How to survive...

I'm afraid I have to conclude that I'm depressed. It doesn't actually surprise me all that much after all that rapid cycling I have done lately. I've gone up and down too much for it to have left me unaffected. Now I'm caught on the way down and I'm not done going down even more. It's a miserable situation. 

Two hours ago I still had some hope, but I've since given up on that. I thought I saw a bright shiny light, but I don't see it anymore now. To me things seem pretty bleak. I wear my depression like a darkened cloak that makes me invisible to the world. I think I can do whatever I want and it will make no difference. 

I had not planned on feeling this way, but somehow I almost welcome it because it is at least a familiar mood and I know how to function under the circumstances. I know what to expect and I know what I will be doing about it. I know all the pitfalls and I know how to navigate them. It's like wearing old worn out shoes. They fit me to a T. 

I feel a certain amount of indifference toward the rest of the world now that I feel this way. I can't be bothered how the rest of mankind reacts to me. I don't care about that. I'll very selfishly be depressed and only care about my own comfort while I am. I can't worry about how other people feel about that. It's not up to me to be concerned about it.

It's much easier than I thought not to care and to focus on myself. It certainly simplifies things. There's something to be said for turning inward and finding your salvation there. It's almost like being a monk and rejecting all that's worldly. 

I won't have to chase happiness or artificially pretend to be joyful. It will be a relief to be released from those duties. I won't have to waste my energy on them. And I won't have to apologize for not being them. Depressed people are allowed not to be happy and joyful. They can be burdens if you constantly have to be them and you're not in the mood. 

I will now go about this business of being depressed and see what I make of it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Still crazy after all these years...

Because I must be fighting a virus, I take naps at every opportunity in my armchair and on the sofa. They happen quite spontaneously and are completely unplanned. I just drift off on the spot and wake up in the most uncomfortable positions. But I'm always more alert and refreshed than I was beforehand so apparently I need them. My headache is a bit better today, but I'm still taking the paracetamol and it's helping a lot.

The bedroom furniture was delivered this afternoon in not too many individual packages so it looks like it's not going to be that much work to put it together. That is a bit of a relief. I had been a bit concerned about that because I have to ask the Exfactor to help me put it together. Although he is very handy, I don't want it to be too complicated. I want the whole business to go as easy as possible. I don't want fixing up the spare bedroom to become a frustrating experience.

I'm very thisty and am drinking one glass of ice cold milk after the other. It's like I can't get enough of it, although they're bloating my stomach. I so very much feel like having very cold things to drink. I don't have any ice cubes or I would make cold lemonade, although that is a little bit too sweet. My older sister and I are both hooked on cold milk. We seem to love dairy products, pudding, yogurt, buttermilk. The last one would taste very good right now. I do like the sour taste of it.

I've not done any interesting things today, but I think I can be excused. Getting through the day without too much of a headache is enough of an achievement. I thought I was rather down when I started the day, but it was probably because of not feeling well and needing to sleep. A physical ailment can make you feel down too. 

I feel that I'm all done rapid cycling. I don't get halleluja moods anymore. I'm glad about that. I know myself better this way. I'm on familiar grounds now.

I hope you're all having a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Delaying tactics...

I was already laying in bed when I realized I wasn't really tired and couldn't fall asleep. I was just basically laying there for the coziness and to listen to the radio. I decided those were not good enough reasons to stay in bed and got up again and put my bathrobe on. I will try again later when I'm truly sleepy. When I really, really want to go to bed. 

Now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I'm not going to make the mistake I made last night and drink a pot of it. I will switch to a glass of milk on time so as not to get too wired and cause myself a sleepless night. I learned that lesson the hard way and I don't want a repeat of the day I had today in which I rapid cycled. That was no pleasure. Luckily, I was able to fix that with some extra anti-psychotic medication when I finally thought of it. 

I'm fine now and I'm calm again, although I have to say that everything is precarious and I'm aware of that now and I realize that I mustn't push my luck. I have a tendency to do everything to extremes and I mustn't do that. I will not stay up until the wee hours and do complicated things that require a lot of mental energy and emotional input. The desire is there, but I will have to ignore it and not give into it. I want each night to be an adventure in contrast to my relatively dull days. 

I have to be my own guardian and monitor my own behavior and do the things that are sensible, much as I don't like to do them sometimes. It's so much nicer to give into an impulsive idea and let it happen and not think about the consequences. Today should have been a lesson to me that I should not forget and I can't pretend that it wouldn't happen again the same way. It's no laughing matter when you get suicidal thoughts because you're rapid cycling. 

I have a great desire to keep playing with the design and names of my blogs. I think possibly I'm not satisfied enough with the way things are now. I think they are too tame and ordinary. I'm striving for a form of perfection without knowing if I will achieve it. I can't leave well enough alone. It must represent a basic dissatisfaction I have with my life that I'm projecting onto my blogs. If my blogs are perfect, my life will be too. 

It's a small psychological insight that's not going to help me much. It's not going to get me over my urge and desire. Only some amount of sensibility is and sometimes that is hard to find. When it is nighttime anyway. At night I always have great desires and lots of plans. It's when my head is in the clouds and my feet aren't firmly planted on the ground.

It's not quite bedtime yet. I don't yet feel the urge to go to sleep. I want to prevent myself from waking up in the middle of the night because then I'll really be in trouble. The Exfactor is going to be here in the morning to do the groceries and I have appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN early in the afternoon, so I have to be in good shape.

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

One more time...

It started to rain this morning and it wouldn't stop. I finally had to make a decision to go out in it, because I needed tobacco and I wanted to get some things for Tyke at the pet shop. I put on my hooded coat and out we went in the drizzle. Tyke didn't mind one bit and soon was one wet curly bundle of fur. When he gets wet he looks like he's just had a permanent.

I got him some interesting things to chew on at the pet shop, including a big dried soup bone that you could hit someone over the head and knock them out with. He doesn't quite know what to do with that, but he does know what to do with the beef jerky sticks that I bought, one of which he is eating now.

At noontime it had stopped raining for awhile and my sister called to ask if I wanted to go and walk the dogs. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to try and let Tyke off the leash, which I had never done. I walked over to my sister's house and we set the dogs loose on the big field in front of her house. I was very curious about what Tyke would do and half expected him to take off, but he did no such thing.

He liked the freedom and ran around, but kept coming back to us. It was fun to see him run around freely and enjoy himself. We walked all the way around the field and the dogs followed us and Tyke did as if he always had. When it was time to go back on the leash again, I crouched down and he came running to me. So that was pretty painless.

Because he's so low to the ground, he always gets very wet from the grass and his paws and the lower half of him are sopping wet when it has rained. It's difficult to get him dry and all day long he walks around being damp. Wherever he lies down, there is a damp place, so you have to be careful where you sit down. Luckily, he lies down most often on the coffee table, so that's no problem and the cushions on the sofa have a sheet over them, so that spot dries fairly quick too. You do have to warn people that you have a damp dog, though, in case it surprises them.

When we came home from the field, I realized I was very tired and laid down in bed and soon was asleep. I woke up a few hours later to go to the toilet, but I wasn't ready to be up yet and went back to sleep. I finally woke up at 6:30 pm and was completely over my tiredness and felt ever so much better. Sleep, or the lack of it, can make or break you. I seem to be enormously sensitive to this and can go from very depressed to alright just depending on how much sleep I've had. Lack of sleep can mess up my mood very much and the first thing I need to do when I feel bad is find out if I'm overtired, which I quickly am. I rapid cycle if I'm overtired and I don't do myself any favors by staying up.

I just walked Tyke for the last time today and it was chilly outside. It has stopped raining, but it is still cloudy. It's not the kind of weather that was predicted. I'm about ready with the rain now and am in the mood for some sunshine. I don't mind if it's not so warm, but I do miss the sun. It has peeked through the clouds a few times and it looked promising, but it disappeared again each time.

Saturday is always a little bit of a lost day. I usually don't accomplish much and I seem to save my chores for Sundays. The laundry is still in the washing machine and it has been for three days now, I think. I will have to hang it up tomorrow. I also have to sweep the living room and the kitchen and do the dishes. At least the weekends aren't the awful wastes of time that they used to be. I may waste time, but it doesn't feel like it. The days go by quickly and before I know it, it is Monday again.

No matter how you look at it, the weekend is a break from the busy week, even though I don't have a job to go to. I feel the same as anybody else and as if I'm on a break on Saturdays and Sundays. I feel more carefree and less responsible, when in reality I'm probably not. Less responsible, I mean. I'm still in charge of all the same things I am during the week. My main charge, of course, being the animals who completely depend on me. It's good for me. It makes me less self centered and less self occupied. It prevents me from too much navel staring and hibernating.

It's time for the World Cup Football, people! The Netherlands is playing its first game against Denmark on Monday. I'll be watching it.

Ciao,
Nora

Let me tell you...

Toward the morning I went to bed and fell asleep within seconds after I laid down. Apparently I was very tired after all and I had just been putting off going to bed. Whatever stubborn streak that was in me I don't know, but it sure didn't come in handy, because I probably could have gone to bed much sooner if I hadn't subconsciously insisted on staying awake. I woke up 4 hours later, refreshed and ready to start the day, although once I was actually up, I did realize that I needed a cup of coffee, because I had some trouble making cigarettes for myself, something I should be able to do blindfolded. I managed to make 5 cigarettes before I gave up and made myself some coffee.

My computer gave me some trouble with starting up and it was making a lot of noise as if it was busy doing a lot of important things that were all a mystery to me. It would not start up the email program and when it finally did, it didn't react and it had to be shut down in a complicated way that took much time. Then it told me there were updates that needed to be installed. so maybe it had been looking for them. The updates are now installed, but I wasted a good hour doing all these things. Grumble! I don't like Windows Vista all that much. It's too cumbersome. It's still mumbling to itself and I don't know why. It should be nearly silent now. I may have gotten a white elephant, but with a lot of gigabytes, I do have to give you that.

I may have gone through a rapid cycle and have been hypomanic during the night, until I got a hold of myself and managed to get out of it. I'll have to tell my SPN about it when I see her this afternoon and make sure she realizes that it's over now and has been since early this morning. It certainly was an odd experience, especially the way I kept writing posts as if I could not stop myself. It was all a prelude to madness. Well, it's done now and I'm glad. I wasn't as comfortable and happy as I was claiming to be. There was a certain amount of messianic mania to it. It had me tottering in a high place. For those of you who were worried, you had good reason to be. It could easily have gotten out of hand.

I will finish writing this post when I've seen my SPN. That will prevent me from having to write two posts.

--------------------

Apparently the computer triggers my manic behavior, I become obsessed with it and I can feel the obsession grow already now as I write this. The later in the day it gets, the more my obsession grows, until there's hardly any stopping it and I must write almost constantly and get all my messages across, harmless as they start out to be. As I write more and more I seem to be somebody on a soapbox who is announcing evangelical messages. It seems to be that way to me, anyway. I'm afraid of what profound things I'm going to declare next.

A sane person would say, turn of the computer, but I'm not able to. It's impossible for me to do that. I would feel completely cut off from the most important thing in my life. It goes on first thing in the morning and it goes out last thing at night. I don't know how that is for you people, but for me it seems like an addiction, especially now that I have a new computer. I can't not turn it on.

I'm writing this post now and it has a certain mood to it, so there's not much I can do about it, except try to lighten it, but it seems impossible to do that. So to offset this post that is set in this mood, I will feel the need to very quickly write another post that is set in another mood. A happy go slappy mood. At least, that's what I would attempt. And one post would follow the other until I got it right and we were back to the messianic mania again.

It is important that this does not get out of hand tonight, because my medication will need to be adjusted. I don't want to take too much at the risk of being too hyper to go to sleep and sitting here obsessively writing posts. I don't want me to get out of hand.

Okay, I just had my SPN on the phone, and she had a consultation about my medication with my psychiatrist, and I'm to cut the Welbutrin by half and increase my antipsychotic medicine temporarily. So, I'm not imagining things and I am being taken seriously and I think they are doing the right things. I'm not happy about increasing the antipsychotic, but since it's only temporarily, I'll go along with it. I will now be taking the amount of Welbutrin that ordinary people also start with and not double the amount hat I had insisted on at the risk of becoming manic. It only gets increased if it doesn't work at the original dose.

Well, that's good, I'm being pro-active and that makes people help you figure things out. Everybody puts on their thinking caps and helps you work out the problem. People who know about medication and how it works.

Ciao,
Nora

A fool for love...

Well, I'm not a fool for love, necessarily, unless you count my love for writing posts. I write so many posts that people don't get the opportunity to comment on them. So, please go to this post for the latest news on the visit with my psychiatrist.

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but then I couldn't find that email address of that person I was talking about earlier, so I looked through all my older comments until I found one by her and got her email address that way. It was a lot of work and it kept getting later and pretty soon I was past that crucial time of going to sleep. I had stopped yawning and was wide awake again, but it is my experience that writing a post at this time of the night is sleep inducing and that very often I don't even have to finish it before I'm ready to go to bed and can just delete it. Probably that will be the case tonight too.

It was strange to go through those old comments. Of course, I didn't stop and read every one of them, I was just looking for a name, but every once in a while one caught my attention and I read it and was reminded of what it was in reaction to and what I noticed the most is that I went through an awful lot of ups and downs and that they followed each other rapidly. One moment I was okay and the next moment I wasn't. I see now how totally unacceptable that was and how it never should have happened, but how could it have been stopped? I was rapid cycling constantly, it seemed, and somehow I kept on functioning as if that was normal. Well, except for the infamous suicide attempt. I certainly don't want that to happen anymore and expect my moods to be regular now and steady.

I had my 4th cup of coffee, but didn't finish it all. I wish I could find a good decaf and I would drink that instead. I'm going to have to look around at what's available and see if there's a good brand of decaf. Even if it is expensive, it would be worth the money. I like the taste of a cup of Senseo and could easily be fooled by a good cup of decaf. To me that would taste like the real thing and be just as satisfying.

I had momentarily lost my dog and didn't realize he was lying under the desk. I didn't see him anywhere. He is sound asleep and so quiet. When I don't see him, I get a little feeling of panic as I think an accident has befallen him and he is lying somewhere injured, because he's always getting into things. Usually I think he has choked to death on something he has tried to eat that was not edible. It's just like having a toddler in the house. He swallows everything that he thinks is small enough. I just hope it all comes out at the other end. I don't care to look for it specifically to see if it did.

Gandhi is playing it safe and has just about taken up permanent residence on the dining table. Right she is. That pesky dog can't bother her there. She's lying on the open phone book now that I needed yesterday and left out for her, as she seems to think it is comfortable. Anything to accomodate a cat, really.

The cats like their kibbles better from the ceramic bowl than they did from the metal dishes and also prefer their water from a ceramic bowl and it has to be as fresh as possible. That's why I set it in the sink, so new water can be added all the time. Toby still likes water straight from the faucet and Gandhi still prefers cold milk. Don't you love cats that come with an instruction booklet? It makes life interesting. Tyke eats his food from a ceramic dish and drinks his water from a metal bowl and it needs to be refreshed every day at least once. It's a big bowl for a little dog.

I'm sufficiently yawning now, no doubt induced by writing this post, although I hope that reading it will not have the same effect on you. If so, please go to the other more interesting post, or the one before that. Take your pick. I will go put on my PJs now and take my medicines and sit here until I get really drowsy, until I fall of my chair. I'll probably curl up next to Tyke under the desk.

Sleep tight!

Ciao,
Nora

There are other things in life...

I took a three hour long nap this afternoon. That goes to show you how short of sleep I was. I do have to admit that I took 10 mg of temazepam to steady my nerves, because they became slightly unhinged at about 3 pm like they used to in the olden days when I was still married. Three o'clock in the afternoon seems to be the magic hour for that. That's when whatever I was holding together becomes undone and I become frazzled.

It's a good time to go to sleep, and you will all remember the sign I used to have that said something like, "This is a Rapid Cycle, Go to Sleep Now." I don't know what's become of it. I never did find it again after the Exfactor moved out. Maybe I thought I wouldn't need it anymore and threw it out. I did blame him for my daily rapid cycles, because I got them usually around the time he came home in the afternoon. Now I just seem to have rapid cycles all on my own, without any body's help. That's a pretty good trick.

I have to pay better attention to these things, because I think this has been going on for a while. I always seem to forget the most important bits of information about myself. Knowledge that I have and that seems to get lost in the vagueness of my mind, but that's very crucial to understanding myself. I don't always feel a certain way. I feel certain ways sometimes and not all the time. I go from elation to despair and back again repeatedly and I have to remember that, otherwise I'll ignore my whole realm of feelings and claim that the whole 24 hours were one and the same thing when they were not.

Anyway, Tyke behaved beautifully while I was asleep and I can only surmise that he takes the lead from Jesker. I thought he might get into all sorts of trouble, but he didn't. He was happy when I woke up, but then so was Jesker, and I both let them out back for a piddle. I cleaned up the patio and now have a lot of mulch in the flowerbed and Tyke has decided to poop there, which is good fertilizer. The only thing I have growing there is the nearly out of control winter blooming Jasmine and nothing can kill it. I did invest in some large plastic bags, so one thing I can do is clean up the flowerbed regularly. I really don't think the dog poop is going to compost that quickly and it will turn into a mess in no time.

One thing I'm finding out tonight is that Tyke is a sex maniac and wants to have sex with everything and everybody. Even the cats aren't safe. Now I will have to look into having him neutered, so I better start saving my money for that. The hormones must be raging through his body.

Well, if you missed the photos of the dogs go here. I'm going to get ready for bed. It's been a long and exciting day, believe it or not.

Have a good night!

Ciao.

Bouncing back...

I seem not to be bouncing back as well as I initially thought I was. I thought I could get through the hurt quickly and leave it behind me and move on. Instead, I find myself rapid cycling and I have to go to bed when it strikes and go to sleep until it passes and when I get up hours later it usually has. The problem is that it happens again after I've been up for awhile and I have to repeat the process all over again. I have just gotten up and hope that I can finish this post now and maybe be spared another round of it.

The days all look alike and I am not doing anything out of the ordinary. I have not been to creative therapy all week, causing phone calls from concerned therapists and promises that I will show up. Usually, in the morning, I am too defeated to go and I go back to bed and sleep some more, an hour or three anyway. I also sleep in the afternoon and in the evening and then at night, of course.

The Exfactor has been by twice this week to check on me, which I really appreciate. Yesterday he did the groceries for me, thank goodness. I would not have been able to do them myself. He's been a good friend without taking advantage of the situation.

It's funny how your moods have a mind of their own and there's nothing much you can do about them. You can't tell yourself to get over them and to keep a stiff upper lip and to not give into them. They come as they like, just like a storm does, and you can do nothing to stop them except to go to sleep. When you're in a mood like that, you can be very destructive and ruin many good relationships, because you're so aggressive and angry. You also feel like breaking up the furniture and throwing with things, so you can see why going to sleep is such a better alternative. You feel most unkind and want to take that out on people who are just innocent bystanders and have done nothing to deserve your anger. Manic dysphoria that's called and it isn't pretty.

I have just talked to my psychiatrist and was able to get my story across in the least amount of words and he is sending a prescription for 10 mg Temazepam to the pharmacy so I can take those during the day and sleep when I need to. All I had to mention was rapid cycling and manic dysphoria and he knew what I was talking about. It's nice if you can use the right terminology. It gets the message across better and clearer. I feel better for having talked to him, so he knows what's going on with me. You do get a tendency to feel awfully alone when your psychiatric symptoms rear their ugly head.

I just walked the dog. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but there's a cold wind blowing and it's 10C outside. That's not all that cold, 50F, but the wind makes it feel colder. It's actually nice weather for the time of year. We could have been having snow flurries now. Thank goodness we're spared those. It's supposed to get up to 14C today and tomorrow it's even supposed to get as warm as 16C. The weather is confused and I have that tree growing in a pot that's still putting out little leaves. It's in the sunshine nearly all day and must think it's supposed to do this now. I have another teeny tree growing in another pot, but it's not doing much. I think it needs a little bit of encouragement. It's not getting enough sun and I will transplant it to a pot in the sun with more soil in it.

Right, add that to all the other little chores I have left to do and am not getting around to right now. I will one of these days. The timing is just not right now. Not when I spend so much time sleeping. I hardly get around to reading blog posts, I must try and get caught up on those. I've gotten five books this past week and still have not made room for them on the bookcase, so I must try and do that today. "Try" is the operational word here. I don't make myself any promises and I don't set any deadlines.

I've watered the plants, but two of them dropped a lot of their little leaves, I think I may have waited to long and then over watered them. The fig plant is indestructible as ever and so is the prayer plant. The plants on the kitchen windowsill are doing fine, they get filtered sunlight and seem happiest. I have to transplant one of them to a bigger pot with better soil, but that is another one of those chores that I'm not getting around to, having no deadlines.

I didn't wear my glasses for a day for the sake of vanity and the next day I had very sore eyes. So, that was a very clear and short lived experiment. It's good to have the cause and effect clear immediately. There was no doubt about it. Now I'm wearing my glasses again dutifully and my eyes aren't bothering me. I especially need them when I sit behind the computer. And to think I couldn't with the other pair, because they weren't cut right. It's a blessing that I lost those.

Well, that's all the exciting news I had to share for today and I'm still in a good mood. Thank God for little favors. Maybe it will hang on for a while.

Have a good day, count your blessing, as I count mine, no matter how hard it gets sometimes and I know it does for you too.

Ciao,
Nora.

How to not do it!

I had to see my SPN at 11 am. So at 10:15 am I laid down on the sofa for just a minute, only to wake up at 11:15 to the phone ringing. It was my SPN, of course. I had done it again. Missed another appointment. So we had an appointment over the telephone and I told her that I was not going to go those activating classes, with which news I kind of stumped her and she asked me to explain myself, which I did. She said that was all well and good, but that she worried about me not having any activities at all, especially not in the wintertime. That's when I brought up the activities that her clinic was organizing itself and she said, "But yes, those are real tough activities, those are for people who have not had any yet and who really need help." And I said, "Well, I really need help, because I was really not done with my daytime therapies yet, I am being forced to quit, I am not stopping out of my own free will."

(There's a long story that goes with why the patients from my psychiatric clinic can no longer go to the therapies at the psychiatric hospital and are being forced to quit before their time is up, but I won't go into that here. It all has to do with money.)

My SPN said that we would have to discuss it with my psychiatrist and I mentioned that I had an appointment with him next Monday and she said she would try to be there for it also, so we would be able to discuss it together.

I won't count on anything, but I'm not going to those classes, my mind is made up about that.

Well, just to show you I'm not out of the woods yet, I just took another Temazepam to calm my nerves. I feel I am teetering on the edge. I will have to go to sleep again to handle these tough times. I will get my book and lie down on the sofa, which is my second home. I think I'm rapid cycling and I need to go to sleep.

Ciao,
Nora.

A good kind of morning...

It is early still, but I got up early after having gone to bed at 7:30 yesterday evening. I was so tired that it made me feel depressed and I knew the best thing to do was to go to sleep. I took some naps during the day, but apparently none were long and deep enough to make up for the whole night that I had been up. I feel very well rested now, though, and as a result, my mood has improved dramatically. I feel that I can tackle the day and whatever it will bring, although I secretly hope that it will not be too complicated. I really hope for a quiet and simple day in which I have to do nothing more exciting than walk the dog and do a load of laundry. I am quite ready for that after the stress that I've felt for the last week or so.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a few seconds that I was done sleeping and that I had to get up, but I grabbed the book I was reading and half a sentence later I was asleep again. I'm glad I didn't give in to the urge to get up, because I very easily could have and sat here behind the computer in a discombobulated mood, not knowing it was due to interrupted sleep. Such a fool I have been many times and hidden it by drinking cups of coffee, thus artificially awakening myself and wondering why I mentally felt so bad.

It was good to sleep in my own bed in my cozy bedroom. The animals were there too and this time Gandhi had taken over the pillow completely so the dog had to sleep beside it. He doesn't have enough sense to push her off or to complain about it. He just resigns himself to it and lies down on the hard floor. No wonder his elbows are showing little bare patches. Toby slept on the bed beside me, as is usual, and I think it is very sweet that he is so attached to that spot, because during the day it is Gandhi who comes to me to be petted the most and Toby only asks for it occasionally. They take turns lying on top of me when I lie down on the sofa. It's whoever spots me first that gets to lie on my stomach, showing me that my body is like a beached whale that needs to be claimed by the first occupier.

The Exfactor did the grocery shopping for me yesterday and he said that he will do them for me whenever I want him to. This is very tempting and I could ask him every time, because he is here twice a week, but it is the intention that one of these days I do them myself again, otherwise it will become like a mountain that I can't climb and it will loom larger every time I need groceries. It is such a huge relief not to have to do them myself and to only have to put them away when he comes home with them. It's like someone gave me the nicest present I could have asked for. I should be all taken care of through the weekend, but on Monday I will have to try and go myself. I wish I could do my grocery shopping on line, but unfortunately we're not that far advanced yet and I don't know what the extra cost of it would be.

I fixed the Exfactor a cup of the very good brand of coffee the other day and now he wants to drink that and not drink the decaf anymore. I can't blame him, because the decaf tastes like dishwater in comparison, so now that pack of coffee pads just sits on the shelf waiting for whatever fool to come around who likes decaf. I you ever want good coffee, the name of the brand is Fortzze and I have the dark roast.

I think I am rapid cycling, which is not a strange phenomenon to me, and today is going to be a happy day. I will let it happen as it comes, keeping in mind not to get shot as high as the moon and the stars. When I am in this kind of a mood, there is the tendency to want to do all sorts of activities, but you should do the opposite of what your very urge is and do low key things that don't excite you. At least I will not go out and spend all kinds of money, because I simply don't have it. So there is no danger in that area of my life. I've already stated some time ago that I don't want to be a victim of my moods, but I meant specifically my hypomanic moods with that, because I think they are the ones that can get me into the most trouble. Now, when I feel one coming on, I very much put the brakes on and tell myself to go easy and not get out of hand. I have a good grip on my hypomanic moods.

I'm waiting for my dog to wake up so I can take him for a walk. He is asleep in the hallway and refusing to get his act together. I guess I'll have to be the one to get the show on the road. He is normally already up by this time, but he is getting old and becoming more attached to his sleep. I have a whole cup of coffee and plenty of cigarettes, so I suppose I can out wait him, but I know that any minute now he's going to wake up and have to go out in a hurry.

Okay, that's it for me for this morning.

Have a really nice day. It's supposed to rain here.

Ciao,
Nora

Rapid Cycling.

What is happening, of course, is that I am rapid cycling in about one week intervals with some daily ups and downs as well. I should have recognized these cycles for what they were much sooner, instead of floundering around like a drowning person, but as I said before, sometimes I am slow on the uptake and don't see the obvious when it is staring me right in the face. And all that sleeping I did for a couple of days was my system telling me we were in for another change in the cycle. It's all so clear by now, that I should know this by heart, but I fumble the ball every time and drag everybody in my drama with me as if none of us know that I do this repeatedly. Apparently, I don't do it often enough for it to be a clear and concise set of behavior, so I want to make it very clear right now, so none of us forget it.

Rapid cycling is a repeated change of mood over a specific period of time that can be as short as a day or a week or a month. A change of mood would be going from a very upbeat and positive mood to a very downbeat and depressed mood for no really obvious reason, although it can be triggered by a minuscule little incident, and then having this cycle repeated several times over, or endlessly over and over again.

So, anyway, that is what's been happening with me and it got triggered about a month and a half ago by an incident involving my first ex husband, which I won't go into here, but which caused me to have many flashbacks to my first marriage and my life in the States and the memories weren't pleasant. My SPN says that I haven't been the same since then and I can believe it, because even writing about it this way is very disagreeable to me.

So let's forget all that and get on to other things.

I went to my appointment with the head therapist yesterday afternoon, only to get there and find out that she was sick, so no appointment. She won't be back until Monday at the earliest and I may be able to talk to her then. It was all a bit frustrating and I don't know what to do now. I feel I need this break, yet I also feel that I'm supposed to go to therapy. I really just want to stay home and do chores,

I got some things done yesterday and made some crucial phone calls too. The Exfactor really helped me out and did the grocery shopping for me, which was great, as I did the dishes and dusted the living room while he did that. I need to sweep the floors and vacuum the rug and my bedroom today and the furniture, which is always a job and a half.

I'm seeing Von this afternoon at our regular café and I'm hoping I'll be good company.

Yesterday afternoon I suddenly fell to pieces and ended up sleeping on the sofa until bedtime and then had something to eat and went straight to bed, I think. It's rather vague to me. Blame it on my Alzheimer. No, blame it on my pills.

So, either way, I've got to get my act together this morning and get some stuff done. Get some shit done, I really wanted to write and I just did.

I had the Exfactor buy me some Brie, but it was overripe and some of it didn't taste very good and I threw it away. You win some and you lose some. I didn't want to get sick with some kind of botulism or whatever it is you get from an overripe soft French cheese. I was very suspicious of it. Somebody tell me what you get from eating an overripe soft French cheese, please, that looks suspicious.

I do have wonderful bread with poppy seeds and light mayonnaise and very good salami, so I'm very happy with that. I also have various packages of Knorr soup and extra vermicelli to put in it.

Oh, I have lost 8,5 kilos and had made a miscalculation when i said I had almost lost 9, that should have been 8 kilos. So now I'm going for 9 kilos. I'll let you know when I've lost 9,5. I have about 6 kilos left to lose. Pudgy me!

Have a wonderful day!

Ciao...

Knowledge.

Since this morning I know why I suddenly went into a downward spiral and why I ended up cutting myself. It was because of me buying that new second hand bicycle.

When I first saw the bicycle I liked it right away, but I thought it was too expensive, even though it was the cheapest one there, and I left the store pretty much determined not to buy it. When I got home, doubt started to settle in and I thought that maybe I should buy that bike and that if I waited too long with making a decision, it would be gone and I wouldn't be able to afford any of the other ones.

So I called Eduard to ask him for advice and he said he would come the next day and have a look at it for me, but I said no, that if I was going to buy it, I was going to do it immediately.

With a great deal of trepidation, I transferred the money into my bank account and convinced myself that it was okay for me to buy that bike for myself. I felt very unsure about it and had to call on every bit of nerve that I had to get on the bus to the station and walk into the store to buy the bike. I didn't think I deserved anything as nice as that bike.

After I rode it home and parked it in the hallway, my nerves were highly strung and I felt very nervous and uneasy about having bought the bike and I could hardly look at it without feeling all sorts of guilt and other bad feelings. I thought, "Now you've done it, you fool."

It took me the rest of the evening to settle down and the next day I tried to push all the unpleasant feelings associated with the bike away and to only pretend that I was very happy with it. I pushed very hard against those feelings, but they kept nagging at me in the back of my mind subconsciously, making me feel uncomfortable and unsettled and uneasy until I ended up in a downward spiral, but when that happened, I didn't associate it with having bought the bike, because I had pushed away the unpleasant feelings and didn't make the connection.

My discomfort grew and grew and took on enormous proportions, until I cut myself. That brought me hours of relief and an opportunity to talk to my psychiatrist and have my medication changed. Finally, this morning, I was so calm that I could retrace the past week in my mind and make the connection and I had a real "Eureka" moment and suddenly felt a lot lighter about everything.

Since then I've had a conversation with my psychiatrist on the phone about this and he understood the situation immediately and said that it is not an isolated incident, but that it is probably something that happens often to me and that it is connected to my childhood and that the link can be laid there. He said I had given him very valuable information and that he was glad I called and that we would work on this in the future. In the meantime, I am to be aware of these feelings when they happen again and rather than push them away, I am supposed to feel them very consciously and acknowledge them and let them happen no matter how uncomfortable they are.

I hope this clarifies it to you as much as it has to me. Once I knew what had happened, I felt so much better. Suddenly there was no mystery anymore.

Ciao...

Just like that...

Since today was Thursday, I didn't have any therapy at all, so I could sleep a little bit later. The alarm clock still went off at 7 am, but I shut it off and went back to sleep until 8:30 am. I was expecting the "cleaning person" at 11 am and wanted to get some things done before he got here.

I had washed Jesker's blanket and wanted to vacuum the area rug under the coffee table really well so as to prevent any flea population from developing. I think we are free of fleas so far, but you never know. I also wanted to vacuum the furniture because the sides of everything was covered in dog hair.

But first I wanted to very leisurely wake up and then clean up the kitchen, so I had some cups of coffee while I made cigarettes and watched the world outside go by through the not so clean windows.

After I did all my morning rituals, walk Jesker, take my medication and all those other things, I got to work and just as I was finished, the "cleaning person" showed up and surprised me by suggesting that we wash the living room windows together. That was an offer I was not going to refuse and we went to work while Jesker barked at us, because he thought we were doing strange things.

The result was very clean windows that you can look through without seeing a speck of dirt, so I was mighty pleased and we are going to do the bedroom windows next week. Jesker will think that is even stranger.

I vacuumed the bedroom after the "cleaning person" was gone and made sure the bathroom was cleaned up and I thought that was enough of that. There's only so much cleaning I'm willing to do in one day, so I turned on the computer and had me some quality time there.

My mood has settled on the minus side of the middle, which is not bad and something I can live with and I don't find it difficult at all, but what I didn't realize until tonight is that I am still ultra rapid cycling and that in the afternoon my mood takes a turn for the worse and I really need to go to sleep then to reset the whole mechanism.

The change in mood sneaks up on me and I'm in the middle of it before I realize it and think I've felt that way all day long. I get very downhearted and somber minded and think and do things that I come to regret later after I've slept for a few hours. It's a big black pothole that I've walked in and I don't realize it until afterwards. So I have to keep an eye on that.

I'm a vulnerable person and I guess I always will be and my moods will never be stable for long periods of time. I get upset easily and must always guard over my emotional health. The hard part is, that every time there is a change, I have to remember how to deal with it and pull all the tricks out of my sleeve.

Well, I relearned something today, a little bit the hard way, but I'm on to it now.

Have a good night and a good morning everyone.

Ciao...

Shutting off the alarm clock...

This morning, I unwittingly shut off the alarm clock and went back to sleep and woke up and hour and a half later, which meant that, at my speed of getting the show on the road, I was going to be late for ergo therapy, so I made a phone call to leave a message letting them know that.

Then I relaxed and had my coffee and cigarettes in a leisurely manner until I was in a functioning mode and could take care of myself and Jesker.

There is a multitude of things I have to do in about 40 minutes time then, not to forget the cats who need clean water and milk and fresh food in their dishes. I have to pretty much do it in the proper order or else I'll forget something and leave the house without having taken my medicines or something. Mostly I manage pretty well, though, and somehow get it all done, although sometimes I forget to check Jesker's water bowl and I get home and it is empty.

So, I got to ergo therapy late and I was in the kind of mood that I really didn't care. I so didn't want to sit and listen to everybody's problems and it was hard to sit at the table and feign interest and not show boredom. I suppose that after a year, you get a little callous, not about everything and everybody, but about somethings and somebodies and I realized that I didn't want to come up with solutions and comforting words, because I didn't have any. At least not for the two people who needed them most, because they are way at the beginning of a process that I left behind me along time ago.

When it was my turn to say how I was doing, I said I was doing great and I briefly described the blip on the radar, but that it was now behind me. I don't like to sit and make a long drama out of it. It has been dealt with, it is over. No need to make a sob story out of it once again. I already did that.

I don't know. I always make short shrift of my time to speak and I always do it in the most optimistic terms. I try not to sit there as a helpless victim with an unsolvable problem. I try to be ahead of the game and already have the answers and just need help in applying them. It's possibly because I'm lucky and have a good SPN and psychiatrist, so I have people outside of the therapies to talk to.

I'm dealing with ultra rapid cycling right now and go from very good moods to low moods, but they aren't so bad that I can't face life. I just get confused and expect to be in one mood when I'm in another. Once I realized what was happening, it made it easier, but it's still a pain in the rear end not knowing which side is going to be up. Accepting the mood you're in is the best thing you can do. Embrace your mood, don't fight it. There's a lesson to be learned in each one and they're both familiar territory.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to fix my bike. It seems that he took care of it, but I do have a funny sound now when I ride it, so maybe it is time for a new used bike. I will have to see what I'm going to do in my penny pinching mode.

Alright, with this happy tiding I'm leaving you.

The weather has been great here today, by the way, sunshine all bloody day long.

Ciao...

Wednesday after the ergo therapy.

Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.

I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.

After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.

The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.

If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.

It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.

So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.

When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.

So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.

So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.

Now for something completely different.

Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.

I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.

I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.

Have a very good evening.

Ciao...

High Chapperal.

It's rained nonstop all afternoon. The Überhund and I finally just had to go out in it and not wait any longer, because he did have to go, so there we went, I not in proper rain gear and he huddling close to the houses in effort to try and stay dry. He piddled against everybody's walls. Nobody saw him do it. He did finally have to go out on the field and do a poop and he was quite miserable out there in the rain. We walked as quickly as we could in order to get home faster. He was as relieved as I was when we got to the front door. Now he is sound asleep on his blanket again, which is his normal state of being.

Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you, I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up, because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit, feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody, but that nap restored me completely, so that's all it took. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time for my 6 o'clock medication, otherwise I might still have been asleep.

Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself, for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn't see my way out off, which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles.

Of course, there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things. No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don't owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it. It's all very simple. I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better. No arguments, no explanations, no dramas, no aftermath, no discussions. And I don't feel crazy.

I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet. Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace. Unluckily, I have no such thing in the apartment, but you can buy electric ones that look like it, alas, I have no room for one. Instead, I have put on my pajamas and bathrobe and slippers and made myself cozy that way.

I see that I have to go to the store for some things that I am running out of. I am eating more mackerel and sardines than I anticipated and I have to buy more crackers. I buy the fish in olive oil and don't drain the tins before I eat the fish, figuring the oil is good for me and makes the fish less dry to eat. So I will have to get more of them.

I want to buy breakfast crackers called Cracottes which are long rectangular shaped airy crackers on which you can put any kind of sandwich topping. You eat them instead of bread, but they are easier for me to eat. I should have bought them right away instead of the rusk toast, which is too tempting to eat a lot of, because they go down so very easy and the dog likes them too, so we have rusk toast eating parties.

I went to the volunteer network on line and registered and then found what I thought was a challenging volunteer job, so I sent away for information on it. Soon I was contacted by the coordinators with the details and who to get in touch with, but when I got to that stage, I got stage fright and realized that I was not nearly ready for the amount of responsibility that the job required and I got every worried about it and saw myself failing before I had even started. I know I'm not ready for anything as big as this and it will get me into trouble, so I bowed out gracefully and will try for something very simple. I did take an aptitude test and it showed that I should do administrative work.

I am very worried about what I am going to do once my therapies end and I hope I can find something that suits me and that will not scare the living daylights out of me, like that training I started a year and a half ago and I started rapid cycling something awful. I went from one extreme mood to another in one day every day and it was scary and exhausting.

I am not at all suited for regular participation in this world. My stress threshold is very low and I react to it by becoming very chaotic and instable. I can't handle the demands that are put on me in what other people would consider normal situations. I may seem very calm and competent to people on the outside under good conditions, but when things get tough, I fall apart. It takes a lot of medicine to keep me up and going then. Until just recently, I took sleep medication during the day along with my tranquilizers to keep me calm and stress free.

That's why I get so upset when allusions are made to the therapies ending one day, because I know what hangs over my head. It's like the sword of Damocles ready to cleave me in half.

Well, on to happier thoughts. Tomorrow is creative therapy and I get to work on my third clay clay sculpture, which will be partly my own design. I'm quite excited about this and can't wait to get a proper start on it. The clay I'm using is very good and soft and malleable and goes every which way I push it. That wasn't the case with the clay for the second sculpture and I hope it bakes okay. I'd hate to see it shatter.

The Exfactor is coming over for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I will make sure I'm not exuberant and kiss him on his nose. God forbid! I'm afraid that with this kind of weather, I will not be able to meet my friend Von downtown, which is a shame. There is no way we can sit on a café terrace now for a cappuccino.

I am going to try and go downtown this weekend, though. I am so unhappy with my new glasses that I want the lenses of my new glasses put in my old original titanium frame. Those were the first glasses I had and I was the most happy with them, so that's what I've decided. Maybe then I'll wear them and be less vain about it.

Okay, it's time to put this baby to bed.

Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Ciao...

At the Pondorosa.

It's been an easy going day at the Pondorosa. I woke up from the alarm clock, which was good, because you'll remember that I hardly slept the night before. I was somewhat disgruntled having been woken up this way and not entirely being ready to be awake, and when I sat on the sofa and drank my coffee, I started to nod off again. So I did some stretches to wake my body up properly and made myself another mug of coffee, thinking the caffeine would kick in and really wake me up.

I did the whole morning ritual of getting the animals and myself ready and when I was done with everything, I still had to make cigarettes, so that gave me the opportunity to have half a mug of coffee before I left with just minutes to spare. I had ergo therapy this morning and I was only half looking forward to it, because I knew I would have to talk about he last couple of days and I was right about that and as I told the story, the stress of it crept back into my voice and my hands and I nervously started to find a point in the room to focus on as I related what happened.

One thing that did become very clear though, was that I don't realize that I go off into an extreme mood and don't recognize it as such. To me it just seems the end of the world and not a rapid cycling. I don't even think of that, while I very clearly should. That is because I can be very out of touch with my emotions, because I want to approach everything rationally. A mood gets triggered and off I go running into the abyss with my head cut off, totally senseless in a panic.

We're going to work on that and already started today by coloring in in two shapes of people in two sets on circumstances, happy and sad.We were supposed to do this on a purely emotional level and only use colors, but I was unable to do this and approached it totally rationally and colored them in based on that. Later, when asked to interpret the colors emotionally, I went in a panic and froze up and was unable to do it. I felt extreme discomfort when asked to do this, so we're going back to this exercise next week and I have to try and color them in based on my emotions once again.

I think my ergo therapist is very good and I trust her.

When I came home, the Exfactor was already there with a cup of coffee and a cigarette waiting for me. We have an understanding that when I am not home, he can let himself inside with his set of keys. I do trust him enough to do that and see no problem with it. The Überhund was equally happy to see me even though he did have the company.

I told the Exfactor my plans about turning the spare bedroom into a work room for me and he was more than willing to help me create the space. He is also going to drill the holes in the walls to hang up the collages as soon as I have the money to buy the frames. I already know where I want to hang them. I have decided not to sell them for now, until I have so many of them, that I feel that I can part with some of them. They are too precious to me now.

After the Exfactor left, I did the dishes and picked up the living room and then took a long nap on the sofa, which was very refreshing and rejuvenating. I felt like a million bucks when I got up. I turned on the computer and checked into 6S's and read many blog entries which are really writing exercises, and commented on those and wrote an entry myself. Nowadays, it the first site I go to, before I go to my Google reader and before I write a post. I hardly ever go to Facebook anymore and that account is pretty much dormant. One of these days...

I have deleted a lot of blogs from my Google reader. They were blogs that I pretty much skipped over anyway, unless I had a lot of time on my hands. I seem to be short of time lately and don't even get around to do everything I want to do. There need to be two of me, one to do the chores and one to walk the dog and sit behind the computer. I'd have a very clean apartment.

Take good care of yourselfs, be good for goodness sake and have a nice evening.

Ciao...

Slowly...

I am slowly waking up. It seems to be a long process this morning and I definitely need another mug of coffee shortly. At least I am sleeping through the night, even when I fall asleep on the sofa in the evening and make my way to bed in a half slumber sometime around midnight. Some common sense seems to be prevailing, because I woke up at 3 AM and had enough sense not to get up, but stay in bed and sleep some more. I do like it when I outwit myself and not give in to my primal urges.

The Überhund has now eaten half of the food that was in his bowl and is again begging for treats and I am again ignoring him. He is quite put out about this and lays down at my feet waiting for the next opportunity to attack me with another begging round, but I will not give in. I will give him some fresh food in a while, but that is it. He understands perfectly well what I want from him and he will just have to cooperate. I wish we had never started this reward system and with my next dog I am not even going to have treats in the house. Sometimes I think I have the word 'sucker' written all over my forehead. That cocker spaniel is too smart for his own good.

Today I am actually seeing my SPN and my appointment is for two in the afternoon. It will be a nice break in an otherwise uneventful week. I am waiting to hear about the news about the new psychiatrist that will be taking over my case and if I am not mistaken, I should hear something about that today. I am very curious about who this person is going to be, as there are two possibilities, but I have heard good things about both people, although my preference goes to one of them. That is only grounded on something someone has personally told me. My SPN will still be my main therapist, so in the long run, it makes hardly any difference, although the feedback that she gets may be quite different than what she gets now, seeing as though these psychiatrists specialize in personality disorders.

Time for another mug of coffee.

Yesterday, I turned my keyboard upside down and shook it and all sorts of junk fell out of it. I kept shaking it until it was empty, or nearly so. I was attempting to fix my question mark key, but it didn't work and now one of the shift keys has stopped working, so I have to use the one on the right, which is a hassle. So, that may not have been the best attempt at fixing that and I have asked the Exfactor to bring me another keyboard from his work where they have spare ones laying around.

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I walked the Überhund and went to sleep on the sofa, because I felt not at all awake and cheerful. So I slept for nearly 3 hours and now I am somewhat awake, but not yet cheerful. I must drink my coffee and see if that will help. Actually, all I want to do is lay on the sofa and sleep. I don't have the energy to do anything else and I have just canceled my appointment with my SPN. The thought of getting dressed properly and riding my bike over there is just too much to think about. I think I am having a rapid cycle and I am on a downward slope.

I thought writing would help, but it isn't, so I will stop now. I will write later today when things are better.

Ciao...

Rather Splendid...

I just woke up from a rather splendid nap on the sofa. I think was asleep for more than 2 hours and, believe me, I needed it, because suddenly, this afternoon, my mood started going to hell in a hand basket and I could think of two things to do, either take an extra pill, which I am not supposed to do, or go to sleep, which I am when faced with the devil, so that is what I did.

I really thought I was going around the bend, but then I realized that I had gone to sleep very late the night before and that I had not exactly had my 8 hour beauty sleep and that maybe that was what the problem was. When in doubt about your state of mind, go to sleep and stay asleep long enough for the chemicals in your brain to normalize themselves again. This rapid cycling can be cut short very often by going to sleep and staying asleep for a long enough time.

I was a woken by the Überhund who thought my nap had taken long enough and who wanted some action. I let him piddle and sniff around out back and gave him a treat for being a good dog while I slept. He is a faithful guard dog and does not budge from my side. I think he spends enough boring hours with me waiting for something to happen, although he does appreciate long naps himself.

There had been one cat laying very heavily on top of me, moving up and down with each breath I took, no doubt being very comforted by that. Is it any wonder that there was an old wife's tale saying that cats sucked the breath out of babies' lungs? Cats belonged to witches and old crones, after all. I am practically an old crone myself. If you don't watch out, I will start brewing potions and teas and casting evil spells. And I have three cats.

Toby's chronic cold seems to have dissipated and he now no longer goes around sneezing and having runny eyes. It took awhile for it to pass, but he never did infect the other two cats. It never did interfere with his eating habits, although for a while he was very thirsty all the time. I made sure there was fresh water and milk, but things seem back to normal now. The cats don't like to drink water that has been standing for a while and I constantly have to replenish their dish with fresh water. Finicky is their middle name and drinking from a running faucet is their favorite activity.

You see I've changed the colors of my blog. I was infected by Jill of all Trades, who changed the look of her blog and it made me long for some changes myself. I would have done more, but that would have been too drastic for all of you and I'll save that for a day when I am really hypomanic and I don't know what to do with myself. You see, I do care about you when I am in my right mind.

It's been one heck of a lazy Sunday and tomorrow I don't have creative therapy neither do I have ergo therapy on Wednesday. I don't like it very much and am kidn of at a loss of what to do with myself. These diversions sneak in and give you something to look forward to and when they don't happen you have to find a way to amuse yourself and it can be tough, especially when the weather is too cold to find your solace outside. Taking the Überhund for an extra long walk is not an option, nor is spending any money at the moment. I am too dull to think of anything else.

It is just very possible that the ordinary me, without being the least bit hypomanic, is in fact a very dull person who can't get off her butt and think of very interesting things to do that don't require the input of any money.

Oh well, I think it is time that I fix myself something to eat and get into my comfortable pajamas. My so called lounge wear. If I am lucky, there will be something of interest on the television. I better check the online TV guide, though.

Hope you have a pleasant evening and that you manage to stay out of trouble. If not, tell me about it in the greatest detail.

Ciao...

Middle of the night.

You could also call it very early in the morning, whatever. The fact of the matter is that I wake up at 3 AM and that there is no stopping me from getting out of bed and getting the day started. I must admit, though, that I like these wee hours of the very early morning and that I spend some of my happiest moments then. I like the coziness and the solitude and the silence of the world around me. I can pretend that I'm the only person awake for miles around.

The best part of living alone, is that I don't upset another person with my schedule. I can be awake or asleep whenever I want. It used to bother the Exfactor something awful when he heard me type in the middle of the night, because he was a light sleeper and my nighttime activities always woke him up. Now I can do whatever I want and I am glad about it. This is one of the very things that would prevent me from starting another serious relationship. It would be the loss of freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time of day.

I don't miss having a man in my life. Sometimes I am a little bit lonely, but not necessarily for a partner. That loneliness can be filled by anything and anybody. They're just lonely moments and not moments that I long for a partner. It's just more of a longing for human contact and it's up to me to fix that problem, but most of the time I am perfectly okay on my own. I find a lot of comfort in my own company. The realization that I can be who I am without having to adapt myself to someone else is a blessing.

Well, I went out on my bike first thing yesterday morning to find some Christmas cards and I did at one store, but I think I got their last box and now it seems that I need to go out and buy another one. I need not despair, however, because there are several more stores where I can have a look.

I have decided that I like sending and receiving Christmas cards very much, so here is a gentle hint. If you want to receive a Christmas card from me, email me your snail mail address and I'll add you to my list. You can email me through my profile. Please feel free to do so, because sending cards is just about the most fun activity that I can think of for Christmas. I really enjoy it and it is almost as good as receiving them.

I have put up the twinkly branches and it looks very nice indeed. It gives me the festive feeling just a little bit. I need to cut off a branch from the Golden Rain and decorate it. I'll see if I can do that today with the aid of my stepladder.

I did finally sweep the patio, which was covered with rotten leaves and I layered all of those in the flowerbed. I figured those would make good compost. I cut back the winter blooming jasmine a bit, because it is such a rambling plant and wants to grow all over the place. I will have to do it again in the springtime.

I am not very interested in gardening in this period of my life, as opposed to a time in my life when I was crazy about it and it was my greatest hobby. It is not something I get excited about now. The patio is just a place where I hang my washing to dry when the weather is good and that is about it. The cats hang out there and the Überhund piddles there in the morning. I do like the Golden Rain when it blooms, it is a beautiful sight.

I bought the muesli with the apple and raisins, but I can only eat a small amount of it before I am full and I chew it very well. So, that means that I eat a little more often during the day, but in smaller amounts. I think in the end that's better anyway. I have also been drinking more fruit juice instead of coffee. I think I drink three tall glasses of that every day. It's most refreshing when you are thirsty and I am always very thirsty because of the medications that I take. They give me a very dry mouth. That's one of the drawbacks you learn to live with.

I have gotten used to wearing my glasses constantly. Now, when I take them off for some reason, my right eye does not like that at all and goes funny on me. It's like it can't focus. That must be because of the astigmatism., but that is all guess work.

I never did get around to vacuuming the furniture yesterday. I got sidetracked every time I planned to do so. I may do it today, even though it is Sunday and my official day off.

I had some ups and downs yesterday and the only way I knew of how to fix the downs was to go to sleep for a little while, because that always seems to get me out of the slump. If I nap for just a little while, I feel better when I wake up, as if my brain has reprogrammed itself and the negative energy has switched to positive. There is such a difference in my attitude between the two poles, you'd think I was a different person emotionally speaking.

I try never to blog when I am negative, because it is all doom and gloom when I do and the last thing I want is a post that is based on my negative depressed feelings. Sometimes I start one, but I always have enough sense to delete it. At least, I am speaking of the here and now and not of the past.

When I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope, I always try to remind myself of all the reasons I have to feel happy, but it doesn't always work. I concentrate very hard on all the positive things and try very hard to stay in the present moment, but regardless of that, sometimes the gloom wins for a while and that is just the way it is.

Well, those are all the words I have for you this morning. I must say that I am enjoying my mug of coffee very well and I am about to make a new one. One decaf coming up!

Ciao...