Monday, April 26, 2010

A busy day...

Being nearly out of tobacco, I walked with Tyke to the tobacconist at 8:30 am and got a new supply. Tyke's smart enough to know where we are going now and walks into the shop on his own and tries to wait patiently, which is tough to do when you are a little dog. He also can't wait to be outside again and return to the business of smelling everything in the gutter, which means it takes twice as long to get home, as I either wait patiently or drag him with me.

When I got home, I took a quick nap on the sofa and then did the few chores I had to do in a hurry before the personal helper would get there. She did at 11:15 and turned out to be a very nice woman who I got along with well. We made a plan of action and filled out a questionnaire and generally got to know each other and decided to call each other by our first names. She starts on Thursday.

After she left I had a quick cup of coffee before I went to my psychiatrist. I wore my leather jacket and a scarf on my way over there on my bike because it was cold. I find that I can't tell you what went on between my psychiatrist and me, but it was monumental and had to do with guilt and sadness and unconditional love, which I have a shortage of in my life. It makes me very sad to write this down as all the feelings of that session return, so I will leave that alone now.

Actually, I don't feel like writing all of this down at all. I feel very tired and want to do nothing more than go to bed and sleep. Nothing seems as attractive as my bed right now and the warm duvet and my book and something to eat. So I think that's what I'll do now. Maybe later tonight there will be more blogging.

Have a nice evening.



I got up on time to answer my emails and have some coffee and smoke some cigarettes and blog a little. Before I do anything today, I have to go to the tobacconist to get my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. I can walk Tyke at the same time and then do a few chores around here. I have to get the apartment ready for the domestic help. There can't be any kind of a chaos for her to start with, not even a little one. So I must organize the kitchen and clean up some things that are lying around in the various rooms.

There's a bowl of porridge sitting in the kitchen that I have to throw out, because I couldn't eat it. My gastric band didn't allow me to. I think my stomach shrank. After just a few bites I was awfully full and had to stop eating. I did manage to eat some curried rice noodles later. They were pretty good, although they weren't what I had asked the Exfactor to buy for me. I had asked him for small packages of flavoured rice. Something got lost in the translation between women's talk and men's interpretation. Isn't it always like that?

I may be awake, but I think I'm not quite done sleeping yet and I look forward to the end of the day when I'll be able to take a nap. Goodness, I can look forward to that already. I'm like an old lady who needs to get her forty winks in. Sleep plays such a big role in my life, either as in too much of it or not enough of it.It all depends on what time of day or night it is. I constantly fall asleep with my reading glasses and my reading light on. My book drops out of my hands onto the floor. So far Tyke hasn't demolished it. I'm still looking forward to the day when I will sleep 8 hours straight again like I was doing for awhile. It's a shame that this stopped, because it was very pleasant.

Since I'm planning to wear my summer clothes today, I do hope that the weather is going to be nice. I didn't watch the news last night, so I have no idea of the forecast. Last night, after that splendid weather we had during the day, it rained and everything has gotten refreshed. The sky is overcast now and it doesn't look too promising. Actually, I shouldn't make it sound like that is a big deal. All I have to do is dress warm enough, because I really don't mind cool days and a little rain. I just means a change of plan in what I am going to wear. I think I can deal with that. That would be the least of my worries and I can wear socks and my cowboy boots and I will be nice and warm. Not to mention a scarf.

Tyke is barking at phantom people walking by. He does that at night too when the blinds are closed. He barks at the windows as if there is someone there. It doesn't scare me, because I feel pretty safe here and I think his bark will scare anyone away, he sounds like a big dog. I do wonder what in his imagination sets him off, though. He must be very alert and imagine all sorts of people trying to break into the apartment.

Oh, I was just out back with him and it is cold out. I will dress very warmly. It is not at all going to be a nice warm spring day. Well, it will be fun to choose my clothes for today. My imagination is working overtime already, but it will be better if I dive in my closet and see what is there. There are always forgotten surprises. Clothes that temporarily disappear in the chaos and then reappear again. The closet is too full and not organized well enough any more.

Right, it is time to take my medicines and to get dressed. I wish I had gotten my hair cut, because I can't do a thing with it. Isn't that a famous last line?


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Temporarily up...

I took a nap and it was nice and now I'm up for awhile, but I plan to be in bed before midnight. I'm just checking to see if my mood has improved any. I think it has and that I may be more cheerful, though I'm not dancing around the room, but I don't do that as a rule anyway, unless another very cheerful person is with me. Maybe a Tyrolean in short leather pants who's had a lot of Schnapps to drink.

When I woke up,Tyke washed my face and my neck and my ears and I said, "Thank you very much." Sometimes he gets that way and gives me a good cleaning. It feels very pleasant and ticklish, but it makes you smell like dog, so another wash is in order.

I just had a cup of coffee, but I'm switching to milk now, because I don't want to be up all night like I was last night. I do have to get some sleep tonight, because tomorrow is a busy day and I can't afford to sleep late in the morning. It's a shame that I have to function during the day, but so be it. The rest of mankind does too.

I think I need a different kind of life, one wherein I live a secluded life on an island that's sparsely populated and where time almost stands still and where there are few modern facilities. I would just have to have an endless supply of books and many bookcases, but I would have to be away from society as far as possible and be oblivious of the days of the year. Now, where would I find a place like that? I have to give this some serious thought. What do I do with the rest of my life?

Tyke's decided that this is a good time to chase Gandhi around. She's hopping from one piece of furniture to the next trying to get away from him. She's finally made it to the kitchen counter and Tyke is sitting here quite disappointed. Oh no, she's made an error. She's jumped off the counter and walked into the bedroom. Tyke followed her and any moment now I will here a racket. That silly cat. Or should I say, that darn dog?

It's time to go to bed and I haven't told you anything interesting yet. Tomorrow morning my personal helper comes for an introductory meeting. Then I have to go to my psychiatrist, and after that the domestic help comes. A little bit of a lot all at once. Those are the most interesting things I have to tell you.

Sleep tight.


Late in the afternoon...

It will be early evening by the time I'm done writing this, but never mind. The title stands.

It's been an unpleasant day and for as good as I felt yesterday, that's how bad I've felt today. A complete opposite situation, in other words. I'm trying the trick with the coffee, but I'm not being very successful so far. I've tried to get my head in a different frame of mind, but I'm not managing it very well. I don't know exactly what the problem is, except that I've lost my happy outlook and I can't find it anywhere and now everything is doom and gloom.

I've tried to keep myself busy with the odd job, but it hasn't helped very much. I even tried to cut my hair, but the scissors were too dull. I don't have a pair of really good ones and must invest in some.

Since the weather is so nice today, I've had to find different clothes to wear and switch my cowboy boots for summer shoes. Tyke thought this was really interesting and followed me around, sniffing my feet and biting my shoes. He's only known me with boots on.

Finding summer clothes wasn't that hard and they still fit me. That's always a relief. It means that I can't wear my scarves any more and I'll miss them, but I can wear necklaces. I've had to take off the silver rings as my fingers were starting to itch, so now I'm not wearing any, which is fine. I'm undefined and plain old hands are okay too.

I'm still wearing leggings under my skirt, as I don't want to show my bare legs yet. It's a little bit too early in the season for that. Besides, they lack colour and are as white as milk bottles. Somehow I have to get them tanned a bit. I may have to sit in my sister's garden and figure out a way to stand sitting in the sun. It's not my favourite thing to do. I used to sit on the beach in California, but that was when I was young and ignorant about skin cancer.

I just finished a cup of coffee, but I'm awfully tired. I need to go take Tyke for a walk, but I think after that I will go to sleep. That seems like the most wonderful idea right now and completely like what I need.

It's just a short post, but it will have to do. I can't always be long winded.

Have a good evening.


In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early and despite my intention to sleep for a long time, I am up again, having a mug of coffee and cigarettes by the light of my desk lamp. Everything is very peaceful and quiet, but for the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Tyke's asleep by my feet and the cats are asleep in various places in the apartment. Who could picture a more perfect setting? I do so love tranquillity and I must have been born in a very quiet place to love it so. I always feel as if I'm submerged in it as if I were a fish in an ocean, but it allows me to breathe as if it were fresh air, which indeed it is, because it is ratified air such as you would find in a monastery where there is no noise but that of quiet prayer, whispered before an altar in an ancient chapel with flickering candle light. I may have been a monk in an other life. The hours would have suited me.

Instead I sit here in my living room surrounded by the accoutrements of my life, the things I can't do without, though I could take a roll of trash bags and empty drawers and cabinets of a lot of unnecessary debris. I would like to go through my life as unburdened as possible and leave as little behind as I can. I've got a way to go in unburdening myself, but it's a plan I have for the near future. I would like to get rid of everything that I don't need or want and have lots of empty space. That seems to me the ideal situation. In the end it only comes down to a few items anyway. I travelled to the Netherlands with my clothes, my books and my music and I would like to get it down to that again as much as possible.

I do have my artwork. my unframed, as yet, collages and my paintings and sculptures. Those I need to keep or find good homes for. I don't know how much of that my daughter will want. Most of my books are in English, so she will want those. Look at me, planning the end of my life already. One should always be prepared. I want to be like my parents and leave as little mess behind me as possible. It makes it easier for those who have to clean up after you. No morbid thoughts are attached to this. it's just a matter of practicality and the sense of my own mortality and what you drag around with you in this life, what you are burdened with. You have to leave quality stuff behind you.

I've started reading "Larry's Party," but I'm just at the beginning of it, so I don't know what to think of it yet, though it is well written. Just to be on the safe side, I have ordered "The Republic of Love, " which I read a long time ago, but have no memory of. It was during a time when I read an awful lot of books and I think I didn't absorb half of them and could read those again. A lot of them are on my wish list. I have a 162 books on my wish list and would like to do nothing better than to order them all at once in one fell swoop. It would wipe out my budget for the next 2 months an I would be unable to pay bills and buy food, but wouldn't it be great? I would love to receive boxes of books and frantically try to make room for them on my bookcases. I think a person can't have too many books, unless they're old and ratty.

I have 2 books by David Guterson and 2 by Michael Cunningham, but I'm unfamiliar with both of them and a little hesitant to start on them. I don't read male authors a lot, but these came recommended and I thought they might be worth a try. I just need to sit down and start reading them and come to my own conclusions, but I'm so picky about books and I hate to be disappointed, or worse, aggravated. The male point of view can be just a little more ruthless than the female, but that may be a prejudiced thought of me and the last male author I read, Sebastian Barry, I really liked a lot because of his sensitivity, so anything is possible. The preconceived ideas I have aren't necessarily true.

I've had two cups of coffee and have now switched to milk. You do start to burp after the second cup. At least I do, but that may be due to my gastric band. I like the taste of coffee, but only up to a point. After a certain amount I want something else to quench my thirst. I'm always in the mood for food that I don't have in the house. Right now it is thick and creamy yoghurt. I have no such thing in the refrigerator. I do have a package of noodles and may try that. I haven't eaten anything for awhile. When I do eat, I stay full for a long time and it takes some time before I am hungry again. It can take a whole day before I'm ready to eat again and even then it's not so much because I'm hungry. That's what the gastric band does.

It's funny how I can spend a whole night feeling absolutely no discomfort whatsoever, but completely at ease in my skin. The night must be my element. Someone said that it had to do with the chemicals in your brain at night. Something about them being more soothing. I forgot how exactly she worded it. For all I know it's the after effects of the sleeping pill. Whatever it is, it is very pleasant. I have no worries at night and feel very safe. I only start to get stress during the day when I feel i need to be alert against potential disasters, not that those happen a lot. It's just an old instinctive feeling. Maybe it's genetic memory. It's a good thing I have a dog.

I'm going to have some porridge now and after that take my medicines and go back to bed. It will be nice and warm there and cosy under the duvet. I've got my book and nothing can hurt me. Have a good morning when you wake up and have a good Sunday. Remember, it's a day of rest, so do something restful. Enjoy the flowers in your garden or the horses in your meadow or the wonderful results of your artwork.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.


Awake again...

I slept for 5 hours and then I was awake again. I checked and double checked, but I really was. Those sleeping pills don't work for more than 4 hours, so I was lucky that I slept the extra hour. The first thing I did was make myself a cup of coffee. A mug, actually, and then I installed myself behind the computer to check my emails.

However, Tyke had other ideas and wanted to be walked, so I had to get dressed and take him for a spin around the field. The weather was lovely outside and I didn't need my jacket. I am still wearing my cowboy boots, though, but I think it's time I start looking at my summer shoes. At least if it keeps being this nice out. My little toe will be very relieved to have the pressure taken off it, especially if I wear sandals. I can't imagine not constantly wearing socks after all these months and hardly know what my feet look like. As long as I've still got 5 toes on each foot it will be all right.

Tyke is very happily ripping apart an old leather case that I wasn't using for anything any more. He does manage to find the most interesting things to play with and I constantly have to pick up all the little bits and pieces. He has no concept of what is a toy and what is not. Anything that is leather or plastic or paper is good for him, as long as he can rip it apart. I suppose he's practising ripping his prey apart. Oh, now he's got an empty cat food box out of the paper box. I wonder how he's going to handle that? He does have a very happy life. It's the little things that make it so.

Gandhi keeps trying to sit on my lap when I sit behind the computer, but she walks on the keyboard when she does, so I don't want her here. It's a repeat performance every time, though, and she doesn't give up trying, no matter how often I pick her up and set her on the dining table. It's great to be adored so, but the timing is all wrong. Of course, she likes everyone and will climb on any lap available. All she requires is comfort and love and she gets that by being a sweetheart.

Tyke's shredded that box in 5 minutes flat. It's unrecognisable now. I asked him, "Did you do that, did you make that mess?" and he very proudly wagged his tail. I told him. "You have to clean it up now too," but he acted like I was speaking in a foreign language. I can just see him now, picking up all those little pieces of cardboard and putting them into the trash. That would be the day. I'm afraid it's up to me to get it cleaned up. I pay the price for his pleasures. The things I do for that dog!

I just got my second mug of coffee. I moved up the spout of the Senseo machine and now it has stopped leaking, so I will keep it at that height. It's starting to be a machine with an instruction booklet, beside the one it came with, and it's showing signs of ageing. It does get used an awful lot, but still I'm just one person. I always want equipment to outlast me, but I don't realize that it doesn't and that I have to be ready for the day to replace it. I'm going to knock on wood and hope everything lasts for a while.

I'm going to take my medicines in a while and lie down on the sofa with my book. I think I can sleep a little bit more. Oh yes, I do have to clean up that mess first. I have to look on my bookcase and see if I have another book by Carol Shields. If not I have to get ready to pick out another book for my next read and order a new book by her at I do have to allow myself some little pleasures once in a while. A new paperback there is not expensive and doesn't break the budget.

All right then, off I go. I must make my day as pleasurable as possible. Reading and sleeping are nice ways to spend the time. So is blogging, of course, and I will do a lot of that this weekend. I will get through it in the best possible way. So far, so good.

Have a wonderful day. I will here, the sun is shining after all, though I wouldn't mind a little rain shower.



Remember when I said in my very last post that I was going to bed early and that I couldn't wait to get under the duvet with my book? Well, it didn't quite work out like that. I shut off the computer and made myself a bowl of porridge and ate that while I watched a program called "Missing" on the TV. Very quickly after I had eaten, I fell asleep on the sofa and I didn't wake up until just now and now I am wide awake again, albeit somewhat grumpy and disagreeable, but that's why I have the Senseo machine. I'm planning on being agreeable in a short time.

Of course, you don't care if I'm grumpy and disagreeable, but I care. I do get in the way of myself and generally suffer. I turn all my bad moods against myself and give myself a hard time and maybe the occasional innocent bystander too. But I'm the most concerned about myself, because I'm very harsh on myself. I don't tolerate anything that even reeks of negativism and grumpiness is not allowed. It's like sticking needles into your own skin and laughing while your doing it and I'm not talking about the gentle practice of acupuncture. I'm talking about a more torturous sort of thing.

Okay, enough of that. We all know about suffering and bad moods and painful feelings. It's a problem when they strike so often and out of the blue when you least expect them and when you haven't done anything wrong as far as you know. You wonder why you deserve them. It always feels like the wrath of god is upon you. See how I didn't spell that with a capital letter? I didn't want to offend any god in particular.

Anyway, I changed from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome just a few days ago and now suddenly my spell check works again. It seems that all these different browsers have their individual shortcomings, although I must say that I liked Firefox, except for the terrible slowness it created in my computer, so I won't go back to it. I like Google Chrome, but I haven't figured out how the tab sheets work yet. I'm assuming I have a screw loose somewhere, because I can't seem to follow the instructions. One day, when I least expect it, I will solve the problem.

A funny thing is that it gives me the British English spelling, so if you notice a difference in my language, that will be the reason for it. I have changed the setting to American English, but it doesn't care, so when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So I will now write honour and colour and grey. That's how I learned it in the first place. These things always caused me some confusion, so now it's settled.

In the meantime it's getting awfully late and I really ought to think about going to bed, although I'm not sleepy. The only thing that would get me there is my book. I always thought it was cold in my bedroom and today I found out that the window was open at the top. It may have been for a long time and here I've had the heater on. What a terrible faux pas, heating the outside air. It's sad to see that I'm not perfect after all. Ha! Far from it I would say.

I'm planning on sleeping late in the morning, but I hope I stick to that plan and don't get it in my stubborn head to get up early. I know I will regret it. I always need so much sleep to catch up on during the day. It's no wonder when you turn your circadian rhythms upside down.

I know what sort of bed I long for. One with a big, thick, downy mattress that I would sink into and a huge, fluffy duvet and many thick pillows. Sort of like a fairytale bed. A sensuous bed for hiding away in all by myself. Who needs anybody else there, unless it's George Clooney? And if you can't have him, why bother with anyone else?

Right, it's off to bed I go. I may get waylaid before I get there, but I will give it my best shot. If I would just yawn I would have more faith in it. Oh there, I just did it. Just writing about it made it happen.

Have a good morning when you all wake up and a good night when you all go to bed.


Friday, April 23, 2010

What to do when grouchy!

I woke up from a nap this evening at a little bit before 6 o'clock. I realized immediately that I had to call the pharmacy, because I had medicines there that I needed this weekend, but when I called there, they told me that the delivery boy had already left. They did say that I could come by and pick them up myself, because the pharmacist would be there until 6:15. Half asleep I got on my bike and rode it over there in the busy traffic, past the highway and across the busy road, ignoring the red pedestrian lights, which are not there for me. I got my medicines and rode my bike home, and when I got there, I realized how grouchy I really was and that I felt that my world was falling apart.

I took my 6 o'clock medicines and made myself a cup of coffee and after I had my coffee, I felt a lot better and saw the sun shine again. I was even able to take Tyke out for a walk, which I had not been able to do before. Poor Tyke, he is so dependent on my moods and has to have such patience. I had not been feeling all that great all day and it isn't until now, this evening, that I can say that I really feel that my mood has improved. It's been an exercise in futility all day long and I've slept a lot. As a matter of fact, the domestic help woke me up when I was sound asleep in bed. It was 12:45pm, so she was 45 minutes early, but still... It was a little bit embarrassing.

I took Tyke for a walk when she hoovered the apartment and tried to pay attention to all the flowers and blossoms in the gardens. Some people have beautiful things in their gardens and really make an artwork out of it. There's a hedge that's covered in perfect yellow flowers that I find very pretty. I'm afraid that my lack of botanical knowledge makes it all very frustrating, because all I can say is that something has very pretty flowers or blossoms or that they smell good, like the one bush I keep walking by that has white blossoms that have an overwhelming perfume. A lot of the trees are blossoming too and tiny little flowers lie at the base of them. I don't know the names of the trees.

Around 6 o'clock in the morning the birds start to sing and I can now distinguish between the different songs and can hear the birds answering each other. I don't know, though, what kind of birds they are. I just hear their separate songs. Each bird of the same species does have it's own variation of the same sort of song. The endings seem to differ and some end with a question mark. The problem is that I don't see the birds, but I would not be able to give them a name anyway, unless I had a bird identification book and the Exfactor has it. I'm sure if I lived in nature, it would be easier to discover these things. I would be confronted with them more and out of necessity I would find them out.

Tyke has claimed ownership to one of my old slippers and has a tremendous amount of fun with it. He nearly knocks himself unconscious slapping it around in his mouth. I was thinking of retrieving it, but it's such a comic sight, that I'm letting him keep it. Now we play tug of war over it and he pretends growls and I do the same and say, "It's my shoe!" Any time you say, "It's mine." you egg him on to get even more protective of what he has.

Well, for a change I'm going to bed early tonight. It may mean that I'll be up early too, but I'm bound to go back to bed again and sleep some more. I've still got my book to finish and I do look forward to crawling under the duvet. It will be nice and comfortable there and sleep is a great healer. It cures what ails you and then there is always coffee. I just must make sure I sleep enough in the morning, That's the pitfall.

Have a good evening everyone. Enjoy your hopefully good weather.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

What do you do?

What do you do if you wake up from a nap on the sofa and your first thought is that you don't want to be there any more? And what do you do if nearly an hour later you still feel that way, despite the fact that you've taken your medicines and smoked a cigarette and petted the dog?

Well, you make yourself a large mug of strong coffee and drink it as rapidly as you can and very quickly you will start to feel better, because the caffeine does something to the chemistry in your brain. It is an added value and because it is, you make another mug and drink it with the same eagerness you drank the first and just generally start to feel good. Wasn't that a wonderful invention of the people who first started to brew coffee and discovered the stimulating qualities of it? Little did they know that they would save the life and sanity of a woman in the 21st century on the European continent.

After you drink your coffee, you feel fit enough to deal with your dog, who needs to be walked and you cheerfully do so. All that caffeine in your head is making your synapses fire properly and your thought processes move smoothly and easily as if they were the products of a well oiled machine. There's something to be said for little cups of espresso too. They are downed easily and quickly and give fast results. An espresso machine may be in order. Something worth looking into, since the Senseo coffee maker is starting to leak. A creative solution must be thought of.

I'm wearing a brand new outfit today. I got it ready during the night when I was up and wide awake and not nearly ready to go to sleep. The only same things I'm wearing are my cowboy boots, but you can't get those off my feet nowadays. I'm completely hooked on them and they are comfortable, except for where my little toe hurts from my hiking boots, but I would have that in any kind of shoe now. A new outfit was easily put together, because I do have enough clothes to choose from, although I need to clean out my closet to get a better idea of what is there and what fits and what doesn't. I need to sort through the whole collection. That's a good job for a rainy day, which we are not going to have for a while. It's supposed to be nice weather this weekend with pleasant temperatures.

I also found all the rings I was looking for. Most of them are very nice with pretty stones, but the prettiest ones were too big. I'm wearing a mother of pearl and a red translucent stone of which I don't know the name. They are both set in silver, which is a metal that I can be allergic to, so we will hope the best. The other ones have prettier stones, but like I said, they are too big, although it must be possible to make them smaller. I'll see if I want to go through the trouble of that.

I think I went to sleep a little after 6 o'clock in the morning and woke up at 9:30, just before the phone rang. It was the Exfactor who said he would be over in about an hour, which left me time to get dressed and walk Tyke. I was till very sleepy when the Exfactor got here and couldn't engage in a too animated conversation, because I still needed my coffee. He did do the groceries for me, which was very sweet and now I've got enough milk and cheese to last me for the week. I've also still got porridge and since I haven't eaten it in awhile I think I will have a bowl of it tonight. That will be simply delicious.

An air plane just flew over and I'm disgusted by the sound of it. It has been so nice not to have the sound of it and now it is slowly returning to the every day noises we hear. For a while it was really silent and only if the wind was coming from the right direction, you could hear the traffic on the highway or the trains at the station. I find the noise of air planes very intrusive and am indignant that they can just fly over populated areas, which is hard not to do in the Netherlands or anywhere else I suppose, the airports being built near highly populated areas. I feel sorry for the people who live near Schiphol, which is a very busy airport and they must go mad with all the noise. We have it relatively easy compared to them.

My personal helper called this afternoon and she is coming over on Monday for an introductory meeting and will start to work on Thursday. That is amazingly fast, because I thought I would have to wait a few weeks. She sounded very nice on the phone, although she did address me in dialect, which luckily I understand. Everybody automatically speaks dialect to each other until they realize that you speak Dutch.

My psychiatrist called also and I could tell him that I was having a fairly good day, which he says is something that is very typical of me, that one day I can be completely in the lowest valley and the next day be out of it again and he said that that's why it's so important that I stick to a strict schedule, although he understands my desire to stay up when I feel good. It's hard to let go of that feeling, but it does take all day to recuperate from a long night up. I told him that what he had said about guilt and wanting to be dead had made a lot of sense to me and that I had given it a lot of thought, and he said that was half the work, that an idea made sense to you and that you recognized yourself in it.

Well, I've rambled on long enough now and I don't want to bore you, so I'll bring this to an end. I'm also coming to the end of "The Stone Diaries" and am enjoying it very much. I hope I have another book by Carol Shields on the bookcase, but I'm not sure. If I don't, I'll have to order one. She has such a nice writing voice and it all flows so naturally and you don't get the feeling that she's writing according to some standard formula.

All right, have a nice day and a nice evening Drink some coffee if it's not going well. Don't drown your sorrows in beer.


Late at night...

I've tried several times today to write a post, but each time my mood was not such that I thought I could write a good one and I deleted each attempt, even if I had written a few paragraphs already. I think maybe now I'm up to it and I'm seriously going to try it. I've just slept a little on the sofa and when I woke up, I was very groggy and made myself a cup of coffee despite the late hour. It has woken me up completely and improved my mood quite a bit. If being up late is the price I pay for that, then so be it.

I've had a struggle with depression all day long and it's been a difficult day. At one point I called my psychiatrist and talked to him about it. He says that I'm feeling so guilty for performing what I think is below par, that I think I deserve to die for it as a punishment and that this feeling is something very deep seated in me. We have to analyse this more at our next meeting. Because I'm depressed, I'm unable to perform and he increased my Effexor one more time and reduced my anti psychotics, because they can work as downers and make you feel flat. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to see how I am.

Some people from the Green Cross Foundation came to talk to me about my status quo after having been alerted by my domestic help. They wanted to know how my situation was and to offer me a personal helper who would come to support me several hours a week with such things as personal care and shopping and other things I have a hard time with. I was completely taken aback, because this was unasked for help and at first I didn't get any and now I'm getting a lot. They are going to file a request immediately after questioning me carefully. They were psychiatric nurses, so they knew what they were talking about. They showed a great deal of concern and prepared a work folder for me as we spoke. It was an amazing thing.

When I wasn't feeling down in the dumps or trying to write a post, I slept on the sofa a lot. Sleeping is my best defence. It only takes me a few minutes to fall asleep after I lie down. It is so very comfortable on the sofa in the sunlight, but even though there was sunlight today,. it was a cold day and I had the heater on and my cardigan too. I like to be warm and cosy, although I have now turned down the heater and taken off my cardigan as it was quite warm enough in here. I think I get cold too when I get sleepy, so that really should be a signal to me.

I had cold milk and Camembert for dinner and it was mighty tasty. I should be the spokeswoman for dairy products, I eat enough of them and I could not do without them. I especially like the soft cheeses, because they agree with my gastric band so well as opposed to the harder cheeses, but I like any kind of cheese really and there are many good kinds to be found in the store where I shop. There is a whole cheese counter with a large variety of cheeses. Some of them are quite expensive, that's why I stick to the cheaper store brands of the Brie and Camembert. I'm always trying to keep my grocery bill as low as possible. It's a challenge, although I'm sure that the more expensive kinds will taste a lot better, these cheaper ones taste good enough.

I have a tiny little scab on my face on a place where I have rosacea and every time I accidentally touch it, it starts to bleed something awful and I have to sit with a tissue to my face and wait for it to stop bleeding. It looks like a battle took place here. It's because the weak blood vessels are so close to the surface there. It's very hard not to touch that scab, because it itches. See, it's always something.

I'm actually feeling fairly good right now, which is the first time today, or since yesterday, that I can say that. I'm saying this very conditionally in case something goes wrong with the carefully balanced things. I'm almost afraid to enjoy the moment, but I must. They don't come along often lately.

I've taken off all my rings and for one of them I had to use dish washing liquid. It was a little bit tight. I decided that I did not want to belong to anybody any more and have no memory of anyone on my hands. I have callouses on my fingers from the rings. I don't know if I'm going to wear different rings, I think I will. I have some rings that have little or no meaning. At least it won't look like I'm married or that I'm a widow. I'll look for the other rings in a while in my jewellery drawer. I have some silver ones with semi-precious stones that I may want to wear. They come from a collection of jewellery that belonged to my mother, but I have no recollection of her wearing these, so there are no memories attached to them. They are just rings to me and I've had them for ages. They are actually kind of pretty and I do look forward to getting them out again. Maybe I'll start to care about what I look like again.

I haven't done so in quite awhile and just put on the same old things in the morning with not much thought to how I looked. I really didn't care very much. I thought if I looked halfway decent from a distance, then that would be okay. Up close and personal was a different matter, but then who does get that close? Not many people. I will try to put on something nice tomorrow morning. To celebrate the changing of the rings. Not the changing of the guard, that's a whole other thing all together.

I'm going to look for those rings now and matching bracelets. Maybe I'll pick out my outfit right away too. Then I'll have no excuse to be lazy in the morning and put on the same old things. Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Have a good night if you're going to sleep and a good day if you're waking up.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I want to stop being in this drama now. I realize I created it myself, but I did not do it on purpose; it was not my choice. I want it to end and for things to get back to normal, as far as that is possible in my life. I'm aware of the fact that I will never know a "normal" life by regular standards, but I can act as close to it as possible. Or at least try to. I have to give myself a chance to get back on the rails and that includes not rehashing everything every time I turn around. I am wounded, but I'm still alive and I need the opportunity to carry on with things. So, I'm going to ignore emails now that deal with this past weekend and not answer them anymore, because it's just like raking up the coals and starting the fire all over again and very exhausting.

I also want to point out that I have two diagnoses: manic depression and borderline personality disorder, and sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other one begins. Sometimes I don't know if I'm undergoing the rapid cycling of the manic depression or the quick mood changes that belong to the borderline personality disorder. The latter has a lot of drama in her and an overdose of emotions that comes pouring out of her as if her whole house is being flooded. That person is very unstable and things are not good when she has the upper hand. I think she had the upper hand this weekend. That's also the person who self damages as I did this weekend. I cut my wrists, but the knife was dull and I did limited damage.

I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday over the phone. He had gotten the report of the crisis hot line and knew what had happened, but had me tell it in my own words anyway. He agreed on the increase in medication, but said it would take a few days before I would really notice a difference. That's what I thought too. It wouldn't be so that I would take one pill extra and that would be it. He made an appointment to see me next week Monday and I thought that was an awfully long time from now, but I guess it can't be helped. I'm seeing my SPN the day after, because she will be back from her holiday by then.

This is the only time I'm going to talk about the weekend anymore and the aftermath. I went to my GP in the afternoon to have my wrists looked at and they were disinfected and had some strips put on them and they were re-bandaged. They have to stay that way for a week. They are sore.

It's early in the morning and I'm drinking my second cup of coffee. I've had one glass of juice, because despite the fact that I think it makes me sad, I want to get my vitamins in. It's the fresh multivitamin fruit juice that I like so much. The coffee tastes awfully strong this morning. It packs a real punch. I think that's one of the reasons I'm only going to have two cups.

I'm sitting here yawning and I'm really ready to go back to sleep. I will in awhile, after I've taken my medicines. I'm reading a good book called The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields. I've only just started it and I'm already hooked. She has such an engaging way of writing. That's what I'll read this morning before I fall asleep again.

Right, off I go. Have a good morning when you get up.




Monday, April 19, 2010

A cup of coffee...

Sometimes I think the absolute best thing I can do for myself is make a cup of strong coffee that is just hot enough to drink right away and have that settle my mind, especially when it's too early in the morning to take my medicines and I need a little bit of mood altering. A glass of milk is good for the thirst, but it doesn't do much for your latent braincells and doesn't fire up your neurons. So coffee it is and a strong cup of it too. It keeps me on the straight and narrow on the high road.

I woke up tonight after 4 hours of sleep and felt very clearheaded and sane. I was completely calm and relaxed. I don't know if that was the result of the extra Effexor or of the two sleeping pills, but either way, I felt good and not suicidal. I also didn't feel like crying, which was about the first time in 48 hours. Or 36 hours, but who is counting? I saw points of light where I had seen only darkness before and suddenly what seemed so hopeless, now seemed not so desperately futile anymore and even my shortcomings seemed not so awfully bad. They seemed more like excentric behavior that was unique to me and that at least I could live with, if nobody else could. That's the main thing, isn't it? That you can live with yourself?

Of course, the weekend is over now and I'm sure that plays a large role in how I feel. The dreaded weekend, although I don't think I start of thinking about it that way. I used to think of the weekends as a real time out from the hectic pace of the weekdays. Of course, the weekdays have stopped being hectic. I'll have to make them that way again. I'm not going to solve all these problems all at once. First I have to get over this past trauma.

If you're wondering where this turn around came from, you'll have to go to this post here to read about that. Just for right now, I can stop wondering what will become of me. Until I talk to my psychiatrist anyway and maybe longer, until my SPN gets back on the 27th. It's easier now to pretend that nothing is wrong with me at all and that the whole episode didn't happen, but I know it will repeat itself and I have to know what I must do when it will. I wish I could figure it out on my own, but I don't think I will. It's a little bit too complicated for that.

I've finished my second cup of coffee. I think that's all I'll have for now. I really want to take my medicines, but it's a little bit early for that yet. I think I will anyway, because I need them. Then I will go back to bed for a while, because I feel myself caving in like a suddenly cooled soufflé.

I hope you all have a good day when you wake up.



Sunday, April 18, 2010


I'm so tired of the battle. This afternoon I called the crisis hot line for the third time this weekend and asked them please to help me. I asked them to do something about my medication. After a long consultation with a psychiatrist they called me back and said for me to take an extra Effexor, which I did. The crisis hot line can look into your electronic dossier and see your digested history, so they know up to a point what they're dealing with. They ask you a lot of careful questions nevertheless. I was so worn out, I had no fight left in me. I just wanted help.

This morning I had coffee with my sister in her garden. She set me straight on a few things. They were very painful to hear and all I could think is that they made my situation look even more hopeless and that is was even more reason to end my life. We walked the dogs after that, but when I got home, I called the hot line. Luckily, I got a very nice woman on the line who took me seriously and who really listened and tried to come up with answers.

This afternoon my friend Yvonne came over and made me chicken soup with fresh vegetables. She knows me only as a cheerful person. She greatly diverted my attention, but when she left, it was back to reality and I called the hot line again. When I am on my own I cry a lot. I just sit and cry and use up one paper towel after the other. There's no end to my tears, or there did not seem to be. Maybe they have ended now. Maybe I'm too worn out to cry anymore.

I got the same woman on the hot line as I got this morning. She was an SPN. They are making a report about this weekend to send to my psychiatrist to have tomorrow morning. He is supposed to call me at 10 o'clock.

I regret blogging about all of this. Radio silence would have been better. I was overly emotional and quite beside myself, which pulled all of you along in my wake. I got too many comments and I can't answer them all. It would be reliving the thing all over again. But I can't pretend it didn't happen. The damage has been done. I don't know how to resolve it yet, but somehow I have to deal with it. It's very painful. I'm not out of the woods yet.

I'm going to take an extra sleeping pill and go to bed.


Still here...

Despite my determination to end my life last night, I am still here. I have a full box of sleeping capsules, but there was some question about how many I would be able to take because of my gastric band and I was afraid that I would start throwing them up after a certain amount. So it was a question of logistics. After I would have taken them, there is a sure proof way to make sure you die of them, which I won't explain here. The thing is that the capsules are pretty big and my gastric band opening is very small, so I had a problem there. I couldn't guarantee success, only a botched job and I wasn't about to do that. I've had too many botched attempts already.

I spent the evening with my sister, which helped divert my attention some. I had a highly unsatisfactory phonecall with my daughter and it made me realize that parents shouldn't turn to their children in times of crisis. It's not the child's job to help the parent out of the crisis. Especially not this parent and especially not that child. I'm down enough on myself now that I have no good words for myself, so I'll try not to get into that. My crisis is not over, I feel as bad now as I did yesterday and there is no end in sight. I called the crisis hotline and had a brief conversation with someone there, but it didn't help much. It didn't bring me relief.

I am unable to resolve this and that is why I want a way out. I pray for a pill that will put me to sleep forever. I am so tired of being alive. I just don't know how to do it anymore.

Well. I will take my medicines now and see if they bring me any relief.

I've given up hope for something wonderful to happen. I don't expect it anymore now. There's something seriously wrong with me, because all I see is darkness.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


It's much harder to live through Saturday than it is to live through Friday or Thursday or any other weekday, and it will be tough to live through Sunday too. I feel like the emptiness of the day is suffocating me and squeezing me shut and that the silence will drive me mad. It will only be worse tomorrow, when there will be even less life in the streets.

That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? I guess I'm trying to get my point across without seeming too pitiful, but at the risk of sounding that way anyway. I feel an enormous loneliness and I can hardly bear the company of myself. In a little while I'll take Tyke out for another walk and hope that brings some relief to my restlessness and feelings of doom.

Yes, that's quite a different tune than I sang this morning, isn't it? I was still full of optimism then that I've seemed to have lost along the way. If this is going to be the story of my life, I don't want to live it anymore. All those lonely weekends. I'd rather take a pill to end it all. What's the worth of my weekdays if it ends up in all those lonely weekends? What's the sense of it? I don't see the point.

I don't think I was ever supposed to be a lonely person. I always imagined myself surrounded by my family. It is hard to be a woman on your own. It is a very lonely existence. It is not easy for me to make friends here. That seems to be an enormous stumbling block. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel that I go through the motions, but that I will never reach my goal. I feel invisible and unimportant and as if I don't matter one tiny little bit. My whole existence is totally insignificant to anybody.

Well, that's a huge pity party I'm having, but unfortunately it's what I really believe. I would like to once and for always make the decision and step out of life. Get it over and done with. I don't believe that my life is so sacred that I need to hang on to it at all costs. I can see the arguments to end it much clearer than the arguments to keep it. I'm regularly running out of courage to keep going and it wears me out. I don't want to grow old and lonely and I'm doing it now.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to reach the solution. Yes, I do, but I want to do it properly, without drama. I need help.

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk now and look at the flowers. That ought to cheer me up.


Saturday morning.

I can't believe it is Saturday morning and that it is still early enough for me to sit here for a while and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and write this post. I slept well, despite the fact that I forgot to take my sleeping pill and tranquilizers before I went to bed last night. I did have the oddest dream, but in a way it was very revealing and said a lot about how I think about myself, which for the most part is not bad.

I dreamed about small tunnels and small openings and rebirth and genetic codes written in Braille in an old language that was tattooed on my belly. And about me being sold off as a cheap inspiration for an impressionist artist, but with me standing up for myself and arguing my points of view and my rights as a woman of dignity and elegance against the overwhelming atmosphere of male chauvinism. All the men I knew were there, smoking cigars and having their pint and I was defending myself successfully, but with anger and indignity.

The human mind is a wonderful thing to behold. It is amazing what it can make up in symbolism, when simple images would be enough and clearer.

That's a revelation, isn't it? I understand a lot about this dream, but I'm keeping those conclusions to myself for now. I will integrate them into how I think about myself and make them part of me. You can make each important day of your life a lesson for yourself or completely waste it and not learn a thing. I stood the chance of having done that yesterday, but I turned it around and made the day work for me. Now it's behind me and I came out the better for it and some delusions are shattered, hopefully to never be put back in place again. You must always do things with authority, as if you have the rule of law on your side, and behave as if your choice is the only logical one. You must believe in yourself, even if it takes effort.

Well, I've had two cups of coffee and it's time for a glass of milk now. Ice cold milk to quench my everlasting thirst. I've turned the refrigerator up higher because I thought things weren't cold enough. Hopefully the milk will be extra cold now. is! Cold milk is so lovely when you're thirsty. With my compliments to the cow, of course.

Tyke is sound asleep now on the coffee table, but I have to get dressed to take him for a walk. We both need some fresh air. I don't even know what the weather is like yet for lack of a weather forecaster on my browser. I can look out the window and see that the sun is shining and I assume it's nice outside.

Have a good day and enjoy your hopefully good weather too.



Friday, April 16, 2010

Another nice day...

First the Exfactor was here this morning and when he went to make his cup of coffee, he saw that I was completely out of milk, in other words, that groceries needed to get done, which he offered to do for me as I had hoped. I quickly made a shopping list and off he went on my bicycle with the shopping bag and my bank card. He was back in the shortest amount of time, I still don't know how he does that, and I helped him put away the groceries with Tyke's help. Tyke's help consists of trying to pull everything out of our hands before we can put it away. Then the Exfactor offered to take Tyke for a walk, which I think he secretly enjoys doing, and of course, I had no objections. Off they went together, Tyke leading the Exfactor down the sidewalk with a steady pull on the leash. Tyke can make himself very heavy for 11 kg.

After the Exfactor left, I washed and dried and put away the dishes, but completely forgot to fold and put away the dry laundry. Unless I make a list of things to do, I'm afraid this is my fate and things fall by the wayside. In other words, I am very absentminded and forget things easily and just assume I have been good and gotten everything done. So, unless I forget, I'm going to have to make a short list in the morning with things to do written on it, such as brush your teeth and comb your hair. No, really. I do walk past things that need to get done absentmindedly, as they don't penetrate my awareness until I practically hit my head on them. Or my big toe.

I was reading blogs and commenting on them when the domestic help came ands she was a very nice and polite girl who was more than eager to do any job I wanted her to. Intelligent too and I got the idea that she was a university student who did this job part time. She washed all the windows inside and out and, although she didn't do them perfectly, they are in much better shape than they used to be. She also cleaned the refrigerator and the utensil drawer, which was something that had to happen badly and she had to use a scrub sponge. It hadn't been cleaned in some time and my refrigerator is now spotless.

I feel incredibly spoiled that these kinds of jobs are finally getting done and I am so grateful that they are, because they are the kinds of things that I was unable to do myself and barely was aware of needed to happen. It has only recently been pointed out to me that they have to. The insides of the kitchen cabinets need to happen next and the glass windows above the interior doors and I'm sure there are all sorts of other jobs that need to get done.

After she left, I wanted to keep on commenting on blogs, but was struck by an enormous tiredness and laid down on the sofa for a while, which turned into a 2,5 hour nap. I don't know where all this need for sleep comes from, since I slept so well in the morning, but apparently I needed it. I don't know what role my medicines play in my sleepiness, but I do think they add to it. I always, or usually, feel very good when I wake up from a nap. It's like I'm renewed again. My brain isn't spilling over with all sorts of nonsense and I can think clearly. I must make sure that I'm really awake in the morning before I start doing things. Sometimes I think I get up prematurely when I should sleep more and I try to function before my brain is really ready for it. It makes for a sad performance. It might be better if I don't get up right away, but stay in bed longer, despite my eagerness to be awake.

I finished the book I was reading, "The Pilot's Wife," and liked it well enough. The ending was especially good. I have to pick out another book to read now and I have to have a good look in my bookcase and see what it's going to be. I have so many unread books and unknown authors that the choice is difficult. I'm always afraid that I'll get stuck with a book that I don't like at all, because that's such a disappointment and you hate to put it back on the shelf, because you know you'll never read it. There should be a home for orphaned books, those are the books that only a few people like.

Tyke is lying beneath my computer table and farting. It smells delicious. He'll probably have to go out. I have to go visit Facebook and see my daughter's tribute to her brother. I've been notified of it by my sister.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you enjoy the silence of no planes as I do.



And now for something completely different.

I woke up at 4 o'clock and thought I was done sleeping, so I walked into the living room and turned on the computer. However, I quickly, within seconds, realized I was still half asleep, so I walked over to the sofa and continued sleeping there for another 2 hours. Then, when I woke up, I made myself a cup of coffee and, not realizing I was grumpy, started answering my emails. Never answer your emails when you are grumpy, especially not before you have had your medicines. Thunder clouds and lightning bolts smash through your head and make you totally unreasonable and make everything seem much worse than it does by the proper light of day. The early dawn does not hold gold in its mouth, as the saying goes.

I'm not going to be sad and pathetic today. I've decided that's no attitude for me. I'll spit in any one's eye who tells me I ought to be. I refuse to tear myself to pieces. It would only be self induced pain and I'm not going along with that. Nobody is going to rescue me, so I'm going to keep myself from drowning. I do have to live my life without huge interruptions.

I decided to google images of cockapoos yesterday and I found many of them and some of them were of black haired ones like Tyke and sure enough, they looked just like him. I could have posted one of those images on my blog and told you it was Tyke and you would have believed me. So now I'm fairly sure that he is a cockapoo. There were some really adorable dogs there and apparently they are very popular as a designer dog and developing into a new breed. It was mentioned that they have good characters and I have to agree with that. Tyke's a little sweetheart, although he does get naughty, but I think it's unintentional. It's not out of spite as a rule.

The domestic help is coming this afternoon, so I have to do a few chores, but not too many. I hope this one is going to wash the windows. I'll make her do it, I'll call on her honor as a cleaning person. I have to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen counter and sink. I also have to fold and put away the dry laundry. I'm thrilled to pieces about this. The Exfactor is also coming over. So I need to get the show on the road now and get dressed and walk Tyke.

I hope you all have a nice day and make the best of it.



Thursday, April 15, 2010

Biting the dust...

For some reason my body is telling me to sleep and to sleep as much as it can. I have done nothing but, except for the period early this morning when I was up having my coffee and answering my emails. I've slept in my bed and I've slept on the sofa and I'm still in my bathrobe now, ready to go lie down again at the first opportunity. I know why this is so. This is in preparation for tomorrow when it will be my son's birthday. It always has a major impact on me and subconsciously a lot more happens than even I am aware of, but the emotion that I feel most right now is one of anger and I don't know what to do with it, because I don't know who I'm angry with. I have no enemy, except for the cancer that killed him.

My son would have been 35 years old tomorrow. That boggles my mind. He didn't have any children. Maybe that was for the best. Imagine fatherless children. He loved children, though, and always wanted to have a son. He was 25 years old when he got sick and struggled for 4 years. He was tough. Parents aren't supposed to survive their children. This I'm sure of, although I'm equally sure that it happens all over the world constantly.

I can't get excited about today. It is a wasted day as far as I'm concerned. Tomorrow will be equally so. What do you do when you are in mourning? You do nothing but feel pain and grief. It is a complete waste of time. It would be so much better to be over it and to think back on that person with happy and contented memories. I can't do it. At least not on these kinds of days.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Winding down...

I just got home from spending a nice mellow evening at my sister's and you'd think I had a whole bottle of wine instead of just the one large glass, because I feel totally relaxed and in the mood for one more. Unfortunately that is not possible because I have no wine in the house and if I did I would probably drink the whole bottle and become drunk and wake up with a hangover. So all is for the best and I will just enjoy the slight mellowness that I feel now. Hey, I'm not used to much and I have to enjoy each moment as it comes to me.

My sister had baked a chocolate cake with nuts and apricot jam as a filling and chocolate icing on top and it was very good. I did manage to put away a piece of that, although my stomach protested loudly after that. I burped quite a bit, which is not polite in mixed company as we were. I had 2 espressos as she was out of milk, but we are going grocery shopping tomorrow, which is good because I'm also almost out of milk. My niece and nephew were there and their grandparents and I had brought Tyke who is desperately trying to become friends with my sister's dog, but he's not much interested and lets Tyke know in no uncertain terms.

We watched the British Kurt Wallander with Kenneth Branagh and it was the first time I really watched it, although it is on every week. I had not realized who portrayed him and how sexy he really is and I'm determined now to watch that series more often. I like the fact that it is filmed in Sweden and that it is as authentic as possible. I've read as many of those books as I could and should recognize a lot of the stories, although the one we saw tonight was unfamiliar to me. I like men like Kenneth Branagh, they bring out the beast in me, Ha ha! I don't really know if I still have a beast in me. There is some doubt about that.

My nephew had pepperoni pizza flavored chips. He offered me some and they were really good. What will they think of next? Any flavor is available. I could have eaten a whole bowl by myself, but decided to be polite about it and not ask for one. I do have to think about my diet after all. Although when something tastes really good, I will eat it. I won't turn down a piece of very good cheese for example. Or macaroni or potato salad. That reminds me that I haven't eaten lasagna in a long time and I used to love it so. There's no sense in making a big baking dish full for myself, so I will not get to eat it any time soon, but I sure would love to. I am going to have to buy those small portions of different flavors rice. I will get some of those tomorrow. I must not forget that.

As an encore I'm having some green tea with lemon. That ought to help me go to sleep. I really ought to have some nighttime tea, although I have no idea what's in it and why it is really called that. I wonder if there are really ingredients in it that make you sleepy. I still think the best thing is a mug of warm to hot milk and I may have that next, although I miss the little skin that used to form on top of it when it cooled off. That was the cream that used to be in the milk and that is gone now. Speaking of cream, the thing I like to eat best is fresh crusty white bread with real butter. I could make a whole meal out of that. The last time I really ate well it was that with a salmon steak.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed, unfortunately. Sensible people must do sensible things. Nowadays I am sensible. First I will have my mug of warm milk and make some cigarettes for in the morning. I will try to sleep as long as I possibly can and try not to get up too early. Maybe I can ignore the call of the computer. Yeah, right!

Sleep tight.


Really and truly...

I am now really and truly awake and better able to write a post than I was early this morning, although I don't do badly then considering the early hour. It wasn't anything important that I wrote, but then a lot of times I just babble anyway and nothing much is lost by not reading it, except that I stated that Tyke might be a cockapoo. The more I consider that option, the more I come to believe in it and I wish they had just written that in his passport instead. Maybe they did a lot of wishful thinking, ignoring all the short, curly hair. I've had him for 2 months now and there is no way that he is a long haired American cocker spaniel.

My niece celebrates her birthday today, she is now 17 years old. I still have to go and buy her present, but I know what I want to get her. My grandson's birthday is on the 17th and on the 16th is my son's birthday, which is always a tough day that I'm mentally preparing myself for now. I don't let the day sneak up on me, because experience has shown that this is a bad idea. When I say that I'm mentally preparing myself for it, I have no idea what exactly I mean by that, other than that I am aware ahead of time that the day is coming up and that I'm ready for emotional turmoil.

I've been out with Tyke twice now and we met a 7 month old Labrador who very much wanted to play with him, much to Tyke's delight, and the owner was an American, so I got to speak some English too with my Dutch accent which even I can hear now. I hear myself talk funny and try not to, but it can't be helped. If I were in the States for a few weeks, though, I would be speaking English like a regular American in no time. Right, I can make that claim, because it won't be tested any time soon. I won't have to be sardined into an airplane for a while, much to my relief.

Besides taking a nap this morning, I took one in the afternoon too, on the sofa in the sunlight. It was most pleasant and I slept for 2 hours. Tyke manages to stay out of trouble during that whole time. I think he is past his demolition days and can now be trusted with books on the bookcase. I love taking naps, but I really need them too, because I stop functioning well if I don't take them. I think that is because of my medicines and I think it is a side effect, but one I can easily live with. As long as I don't have to perform at a job all day, there is no problem. I would get into trouble if I had a job to go to and steady hours to work. I don't know how well I would handle that and what it would do to my general moods. Being "on" all the time would be hard without regular breaks. I think it would exhaust me to have to perform constantly and be up to par all the time.

I have to wash Tyke with a warm soapy wash cloth. He really need a trim and a bath, but I have to co-ordinate the appointment for that with my sister, who often works during the week. I figure I can make him look and smell good with a quick wash and then brush him. So, I'm off to do that now.

Have a nice evening and I hope you've all had a nice day, or are still having it.



Up again...

It's very early in the morning and I have been up for a while answering the emails in my in box. This is always an enjoyable occupation that I take my time for with a cup of coffee. I went to bed so early last night, that I woke early again too and that was not surprising, of course. Doubtlessly I will go back to bed later this morning and sleep a few more hours after I have taken my medicines. As a matter of fact, I'm already yawning, so I probably won't last much longer. I did manage to read my book for awhile before I went to sleep last night and I even remembered to put it way and take my reading glasses off and turn off the light. If I read at this rate, I should be able to finish that book in a week's time. Yes, that's how slowly I'm reading. It's not like back when I finished a book in a day.

I let myself temporarily get sidetracked by Facebook to see if there were any interesting bits of news by people I am friends with, but there was nothing earth shattering. Just the usual amusing stuff. Sometimes I look for interesting news stories to post, but I couldn't find anything today that was very unusual. Facebook helps me keep track of my daughter on a daily basis, so it is very handy for that. I keep my amount of friend s to a minimum and am constantly weeding out the group to get rid of not really friends and I'm very picky about who I become friends with. I was less discriminate when I first started and added a lot of artists to my friends, but it was not real. I really didn't know those people, they just seemed interesting.

In the meantime, the hours are passing by and it is now properly morning. If you fiddle around long enough you do make the time go by quickly. I've only had to cups of coffee and one mug of milk. I've definitely had enough coffee now, two cups is my limit. I need to eat some breakfast and I think I will have some Camembert. Without a doubt I'll have to share some with Tyke. He's a regular connoisseur, after all.

Right, I'm going back to bed and hope to get nice and warm very quickly. I have cold hands and feet now. I hope you all have a nice day, or a nice night if that is the case. Think of me soundly sleeping in my warm bed and I will do like wise.



Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Feeling good!

I feel like I've stopped taking a "make me sick pill." This is the second day that I'm doing without the welbutrin and I'm on the dose of effexor that's supposed to sustain me, and people, I feel so much better. I'm actually in a good mood all day long and I don't mean hyped up, but nice and pleasant and relaxed. It's a great relief and more than I could have hoped for, because I expected some withdrawal problems. It seems that I wasn't on the welbutrin long enough to have any of those, as it is with people who use it to stop smoking. I can't believe they prescribe this medicine for people to stop smoking, when you realize the sort of troubles you can get into. I wonder how many "accidents" happen because of it? Well, never mind, I'm off the stuff now and not too soon. It was like being on a bad trip.

I took a nap from 4 to 6 pm and still feel the after effects of it. It's like I never woke up properly and I could go back to sleep in an instant. I'm already looking forward to bedtime, but it's a little bit too early for that now. Instead I took Tyke for a walk in effort to blow the cobwebs out of my head and we ran into a man with a very little dog and a very big dog. Of course, Tyke was very interested, but the man acted like he was taking the crown jewels out for a walk and didn't give them so much as a chance to sniff each other. This opposed to this afternoon when we met a woman with two dogs, one of which was a keeshond and he and Tyke hit it off great and embraced each other numerous times. They were the same age and it was very funny. The woman is one of several people now who has asked me if Tyke is part poodle, which leads me to believe that he is a cockapoo and not a long haired American cocker spaniel. He does have some aspects of a cocker spaniel, but he doesn´t have that long nose or extra long ears.

I think I´m going to bed after all. I will read my book for awhile. I´m not making much headway in it and I would like to finish it one of these weeks. It will be so nice to go lie down in bed and be comfortable under the clean duvet.

Have a good evening you all. Or a good day, which ever applies.



The first cup of coffee...

I'm still working on my first mug of coffee, but it is a big one this time. My sister brought it with her all the way from Japan and I guess they like big mugs there also, at least for the tourist trade. I'm going to have a mug of cold milk after this, because I've had enough coffee to fill me for awhile. There is such a thing as overdoing it and as I said before, my taste for coffee is waning and i don't drink nearly as much as I used to.

The other day I had a cup of English tea without sugar and it didn't make me cough, so it is the sugar in the tea that makes me do that, So no more tea with sugar for me. I was offered Earl Grey, but I never developed a taste for that. I like Irish breakfast the most, although I know there is another more official name for that melange. Unfortunately, the labels on my two jars of tea have faded and now I don't know which is which anymore. One is Irish breakfast, but which one? And what is in the other one? Maybe the taste will tell me.

I've been up for awhile after a very nice sleep on the bed together with Tyke who has decided to stop demolishing things. Maybe he is outgrowing this phase. I fell asleep almost instantly when I laid down and closed my eyes. I always think that I will give myself half an hour to fall asleep, otherwise I will get up, but I'm always asleep way before that. It's nice to give yourself a deadline like that, though. Then you don't have to lie awake worrying about whether or not you will get up. It takes the pressure off. If I were to get up, I would start the going to bed ritual all over again, even if it would take me a few hours, but I've not had to do it yet. I suppose in a way I do it when I get up early in the morning and sit behind the computer with my coffee and get tired again after awhile and go back to bed for some more sleep, but nothing is set in concrete and I can do as I please.

For some mysterious reason, my rubber plant has died. It started to droop and the leaves died and shriveled one by one and now it's just a poor old thing sitting there and I need to throw it out. It lasted about 4 years, which is not bad, but it was thriving and then suddenly gave up the ghost. I have to buy 3 new plants to replace the ones that are either dead or doing poorly. This is not the year of my green thumb. It's a trade off, something else good will happen instead. That's my philosophy anyway. I'm going to try and save one plant by putting it in a different spot. It may make a comeback. It's not beyond hope yet.

Well, that's all the gossip I had for this morning. I just had to turn up the heater because I'm cold. I need to live in a warm country and I was a fool to leave California.

Have a nice day, all of you.



Monday, April 12, 2010

All sorted out...

My stove (cooker) is amazingly clean. It has seen a lot of elbow grease today and a special soapy scrub sponge. Since I never cook, it was still caked on dirt around the burners from when the Exfactor lived here and used to cook and the thing hasn't been so clean since we bought it. It plain sparkles. Little does the domestic help know that this is years of neglect that she is cleaning up. The Exfactor always cleaned with a lick and a promise and I didn't do much better, because I was depressed half of the time.

Slowly the apartment is getting the cleaning it deserves and it's going to make me less embarrassed about having people over if they aren't wearing roller skates and passing through very quickly. Well, maybe it wasn't as bad as all that, but it wasn't great either from a decent housewife point of view. You'd think I had never cleaned house in my whole life and that I never used to run a household in a large house with a husband and two kids and assorted animals and all the rooms that held all that life and its accompaniments. Pulling out the vacuum cleaner used to be one of the first things I did in the morning. You wouldn't believe that now, would you? Maybe I will even get motivated to paint the baseboards now that everything is starting to look so nice.

I took a little nap sitting up on the sofa with my head resting on my hand which was resting on the arm rest. I was trying to watch the six o'clock news but missed it completely, so you see, I still need my little naps. I took one this morning too after I had been up for a while early in the morning. My psychiatrist asked me if I slept well and I could positively answer that. I do love to sleep lately and look forward to going to bed, especially since my duvet has been washed and my bed has clean linens on it. I am constantly washing sheets and pillow cases and changing my bed, because I do look forward especially to going to sleep in a clean bed and I do always have to think of dust mites, microscopic as they are. They bother me, the knowledge of them. I think I wiped out a large colony by washing the duvet and will do it more often now that I know it fits in the washing machine. Buying a second duvet will also be a good idea to use as a back up.

I was so very much not looking forward to the domestic help coming here this afternoon and in reality it wasn't bad at all. It has been the same girl for the third time in a row now and I'm getting used to her. She 's not bad to have around. She says thee to me and I say you to her. That shows our mutual positions to each other and I am comfortable with that. We don't need to get any closer than that. On Fridays someone else will be coming and hopefully that will become a regular person also. They should have scheduled it that way, anyway. It was hard when it kept on being someone else on Mondays, but now it is much better.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed. The Exfactor is coming tomorrow and I do want to be up when he gets here and not look like a bewildered woman in my bathrobe with my hair sticking up all over the place. I look that way with my clothes on too, but at least I'm dressed then.

Have a good night and sleep tight.