Trademark...

Since it is really my trademark to write about coffee in all of my posts, I'll mention it first and get that out of the way. It always makes for a good beginning and sets the tone for the rest of the post. It gets me in the right mood, sort to say. 

So let me tell you that I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and that I'm doing that instead of taking a nap which I was in danger of needing after the domestic help left. I get so bored of sitting around doing nothing but petting the dog when she is here that it makes me feel sleepy and long for my bed. 

I never feel that I can do anything important while the domestic help is here because I would only get in the way of her so I make myself as unobtrusive as possible. I sit in one spot as much as possible until I have to move out of the way when she vacuums and mops the floors.

I don't feel that I can quite relax because I do feel that I have to keep an eye on her as she moves through the apartment and cleans it. Now that she's five months pregnant she's getting a little too relaxed and isn't cleaning as well as she did before. She's done in one hour and she should work for two. She's cleaning the French way. 

She wants to keep working until she's eight months pregnant but I wonder how she'll be able to. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her job and benefits and I'm not going to complain about her, but I do want to know what has been cleaned and what hasn't. I have to let the other domestic help know. It is a bit of a problem. 

I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday to discuss the fact that I'm unhappy with her. I let my psychiatrist know that in an email today. I feel that I have to speak up for myself, but that it's not a popular thing to do. I have to tell myself that it's normal to make demands and claim what you are rightfully entitled to, but I feel some trepidation. 

I do know what I want. I am in charge of my life and the things and events in it and I would like to be in some sort of control of them. I don't like for other people to come around and mess them up. I would like for things to run as smoothly as I can make them. I do wish for some amount of peace and quiet as I strive hard enough for that. 

Ciao,
Irene

Challenge...

I've been challenged not to write about coffee, but you may as well ask me not to write a post at all because it is impossible for me not to mention coffee. It is such an integral part of my daily life that it would be hard not to talk about it. It makes me function when I'm about ready to take a nap and don't want to. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee now and there's more in the pot to have in a while. I'm looking forward to it already and yes, I'm starting to function much better. 

I haven't done a bleeding thing all day but walk the dog and sit around and watch interesting programs on television. I do make sure I see my fair share of those on Sundays. That's after I've quietly contemplated my navel in the silence of the early morning hours when I've finally gotten up. Because it's Sunday, I don't feel called upon to do a heck of a lot and feel that being lazy is perfectly legitimate. 

All I had to do was get dressed at one point and pretend to be wide awake, but I don't feel that I have to be as alert as I have to be the rest of the week. The dog seems to have the same notion and takes many naps in whatever sunshine is available to him. He must know that it's my day off and doesn't make too many demands. We do honor the day of the Lord and pay proper attention when the church bells ring, but that's as far as our devotion goes. 

Tonight the Netherlands is playing its football match against Portugal. We are still in the running if we beat them with two points and if Germany beats Denmark. Those are a lot of ifs that I don't have faith in. I don't even know if I will stay up to watch the match. I may get so disgusted that I'll turn off the televsion and go to bed. I even thought about lighting a candle at the Our Dear Lady Chapel, but I'm sure a lot of like minded, middle aged, Portugese women will do the same thing in their chapels. And they are catholic and I am not.

The sun does come out every once in a while even though it is overcast a lot. At least it's not raining today. It's not very warm outside and I do have to wear a jacket when I walk the dog. I'm wearing warmer clothes too, but that's purely because I'm being less stubborn and am indulging myself. I decided I wanted to be extra comfortable and ignore the fact that it's nearly summer. I don't know who to blame this weather on. Maybe some day it will be sunshiny and warm again. 

I just remembered that I have to do a load of laundry. In all my laziness I had forgotten that. 

Ciao,
Irene

More hot coffee...

I saw myself forced to make another pot of coffee because I started to yawn and it is barely the beginning of the afternoon. I don't think I'm supposed to be getting sleepy yet. It would be great to go lie down in my bed and take a nap, but it was not part of the plan for today. I do want to stay up and spend the afternoon in a more upright position. 

I think the caffeine will straighten me out and help me carry out my plan and hopefully I will be wide awake again soon. I do rely on coffee to help me through the rough spots. I've made it a little stronger so it will carry a bit of a punch. I do want it to zap me back into consciousness. The side effect will be that it will put me in a good mood. 

I can certainly stand one of those, although I'm not grumpy or anything. I just like the temporary high that caffeine gives me. I woke up in a perfectly good mood this morning and it didn't take much coffee to get me started. My thoughts weren't too confused and I wasn't overwhelmed by too much input right from the beginning. I eased gently into the day. 

It's a bit cold in the apartment, but I do have the windows open and the sun is not shining. It rained all night and sometimes it came down in buckets. It was a regular deluge. I thought I would have to start building the ark and start putting the animals in it. 

For about a week now I suspected there was a mouse in the kitchen closet. The cat and the dog showed much interest in it, but I never could catch a glimpse of it. Last night, when it was very quiet, I heard something move around in there, so I opened the door and let he cat in. Some time later she came out with a dead mouse which I disposed of before the dog could get it. 

The cat had probably brought the mouse into the apartment herself and it had escaped from her. I'm glad she was able to finish the job. It had probably been living on dog food and getting to the water bowl through the crack underneath the door. I hope it had a happy last week in the closet.

I'm fully caffeinated now and I can sit up straight and function normally. I think I'm good for the rest of the afternoon. I think I can even walk the dog again which is something he will welcome very much. He's found a very good Dunlop tennis ball on one of our walks and it has become his favorite. I'm sure he's hoping to find another one. 

Ciao,
Irene

Another thrilling Sunday...

I just came home from seeing my sister where I sat in the garden and got a bit of a tan on my exposed body parts and sun burned knees that were previously white. It is a funny sight to see and makes me look very colorful. I'm white and tan and red.

I'm going to have to rub lotion all over myself so I won't dry out because my skin is not as young and supple as it used to be. I'll have to take care of my face especially if I want to grow old gracefully. There are already fine lines there and I don't want them to turn into grooves because I can't afford a facelift to smooth them out.

I've had to make myself some coffee, feeling on the verge of having to take a nap, and now I'm drinking a cup and am slowly recuperating. The caffeine is doing me good like I knew it would. I won't have to take a nap now and will be able to go to bed at a sensible time tonight.  It will be after I watch the latest thriller because it is KRO Detective Month and there is a thriller on every night. It is so exciting and they have been British and Swedish so far which is very good. I really do get my thrill and can't get enough of them. More is the motto.

I watched the very disappointing football match between The Netherlands and Denmark and in the end I was wishing for Denmark to make another goal, that's how disgusted I was with the Dutch team. The Dutch were so arrogant beforehand and said we would easily beat the Danes. Sure...

I also watched the match between Germany and Portugal and that was only a little more exciting. It's not football of the first rank so far. I will watch the matches that will be played tonight if that doesn't interfere with watching my thriller. My thriller almost definitely comes frst. It depends on how exciting the other teams and matches are.

Now I've got to eat, my stomach is growling.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Irene

Stormy weather...

I made myself a weak pot of coffee because I was too lazy to open a new package of ground filter coffee. I made do with what was left over in the glass jars and it really wasn't enough. I could tell by the way the coffee smelled when it was done that it was weak, but I prepared for the worst and drank it anyway. Much to my relief, it wasn't as bad as I had feared and it is drinkable. It just doesn't carry the usual punch. An American would find this quite acceptable coffee.

Having completely run out of clean forks and plates and bowls, I finally got around to doing the dishes which I had been putting of. I knew I would get around to them today and had given myself that deadline. I let them soak in very hot soapy water first so I could mentally prepare myself to get ready to do them. I usually do need to warm up to the idea a bit. I can't suddenly do them out of the blue. I have to mentally picture myself doing them and talk myself into it. Then the job gets done easily because I'm less intimidated.

I also changed the bed and found a felt tipped pen under the fleece blanket that the dog had chewed to pieces. Needless to say, the ink had leaked all over the place and I hope it washes out in the laundry. The dog does secretly steal things during the night and isn't over the worst of his puppy behavior yet. When it comes to chewing on foreign objects, he's up there with the rest of them, even if he does have a rawhide bone. He'll simply ignore that if he can find something more interesting and forbidden. He knows that felt tipped pens are off limits. He does look guilty when I find him out. 

I enjoy changing the bed because it's so nice to sleep between clean sheets and it makes me look forward to going to bed at night. I do have my favorite duvet cover and it's being washed now. I think I need to go and buy some new ones and will have to go into town one of these days. Because I don't want to go alone, I will have to talk someone into going with me.  It's more fun to go shopping in someone else's company and to also go sit on a terrace and have a cup of coffee. There's nothing as awful as walking around downtown by yourself with your soul under your arm.

I've done two loads of laundry and feel very virtuous. The bathroom smells very good because of the washing powder and it's a pleasure to walk in there with the laundry drying on the clothing rack. I can't hang it outside because of the showers we are having today. It would smell even better if I had been able to do that. There's a stiff wind blowing and the laundry would have been dry quickly, but every once in a while it rains. It's not cold out and in the living room it is warm. I'm sitting here in a summer top and am not in the least chilled. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

I'll not give it a thought...

The other day, when the Exfactor did the groceries for me, I forgot to have him buy the ground coffee and now I am almost out of it. Luckily, I still had some of the good brand of instant coffee left and I have been drinking that. It hasn't been as awful as you think. I make sure I get the water really hot before I spoon more than enough instant coffee in it and then add a generous amount of milk. 

This way I have an almost perfect cup of coffee and it doesn't taste bad at all. I don't make funny faces when I take the first sip and it doesn't make me shudder when I swallow it. I can actually say that I look forward to drinking it and that I sometimes even have a second cup, although the first cup usually suffices. I certainly make it strong enough and it carries a punch. 

I just had a cup and now I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. I had to have some coffee because I was somewhat discombobulated by the unofficial nap that I took on top of the duvet but under the red fleece blanket in the company of the dog. Since it is a cold day, I had also turned on the heater so the apartment was nice and warm and consequently my nap lasted longer than I had intended. 

For a change, I'm very comfortable and not at all chilled. Even my hands are warm which doesn't happen very often. I think it must be because of my low blood pressure that they are always so cold, just like the tip of my nose. It usually feels like an ice cube but that is not a problem right now. 

I'm waiting for a package to arrive. In it will be my new and, hopefully, comfortable walking shoes. I hope they are everything I expect them to be because my feet really need them. I haven't had a pair of sensible shoes since I left the States and have always walked on shoes or boots that were meant to be pretty but not necessarily good to walk in. 

Now that I'm getting older, I'm becoming less vain and more concerned about my feet. And I do want to walk longer distances with the dog without getting sore feet and a backache. That much became clear to me when I had to take him to the trim salon. I can walk that distance but I do need good footwear. 

I'm completely trying to ignore my depression. I'm pretending that I don't have it and that everything is great. I think that's the best way to deal with it. That's one subject matter less to talk about. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,
Irene

Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

The better stuff...

At least I can tell you one thing for certain, I'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having. I got the better brand today which I won't mention by name but it is very well known. It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I'm drinking it with more pleasure. I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip. I'm even looking forward to the second cup.

I've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again. I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm. The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep. For a while (about an hour) I was bleeding all over the place. I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again. Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb? 

It is raining outside and has been for a while. I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn't stopped for the past hour and a half. The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message. He's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air, sound asleep. He's so exposed, it does make you want to tickle him. I'll be kind and not do that. I've got to think of my thumb too. 

I'm still yawning from the nap I took. I thought, while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap. The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy. I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it. It is very much my room. I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams. I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get. Because I smoke again, I won't have the money to get anything. That's the price I pay. 

Since it's Saturday evening, there will no doubt be many boring television shows on. I will have to find another way to amuse myself. I don't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it for the moment. So that's one activity behind the computer that has ceased.

Today I started reducing my anti-psychotics some more. This is in order to elevate my mood just a little bit. I'm not depressed but I think I can be a little bit more cheerful and I think the anti-psychotics are dampening my mood just a little bit too much. I'm just reducing them by 1 mg at first and if all goes well, I'll reduce them by another 1 mg. I'll go slowly on this and not hasten anything. The first week is the most important and will tell me a lot. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is kind to you. 

Ciao,

Irene

Surprisingly...

to my surprise it is evening again already, although the sun is still shining brightly in the sky. Now why do you think that is? Isn't that a nice effect from daylight savings time? I think that was the whole purpose, wasn't it? Or is this just the way it is supposed to be always? I am very confused. I better not think about that too much. I may damage my brain. I haven't had enough coffee for that. 

I took a nap, but I also think that my sleepiness is a side effect from the tranquilizers and I think I'm going to try and skip the one I take in the afternoon and see if maybe I don't get as sleepy then. It isn't all that great to get so calm that it makes you want to go take a nap. It does make me feel oh so tired. I feel like lying down all over the place and I have no energy to do anything. I think that's not quite the purpose behind them. 

It was another lovely day with lots of sunshine and pleasant enough temperatures, although it isn't really that warm yet. It just feels that way to us deprived people. We aren't used to anything. I've got the windows open on a crack, but I do feel a bit of a draft and it's a bit chilly. I'll have to put on my bathrobe over my clothes if I want to keep myself warm enough. I do so dislike being uncomfortable. 

Today I wanted to be on the beach of a tropical island in my bikini with a fruity cocktail in my hand. To me that seemed like the ultimate bliss. I would really like to feel the warm sunshine and the equally warm wind on my body. I would like to be warm all over. If I had to, I would find the shade of a palm tree, but at least it would still be pleasant. I would get a terrific tan and swim in the perfectly clear blue sea and eat delicious fish from the ocean that was grilled over an open fire.

A woman can dream, can't she? There are people doing this right now. 

I mustn't spend too much time fantasizing, although a little bit of it is okay. In your imagination you can do many interesting things and make your ordinary life more fun. When I was in Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, the circumstances were nice enough to make me think I was in a tropical place and I got a good taste of it and will never forget the experience. I can remember it whenever I need to escape in my head and I have more memories like that. 

What I most miss is being warm. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner and make something hot to drink. That should warm my cold bones. I act like it is a cold day in winter. I must be getting old. 

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Not smoking...

I've had two days of not smoking now and I must say that it's not always easy. I think about cigarettes and wanting to smoke one a lot. There are times when it is almost constantly on my mind.

Luckily, I am unable to smoke because I have removed all the tobacco from the apartment. There is none here that I can make cigarettes with in a moment of temptation. I find that much easier to deal with because now if I get those cravings for them, I don't have to worry about giving into them. I can go ahead and acknowledge the craving and know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I find it easier to drink a cup of coffee without a cigarette than to drink a glass of milk without one. I don't know why that is. I haven't yet started to compensate for the lack of cigarettes by starting to eat more. Maybe that is because I have the nicotine patch.

I have been told that regardless, I will gain a couple of kilos because everybody does once they stop smoking. It's a small price to pay, I think. It has to do with the slowing down of your metabolism or something along those lines. It was explained to me by the person who I had an appoinment with at the doctor's office, but I don't quite remember it all now.

Enough about that. There are other things in life than quitting smoking, although it doesn't seem that way right now.  I am sort of preoccupied with it at the moment.

This morning I'm going to Ikea with my sister to pick up the things I will need to finish transforming the living room. I've got my shopping list all ready to go and I know that the items I want are available. I'm looking forward very much to going and buying the things I need, but I'm looking forward even more to coming home with them and putting them in place.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling unsettled, I took the dog for a long walk, much to the pleasure of the dog. We took a route that we seldom take and the dog was well behaved. He didn't dawdle everywhere. We walked at a pretty steady pace and when we got home I really felt that we had gotten some exercise.

When I still proved to be uneasy because of the non smoking policy, I went to bed and took a nap. I had changed the sheets and very gladly got in between them. The nap got me over the worst part of the cravings. It's funny that the daytime should be the worst for missing the cigarettes. I had not expected that. I thought it would be worse during the nighttime, like right now.

This is, after all, when I have the most fun and when I indulge in all my pleasures. I let it all hang out during the night, or so I thought. Apparently I'm not as out of control as I thought I was. I am, for the most part, just as sensible during the night as I am during the day. There goes my reputation as a fun girl. It's completely shot.

I must go back to bed now. I have nothing interesting left to write about and I want to go to sleep so it will be morning soon. I'm like a kid anticipating a school outing.

Ciao,
Nora

The same, but different...

I've already slept well and longer than I usually do. I made the mistake of waking up all by myself and in the process waking up the dog who was peacefully lying down beside me on the bed. That was a shame because he'd had no plans to get up until I woke him. 

Once I did, he wouldn't let me go back to sleep, of course, and proceeded to lick my face every time I tried. I blame it on the fact that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his too and would have searched for him immediately if he had not been beside me when I woke up. We are that attached to each other. 

I made just enough coffee for two cups, but I only drank one until my stomach protested and I switched to cold milk. I'm much happier now and my thirst is quenched. 

I've not been drinking nearly the amount of coffee that I used to and I can only think that this is a good thing. As a consequence, I've had to figure out how to make a little bit of coffee in the coffeemaker and I've got that down to a science. I don't need so much coffee to wake up with. A little bit of caffeine goes a long way. My coffee consumption is cut in half. 

Today I'll go on a mission of much importance and I've got to make sure that I'm properly turned out because I have to make a good impression. I have to look like the sensible good woman that I am. Or at least of what society's idea is of that. I've got to put some thought into what I'll wear. Somehow I think that will lend more credence to my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Filling my time...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and I am apparently insistent on starting the day at this ungodly hour. There is, of course, nothing wrong with it because there are no rules about when a person is supposed to undertake such a thing. You get up out of bed and make yourself some coffee and find out that you are in a functioning mode and in a good mood. It's as simple as that. There lies no complication in it whatsoever. 

You do have to decide what you are going to do with all those empty hours that lie ahead of you. You have to creatively and usefully fill those up. I do not lack an imagination, but sometimes I do fall short of the task and don't know enough things to do. That's why it is so nice to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I can wile away many long moments doing those activities, passive as they are. They seem to fit my personality which is introvert and pragmatic. 

I'll be taking a shower early this morning and getting dressed before it's dawn. I do have a nice, new, long sleeved T-shirt with a pretty print on it that I'm looking forward to wearing. I will have to wear a cardigan over it because it's a bit chilly outside. It's warm enough inside because I have the heater on despite my concerns about the energy bill. I wanted to be comfortable and only knew of one way besides wearing my warm bathrobe. It's awful anyway to take a shower in a cold bathroom. Brrr...

The dog will be happy because he'll get to go for a walk early too. There's still a clear sky outside, but it's supposed to rain later today and not get much warmer. I hope it waits with raining for a while because I have to go to the tobacco shop first thing when it opens. I will probably be their first customer and an eager one too. I'm almost out of tobacco and may have to wear a nicotine patch for a while. It would be a good time to quit actually. Only I don't think that I have the courage for it right now. I have to be in the right frame of mind. That counts for a lot too. 

In another two days my daughter and her father will be back from Italy. I am very happy about that and do have enough patience for that. Two days are manageable. I know that they are having a good time and that helps a lot too. I do want their vacation to be something that they can look back on with pleasure. The fact that I miss my daughter pales in comparison. I can't be selfish and think of only me. I do want the last days that I spend with her to be of quality. I will make sure of that. 

The coffee tastes awfully good. It is from Starbuck's and my daughter brought me an enormous package of it. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to like it, but I did after the initial pot of it. I had to adjust the dose of ground coffee that I put in the filter, but got it right the second time around. Now I'm an old pro at making it. 

I hope you'll al have a really good day. I'm planning on one myself. So is the dog, I think. 

Ciao,

Nora

I wasn't quite ready for it yet...

I went to bed late in the evening after watching a thriller thinking I was ready to go to sleep, but when I was lying there, sleep didn't come no matter how hard I tried, so I got up again and made myself some coffee. I did what I usually do in the middle of the night only now I did it a little bit earlier. The fact that I didn't sleep yet doesn't bother me. I will stay up for a while and amuse myself until I'm ready to call it quits for the night and go to bed again. Sooner or later I will get the sleep I need. I've got no place to go in the morning and I can sleep late providing the dog will let me. 

The coffee tastes very good and is turning me into my usual cheerful self. I'm lucky that caffeine does have that effect on me and that I can count on it. It provides me with many happy moments. You could say that it's the drug of my choice. It and nicotine are the crutches that I stand on. I do want to quit the nicotine soon though. It's a bad habit that I can ill afford. I think about quiting quite often and try to determine when would be a good moment. I want to succeed and am trying to figure out how to best achieve that. It's a resolution for the very near future. I'm coming around to it. I've even thought of accupuncture and reading that book by Allen Carr that helps you quit. 

I'm sitting here very cozily in my bathrobe and the heater isn't even on. Outside it has stopped storming and all is quiet for a change. I hope this is the end of the foul weather. It did really hit us today. Luckily, there was no snow, just hail and lots of rain.  I'm more than comfortable now though, and oh, so warm. I should always be dressed in my bathrobe because I would never be cold. 

I think the thriller that was on tonight was called 'Trial and Retribution.' It was very good and kept me up and mesmerized. I liked the people who had the lead roles as they weren't the usual glamour types. They were unknown to me, but that doesn't mean much. I'm not up on all British actors. They were very believable and the plot was good. It was the usual well done British thriller. The BBC does have the budget to turn out good ones as opposed to Dutch program makers who don't. It does make a difference. 

I'm drinking cold milk now in preparation to getting ready to go to bed. It's waking up the orchestra that's in my stomach and producing quite some sounds. It's a good thing that I'm sitting here all by myself. It would be embarrassing to do this in company. It will settle down soon enough after I have had the last little bit and it has passed my gastric band. It always protests loudly before it does. Milk must be enough like a solid food to behave this way. 

I've told you all I have to say for now. I suppose it's time for me to go back to bed. I'm not really sleepy, but I'll try anyway. I can't think of another thing to do. The dog and the cat are sound asleep. I'll take the lead from them. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

. 

How to spend the night...

The one thing you do is to not spend all of it sleeping. That's a complete waste of time. You may think that sleeping is a useful activity, but I tend to disagree with that if it's in the middle of the night. I can't think of a better way to spend that time than to spend it being awake and up and about. That. of course, is just my own personal vision and you may disagree. 

Maybe you get a good night's sleep and you have no complicated dreams and you feel very refreshed in the morning when you wake up. That's not my own experience and I'm always glad that I wake up after I've been asleep for a few hours so that I can get up and spend some time behind the computer with a few cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It's when I'm most alert and in charge of all of my faculties. 

But I tell you no new stories when I tell you that. It's a well known fact by now that this is what I do. I also can't force myself to write the kind of drivel that I write here during the night in the daytime. I'm not in the proper frame of mind then.  During the day, I would be too embarrassed to write some of the things down that I write here during the night. I think I bare my soul better at night or after I just wake up from a nap.. 

That maybe sounds contradictory, but for me is not to reason why. I'll accept both my statements as given facts. I'd hate to have to explain everything I state here. If I'm unclear than that's just so. It can't be helped. 

Last night I was in a terribly grumpy mood that only disappeared slowly. I didn't analyze it too much, but in the back of my mind I had some clues as to the origins of it. I ended up eating some dinner and watching some TV before I went to bed and found my solace under the warm duvet. 

I think you subconsciously run into frustrations all the time in your contacts with the people you care about and sometimes it's better to take a little breather from everybody and spend some time on your own.

Quality time with yourself and other people is still what it all revolves around. It's not about quantity. A little bit goes a long way. You've got to appreciate the little bits and not repeat them too often. Repetition leads to irritation and takes away from the specialness of the occasion. You fall into a rut.

I'm afraid I'm preaching. I do have a tendency to do that sometimes. It's when I'm trying to convince myself most. 

It's time to go back to bed. I've been philosophical enough, although I've really put the brakes on my thoughts. I've censored myself quite a bit. 

Sleep tight everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sleep may be overrated.

I ought to be going back to bed now, but I'll attempt to write a post. I'll see if I have it in me. I've stopped drinking coffee some time ago, so I may not be alert enough for it. I may not quite have the thinking capacities to pull it off. I'll start on this post and see where it leads me. I may have to delete it somewhere down the line, but you will not be any wiser for it. 

I've sat here for quite a long time already. The nighttime hours have been slowly ticking away and it is almost morning. Well, optimistically speaking it is. If it were summertime, it would be getting light soon. Unfortunately it is not, so I can let that whole idea fly out the window. It is almost time to take my medicines and I'm drinking my second glass of ice cold milk. It isn't making me burp too bad for a change. Miracles never cease. 

When I get up again in the morning, I'm very leisurely going to drink a cup of coffee before I walk the dog. He can do his first piddle out back. Then all I have to do is hang up a load of clean laundry and that is a fun chore. But first I plan to sleep late or as long as the dog will let me. He usually isn´t too impatient in the morning and knows I need a little bit of time. We´ve become adjusted to each other´s schedules. 

It´s with some amount of satisfaction that I look forward to the day because it will be very laid back. I will see my sister this afternoon, but for the most part my time will be filled with leisurely activities. Getiing dressed well and applying my make up properly will be some of them. I´m really going to take my time getting them right. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will also annoint my skin with delicious smelling cremes. 

Which reminds me that I´m in dire need of a good perfume. I haven´t had one for a long time and in the recent past have had to do with some inferior ones. I hope the Glossy Box brings a solution in the form of samples. That´s what I´m really looking forward to. Well, amongst other things.

I´ve got to go to bed. I´m also in dire need of sleep. I´ve got to get the rest of it before the day really starts. I´m yawning already. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given. 

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make  up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently.  You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order. 

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe. 

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do. 

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her. 

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries. 

Ciao,

Nora

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 

Ciao,

Nora

Better get it straight from the beginning...

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep. 

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me. 

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry. 

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

I didn't really appreciate the dog barking at me tonight. I was sound asleep in my bed, after all. It was a wake up call. He had to go out back to do a piddle. 

I think he could have waited a few more hours to do that and have let me sleep a while longer, but apparently he doesn't think in such terms. When he has an urge, it has to be satisfied immediately.

Standing outside by the back door wasn't such a bad thing because it was nice and cool out there. It was a clear night, although rain had been predicted. I let the dog take his time and enjoyed the pleasant night air on my warm and sleepy body. This woke me up a bit more. 

When the dog came in, I reluctantly went inside and locked the door. I was sufficiently cooled off anyway.

I turned on the computer and made a pot of coffee. Having learned my lesson last night, I have been making the coffee less strong and this has been a success. It still is strong enough to wake me up properly and get me in a functioning mode. It's not so strong that it upsets my stomach, which has been known to happen. 

I have also been making less coffee all at once, so I'm pouring less down the kitchen drain and I feel very economically sensible. 

That's the terminology you use nowadays instead of saying that you're frugal. Frugality is an old fashioned concept and something our grandparents practiced. We could all draw a lesson from them and learn how to live sensibly. It was waste not, want not in those days. 

All we need to do is go back and have the mindset of those days. We'd be satisfied quicker and learn to get by with less.

The wind has picked up and is blowing the fallen, dried leaves through the street. We may be in for a change of weather. Rain was predicted for the night and possibly it will arrive now. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it will gently fall soon. There's nothing better to listen to while I'm lying in bed.

Except for the gentle snoring of the dog, of course. 

I hope you'll all have a nice Friday. 

Ciao,

Nora