Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Let me tell you...

Toward the morning I went to bed and fell asleep within seconds after I laid down. Apparently I was very tired after all and I had just been putting off going to bed. Whatever stubborn streak that was in me I don't know, but it sure didn't come in handy, because I probably could have gone to bed much sooner if I hadn't subconsciously insisted on staying awake. I woke up 4 hours later, refreshed and ready to start the day, although once I was actually up, I did realize that I needed a cup of coffee, because I had some trouble making cigarettes for myself, something I should be able to do blindfolded. I managed to make 5 cigarettes before I gave up and made myself some coffee.

My computer gave me some trouble with starting up and it was making a lot of noise as if it was busy doing a lot of important things that were all a mystery to me. It would not start up the email program and when it finally did, it didn't react and it had to be shut down in a complicated way that took much time. Then it told me there were updates that needed to be installed. so maybe it had been looking for them. The updates are now installed, but I wasted a good hour doing all these things. Grumble! I don't like Windows Vista all that much. It's too cumbersome. It's still mumbling to itself and I don't know why. It should be nearly silent now. I may have gotten a white elephant, but with a lot of gigabytes, I do have to give you that.

I may have gone through a rapid cycle and have been hypomanic during the night, until I got a hold of myself and managed to get out of it. I'll have to tell my SPN about it when I see her this afternoon and make sure she realizes that it's over now and has been since early this morning. It certainly was an odd experience, especially the way I kept writing posts as if I could not stop myself. It was all a prelude to madness. Well, it's done now and I'm glad. I wasn't as comfortable and happy as I was claiming to be. There was a certain amount of messianic mania to it. It had me tottering in a high place. For those of you who were worried, you had good reason to be. It could easily have gotten out of hand.

I will finish writing this post when I've seen my SPN. That will prevent me from having to write two posts.


Apparently the computer triggers my manic behavior, I become obsessed with it and I can feel the obsession grow already now as I write this. The later in the day it gets, the more my obsession grows, until there's hardly any stopping it and I must write almost constantly and get all my messages across, harmless as they start out to be. As I write more and more I seem to be somebody on a soapbox who is announcing evangelical messages. It seems to be that way to me, anyway. I'm afraid of what profound things I'm going to declare next.

A sane person would say, turn of the computer, but I'm not able to. It's impossible for me to do that. I would feel completely cut off from the most important thing in my life. It goes on first thing in the morning and it goes out last thing at night. I don't know how that is for you people, but for me it seems like an addiction, especially now that I have a new computer. I can't not turn it on.

I'm writing this post now and it has a certain mood to it, so there's not much I can do about it, except try to lighten it, but it seems impossible to do that. So to offset this post that is set in this mood, I will feel the need to very quickly write another post that is set in another mood. A happy go slappy mood. At least, that's what I would attempt. And one post would follow the other until I got it right and we were back to the messianic mania again.

It is important that this does not get out of hand tonight, because my medication will need to be adjusted. I don't want to take too much at the risk of being too hyper to go to sleep and sitting here obsessively writing posts. I don't want me to get out of hand.

Okay, I just had my SPN on the phone, and she had a consultation about my medication with my psychiatrist, and I'm to cut the Welbutrin by half and increase my antipsychotic medicine temporarily. So, I'm not imagining things and I am being taken seriously and I think they are doing the right things. I'm not happy about increasing the antipsychotic, but since it's only temporarily, I'll go along with it. I will now be taking the amount of Welbutrin that ordinary people also start with and not double the amount hat I had insisted on at the risk of becoming manic. It only gets increased if it doesn't work at the original dose.

Well, that's good, I'm being pro-active and that makes people help you figure things out. Everybody puts on their thinking caps and helps you work out the problem. People who know about medication and how it works.



aims said...

I missed yesterday's blogging and went back and had a read.

You did well getting to your SPN and Psychiatrist.

Did they happen to mention Circadian Rhythm? Apparently our computers disrupt that and at night especially so we are tempted to stay and play instead of sleeping. I've always found that interesting.

These days I turn off my computer around supper time and leave it off. Anyone needing to get me can call if they have to. I leave lots of things for myself to do at night that tire me out and of course my biggest desire of the day is to go to bed with my popcorn and a book and a cup of decaf tea. Puts me to sleep almost immediately - well after the popcorn and tea is finished!

Twain12 said...

well there are worse thing people do on the computer ;) and writing is not a bad thing and it seems like you are aware of your obsession so you can do something about it. I'm sure it'll even out and maybe right now you just have a lot to say. As long as you still take care of yourself and your pets :)

Wisewebwoman said...

It is an easy trap to fall into - computer/internet addiction.
I have to shut it all down on certain days and reclaim my life. Easier said than done. Even allocate time during the day when you just veg, with the computer shut off. Start with an hour or 2 and pick up a book or some art.
that's what I do, except I have to work with the computer too.....

Frances said...

Irene, you just stayed up past bedtime. It is always easy to do that and then get a bit hyper.
Your posts were quite logical and balanced, so I don
't think you should worry about that. You only have to think of how children are when they get over-tired. We are the same, but we don't behave as they do, so it is less obvious (except at parties. LOL)
Unless you were not telling us the truth, you didn't do any outrageous things, or order loads of stuff off the internet.
You may be getting bored with being more on a level. Don't push yourself into hypermania just for some excitement. Not worth it.
Don't allow that destructive thought process - of trying to be more interesting - to take over - just for your audience - we love you even when your moods are flat, we don't need you to be crazy, believe me - LOLLLL

Bernie said...

Hi Sweetie, I am glad you have talked with you SPN and they are helping you with your meds.

I have to watch myself as well when it comes to the computer, I won't even turn it on in the morning until I have most of my chores done.....the time just slips away when I am using it and before I know it the day is near done.

I love my computer and the connection I make with people but in reality we must have time with people and places in person.

Take care sweetie, hope you are resting and everything is okay.

.......:-) Hugs

Maggie May said...

I always switch off my computer when I go to bed.
It would be too stimulating to read anything in the night and besides...... the computer is in a corner of the bedroom so it would ruin my husband's sleep as well as my own.
Have a calm night.
Maggie X

Nuts in May