Thursday, March 04, 2010

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.



laurie said...

you are certainly not cowardly. you are very very brave, facing these things even when they terrify and exhaust you. i admire you very much, irene.

i wonder if you should wait to cut back on your medications until you talk to the therapist? do it gradually, under their watch? it might take a little longer that way, but it would go a little easier....

best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I sometimes have days like that, where I just want to sit and do nothing except watch tv and relax, even though I don't need to.

I hope the exfactor helps you to get on with the day, and manages to help you sort out the mail.

CJ xx

aims said...

I can't open envelopes any more either my friend - nor can I go to the grocery store.

You have taken all this on when you split from the ex-factor and it was suddenly put in your lap and that's very hard to take suddenly. It would scare me every time the mail came and going grocery shopping is just a horrendous experience.

I know what you are talking about.

Please remember - part of what you are feeling today is because you didn't take that pill. Tell yourself that my friend. Over and over. It's just the pill - it's just the pill - it's just the pill.

If you feel it is too much to handle take half of the pill instead of no pill at all. Just for a while.

I'm here - always here.

Casdok said...

I admire your honesty. Good to know the exfactor is there for you.

Bernie said...

I am so sorry you are having these feelings of fear over everyday living. Please know you are not alone and that people do care about you.
Keeping you in my heart and prayers always.....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

I would never call you cowardly! I would call you creative, selectively active, caring and giving.

Sometimes withdrawal from medicine causes reactions we could never think, so be careful and wean slowly...maybe cutting the dosage a little at a time.

監控 said...