Friday, March 05, 2010
See what I do...
I just got news that my favorite aunt has died at the age of 64, quite unexpectedly in her sleep last night. I am trying to let this news sink in, but somehow it seems very unreal and I think I am not at all comprehending it and that it will take some time to become reality to me. I've called both my sisters to let them know and they were equally incredulous. I will slowly let it dawn on me that this has really happened and deal with it, though it has come as a shock to me and I can't believe it. I think about her husband and what a hell of a hard time he must be having right now.
They were in the process of moving to a new apartment and were just hanging up the light fixtures and my aunt had just written the change of address cards. There's great irony in this and I wonder why her death came now, at this particular time of all things? Why was she not supposed to live in her new place? Why does my uncle have to go there on his own now? I believe in fate and that things happen for a reason and there must be a reason for this. What is she being spared off? She was very unhappy of late and I think she was depressed, though she tried not to be and kept trying to put on a sunny face, though the signs were everywhere. We talked a lot about that, because she knew I understood her feelings. We were very close.
I had planned today as a mental health day and that is what it certainly is going to be now. I was going to do only pleasurable things for me and Tyke and not worry about anything. Now I will do that, but also spend it in some quiet contemplation and reflect on life and death and the spirit of life that continues to exist after death and goes I don't know where, but some place where they all gather. Death is only sad for the people who stay behind. For the bereft. We have to do without the object of our love and are left with an empty space that we have to fill with something else.
On a different note. I have managed to cut down my antipsychotics from 6 mg to 4 mg, and my tranquilizers from 80 mg to 60 mg. There are no adverse effects. I feel fine. I was not expecting any problems and I'm not having any problems. Maybe that's the secret.
I'm going to write a card of condolences now and put it in the mail while I walk Tyke. I hope I find the right words.