Saturday, December 25, 2010

During the night...

I'm drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, although it's awfully early to be up already. No doubt this means that I will go back to bed later, but it is Christmas day and everything is allowed. I didn't hang my stocking, because Santa Claus was not expected here, so I don't have to inspect it for any goodies, although some mandarin oranges would have been nice. I did have some cookies as a treat last night before I went to bed and I shared them with Tyke. They were in the care package I received. We enjoyed them very much and there are enough left to last the weekend.

It finally stopped snowing sometime at the end of the afternoon yesterday after it had snowed for more than 24 hours. Limburg got about 50 cm of snow. There was a strong wind also that blew the snow sideways. Nevertheless, the Exfactor managed to get here by train and bring me the extra mobile phone, bless his heart. He is a noble knight indeed. I told him that this was over and beyond the call of duty, but he considered it a matter of honor.

There was some question if my sim-card was undamaged, but when we put it in the other mobile phone we found out that it was and that it worked fine. It recognized my code and it did have all my phone numbers in its memory. All we had to do was recharge the phone. Since then I've played with it and changed all the sounds it can make and I've picked out a jazzy tune for when it rings. Now I just want someone to call me. Hopefully, that will happen soon, although my sister called when it was still playing Pachelbel's Canon. 

I really have to stop and remind myself that it's Christmas, although it's a white one, because it feels just like an ordinary weekend. My sister and I are supposed to go on a guided town walk, but we won't go if the weather is bad. It's going to be partly sunny today, but there may be a cold wind blowing, so we will have to see. It would be nice to stay home and read a good book also. There's quite a bit of snow out there, so it may be tough going. 

Anyway, have a Merry Christmas you all. I hope you enjoy yourselves a lot and eat well and get lots of good presents. 


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Some of everything...

There was icy rain last night when I went to bed, but it has since turned to snow and there's a new layer of it on top of what was left of the old one. It's going to snow today and tonight and tomorrow too, so we will have a white Christmas. That doesn't happen very often, so I guess we should be happy about that, because of that song that says that we're always dreaming of it. Just like the ones we used to know. Even back then people were nostalgic for white Christmases. Well, we are having one, so that takes care of that.

Because it's been too long since I've had my hair cut, I get to go to the hairdresser this morning. I can't wait to go and get a decent haircut. It's more than high time. I called for an appointment yesterday afternoon and they were kind enough to squeeze me in, even though they were pretty much booked full. I think it helped that I've been a steady customer for such a long time. Cutting my hair doesn't take such a long time, so it can be done somewhat easily in between everything else. I do appreciate that. 

You all know that I love going to the hairdresser and getting my hair washed and fussed over. I like nothing better than sitting there and watching the girl shape my hair with the scissors. I'm never in any fear of it being ruined, as long as she follows my instructions. You must never be afraid to speak up. That's what's so good about always going to the same hairdresser. You aren't shy when you want to put your two cents worth in. 

Yesterday, I received a large box with a Christmas care package in it. There were all sorts of wonderful and practical foods in it. I found out that I had gotten it from the Green Cross through the mediation of my Wednesday personal helper. She got to pick out some clients who she thought were deserving of a useful surprise and had picked me amongst them. It was a true cornucopia. 

The Exfactor was here when it arrived and we looked through it together, which gave me the opportunity to give him the things that were made of meat, such as the large salami. I would never eat that. I saved the can of knackwursts for Tyke. There were enough foods in there that I can use, though, including a big piece of cheese and a package of coffee. I can't tell you how happy I was with it. It really was a big surprise. 

Last night, I left my mobile phone sitting on the small table next to my armchair and you can all guess what Tyke did with it, right? He chewed on it to the point that it isn't working anymore. Now nobody can call me, because I don't have my land line anymore. Luckily, the Exfactor has another mobile phone that he can let me use and he is going to bring it by on Friday. I will be able to stick my memory card in it and have it work, hopefully. Unless it is ruined also. That darn dog! And the Exfactor had just bought him new rawhide bones and he had one available that he had been chewing on. Grrr...

It's going to be colder for the next several days and I think I'm going to need to wear a warmer cardigan than the one I've been wearing. It will be a great opportunity to wear my red one, which is my favorite one. All my clothes are starting to smell like the new perfume I'm wearing and it is very pleasant, until I wash them. My scarves all have that scent. I've just found out that this discount store where the Exfactor bought it, also sells Gloria Vanderbilt perfume very cheaply, so I may want to get a bottle of that and alternate scents on different days. 

Well, it's been a mixed bag of news. Some good and some not so good, the former outweighing the latter.  I think I'll get dressed now and get ready for the rest of the day. I've got to find a battery for my alarm clock. It's stopped working and continually points to 5 o'clock. 

Have a good day.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

In the time it takes snow to fall...

After today, the days will start getting longer again, although the warming up effect will not be felt for a long time yet. It will be March before we feel anything like warm sunshine again and go about without wearing layers of clothes. I can't even imagine that now. What it will be like to go outside without a jacket on and a scarf. It will be the most amazing and appreciated thing. I look forward to it already, but that doesn't mean that I'm miserable now.

I refuse to suffer from the weather the way it is now and I'm bound and determined to make the best of it. Of course, not many demands are made of me and I don't have to travel far away from home. I can go anywhere I have to on foot or stay home if I choose to do so. I don't have to get in a car and drive half an hour to get to my job. Woe are those who have to. It's a tough assignment, but it can be done with a lot of patience. It just may take a while longer. 

More snow has fallen during the night and there really is a winter wonder landscape now. It's possible to look at it in awe if you forget the negative aspects. You just mustn't try to get anywhere far away in a hurry. If you just walk through it slowly, it's very pretty, but you must be dressed for it. Kids in the neighborhood have built snowmen and forts and done very good jobs at them. I remember making them when I was a kid and we had winters like this. They weren't unusual back then. 

I wish I could tell you that I had slept for a good  long time, but I didn't. Just as I was about to go to bed last night, my sister called me to tell me that she had gotten home safely from Milan and that was a relief, because we hadn't been sure if it would have been possible. For some reason, her plane, bus, train and taxi all were on time and had no delays or problems with the weather whatsoever, while there had been delays and cancellations all over the place. She must have had a guardian angel.

I woke up early, because Tyke and I both had urgent toilet needs, and I stayed up. I was ready to be awake and enjoy the silent hours of the morning. I do have to forsake some sleep for that, but hopefully I can take a nap later today. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today to do the groceries, but there's some question as to if he's going to make it. It depends on the weather. Even he isn't indestructible. I'm going to see my SPN this afternoon and I will walk there, because I'm not sure if it's safe to ride my bike. I don't know how clean the streets are. Mine isn't at any rate. 

Oh, I had been waiting with dread for the end of year energy bill and was afraid that I would have to pay a phenomenal amount of money extra, because last winter had been cold and dark and I was afraid that I'd used more energy than I had paid for. My neighbors had gotten a huge end of year bill and I was prepared for the worst. 

It came in the mail yesterday. I said a silent prayer and opened the envelope and looked at both the gas bill and the electric bill. In both cases not only did I not have to pay anything extra, I was even getting a couple of euros back. I thanked God with a huge sigh of relief. That was a load off my shoulders. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing right, because I don't pay a very large monthly amount. I must have a guardian angel too. 

This goes to prove the theory that's developing that a lot of things go right. That there are all these little happy endings all over the place. All I have to do is be on the look out for them and I can consider myself lucky. I can think of many instances when a piece of good luck came my way just when I needed it. When the timing was just right and I was saved by the bell. 

Now I've got to take my medicines and start the day. It's nice and warm in here, so I can get dressed now. I hate to take off my bathrobe if it's still chilly. 

Have a nice day, even if you're snowed in. 


Saturday, December 18, 2010


I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Home on the range...

There is a mixture of snow and rain falling and it's turning into slush on the ground that will turn into ice tonight when it freezes. That's not a very happy prospect, although my boots seem to work well on slippery surfaces. Still, it's going to be a mess and people are going to have to be careful in traffic and walking around. I would just like to get a good ordinary layer of snow instead of all this slush and ice that we're getting now. That would be proper winter weather. 

The day is going by quickly despite the fact that I worried about it being an empty day with not much to do. Because I woke up early this morning, and decided I was not ready for the day to start just then, I went back to bed and slept a couple of more hours. I was much more refreshed and ready when I woke up the second time and I had two cups of coffee in my armchair before I took Tyke out for a walk. 

He was behaving much better than yesterday when he had been all over the place and I had to keep him on a short leash. It was cold outside, though, and there was a chilly wind blowing from the north. I didn't have my snow hat on and my head got cold, even though I have a lot of hair right now and I need to go to the hairdresser. The wind whipped it around.

After I took Tyke home, I went to check on my neighbor lady who had become unwell yesterday and who I'd had to pick up from the bathroom floor and carry to the sofa in her living room. She's just a wispy little thing and had blacked out. Her husband was quite worried about her, but a doctor was called and he said she had very low blood pressure and that she needed to drink bouillon to get more salt in her system. Her regular doctor is coming by today to give her a check up and talk to her. It was good to see her back on her feet, as I had been quite worried about her too.

I am getting to know my neighbors better all the time, aren't I, although it isn't necessarily under the best of circumstances. They did invite me to come by for a cup of coffee any time for the company in case I was ever lonely. I did say that sometimes that was my problem and the neighbor said that he had figured as much. 

The animals were happy when I got home again and they both wanted to climb on me when I sat down in my armchair to watch the news. There's only room for one at the time, so whoever is the most stubborn wins. Tyke likes to sit on top of the back rest, half on top of my shoulders. He thinks he has the best view then and togetherness at the same time. Gandhi just likes to lie in my lap. 

I've been eating whole wheat rusk toast as it healthy and easy to chew very fine. My gastric band can handle two pieces and then I'm full. I needed more fiber in my diet. I have vegetables in the freezer compartment, but I haven't fixed them yet. It is too much of a bother. I don't yet know how big a portion to fix, because I don't know how much I can eat. I'll just have to guess. Maybe I'll fix some tonight. They would be good for roughage. 

Tyke wants to go for a walk, so I better go take him. It's nearly dark outside and it has stopped raining/snowing. 

Have a good evening.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

In the niddle of it...

I'm in the middle of doing chores and really don't have the time to sit down and write a post, but while the washing machine is churning away, I figured I could ignore the dishes and sit here for a bit. I can see the dishes from where I'm sitting behind the computer and I'm glancing at them as I write. I will not be intimidated by them. There are not that many of them and I'll have them done in no time. I'm saying this with all the courage I have in me at the moment and that is more than I had earlier in the day when I was more cowardly. 

I've done some chores already and did them more speedily than I had anticipated. I'm more efficient than I thought I was. Apparently I had put enough thought into it ahead of time that I went to work in an organized fashion and got them done in the shortest amount of time. Either that or I had them blown up in my mind to a size that was completely out of proportion to their actual size. I think the latter must have been the most true. I do worry about things ahead of time too much. 

I had one single sock in the dry laundry, but I know where the other one is. Tyke had stolen it and used it as a security blanket. It had floated around the living room for a few days. He had not chewed any holes in it and I finally took it away from him and put it in the next load of laundry. I'll have to give him an old sock that smells like me. I don't really know if I have one. He'll have to wait until I truly have an old sock. Maybe the next time I have a hole in the toe of one, but my socks seem so sturdy. They are industrial strength socks. 

I'm slowly reorganizing the bookcase in the bedroom and finding new places for all the things that Tyke shows the least bit of interest in. It means getting rid of things too. A lot of it is paperwork that needs to be better organized and it's a good reason to do that. I need to make a box with vital documents and have those safe in a cabinet where they are also handy. I used to have them in a file system, but it has fallen apart due to old age. You always have to decide what to keep for posterity and what can just go. It's also important to stay in the here and now. 

Tyke purposely rolls his tennis ball under the sofa and then stands beside it and barks so that I have to get the African walking stick and get the ball out from underneath. He's a little stinker. I saw him do the same thing with the ball and the CD rack. He'd get it stuck underneath there and couldn't get it out without my help, but he pushed it underneath there himself on purpose. He really made the effort to. That dog is much smarter than I give him credit for. 

Every time I think the washing machine is done, it goes and does something else. European washing machine sure take their time to run through all the cycles and I put it on a short program too. I want to dry the laundry tonight so that I can change my bed again soon. I have a shortage of pillow cases, because I use four at the time and I can't find the right size unless I go to Ikea. I haven't been there in a long time and I should talk my sister into going. 

I discovered the window in the spare bedroom was open and had been open for god knows how long. It does explain why it was getting so cold in here so quickly. One of the domestic helps must have opened it and I have a suspicion which one it was. I kept feeling a draft by my legs when I sat behind the computer, but I thought it was because of the cat flap. Since I closed it, it is a lot warmer in here and the heater hasn't gone on all day. It goes to show you how much energy I could have saved. I'm glad I discovered it before it got really cold again tonight. I would have turned up the heater with it open and have been none the wiser.

I think the washing machine is done and I will go hang up the laundry. It's dark outside and time to turn on the lights. It's time to be cozy and cuddle the animals. 

Have a good evening!


Thursday, December 09, 2010

Slow time...

Although I really slept well last night, I took a four hour nap on the sofa this afternoon, which seems pretty incredible to me too. I can't believe I slept for such a long time and needed a cup of coffee immediately when I woke up. 

It did me a world of good and I felt very satisfied and sated afterwards and in a good mood. I must have really needed that sleep, which goes to show you that I tire easily from doing the most ordinary chores and that I don't always get enough sleep at night and need to catch up on that every once in a while. 

The first thing I did this morning was go to the patio and clean up Tyke's poop that had been covered up by the snow that now had melted and revealed everything. It was quite a unpleasant job and I had been putting it of. 

After washing my hands thoroughly under hot water, I took the laundry off the drying rack and folded it and put it away and took the next load out of the washing machine and hung it up to dry. 

This is one of the jobs I like to do and I think it has to do with my sense of order. I like hanging up things neatly and putting them away, knowing that each thing has its place. When I get frustrated, I know it is because my closet is not in order and I need to clean it up.

Next, I got the mail out of the mailbox and was rewarded with my new health insurance policy which I had been waiting for. I had taken care of changes on my policy on line, but because there had been problems with the website, I didn't know if the changes had gone through properly and I was expecting all sorts of problems. I had called the help desk of the insurance company, but their computers were giving them problems and I only got a vague promise that it would be taken care of. 

It's nice when something does work out right. This had been bothering me very much and was one of the reasons why I had been so nervous, because I anticipated all sorts of difficulties which I would not be able to put to rights and which would end up costing me precious money. I guess I do have to trust in the competence of other people and happy endings. Let this be a lesson to me. 

I stripped my bed with Tyke's generous help and put clean sheets on it, which makes me look forward to getting into it tonight. I think Tyke looks forward to it also. I put the used sheets in the washing machine and am hoping to add some other laundry to it. I have to go around the apartment and look for some.

I cleaned up the kitchen, which always needs cleaning, and picked up the leaves of the ivy plant in the living room. I had given it too much water and nearly drowned it, and as a result it lost more than half of its leaves over a period of time. I am waiting for the soil to dry out and won't water it for a long time now. 

That's one thing I always do wrong. I always over water my plants. I'm good with outside plants, but I don't do well with indoor plants. I don't have a green thumb for them at all and don't have any feeling for it whatsoever. I've already nearly killed another plant and I'm waiting for it to come back to life. I think I should have fake plants, though I would probably try to water them too in a subconscious attempt to kill them.

That's when I succumbed to my need to take a nap and I turned up the thermostat and laid down on the sofa to sleep for a while, which turned into a long while. It took up most of my afternoon. 

Oh, now Tyke wants to play with me and the ball and I'm supposed to get it away from him. That's an endless exercise in frustration unless he decides to kindly let go. I'm just going to ignore him until he drops it beside me. I think that's the best method. 

Have a good evening!



Monday, December 06, 2010

On my way to bed...

If I write that I'm on my way to bed, I'll feel that there is a reward for me waiting at the end of this post. What I really should do, is put on my pajamas and bathrobe now and really be ready for bed. I still may do that after I've finished my cup of coffee. I'm awfully tired at the end of this day and look forward to going to sleep. I can't wait to get under the duvet and put my head down on my pillows and fall asleep by the sound of the radio.

It all started off this morning with me picking out the clothes I was going to wear. I had some idea before I looked into the closet and did end up picking out that outfit, which consisted of two pairs of legging, a black long sleeved stretch T-shirt and a black and white tunic. The top pair of leggings was black also and I needed two pairs to keep me warm. 

I took a shower then and shivered, because I can't get the thermos faucet hot enough, no matter how hard I turn it, and washed my hair. I quickly dried myself off with Tyke's help (he likes to lick the water of my lower legs) and got into my clothes as fast as I could and doused myself with perfume.

Then I did chores and waited for my personal helper to get here, which she did a half hour early, on foot, bundled up against the cold, trying not to break her neck on the ice that was in the streets and on the sidewalks. So we had a hot cup of coffee first before we put our brave boots on and went and took Tyke for a much needed walk. Tyke was very happy and eager to go when he saw me put my boots on. He was sitting pretty while I put his leash on and was ready by the front door before I even had my gloves on. We walked very carefully and moved to the grass as soon as we could, because there things were soft and crunchy. We sank into the icy patches.

When we came home, I talked about all the things I was so nervous about and that were, which were just the ordinary every day details of the life of a human being who functions in the world, but which I find very difficult. It's why I have to take tranquilizers. This personal helper, whom I'll call my Belgian personal helper, is very good to talk to and gives me lots of good feedback and I always feel better after I've talked about these details of ordinary life. It's like she holds up a mirror in which I see myself and my problems and things seem less complicated. 

She suggested that she comes more often than once a week and starting next week she will be here on Thursday mornings as well. I'm very grateful for that and can't believe my luck. The other personal helper will come on Wednesday mornings, so I will have someone three times a week. I can discuss all my problems with them. Whatever sort of trouble I run into I can discuss with them and they will help me. If that isn't a very good deal, I don't know what is. 

Soon after she left, the domestic help got here and cleaned up the apartment very nicely and it is such a joy to have the place look spic and span. I never have to be embarrassed about having anyone over here, because it always looks good in here. 

Because it was my sister's birthday today, she came and picked me up and took me to her house for coffee and pie. Her Italian friend was there and he had bought her a dishwasher and was finishing installing it. It looked very good when it was done and worked like a charm. He's a very handy man to have around the house. We had delicious pie and I would have liked to have eaten two pieces, but alas... the gastric band! Because I can't speak Italian like they do and I didn't want to speak English, I went on strike and spoke French. I thought about speaking German, but my German is rusty. 

I finally made it home after six where my loyal animals were waiting for me and needed lots of cuddling and food. And then I was tired, because it had been an eventful day for me. I normally don't have such busy days. Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming in the morning to do the groceries and in the afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I need a good night's sleep and that's what I'm going to get right now. I'm going to put my pajamas on. 

Have a good night!


Sunday, December 05, 2010

The sound of snow...

It rained during the night and in the morning, turning all the snow and ice into slush and puddles. Then it snowed for a couple of hours this afternoon, but it just added to the mess on the ground and turned it into more slush. There isn't a soul outside and I don't think anyone in their right mind would go out there, because it's miserable. It's just started snowing again and it doesn't look very appealing. The weather forecast changes all the time. I don't think anyone knows what the weather will bring.

I was up early this morning and had my coffee and cigarettes and wrote a post for one of my other blogs, but when I was done with that, I went back to bed and slept until past noontime. That's what I really needed. It was very pleasant and when I woke up I felt like I was really done sleeping. Sometimes I'm too optimistic when I get up early in the morning and I should really stay in bed and sleep some more. Especially on a day like today. 

Tyke got into the old books that were on the bookcase in my bedroom and tore them apart. There is a total mess in my bedroom and I haven't had the courage to clean it up yet. I'll have to get a trash bag and throw everything away. I didn't notice a thing while I was asleep. It looks like he had a frenzy. Imagine me not waking up from that. 

He didn't look the least bit guilty when I got up. He was wagging his tail. I just moaned and wondered when he was going to outgrow this behavior. He had several of his toys to play with in the bedroom, so I thought he wouldn't be bored, but I was wrong. He does get his revenge on me when I sleep. At least he doesn't get into any good stuff in the rest of the apartment. Knock on wood.

The snow is starting to stay on the ground, so that means it's cold enough. I do feel it cooling off in here. The heater should start up any moment now.

Well, I'm off to clean up the mess and to put the trash out. A most frustrating job. 


Friday, December 03, 2010

Under the weather...

I'm sitting here in the late afternoon with my second cup of coffee. I am enjoying it very much. It is hot and tasty and freshly made. While I am writing this. I also have to throw the rubber ball with the bell in it for Tyke, so I'm doing double duty.  It was stuck beneath the sofa, so I had to get it out from underneath first with the help of the African walking stick. It is his favorite ball now and he completely ignores his tennis balls. 

Today we got a pulling rope with a latex tennis ball attached to it in the mail. You can all guess what happened to the tennis ball in the shortest amount of time, right? He was tearing that apart within no time. I had to cut the rest of it off before he swallowed all of it. Luckily, we still have the pulling rope and it seems to be pretty sturdy. I think it will last a while. Fingers crossed. 

I may or may not be coming down with something. I have just a bit of a sore throat and a cough and a headache and I was especially tired today and spent a lot of it sleeping. As a matter of fact, I'm still in my bathrobe and pajamas and have no desire to get dressed. I have sore muscles and I'm tired. I have been around a lot of people who were or are sick, so it wouldn't surprise me if I picked something up. I rarely get ill, though, and I bet I'll be over this in no time. I'm a pretty sturdy woman. I'll take some aspirin and be as good as new in the shortest amount of time. 

It snowed a little bit this morning, but we're not expecting any more now. Tomorrow it's going to rain and on Sunday as well. Things will turn into a nice slush and be drabby. After we had all that snow yesterday that coated all the ice, I'm almost sorry to see it go, but it will be nice to have clean streets and sidewalks for as long as it lasts. Who knows what the winter will bring us? I hope this was it for now, but I'm afraid to be hopeful. I remember last year very well with the seemingly endless cold and snow. 

I was playing ball with Tyke, but he just rediscovered his pulling rope, so he's forgotten all about me and the ball. That means I can sit and concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't know if it will make any difference as to the quality of my writing. I think the distraction may have been good for me. At least it prevented me from daydreaming. I must not fall into reveries now... 

Well, he let me play tug of war with him very reluctantly. It's his rope and I better remember that. 

These are the boots I ordered with the profiled soles. They are from Scapino, but they look like Ugg boots and they are lined also. I expect them to be pretty comfortable. I hope they withstand the test on the ice, that's the most important thing, but if they are warm also, then that would be good too. I don't have any warm boots. I can already see myself walking in these like a Laplander, ready to go get my reindeer.  I wish my sheepskin coat matched them in color, but I have no such luck, drats. Now I must save up my money to buy such a coat.

That puts me on a whole new train of thought. Those of winter coats and how to get the best one and when to buy one. I must put some thought into this. Mmm...

I do get ideas into my head that get stuck there and that are hard to get rid of once they do. I do fixate on things. I will be looking for the coat I want everywhere now. As if I can afford it, right? I would probably have to steal it and I'm too honest for that. I couldn't get away with it. Darn.

Have a good evening!


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Just how cold is it?

When I walked Tyke for the last time yesterday evening, I almost slipped and fell when I crossed the street, because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The whole street is like that and so are all the streets in the neighborhood. None of them have been treated for the snow and subsequently have turned to ice. 

I'm now afraid to walk on them, because my boots have no profile and I can fall very easily. I don't want to wear last years hiking boots, because they are too small and caused me so much trouble with my little toe that took forever to heal. The sidewalks are only a little bit better and it's best when I walk Tyke to walk on the grass as much as possible, because there I don't slip. 

I was supposed to see my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning, but I don't want to ride my bike, because I'm sure I'll have an accident, as there are no such thing as snow tires for bicycles, and I don't want to walk all the way over there on the slippery sidewalks and streets in this cold. The wind chill factor makes it minus 17 degrees Celsius. 

Maybe somebody braver than me would do it, but I'm awfully afraid of breaking a bone and being helpless.  I imagine myself lying in the middle of the street with  a broken leg and having to go to the hospital while the animals are home all alone. Gandhi was already very distraught when Tyke and I were gone at the neighbors yesterday morning and needed a lot of attention from both of us to get back to normal. She's not used to being on her own for such a long time. 

Anyway, I simply can't afford to fall and break a bone, so I'm going to cancel my appointment and not go anywhere until the ice and snow have melted, other than take Tyke for walks, which is dangerous enough. Things should melt by the end of this weekend when temperatures will rise and we will have rain. Rain will be  most welcome.

In the meantime I'm sitting here working on my third cup of coffee, which I probably won't be able to finish. It tasted good while it lasted and the coffee woke me up well enough. I got me functioning anyway. It is always such a bother to make that pot of coffee in the morning with my sleepy head, but it sure is nice when it's done and I've got my first cup.

Tyke is eating his new dog food when he realized there was not anything else I was going to give him and he already chased Gandhi away from it with an angry growl. Gandhi retreated to the coffee table with hurt feelings. Tyke's right in defending his food, though. She does have her own bowl of kibbles on the kitchen counter. She just assumes that everything that belongs to Tyke, belongs to her too. That's how attached she is to him. She thinks they are a unit. They probably can't live without each other. Judging by how she greeted him yesterday, that's probably true. 

I've got to get dressed and go out and brave the elements to walk Tyke. I do worry about that slippery street. Just now I saw a young girl on her bike slip and make a smack. I felt so sorry for her. She got up okay and went on her way. Cars go by very slowly. I am exactly at the intersection of three streets, so I'm waiting for the sounds of a crash. I hope not.

Have a good day!


Monday, November 29, 2010


It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Through the night...

It is now in the middle of the night and it is 23F degrees outside and the sky is clear. No wonder the heater was coming on. I have the thermostat set low, but the radiators felt warm when I got up. The Heater comes on every once in a while. It's not on continuously. Apparently the apartment is well enough insulated to keep out the worst of the cold.

I went to bed very early last night, because I was completely bored with what was on TV, which is never interesting on Saturday nights, and I wasn't in the mood for blogging either. I laid in bed and listened to the football game on the radio until I dozed off.A football game is also boring enough to drift away by. Who can keep track of all the different players when there are no pictures to look at?

I woke up in a sweat and had to go to the toilet in a hurry and then Tyke had to go out back. I stood by the back door in the cold night air and completely cooled off, which was nice. When you're having a hot flash there's nothing better than the freezing cold on your body. It would have been different if a strong northern wind had been blowing. I might not have enjoyed it as much then.

Since it's the weekend, I decided to stay up and enjoy the silence of the night and catch up on my sleep in the morning. I started a pot of coffee and turned on the computer and answered emails. I can usually do that before I've had my coffee, though I function better mentally after I've had a cup. I probably would write better emails if I waited, but I'm impatient to get them done.

It's going to be cold like this for a while and on Wednesday and the next few days we are expecting snow. So it is predicted. If it will actually come about is another matter all together, because we are promised all sorts of weather that never really happens. Sunshine that doesn't appear and rain that doesn't fall. Weather forecasters do their best, but it still isn't an exact science and they can only make broad predictions and not really pinpoint them all that locally. At least for our area they don't seem to be able to do it. We will see.

I have to make a list of things that I have to take care of. I don't think it's actually going to be that long, but they are things that keep escaping my attention and that I think of when I can't do anything about them. They keep nagging me at the back of my mind and then I start to worry about them at the most inappropriate times. It will be better to get each item down on paper and check it off as I get it done. That seems to be the most sensible thing to do. I'm not a great maker of lists, but I do see the sense of them now. It's a great way to organize your mind and to actually accomplish things. That's one resolution I have to keep. I'm starting mine before it's actually New year's. 

All you other single people out there are my great example. You are all managing your lives and taking care of the details  and problems of it with whatever degree of success, and although I don't know how difficult this is for you, you do seem to pull it off. I never hear any big complains and stories of woe. You all seem to cope and do well. I must remember that I'm not the only middle aged woman on her own who has to figure out her own stuff. Sometimes I get a lot overwhelmed and I don't want to cope at all, but be like an ostrich and put my head in the sand. I wonder if you have the same problem too and how do you overcome that? Do you ever get intimidated by life? 

It's early in the morning now and I'll move on to other things. This has been a nice way way to spend the night. I've taken my time writing this, but I did have to take a tranquilizer and wait for it to work halfway through. I had too much free floating anxiety and worries. 

Have a good morning and enjoy your Sunday. 


Friday, November 26, 2010

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

In the evening...

I actually have two pairs of glasses. The ones that I have been wearing, which are a modern rectangular design and are made of a thin bronze colored metal. I chose these in a hurry, because I thought I wanted something different and more youthful. I ended up never liking them very much, but wearing them anyway, because the woman in Specsavers had said that they looked good on me and I believed her.

I also have my original pair of glasses, which have a minimal frame that is made of hypo allergenic titanium and they were very expensive. Because the frame is so minimal, it makes much less of an impact on my face and it is so lightweight that I hardly notice wearing it.

I had put this last pair of glasses away in their case in the drawer of my nightstand and pretty much forgotten about them until tonight. I got them out and cleaned them up and had a good look at them and saw how nice they really were and what better quality than the glasses I had been wearing.

I stood in front of the mirror and took one pair of glasses off and put the other ones on and couldn't believe the difference. I liked the old pair so much better. My whole face showed up again. I kept them on and have been wearing them since and have put the other glasses away. This is the pair that I really want to wear. So, when I get my eyes checked and it turns out that I need new glasses, I'm going to have them put into this frame and not bother picking out another one.

I instinctively picked out this frame the first time I got glasses. I zoomed in on it and said, "That's the one I want!"  I put it on and was pleased right away. I don't know why I thought it wasn't nice enough anymore. Well yes, I wanted to be  more modern.

So, that's the story on the glasses. Don't be led by fashion. Let your own common sense prevail and your own taste. If you look ridiculous, hopefully somebody will tell you.

Have a good night!


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Because I may need new glasses in the near future, I went to the Specsavers website and had a look at what was available in frames at a reasonable price. They have a really neat feature. You can choose an image of a face that closely matches yours, or download your own image, and try out frames on it to see how they look and in the color of your choice too. 

It's a fun thing to do and you can get real serious about it, though there are a lot of frames to choose from and you do get a bit confused after a while. It does give you an idea of what sort of frame you ought to be looking for and what colors look good. I know for sure now that the glasses I have are the wrong ones for me and that I need to get another pair. 

But like I said, that's in the future when I have the money for them. It's fun to look around and fantasize about them. It keeps you busy and off the streets. You know how much I hang out on street corners making a nuisance of myself. 

I have a sharp pain in my upper back where that curve is and I know I'm going to have to take a painkiller for it. Otherwise my muscles are going to tighten up and I will be in even more trouble. I'm trying to sit up as straight as I possibly can, but it requires a lot of effort. Slumping behind the computer is probably what got me into this problem.  Walking with Tyke makes it worse when he pulls at the leash. 

It's not nice when your body lets you down. Age is probably a contributor. Things wear out. I imagine my worn out spine trying to stand up straight after all these years and not quite making it. God, that makes me sound like somebody's old great grandmother, bent over with a cane, constantly looking at the ground slightly ahead of her. It's actually because of a mild form of scoliosis that my back hurts. I've taken a painkiller and I hope it works soon.

I've taken Tyke for his last walk for the day and he's sound asleep now underneath the dining table. It's time that his new pillow arrives, because he picks odd places to sleep in. Not the most comfortable ones. Hopefully it will get here by tomorrow. It's strange that it wasn't delivered at the same time with his toys, but I did order it on a different day, so maybe that was too complicated for them. 

I've just had a big bowl of Cup a Soup. I mixed three pouches of asparagus flavor in a bowl of hot water and it was very thick and nice and warm. It's done my stomach a world of good. I feel full and comfortable now. It was better than a cup of hot chocolate and that's saying a lot. I've still got a couple of other flavors left, under which broccoli and leek. Cup a Soup is a good invention. I wish I had thought of it. Hey, I should be a spokeswoman for them and for Specsavers too.

I'm tired even though I slept so well last night. I could go to bed right now and fall asleep, but I won't do that because it's way to early for that. I will go and put my pajamas on so I will at least be at that stage. 

Have a good evening, you all. 


Monday, November 22, 2010

Space cadets...

Even though it is cool in the apartment, I'm not experiencing it as such, which goes to show you that it's all a question of imagination when you think you are cold. I've thought I was cold when it was much warmer in here and turned on the heater. It's true that I am sitting here in my bathrobe and my very warm slippers, but I was then also, so that's no excuse. 

I guess my own internal heater is working better this morning, although my hands are cold and I just stood by the back door where I was exposed to the cold wind that was blowing from the east. Even Tyke didn't stay out there long. It's starting to feel like winter, even though it's officially still a month away. 

It's a good thing that I got my very thick winter coat out and started wearing it. I would be freezing in my short leather jacket now. It isn't thick or long enough to keep me warm in this kind of weather. When the wind comes from the east. it's always cold in the wintertime. We say that it comes from Russia, and all things that come from Russia in the wintertime are cold. Even the vodka. 

I'm sitting here postponing doing some chores. It isn't even light outside yet, so I thought I could wait a while. I don't have to punch into a time clock. I know that I can do what I have to do in the shortest amount of time, it just depends on how organized I want to be and how quick I want to get done. I'm expecting my personal helper at 10:45 am and I have to be ready by that time. That gives me a little  bit of leeway. 

I was also expecting the Exfactor, but I got an email from him saying that his motorcycle was parked somewhere in Belgium with a flat tire and that he's going to fix it today. I don't know how he's getting over there. He didn't tell me the details of that. I do know that riding a motorcycle is a highly unpredictable thing to do, because things are always going wrong with it and it always needs to be fussed over. If it isn't a flat tire, it's something else. I don't know where the attraction lies, because a motorcycle seems very unreliable. I would definitely prefer to have a car. 

My domestic help is also going to be here today and that is a good reason to get some of my chores done, so that the apartment will be ready for a good cleaning. As you can see, I've got my day cut out for me. It will go by quickly anyway. Mondays are like that, although I prefer it if the Exfactor comes on Tuesdays when there is nobody else here. I think he has to work tomorrow, though. He does have to put his hours in, even though it is a part time job. Or especially because of that. 

Rainy days and Mondays don't get me down, as the song doesn't quite go. Those kind of days don't bother me. It would be worse if today were an empty day with nothing to do and no people to see. I do so long for the interaction on a regular basis. The times that people are here are the highlights of my day, even if they are only the domestic helpers. Company is company, and I'm like an old and lonely woman who craves it. 

We are going to have rain showers today. At least, they are predicted. We'll see if they really come about, because much is predicted and not everything happens. Many times we don't get any rain at all or just a few spatters. We really don't need the rain now, a little bit of sunshine would do very nicely. 

Tyke and Gandhi are both asleep. Thank goodness for small favors, because they have been active already this morning and Tyke pestered Gandhi and me until he drove us batty. He wanted to play and neither one of us was ready for it. It was too early in the morning. He does pick his moments, the darn dog. 

It's light now and I suppose I better get the show on the road. It is a good idea to get started while I still have the get up and go to do so. I may otherwise lose my momentum and sit down in the armchair and start watching the reruns of the news. I am so not impressed by the fact that Wills and Kate are engaged. We have our own royalty to watch and even they are only mildly interesting. 

Have a wonderful day!


Saturday, November 20, 2010

A pocket full of posies...

I think I've just about had enough coffee. I'm wide awake enough anyway. There are no cobwebs left in my mind whatsoever. I can think clearly now and I've taken Tyke for a walk in the not unpleasant morning temperatures. I suppose it is a little bit chilly, but when you're dressed warm enough, it isn't bad at all and there's no wind to speak of, so it's very enjoyable. 

It's always the wind that makes a day unpleasant and colder, especially at this time of the year. Especially if it comes from the north or the east, from Russia. Wind from the south and the west isn't as bad in comparison. Weather that comes to us via England is usually wet, as it comes from the Atlantic and carries lots of rain. The poor English people can't help it. 

We're lucky here in our little corner in the south in that a lot of it misses us and goes to the rest of the Netherlands. Sometimes we longingly look at the sky for some rain to come down, although lately we've had enough. There was a lot of flooding in Belgium and a lot of damage, but we did better and were better prepared. If there's one thing we've gotten good at, it's how to be prepared for an overabundance of water. There's a plan of which land behind the dikes of the rivers to flood if the water gets too high. 

The sun has come out and it promises to be a nice day. The sunlight is coming in through the living room windows and will warm the place up. I had the heater on for a while this morning to take the worst of the chill out of the air, though it was really nothing and it just seemed chilly. I don't know why that is at this time of the year, but it seems to be colder at reasonable temperatures that you wouldn't worry about if it were springtime or summer. And then consider the amount of clothes I wear inside, which are double layers. Silly, isn't it? 

The fallen leaves outside are decomposing and turning into a fine mess. They get stuck under my boots and I walk into the apartment with them. I walk on the grass with Tyke were they are in abundance and nobody rakes them up. I wonder what other fine messes I am unknowingly going to step in one of these days. I mustn't think about it. At least my boots can handle a mess, they are pretty sturdy. I still must buy those hiking boots, but I'm waiting until I have the money and hope the snow and ice hold off until that time. Wouldn't it be great if we had a mild winter? Wishful thinking, right? The weather is so kind to us now, that it is hard to imagine it turning against us with arctic conditions.

Tyke is barking at me, but I keep ignoring him, otherwise I'll get a spoiled dog. He does have to know that I'm not going to jump up and do something for him whenever he thinks I ought to just to keep him quiet. I try to keep him quiet for the neighbors, but they'll have to put up with a little bit of noise now and then. I'm going to get an ulcer otherwise. 

He's given up and gone to sleep and I'm going to end this epistle. I'm going to take my medicines and read my book and take a nap, because it's Saturday and because I can. 

Have a great day!


Friday, November 19, 2010

And all that jazz...

I'm having my second cup of coffee early on a chilly morning. I've got my bathrobe and slippers on, but I've just turned up the thermostat to get it a little bit warmer in here. I do think I deserve a little bit of comfort. My hands are cold and so is my nose, although I'm not suffering from frostbite yet. Conditions aren't quite that bad. It's only going to be cloudy today and not even rain, so we are blessed, although a little bit of sunshine would have been nice too. 

At least my feet are very warm and so is my stomach from the hot coffee. Pretty soon the rest of me will be also. It won't take too long for the apartment to heat up. That is the pleasant side effect of not living in too big a place. 

After having cut down on my tranquilizers yesterday, I managed to last on one that I took in the morning until 8 o'clock in the evening. Then I started to get stressed and anxious and I knew I would have to take another one. I didn't think that was too bad, because I had lasted all day on just that one in the morning. 

I hadn't really needed the one in the morning in combination with my other medicines and I won't take one this morning, but I will wait for the day to unfold and see when I need to take one. I'm going to try to limit it to one tranquilizer a day, but if I need to take two then I will. I'm not going to go through unnecessary stress when I don't have to. Reducing them a little at the time is fine. I can't expect to go from three of them during the day to just one all at once without any problems. I will see. 

Today my other personal helper is going to be here and so is the domestic help. That means it is Friday again and once again I find it impossible that it is. I still don't know what happens to the weekdays. They seem to speed by. Every time I turn around it is weekend and I wonder what happened to the rest of the week. 

It's not as if I have that awful many things to do during the week. It mainly seems to be a matter of trying to stay on an even keel and dealing with whatever events take place calmly. It's a good week if my mood is stable and if I can deal with the emotional things well and give them a place, like I'm doing right now with the subject I'm tackling in therapy. 

So, today will be the first day of the beginning of the weekend or it will be when everyone has been here and has gone. I will be left with a clean apartment and a sorted mind, at least I hope so. I hope my personal helper and I can put the world to rights or at least do the chores that need to be done together.

Now it's time to take my medicines and to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. I really don't want to go out there yet, it's so nice and warm in here. I suppose that I don't want the day to start yet officially. I'd like to postpone it another hour or so. It's still dark outside and not very enticing. I suppose it's the human condition to want to be warm and cozy and in the light.

Alright, off I go. Have a great day. 



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What's it going to be today?

I just heated up a cup of coffee for myself. It is coffee left over from this morning, so it's not the best cup in town, but it will have to do unless I want to make a new pot and I'm not sure about that yet. I don't know how awake and alert I want to be at this time of day. It may be that this one cup is enough to have me function the way I should. I will have to wait and see what happens.

I took a long nap on the sofa this afternoon. After I came home from seeing my SPN, I was quite done in. I sat in my armchair for a while and tried to recuperate. I had dealt with so many memories and so many emotions. I knew I also needed to get a rational point of view on all of it, but I was too wiped out to do it. I walked Tyke and then decided to lie down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket.

Now that I'm awake again, and can think about things with some distance between them and me, I can let go of all of the emotions and rationally approach the subject. I can see that there have been huge flaws in my thinking all along and that these have been masked by my overwhelming emotions and that the story would not have gone how I imagined it, no matter how good the circumstances. 

The fairytale that I had tried to pull off was bound to fail, only I had my head in the sand and refused to see the truth and to this day believed that if only a certain event had not happened, I would have lived happily ever after. I now see how delusional that was and how impossible of me to think it. I really believed that if I ignored all the bad and concentrated only on the good, we all would ride off into the sunset and have a happily ever after life.

It's about time that I look at this in a rational way. That I start to doubt and pick apart all the feelings and assumptions I have had about this period in my life. The explanation and emotional reasoning I had in place was just as much a fallacy as the fairytale I was trying to live back then. My explanation doesn't hold up under careful questioning. My reasoning is completely flawed. It's time to cut out the nonsense and to get down to reality. To look at things they really were and not the way I imagined they were. Or wanted them to be.

I'm getting rid of a lot of old sadness about this, very deep grief, as a matter of fact. The kind of grief that makes you crazy and leaves wounds. I finally have the opportunity to heal them and to look at my own role in all of it. Why I reacted the way I did and why I handled things the way I did. That's much more realistic than believing in the story of wrong assumptions and explanations  I've been walking around with.

I'm getting this straight in my head as I'm typing this, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about it. The subject doesn't leave my head, but it is with a certain amount of clarity and relief that I think of it. I know I'm not done with it yet. There will be more sessions spent on it, but they all will be fruitful. I will not waste my time regretting things that are over and done with. I've spent enough time doing that already. 19 Years as a matter of fact. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's time for our evening stroll. I will be lost in thought. 

Have a good evening!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

More coffee, please!

I'm brewing a pot of coffee and I have to be patient for just a little while. It will be done in the shortest amount of time. That's the drawback of having an ordinary coffeemaker, that you do have to wait, even if it really isn't for such a long time, but I am a modern human being and I want instant gratification. It's as simple as that. Even I at my age am a product of this era and I want everything available instantly.

That makes me sound like an impatient person and I'm really not. I can have infinite amounts of patience and wait endlessly for some things, but when it comes to the little comforts in life, I guess I'm not patient at all.

In the meantime, I have my cup of coffee and I can get on with things. I don't want to get bogged down in a treatise about patience and the virtue thereof and the benefits for those who wait. Much has been written about it already. You sure don't need my two cents worth on it. 

I've slept well, but I don't know if I've slept long enough. I had some trouble falling asleep last night and I got up after lying in bed feeling very bored and trimmed the hair around Tyke's eyes so he would be able to see better. I imagined that he was very grateful for that and as a result he wanted lots of cuddles and petting, so I laid in bed and provided that for half an hour.

My stomach was upset because of the fruit juice that I had just before I went to bed and I was forced to drink a glass of milk to settle it. That did help. I listened to an interesting political discussion on the radio and slowly drifted off to sleep. I won't get into the long, drawn out subject of the political discussion. A not so popular solution was found to solve a problem that could have ended the majority rule of the government. The opposition is digging in. Swords are being sharpened. There will be a debate. It will lead to nothing. 

That's not such an upbeat subject to blog about. Let's change it to something else. 

Contrary to what I thought, I don't have any appointments today, so today is a day off. I will do laundry and take a shower and wash my hair and generally try to stay out of trouble. I think I will go back to bed in a while and sleep some more. I have the feeling that I'm not quite done yet. I always do get sleepy after I've taken my morning medication anyway, which I just did. 
I can't drink another sip of coffee, I'm so full. My gastric band must have shifted, because lately I've been getting that feeling quickly. Or maybe I just don't handle coffee as well as I used to. I'll switch to milk and see if that makes any difference.

This is turning into a boring account of nothing special at all, so I'm going to end it now and go back to bed. 

Have a good morning!