A fool for love...

Well, I'm not a fool for love, necessarily, unless you count my love for writing posts. I write so many posts that people don't get the opportunity to comment on them. So, please go to this post for the latest news on the visit with my psychiatrist.

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but then I couldn't find that email address of that person I was talking about earlier, so I looked through all my older comments until I found one by her and got her email address that way. It was a lot of work and it kept getting later and pretty soon I was past that crucial time of going to sleep. I had stopped yawning and was wide awake again, but it is my experience that writing a post at this time of the night is sleep inducing and that very often I don't even have to finish it before I'm ready to go to bed and can just delete it. Probably that will be the case tonight too.

It was strange to go through those old comments. Of course, I didn't stop and read every one of them, I was just looking for a name, but every once in a while one caught my attention and I read it and was reminded of what it was in reaction to and what I noticed the most is that I went through an awful lot of ups and downs and that they followed each other rapidly. One moment I was okay and the next moment I wasn't. I see now how totally unacceptable that was and how it never should have happened, but how could it have been stopped? I was rapid cycling constantly, it seemed, and somehow I kept on functioning as if that was normal. Well, except for the infamous suicide attempt. I certainly don't want that to happen anymore and expect my moods to be regular now and steady.

I had my 4th cup of coffee, but didn't finish it all. I wish I could find a good decaf and I would drink that instead. I'm going to have to look around at what's available and see if there's a good brand of decaf. Even if it is expensive, it would be worth the money. I like the taste of a cup of Senseo and could easily be fooled by a good cup of decaf. To me that would taste like the real thing and be just as satisfying.

I had momentarily lost my dog and didn't realize he was lying under the desk. I didn't see him anywhere. He is sound asleep and so quiet. When I don't see him, I get a little feeling of panic as I think an accident has befallen him and he is lying somewhere injured, because he's always getting into things. Usually I think he has choked to death on something he has tried to eat that was not edible. It's just like having a toddler in the house. He swallows everything that he thinks is small enough. I just hope it all comes out at the other end. I don't care to look for it specifically to see if it did.

Gandhi is playing it safe and has just about taken up permanent residence on the dining table. Right she is. That pesky dog can't bother her there. She's lying on the open phone book now that I needed yesterday and left out for her, as she seems to think it is comfortable. Anything to accomodate a cat, really.

The cats like their kibbles better from the ceramic bowl than they did from the metal dishes and also prefer their water from a ceramic bowl and it has to be as fresh as possible. That's why I set it in the sink, so new water can be added all the time. Toby still likes water straight from the faucet and Gandhi still prefers cold milk. Don't you love cats that come with an instruction booklet? It makes life interesting. Tyke eats his food from a ceramic dish and drinks his water from a metal bowl and it needs to be refreshed every day at least once. It's a big bowl for a little dog.

I'm sufficiently yawning now, no doubt induced by writing this post, although I hope that reading it will not have the same effect on you. If so, please go to the other more interesting post, or the one before that. Take your pick. I will go put on my PJs now and take my medicines and sit here until I get really drowsy, until I fall of my chair. I'll probably curl up next to Tyke under the desk.

Sleep tight!

Ciao,
Nora

Another post to let my words out.

The domestic help was here this afternoon. She was a real nice young woman. Unfortunately, she is not going to be my steady help and I don't know who that is going to be yet. I may have several different people here before that is decided. It's a real shame, because I liked the one I had today and got on well with her. She cleaned my whole kitchen from top to bottom. I dusted the living room really well, including the lamps and the picture frames. She vacuumed and mopped the apartment and I cleaned the bathroom sink and the toilet.

I didn't do a fraction of the work she did, but I was so tired that I spaced out and had to sit by the dining table and recuperate. She was a hard worker and didn't take a break. She left me a daily list of little jobs to do, so that when the domestic help gets here, she can concentrate on the big jobs, such as washing the windows and mopping the floors and cleaning the shower basin and all those fun things. I have to do things such as vacuum once a week and sweep the floors and keep the toilet clean and change my bed, beside the laundry and the dishes and the usual things that come with the household, such as dusting which always needs to get done.

Lord, you should have seen the dust I got off those lamps. It was plain scandalous. I don't know why I never did that before. Or clean the light switch covers. I was lucky in that I didn't suffer any embarrassment. I figured she had seen worse and I was a needy case. It was good to have someone in who said to me, "Now you go and do that." To celebrate, I will clean the utensil drawer tomorrow and throw away obsolete items that are sitting on the kitchen shelves that were cleaned today. Does anyone want a toaster? I really don't have room for it and it is in the way of everything. These European kitchens are so little.

My sister and I went grocery shopping shortly after 8 o'clock this morning and we were done quickly, because it was very uncrowded in the store. That time of the day really is the best time to shop. I bought huge amounts of milk and a big jar of Nutella and good things for the dog and Fish Menu for the cats and I threw away their old bowls and gave them a new ceramic bowl to eat from. They can dine in style.

We also stopped by the tobacconist, without to much complaining from my sister, and I got my supply of tobacco. It is very frowned upon that I smoke and I told my sister that my psychiatrist had said to me to please not stop smoking. It is like medicine to me and I would get into deep doodoo if I tried to quit now. It would be different if I were an alcoholic, I'm sure. I would be incoherent then.

I was walking Tyke this evening and suddenly a wind started to blow hard and very threatening, dark clouds raced across the sky, and I thought, 'Oh boy, it´s really going to rain hard now, I better get home and bring the laundry in,' but then nothing happened at all. It was all a false alarm and not a drop of rain fell out of the sky and this while they had been predicting a light rain all day that had never materialized. They never get it right for our little part of the country. I´m glad because the laundry is still hanging outside and I do want it to get dry there, because they are bed linens and I want to make my bed with them and have it smell good.

I changed my email addresses, because it turned out that the old addresses were still in the Exfactor´s name and I had been warned that one day, when the company went through all the obsolete accounts, they would be removed. So now I have two email addresses under my own name. One incognito and one real one. I´ve also simplified the username and the password with the help of the excellent people at the helpdesk. You just need to talk to the technicians and you are in good hands. Nobody else there knows what they are doing, but these guys do. They are the best.

I now spend half of my life being Nora Ibsen and I´m seriously considering changing my name to it, although they are rather strict in the Netherlands about that. You can´t just up and decide that that´s who you are going to be now. A judge has to rule over it and the queen has to sign the final papers. I can´t change my name until after my daughter has gotten her Dutch passport, which should happen this year and she will have all the rights of a Dutch citizen. She´s so excited about it and so am I. Her son has a German passport, so he is already a European.

Every once in a while I have a tiny little fall in a pothole moment. It lasts just a minute, but for that minute I feel like shit, and then it´s over and I´m fine again. It´s hardly worth mentioning, but an interesting phenomenon. It reminds me that I can´t take anything for granted, although I´ve had a good day.

I do easily get tired, though, and I realize that I have to build up my mental stamina slowly again. Doing physical jobs is not physically so much tiring as it is mentally, because they have a tendency to defeat me. It´s the endless futility of them that bothers me so, although I guess if you really get it cleaned up well, it does stay that way for a while, and if you keep on top of it, it doesn´t get out of hand and become a huge chore for you to tackle. You know, I used to do these things so easily when I was younger and happier.

I´m planning on being happier again, though. It´s definitely a short term goal and I feel it is within easy reach. I just have to have a lot of faith. I hope that by being proactive I can make a change in my life. I have to believe in that process.

I hope you all have a great night.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday morning.

Well, I've slept. It wasn't a heck of a lot of sleep, but it was some sleep anyway, and here I am bright eyed and bushy tailed, drinking my first cup of coffee and having my first cigarette of the morning. Outside the sky is bright blue and the sun is shining and it looks like it is going to be a wonderful day. That reminds me that I have to add the weather forecast to my browser, but that rain that was predicted never did materialize. I told you so! I could have dried the laundry outside after all. Makes you wonder why I need the weather forecast, doesn't it? I guess I like to see how wrong it can be.

I added the email addresses to the email program during the night, or should I say, in the wee hours of the morning? That would be more correct. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, that's how tired I was, but it was a good kind of tired, an all over exhaustion, which is why it is so surprising that I'm up and about already. I guess I was hunkering for a good cup of coffee. I have no other explanation for it. It wasn't Tyke who woke me. For a change he slept late too and was as good as gold. He did take up position on the windowsill just now and got ready for another barking session, so I put a stop to that in a hurry. He was very disgusted with me, but is asleep at my feet now. It is Sunday morning and I don't want him making a racket.

The new computer is a little bit addictive. I keep wanting to play with it, but I really have no reason to, except when it comes to downloading and uploading things. I have no business hanging out here all the time other than that and I do have a life away from the computer. I'm like a kid with a new toy and I want to know all the ins and outs about it immediately. Never mind that I have all the time in the world to do so. I have to remind myself that I don't have to do everything all at once. There are other things to do. I have a dog to walk and a household to run and cat barf to clean up. I'm going to make a special effort to shut it off in a while and do something completely different. But first I'm having another cup of coffee. Like the saying goes, I can't walk on one leg.

Tyke is having his breakfast. He is forced to, because every time he walks away from his bowl, the cats come to eat from it, so he has to quickly run back to it. That will teach him a lesson. If he times it right, he will be done by the time I'm ready to take him for a walk. Then our walk won't be in vain. I'm looking forward to it because of the sunshine, although it is a little bit cold out. I will have to wear my gloves.

I'm planning on vacuuming the sofa today and then taking the covers off the cushions and washing them. It is a plan. I don't know if it is actually going to happen. I thought I might do it in one of my spare moments. I'm assuming I will have those if I can pull myself away from the computer. Doubtlessly, with a little bit of effort I can, or otherwise I will have rectangular eyes again and a sore back from sitting here. And a sore rear end. I think I need a pillow to sit on, because I was aching there earlier and I do have a well cushioned bottom.

Well, without much further ado, I will end this post and get going. I will get dressed and finally take my medicines, because I haven't even done that yet. Then Tyke and I will get some fresh air. It will put some color on my cheeks, no, not those that I just discussed.

Have a great Sunday, everyone. I still don't know if my email program works.

Ciao,
Nora

Stubbornness...

By getting up a little early this morning (not intentionally) and by being stubborn in my pursuit to solve a problem, I have managed to get the email program in Ubuntu to work just now and that is a great relief to me, because I was faced with a long wait, I am sure, at the help desk of my internet company's technical service. I so prefer to fix these problems on my own and I never feel better than when I do. I have two email addresses and I couldn't believe it when the program worked and started picking up an email for me. It is the first one, I know, bit hopefully others will follow.

Now I can drink my third cup of coffee in all peacefulness and that problem won't be bugging me anymore. Sometimes things do work out the way you want them to, albeit that this is a little problem in the grand scheme of problems. To me it was a very irritating thing and I wanted it solved. Yes, I know, I'm like a terrier that won't let go.

I've got a dog here that won't quit either. He has eaten his whole bowl of food and now wants something from me and keeps looking at me and making pitiful sounds that I try to ignore and when I do, he stops for a while. I think he wants to go out, but I'm not dressed yet. It may satisfy him if I let him out back. I think he must have been under the weather when he wasn't eating well, because his appetite has returned and he is eating his normal portions of food again.

I didn't sleep during the day all day yesterday, but that was due to the excitement of installing Ubuntu and getting all the add ons installed and getting things to work. I did reach a point of exhaustion in the evening and made myself go to bed when I could hardly think straight anymore. I do have a tendency to overdo it, but now that I've got the email program working, I'm much more at ease. That was my main concern, because I didn't want to have to flit back and forth between Windows and Ubuntu.

Every morning I wake up with a numbed arm and shoulder and pain in my hand. It disappears when I get up, but it's the same thing every day. Tonight I'm going to try to sleep with less pillows and see if that makes a difference. It's worth a try. It has gotten to the point that I have accepted that it is so and I dread those first few minutes when I wake up and have to start moving my arm and hand.

Well, now Jesker is sound asleep by my feet. I gave him his pill and a bone and now he is contend. Funny dog! After I stopped putting the ointment in his eyes, they have gotten better every day, so it seems to me that he was maybe allergic to the ointment. It was an antibiotic.

The cats have had their super expensive food, but luckily, one started to eat and stopped halfway through and then the other one showed up and finished what was in the dish. They should always eat this way. It would be a lot cheaper. They can now eat their kibbles, I don't care. I only started off with this expensive food as a treat and now it has become a habit and I have to stop it. It's costing me an arm and a leg. I'll try to find them some interesting kibbles instead. If any of you have any good suggestions, then please feel free to let me know.

We were supposed to have some really bad weather, but so far we've seen very little of it. I think it rained once and other than that, the sun has been shining. Maybe it is raining on England and by the time it gets here, all the rain is gone. It must be a very weak bad weather system. I hope I don't come to regret those words.

It's very nice for me when the Exfactor is so immediately understanding of my mood and my current position. I like it how it takes so few words from me to explain my attitude to him and my need for temporary help from him. He just steps in and does what he is supposed to do, nothing more and nothing less. That's all I can ask for and I don't ask for more, that is enough. He is very uncomplicated that way and I do have to remember that when considering our relationship.

I think he is the only person I know in my real life who needs so few words of explanation and who worries about me as little as he does. That is, in a way, very comforting. He cares about me, but he doesn't panic. I appreciate that very much. I don't have to be a "falling apart all over the place woman."

Well, I think I'll see what other sorts of damage I can do with Ubuntu, after I have gotten dressed to walk Jesker. The poor dog did eat a bowl full of food, after all.

Hope you have a good day and that the weather is kind to you and you get to decide what that means.

Ciao...