Changes...

I'm putting together a slightly different instruction booklet to how I'm put together now which is different than how I was put together untill just yesterday. A change has taken place that I'm adjusting to and I'm in the process of getting used to myself. I suppose this adjustment will not happen overnight and will take some getting used to. I learn things about this new me as I go along and try not to be intimidated. Change is not bad and this comes from me who always saw security in things being the same and predictable.I now find that I'm willing to stick out my neck and embrace change. 

I must have reached a point in my life when a sudden spurt of inner growth is taking place. Maybe I have, unbeknown to me, reached a mile stone that is important. I'm ready to throw off some luggage and continue on my way less heavily packed. I've thrown overboard some notions that I thought I was sure of and am starting to take on a few new ones that weigh less. It's not a big chore to do this. It's happening almost as if by itself. 

I do have to guide myself in this process somewhat and give myself emotional support. and courage. When the going gets a little rough, I tell myself to hang in there, but many times the going is a pleasure. It's a journey of discovery. It's interesting to find out how I feel about things now that I have this different attitude. I find that I look at things in a new light and have actually changed my mind about a lot of them. I feel less restricted by negative emotions and more free to feel all embracing ones. More free to have emotions at all. 

That's what I need to get used to -  having emtions that cover the whole range. That's not easy when you're used to being cooped up in a little square box. I suppose that now my emotions are all sorts of shapes and don't fit in there any longer. 

It's with some amount of curiosity that I look forward to the day to see what sort of new challenges and situations it will bring me to try myself out in. I will not go out of the way of anything because they will all be new learning experiences.

Ciao,
Irene

In charge again...

Whatever was bothering me, has stopped doing so. It has stopped making me feel stressed and anxious and left me feeling relaxed and happier. It stopped this afternoon and I've been much pleased ever since. I've celebrated that with several cups of coffee and they in turn made me feel much better too, so it was a double joyful happening. I don't feel that anything can go wrong now. 

I'm enjoying this time as much as I can and am relishing the easiness of it. Hardly anything seems complicated anymore. Things I worried about before seem so benign in nature now. I laugh at the fact that I was intimidated by them earlier. I've certainly found my courage again. I guess you have to hit the bottom a bit before you bounce back up. Luckily, I didn't hit it too hard. 

It goes to show you that you mustn't get too caught up in your temporary moods. They may only be of short nature but you can spend a lot of that time worrying about things when all you need to do is wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, a person is never smart enough to realize that or maybe some people are very even natured and they don't go through these ups and downs so much. When attacked by stress, I do. 

It usually takes a good dose of realism to get me on the path of the straight and narrow again and that is where I am now. There aren't many bends in the road anymore. Before there were many twists and turns and the whole situation was unforeseeable. I felt I might miss a curve and get a fatal accident. Now I'm cruising along merrily and in charge again and I'm going along at the right speed. 

All this speaking in metaphores does not become me and I'll stop right now and get to reality on all fronts. 

I've just peeled an apple for the dog and he is very happily chowing down on it. Actually, he does eat it very delicately for a dog. He takes rather small bites as if he wants to make it last. He's always very disappointed when he's eaten it all and looks all over the place for bits and pieces. He eats to efficiently for there to be any.

The apartment is  clean and the dishes have been done. I'm ready for the weekend. All I have to do is change the bed and walk the dog. 

Have a good one.

Ciao,
Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.

Ciao,

http://irenesieders.typepad.com/irenes-dutch-diva-blog/

Dream a little dream of me...

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year. 

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind. 

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

At the danger of writing another dull post...

I'm a person who does learn her lessons the hard way and after writing a very dull post yesterday, I put myself in danger of writing another by trying to improve on it tonight. There are, of course, no guarantees and it is possible that I will hopelessly fail in my mission. That will be a double whammy then and I will never live it down. But I've got to take the chance because I can't live with the thought of failure. 

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is giving me, you could say, Dutch courage, although there is no alcohol in it. I'm not so foolish as to try that because, although it would loosen me up tremendously, it would also make me drunk and I certainly don't feel like being it. By all rights I should have a couple of beers, but I don't happen to have any and that's probably for the best. I don't like the after effects. 

I woke up with my T-shirt drenched in sweat and stood outside by the back door on the patio in order to cool off. The cold night air quickly did that while the dog went about his business. I could have stayed out there a while longer and really have gotten chilled to the point that I would have needed my bathrobe, but I'm still sitting here without it now. I'm radiating warmth and it's not cold in the apartment either. I must be having post menopausal hot flashes. 

The best thing to do now is have a glass of ice cold milk because it will not only freeze my frontal lobes, but also cool down my body. It's guaranteed to work. The coffee has straightened out my mind sufficiently and I can think clearly. It's nice to mess with my head and muddle it up with the coldness of the milk. It never ceases to effect me and give me a different experience. 

I wore two different outfits yesterday because I was not satisfied with what I was wearing initially. I delved into my closet and found something completely different, although I don't know why I bother because hardly anyone sees me. I must be practicing for a very active social life. The second outfit was put together of old and new elements and pleased me very much. I could have gone out on a date if I had wanted to, but I looked good enough to make myself happy. 

I'm waiting for my hair to grow back in so I can go to the hairdresser. I think I cut my bangs a little bit too short. I will have to wait a couple of weeks for them to catch up with the rest of my hair. It's very easy hair that I've got now and I hardly have to do anything to it when I get up. Isn't that what every woman wants? I just look a little bit too much like a hedgehog and I didn't want to look quite that cute. I do want to be taken seriously. I am, after all, a grown woman.

I can't go on the bathroom scale and trust the result it gives me. It is much too high and then tells me that it's an error, which I totally agree with. I think the battery is low and will have to be replaced. It's one of those complicated scales that wants to tell you everything including your date of birth when all I want to know is my weight. 

I don't know that right now, so I can only go by how my clothes fit me to know how well I'm doing. My skinniest jeans are a little big. I wash them regularly to shrink them, but as I wear them, they slide down my hips again. I do have hope, but I don't want all my clothes to get too big on me because I like them well enough and I don't have the money to replace them. I must make do with what I have. Does that seem like an odd sort of reasoning? 

I'm sufficiently cooled off now and have put on my bathrobe. I stood out by the back door again because the dog imagined that he had to go out again. I don't think he actually did anything there. I'm having another glass of cold milk because the first one tasted so good. The night can last a long time for all I care. It's very cozy here by the light of the desk lamp.

I will have to go to bed shortly because I do need more sleep, but I can sleep late in the morning. It's Saturday, after all. It's not going to be a warm day and I may not have the proper outfit for the cold, but I'll be tough and withstand it anyway. I do have to be a tough Northern European. At least I'm not in Scandinavia where it's snowing. 

I don't now if I've achieved my goal and managed not to write a dull post, but there you have it. It is a long one anyway. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing it. There has to be some satisfaction in that also. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the niddle of it...

I'm in the middle of doing chores and really don't have the time to sit down and write a post, but while the washing machine is churning away, I figured I could ignore the dishes and sit here for a bit. I can see the dishes from where I'm sitting behind the computer and I'm glancing at them as I write. I will not be intimidated by them. There are not that many of them and I'll have them done in no time. I'm saying this with all the courage I have in me at the moment and that is more than I had earlier in the day when I was more cowardly. 

I've done some chores already and did them more speedily than I had anticipated. I'm more efficient than I thought I was. Apparently I had put enough thought into it ahead of time that I went to work in an organized fashion and got them done in the shortest amount of time. Either that or I had them blown up in my mind to a size that was completely out of proportion to their actual size. I think the latter must have been the most true. I do worry about things ahead of time too much. 

I had one single sock in the dry laundry, but I know where the other one is. Tyke had stolen it and used it as a security blanket. It had floated around the living room for a few days. He had not chewed any holes in it and I finally took it away from him and put it in the next load of laundry. I'll have to give him an old sock that smells like me. I don't really know if I have one. He'll have to wait until I truly have an old sock. Maybe the next time I have a hole in the toe of one, but my socks seem so sturdy. They are industrial strength socks. 

I'm slowly reorganizing the bookcase in the bedroom and finding new places for all the things that Tyke shows the least bit of interest in. It means getting rid of things too. A lot of it is paperwork that needs to be better organized and it's a good reason to do that. I need to make a box with vital documents and have those safe in a cabinet where they are also handy. I used to have them in a file system, but it has fallen apart due to old age. You always have to decide what to keep for posterity and what can just go. It's also important to stay in the here and now. 

Tyke purposely rolls his tennis ball under the sofa and then stands beside it and barks so that I have to get the African walking stick and get the ball out from underneath. He's a little stinker. I saw him do the same thing with the ball and the CD rack. He'd get it stuck underneath there and couldn't get it out without my help, but he pushed it underneath there himself on purpose. He really made the effort to. That dog is much smarter than I give him credit for. 

Every time I think the washing machine is done, it goes and does something else. European washing machine sure take their time to run through all the cycles and I put it on a short program too. I want to dry the laundry tonight so that I can change my bed again soon. I have a shortage of pillow cases, because I use four at the time and I can't find the right size unless I go to Ikea. I haven't been there in a long time and I should talk my sister into going. 

I discovered the window in the spare bedroom was open and had been open for god knows how long. It does explain why it was getting so cold in here so quickly. One of the domestic helps must have opened it and I have a suspicion which one it was. I kept feeling a draft by my legs when I sat behind the computer, but I thought it was because of the cat flap. Since I closed it, it is a lot warmer in here and the heater hasn't gone on all day. It goes to show you how much energy I could have saved. I'm glad I discovered it before it got really cold again tonight. I would have turned up the heater with it open and have been none the wiser.

I think the washing machine is done and I will go hang up the laundry. It's dark outside and time to turn on the lights. It's time to be cozy and cuddle the animals. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Been there, done that...

With all the courage I could master, I went to the store this morning. I got on my bike and rode it there like it was a daily occurrence. In my head I had prepared myself for all the possible things that could go wrong, down to the finest details. I really was prepared for anything at all. Nothing happened on the way over there and I parked my bike and got a shopping cart without any problems., but that's because I was so well prepared, you see.

Once I was inside the store, all my anxiety dropped away from me like it always does. I enjoy being in the store and would stay there forever if I could, just shopping and having a general good time. I enjoy picking out the things that I need and comparing prices and finding new items. I found some really neat lighters that look like mobile phones with antennas and, of course, I had to buy them. They're big and easy to keep track of. 

After I went through the check out, I was outside with my groceries and had to load them in my bicycle bags and they just fit. I was a little nervous about riding my bike home, but it was not nearly as bad as having ridden it over there. I had the job more than halfway done, the rest was easy. I had some anxiety on the way home, but I made it safely there and wheeled my bike inside the hallway. Tyke was full of curiosity and so was Gandhi.

At the sight of the cans of dog food, Gandhi started to meow very loudly. She figured out immediately what was in them. I gave her some of a can and Tyke the rest. Gandhi ate as if she had been starved for three days. Tyke was more nonchalant than that. He's a cool dog. 

I spent the rest of the day in a coma, even though my personal helper was here and so was the domestic help. I did briefly wake up for my personal helper, but slept while the domestic help did her work. I had no choice, I was wiped out. It felt like I had done a day's worth of heavy labor and it was all just emotional exhaustion. I'm awake now with the help of coffee, but I could just as easily be asleep again. I will wait for the proper time tonight, though. 

And so you see. the saga of the grocery shopping does have a happy ending for me after all. It was like giving birth to an elephant through my head, but in the end I did it. I hope I don't have to do it again for a long time and if I do, I hope that somebody comes with me. I do feel injured, as if I've been in a battle, and I would have liked to have had the company of someone. I didn't realize it was going to be that difficult.

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I have to decide if I'm going to have another cup. I am still yawning and I think that's good. That means I can probably go to sleep when the time comes and hopefully stay asleep. I did buy extra milk today, so I can start drinking that. It will be a joy to. There's nothing better than a glass of cold milk, beside a good cup of coffee, that is.

I've got to walk the dog and take my medicines. There's always some schedule to stick to. Have a good evening. It's only cold here. No rain. 41F. 

Ciao,
Nora

Stress-less.

I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don't mean Tyke by that. I couldn't find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I'm to survive in one piece.

At the suggestion of someone very smart, I've asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It's a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.

This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn't go to the post office. It was beyond me and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can't just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I'm short of.

The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I'm going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I'm still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.

I've just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It's funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can't think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don't drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It's a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don't know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.

The tranquilizers are working properly now and I'm not filled with anxiety anymore. I'm actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He's now lurking in the foothills.

Suddenly things don't seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It's even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I've gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it's a shame when I don't have the concentration to read. I haven't even been able to watch television.

Tyke's having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It's one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He's just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.

Well, you've been witness to a metamorphosis. I've gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,
Nora

On the road again...

I went to bed early last night and took some extra tranquilizers and managed to sleep through the night, which was very pleasant and something I needed to do. It felt very good to fall into a sound sleep and to wake up refreshed and not tired anymore. Initially I only had one reheated cup of coffee, but I just decided to make a fresh pot, so that I will be ready to take care of some much needed to do chores and get those out of the way while it is still early in the day. I have to take advantage of the momentum and the courage that I still have early in the morning, before all of the anxiety hits me. I have to pay bills and get some packages ready for the mail and then actually go to the post office to mail them. That will be the real test of my courage.

It's terrible not to know where your mood is going to take you on a day. I am rather insecure right now and unsure of how I will be able to pull things off. I'm going to act as if everything is okay and I can do whatever comes my way without the least amount of trouble, but that's not how it feels inside. I feel like I should perform some magic ritual to make to outcome more sure and to make myself more steady. If I drink just the right amount of coffee and smoke just the right amount of cigarettes, maybe everything will turn out right. Of course, I should also take my medicines on time and not a minute too late or too early.

I have turned on the day light therapy lamp just in case that's going to alleviate my mood some. I hope it helps and I will use it for a while and see if it makes a difference. I should know after a few days if it does.

Tyke is sound asleep on the sofa and has not let me know yet that he needs to go for a walk. He is snoring just a little bit and it sounds very cozy. Gandhi is asleep in the armchair, my favorite chair to sit in, but she's welcome to it for now. I'll be sitting behind the computer for a while yet. I can pay all the bills on line. At least those are the conveniences of these modern times. Thank goodness for them.

The day is starting. The paper delivery person has just come by. It is the first noise I've heard this morning. He does ride on an irritating sounding scooter. What a way to wake up the neighborhood.

I think I will walk Tyke first and pay the bills next. It will be good to get some fresh air while it is still relatively quiet outside and the traffic hasn't started up yet. It's just beginning to become dawn.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Back at it again...

I just got called by someone from the clinic to tell me that I can start my creative class Wednesday afternoon. I could also go on Monday afternoon, but I explained that I have my domestic help here then. I was told to try and make a different arrangement with the person who leads the class. At any rate, they are trying to give me two afternoons, so that's not bad. I asked for two classes and they are willing to give them to me if there is space.

I am worried about going to the class, because I'm in that kind of a mood again. I feel very insecure and rather depressed. I'm frankly not doing so well and what I want to do more than anything is crawl away in a corner and never come out. That won't do, though, and I do try to function up to some point. I worry about having to take care of things and not being able to and I find myself postponing what I think is unpleasant and difficult. My courage is lacking.

Needless to say, I'm smoking again. All I was doing anymore is lie in bed and sleep. It was a depressing existence, but I knew no other way to survive. Any time I was up, all I could think about were cigarettes and how much I wanted to smoke. I fled to bed to escape the thoughts of them. I thought I was going to manage that way, but I was wrong.

What I really need is for someone to come and take care of some of the more difficult things now, but I'm afraid that I have to take care of them myself. I'll give myself today to recuperate, but I hope that tomorrow I have my act together better.

I'm going to lie down now and listen to the radio. It's the least uncomplicated thing I can think of. It's safe too.

Ciao,
Nora

Inspiration...

That's what I'm hoping for on this chilly Monday morning. Yes, the week is about to start again and we must get ready for all the inevitable events to take place, starting today with the visit of the domestic help. Oh, hurray! She'll be here this afternoon and that will give me time to clean my desk and put away the clean dishes and scrub the sink and also the toilet bowl with the toilet brush that I've been pointedly told needs replacing. Hrmph...I've not been to the store yet to do this and don't know when I will. It's hard to get out when you're basically a recluse.

Tyke and I went for our walk this morning and for an April day it was cold outside. The sky was overcast and there was a cold wind blowing. You wouldn't think this was springtime, well yes, springtime in the Netherlands, of course. I don't see any happy flowers blooming to cheer up the place, or I must be blind. I think there should be daffodils out now and I don't seem to see any, but maybe I live a sheltered life and I'm not in the right places. I haven't seen any tulips yet either.

My psychiatrist called me this morning and officially took me off the welbutrin and increased my effexor just a bit and that should be it. I should be on the dose now that is going to sustain me and I certainly hope that this is the case, because I don't want to take any more than this. Now I am taking half of what I used to take and I think that is just perfect and an acceptable amount. And, of course, I'm not taking the other extra antidepressant anymore, so that is only good news. Less is more. I don't know if that applies in this case, but lets run with it. I do know that this afternoon I feel good and I haven't had the welbutrin and I did have a double dose of effexor. Maybe that is just all in my mind and wishful thinking (suggestive thinking). Either way, I feel good and that's the way I like it.

The domestic help is here now dusting the living room, actually doing more than that as she's also doing the woodwork, which is more than I would do if I were cleaning the place. She's a hard worker. She cleans things the Dutch way and I clean things the French way, that's what we say here, and guess which way is best? The French did leave their influence here when they ruled the country in the late 18th century. Yes, every once in a while we get run over by a foreign power. It's been a while now, thank goodness. Not long enough to forget, though.

I will have to take Tyke for a walk when she gets ready to vacuum. Tyke won't mind that one bit. He's all for walks, as many as possible and he'll drag you all over the place. All 11 kilos of him. He's a strong dog with powerful legs. I really have to pull hard to get him to go in my direction. It's a real tug of war. This morning he managed to drag me all over the field to the other side, because he was on the trail of something. That reminds me that yesterday we saw a little chihuahua and Tyke wanted to play with it, but the poor animal took a flying leap every time Tyke got close. It was very scared and barked in a high pitched voice. It was kind of cute, but I wouldn't want a dog that was so scared, though. That's why I like Tyke, he's got guts, even when confronted with a big Newfoundlander.

Well, I have to end this now. I have to hang up the laundry to dry and put the dry laundry away. I do have to look a little industrious. I can't sit here like the lady of the house and only do leisurely things.

P.S. I take back everything I said about the flowers. I just took Tyke for a walk in a different neighborhood and I saw all sorts of flowers, including daffodils and tulips and lots of other flowers that I don't know the names of.

Have a great day,

Ciao

Nora.

Rain...

It's always like I try to erase one confessional post with another less confessional one, so I will look better in your eyes because I momentarily feel better. Because I feel conflicted about this, I start writing the other post, but take a very long time doing it, so it won't look like I'm too eager. I do have some sense of decorum. It's really silly that I bother going through all of this, but it's a compulsion in me that drives me to do it. It's probably a symptom of what's wrong with me, but it hasn't been described maybe in the DSM. Compulsively writing blog posts. Obsessive compulsive behavior. There you go. It has been after all, like the woman who sprinkled powdered sugar on her furniture. She couldn't stop herself either.

It's very hard to have something wrong with you. To know that you don't quite function as well as the average person does. That you come with an instruction booklet and that it needs to be read nearly every day and that if other people won't read it, you still have to read it yourself and I will tell you the truth, I don't think I will get off all of my medications. I think I need some of them. Not in huge quantities, but enough to help me function. I think I may go off the deep end if I were not to have them. I think getting off all my medications was a pipe dream and a lot of wishful thinking and very misguided. It's because some of us want to believe that I'm really a healthy person that we want me off the medication, but the truth is that I'm not and we better face up to that. If I'm going to be successful, it's going to have to be with medication. I'm a nut without it.

Well, there you go, we had another confessional. I don't stop, do I? That's because I do all my thinking on my blog. This is where I get everything straightened out. I talk circles around myself and finally find my way to where I'm supposed to be. Which is just a few steps ahead of where I started off. There is progress. I must remember to do things for myself, though, and not for other people, no matter how much I love them and want to make them happy. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot, but not everything. So much depends on me being able to deal with things and to have courage and self confidence. There's nothing worse than feeling out and out fear for the most ordinary events in life.

The computer is murmuring to itself again, no doubt looking for another update. The delivery boy from the pharmacy just came by to deliver some drugs, important ones that I can't do without. I was almost out of some of them and didn't realize it on time, so it was an emergency delivery. That sounds like I gave birth. I do in my dreams. Sometimes I have babies, as if by a miracle. It would be physically impossible for me, but in my dreams I can. I dream it quite often, but I think it symbolizes me giving birth to new aspects of myself. I'm hardly pregnant in my dreams and always surprised that I'm about to give birth. All the babies look like me, but one time I dreamed that I put my son back inside myself for safekeeping. I had a zipper in my torso because he was so big. Don't I wish I could have done that.

It started raining a while ago and at first it came down in buckets with a hard wind blowing too. It's only 7C outside and I have the heater turned up. It's still not springtime here, except for that one perfect day we had when I thought it was almost too warm. At least we don't have snow like some people still have. We are spared that and I did see some daffodils but they had been planted, so they didn't count. The jasmine bush is getting green buds and so is the prickly bush whose name I don't know by the clothes line. The rest looks bare. The Golden Rain is showing no action at all and should have been pruned this spring, but I'm not the woman to do it. I don't have the equipment. I think some man needs to haul his butt over here and do it. One with biceps, who also needs to fix the little gate that is falling apart in the fence. The one who uses it exclusively and keeps ignoring the problem. I will very tactfully point that out.

I've solved the problem with the anger issue with the Welbutrin. Instead of taking my antipsychotics all at once before I go to bed, I now take them spread during the day and I notice that it takes the edge off quite a bit. I took one in the afternoon and one when I took my medicines at 6 pm and I feel a lot better. Tomorrow I will take them at breakfast, lunch and dinner when I take my other medications. We'll see how much better I do.

And now for some Brie and Camembert.

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

Yes, we have no bananas...

It's snowing again, but it's the kind of snow that's almost rain, or frozen mist. It's very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren't too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don't get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven't decided what they are yet.

I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn't drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won't have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There's no need to make myself crazy about that today.

My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he's cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.

I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn't as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I'm ready, but during the final minutes he's very alert and he watches me like a hawk.

The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn't think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.

The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn't come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.

It's snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that's underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don't deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.

I'm waiting for the day when I'll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I'm waiting for that to happen again. It's like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I'll have courage again and passion. I'm living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.

Other than that, it's not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don't know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.

Well, I'll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it's almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.

Alright. I'm going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don't know what he wants. We have been out and now he's trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

The impossible...

I have put my coat on twice to get on my bicycle to go to the store and both times I have taken it off and hung it back on the coat rack, because the courage to go escaped me. Every once in a while I call my sister to see if she's home, because I know she was planning on going grocery shopping after she came back from Italy. She's not home yet and she may get in quite late and I don't think I should count on her, because she may stop by the store on her way home. Feeling quite desperate, I called the Exfactor and told him my problem, and he promised to go to the store for me tomorrow, because I realized that tomorrow is the first Sunday of the month and all the stores are open. This has caused me to relax quite a bit and I no longer sit here like someone who feels like her heart is being squeezed out of her chest.

It is pretty awful, though, that this fear has me in its grip so very much and that I can't do a thing about it, even though I think I know the origin of it. I feel that every time I even contemplate going to the store, there is a little kid in me screaming not to do it and the little kid wins. It's almost like a phobia and asking me to go to the top floor of a very tall building and to look over the edge. I'm incapable of doing that also. I would become immobilized by fear. At least knowing that the grocery store is open tomorrow settles me down some, because I know that one way or another I will get my groceries.

I haven't taken any extra medication, because I don't have that much to go around and I want to save it for when I really have to go by myself and there is no other way out. I wish I could walk to the store and get what I need, somehow that would be less bad, I think, because I feel like a moving target on my bike, but I can't carry that many things back with me and the milk is heavy.

Alright now, it is time for me to calm down and take a deep breath and relax. Basically the problem is solved until the next time, and then I will find a solution again.

I think I'll go wash the dishes now. I've been too nervous to do them and now would be the right time. It would give me something useful to do and feel good about. I also need to eat. I mustn't forget that.

It's always something, isn't it?

Ciao,
Nora

2010 Finally!

I'm so glad it is the new year now and a new decade. I am a firm believer in new beginnings and this really feels like one. Basically, I'm an optimist and I assume the best will happen and that is how I look at this coming year. I assume that good things will happen in it and that whatever happens it will come to a good end, even if it has a less than good beginning. I am bound and determined to see the glass half full, if not completely full at times. I feel there will be no end to the possibilities that will come my way and I will meet every opportunity head on.

Oh, see how brave I sound! I must have something extra in my coffee this morning. I'm full of good intentions and I think that's half the work. I don't know if my willpower will be half as great, but I hope that my courage will not forsake me. I'm chicken little who cries that the sky will come falling down sometimes, but I'm also a brave trooper when it is necessary and I can move mountains if I have to. The cause has to be the right one, that's all.

I wasn't so brave last night when I sat here by myself waiting for it to be midnight. I felt kind of sorry for myself, because there would be nobody to kiss me at midnight when all the fireworks went off. I quickly got over that when I got involved watching a fun program on television and forgot about time passing and before I knew it, it was 12 o'clock and I wished myself a Happy New Year. Then all the fireworks went off and the cats went into hiding and I put on my pajamas and waited to go to bed when things had quieted down again. That took about 45 minutes and the cats reappeared and we all went to bed.

Now it literally is the morning of a brand new day and I'm full of good spirits. Not only is it a brand new day, it is a brand new year and that promises something. I'm very curious to see what will happen in it. I wonder if everybody is as full of good intentions as I am. I suppose people are, you can't help yourself, can you? It is kind of exciting to stand at the beginning of a new decade. People must have all sorts of resolutions, although I don't have any as such to keep myself bound to. I just have a general sort of attitude that I hope to carry far into the new year with me. It's better than having a birthday, because today everybody starts afresh. Today the whole world is one big tribe.

It literally is a load of my mind to start this new year. I feel like I've had a very good session of therapy. I was down in the dumps yesterday and felt unable to write a post. I slept a lot and was very tired all day. The events of the past days had really gotten to me and I felt worn out from them and slightly contaminated, as if I had been in contact with something toxic. I was not proud of my own role in them and as time wore on, I could better see what my own mistakes had been. I could more objectively look at the situation and realize that I had been looking for love in the wrong place. The fact that I allowed myself to look for it is an amazing thing to me, because I thought I had sworn it off and here it was clutching me in its claws again.

Even though I don't think of myself as an unattractive woman, I don't think of myself as someone somebody could fall in love with. I see too many flaws in myself to make that a possibility. I think I'm okay at arm's length, but not any closer than that. It was nice to contemplate the possibility that I was wrong and it awakened a little flame in me and made it grow bigger. Now, obviously, this was awakened by the wrong person, but that was just bad timing. The fact is, that suddenly I felt very female and attractive and I haven't felt that way in a long time. It was nice to have that feeling again, even though it turned out only to be an illusion. It has given me some hope for the future. Maybe some day I will feel this way again and it will be with the right person and it will not be an illusion.

Well, I have to get dressed and walk the dog. He is very impatient. It is -1C outside and cloudy and we are supposed to get some snow.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora