Take me away again...

It's hard to figure out my what my schedule is today. That's because I was up most of the night and didn't go back to bed early this morning. I sat in my alternative armchair instead and read my novel while drinking numerous glasses of tea with sugar. That was very cozy but did cause a shortage of sleep that I had to make up for later in the morning after I had seen my SPN. 

I'm making headway through my novel and getting more interested in it as I do. I'm halfway through it now but consider myself lucky that I only have half of it left to read. You can tell that I'm not enjoying it as well as I should. I can't help it. It's a tough one to like. 'We Were The Mulvaneys' is not for the casual reader and that's exactly what I feel like now. I will have to choose something completely different for my next read. 

I took a nap later in the morning but was awakened from it prematurely by my neighbor who had found a piece of mail addressed to me in his mailbox. This always distresses him very much and instead of putting it in my mailbox, he feels compelled to ring my doorbell and hand it to me personally. He does this very grouchily as if it is all my fault and I planned it on purpose. It's not a nice way to wake up from a nap. 

I walked the dog in the hot sun and heard on the radio that it was going to be the hottest September in 100 years. I'm glad for everybody else that it's such nice weather but for me it doesn't have to be quite that warm. A little bit cooler weather would be alright too. I never feel that I'm appropriately dressed because somehow I can't get into my summer clothes anymore. It's the wrong time of year for them. I'm in the mood for wearing layers now and not skimpy tops.

I didn't do any chores to speak of because my schedule was so messed up and I hardly know what I did with my time. Most of it was lost to nothingness. Oh yes, I did go by the pharmacy for my supply of medicines and came home with a bag full. I shouldn't be proud of that and am not. It's just that I'm all set and won't have to worry about running out for a while. I do feel better when I'm well stocked. 

For the sake of getting some much needed sleep, I took another nap around dinnertime. I had to because I was unable to stay cheerful and alert. I was asleep in no time and slept for a few hours. I think I'm okay now and should be back to normal. I'm not going to do a repeat performance of a night like the one I had. It's not such a good idea to stay up and not get the hours of sleep that you need and watch the sun come up. I don't recommend it to anyone. 

I've got to eat still and I wonder what's on the menu. I would like to be surprised, but I think that won't happen. I can't fool myself and pretend I don't know what I'm fixing. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

In the middle of the night...

I have become incredibly dull in the middle of the night since I've stopped taking the tranquilizers before I go to sleep. I no longer have the emotional highs that helped me write, what I thought, were interesting blog posts. Nor do I get an enormous kick out of caffeine anymore. It helps me think, but it doesn't help me think of anything brilliant. 

I'm thrown back on myself and have to use my own imagination. Unfortunately, that seems to be lacking a lot. I sit here for a long time during the night and try to think of things to write about and find it hard to come up with stuff that's the least bit fascinating. There's no bottomless well to dip into, there 's just a very shallow puddle. And it gets muddy. 

I don't mind sitting here in the middle of the night wasting time behind the computer. That's about as pleasant as it can get. I do mind writing dull posts. In my stubbornness I'm determined to do something about it, but I wonder if I'm even capable of it. I worry that I don't have an original thought left in my head or that I'm so inhibited that I'm incapable of expressing it. 

Well, that's enough philosophizing and I'll get down to the regular business of daily life. That's maybe worth a mention also, although nothing earth shattering happened. It does help you keep both feet on the ground and that's not a bad thing either. It's always good to stay in touch with Mother Earth. 

Yesterday was a pleasant enough day. The weather was beautiful, so there was nothing wrong with that. It truly was like an Indian Summer out there and will be for the rest of the week. That's thrown a wrench in the works for me because I was ready for colder weather and warmer clothes and my winter coat. I did like the crispness in the air we had been having and the cool wind that had been blowing. 

The nights are clear and starry skied, although not as much as on that painting by Vincent van Gogh.  I wonder what wonderful sky he saw when he painted that and what sort of a state of mind he found himself in? 

I dutifully walked the dog when it was time and did my chores. There weren't that many because I had taken care of most of them during the week. It is a nice thing to find yourself caught up on everything. The most important thing was to change the bed so I would have a clean one to take my afternoon nap in. And to do the laundry, of course. 

I made a pan of tomato soup with vermicelli for dinner and shared some with the dog who licked his bowl very clean. It was very good and filling and satisfied my longing for something hearty. I really felt like eating two pork chops but since I'm a vegetarian that's not possible. I just meant to tell you that this vegetarian sometimes longs for meat. Sometimes I would like a T-bone steak with ketchup. 

Since there was nothing much exciting on TV, I went to bed early and got cozy under the duvet. Saturday night is not the most interesting time to watch television. There's light entertainment on. Taggart doesn't come on until after midnight and that's too late for me.

I hope you all have an enjoyable Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping down the noise level...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and cigarette keeping as silent as I can so as not to disturb the neighbors. It's not that I feel like being that noisy, but I'm acutely aware of the peace and quiet that reign around me. 

I assume that everybody else in the apartment building is asleep, like any sensible person should be, but there's more than enough time to sleep this weekend and I'm sure I'll not suffer from a shortage of it. I always do manage to get caught up on my sleep when I have my days off. 

I take advantage of every opportunity to sleep and plan my weekends around it and walks with the dog. The longer the walk, the better the nap. I also, of course, have my TV watching routine and there are programs that I absolutely have to watch, but I'll not skip a nap if I think it's really necessary. 

I'm going to change the sheets on the bed today and do the laundry immediately. I will be able to dry it on the clothesline outside because the weather is going to be beautiful and it will be dry in no time at all. I get the bonus of sleeping between clean smelling sheets.

This coming week we are going to have a bit of an Indian Summer with lots of sunshine and pleasant temperatures. I don't know if that will slow down the dropping of the leaves from the trees. It will be cheerful weather anyway. I won't know what clothes to wear. I was already prepared to wear my cold weather clothes and my winter coat. 

My short haircut is great. I slept on it and it mostly stayed in place. It's going to be easy to take care of. In order not to forget to go to the hairdresser on time, I've written down in my agenda when to make an appointment next. I must take better care of my hair and not wait so long to have it cut. 

It's time to go back to bed. I want to set the alarm clock and get up at a decent time in the morning. I do want to start the day out properly and not linger in bed forever. I do get the weirdest dreams if I sleep too long. 

Have a good Saturday all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

How do I love thee, Sunday...

I'm warmly wrapped up in my bathrobe early in the morning after a chilly, rainy night. It's not actually all that cold in the apartment, but it feels like it is because of the damp air coming in through the open windows. 

It's still too early in the season to close them and to turn on the heater. I won't make the energy company that happy. If I dress warm enough, I won't be bothered by the cool air at all and as the day progresses, it does get a bit warmer in here. 

At this moment, I'm more than ready for the day to start, but it may be a dose of too much optimism on my part and I may change my mind later and go back to bed to sleep a little longer.

The whole point is to get through Sunday in the most optimal way and any method is allowed. However you put your Sunday to use is good. There are no rules. I can be as unregulated as I want to be and do whatever strikes me as right at the moment.

I am going out this afternoon. My sister and I are going to an art exhibit and afterwards we are going to have coffee at her house and lightly celebrate my nephew's birthday. He turned 17 on Friday.

We probably won't be able to sit in the garden because it's not going to be all that warm today and we may get some showers. We're experiencing fall weather, which is only appropriate for this time of the year, I suppose.

I will have to think about which clothes to wear. I suppose it should be Sunday apparel but I'm in the mood for wearing whatever I feel like. I will have to see what I can conjure out of my closet. 

I will have to dress keeping the weather in mind. I don't think it's time yet to wear two layers, but the time for short sleeves is over. It's time for cardigans and long sleeved tops.

I'm yawning and have decided to go back to bed for a while. It's still early in the morning and there's no reason yet to be up. I will take my medicines and pour myself a glass of cold milk and crawl back under the warm duvet. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

On winter coats...

The dreary weather we had been having lately had got me in the proper mood to start thinking about winter coats and how I needed a new one. Last year's winter coat, which was thick and warm and let no cold wind through, had gotten too big on me because of my weight loss. If I wore it, I looked like a skinny bear in his over sized fur coat.

Because it was still the beginning of the season, I thought I might find a good deal if I started looking now and I went on line to my favorite store where there is the biggest selection of clothes to choose from and where the service is very good. 

I had to decide what sort of a coat I wanted and I thought a parka might be best because it would be warmest and also be handy when I rode my bike. A regular winter coat may have been more stylish, but not half as practical and I would have had to worry about being warm enough under all circumstances. 

I soon found one that was nice looking and had all the requirements I was looking for. It was lined and had a hood and big pockets and a zipper and snaps. I needed the big pockets to carry my keys and mobile phone and baggies in when I walked the dog. Also to put my gloves in when for some reason I was temporarily not wearing them. 

As parkas go, it was an attractive coat and not merely because the model who was wearing it in the picture was. The price was very nice too and that was important too me. 

I had to decide which size to get, but I knew that clothes from that particular brand had a tendency to run on the small side, so I ordered it one size bigger than I normally would have.

Then I had to wait for it to arrive and in the meantime I kept my fingers crossed and hoped that I would like it as much as I thought I did. 

On the day it arrived, I couldn't wait to open the package. The dog wanted to help me tear it open because he thinks every package is for him. It took some doing to open it neatly and keep it intact as much as possible in case there was anything wrong with the parka and I had to return it. 

I pulled it out and it looked okay. I put it on over the two layers of clothes that I was wearing that day because it was a cold day. It seemed to fit, but I still had to close the zipper. Much to my relief, this went without a hitch and the parka fit me as if it was made for me without any excess inches to spare. 

I went to look in the full length mirror and saw that it had a very flattering cut which made me look skinny. It was also very snug and warm. Now I couldn't wait for it to become wintertime so I would be able to wear it, though I supposed that autumn would be alright too, as long as it was cold enough.

I very reluctantly took it off and hung it on the coat rack because it wasn't the right time to wear it and it hasn't been yet. As a matter of fact, today it's going to be 82F degrees and I'll be skimpily dressed. It's not going to be very cold in the coming week either, so that parka will stay on the coat rack. 

I can't actually wish for cold weather when we've had so little nice weather simply because I've got a good winter coat now. That would be awfully shortsighted. I'm sure I would tire of the cold soon enough and start complaining about it. But it's nice to know that I'm well prepared.

Ciao,

Nora

Stealing the early hours of the morning....

I'm ever so content sitting here rather early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I've got a half way decent day to look forward to and there's not much that can get in the way of my good mood and me, except that it will be raining today. 

Hopefully it will mostly be a drizzle like it was yesterday when it only rarely rained straight forward. I walked the dog in it and we did get wet, but it was no disaster. The dog got mostly damp on the bottom half from the wet grass he walked through. 

Luckily, there weren't any puddles for him to wade through because that's his favorite thing to do. He doesn't care if he gets wet. He's totally indifferent, so I think he must be related to a duck. 

The cat came in last night dappled in rain drops and I was afraid to pet her in case I made it worse. She sat on my lap and slowly dried and by the time I was ready to go to bed her fur was completely dried up again. 

She did very cozily find her warm spot to sleep on the bed. No doubt she had not enjoyed getting wet very much, knowing cats in general. Possibly she had been surprised by a shower while she was out. 

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees and I've already had to sweep the patio once. This turned out to be not too bad of a job and I was done in no time. If I do it once a week I will keep it under control and I won't feel like I'm overwhelmed. 

No doubt, one week the leaves will decide to fall off all at once and I'll have my work cut out for me.

For as cold and dreary as it is now, that's how warm it is going to be tomorrow with temperatures in the 80's. It will call for completely different clothes and I will have to put my cowboy boots back in the closet for a day or so. We've had these odd Saturdays of hot weather off and on.

Some weather god must smile on us during the weekends and feel that we deserve good weather at least then. 

I've done a lot of laundry this week and it amazes me how much of it one person can produce. I'm almost caught up. It's only the capacity of the drying rack that slows me down. 

I change my bed a lot, so I always have a lot of sheets to wash. They take up a lot of space. The outside clothesline is unavailable because of the rain, which is a shame because sun dried sheets smell the best. I imagine I sleep better between them. 

I've got to take my morning dose of medicines and go back to bed for a while. I'm not quite done sleeping yet. No doubt I'll be woken up by the Exfactor when he gets here this morning. I'll have coffee with him and that will leave me time to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday, early in the morning...

Apparently, I've slept long enough because I'm up bright eyed and bushy tailed, having my cups of coffee and feeling wide awake and ready to start the day. How this situation came about I don't quite know myself either, but I'll enjoy the moment while I can. I hope it lasts more than a moment, as a matter of fact. I hope the feeling lasts for the rest of the day because that would make me one happy camper. 

I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and the animals are sound asleep in various spots in the living room. It's too early for them to start the day. They are used to me getting up much later than this. I don't mind the temporary peace and quiet this gives me. At least I don't have to get into action yet and toss balls and pour dishes of milk. I do it with love, but sometimes I like a time out. 

It was raining when I got up and rain is predicted for the rest of the day. I really don't mind too much, except that I do have to go out in it this afternoon when I'm going to see my sister and her friend. I do know which outfit I'm going to wear today and it's something completely different than what I have been wearing. 

For a change I'm not going to be wearing one of my pairs of skinny jeans. I think the novelty of them has worn off by now and I'm ready to wear some of my other clothes. I'm ready to wear a dress again. I do first have to clean up all the clothes I've been wearing this past week and that are lying around in the bathroom. 

It's not as if I haven't got an organized closet to put them in and there's always laundry to do. Things can easily get washed if they're needed to. I've got about two loads to do and I will do them today. At least I'm in the mood for them. They will not be a horrible chore that I'm not looking forward to. In my present mood, I can handle laundry. Besides, it's usually one of my more favorite jobs. 

It's not very cold in here but I had to put my bathrobe on nevertheless. I think it is because it's so damp that it feels colder. We won't have any sunshine at all today and it will feel like fall out there. That means it's going to be dark in the living room and I will have to turn some lights on to make it cozy. 

I think I will get into action now and start cleaning up my clothes. At least I know that I won't run out of hangers. I've got enough of them. There's enough space on my shelves too since the purge. 

I hope you'll all have a good Sunday, although with a little bit of sunshine. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget about moodiness...

This morning, when I finally managed to get up, I was very grumpy and dreaded the day. I hadn't had my medicines yet and was in dire need of some cups of coffee. However, being so grumpy, I didn't realize that until I had taken my medicines and had the coffee. After that, I was doing so much better that it was a difference between night and day and I thought I had been in the depths of a depression. 

It goes to show you that you shouldn't draw your conclusions about your mood prematurely. That everything is very quickly changeable, as changeable as the Dutch weather and that you can go from one mood to another in the shortest amount of time. Nothing is permanent, especially not the mood you wake up with. It's just a temporary chemical imbalance that needs to be set straight.

This does bother me and I wish it wasn't so and that I was more predictable. I don't like waking up in a bad mood because it fools me every time. I never think it will get better. I think I'm doomed and will stay that way for the rest of the day and maybe permanently so. I try to imagine another kind of scenario but find it very difficult to. 

Anyway, now I feel better and I'm capable of thinking more positive thoughts, though I'm not quite ready to tackle the dishes yet. They do need to get done, I can't get out from underneath them. There really aren't that many, it's just the idea of them that I have a problem with. 

But I think I'm still seeing the shadow of 'the black dog.' He isn't quite gone from my life yet. He's walking around in the undergrowth and causing me some problems still and, although my medication has been increased, I think maybe it's not been enough yet. I'm going to have to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I'm living on the margins of maybe being okay sometimes and that's not close enough. 

Leave it to me to make this more serious than I had intended. I wanted to write something more lighthearted than this, but sometimes you have to put your thoughts down to get things clear for yourself in the process. Sometimes these blog posts are purely therapeutic in value. Very selfishly so. 

It's 80F outside and the sun is shining in an almost bright blue sky. We've finally got a summer's day. There's no breeze to speak of and the leaves on the trees are barely moving. It was very pleasant when I took the dog out for a walk. Tomorrow is going to be cooler and we may have some spotty showers. I won't hold my breath for them. 

Tonight the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be on. Mr Darcy is going to pop the question. Everybody will presumably live happily ever after, but we will never know. I sure hope so for their sake. I want to believe in romance to some extend. I do make the occasional exception with my cynical heart.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Multiple cups of coffee...

For some reason the domestic help didn't show up this afternoon. In a way it was good because It gave me the opportunity to take a long nap. I needed it because I had gotten up early this morning after I had been up half the night. I was very tired and dragging my butt. The nap got me over the worst of it.

Needless to say, I needed lots of coffee when I got up. I was even in a bad mood when I first woke up and had to face the last little bit of the afternoon. As if it was such a huge undertaking. You'd have thought that somebody had asked me to walk a mile for a cigarette. I couldn't have been grumpier, but a cup of coffee got me over that quickly. 

I'm still yawning now, but I think that's a good sign. I assume that means that I'll sleep well tonight. I'll stop drinking coffee anyway and switch to cold milk. There's no need to get a caffeine high. 

I'm wearing my size 14 skinny jeans that I tried to shrink in very hot water, but they're still too big on me. I had to put a belt around them so they wouldn't keep sliding down my hips. I had to hitch them up continually. The belt is a good solution and now I feel at ease and like I can walk around normally. I can even jump up and down if I want to without embarrassing myself. Belts are great inventions. 

It was supposed to be a warm day today, but the sun didn't come out until some time in the afternoon. There was a cloud cover before that time and it was kind of chilly. It is just now getting pleasantly warm outside and the afternoon is almost over. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 83F, but I'll wait and see if that's really going to be the case or if half of the day is going to be cold again.

The dog is sound asleep beneath the dining table, oblivious of everything. I still have to take him for a walk and it will be nice to be out there in the sunshine. He was on the bed with me when I took my nap and I think he wasn't quite done sleeping when I got up. He's snoring now.

The cat slept beside my head on the pillow. She leaves just enough room for me to put my head down. Lying beside my pillow isn't good enough for her anymore. She has to get more up close and personal than that. She's a good cat, though, and I'm willing to share the space. As long as she doesn't fart. She does do that sometimes.

The sun is shining on the windows and I can see where the dog slobbered on them. I have to go and clean that up. It looks terrible and like someone doesn't care. 

Have a nice evening you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

The pesky dog strikes again...

The dog has been out back three times already and still he wants to go outside again. I refuse to let him because I don't want to stand by the back door one more time and wait for him to get done with whatever he does in the dark out there. 

So I have to ignore him, even though he looks at me with pleading brown eyes that will melt your heart. I have to be tough, but it doesn't come easy. He's such a sweet little animal. I know that every move I make will give him hope. 

Needless to say, it's in the middle of the night and I've already slept my requisite hours for now. Because it's Saturday, I feel that I can be very careless and not worry about when I go back to bed and how late I will sleep this morning, but it will probably be just like any other day. 

It's just an illusion that the weekend days are different than the weekdays. It's all in my mind. I just have a sense of freedom that I actually can have during the week most of the time too, unless I have an appointment and those don't happen all that frequently. 

I must somehow gain the same sense of liberation during the week that I have on the weekends, except that I don't know yet how to do it. I always feel that the sword of Damocles hangs over me during the week and that anything at all can happen and I prepare for the worst, leaving my stomach tied up in knots a lot. 

I realize that I have to learn to relax more and to apply the techniques that I have learned in yoga more often. I do that quite a bit, but I think I forget to at some crucial moments. I think the nap that I take during the afternoon is the thing that helps me get through the day. If it weren't for that, I would carry a lot more stress with me. 

Absolutely nothing of interest at all was on TV last night, so I made it a short night and went to bed early. I very cozily laid under my warm duvet with the cover with little red roses on it and listened to the radio. The dog and the cat cavorted on the bed for a while before they settled down. 

They don't care if I'm lying in it. They just stumble right over me. I'm just an obstacle to get over that's in the way of them. They do, after a while, calm down and find their spot to lie down next to me. That's when I can go to sleep properly. 

We have nothing but cold and rainy weather to look forward to for a while. I'm not sure how I feel about this and I don't know if the weather is affecting my outlook. I don't mind that the temperatures are cool, but I think that I do miss the sunshine.

I'm looking forward to lying in bed and listening to the rain come down. To me that is the coziest sound. It is one of the pleasures of life. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning and a splendid day. 

Ciao,

Nora

No chickens crossing the street...

It's early in the morning and any time now the sun is going to come up. It will not be the spectacular sight I make it out to be. It will slowly get light and there will not be musical accompaniment as there would be in a documentary narrated by David Attenborough. It will be a very understated event. An every day occurrence.

On top of that, it is foggy now and it will be cloudy later, so you can well imagine that it will not look like I am on the Serengeti Plains. Today will be just a bad weather day in the Netherlands in July. We're stuck under a low pressure system. 

It would be nice if life were accompanied by a permanent appropriate soundtrack, but there is no such thing, although I guess people with iPods would disagree with that. Maybe it would become somewhat nerve wrecking after a while if every experience were set to music, even if it was the music of your choice. 

I would need a lot of Baroque, for instance. Lots of Bach. That would fit my life best. For me no highly dramatic, sweeping movements by Mahler. That would be way too emotional. I would only go as far as Vivaldi for the bigger events. 

Let's face it, though. There are no really big events in my life anymore. They're all well behind me. All I have left now is the preciseness of every day predictability and the false sense of control that I try to keep over it. 

I say it is a false sense because you rarely can control all the events in your life. You are always left vulnerable because you're a human being and part of a whole. You'd have to be a recluse not to be exposed to that. 

***

I watched a fun thriller last night. It was called 'Sherlock' and yes, there was a Dr Watson, but it played in the present time and there was no question of time travel. There had never been another Sherlock Holmes. I was a bit skeptical at first, but it turned out to be a brilliant episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope there's another episode on soon because I'll be watching it with pleasure. 

***

Yesterday was a shitty day. I was in a state of depression practically all day. It didn't lift until the evening, like it usually does when the day is over. I don't know what to make of it and I don't know what the cause of it is. I'll blame it on the weather for lack of a better reason. 

I do so intensely dislike my moods and the eternal shifts in them that I find unpredictable. I always try to find the reason, but it is not always obvious and when I think I have found it, it very often doesn't turn out to be the right one. 

All I can hope for is a shift toward a better mood and that this doesn't take too long. I do feel like a puppet on a string. 

***

I must go back to bed. I've got some sleeping left to do. Today should be a quite ordinary day without surprises in it. I've got to do some chores, but nothing spectacular. There is going to be rain and it should be a good day to read. 

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Exit - stage right.

I'm waiting for the dog to wake up so we can go for our evening stroll around the fields. It's not raining now, so it would be the perfect opportunity. There is a brisk wind blowing, but I've put some strong hairspray on my hair that's hurricane proof, so I have nothing to worry about. 

The dog is snoring in the armchair, but I know that just as easily he can wake up any moment. It's just a nap he's taking. I know he has to go out because he hasn't eaten his dinner yet. He only does that after he has been aired properly. He does have his steady habits. 

I've taken a nap, so I'm in good shape. I was doing less well before I took it and that is because I was woken up prematurely by my personal helper this morning. I wasn't done sleeping yet.

I had set the alarm clock, but had shut it off and turned over for some more sleep. I was taken by surprise when she rang the intercom. It took two cups of coffee for me to become enthused about being up, but I was approachable and not grumpy. I just didn't move and talk at a great speed right away. 

I've got a decent outfit on and I will try to wear it as long as possible this week. I must try to keep it clean. It's very warm and comfortable and it looks good and those are my main concerns.

I was wearing something yesterday that looked okay, but it made my flabby stomach stick out and that won't do at all. I had to keep trying to remember to tighten my muscles and of course I didn't. That made me look like a saggy old woman, unless you only looked at me selectively. 

I'm very critical of how other people look, so I assume they in turn are critical of how I look. Or maybe it is the other way around. I don't know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. I'm sure I have some sort of complex. 

I watched 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' on YouTube. I had never seen that movie, although I tried to watch it once on an airplane very unsuccessfully. I'm going to watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' next. I can see how a person could get completely hooked on these movies. It's especially interesting to see the actors get older with each one. 

I have to wake up the dog and take him for a walk. At the rate he is sleeping, we're never going to go anywhere. I still have to eat dinner and watch the news. There will be no thriller on tonight. Too bad, but there's that movie. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao, 

Nora

Bedtime stories...

I'm perfectly content right now and want to savor the moment. Or should I say, the long moments that I will be content because I know it's going to last a while. It's not over until the fat lady sings and there's no fat lady around here anywhere, nor is there likely to be one in the middle of the night. At least not within my hearing distance. There will be no sudden opera arias sung. I will fall out of my chair with surprise if there are.

I always say this, but I'm drinking a very good cup of coffee and doubtlessly that has put me in a good mood. Caffeine is one of my preferred choices of chemical addictions, after all. It and nicotine are my crutches as befits a writer. I should write crime fiction on a portable Remington and live in the 50's when everyone was oblivious.

I'm sitting here with a new haircut which I got yesterday. My very own hairdresser cut my hair and she did a fabulous job, but that's for me to claim and for you to believe. It's very short and I love to run my fingers through it. It's indestructible hair. 

Everybody else and their sister had been cutting my hair lately, except for my very own hairdresser, and they all had done a decent job, but not as good as she has done now. We were trying to remember yesterday how long she has been cutting my hair and could not think of the number of years it had been exactly, but it has been a long time. 

My hair always lightens up after it has been cut. It must be that the gray hair shows up more, but I like the look of it and walk down the street proudly afterwards. I'm not the least bit vain, of course. My hairdresser fixes my hair with gel, something I'm never able to do well myself, and for the rest of the day I have a cute hairdo until I sleep on it. I'll have to wash it in the morning to get it to look decent again. 

Today is going to be a cool day with rain and drizzle, so I'll have to wear completely different clothes than I did yesterday when it was so warm. A low pressure system from France has come over us. For a change our weather is not coming from England. It's moving north toward Scandinavia and then turning around and moving over us again causing a double whammy. 

I have a day off without any appointments. I actually wish I did have some because I'm more in the mood to have some action in my life at the moment. I have to try and amuse myself in the best possible way without getting into any trouble and without getting wet. And without spending money. That's very restrictive, isn't it? 

I think I will go look for something interesting to do now because I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. The fat lady isn't singing yet. 

Ciao,

Nora

Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 

Ciao,

Nora