Having learned my lesson last night, I have been making the coffee less strong and this has been a success. It still is strong enough to wake me up properly and get me in a functioning mode. It's not so strong that it upsets my stomach, which has been known to happen. 

I have also been making less coffee all at once, so I'm pouring less down the kitchen drain and I feel very economically sensible. 

That's the terminology you use nowadays instead of saying that you're frugal. Frugality is an old fashioned concept and something our grandparents practiced. We could all draw a lesson from them and learn how to live sensibly. It was waste not, want not in those days. 

All we need to do is go back and have the mindset of those days. We'd be satisfied quicker and learn to get by with less.

The wind has picked up and is blowing the fallen, dried leaves through the street. We may be in for a change of weather. Rain was predicted for the night and possibly it will arrive now. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it will gently fall soon. There's nothing better to listen to while I'm lying in bed.

Except for the gentle snoring of the dog, of course. 

I hope you'll all have a nice Friday. 


Thursday, November 03, 2011

It's hardly surprising...

I made the coffee not so very strong, necessitating me to drink more of it to get the equal effect. I actually like the taste of it better this way, although I always claim to like a strong cup of coffee. I guess it really isn't so and I'll have to remember that the next time I make a pot of coffee. I do always have to learn my lesson the hard way. I hope I can always manage to put less ground coffee in the filter.

I will enjoy my cup of coffee better and it will not be such an onslaught to my stomach which is protesting less. I'm sure a cup of strong and bitter coffee is not what it wants. But I am like a donkey who kicks the same stone twice and it will be a learning process that I will stubbornly go through until I get it right. Remind me not to brag about the punch the coffee carries and what a kick it gives me. It will be because I'm on the wrong track. 

I also have to remember not to dawdle and put my bathrobe on right away instead of sitting here in my pajamas getting cold. It's like that doesn't register immediately and I wonder why I am so uncomfortable. Once I do put my bathrobe on, I'm immediately aware of the difference and I chastise myself for not having had the sense to do it right away. It makes me wonder how well I really function when I first get up in the middle of the night. 

I think I'm not as logical as I could be and have to wait for it to slowly catch up with me as the coffee starts working. I'm only a ghost of the potential me when I first get up, although I'm never in a bad mood. I'm just a bit slow witted and function below par. I really shouldn't make any big decisions in the first twenty minutes, although I'm happy to say that none are expected of me. 

I'm fine now and warmly enveloped in my bathrobe. I have socks on my feet and couldn't be more comfortable. My brain is functioning and I couldn't think straighter. I could do any sort of task now. It's a pleasure to be up knowing that I will go back to bed again shortly and finish sleeping. It's the simple things in life that make it worth living and sleeping well is one of them. I always do that best early in the morning.

Getting up the second time is a little bit harder. My body and mind do protest a bit more. It takes me a while longer to get my act together. I give myself an hour to sit in my armchair and become a semblance of a human being. I'm actually one before that time, but I like to start out slowly and to gather up my bravery to face the day. That is always a bit harder than facing the silence and darkness of the night. Looking presentable and walking the dog are big chores in the morning. They are not to be taken on lightly. 

The dog is snoring on the sofa, but he will follow me back to bed. The cat is already there waiting for us. 

Today will be lovely weather and that's something to look forward to. The sun will be shining all day.

I hope you'll all have a great day.



Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Picking up the routine again...

I had a cup and a half of coffee and that's all I wanted. It didn't taste as good as it usually does, nor did it quench my thirst. I needed a glass of cold milk for that. It's a good thing that the Exfactor will be here today to do the groceries because I'm running out of milk and the dog is almost out of dog food. I think he has about four bites left in his bowl. The Exfactor will be greeted with open arms. He will be a welcome sight.

Of course, I'm burping now from the milk, but it's not as bad since I stopped taking the B-complex vitamins. I think those upset my stomach too much. A dear blogging friend suggested that they might be and I think she was right, proving that you can't very innocently take just any pill or supplement. They do affect your system. If this is not pointed out to you, you keep very naively taking them and think there's something the matter with you. You don't suspect vitamins and supplements, after all. 

I'm slowly getting back to normal and am not so harried and stressed anymore. I think I'm coming down from the anxious day that Friday was. I achieved this partly by talking about it with my personal helper who does have her positive aspects when I'm willing to see them. I have to be in the right frame of mind to do this and lately I have been. I appreciate her much more than I used to. She helped me get my head straight about the subject anyway. 

It's with some amount of relief that I look forward to the rest of the week, although I have nothing special planned. It will just be the same old routine that it always is and that almost isn't good enough. Something will have to be done about it. I will have to make some plans to fill in my time better. I do wish to sleep later in the morning because I don't do as well when I get up early. My mood is not as good. I think that may have to do with the time of year. I have the need to hibernate.

The weather has been lovely and the sun has been shining every day. The temperatures have not been bad either and I only have to close the windows at night and sometimes turn the heater on for a little while. I do it when the dog starts to shiver in the bedroom. It does get cool in there and is all day long. It's the best room to be in the summertime, but now it's a little bit cold.

I'll have to go back to bed. I must get the rest of my sleep. That's the sensible me speaking. The one who knows not to stay up all night. It's nice and warm in here now, so going to bed will be extra special.