Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I can't seem to get enough sleep today. I've gone back to bed twice now and both times I slept for a few hours. I just got up again and I'm not having any coffee for fear that I'll not be able to sleep tonight. I'm tempted to have coffee, because I want to wipe the cobwebs from my mind, but I'll have to wait for them to disappear naturally. I do want to convince myself that such a thing is possible. That I don't need the caffeine to get up to normal speed again.

The radio/CD player got here and I installed it on the bookshelf beside my bed and have it tuned to talk radio. I fell asleep listening to it this afternoon. It was very pleasant. It is a cute little thing, white and orange and compact with a good sound. It is a good investment.

The Exfactor canceled his visit today. He said his motorcycle wasn't working. It seems to me his motorcycle isn't working very often. He's always getting his hands and clothes dirty repairing it. I have grave doubts about this unconditional love for motorcycles. I think he should get a reliable car. But then again, I'm not married to him anymore, so it's really none of my business.

I have to convince myself to finish this, when all I want to do is lie down in bed and go to sleep. I think I will go put my pajamas on and my bathrobe. I actually don't feel all that great. This is day 6 since I started decreasing my antidepressants and maybe it is catching up with me. I see the black dog pacing.

I hope you all have a nice evening.


So early in the morning...

Here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I have read blogs and left comments and answered my emails. For some reason my latest post got published without the ability to leave comments and I tried to fix it, but to no avail. I hope this doesn't happen again. I would hate to have a problem with blogger that's going to be hard to fix. I want no frustration like that at all.

I have just turned on the light therapy lamp and the bright light of it is making my eyes squint in the early morning darkness. It is like a wake up call. Like going out in the bright sunshine. No doubt I will be perky as the early bird in no time at all. That, along with my coffee, should get me off to a good start. I will no doubt be as energetic as a go cart in the shortest amount of time and have limitless amounts of get up and go. I can hear my engine revving up now. It just needs a little more fuel.

The book I started reading yesterday afternoon turns out to be very good. The subject matter is fascinating and it is very well written. There is not a hitch in it. It reads as easily as downing a plate of very good fettuccine with real Italian cheese. It is a true pleasure. The premise of the book is a difficult one and the story is complicated and not an easy subject, but she writes about it beautifully and convincingly. You look forward with a certain amount of dread, but with a lot of curiosity, to the real circumstances of the drowning of the sister and the almost drowning of the child who is so traumatized. The main character of the book is a force to be reckoned with, although quite disturbed. The father is a man of yet unknown strengths.

I sat in my armchair with a tall glass of milk and the reading light by my side and an extra pillow for comfort and read the rest of the afternoon into the evening until it was time to watch the news. I didn't read it when I went to bed at night. I merely got under the duvet and laid there in the semi dark and waited for sleep to come, which it did quickly. I thought about my blogging friends and what they would be doing at that particular time and I tried to imagine them in their lives, knowing all that I know about them, while at the same time knowing so little.

This morning the Exfactor is coming by to do the groceries and have coffee, although he can't stay late because he has to work in the afternoon. It will be a short visit, but it will be nice nevertheless. I have to stay home in the afternoon and wait for my package to be delivered. Hopefully that won't take too long. They are usually here some time in the middle of the afternoon and not some time around 6 pm when they could also come.

I'm going to set up the radio/CD player right away in my bedroom and find a pleasant radio station to listen to so I will be ready to turn it on at night when I go to sleep. I also have to find those CD's of nature sounds that are somewhere in the collection and some pleasantly serene classical music ones. I want to be well prepared. I haven't had a radio in a while so I'm curious to see which stations I will be able to receive. I hope for a pleasant jazz station and for a station that plays a lot of baroque. No operas and romantic classical music, please. No Mahler, but Eric Satie would be nice. That reminds me, I have double CD's of his music.

It's only 8C outside right now. I stood by the back door and welcomed the cold air on my body. It was very refreshing. It wasn't raining, but the sky was partly cloudy. I did see the moon and it was in its third quarter. Last night, when I went to sleep, the bedroom was chilly and it felt great to get under the duvet. I had bare arms, so I was a bit cold. I still have to get an extra cover for the bed to put over the duvet. I thought I had something in the closet somewhere, but I have not found it yet. Maybe it is in one of the boxes in the spare bedroom. I'll have to have a look.

I'm all done drinking coffee now. Three cups are more than enough. That's all I can handle. As it is, I have to throw the last little bit away into the kitchen sink. Coffee is great to drink and it does wonders for your mental health, but too much of it is no good either. I'm down to three cups a day and I think that's enough of a good thing. I have to get into the habit of drinking tea, but I have to buy a teapot and a tea cozy. That will go on the list of things I want for my birthday. I like making proper pots of tea and not dunking teabags in a tea glass.

I'm off to start the day. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and walk Tyke. He's very impatiently breathing down my neck. Gandhi is also, I know not for what reason.

I hope you all have a nice day. The weather looks very dubious here. I could get wet.


Monday, August 30, 2010

Don't fear the rain clouds overhead...

I'm eating some fruity gumdrops that I bought at the tobacconist a while ago. I couldn't resist the temptation and bought a big bag of them. They satisfy my taste buds and my stomach very much. The problem is that they fill me up very quickly and that they prevent me from eating anything else, so for now I'm living on candy, which is not a preferable lifestyle. Sometimes I have to throw caution to the wind and live with complete abandonment. I like living dangerously and on the edge. I'm so adventurous!

I had to get two new lighters at the tobacconist, because Tyke had eaten one that I had and the other one was almost out of fuel. All I got after many attempts was one tiny little flame, and speaking of living on the edge, that was just a little bit too scary for me. I didn't know if I could light my next cigarette and the matches that I have are absolutely no good. They are as ineffective as a 120 year old man is in bed. They're not like those Swedish matches that work anytime and anywhere. Swedish men probably do too.

I also had to get trash bags and the tobacconist is very handy, because he stocks those. I was using a plastic bag, but it was getting full and I do like the fact that I don't have to go all the way to the grocery store to get new trash bags. There's nothing worse than standing in line for those. Never mind the fact that I don't like riding my bike across the parking lot there, because you take your life in your own hands when you do. This is because of the drivers of cars who don't count on you being there and have a strong desire to run you over and probably wouldn't stop if they did.

I checked my mail on the way back in and found another book from Bookmooch and that makes the total 4 received with 7 left to come. This book I just got looks very interesting and I can't wait to start it. I think I will sit in the armchair this afternoon and start reading it. I will install myself with a cup of tea and my cigarettes and have a good old read. The book is called Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz. It was a #1 New York Times bestseller when it came out 10 years ago. I have a good feeling about this book, call it expectations or instincts, I think I will like it. I look forward to an afternoon of reading to calm my mind. I'm quite excited about nothing at all and everything in general and need a soothing activity. I haven't finished A Place Of Hiding, but I will save that as my nighttime book or finish it when I'm done with this one.

I had the domestic help here and she had some spare time and cleaned the whole bookcase. I'm glad it was done and thanked her profusely. All the dust is gone and she moved all the books out of the way to do it. She is a peach. She also cleaned the CD rack and that was above and beyond the call of duty. I do so appreciate the help. It makes living so much easier. I can keep up with things myself now and take care of the chores that I need to do. Everything is manageable now and I don't feel like the apartment is tumbling down around me.

Actually, everything is starting to look more manageable now that I'm on a lower dose of antidepressants. I feel that I have more mental energy, but that may also be due to the light therapy lamp. I do want to continue decreasing the amount of antidepressants and will discuss that with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I didn't know that it was possible without too many problems or I would have done it sooner. Well, there's always a perfect time to find these things out, I guess now is that time.

It has started to rain again, but we are assured that the weather will get better in the very near future and the meteorologists advised us to go to England for a short vacation, because the weather is so nice there. You lucky English people. There's been damage across the country here because of the storm. We've had so much rain and wind lately. The Netherlands is living up to its image of being a cold and wet country. In two more days it's going to be September and I'm counting on an Indian summer. Oh no, now it's started to thunder too. I'm glad I'm not out there.

I think I will go and read my novel now. It's time for some food for my brain. I haven't read a book that's not a thriller in a while. It will be nice to not read about dead bodies, although there is a mysterious death in this book too. All will be revealed in time.

Have a good day. Think of me here in the rain. Not that I mind...


Music Box.

I was lying in bed last night in the semi dark, not reading my book, and I thought what I really needed was a radio/CD player so that I could listen to softly turned down music to fall asleep by. I have enough CD's of music that I like well enough and also some of nature sounds that would be very soothing to listen to and I could order others. Then there are also radio stations that may be interesting to listen to and fall asleep to if I have the sound turned down low. It would quietly occupy my mind as a drift off to sleep.

This is not a completely original idea, because Maggie May listens to the radio every night as she goes to sleep. I think she listens to talk radio and the soothing sound of the voices helps her fall asleep. That sounds very attractive. I'm not always in the mood to read my book. Sometimes I'm too tired to and just want to lie there by the light of the night light in the almost dark. The problem is keeping your mind occupied and keeping your thoughts from straying. Music would prevent that from happening.

I ordered a radio/CD player on line that was not too expensive and it will be here tomorrow. I can put it on the bookshelf beside my bed and have it within easy reach and keep some CD's there as well. I'm looking forward to it. Especially the radio part as I haven't listened to the radio in more than 2 years and am completely out of touch with the programming.

I did fall asleep on my own last night without any help and slept well until a decent time this morning. I didn't have any night sweats for a change and maybe that is because it's so much cooler in the apartment. I always have to wear my bathrobe in the morning now and it's no luxury. This comes from a person who likes to be cool in temperature. I like to be cool too in the popular sense of the word, but that's another thing altogether. I don't know if it's possible to be cool at my age. I haven't been accused of it in quite a while.

I'm having a very good cup of coffee and am enjoying my cigarette. I do very much like these early hours of the morning before life has properly started. The trash people haven't even come by yet. I say people, but they are men, I haven't seen a woman on the trash truck yet. Not that men aren't people. I'm not so unkind as to deny them that privilege.

It's stopped raining and the sky is now merely cloudy, but it is cold outside. I will have to dress warm when I walk Tyke in a little while. I'll have to go find something with long sleeves to wear. That will be fun to do. I'll take a dive in my closet and see what I can come up with. It's been a while since I've worn my long sleeve stuff, except for my one cardigan. I do like it when it's chilly and I get to wear different clothes for a change. I like layers, so that's probably the best choice, although a sweater may be nice too.

I'm not closing the windows yet. It has to get colder inside before I do that. I do want to keep airing out the apartment as long as I can because I smoke. It does get smelly in here if I don't. I'm going to try and postpone turning on the heater as long as possible. This climate is not made for sissies. You just have to put on more clothes. Or own a fireplace.

Right, I'm getting the show on the road. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did. I would be very happy with a country lane now, although it would probably be awfully muddy now, so maybe it is better to stick to the sidewalk. I don't own any galoshes. I'm a city woman.

Have a great day!


Sunday, August 29, 2010

What I did with my Sunday...

I finally did manage to get to bed some time early in the morning after having been up all night amusing myself behind the computer and thinking I would never go to sleep. I need not have despaired, though, because when I was finally in bed I slept like a rock in a hidden meadow.

I do vaguely remember getting up once to let Tyke out, but I didn't really wake up properly to do this. With half closed eyes I made it to the back door and back to my bed and went on sleeping until some time in the afternoon. Tyke slept on the bed with me and was very cooperative. I couldn't ask for a better dog.

I made myself a half a pot of coffee when I got up and soon was completely back to my senses. I felt pretty darn good and ready to enjoy what was left of the day. So was Tyke and we wrestled and played together and I made him speak. He thought it was funny that I barked and he did bark in return, but sometimes he gazes at me with a puzzled look and his head held to one side as if he doesn't quite believe what he's seeing. I do so appreciate a dog with a sense of humor. I do have to get my timing right.

It's been raining all afternoon, but you all know how much I like that and I think it's very cozy. It makes me feel very sheltered and safe inside the apartment. It is dark in here, but that's why I have the light in the corner of the living room turned on. Tyke is sitting in front of the window enjoying the view. It's now become a habit that he sits there and it's another way for him to amuse himself. He does very often have to share his space with Gandhi as they both like to sit there.

I haven't gotten out of my pajamas yet and think I won't because it has now become evening and I think I won't be going anywhere. I do very much appreciate a lazy Sunday like this and I'm glad I got to sleep so late. Your brain functions better on a happier plane when it's had enough sleep and you can't fool your body.

I'm not going to turn on my Bright Light Energy Lamp, because I think I've got quite enough energy. I'm afraid it will make me hyper if I do. I think it's too late in the day for it too. It's best turned on in the morning when starting the day. I think I used it too late in the day yesterday and that's why I made it such a late night. I just couldn't come down out of the clouds and settle down to a lower plane.

I still have to look through the top shelf of my closet and see what's up there. It is a hard shelf to get to, because everything tumbles down once you start pulling things out. I also keep my winter sweaters there and it's a cramped space as a result. Maybe I'll find things there that I've forgotten about, but it will definitely be the last place where such things can be. I will have covered every conceivable place where clothes can hide. The fact that I've lost weight makes it interesting to find things, because I never know it those clothes are going to fit me or if I have to put them in the bag with lost causes, so I do have mixed feelings about that.

I still haven't figured out a proper way to store my shoes and my boots. I have the ones I don't wear in a big box and I should go through them and discard the ones I won't ever wear again. The ones I do wear are put away wherever I think they are safe from Tyke. That's wherever I can fit them and that's not very organized. I do know where they all are, but I think I need a better system. I think the most important thing is to get rid of the old ones. I'm sure I can make the recycle shop happy with the ones that are still in good shape. That will be a chore that I will have to apply myself to one of these days. I will plan it in my head first and then carry it out. The same way I finally cleaned up the closet.

It looks like autumn outside and it feels like it too. It is only 13C and even inside it has gotten quite a bit cooler. That's nice, because it has been too warm in here all summer. It's finally gotten down to 21C. It's stormy outside and there's actually a draft in here, which makes it nice and cool. I did have to put on my bathrobe to keep from getting too chilled. There's nothing better than hanging around in your bathrobe. That used to be called cocooning. I think it's gone out of fashion. It's a leftover from the 80's, I think. Having been a yuppie I should know these things. Or rather, having been the wife of one.

I've got to clean the place up a bit for the domestic help tomorrow in case I don't wake up in time in the morning. I can just see myself sleep late again. It was such a nice experience today. I can highly recommend it. I have some chores to do and I will try and do them now. There's no sense in wasting time and I am wide awake again. I have to tire myself out a bit.

Have a nice evening. It's raining buckets here.


Music and comedy...

I haven't been to bed yet, although it is well past midnight. I've spent the whole evening watching music and comedy videos on YouTube and I have been very well amused. The time flew by and I laughed a lot at the comedians and was moved by the music. It does a person good to have the emotions moved to a greater degree than just the ordinary every day ones. It sure felt good and it was worth staying up for. I feel like I've had a night out.

Of course, now I'm so wide awake that I won't be able to go to sleep for a while. I have to sit here for a bit and calm down and get in a go-to-bed mode. I've only been drinking milk for the past couple of hours, I haven't had any coffee for a long time. I should get tired soon, although maybe it would help if I heated the milk up. But wait, I've just yawned for the first time, so there is hope. Maybe writing a blog post makes me sleepy.

I've used the Bright Light Energy Lamp for several hours today. Besides having it on this morning, I also had it on later in the day while I sat behind the computer. Maybe I got too much of it and that is why I'm so full of energy. I must make sure I get enough darkness now. I do have to get enough hours of sleep, but tomorrow is Sunday and that means sleeping as late as Tyke will let me. That energetic little guy does wake me up when he has to go outside. Well, he is house broken, so what can I expect, right?

I discovered a top in my closet that I had no knowledge of and I put it on right away. It has three quarter sleeves, so it is perfect for this weather. I don't know where I got it, but it fits. I seem to remember another top that I'm supposed to have in my possession and I have to go look on the top shelf and see if it's there. I only have some vague idea of what it looks like. I do know it's black, but I don't remember if it has long or short sleeves.

I did do the ironing, by the way. I found a summer jacket that had been in the ironing basket for ages and I had forgotten all about its existence. It's a short, beige, cotton jacket with metal snap buttons. I ironed it and didn't even try it on, I think it will fit. I hung it on the coat rack and will try it on in the morning. That's exceptionally incurious of me and I don't know how I got that way either. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I don't remember wearing it. I must not have been very fond of it. I also found two pairs of Capri pants that I didn't realize I had. It's kind of late in the year for them now, unless we get a hot spell.

I think I will dye the jacket black. As a matter of fact, I think I have the dye to do it somewhere in a kitchen cabinet. I'll have to look for it. I will like the jacket better black.

I'm so wide awake, I'm not going to worry about what time I'll go to sleep. It will just be whenever. I'm going to sit here as long as I'm comfortable. I will take my sleep medication, that may be a good idea. My body is going to crave it and it would not be good to suddenly withhold it. I do have to decrease one medication at the time and not try to do everything at once.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and my bathrobe and get at least ready for bed. Then I'll be halfway there.

Have a good night if you're about ready to go to bed, if not, have a good morning.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Hurray, Saturday!

What could be a better day than Saturday? It's the most perfect day of the week. It's a day to celebrate, no matter how quietly and sedately, in my own particular way. I love the fact that the day stretches out ahead of me with no obligations and no appointments and no chores to do. It is an absolutely free day in which I can do, or not do, whatever I want. I can completely indulge myself and that's exactly what I intent to do. The best part is that I will have no feelings of guilt about this. That's it, guilt free living and enjoying it. Isn't that great? Every day of the week ought to be like that. It would be like living in paradise. I think that's how it was supposed to be. I have to find a way to always do this and still achieve the things I have to do. Be responsible and yet feel free and not under constant pressure to achieve. There's got to be a way to do that. It's all in the mindset I'm sure.

I went to bed at a reasonable time, because I could not stay up later for want of sleep. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally had to go to bed because I was so tired. I did read my book for awhile, but was soon sound asleep. It was so comfortable in my bed and I couldn't think of a better place to be. I have this particular duvet cover that's very nice to sleep under and I'm always glad when it's on my bed. It's really one for cooler weather and it's exceptionally cozy and smooth to the touch. Last night was a perfect night for it, because it was cooler and I had the window open. I'm sure it helps me sleep better and I'd like to get another one like it. I'll have to make a trip to Ikea. I think that's where I got it.

It's nice to be up again and I have the Bright Light Energy Lamp on as I write this. I will have it on every morning as I sit behind the computer from now on until the springtime. I didn't do this last year and I think it was a big mistake and I can't really give a good explanation for why I didn't use it. It was definitely an error in my thinking.

I've made a pot of coffee and it tastes great. I've got the amount of ground coffee right and each pot turns out well. I had to get used to the taste as opposed to the Senseo coffee, but that happened soon enough. I like this coffee now and it really is no hardship to make a pot. It is done quick enough and I hardly have to wait at all. The coffee cups stay cleaner too. The Senseo coffee always left behind a scummy layer in the cups that was hard to wash out. I don't have that problem now. I can rinse out my cup and have it clean and reuse it again. It saves on the dishes. That's always a big motivating factor for me.

I had so much energy yesterday morning, that I had gotten a bunch of chores done before it was even 8 o'clock. I surprised myself. I took a break and watched the news and decided to save the dishes until my personal helper got here so that we would have something to do together. I'm taking care of a lot of things independently of her now and I hardly need her help, but we are already making plans for this winter when possibly things may get more difficult. I'm entitled to 6 hours worth of help during the week and it may come in handy if I need it. I'm doing everything I can to prevent a depression from happening, but I don't know how much I am in command of that. Time will tell. It's good to know that I have back up if I need it. Last winter was very bad and I'm going to do everything I can to prevent that from happening again.

I had forgotten to water my plants and they were very droopy. I felt so bad for neglecting them. I hadn't watered them in more than 2 weeks. It had completely slipped my mind. When I realized that, I very quickly watered all of them and prayed that they would recuperate. At first nothing happened and they all looked as bad as they did before and I thought I had been too late, but this morning they all looked perked up and strong again, so I guess I got lucky and they are okay. They were completely dried out, though, and I must make sure that doesn't happen again. I can only have very forgiving plants. I don't take care well enough of them to have demanding plants. They would die immediately. The plants that I have can go without water for 10 days, but that's the maximum. I'm not a very good plant owner. It's all a hit and run business. I do take better care of Gandhi and Tyke and don't forget to feed and water them.

I did the laundry early yesterday morning and was hanging it up to dry in no time. I had washed some of my clothes along with the sheets and am glad that I don't have to iron any of them, although there are some clothes in the ironing basket that I still have to iron, but those are clothes that I will be wearing this fall. That job can be postponed until it is inevitable. So far I am still mostly wearing my summer clothes with the odd cardigan on top. It hasn't really been all that cold yet. A jacket has been sufficient to wear outside, inside the apartment it is still warm enough to go with bare arms. It just doesn't seem to cool off in here.

In the last couple of days we've had as much rain as normally falls in a whole month. It's all part of the climate change and the experts warn that we have to count on this happening more often in the summertime. Large amounts of rain will come down from the sky in a short amount of time. This will happen along with periods of extreme heat as we had in July. It is said that September will bring better weather. Maybe we will have an Indian summer. It will be nice if it's true. I didn't like the heat in July and was very uncomfortable because it was so humid. I don't care for too much heat when it's humid. I don't deal with it well at all. I wouldn't do well in the tropics. I am used to the heat in California, which was dry and bearable. Even in the desert it was not as awful up to a point, as long as you stayed out of the direct sunlight and were close to a swimming pool and the nights were wonderful. There were so many stars visible in the sky that it felt as though the heavens were going to fall down on you.

I've had three cups of coffee and I think that's quite enough. That's how many I made. I will switch to fruit juice next to quench my thirst. I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I feel a slight draft by my bare feet. My toes are cold. It is only 10C outside, so that is quite chilly. That's the coldest it has been so far. It is only going to be 17C today and rain is predicted, but I won't pay too much attention to that because it never gets as bad here as is forecast. It will be a treat to walk Tyke in the cold air. I wonder if he will get chilled with his short haircut? He doesn't have much to warm him, but maybe he's a tough dog.

I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. I will find interesting things to do and keep myself out of trouble. Maybe today would be a good day to do the ironing after all. It would be a useful way to fill up some time and I would know that I had gotten that done and that I was ready for the fall. I am also curious as to how those clothes fit me.

Have a good day and enjoy your weekend. It is still August, so it's still officially summer no matter what impression the weather gives.


Friday, August 27, 2010

Up and about...

I didn't sleep quite as late as I had wanted to, but I slept until the early morning anyway and that's not half bad. When I woke up it was raining buckets and Tyke refused to go out back, even though he needed to. He decided to wait until later. It's still not stopped raining yet and I've been up for an hour.

It's very cozy here by the desk lamp and I feel great and ready to start the day. I slept well and feel quite refreshed. I've made a good pot of coffee, so nothing can go wrong with my morning. Well, not much anyway. I can think of some things, but I won't go there. The most important thing is that it's a brand new day with brand new possibilities, and that it's Friday again, the end of the week, which is always a welcome time. I haven't encountered a Friday yet that I don't like. At least not in this stage of my life, but I think I've always liked Fridays, as I've always looked forward to the weekends, especially when my kids were young. I liked it when they were home from school and we could do things.

I slept well in my newly made up bed and it was a pleasure to sleep under clean sheets. I've got to wash the ones I took off immediately so I will have clean ones right way. It's the pillow cases that I most need, having four pillows on my bed. That's strictly for comfort. I like nothing better than having a thick, soft place to put my head. There's nothing better to go to sleep on.

Gandhi and Tyke both try to lie down by my pillows at night. They jockey for position and I have to chase Tyke to the lower end of the bed. There's definitely not enough space for both of them, no matter how hard they try. Gandhi can be there. She's such a little delicate cat that there's room for her, but Tyke plants his big butt in my face and it's not pleasant. He thinks he has to be wherever Gandhi is. He thinks he's as small as she is and that he can go in the same places. He towers above her quite a bit. He's 30 pounds worth of dog, so he may be little, but he's still a force to be reckoned with.

I've got to jump in the shower in a while and find something nice to wear. No doubt I will succeed in doing that. I do have enough clothes to choose from. There's no shortage of them. I have to throw some clothes to wash in with the sheets. I do like clean clothes to wear. There will be no hanging the laundry outside to dry. It is going to rain all weekend. I'm going to try a different washing powder when I'm done with this one. This one works well, but I want to find one that smells even better. Or maybe I'm used to the way this one smells and I need a different one. I think I will just buy whatever washing powder is on sale, that way I can try them all. I'm an opportunistic consumer. I'm not loyal to my brand, except for my tobacco.

My personal helper is coming today and so is the domestic help. I have to get the apartment in shape ahead of time. I will have lots of time to do that. I have to clean up the kitchen and take out the trash. I forgot to buy new trash bags yesterday. I was at the tobacco shop where they sell them, but I forgot all about them. I will have to use some other plastic bag until I get some. The present bag is full and it is my last one. I usually don't forget things like that, but I was in a hurry yesterday, because I was going between rain showers. As it was, it started to rain on the way home and I made it inside just in time.

I haven't noticed any adverse effects from decreasing the antidepressants, but maybe it's too early to tell. Possibly more time needs to pass before I notice any difference. The stuff does stay in your system for quite a while, after all. I think I have a bit more energy, but that may all be in my head, in other words, I merely think I do and it's a suggestion. I think I'm supposed to stay at this dose for a month and then, if everything is well, lower the dose some more until I'm down to a reasonable amount and not the mega dose I was taking. It's fine with me, as long as I do well.

I'm going to take a shower now and get dressed. I do want to get the show on the road and it has stopped raining. Maybe I can take Tyke for a walk. It would be nice if I could. We both need some outside air. It's 18C out, so not that cold.

Have a nice day and enjoy whatever kind of weather you have.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Brewing coffee...

I'm learning to brew coffee in my new coffeemaker. How much ground coffee to use for 4 cups or for 6 cups, which translates into 2 or 3 mugs of coffee. I like my coffee strong, so I put heaping spoons full into the filter. It's awful if I don't put enough ground coffee into it, because I end up with a weak brew that I drink nevertheless, because I don't want to waste it, although I would if it were really undrinkable, or so I tell myself. I'm on a learning curve and almost have it right now. I've got good ground coffee, so that's not the problem. It's just measuring the coffee right that's the trick. I do want to be known for my good cups of coffee. I have my reputation to think of.

I slept 10 hours last night after having written my last post. It helped to go to bed late and then sleep in one fell swoop, so I'm going to do that again tonight. I won't worry about what time I go to bed and I'll wait until I'm really good and tired. There will be no more going to bed early before the sun goes down. Going to bed with the chickens. Besides, the sun goes down earlier every evening and pretty soon I would be going to bed at dinnertime. Bed has been so tempting, but I think it has been a way to end the day prematurely and not really a place to go because I was so very sleepy and tired. I can do like I did this evening and take a short nap on the sofa.

I went to see my SPN today under my umbrella. It was raining half an hour before I had to see her, so I walked over there, not willing to go on my bike and get soaking wet. It only takes me 20 minutes to walk over there if I don't dawdle. It was good to see her and we had a nice talk. I told her that I had discovered that as the norm goes, I'm actually quite normal. She was happy to hear that. I think she is glad that I made that discovery, because she wants me to think of myself as normal as possible. I think she likes the fact that I've found out that the population at large is not nearly as sane as I thought it was and that everybody has their issues. I don't need to feel so odd. It's not necessary.

She also felt it was time for the Bright Light Energy Lamp, so I'm going to put it in place tomorrow. I have a spot on my desk where it will fit and I can sit in front of it for at least half an hour every day. I do have to do this in the mornings as much as possible, because it is energizing.

I finished Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs last night and I will begin reading A Place of Hiding by Elizabeth George tonight. As far as I can tell, it is not an Inspector Linley mystery, but a Simon St. James one. I have never had one like it, so it will be a new experience. It will be a thriller and that is the main thing. I do like her thrillers and she does have a fascinating way of telling a story. She is good with details. Deja Dead was gruesome and fascinating as well, but you do have to have nerves of steel. Kathy Reichs does know how to tell a scary story and she goes into great detail about the dead bodies. You have to guard yourself against that. Her books are very suspenseful, though.

I've mooched a couple of books and I have more coming. I have sent books and have one more to send. I'm glad my older sister gave me money that I could use to send those books with. I have a wish list with enough books to choose from for now. As a matter of fact, I've just been terribly distracted and browsed for more books and added those to my list. I had quite forgotten about Doris Lessing and how much I liked her. I have some of her books and read more in the past, but there are many more I want to own. I've also gone to bol.com and added books to my wish list there. It's ever growing and there will never be an end to it.

It's been raining off and on all evening and it's supposed to tomorrow as well. I find it quite cozy. If I had a good coat, I would go out in it. Not that I'm a glutton for punishment. It doesn't come pouring down. They're just gentle showers.

I think I will go change my bed and lie down in it. I'm ready to read that book and I'm ready to go to sleep, I think. I hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night. I must stay in bed and read and try to go back to sleep if I do. I think that's the best solution. I think getting up and drinking coffee is not at all a good idea. Why did I ever think it was? How silly of me.

Tyke's done climbing on the table and has settled down by my feet. He has the right idea. He knows it's bedtime. I think Gandhi has gone out no matter what the weather is like. She does have to prowl the neighborhood. I'm sure she has her dry spots to hang out in.

Sleep tight, have a good night.


Rain on the brain...

I haven't been to bed yet and although I'm sitting here yawning, I've decided to stay up a while longer. I've just watched an Inspector Linley episode and it was exciting as usual with a surprising ending. There's always a twist to the story at the end that I was not counting on. When you think the mystery has been solved, it turns out to be a little more complicated than that.

Now I'm sitting here with my last cup of Senseo coffee and the next cup will be from the coffeemaker that I still have to set up. I'll have to set the clock on it using the instruction booklet and I will have to do that some time in the middle of the night when I get up again, or early in the morning if I'm lucky. I may just surprise myself and sleep all night in one fell swoop, you never know. Stranger things have happened. Usually at this time of night I've already slept a few hours and I'm about ready to get up again. Now I think I'm being smart and I'm skipping that part.

Tyke is standing on the dining table again looking out the window. It pleases him so much to do this and he knows he has to be on his best behavior, otherwise it is not allowed. He can't bother Gandhi if she's also on the table, he has to be a good boy.

I slept until 11 o'clock this morning and had a leisurely cup of coffee while I watched the news and woke up properly. Of course, I also have to bond with Tyke in the morning, so I'm always busy when I first get up. I'm lucky that I don't have to walk him right away, because he'll go out back until I'm dressed and ready. I can take my time. I straightened out the kitchen afterwards and cleaned up all the debris that was strewn out over the living room floor. Tyke had been tearing things apart. He was in one of those moods. He goes looking for things to shred and they're usually unimportant, so I let him. It gets his silliness out.

I called my sister and I think she was glad to hear from me, because it meant that I was still on speaking terms with her. It is true that for a number of days I had felt a lot of frustration with her, but as I got over my own feelings of stress and tension, I got over those feelings too and I was okay again with her and I could talk normally to her. She wanted me to come over to her house, but I had to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist first and I promised that I would come over afterwards.

I rode my bike over to see my psychiatrist and was dressed too warm in my leather jacket, but I hadn't realized how muggy it was going to be. It had been cooler earlier, but in the afternoon it grew warmer and the sun came out, much to my surprise. It's such unpredictable weather.

My psychiatrist and I had a good talk and we agreed, with much input from me, to decrease my antidepressants. I'm doing well now and I'm on a high dose, which doesn't leave me much leeway for when I really need it. It's better to lower the dose as much as I can and to increase it if necessary. I started to decrease it today. He said I should have more energy as the medication has a tendency to constrain your enthusiasm. It makes you a bit dull and flat emotionally. I didn't have to decrease, he left the option open to me. I thought, I'm going to have to do it some time, now is as good a time as ever. I'm quite excited about doing with less medication.

I had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up the proper capsules and then I went to my sister and drank a tall glass of water with ice cubes in it. I was so thirsty. I was standing in the pharmacy completely dried out, looking at the licorice and candy, wanting some and thinking they would make me too thirsty, so I didn't get any. I did regret that afterwards. It would have been nice to share a bag of licorice with my sister.

We had coffee in the garden in which my sister has already planted some flowering plants and it's starting to look pretty. One flowerbed is going to be Mediterranean because it gets a lot of sun. She gave me a book that she had accidentally ordered twice. It's by Marianna Frediksson and it's called Inge and Mira. Last week she gave me the novel Late Night In Twisted River by John Irving. It's a big book that she couldn't get through. I'll try my best. Has anybody read it? It's possibly very boring. John Irving does do that once in a while. Write boring books.

I have to go to bed now. It's time. I do have to try and sleep tonight, much as I'd like to stay up. I have to be sensible.

Have a good morning!


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A little stress?

It is possible that with the approach of autumn I've been feeling a little more stress lately. Needless to say that shows up in the posts I've been writing. I think there's been the undertone of just a bit of neurosis in them and the last thing I want to do is come across as a neurotic woman. That means that I have to regroup and get my act together. I have to practice a bit of mindfulness and not let my high strung emotions run away with me.

The best way to do that is to take deep breaths and slow down and stop and think about what I'm doing. To take inventory of myself and my feelings and how I want to react to them and what I should do instead of acting in a knee jerk fashion. I can't run around like a chicken with its head cut off, I do have more sense than that.

One thing I won't do anymore is go around making broad statements about myself. I will not say that I am something or other simply because I have decided that for a moment it is what I am most like. That's dangerous and putting myself in a box with a label in which I possibly don't belong. Besides, I don't want to put myself in a box with a label. That's too restrictive and doesn't describe all of the many facets which also make me who I am. So, broad statements are out. I won't pin myself down.

I have to be mindful of the shorter days and the way the light slants in the afternoon. It is autumn light and the stormy weather and the rain make it feel like autumn too. It's mostly the light, though, that makes the difference and I know it. I'm familiar with the color of the sunlight at the end of the day at this time of year and I'm familiar with the feelings of nostalgia and sadness that hit me. I think it's time to bring out the Bright Light Energy Lamp and to sit in front of it half an hour every day.

Anyway, I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night. I woke up because Tyke was pestering Gandhi, but I think I would have woken up anyway because I always do. I don't really need an excuse for that. It has finally stopped storming, which it did all day yesterday well into the evening. There was a very strong wind, which rattled the bedroom window and pulled at the window shade. There is a clear sky outside and all is silent, which it usually has a tendency to be at night. If it were winter now, it would be snowing. That's how silent it is.

Tyke has finally settled down after initially thinking that exciting things were going to happen because I was up. We go through this every night and you would think that he would have caught on by now that nothing is going to happen. He's asleep on the sofa now and as innocent as a puppy, which in many ways he still is. Gandhi has settled down in the used paper box. I guess she figured that was the safest place to be away from Tyke who adores her too much. He's completely smitten with her.

My boots got here yesterday, but I haven't taken a photo of them yet, nor have I taken photos of Gandhi and Tyke. I will do that today if I think of it. The boots fit well and they are the right size. I can even wear thick socks with them this winter. I sprayed them with a protective layer immediately because they are suede and I spilled milk on them right away which I could wipe off easily.

I'm almost done using the coffee pads for the Senseo machine and will be putting the regular coffeemaker to use soon. I've got the filter coffee and put it in glass cannisters with tight lids to guard the freshness. The Senseo machine is a mess now and constantly leaks and is ready to be put to pasture. No amount of vinegar is going to save it. I'm surprised it hasn't completely come apart yet. I will never have another Senseo machine again considering the expense and the relatively short lifetime.

I've been wearing my short, black, leather jacket and I'm glad I've got it because the weather has been blustery. The wind has a cold edge to it and I think it's just a little bit too cold for just a cardigan. But that may just be me and I may be more susceptible to the cold, although I like the cool weather. I like dressing up for it and I'm glad I get to wear some clothes that I like and my black leather jacket is one of them. It's got handy pockets for when I take Tyke for a walk. I don't have to carry my keys and the baggies in my hands for lack of pockets.

I remember when I bought that jacket and I was so pleased with it. I thought it was going to be warm enough for winter, but that proved to be wrong. It's not warm enough when it gets real cold. I need my other leather jacket for that or even my thick suede coat with the furry liner. I've got this incredibly long, warm scarf now that I can wrap around my neck at least twice. That ought to keep me warm enough. I've also got my dress up scarves to wear when the weather gets cooler. I do want to buy some new gloves that are a little bit more fashionable and that match my scarf. The pairs I have now are the wrong color and outdated and not as thick as I would like.

You see, in my mind I'm getting ready for winter and it isn't even fall yet. I'm mentally preparing myself for it. I don't want to be caught unawares. I hope it's not going to be the same long hard winter we had last year, but I'm prepared for anything. But first I have to prepare myself for fall and its beautiful colors. I hope I have the energy to take Tyke for long walks and see the beauty of the changing colors of the trees. I wonder when that change is going to start?

I'm going to try and go back to sleep again. I should be good for a few more hours, though I really feel like staying up, but it's too early. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Have a good day when you get up.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Turning into a cynic...

It's late at night and I'm having my usual cup of coffee, because I'm not at all worried about it keeping me awake. Coffee doesn't seem to have that effect on me. I've already slept or should I say, had my nighttime nap, and now I'll be awake for a while and sit here in the silence of the night all by my lonesome self. Well, I'm not quite lonely, because I do have the animals and that is supposed to relieve my solitary existence somewhat.

When I woke up, I had a revelation and I thought, "Why should I live this lonesome life, when what I want is to be part of a family and have a husband and children and grandchildren.?" I want to be a member of an intimate group of people who are related to me and with whom I have meaningful relationships. I want to undertake things, see the world, go to the theater, see films, go to museums, go out for dinner, travel, enjoy the finer things of life before I die. Know love and be loved.

At the same time I knew that these things would never happen and that I would have to accept my fate as it is and that's what turns me into a cynic, because I see people complaining about their lives who have a lot more than I have, yet they don't appreciate it while I try to make them feel better. I am a fool for doing so and I'm not going to do it anymore. From now on I won´t play Mother Theresa anymore, but be a tough broad, and not waste my emotions on other people´s so called miseries.

I feel that being a cynic is the only road open to me. I can´t be like my older sister who pretends to be one, but who in reality cares way too much and has her heart broken and is overly burdened. I´d rather not believe in all those emotions and extremes of feelings and trying to find mutual understanding and compassion. I´m actually quite disappointed, but don´t want that to get me down, so I choose the road of cynicism instead.

Being a cynic saves you from getting emotionally involved up to your ears. It prevents you from getting in too deep into other people´s seemingly unsolvable problems that they refuse to take care of themselves. It keeps you safe from an onslaught of emotions and drama that will pull you under as sure as the spring tide does. It makes you immune against pity parties and woe-is-me stories. It can save your mind, if your mind needs saving.

Nevertheless, I don´t feel that I´m living the life I´m supposed to live, which is so hollowed out and so bare of the basic necessities that I´m just eking out a minimum existence. I make myself happy with little things and teach myself to find some joy in them. I do this without anybody else´s help. I don´t continually live in a state of high drama. I´m not a victim. I´m not a martyr. I´m just somebody stating the reality of her situation. I could really get very down about this, but that is not what I choose for. I do try to concentrate on the half full glass.

Does a cynic concentrate on the half full glass or does he go find a bottle at all cost to fill his glass to the rim with? Selfishly? Yes, maybe he would do that. Self interest is at the heart of a cynic.

I´ve just had a tall glass of cold milk and I´m thinking of going back to bed after I´ve revealed myself so well to you. There should be a few more hours of sleep in me, although I´m not sleepy right now. It will be more out of a sense of responsibility that I go than anything else. I do have to get up in the morning and function.

Have a good morning when you get up.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Up early...

I'm up early this morning. I think after going to bed so early last night, and despite being up in the middle of the night, I'm ready to be awake now and start the day. As a matter of fact, I feel in a jolly good mood and I can't wait to get the show on the road. It is with pleasure that I sit here and drink my coffee. I will be fun to hop in the shower and get dressed and walk Tyke while it is still dry, though I will keep my fingers crossed, because it looks like it is going to rain any minute now.

I'm sitting here in my tank top and not much else, because it is warm in the apartment and I haven't got the back door open yet. I will in awhile and open the kitchen window too. It should cool off quite a bit then, but it is too early to do that now. It is barely light outside and the sky looks threatening. We are expecting rain today and if it rained like it did yesterday, it will be another deluge. It came down in buckets as if it was a tropical monsoon and there were big puddles in the street.

I'm expecting the Exfactor today and I'm looking forward to that, because I haven't seen him since last week on Tuesday. It will be nice to sit and have a cup of coffee with him and have a chat, although our chats can be very boring and be about nothing important at all, but about motorcycles and his work. I'll have to give a different twist to them and talk about politics and vegetarianism and the bio-industry. That ought to make it more interesting. He is also going to do the groceries for me, so I can't make our talk too exhausting, otherwise he will not have the energy to do them.

The domestic help is also coming and I have to make sure I clean up the apartment before she comes. Now, that's not any real cleaning that I do, but just picking things up and generally getting things uncluttered and put away or thrown in the trash or the used paper box. I don't actually clean things before she comes, like in scrubbing the toilet or in dusting the furniture. That would be foolish.

I feel like dressing up today, but I think it's going to be too warm to wear many clothes. It's going to be 22C and inside it is warmer. I've washed some clothes and they should be dry now, so I have a lot to choose from. I like nothing better than wearing newly washed clothes, because of the nice scent of them. I do try to keep all of my clothes clean and do a load of laundry as soon as I have one. Sometimes I wash clothes just to get the nice scent back, even though they aren't dirty. I like it when I open my closet and my clothes smell good. When you smoke, that's hard to achieve. You always have a tendency to carry that smell of tar and nicotine with you.

Actually, 22C isn't all that warm, come to think of it. It's only about 71F, so that's not very warm at all. It's not like a heatwave.

The garbage men have been here, so that Monday morning ritual has been taken care off. They sure make a lot of noise early in the morning, but other than that they work quick and efficient. I hope they get paid well, because there must be nothing worse than dealing with trash all day long and than smelling it while dangling off the back of the truck all the time, especially when it's hot and the trash smells rancid.

On that socialist note I'm off to take a shower. I will walk Tyke first and breathe in the early morning air. It looks like it will be dry for a while yet.

Have a good day!


After midnight...

I went to sleep real early last night, it was still light outside, but I didn´t care. I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed. I couldn´t think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book. It had rained all evening, sometimes very fiercely, and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night. No such thing happened, though, and now it is only lightly cloudy, but it is still 20C outside and warm.

Needless to say. because I went to sleep so early, I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again. That´s when my sleeping pill stops working. I should say, my fall asleep pill, because that´s all it is. I won´t get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed. You could say that I´ve had a long nap.

I googled my boots and found a picture of them, but they were the wrong color and didn´t look nearly as elegant as they are, so I´m not going to post it after all. Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow. I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too. You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut.

Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind. It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun. It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again, but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed. I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I´m trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously.

I do want to be alert to the signs, though, and not be taken unawares. They are increasing in occurrence and that´s what I want to prevent from happening. I may have them due to circumstances. I am the support system of my younger sister, who wants advice, but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much input I give her. I´m now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her way on her own. This is a hard decision to make, though, but I´m disheartened enough to make it.

I never want my mental health to be dependent on that of other people´s. It can´t be so that I have to pay the price for the foolishness of other people´s actions. I´m sure that it´s not how it´s meant to be. I do think we should help each other, but when it stops being help and turns into an exercise in futility, you have to stop putting in the energy and the effort.

I don´t know if this is the cause of my dark thoughts. I may have them all on my own regardless of this. It may be that time of year when it is approaching autumn. The weather sure has been like it and the days are getting shorter, especially with the rainy days. I have to turn the lights on early in the apartment, gloomy as it is when the sun doesn´t shine.

Tyke has misplaced his tennis ball and I can´t find it anywhere. I have been on my hands and knees looking under all the furniture, but it has disappeared. I´ve been in every room. He keeps coming to me asking for it, but I have no idea where it is. It´s very frustrating and I hope he finds it himself, but he is as stumped as I am. He loves that ball and I should get some more.

I think it´s time to go back to bed. I´m ready now. I´ll get myself a glass of milk and be off.

Have a good morning when you get up.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Wasting time...

The greatest danger of a lazy afternoon behind the computer is that you will end up spending money and I just did. I ordered a pair of boots. I can't get the picture of them, although I tried because I wanted to share them with you. For some reason that didn't work out. They are from Esprit and I got them on sale and saved 50 euros on them. I thought that was pretty darn good and didn't want to waste the opportunity. They were calling my name and they were my size. I'm congratulating myself with my good fortune.

The coffeemaker has been delivered, but I haven't unpacked it yet because I first want to use up my Senseo coffee pads or as long as the Senseo machine allows me to do it. On Monday the Exfactor is going to be here and I will ask him to get the best ground coffee and the unbleached filters when he goes to the supermarket. I would like to get the same brand as the coffee pads I use now, but I don't know if they have that in regular ground coffee. It tastes good and is relatively inexpensive so it would be great if they did.

I'm going to change my bed in a little bit and do a load of laundry. I have some clothes I have to wash and they will go in with the sheets and pillow cases. I will look forward to a clean bed tonight. I always want to make sure that I have something good to look forward to, no matter how small the event is. Yesterday it was a chocolate bar that I had saved from my trip to the tobacco shop. It was a real treat. I do like chocolate so very much and allow myself to have some about once a month or so. I think having it more often would be dangerous.

I haven't been on the bathroom scale for a while, but I rely on the way my clothes fit me to know if I'm gaining or losing weight. I seem to be okay and I don't want to neurotically step on the scale all the time, although there were periods when I did that. I've broken myself of that habit. I don't worry about how much I weigh. I worry more about how my clothes fit me and about how I look. If I feel good about myself, I don't worry about anything at all.

It's been a warm day. Outside it is 27C and inside it is 25C. I have the back door open and I just opened the kitchen window to get a draft in here. It is very pleasant because I'm sitting right in it. There are some clouds blocking the sun every once in a while and tomorrow we are supposed to have thunder storms. On Monday it's going to be cooler and it's going to rain again.

Tyke is lying by my feet and is sound asleep. We've both had kind of a lazy day, caused by the warmth, no doubt. It isn't so hot that it is unpleasant, but it is humid so you don't want to do too much. Besides, it's weekend and we're not supposed to exert ourselves. Tyke has the right idea when he lies down on the cool linoleum.

I fell asleep on the sofa at noon, quite unexpectedly because it was not in the planning. I was confused when I woke up and tried to figure out what time of the day it was. I was discombobulated. I only slept for about an hour, but it was enough to make me think it was evening and that I should get ready to go to bed. I wouldn't have wanted to without the clean sheets. I was surprised when I saw what time it was and had to have a cup of coffee to clear my head. Then my sister called and I could hardly have a conversation, that's how muddled I was. Not how I am when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm ready to tackle anything at all.

The good summer smells are coming in with the breeze through the open window. If you could bottle that smell and spray it in your living room in the wintertime, you would be a happy person. It smells like clean laundry. Very fresh and invigorating. It makes you want to be outdoors with a picnic and a bottle of wine in a meadow by a creek. There would have to be trees, of course, for the shade. And a tall, handsome stranger. Hey, I'm single. I can wish for tall, handsome strangers.

Okay, I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. As if I have to stand there and churn the washing machine.

Have a good day!


Friday, August 20, 2010

Another day...

Someone asked to see a picture of my slippers, so I'm including it here. Clearly I'm counting on good weather for a while, at least in August and September, so my toes will get a tan and generally my feet too. I'm planning on wearing them everyday until it gets too cold.

I'm reading Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs and I love her clinical descriptions of the brutally murdered, badly decomposed bodies she has to examine and draw conclusions about. Everything is very graphic, yet I read it with a certain detachment as if I were a forensic anthropologist myself. Doubtlessly, I would not be that composed when faced with the actual evidence itself. Things are very gory and don't leave much to the imagination and you do have to have a stomach for it. As thrillers go, it is a good one and well written. Unfortunately, it fell to the floor during the night and Tyke has torn off the front cover and the last few pages. I hope this doesn't hinder me in finishing the book.

When I let Tyke out back last night in the dark, he started barking very fiercely at something I couldn't see and he would not stop and come in when I called him. I got a flashlight and discovered a large hedgehog sitting in the middle of the patio. I pulled Tyke inside by his collar and hoped the hedgehog would have enough sense to leave. An hour later I looked all around the patio and the flowerbeds with the flashlight and he was gone. Thank goodness for that. Tyke didn't realize what he was messing with.

My personal helper has been here and my domestic help too. I am all set for the weekend. My personal helper motivates me to get the jobs done that I've left for later and helps me get the place ready for the domestic help. I'm always very happy when the domestic help is done on Fridays. I feel like the weekend properly starts when she is gone. I like her a lot, don't get me wrong, but it's great to have a clean apartment all to myself.

I just ordered a coffeemaker on line. I just got an ordinary one because it was inexpensive and I will buy ordinary coffee. I will use up the pads that I have for the ailing Senseo machine and then toss it. I've used another bottle of vinegar in it but it is dying. It is leaking and doesn't want to make full cups of coffee anymore. The Exfactor says that I've had it for 3 years and I used it extensively and I guess its time is up. It served me well, but it's time to say goodbye. I'll sing that song when I get rid of it.

I really need to take a nap now. I feel in my bones that I have one in me and I have kind thoughts toward the sofa. I did sleep okay during the night, but I was up early in the morning when I really wasn't quite done sleeping yet. I did go back to bed, but had to get up on time for the personal helper.

It's really better if I have no appointments in the morning. They need to be as free of commitments as possible, unless I learn to sleep properly at night. No doubt my classes are going to be in the mornings too, so I will have to get used to that. I think I must make myself as busy as possible during the day so that I will be exhausted at night and just fall into my bed and sleep without dreaming. I have been having the oddest dreams lately.

I'm going to lie down on the sofa now and watch the repeats of the news until I fall asleep.

Have a good day!


Thursday, August 19, 2010


Today was a nice enough day. I did nothing very important at all and that was just fine with me. I am convinced that there ought to be days like that in which I do nothing earth shattering and that are completely forgetful.

Well, let me correct that, it wasn't quite that forgetful. I did have coffee this morning with my sisters so that was a memorable occasion. It's not very often that the three of us sit together and reminisce about love and life. I think my older sister feels a little bit left out because she lives so far away and never gets to share her feelings except over the phone which is a lousy way to do it.

It has been an eye opener to have the three of us together and to see our different strengths and weaknesses. It was like looking into different mirrors and seeing multiple reflections. I very much saw my own strengths and was not disappointed. I measure up pretty well, but I saw strengths in them too and was surprised. I suppose I saw humanity reflected in them more than anything. The basic state of being a human being.

In the afternoon I took a long nap on the sofa because I had only slept 5 hours during the night. That was not enough sleep to make it through the day. I was watching Sail 2010 with the tall sailing ships and gently drifted off to sleep. I was awakened by the loud ringing of the intercom because a delivery person was there with a book I had ordered and the package didn't fit in the mailbox which was highly inconvenient. It's horrible to be awakened like that. That bell rings very loud and it scares you half to death.The other book I had ordered had been sent separately and it had fit in the mailbox because of different packaging. The one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing, I guess.

I had a cup of coffee to clear up the cobwebs in my mind and a piece of Brie against the hunger, that always helps. I do love the flavor of a good piece of Brie and it satisfies me so much. Tyke likes it too. It is our favorite snack.

My younger sister called me at 7 o'clock because she had bought me the slippers that I wanted. I had told her about them and said that I had been looking for them and she had found a pair downtown. After I walked Tyke, I rode my bike over there and tried them on. They fit perfectly and are very comfortable and exactly what I wanted. They are preformed for your foot and the slipper fits high on your arch so it doesn't slide off easily. My sister wouldn't let me pay for them and said they were a gift. My older sister had already given me money so I have been spoiled enough. I have very kind sisters.

We had coffee together out on the patio because the weather had decided to turn nice. There were pretty clouds in the sky and both the sun and the moon were out. The temperature was just right and it's supposed to be warm and sunny tomorrow. That will be a change from the cloudy and cool weather we have had all month. There will be no more rain for the next couple of days.

I have to send away 5 books for Bookmooch and I was worried that no one would want the books that I had listed. Every morning there is a new request. I have to finish mooching books myself, but I have to take some time picking them out. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I feel like staying up for a while because it's so cozy here by the desk lamp with my glass of milk and my cigarette.

Tyke is sitting on the dining room table looking out the window. I gave him special permission and he realizes how lucky he is. He is behaving very well and he's small enough to allow him to do something like this. He thinks he sees all sorts of interesting things outside, but I think they are all illusions. I won't let him know this, though, and let him keep on believing this.

I hope you all had a good day and are about to have a good night.


Home on the range...

I kept my appointment yesterday at the psychiatric clinic for the enrollment in the different classes because I thought it might be very smart if I did considering my options. I met with the woman in charge and she was very nice and went over my application with me quickly and filled an additional questionnaire out with me. There was really no problem and everything went smoothly. I opted for the creative class and the musical class, although there are waiting lists for both, but I expected that and I'm willing to wait a while.

We stopped by one of the creative classes and I saw someone I knew from one of the creative therapy classes I used to go to and it was very nice to see a familiar face and maybe I will see more people I know. Everybody else in the class looked very normal so I may be worried for nothing at all. The whole process of signing up was pretty painless and no big deal at all. I don't know why I had been so concerned about it. Maybe it was the woman who put me at ease.

After I had done that and taken care of all the formalities, I rode my bike over to my younger sister's house because my older sister was there. She had arrived by train from the North and my younger sister had picked her up from the station at noontime. I had not seen my older sister in quite some time and it was good to see her and when the three of us were together, it was really funny to see the similarities in character in us. Our voices also sound very similar.

We spent the afternoon out on the patio being sisters and taking care of sister's business as sisters do. We straightened each other out and agreed and disagreed.

Late in the afternoon, we took my younger sister's dog to my place and walked the dogs because Tyke had been alone all afternoon. He sure was happy to see me. I think he thought I had abandoned him forever. Afterwards we went for dinner at my younger sister's house and I even managed to eat some spaghetti which I had not eaten in a long time and it was good.We sat at the table for a long time afterwards and talked. I think my older sister wanted to go paint the town red, but we didn't. We were good girls and went to bed on time. At least, I went home at a reasonable time and went to bed before midnight.

I've had some success at Bookmooch and people have mooched 4 books off me. That means I get to mooch quite a few books myself. I have to get the packages ready today and go to the post office. I'll do that this afternoon when I have some spare time.

As good as company is, it is also good to be alone and I am happy when I can be on my own in my own apartment in my own space. It's wonderful to have that time to yourself and to have no one around you. Your own company is the best in the end, that's what you always come home to. Of course, I share my space with the animals so I'm never truly alone, but I do like my alone time.

I've got to get the show on the road. I told my sisters that I'd be there early this morning to have coffee with them. I have to get dressed and walk Tyke and answer emails. I hope I have time to do all that.

Have a good day!


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Thoughts on the subject.

Yesterday, when I told my SPN about my reluctance to go to the creative classes at the clinic, she showed some concern. She thought I was being overly confident now and that I thought I could do without the built in support of the system there and enroll in a regular course, but that I had not considered what would happen if my mood changed in the fall when things would become more difficult and I would be harder to motivate and need more encouragement.

It was obvious to her that I would not find this support and encouragement in a regular course where I would be required to attend every session no matter how I was doing at any particular time and that there would be no excuses for not showing up. I would have to attend the classes regularly just like any other person and not have an excuse such as depression dismiss me from my responsibilities. There would be no pep talks over the telephone from concerned individuals who would want to know how I was and who would try to talk me into trying to show up again.

In the creative classes at the clinic, there is at least an awful lot of leeway because they are used to people with "conditions " who need extra care and who are victim to extenuating circumstances. Although my SPN praised my willingness to be out among "normal" people, she also saw the danger in it, but she does want me enrolled in some sort of a program before the fall starts.

I had planned to cancel my appointment with the woman to enroll me in the creative classes at the clinic, but I have decided to go to it anyway tomorrow and see what she can come up with for me. Maybe there will be a good opening.

In the meantime, I have checked out the courses that are available for me to take instead and found out that they are very expensive. The ones that I was interested in taking cost several hundred euros each for 26 weeks and are only given at night. Of course, I can't afford these and would not want to go at night. There's no subsidy for them and the tuition is calculated on your age and postal code, which is very specific.

I think some things are meant to be and some things are not and there is such a thing as fate. So, that is what I will believe in then.

In the meantime I'm sitting here with a glass of milk, freezing my buns off. I washed my bathrobe and I think it isn't dry yet. I better go check on it... no, it's still wet. I will go to bed shortly and get under the warm duvet. I am yawning something awful.

Goodnight, dear people. Sleep tight.


In the morning...

I think I've slept sufficiently enough and now I'm ready to start the day. I woke up before my alarm clock went off, but I'm fit as a fiddle and wide awake. I'm drinking my first cup of coffee and will have another one shortly. It sure tastes good this morning as coffee does some days. Maybe that's because I just opened a new pack and the coffee is fresh. I inhaled it deeply when I did.

I'm going to see my SPN this morning after failing to see her last week because I slept through the time for the appointment. I will make no such error today. I'm looking forward to seeing her because I've been feeling very sane lately and it will be good to talk to her under those circumstances. Not that I normally feel that crazy, you mustn't get that impression, but lately I know what I'm doing very well. I feel very normal. It's nice to have your head screwed on straight and to know it.

Tyke's tennis ball was temporarily lost, but I just retrieved it from underneath the sofa and needless to say, he's bouncing it around the living room now and pretty soon I'll have to get involved in the game also. Right now he's managing without me. As long as he's amused for a while, I'm happy.

It's cold out today and it's going to rain again. Right now it is only 15C and it's even cool inside, which is about time. I'm wearing my bathrobe because I'm sitting in a draft. I would have been thrilled about that last month, but now my feet are cold. I'm not going to close the windows, though. I won't do that until frost threatens and that's a few months away yet. Knock on wood.

For the past 15 minutes I've hardly been able to type because Tyke has involved me in his game and I've also had to retrieve the tennis ball from hard to get to places numerous times. I think he displaces them on purpose. He comes to me with a sorrowful looking face and leads me to the spot where the ball is stuck. He's so happy when I find it.

I've got to stop writing because I have to get the show on the road. I have to get showered and dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It's not raining yet, so I have to take the opportunity while I can.

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

To bed, to bed...

I'm supposed to be in bed already. As a matter of fact, I was there until a little while ago after I had already taken my sleep medication, but then I decided that I was still wide awake and I got up again. Apparently, it wasn't cozy enough in bed, although I can hear the sound of the rain and I have clean sheets.

I think I was just not really ready to go to sleep and the animals were distracting me too much with their shenanigans. They kept climbing on top of me making it impossible for me to read my book properly. Tyke was especially breathing down my neck. He does have a way of making his presence known.

All afternoon and evening we have been playing with the tennis ball. That means I have to try and get it away from him and toss it through the apartment without breaking anything and he chases it and comes back to me holding it tantalizingly close to my hands, but just without reach. I have to trick him into letting it go so I can toss it away again.

He never tires of this game and has finally figured out that he has to drop the ball if he wants to get my attention so I will pick it up and throw it. He barks at me to alert me to it. Sometimes the ball disappears underneath the sofa and I have to use the African walking stick to get it out from underneath.

It's been raining nonstop all day. It hasn't let up once. Sometimes it rains a little more and sometimes a little less, but it always rains. It's supposed to rain all night until tomorrow morning and then some. We may get a break later in the day. It's very cozy inside, but I have been unable to walk Tyke. He has been out back for little periods of time and I hope it's been enough to take the pressure off, but he's not begging to go outside. He's been watching the rain steadily fall from the heavens and he doesn't like to get wet.

Besides playing with Tyke, I've been watching sports on television. I've had my share of sports now as I've watched them all afternoon and evening. I even watched football and I watched games I didn't care about. I also watched the European Championships Swimming and that was mildly interesting as we did win some medals, but no gold. Just bronze and silver ones. There was also athletics on and that interested me more having been the mother of the Californian State Champion. I do like athletics having done it myself also when I was young and I'd like to come back as an athlete again in my next life. One without exercise induced asthma which I suffered from.

I also laid on the sofa and watched the rain fall down and felt lucky that I was inside. When it rains, though, I feel very sheltered inside and I don't feel at all depressed or anything. That's probably because I don't have to go out in it. That would change my attitude quite a bit, I'm sure. I would be awful to have to ride my bike in it and I don't have rain gear. My sister had to go to work and had to ride her bike through it and got soaked, but she was very cheerful about it. I would have been a grump most likely.

All the time that I'm typing this, I'm still playing with Tyke and the ball. He can't get enough of it, but I'm going to bed now. It's time to read my book and get comfortable under the duvet. I'm going to make myself a glass of warm milk to help me sleep.

Have a good night.