Wednesday, March 03, 2010

On top of the world...

I'm having a very sleepy day. Each time I get up and think I'm done sleeping, it turns out I'm wrong and I have to go back to the sofa and sleep a few more hours and that is how I've been passing the time today. No cup of coffee has helped me get over it yet and I don't want to drink too much coffee, so I've switched to drinking cold milk. Tyke has been very accommodating and only wrecked the plant on the coffee table while I was asleep. That's the most damage he's done in all those hours and I couldn't even get mad about it. It wasn't his fault that he was left unsupervised and bored to tears.

I'm trying to pull myself together now, but I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I don't know when I'll get dressed or if I'll get dressed. If I hadn't just been sick, I'd say I was getting sick, but I know I'm not. It's purely psychological, this tiredness. Maybe it is in reaction to the excitement I've been feeling at the prospect of me quitting my medication and that playing such a large role in my life these past few days. The thought has consumed me.

I'm also looking a lot at my feelings and emotions and behavior and deciding what is within the range of 'normal' and what could be labeled as pathological, or what could actually be a side effect of all the drugs I take. I've decided that a lot of it is 'normal' and that I'm not as far off course as I think I am. Certain feelings disappear quickly if I don't put a label on them. Like snow for the sun. It's the labeling that makes them important and pathological. It makes me look crazier than I am. It's something that I can change right now this minute.

The drugs I take have so many side effects that it's not even funny. If you read about the side effects, you would think long and hard before taking them, and taking them in combination with each other too. It's really no wonder that I have such altering moods during the day and that I have anxiety attacks and that I'm so tired so often and that I basically lack a personality.

Well, that's enough about that for now. It does rile me up.

The sun has been shining all day as far as I know. There's a bright blue sky and it's 5C. It's warm inside the living room because the sun shines right into the windows, which is nice in the wintertime, but not so nice in the summertime when it's hot. Oh look, I'm complaining about the summertime and it's not even spring yet.

I'm going to get dressed and walk the dog. The poor animal does have to go out once in a while.

Have a happy day.



Anonymous said...

Well, maybe your body is telling you to rest. I don't think coffee is good for you anyway, and won't help to keep you awake in the long run.

Take it easy and look after yourself.

CJ xx

Nezzy said...

Oh sweetie, I'll pray that those sun shinny rays penetrate your body liftin' ya'll up and giving you your old spark back again. You know your self better than anyone else and know when it is time to see a doc again, it very well could be your meds.

May God touch you in a special way today, from the hills and hollers of the Ozark Ponderosa!!!

aims said...

What a great pic you've chosen for today my friend. I love it!

Part of you is overwhelmed with what you fear is going to happen when you start decreasing the drugs. I think that is natural. You are going from the unknown of the drug and its side-affects to the unknown of how you are going to feel as you decrease them.

Sleeping is our way of hiding from real life too. Or maybe you think you need to sleep now because once you are drug free you won't feel like sleeping at all! :0)

Taking baby steps is the way to go. And sometimes - just sometimes - we analyze ourselves far too much.

You are a wonderful person. I for one love you like a close friend and do not fault you for anything.

Be strong - even while you sleep. Somedays I'd give anything to be able to sleep during the day.


Wisewebwoman said...

Most people, dear GSW, succumb to the Pharma-Cocktail and never consider relinquishing it. I know far too many like that.
It is to your strength of self and conviction that enables you to question this path and ponder the alternatives with excitement rather than fear.

Gail said...

You have a plan, that is good. Body speaks, you listen.

I thought of that plant when you put it there and thought, oh, no, Tyke! Just be sure the poison ones are too high for him to reach.

Hope your day and your night are equally wonderful. Spring is coming and it should raise all our spirits.