Sorting my marbles...

Today I found myself in something which resembled a depression and I couldn't believe it because, after all, I had taken all my pills at the right time and made sure I got enough sleep. I tried very hard to feel more cheerful and to put a bounce in my step, but it was all to no avail, so this afternoon I lied down for another nap. 

When I woke up, I thought things might be different, but they weren't and all the while what was nagging at the back of my mind were the changes I had made to my blogs and that I was really uncomfortable with. I had tried to push these thoughts away, but apparently they were bothering me more than I was giving them credit for. 

I took my medicines and made a pot of coffee and turned on the computer. I had a good look at those blogs and the layouts and could see that they were hopelessly inadequate. I had wanted them too badly and had not considered the practicality of them. I had taken a wrong turn simply because I had discovered something new and it was for free and I could apply it. 

Undoing everything and getting the blogs back to a more normal and practical look didn't take all that long. Blogger is very user friendly that way and very forgiving. It remembers everything you thought you had deleted.

I have to say that I feel a bit better now. I feel that I've saved myself from a terrible fate and that is of losing all my readers because the layouts were so bad and hard to read. But I think it's also the coffee and the medicines and the nap that have done their share to make me feel better. It's a combination of everything, most likely. 

Hopefully, I'll start looking at my world through rose colored glasses again like I was lately. It certainly was a friendlier place, although I suppose that you can't have equally happy days all the time. 

I frankly do count on that and am always very disappointed if my days aren't. I get very discouraged and take it as a bad sign. I think that I haven't had enough happy days yet in my lifetime. I haven't accumulated enough to have enough experience with them and to know they will always return. 

I think I'm in too contemplative a mood. I must get over it. I've got to go find my sense of humor somewhere. I've got to go find the unbearable lightness of being. 

Ciao
Nora

Conflicting messages...

I had to make myself a cup of coffee because as I sat here reading blogs and leaving comments, my eyes started to fall shut. It was not my intention to go to sleep at this time of the evening because it is way too early. I've got to wait a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed. 

The coffee is perking me up and with another cup I should be alright again and I won't be in danger of falling asleep. I can postpone putting on my pajamas and bathrobe and stay dressed like an ordinary person a while longer. If I put my pajamas on now, there will be too much temptation to go to bed early. I'm trying to prevent that. 

I've still got three chores to do before I call it quits for the evening. They will be done in no time at all because they are fairly simple ones. I've done the most complicated ones yesterday. It's nice to save the easy ones for Sundays. 

I must try to remember that for future weekends in case I'm ever tempted to put anything off until the last minute. I will remember that I like this system much better and that it pays to do the majority of the work on Saturdays. 

But now that I'm taking my tranquilizers during the day, I'm not intimidated by the chores anymore and don't have to put them off until the last minute. I just do them because I no longer feel the stress that I used to feel in anticipation. 

The tranquilizers reduce my stress levels and the coffee screws my head on straight. It's a great combination. One does not eliminate the working of the other and I'm no longer sleepy headed. I can now stay up and watch the news while still being very calm. 

The best thing is that I again enjoy my own company and don't mind being alone. Solitariness is now a very welcome thing, as long as the dog and the cat are around. I don't have to have long conversations and don't have much to say anyway. Whatever I have to say, I say here and that's enough. 

I really appreciate silence and solitude right now and can sit in my armchair for a long time without any noise or activity. I just enjoy the peace and quiet and the sense of being me without the stress.

I will now go and do my chores. I'm in the right frame of mind for them and it will feel good to have them done. 

I hope you'll all have a pleasant Sunday evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Toppling out of my chair and other dangers...

Despite the fact that I exhausted myself with hanging out behind the computer obsessively today, I found myself lying in bed unable to go to sleep. I tried it for over an hour, but then got up and decided to try it again later when maybe I am even more exhausted. 

I'm purposely not having any coffee now, as is my usual habit to, and am instead drinking cold milk which will be mellow on my brain. Caffeine would wake me up too much and keep me awake for hours, although it would get me in an excellent mood, but I'm in a good enough mood right now, so I think I will not try to artificially alter it.

I'm very mellow and slightly sleepy headed and there's something that can be said for this state of mind. It certainly is one of calm serenity. I will have to check my vital signs of life for activity any minute now. I hope I'll still feel a heartbeat and not to shallow a breath. I do want to be attentive yet. Some brain activity would be good too. A comatose condition would not be good until I'm back in bed. 

Oh for God's sake, I'm yawning something awful. I must make a cup of coffee if I'm going to sit here and finish this post...

All done, and now I can wake up a little bit. Not too much, but just enough not to topple out of this chair or end up with my forehead on the keyboard. These are the dangers of late night blogging that nobody warns you about. You have to find them out on your own. 

Little by little I'm coming to my senses and the sleepiness is clearing up. I'm still yawning, but they are the last vestiges of sleep. I feel my mood soaring to new heights and I'm getting my second wind. This promises something for tonight. I will have to keep myself occupied for a while before I go back to bed. It's too bad that I'm all finished changing the layouts to my blogs because it would be perfect to work on them for a bit now. 

I will see what other sorts of interesting things I can keep my mind occupied with until I'm ready to go to sleep again. It is apparent now that I'm in a good mood and that I mustn't let it go to waste. It's too bad that these things strike me at night when I ought to be asleep. At least tomorrow is Sunday when I can do what I want and sleep late. I will take full advantage of that. 

I hope you're all having a good night and a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

An early morning tale...

I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there's not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I'm still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It's nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep. 

I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I'm the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don't have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life.  What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It's only a very small kingdom I rule. 

My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.

In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I've cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We're going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We're going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I'm not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.

Since today is Wednesday, I don't have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That's one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.

Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I've found impossible to do lately. I've felt that I've been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I've stopped reading in bed at night, I've found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It's a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can't seem to do now, but I'm going to give it  a try today. 

My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I'm not solving any of the world's problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It's the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I'm glad I'm relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That's all behind me now. I've passed that stage. 

Well, I'm going to read some blogs until it's time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won't be up for awhile. I'm switching to cold milk. I've had enough coffee. I'm very thirsty and it will be most welcome. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Have another cup, please.

It's early in the morning and I'm very contentedly sitting here drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. In other words, I'm going through my regular morning ritual. I've read blogs and commented on them and had a good time doing that. It's always very interesting to see what pictures and stories people come up with. It's a comfortable routine and a good way to start the day. 

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe on and my comfortable slippers that Aims made for me. They are very soft and warm and the best things to wear when you have cold and sore feet. Tyke is fascinated by them and can't figure out what happened to my feet when I wear them. He follows me around and tries to bite them as if my feet are trapped in there. When I don't wear them, I put them away very carefully in a high spot. I don't want any surprises. 

The rain has stopped for now and they say that the river is not going to flood, despite the amount of water that went into it here and in Belgium. There's supposed to be more rain today, but tomorrow the weather is getting better and we'll even get some sunshine. There was a lot of rain yesterday and it was almost impossible to take Tyke for a walk. My hair has dried up funny and I'll have to wash it, because it sticks up in unexpected places and is completely flat in others. 

The day went by quickly yesterday, despite the fact that I didn't do anything special, except for hang up a load of laundry to dry and wash one load. Of course, I slept very late and I went to bed early. As a matter of fact, I couldn't wait for it to be late enough to go to bed and I watched TV until it was. 

I do think lying in bed, listening to the radio until I fall asleep, is one of my favorite things to do. I don't care much about what I watch on TV. There's not that much on at night that I really care about. It doesn't matter if I miss a program, I'm not addicted to one. Listening to the radio while lying in bed is very cozy and I don't even mind if it's a report of a football game. I do learn to recognize the names of the players and their teams. 

I don't have anything on the program today, except that I'm supposed to go to my sister this afternoon at three o'clock. If the weather is bad, she's going to come and get me. I assume it will rain. I'm not willing to take the chance to get soaked on my bike. I do hate getting really wet. A little bit is okay, but soaked to the skin is another matter. Despite the fact that I live in a wet country, I don't have any rain clothes. That is something I need to rectify one of these days. I think I've said that before already. 

I do miss having a clothes dryer now. I very much would like to have one and not have to wait for things to get dry on the clothing rack. Some day, when I have the money, I would like to buy a combination washer/dryer. It must be possible to buy those second hand. There is man in town who deals in these things, maybe he has something like this at times. I'll have to get in contact with him and ask him if he ever does. 

I'm going back to bed in a little while to get the rest of my sleep. It's too early to stay up and, besides, it is Sunday and there's nothing better to do. It won't be light for a while yet and even then it will be gloomy and there will be no action outside whatsoever. It will be a good day to stay in bed and sleep late. If I were a farmer, I'd go milk the cows now and feed the chickens. Alas, I have no such luck. 

I'm starting to yawn, so it is time to go. I don't want my jaw to get stuck. It did again the other day, but I got it unstuck very quickly. It's a bit of a shock every time it happens. 

Have a nice Sunday. I hope your weather treats you right. 

Ciao,

Nora

The second time...

I'm up for the second time this morning. I was up much earlier, before the early birds had even started singing. I drank my coffee and answered my emails and read blogs and then walked Tyke, but decided that I wasn't really awake at all and went back to bed, where I slept for another three hours. That was just what I needed and I feel much better now and like I've had enough sleep.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe now, nice and warm, with a cup of coffee. When I walked Tyke early this morning it was cold outside and I wore my jacket and a scarf, of which neither was a luxury, but now I'm toasty warm and very comfortable. I'm so comfortable that I may never get dressed, but that is silly and I do have to get dressed, because I'm supposed to meet my friend Yvonne later today for a cup of coffee downtown and I still want to go to the store and buy that bathroom scale.

I'm very curious about how much I will weigh and I can't wait to step on the scale. I have the feeling that I've lost a lot of weight, judging by how my clothes fit me. I wore my tight jeans yesterday, but they weren't so tight anymore. They were a bit baggy in the legs and I wore a smaller belt that I really had to pull tight. I'm going to wear some different jeans today and I can't wait to see how those will fit me. Oh, vanity, all is vanity...or is it sanity, all is sanity? I think maybe the latter.

It's cloudy and windy outside today, typical Dutch weather. The sun shines off and on. If it weren't for the beauty of the clouds, it would discourage you. You almost want it to rain to get it over and done with, but then the sun comes through and that really looks good too. It's the kind of sky the Old Masters painted, except that we don't have the endless horizon to go with it or the ships on the stormy sea. To be by the sea now would be a great thing. To have your hair blown to smithereens by the wind and to see the waves pound on the shore. You don't worry about having a bad hair day then like I do now. All it takes is a good haircut, right?

My friend Yvonne let me know she would call me at the last minute to say if she was going to be there, but that she was having a hard time and that she didn't think so. I just wrote her an email saying that I assume she is not going to make it and that I'm making different plans. I'm not going to sit here until 1 pm and wait for that phone call when I could be doing other things. I also have to buy new accessories for the bathroom and go to the post office.

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I've just roughed up my hair into a punk hairdo and put on my other jeans that fit me surprisingly well. I pulled them on without any problems. That sure did good things for my self esteem. I put the smaller belt in them and pulled it tight. I'd hate for them to slide off my rear end. I don't have a lot of hips yet to speak of. They will reappear last, I'm sure. I took Tyke for a walk and it was a little bit warmer outside. I still wore my leather jacket, but left it open. It's warm when you're in the sun and out of the wind, but when are you when you are on your bike like I will be shortly?

I've got to get going now. I've dawdled enough. I have to get my purse and my wallet and hop on my bike. My trusty steed.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Ciao,

Nora

The Blue Afternoon.

I am sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes and have just read the blogs I was behind on reading. I left comments on some and on others I didn't. I don't always know what to say. Sometimes I even think it's inappropriate to make a remark. I feel that anything I would say would be the wrong thing, because I may have missed the point of the post. I'm not all that smart all the time. I don't always understand people's most pertinent emotions, just as I'm probably not always understood myself. It's so easy to dismiss things or to trivialize them or to ignore them as not being important enough.

The simple things are always the easiest. The quick to grasp ideas that some people are very good at presenting. Things that don't need long explanations in six paragraphs or more, which is the way I write. Some people don't make long stories, but keep it short and to the point. You almost think it's a shame that they do, because you want more of them, but they said what they had to say and that's it. I like it when people ramble on a bit, because that is my own style, and some people are so pleasant to read. You want to know more. You want information. Trivial bits of knowledge.

The Exfactor was here earlier. He arrived just as my psychiatrist called, like I had asked the secretary for him to do. I took the call in the bedroom for privacy reasons, but of course the Exfactor knew something was up. I don't know if he overheard me speaking to my psychiatrist or what. The Exfactor asked me right away, when I was done, if I was not doing well and I had to answer him honestly and say that no, I wasn't. We talked about that for a bit and about what the reason was and he understood it quickly enough. He said that people shouldn't expect me to run when I'm doing a fine job walking and to be proud of the fact that I walk so well. I can only agree with him. I can run in the future when walking has become the most normal and natural thing and I've stopped falling down.

Sitting and being alone by myself has become a chore now. I no longer enjoy the silence and the solitude and try to avoid them at all cost. I try to keep myself busy, but am hard pressed for ways to do it. In a little while, I'm going to do some jobs. Really things that the domestic help should do, but I need to do some things myself. I'm even thinking about ironing, that's how bad things have gotten. It's not a frivolous chore I take on. I'm also going to change the sheets on my bed again. For luxury reasons.

I feel like listening to music and I think that I will go to Deezer and put together a play list or listen to the latest hits there. This is in an attempt to keep my mind occupied and to not dwell on other unnecessary things. The possible subjects that pop up into my head now are very negatively loaded and I'd rather not be confronted with them. They are a waste of time to think about, but I'm almost compelled to. It's a neurosis. I'm like Woody Allen in one of his movies, but maybe he's like that in real life too.

My high tops were just delivered and I will have to try them on in a while and see how comfortable they are. I'm looking forward to wearing them. I've been wearing sandals, but I don't like them very much, because little pieces of dirt and twigs get stuck between my feet and the soles of them. That's the drawback of open shoes. Sandals are funny kind of shoes anyway the way they expose your naked toes.

I can now walk Tyke and maybe that's a good idea for me to go and do. We can go for a longer walk and enjoy the dry weather. It hasn't rained all day, although it is overcast. I don't have to stay home and wait for that package anymore. I'm sure that Tyke will enjoy the exercise and it will be good for me to get out of the apartment. I mustn't turn in to a hermit.

Right, off I go into the wild blue yonder.

Ciao,
Nora

All done with that.

I've done chores and I read blogs until I got blog-reading-tiredness and couldn't even leave comments anymore. That's because I was behind on my blog reading and hadn't realized how far behind I really was, so I gave up and I hope that I will be excused by all of you who have not received a sign of my presence to your blog. I may have been there, but have been too overwhelmed mentally to leave behind a sensible comment. You should never do too much of one thing for a long time. It will drive you crazy.

I've just made myself a cup of coffee, because I'm starting to give up the ghost. I am yawning very badly and am in serious need of sleep, but I'm trying to fight it because of the time of day. In another 20 minutes I need to take my medicines and I hope to get my second wind from this cup of coffee. If everything fails, I'll go to bed for a nap, but it can only be a nap. I don't want my body to get the mistaken idea that we're settling down for the night.

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Well, I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half and it was nice. I'm now drinking decaf, but I think I'm going to need a regular cup of coffee to really wake me up. It will be an exception to the rule of not drinking coffee in the evening. I think one of my medicines will need to be adjusted to make me less sleepy during the day, and that will be fine with me, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still taking too many. I think the anti-psychotic is the culprit, because one of the side effects is that it makes you very sleepy. That's why I've stopped taking them during the day. I was constantly sound asleep on the sofa. The other culprit could be the tranquilizer that I take at a high dosage during the day. I need to start reducing those, but I can't do that on my own. I need to do that in consultation with my psychiatrist.

I very much regret getting on some of these medications. I thought they would help me at the time, but more and more were added and now I'm stuck with the consequences of trying to get off them. And they all have side effects. I would not recommend to anybody that they get on some of these medicines. I think they are dangerous and unhealthy and the pharmaceutical industry is pushing doctors to prescribe them. There's supposed to be a pill to fix everything, but sometimes the cure is worse than the symptom and medicines get misused. Heavy duty medicines get prescribed when something lighter might have worked too. I have to get off some of these drugs before it's too late. I want to keep my antidepressant and my mood stabilizer and that's it. All the rest can go.

Well, now you know the true feelings I have about the drugs I take. I'm not such a blind believer in them. I shouldn't be on most of them and I'm on my third psychiatrist and they all inherit me with the drugs. Oh yeah, I forgot about the sleeping pill.

On to other things. My body has been tricked by the decaf and thinks it has had a real cup of coffee. Isn't that funny? I'm going to have another one. Maybe they should give me placebo pills instead of the real ones and they will work because of my believe in them.

I'm going to try and read a book in bed tonight and hope I have enough sense to put the book and the reading glasses away before I fall asleep. I haven't read anything for such a long time and I really miss it. Tyke will have to be on his best behavior if I mess it up.

I'm going to get ready for bed, I think, although it's not that late and tomorrow is Saturday. There is no humor in this post and that bothers me. I should write another funnier post now immediately, but I don't know if there is anybody funny home. I could have a look.

Have a good evening, or a good night, whichever applies to you.

Ciao,
Nora

Funnier!

I had written a post earlier this morning that I decided was so boring that I deleted it and I want to start all over again. It is possible that I don't have it in my fingers today to write a good post, but we will see. I will give it my best shot and see what I can make of it. I may not be quite as funny as I normally am. Maybe I am more serious today than I am on other days. If so, it is because I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't go to sleep until the middle of the night, diistracted as I was by things to do on the computer and there are always so many of them.

The fact that I have a new computer doesn't help things either, because it makes me think that I can do everything better than I used to, so I want to try that out. I like my email program, so I'm constantly checking for emails, or writing them, and I find that very satisfactory. Looking for interesting blogs is an other favorite activity, as if I don't read enough already and keeping up with them is a full time job, but I gladly put in the time.

Leaving comments is a tricky business, because at some blogs that I read I never leave any, feeling as if I'm an interloper there who really has no business being there and the other comments seem so good that I can't think of anything equally good to say. I should have a little more confidence in myself. I'm sure I don't come across as the shy and retiring type.

More than anything I like writing posts, because I like the business of writing. It doesn't matter so much to me what I write about as long as I do it as good as possible. I always have doubts about spelling and grammar, not having been formally educated in them in this language, but I think I fake it pretty well. I know I'm confused about expressions sometimes and use Dutch ones in English, because I'm not sure of which language they belong to. I'm trapped between the two and thinking in both of them.

I could write posts all day long and maybe never run out of things to say, while in real life I'm not much of a talker, depending on who I'm with. I feel handicapped in my speech, as if saying something out loud is harder than writing it down. Of course, I have to speak in Dutch and I still manage to make a mess of it and want to use many English words. It happens in a discussion that I don't remember the Dutch words for things and use the English ones, so I end up speaking Dutchlish. I also happens that when I'm trying to write down a concept in a post, I have to think it through in Dutch first and translate it into English before I can put it down in complete sentences.

I'm glad I have a domestic help now, because I'm going to have her wash the windows next Monday. They are so dirty, I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. Dutch housewives have clean windows, but I don't consider myself one. You see them in the middle of winter, out with a bucket of suds and a stepladder, cleaning their windows in their plain clothes without a jacket on and I think they are mad. They also scrub the entrance way and the stoop and the front door in freezing temperatures. I'm not that dedicated. So the domestic help can clean the windows. I brought that up, because the sun is shining on them now and I can see all the dirt. I fills me with anxiety and I won't let it. I'm for an anxiety free life.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and put the door back on in the spare bedroom. It was always a bit of a mystery to me why he had taken it off, except that it seemed to be in the way to him. It had been stored in the shed all this time and of course it is rather dirty, so I have to clean it with a lot of elbow grease. I keep it ajar, so the cats can go in and out through the cat flap that's in the back door there, but at least it takes the view away of all those unsightly boxes that are sitting there and the eternal dust and debris that the cats drag in.

We only had a short political discussion, more for the form than anything else and I let him do most of the talking, which he does easily. Sometimes it helps to be the more silent one. Tyke entertained us with his follies and that took up some time. Thank goodness for a funny dog.

I have to do some chores now, duty does call me. It has a nagging little voice that can not be ignored.

Have a great day. It is 18C here, isn't that a miracle?

Ciao,
Nora

It's working well!

I've decided not to watch any Olympics this evening, but instead to catch up on my blog reading, which I was very behind on. I'll get my pajamas on in a while and make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch some Olympics then. They are broadcast all night because of the time difference. I don't know what I'm going to do when the Olympics are over. Life will be so boring when everything gets back to normal. Well, maybe not. There was life before the Olympics, after all, and somehow I managed. I know I read a lot more books then.

I'm taking my medicines for my airway infection and I must say that the codeine works very well. I'm allowed to take it 4 times a day and it completely takes away the pain, making it a lot easier to breathe, allowing me to do things as if there is hardly anything the matter with me. So, needless to say, I did some chores today.

First I cleaned up that torn bag of cat litter. I was a ten kilo bag and when I tried to pick it up, the bottom fell out and all the cat litter dropped on the ground. I swept it all up and put it in a different bag and then swept the whole room which was covered in dog hair and debris from outside that the cats and the dogs had tracked in and other dust and soil. It hadn't been properly cleaned in a while and it is where the back door is, so you can imagine what it looked like. It looked like the great outdoors.

Since that was done so successfully, and since I was hardly out of breath, I vacuumed the apartment next. I didn't rush the job, but did it nice and easy, as if I had all the time in the world, which I did. I vacuumed up the last of Jesker's hair that was stuck beneath the furniture and now that is all gone. Tyke doesn't shed any hair. His fur is thick and curly, but I have yet to find any laying around.

Now I have to mop the floors, which is going to be a lot of work, so I saved that job for another day. I have a sponge mop and I think it is more work than a rag mop, though I am still undecided which of the two I like better. I know I will feel a lot happier once the floors are clean, because they are mucky now. I do want to pick the right moment to clean them, when I have a lot of energy and I know I can get the job done. I will do them in stages and take little breaks in between.

My nose is still plugged up and I can't blow it now. Everything is stuck. It causes me to talk funny. My throat is slighty sore and hoarse, and my chest is rattly, but it doesn't hurt thanks to the codeine. I know that in a few days I will feel a lot better. I'm already glad that I'm able to do chores so much easier and that I'm not just lying on the sofa being sick. That's a great relief to me.

Lately I've been having regular crises over the value of the purpose of my existence. I very much miss having a reason to go on living for other than Tyke, and before that it was Jesker. I think of how tough it has been to survive this past winter and how very much I don't want to have another winter like it and that I'm not happy with the prospect that I'm going to have winters like that for the rest of my life. I wonder about the true purpose of my life and what it really is all about and I don't see much reason for it, other than to just get up in the morning and somehow make the best of it until I go to sleep. It doesn't seem like a very fruitful and useful life.

I wish there were an option to step out of your life when you think it has been enough. That you've lived the life you've wanted to live and that you don't see much purpose in going on living. When the negatives of life outweigh the positives and there's not enough happiness left in it. I find myself in that position now and I very gladly would have followed Jesker into his eternal sleep. I'm quite envious of him to have died such a peaceful death. Just one little injection of sleep medication is all it took.

Well, that's all I have to say about the subject for now. I'm sure I'll talk more about it later. It's open for discussion.

Ciao,
Nora

Drinking coffee...

I'm sitting quite cozily by the desk lamp drinking my coffee after having just finished a tall glass of fruit juice for the thirst. This time I was smart enough to buy two large cartons of fruit juice, so I have enough left, although I may come to find out that I need three to last me the week. The stuff is so good when you are thirsty and nothing else will do to quench that thirst. Not even cold milk, which I used to think was the best cold drink when I was diabetic and didn't know it and was always thirsty. I would drink a liter of it in one go. Now I just drink tall glasses of juice and I love the slightly sour taste of it, because the juice is not too sweet. I like mixed yellow fruits better than plain orange juice, and no matter how well I shake it, the best is always at the bottom of the carton, because that's where all the pulp is. I could write a treatise on good fruit juice probably.

Jesker is lying right beside me and has tried to get me to get dressed because he wanted me to take him out. He got me to follow him to where me clothes and boots were and then looked at me with sorrowful eyes. Of course, I'm not going for a walk now, he just had to go out back, but he was not quite happy about that. He complained a little bit and then grudgingly went to sleep, but I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it yet. I'm sure in his little brain he's just waiting for the next moment to come along when he can try and lure me outside again. He never forgets.

It snowed during the night and there are a few centimeters. I'm wishing for it to be gone, although it looks quite pretty, but I'm not fooled by the beauty of it and remember very well how slippery it can get if it stays and freezes. It's supposed to get up to 2C today, so it should melt, but there aren't any guarantees. It never did get that warm yesterday either and it snowed in the afternoon, although it was supposed to be 2C then also. In the north of the country there is more snow, so I'm glad I live down here in the south. Those few hundred kilometers do make a difference and we are less influenced by the sea, which makes it a bit dryer and warmer here. It's a good place to live, as climates go, but that's not the only reason. I live in the Dutch mountains.

I finished Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver and have now started her novel Pigs in Heaven. I've read this novel before and also the one that came before it, but it's been long enough since I read it that it will be like reading a new book again. As I read it, I remember bits and pieces of it, but it's still fun. Animal Dreams was an interesting book. There was a lot of sadness in it, but very realistically in that tragedy happens to people in the most bizarre ways and that we have to learn to live with that. There was also joy in the book underneath it all and it does have a satisfactory ending. I don't say a happy ending, because no such thing exists. Well, endings don't exist, do they? One person or the other dies, but the rest of the people go on living. They have to, that's their fate. To carry on the story endlessly until someone can come along and write it down again.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I'm surprised he didn't try to change my mind again. I suppose he realized his timing was off.

I just looked outside and see that there are already footsteps in the snow and tire tracks. I'm surprised, it being Sunday. I wouldn't expect anyone to be up that early, or to be out that late. Of course, the cafés don't close until 3 am, so it could be people coming home from a night out. I think some places stay open even longer, but I think that's in the summertime when you can get home when the sun is up. I'm not a party animal, so I don't know much about these things. I haven't stayed up to party all night since I was 26 and it was New year's Eve and I saw the morning coming. That's a long time ago.

It's very nice here with my bathrobe on. I have no desire yet to go back to bed. I am wide awake. I think I will stay up and visit some blogs that I've been neglecting, because I visit them, but very often lately I haven't been leaving any comments and I feel like that's just a bit antisocial. It's like peeking in, but not letting anyone know you've been there. Of course, lately I haven't felt like I know what to say, I've been so empty of words that are cheerful and it's been an effort to say anything at all.

Have a good Sunday you all. I hope your snow melts if you have any.

Ciao!

Sunday on the better side of it...

I've been up for a while, drinking coffee, smoking my cigarettes and answering my emails. I'm also pretty much caught up on my blog reading, although I didn't leave comments everywhere. Sometimes I'm just short of words and sometimes I'm only a lurker. I read other people's comments and wonder where they get the imagination to write such good ones, because I really have to stop and think of something sensible to write and sometimes I give up completely. It's not that I'm not amused or that I don't empathize, it's just that I can't find the right words to express that and I really have to try very hard to come across as a sincerely involved person, which I am, make no mistake about it. I just assume it speaks for itself, but it doesn't, of course, and I know how much I appreciate each comment that I get, so I try very hard to say something relevant if I can.

When I first started reading blogs, long ago in the Dark Ages before I wrote my own blog, I didn't realize it was customary that if you didn't have anything good to say, it was better not to say anything at all, and that you should always try to find something positive to comment about, even if it was just a minuscule detail. I was always putting my foot in my mouth by being to straight forward and calling a spade a spade. I thought I was a criticizer and not just a reader who could put her positive two cents worth in. It was in a time of my life when I was super critical of anything anyway, so it was the imperfect setup. Very unfortunate. Since then I've learned to keep silent if I think something is nonsense, or to at least find something positive to focus on and to bring any criticism as diplomatically as possible and not see it as a matter of life or death.

It's in the national character to be very critical of things to the point of being rude. That's no excuse to act like a clodhopper, of course, but I used to meet many of those Dutch kind of people when I still lived in the States. They were critical of everything and all things were better in their own country. Those are the kind of people you don't want to read your blog, because they will find all sort of faults with it and trip you up on the smallest details and have an argument with you. I think that's another reason why I don't write in Dutch. It's to prevent me from meeting those kinds of people. English speaking people are more polite as a rule. They come better equipped to hand out the niceties of life and isn't that just a much better atmosphere to write in?

You all know that I only read English language blogs and novels. The only Dutch I read is in the TV Guide and in the articles I read in magazines in waiting rooms. My Dutch is good enough now that I can pass for a native, which I am, after all, although for a long time I didn't feel like one, but I don't have the least desire to read Dutch language novels, many of which would be translated out of another language anyway. There are good writers here, there's no doubt about it, but I'm not the least bit curious about them. My interest lies mainly in English language female authors and there are so many good ones to choose from, that it will keep me busy for a long time, and I will even read male authors now and then.

This specific interest was born after reading a big collection of short stories by female authors that I enjoyed very much and I started reading them and subsequently discovered other English language female authors. Our library has a very good collection of English language novels and I was able to extend my list of authors quite a bit. Now, of course, I mooch books through Bookmooch and I have been very successful so far. What I can't get, but really want, I order occasionally at Bol.com at a discount. Every time I hear about a new author, I look into it and add her to my list if she sounds interesting.

So, you could really say that English is my first language and that Dutch is my secondary language. I don't know if I could express myself as well in Dutch as I do here in English, although I am aware that the occasional mistake slips through every once in a while. I make more mistakes in Dutch.

It's snowing outside and there are a couple of centimeters. Only one car had driven on it so far, so it looks very pretty. I have to take the dog for a walk, because he's waiting impatiently. I'll have to dress warmly, because there's a cold wind blowing.

Well, that was all about writing and reading and such. I hope you all have a nice day.

I'll be thinking about you all on this Sunday and wondering how you are doing.

Ciao,
Nora

Another middle of the nighter.

Well now, what do you think has happened? I was very tired early in the evening and went to bed at 8:30 pm, only to wake up at 12:30 am and find myself wide awake as if it was morning already and time to get up. Of course, I got up, because there is no sense lying in bed looking at the ceiling and ruminating over the past day, so I carefully stepped over the sleeping dog and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of decaf. Since then, I've been sitting here behind the computer trying to keep myself entertained, and in a little while I'm going to sit down at the dining table and paint. I may as well make a productive night out of it.

It's really funny when you get up so early that it's barely even tomorrow yet. You look at the alarm clock and think to yourself that the time can't be right, but then you look at your watch and see that it is and you think, what am I going to do with this whole long night ahead of me? Of course, there are always numerous ways to entertain yourself on the Internet and I don't quickly run out of things to do.

Nowadays I even go to Facebook every day and that is something I used to neglect to do for long periods of time. I am a much better networker now than I used to be, although I don't use it to its full advantage, but I see people who do and I admire their enthusiasm and stamina. I like to see the artists and the pieces of art they create and I always hope there is new work to look at. Some of them are most excellent and the more abstract the art, the better I like it, because I am a primitive figurative painter myself. I always try to befriend artists and when I browse through suggested friends, that's what I look for. Many people have their artwork as their ativar.

Of course, I also read all the new posts of all the blogs I follow and leave comments there. I don't actually visit many artists blogs, because I like to read stories and I'm interested in how people tell them and use the language and get their point across and how a story unfolds. I also like the various subjects people write about and that make me think about things in my own life, although I also read a lot of Mommy blogs and I am certainly past that stage. I read those for the humor and the human interest and to remember my own experiences and to know I was not so unique in them. They're very eye opening.

So anyway, slowly the hands of the clock are moving toward the morning hour. It's becoming a more and more decent hour to be up as I feel the day creeping towards me. I want it to stay nighttime a little while longer, because I do want to paint for a while and I want to do that before I have to get dressed and walk the dog and get started on my chores. I do have those chores waiting for me and I think today might be the day that I tackle some of them.

I have an almost total lack of interest in how clean my floors are. I mean I sweep and vacuum them, but I hardly get around to mopping them. It just doesn't turn me on. The thought of bringing out the mop and the bucket is almost more than I can bear to think about. Isn't that silly? And I know that when I make a bucket full of suds, I will have those floors done in no time at all. It is just a matter of getting over the initial inertia.

It must have to do with the fact that by nature I'm not a good housewife at all and it displeases me to have to do it. I like things to be organized and picked up, but I don't like the actual cleaning and scrubbing. It's that my mother taught me how to clean house, otherwise I might not have liked to do it at all. We girls had to help clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday and we weren't dismissed until it was all done. We weren't allowed to complain about it either. And we had to dust all the baseboards, something I don't do now and it shows. My knees don't allow baseboard cleaning. They are too knobby and bony for it on the hard linoleum. Some day...I must keep my chin up and remember that one day the whole living room is going to be painted and that will include the baseboards.

Well, now I'm going to paint before it's too late to get started on it. This was just a wee hours of the morning ramble. I'll try to write something decent later on in the day. Maybe I'll be mightily inspired and write an epic story. Yeah!

Have a good day. It's supposed to rain here, so it should be very cozy inside and I'll get to wear layers of clothes when I go out.

Ciao,
Nora

Little old me...

I'm on my own again and enjoying it, even though I had a nice time with Joost here, but I do so like my time on my own and being able to sit behind the computer and catch up on all the blogs and leave comments, and also read my emails and answer those. I need my time to be able to do that and I certainly am not anti social enough to do that while I have company. A little bit of both is just enough. Some company to talk to and some computer time to get that out of my system. If I always could combine those two, my life would be perfect, well, near perfect. There's always a hitch somewhere.

Joost and I are perfect company for each other, because we are both low key people and on the quiet side and we both like serenity and predictability and not much excitement, so we always take it real easy when he is here and just enjoy our talks and each other's company and our walks with the dog. We don't need to do anything out of the ordinary to have a nice time. I think he appreciates the fact that I'm so mellow and the same goes for me about him and he helps me do the dishes...

It's also nice to be on my own again, because I do appreciate that also. Apart from the fact that I can sit behind the computer. I do need a certain amount of alone time, when all I have is my own company and I can fill my time how I see fit and I don't have to be attentive to someone else and all I hear is my own voice speak to the animals. I like a certain amount of absolute silence uninterrupted by anything, no music, no television, no radio, nothing, just silence. Well, the occasional snoring of the dog and the pitter patter of the cats that walk by on the linoleum and the sound that they make when they chew their kibbles ever so gently.

Those are little cozy sounds that comfort me and make me feel good and that all is well with the world for right now. Especially on a Sunday evening when everything seems to have come to a temporary pause before it becomes that busy Monday with all its responsibilities and worries.

I don't want to think about Monday yet and absolutely stay in this moment that I have here now. This peacefulness that exists now. The animals that are asleep and the quiet that is all around me. I haven't watched television all day and I have no idea what's going on in the world and for now I will leave it that way. It's better for my peace of mind if I don't know anything right now and concentrate on the very fact that I am sitting here typing this and trying to gather my thoughts while I listen to the dog snore.

It's good to read other people's blogs, because you are exposed to other people's ideas and thoughts or concerns or bits of happiness and it affects your viewpoint on humanity. It also gets you out of your own head and your own somewhat limited view on your little world and into the larger world of a bigger group of people. Each blog triggers something in your head, some sort of response, sometimes big and sometimes little and sometimes it's a memory of things that happened to you a long time ago. Not everything is important. A lot of times it doesn't really matter that much and what you read is just a passing amusement, but some things are big and make you think and stay with you.

I would say that my knowledge of human beings has grown quite a bit since I've started reading blogs. One thing I have realized, is how much alike we all are, and by that I mean especially the women, because I read mostly blogs written by women. We have so many of the same longings and likes and dislikes and emotional lives. That doesn't mean that we're not all unique and very special. We are not interchangeable, but in our cores we meet and recognize each other and it seems to me that we can be a huge support group for one another, because there is a lot of compassion out there, or maybe I'm just lucky and I meet the right people.

Of course, you have a tendency to gravitate toward certain blogs and the people who write them and you start to feel an affinity for them. I shy away from certain blogs, because I don't feel comfortable there. I feel out of place or out of my depth. There's a certain kind of ironic humor that I just can't handle, I'm too serious for that, although I like the occasional slapstick. I'm not sophisticated enough to handle constant wit and sarcasm and self deprecation. I want to waylay it.

What happened to my quiet, peaceful moment? I turned into a ponderous, thoughtful one. All for the sake of one remark. I must watch my words, because one thing leads to another.

Now I must go to bed, unfortunately, and I still have to take out the trash. Mustn't forget that!

Sleep tight, those who are about to go to bed, and those who aren't, have a great rest of the day.

Ciao...

After a long nap.

I took a very long nap this morning and got woken up, barely, by the door bell. It just penetrated my subconscious and Jesker didn't react to it at all. It was the Exfactor, whom I had asked to come over to take the dog for a walk. I first made us some coffee and he managed to cheer me up a bit with his stories about his family, whom he had visited over the weekend. They had had a get together in honor of a sister who was visiting from Egypt. I know these get togethers very well and I could picture all the scenes as the Exfactor told me the different things that were done and said. I don't miss them one bit, as things always become complicated and different male members want to dominate the conversation. So, it was amusing for me to listen to the Exfactor telling me about it and knowing that from now on the Paramount has to deal with it, though I am not mean enough to wish the worst of it on her and I hope she gets along well with the female members of the family. They are a fine bunch of people.

The Exfactor took Jesker for a walk and when they got back, Jesker was panting heavily, because it is hot outside. This has not prevented him from just eating his second meal, however, with much appetite.

After the Exfactor left, I started reading blogs until Google kept telling me that every blog I tried to open was suspicious and would not let me open them. I'm sure there's a glitch somewhere in the system and that it will be ironed out. I will try again in a while. I was about to read a very interesting blog and felt very frustrated.

I sleep on the sofa whenever I am in the least bit tired and feel much better when I wake up. When I get tired and sleepy, I start feeling worse again and it is very important that I go back to sleep, it seems to be what saves me now and it is the best medicine. It certainly isn't going out there in the hot sun and getting exhausted by the heat. The back of the apartment is very cool and by keeping the back door open, I am managing to keep it pleasant in here. Even the cats are staying inside. They are smart animals. Jesker sticks to the cool places in the apartment. He isn't seeking out the sun like he was the other day.

I am trying to finish reading a book that I find only mildly interesting and I only manage to read a few pages in it at night before I go to sleep. I am not allowed to order another book until I am almost done with this one, so I have to hurry up and finish it, which means I will have to start reading it during the day, which I can do when I lie on the sofa. Every few pages helps to get me to the end. Sometimes you have a book in which you identify closely with the main character and I'm not doing that in this book, although he is sympathetic. I just don't care enough about what happens to him and the outcome of the book is completely indifferent to me.

I've got an enormous long wish list of books over at Bol.com and it will take me a lifetime to order and read all those books, though if I just make it a habit to read during the day again, I'll go through the list a bit faster. I try to get all the books I'm interested in in the paperback edition, as I don't want to pay the money for the hard cover one. I am very greedy about books and love owning them, though I'm not super careful with them and do break their backs and sometimes get cookie crumbs in them, though I try to avoid that.

Some of my books are very old and fall apart and I have to replace them with newer editions, but I think that's such a waste of money, so I hope to run into them in the second hand bookstore. I want to get all of Thomas Hardy's books second hand, although I can order them at Bol.com for 3 Euros plus shipping and handling, which is not bad. Are you greedy about books too? Do you collect them like rare objects?

Well, I think I will try to read some more blogs. If it doesn't work, I'm going to lie down on the sofa with that book and maybe fall asleep again. That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Ciao...

My third one...

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee. I had the first one to wake up properly with and to pet Jesker with, who could not get enough of that and kept nudging his nose against my hand every time I stopped. I had to switch hands every once in a while due to petting fatigue.

I had my second cup of coffee while I checked my emails and read some blogs. Didn't you know there are always blogs to read? At any time, somewhere, someone in the world is posting their blog. That doesn't seem like a very good sentence, but I don't know what's wrong with it.

That's why I need the third cup of coffee and my medicines, of course. I must not forget them. I have to be able to think straight. Before you know it, I'll be tripping out and not making sense at all any more.

I hope I'm not the only one who has moments of complete dementia when I think my brain has entered a new dimension, where everything is slightly askew and no thought is in its proper place. You know those times, when you think you make complete sense for the moment, only to find out later that you've been blathering like a drunk or someone on drugs. Well, ha ha, I am on drugs, aren't I?

I'm supposed to be at creative therapy now, but for some reason, I could not get out of my pajamas and dressed. The whole thing seemed like too much work to me. I was completely unexcited about going. Now, I realize that when you have a real job, you can't do that, but I figured I could get away with it this time. It's a little bit of moral disobedience on my part and I'm not even going to lie about the reason why I didn't show up when asked about it this week. Sometimes I just don't want to do what I'm supposed to do and as I said one time before, I think I'm getting therapy fatigue. The thrill about going has worn off and now it is just another thing I have to do. I don't see it as useful anymore, even if it is still. I just don't see it.

Well, I'm so flabbergasted by that implication that I don't know what to write anymore and I've been sitting here for 30 minutes wasting my time doing nothing. I downloaded a new wallpaper and made some cigarettes, so I guess I did do something, but I didn't write and my coffee has gotten cold.

If I don't go to therapy, I need something else to fill my time. Although right now I think housecleaning and reading would be enough, which I now don't have enough time and energy for. I don't think Social Services would just let me stay home and will want me to do volunteer work. I will do that as long as it's not too complicated. Mmm...things to ponder.

I have much thinking to do. My official date to discuss the end of my therapy is in September, but that seems like a long way off. I must discuss this with my therapist. who I don't see until August 11th. I think an email is in order.

Right, it is time to get dressed and walk Jesker who has been patiently waiting. I am unsettled and want to make a decision.

Ciao...

A heck of a new day!

As far as I'm concerned, we all forget about that spiritual weblog that I tried to start up as soon as possible, because it caused me nothing but extreme frustration until the wee hours of the night, while finding out that I am a neo-pagan, and I just wanted it so badly, that I became fixated on it and couldn't leave it alone and wanted it to look the way I wanted it to and make it accept all your comments.

I should have seen the writing on the wall. The minute I start to involve my usual sober minded self with spiritual matters, it's a sign that I'm hypomanic, but I didn't even realize it until late at night when I was frustrating myself to pieces and becoming dysphoric. When it was already late enough, I took my heavy duty sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and went to bed, but this morning I was up bright and chipper when the alarm clock rang and more than ready to start the new day.

I felt I had no other duty but to set you all straight, but I have to figure out how to get back onto belief.net and I'll do that in a while, where I can direct lost and confused people back to this blog, but I hope you all have enough sense to have a look here. That #@%(*&^%(!@blog!!! I wish I had never run across it. Even now it is still tempting me with its spiritual lure and promises of customized headers and imported archives and friends who can leave comments. It's not out of my system yet. It's a fixation and I know them so well.

So this morning I went to creative therapy and walked in and someone said, "Oh, have you done something to your hair?" I said, "No silly, I'm wearing glasses!" Nobody else noticed them. At least, nobody commented on them, except for Lilian who reads this blog and knew I had them and she liked them. The rest looked at me like they always do, with friendly interested faces.

Anyway, I sat down at the workbench and said in a loud voice, "Okay, where are my cookies and my cup of coffee?'" You wouldn't believe it, but in the shortest amount of time I had a cup of coffee and two gingerbread cookies and a shortbread cookie. I guess I can be a very authoritative woman.

I finished that sculpture that is supposed to replace the one that got broken, but I don't have high hopes for it. I'm going to have to keep my fingers crossed for it and hope this one doesn't break also. In the meantime, I spoke French with P. who sat across from me and who is fluent and I'm not. Quel dommage! I do manage the odd phrase and sentence and pretend I understand half of what he says.

Anyway, he had been to Lourdes with his mother, even though he is not a believer, though his mother is, but he had a wonderful time and I guess it's something you have to experience, especially the light procession. And all around Lourdes it's hugely commercial with anything pertaining to religion for sale at hefty prices. And everywhere there are the sick and the disabled hoping to be cured and they come every year. It's their annual holiday.

After we had our break, I and some one else were late coming back to the studio and when I opened the door, I said, "Taraaah, here we are! Did you miss us?" And everyone said that they did very much. It's good to be so well liked, although I think they were just trying to humor us.

The weather couldn't make up its mind today. It threatened to rain, but never did and when the sun was out, it was warm, so I didn't know how to dress for my afternoon downtown with Von. In the end I went with the layered look, figuring I could take things off if I needed to.

I was at the café first and they already know I want a cappuccino, so I don't need to tell them that. Our table was vacated shortly after I got there and I quickly laid claim to it before anyone else could get it. I would have chased them off with a very angry look anyway.

When Von got there, she looked like a model, but she never believes me when I say that, so I say it a lot. Maybe it will sink in one day.

I ate three pieces of nougat, so you can see that so far today I've eaten very healthy food. I must drink a large glass of multi vitamin juice soon.

Von doesn't read my blog because she says it would make her feel like a voyeur and she wants to hear all the stories from me, so I was able to entertain her with some. We also checked out men, but surprisingly few came up to our standards. It's a very sad thing. Maybe we are in the wrong part of the country or something. We do have high standards, it's true. Men my age are very used up looking. They all have beer bellies. Burgundian stomachs. The good life reigns and takes its toll.

I am going to try and behave like a normal person tonight, but I have ants in my pants and feel like undertaking something. That doesn't sound like I'm up to much good, does it? I must find a way to get rid of the extra energy in a productive way. Not come up with some half baked scheme that involves new weblogs and spirituality.

Wish me luck in making wise choices. God forbid I'm going to do something silly again.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.8 kilos. I've lost 6 kilos now.

Ciao...

Whacky World.

More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I'm beat. I don't even have the energy to go to the store and I'm eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets. I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy. All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up, because I was seriously dragging my butt, going there straight from my dance therapy.

It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all. I've just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable. Not that people all have uncomplicated lives, but somehow it all seems manageable. There are no catastrophes out there. At least none that I'm aware of. We all have our difficulties, but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard.

I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that. About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again. I suppose the answer to that is different for every person, but maybe much more alike than different for all of us.

I notice that in all of my groups, that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns. It's like we all read a big book somewhere that said, under these conditions you act that way. So much of it is very predictable. The beginning, the middle, the end, if it ever comes, all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you're a patient long enough, and know a lot of things, you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist. I do have to point out that I say almost. That's very important. You never get as smart as. Patients lack the objectivity.

Hell, I don't even know if I'm qualified to write that stuff down. They are just my own observations. You do learn a lot in my line of activities. People around me in the groups say I have a lot of courage and inner strength and that I am verbally strong. I dare to talk about subjects that they are afraid to bring up, but are relieved when I do. But I'm not always courageous. I get insecure too and wonder if I say too much or breach the wrong subject and I pay a price for that afterwards if I don't get the answer to my questions quickly. I have to settle my own sense of insecurity on the spot or walk around with it and it will nag at me until it hurts.

Well anyway, today at dance therapy, we learned to dance with a veil and if you think that's easy, think again. Your arms get very tired lifting this thing up and around you and twisting it around your shoulders and in front of you becomingly. Then try to do that while dancing with the emphasis on your hips.

I have to tell you very honestly that I'm the worst student in the class and do not move gracefully, but more like a stiff rake with arms an legs attached to it. I have no swing in my hips and no easy bend in my back and all my movements cost effort. And I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. I lean to the left and forget to breathe. My hip and my back hurt and I have to take mini breaks. I loose the rhythm and have too start all over again. I'm a lost cause.

But still I'll keep going, because the music is wonderful.

The weather has been gray and cold and windy all day and now it is raining. It's feast or famine here. We'll have sunshine again on Friday, but it won't be warm. That I don't care about so much. I don't mind wearing an extra layer of clothes. In fact, I prefer it, it makes for interesting dressing up. And you know how much I like that.

I gave away all my jangly earrings that I never wear to a very nice woman who loves to wear them and I made her very happy with them. I only wear my titanium studs, at least, I think that's what they are. They never irritate my ears. This woman was wearing a necklace that I very much admired and she's going to get me one just like it. I'm a necklace person and feel naked without one. So, that's great.

Tomorrow is music therapy and relaxation exercises and only a short morning. In the afternoon, someone from domestic help is coming for an intake meeting to see what needs to be done to the apartment to get it back to normal again and how much help I need with that. They had lost the original application that was put in when I was depressed and my SPN sent in a new one, because it seems I still need help now with all these extra classes and no idea of how to get things back on the rails.

I'll leave it at that and walk the dog for the last time and get my pajamas on and do the dishes. Oh, somebody needs to do them. I live here, so it must be me.

Have a great evening.

Ciao...

At the end of the day.

The day is drawing to an end. I'm already in my pajamas and my bathrobe and I've been drinking decaf for some hours now, so I'm suitable decaffeinated.

I just ate a big bowl of hot oatmeal and it was so good, it warmed my stomach and all my extremities. I feel like I've had the ultimate comfort food. I had forgotten that I had oatmeal in the cupboard and ran across it yesterday when I was looking for something soothing to eat. What a lucky find.

I've called up about my package and have now been told that it will be here on Tuesday. No explanation really on why it was taking so long and I'll believe it when I see it. I just helped vote this company into the best on line store of the Netherlands and now they are letting me down. They've grown to big for their britches. Isn't that always the way it goes?

I am being distracted by the television which for a change I have not turned off. There is a silly program on and I don't recommend typing a post and listening to a silly television program at the same time. No matter how hard you concentrate, you do get distracted.

There, I've turned the television off, because I don't need that kind of interference. I never do understand people who can blog and listen to music at the same time. I need complete silence when I try to write things down. I do like the sound of the clickety click of the keys on the keyboard. It makes me sound industrious.

It was cold today. There wasn't that much rain, but the wind whipped icy cold around you when you went outside. I want to take the Überhund for longer walks, but it's not the weather for it and he also chooses the short route. I can't wait for nice quiet weather that allows you to walk without a scarf bundled around your neck and wishing for a thicker jacket. The wind is always the culprit in the weather, because it makes the temperatures feel colder than they actually are and it seems that the wind is always blowing here. It's always an important element of the weather.

I've lived in the Netherlands for 15 years now and you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I never get used to the cold of the winter season, and really, it's not that bad compared to the weather people get in the Midwest or in Canada where there is lots of snow and ice and winters last forever. We have nothing like that here, because we are in a temperate zone, but I sure don't like the cold and rain that we do get. I'm a springtime sort of person and I can't wait for April and May when the fun part of the year starts. I shouldn't complain though, because I know that some of you are still stuck in the snow and are waiting for that to thaw.

My day went well enough for a Saturday, because you all know that I really take the weekends off without the least bit of guilt. I do the minimum housework and let the apartment be as it is and try not to get excited about anything that really needs to happen. I figure those are the working day jobs.

I managed a nap on the sofa and that was very pleasant, but I needed it, because I felt it in my bones. A sudden weariness came over me and I laid down and was asleep within a few minutes. I leave the television on turned down low for company and I sleep right through it and then wake up to some program of which I don't have the least idea of what it is about. Very often it is a sports program and some team is performing an obscure sport in some part of the world that I've never heard of and we are not doing well. Sports programs do have to fill their time with sports, even if there is barely anything to cover.

After a refreshing nap, it is time for a good cup of coffee and some computer time, but first I have to bond with the Überhund who has been taking his nap beside me, while some cat has been laying on top of me. The Überhund lies on his back while I rub his belly and he purrs like a kitten, at least, that's what it sounds like to me. It's actually a series of low moans and snorts and sighs, all out of happiness and contentment. Oh, to be a dog and to be that happy.

Firefox opens up six tabs (I don't know the proper word in English) and I can see if there are any new posts or any new comments to the blogs I follow. They also take me to 6S and Facebook and Blogger dashboard and my own blog. If I'm very bored, I read my own old posts and am amazed at what I've written, because I have a bad memory and have forgotten a lot of those things already.

I never let on how bad my memory is. I cover it all up, but I know very often I don't get my facts straight. One thing I alwas forget is how close I am to someone. It's like I have to start every relationship over again from scratch every time, while only vaguely being aware of how close I already am to that person. If it weren't for the other person's efforts, I would remain a stranger to everybody. That's a very odd thing, isn't it? I've always thought that it was something autistic in me. I identify with some aspects of autism and have often wondered if I have some of it myself.

After that revelation, I think it's time for me to go to bed, although I'm not nearly sleepy, but it's late. I'll read until I fall asleep. I've got a new book called The Road Home by Rose Tremain and I think I'll start reading it tonight.

It's turned into a midnight ramble. Have a good sleep, everyone.

Ciao...

Monday evening.

Well, if I plan this right, I can write a post before I go to bed and read some blogs too. That is if I don't dilly dally and spend too much time thinking about what I'm going to tell you all, and not get frustrated about the stupid keyboard keys that get stuck and make me all mixed up about whether or not I have punched down a key well enough or not, so that I have to go back and add or subtract letters.

There, that was a little rant about the keyboard, but really, it is so frustrating and I don't have the money right now to buy a new one yet. I have to wait just a bit. It is said that you learn to live with the little inconveniences in life, but I don't believe a bit of it. I am all for eliminating them as quickly as possible. It will be a great day when I toss this keyboard in the trash.

Today was creative therapy and I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don't enjoy going there as much anymore since I'm being told left and right that it's all going to end one of these days. My heart isn't in it anymore and I am not making the commitment like I was before. In a way I am already saying goodbye. I am being told the same thing at ergo therapy and I feel the same way there, so there is a kind of withdrawal on my part, as if I am not putting in 100% anymore.

I finished my clay sculpture today and it turned out okay for the beginner that I am. It has to dry now before it can go into the oven and I will start another one on Friday. This next one is going to be harder than the first one, so I've got my work cut out for me.

When I got home all I felt like doing was having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, so I did and I fed the dog who hadn't eaten it the morning for lack of interest, but he wolfed down his food this time. I took him for a walk and it was nearly pleasant outside, overcast, but not very cold with just a bit of a chilly wind. It wants to be spring, but it is very hesitant.

Then the Exfactor came over to pick up a package that had been delivered here for him and we had some coffee together. He had spent the weekend with the Paramount and it only bothered me slightly, as I pretend that she is not an entity in his life and I prefer not talking about her, though sometimes we must. I find the whole thing emotionally draining and prefer not to really be confronted with it.

I feel the same way about the therapies. Don't keep telling me it's going to end one day. Give me a date and then I know what to expect. It's rather senseless to keep me in suspense this way. I find that emotionally draining too.

I am most happy when I am home doing my own things and living my own life and handling my own schedule. When I'm not dependent on the decisions of other people, or their whims or fancies. That's when I am in the best mood. I get very down hearted when I know that my fate depends on the decisions of other people. I'd rather have a shoot out at the O.K. corral. I loose touch with my happiness on those other days and it's hard to get a smile out of me. I'm just an unhappy human being.

Tomorrow I will be alright again, because it is my day to do with as I please. I'll be my own mistress and make up my own mind about things. I'll vacuum and dust and do the laundry and sit and ponder things and feel generally good.

I have an appointment with my SPN in the morning. I'll be able to unload there a bit, Get my frustrations out.

Right, that was it for me for today. Time to go get comfortable in my pajamas. I do so like that moment of the day.

Hope you all had a nice day. Don't let the b******s get you down.

Ciao....