Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

After my birthday...

The most fun about my birthday was going downtown with my sister. It rained nearly up to the time we were supposed to leave, but when it was time to go, it stopped raining and it didn't rain again for the rest of the day. We rode our bikes downtown and parked them and went to the department store where I had seen pretty cardigans advertised on television of which I wanted to get one. We were very disappointed, though, because there were only a few left and they were all in the wrong color and the wrong size, so that turned out to be a popcorn fart. Imagine the store advertising them and then being almost out of them. That's no way to keep your customers happy.

We went to another store of which I knew that they usually have something good in my size and walking around there, my sister spotted a very pretty cardigan in a lovely color in my size. I tried it on, but knew ahead of time that I was going to like it, so trying it on was merely a formality. It fit beautifully and was very flattering and matched the clothes I was wearing very well, so that's the cardigan my sister bought me. I was quite contend with that.

We went to a café on the big square and sat outside under the wide awning that had a heater built in and ordered coffee and pie. My pie had whipped cream and white chocolate and it was so good, it was like an angel walking over my tongue. It was an enormous slice and I ate it as slowly as I could, but it was too much for me to finish and I nearly passed out eating it. We had a good time, though, and chatted and watched the people walk by. There were still plenty of tourists, even though the schools and universities have started up again. People watching is such a sport, but so is chatting about everything under the sun while having a cup of coffee.

We walked through the main shopping street and said goodbye at the tourist office where my sister works and I rode my bike home, hoping I wouldn't get rained on and I didn't, because the gods were smiling on me. No doubt because it was my birthday.

The Exfactor came over and did the groceries for me and bought pastries for by the coffee and gave me my presents, one of which was a set of tennis balls with which he made Tyke very happy, because we had misplaced the one and only tennis ball he had. The Exfactor had bought me wheat bread with poppy seeds of which I had a peanut butter sandwich at night. I was so full of the pie that I couldn't eat all day. He had a pastry and I watched him eat it, with no desire to have one myself.

After the Exfactor left, my friend Lucienne came over. I had not seen her in a long time, though we talk on the phone a lot. At least once a week, if not twice. We had a good old visit and I was sorry to see her go. I may not see her again for a long time, though she is in the neighborhood quite often. She finds it hard to do things spontaneously and has to carefully plan everything. She misses out on life a lot.

I had decorated the living room with streamers and balloons that I had found when I cleaned up one of the dresser drawers. Tyke was very much interested in the balloons and I gave him one to play with. Needless to say, it burst. He was shaken by that, but when I took everything down, I gave him more balloons to play with and he did it as carefully as he could. Eventually one would burst, but he was prepared and took some pleasure in it. He thought he had killed it and went on to the next balloon. He approached them and hit them and backed off, over and over again, until they burst. It's a good way to keep your dog amused, after the initial shock.

This morning I had to go see my SPN and I was sitting there yawning and made her yawn too. I had gotten enough sleep, but I was so ready to take a nap. I wanted to curl up on the floor right there and go to sleep. We talked about me quitting smoking and how hard that was going to be, but how determined I was and how very sure I am that I am going to succeed. She'll believe that when she sees it. She has a two week vacation coming up and when I see her next I will be an ex-smoker if all goes well. On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy and ordered a two week supply of nicotine patches. I'm starting with the highest dose and will then taper off. I will do it over a period of six weeks, I think.

I took a nap on the sofa when I got home and slept for an hour and a half and was awakened by the Exfactor who came to help me move the sofa to the hallway from where it will be picked up on Friday by the people who will take it to the dump. It is an old, worn out, ugly sofa and it is time for it to go. I have bought a new sofa and it will be delivered first thing tomorrow morning. I plan on paying it off with the money I save from not buying tobacco anymore. The new sofa is very modern and black, because Tyke is black, and it will match the rest of the interior. So needless to say, I'm very excited about that. Now all I have to do is get the living room and hallway painted and buy new curtains. I've seen those in the Ikea catalog.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Sleep indeed...

I slept all night last night, just like an ordinary person, I swear to God. It was an amazing experience after not having done so for about a week. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up at a decent time after having had a few significant dreams that I was rather pleased with. Dreams that normally have lots of frustration in them, but that now had satisfying endings. They point me emotionally in a whole new direction and remind me of some of my rights and desires and my own power as a human being. It is possible to swim and not drown in life's complications. It may even turn out to be a warm tropical sea in which you will float. I don't mean to speak in mysteries, but they are realities to me.

I woke up with some time to spare before I had to go to my SPN. I drank coffee and answered my emails. Then I got dressed and walked Tyke. We met a woman with two French bulldogs and much sniffing and snorting went on before all the dogs were happy. The bulldogs snorted, of course, with their flattened noses. Tyke likes these encounters very much and is as happy as a toddler in the zoo. He just can't get enough of it and I literally have to pull him away with all my might. He longingly looks back at his departing friends and really wants to follow them home.

My SPN pointed out to me, that my grievances may actually be real and that I should not just dismiss them as being a product of the absence of enough medication in my system, although she did say that this possibly aggravates it. We looked at one situation in particular and found that it had a real basis and that it was not something I imagined to be true. I do have a real grievance, it is based on something and I have every right to be upset about it and to want to correct it. It's just how I go about it that makes the difference. That's the important part. I feel that I have to be very careful about that and not burn any bridges behind me and I think I could easily have done that yesterday, because my tone would have been very accusatory and nasty. I can't have that. I do want to stay rational and calm. It's the best way to achieve what I want.

The Exfactor was supposed to be here and I just called him to find out where he was and he told me he's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. I'm slightly p*ssed off about this, because I would have waited in vain and he would not have called me. Besides, I think it's rude to say you're going to be here and then decide not to show up. I did count on it and have been waiting since 11 am when I rushed home from my appointment. I think he does insist on leeway a little too much.

I've walked Tyke again and he was his same predictable stubborn self who insisted on being ornery in all the same places. I can pinpoint ahead of time where that is going to be and I'm waiting for him to get over it. Sooner or later he must catch on to the fact that I'm not going to give in to him and that we are not going in that direction and that we are going to move on and that we aren't going to walk around those trees. He did finally get his way and ate the bread that the ducks didn't eat and he acted like it was something incredibly special. Like I had starved him for days. He's got a very tough life here.

The day has been mostly sunny, although there are clouds in the sky and it isn't all that warm. We are just pretending it's warm and everybody is out with bare arms and bare legs, even the mailman. Let it not be said that we aren't optimists. It would be nice to sit out on a cafe terrace now and have a cold beer, though a glass of white wine would do nicely too. You do need someone to sit with, though, and the only person I can think of is my friend Yvonne. Everybody else is unavailable. My sister is in Italy and my friend Lucienne is in Spain. Besides, it's too late in the afternoon to make plans. I should have thought of it earlier. Oh no, I thought the Exfactor was coming.

At least I haven't felt the need for a nap and that is a bonus point. It will probably mean that I will sleep well tonight. I will read my thriller this afternoon. I tried to read it in bed last night, but fell asleep with it quickly. I had enough sense to put it under my pillow and turn off the light, although Tyke hasn't been in the least bit destructive anymore. I think those days are behind him, knock on wood. He leaves my books alone and the books on the bookcase are safe too. So are my shoes and my cigarettes and lighter. He's just about done being a "terrible toddler."

I hope you're all having a good day. I hope your weather is nice. It's slowly warming up in the living room now that the sun is shining through the windows. I don't have a tan yet, but I may try to get one.

Ciao,
Nora

The second time...

I'm up for the second time this morning. I was up much earlier, before the early birds had even started singing. I drank my coffee and answered my emails and read blogs and then walked Tyke, but decided that I wasn't really awake at all and went back to bed, where I slept for another three hours. That was just what I needed and I feel much better now and like I've had enough sleep.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe now, nice and warm, with a cup of coffee. When I walked Tyke early this morning it was cold outside and I wore my jacket and a scarf, of which neither was a luxury, but now I'm toasty warm and very comfortable. I'm so comfortable that I may never get dressed, but that is silly and I do have to get dressed, because I'm supposed to meet my friend Yvonne later today for a cup of coffee downtown and I still want to go to the store and buy that bathroom scale.

I'm very curious about how much I will weigh and I can't wait to step on the scale. I have the feeling that I've lost a lot of weight, judging by how my clothes fit me. I wore my tight jeans yesterday, but they weren't so tight anymore. They were a bit baggy in the legs and I wore a smaller belt that I really had to pull tight. I'm going to wear some different jeans today and I can't wait to see how those will fit me. Oh, vanity, all is vanity...or is it sanity, all is sanity? I think maybe the latter.

It's cloudy and windy outside today, typical Dutch weather. The sun shines off and on. If it weren't for the beauty of the clouds, it would discourage you. You almost want it to rain to get it over and done with, but then the sun comes through and that really looks good too. It's the kind of sky the Old Masters painted, except that we don't have the endless horizon to go with it or the ships on the stormy sea. To be by the sea now would be a great thing. To have your hair blown to smithereens by the wind and to see the waves pound on the shore. You don't worry about having a bad hair day then like I do now. All it takes is a good haircut, right?

My friend Yvonne let me know she would call me at the last minute to say if she was going to be there, but that she was having a hard time and that she didn't think so. I just wrote her an email saying that I assume she is not going to make it and that I'm making different plans. I'm not going to sit here until 1 pm and wait for that phone call when I could be doing other things. I also have to buy new accessories for the bathroom and go to the post office.

--------------------

I've just roughed up my hair into a punk hairdo and put on my other jeans that fit me surprisingly well. I pulled them on without any problems. That sure did good things for my self esteem. I put the smaller belt in them and pulled it tight. I'd hate for them to slide off my rear end. I don't have a lot of hips yet to speak of. They will reappear last, I'm sure. I took Tyke for a walk and it was a little bit warmer outside. I still wore my leather jacket, but left it open. It's warm when you're in the sun and out of the wind, but when are you when you are on your bike like I will be shortly?

I've got to get going now. I've dawdled enough. I have to get my purse and my wallet and hop on my bike. My trusty steed.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Ciao,

Nora

Election Day!

I slept 7 hours last night. I went to sleep at 10 pm and had to go to the toilet at 1:30 am. It crossed my mind briefly to stay up, but then dismissed that as a very silly idea and went back to bed and was asleep again in a second after my head hit the pillow, so you can see what a very silly idea that had been. Can you imagine me even considering that? It's a good thing that even I have some common sense.

When I got up, I was really ready to get up and the first thing I did was turn on the computer because, god forbid, I can't miss those first few hours behind the computer. I made myself a cup of coffee and was ready to be woken up properly and answer my emails. Now, however, I've started to yawn again and I've just made my second cup of coffee, because I don't want to go back to bed to sleep some more. Enough is enough.

This morning I have to go vote. It's very important that I do. I'm not going to vote for the party of my choice, but for the party that stands the most chance at beating the Liberal Democrats and that I won't be unhappy about seeing as the coalition leader. If they deliver the prime minister, then that's okay with me. Their coalition will be one I can live with. It will be a socialist coalition. So, I'm voting strategically. The Liberal Democrats have the same attitude as conservative American Republicans, so I don't know why they call themselves Liberal Democrats. It's very misleading.

This afternoon I have a date with my friend Yvonne on the Our Dear lady Square at our favorite café. It's been a long time since we've met there, I won't even attempt to count the months, and it's about time we saw each other there. It will be nice to sit out on the terrace and have our coffees and watch the people go by while we chat. I'm sure we'll have a lot of chatting to do, although we have seen each other in that time. Yvonne is a loyal friend and has been there for me when times got rough. The only problem is that it has started raining and it's supposed to rain on and off all day today, so there may be a problem getting there on my bike. I'll have to wait and see how that turns out.

My mood seems improved. I don't have that confused feeling anymore, nor that feeling of being overwhelmed. It seems that sleep always restores a lot and I think that maybe it is better if I start taking naps again during the day, because I think I'm pushing past my energy levels. It's not physical exhaustion that bothers me, but mental tiredness and that can be very draining. It tends to mix up your feelings and to impair the way you cope with them and to also bring the worst of them to the surface. It makes a mess of your thought processes and keeps you from thinking clearly and coming to the right conclusions.

That's what exhaustion does to you. It takes a long time to catch up on a missing night's sleep, is my experience. It upsets your whole biorhythm. I suppose some people are more sensitive to that. Me being one of them. I don't do well with changes anyway and need for my life to be very predictable and have everything go the same familiar way day in day out. I do, at times, have an adventurous spirit, though, and used to like roaming in my car and go wherever the road took me and see whatever there was to see. As long as I had my dependable car to transport me. I haven't driven a car in more than 16 years and with that have given up a lot of my freedom.

Well, I have to go wash my hair and get dressed and then Tyke and I are going to walk to the voting place. Keep your fingers crossed for the fate of the Netherlands today. A lot depends on it.

Ciao,
Nora

No sleep.

I haven't been to bed yet and it looks like I will not be about to for awhile. I am wide awake and I don't yet have a sleepy bone in my body. This is most unfortunate, because it is well past midnight when all decent folks are supposed to be asleep.

I've watched boring TV. I even watched Studio Football and that is really desperate TV watching when you're a woman, although I am probably going to watch all the games in the World Cup in which the Dutch team plays. Not that I really think we will become world champions, but you can always hope. There is the excitement of the well made goal or the terrible disappointment of a lost game, when everybody will say that we had lousy players nstead of the really good ones we have now. Or it will be blamed on the hamstring injury of Arjan Robben that we lost or the presence or absence of Wim Kuyt. It will be blamed on something or somebody. It will not be because we played a bad game.

There's a gentle breeze moving the blinds in front of the open windows. It is cool and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe. It's actually not that cool in the apartment, it's all in my imagination. I think I am cooled off because of the breeze, therefor I think I need my bathrobe. In reality it is 22.5C in here. That's more than warm enough. As far as I can tell, that's 72.5F. It's balmy. Well, it's not quite like living in the tropics maybe, but close enough. I could imagine that it is a tropical night, I suppose, although it is no summer night in the desert when you can go for a swim.

Tyke is sleeping beside me on the floor. He has decided anyway that it is bedtime. You can't fool a dog. He talks to me now when he needs attention. It's very funny and he reaches out with his right paw, so he is right handed. He has calmed down a lot. It is permanent. He's starting to leave his puppy ways behind him, but he is still lots of fun and full of surprises and he charms old ladies that he meets in the street. I just wish he didn't have to piddle every 20 seconds. It does keep us busy.

Toby is secretly eating Tyke's food. He has been trying to do that all day, but he got caught every time. I guess Tyke's not very hungry today, because he left half of it in his bowl. He is very protective of it, though, and absolutely doesn't want Toby to touch it. He sees Toby as a rival for everything. I'm sure because Toby is a male also. Gandhi is a sweet female, so Tyke tolerates her a lot better and bosses her around. I should almost say, tosses her around, but it's not quite that bad yet. Gandhi does know how to get out of the way on time.

The breeze has stopped blowing and now everything is very quiet. It's in the middle of the night and the town is asleep. At least, the suburbs are. It may be quite different downtown where the cafés are. I'm going downtown on Wednesday to meet my friend Yvonne. That's in the planning anyway, weather permitting. It depends on how serious this threat of rain is. Hopefully it won't be that bad and there will be many dry spells. It also depends on how hard the rain comes down. If it's just a gentle shower, and I'm on my bike, it's not such a bad thing, but if it rains buckets, I won't go out in it. There's nothing worse than sitting somewhere in drenched clothes with ruined hair. Luckily, I don't wear make up anymore or I'd worry about getting raccoon eyes.

I'm all ready for bed, so all I have to do is take off my bathrobe and go lie down in it. It gives me no incentive to actually go and do it. That's another matter altogether. Not even the clean sheets help me go. I'm sitting here very cozily and I'm not about to break the spell. My feet are cool, so that's good. The rest of me is warm. Eventually I'll have to go to bed, simply because there will be nothing else to do. I will go out of boredom.

Imagine me getting bored. There ought not to be such a thing. It is impossible. I can always write a post, after all. It seems I never run out of things to write about. I don't know if they are all fascinating, but to me they are amusing enough to write down and they help the time pass. I could probably sit here all night and do nothing but write posts, one after the other. I don't know if I would do anybody any favors with them, but it would sure keep me out of trouble. That's the main objective, isn't it?

I will be good and end this one now, but there are no guarantees that I will not write another one. It depends on if I'm able to sleep. I don't yet feel it in my bones or anywhere else Maybe I'll play around with the look of my blog. That will keep me busy for a few minutes.

Ciao,
Nora

Recuperation.

I'm trying to recuperate from a whole night up spemt with Tyke. He had to piddle quite often, but didn't warn me when he had to go in his befuddled state. Instead, he started to wander around the apaprtment and I had to direct him to the back door, so he could go out to the patio and piddle in the flowerbed. I didn't get any sleep until this morning and some this afternoon and I'm still not caught up, but I'll save the rest for tonight.

Tyke is still not back to normal and is very subdued, but he's better than he was yesterday and his eye doesn't look too bad, although this morning it was encrusted with dried blood and I had to remove that. I've taken the collar off and he isn't bothering his eye, so I think it is okay. He was so miserable with it on and the drool had made the front of him and his ears all wet and stinky. I have to soap up a wash cloth when he's feeling a bit perkier.

He did go with me this morning to return the umbrella to the hairdresser and to the tobacco shop, but I think he did it just to please me, because when we got home he was completely spent and he hasn't done much since that time.

My friend Yvonne was here this afternoon and he greeted her very sedately, not at all like his normal enthusiastic self, and when the Exfactor also got here, it was more of the same. They both thought he was on his best behavior, but I had to help them out of that illusion.

It's very obvious that people like me better with my glasses on. I get approached more openly than I do without them. Yvonne says that I look friendlier. Maybe that is because I see everybody better. I recognize people easier. Whatever the difference is, it is positive, so I better keep wearing them. Please remind me of this whenever I start to doubt the use of my glasses, besides not getting headaches, of course. I do think being friendlier is very important.

I wish I weren't so darn tired. I would go to sleep on the sofa, but I'm waiting for a package to be delivered. They said they would be here between 12 and 6 pm. Of course, it will be closer to 6 pm, so you sit and wait the whole afternoon and can't walk the dog. Come to think of it, I will check my mailbox and make sure they didn't stick it in there like they sometimes do.

Yes, it was in the mailbox and here I was futily waiting for the door bell to ring. Now I have to take Tyke for a walk.

Okay, did that.

I think I'm going to lie down now and take a little nap. I need one badly as you can witness by this post. It's not quite full of life.

Ciao,
Nora

Up again...

It's very early in the morning and I have been up for a while answering the emails in my in box. This is always an enjoyable occupation that I take my time for with a cup of coffee. I went to bed so early last night, that I woke early again too and that was not surprising, of course. Doubtlessly I will go back to bed later this morning and sleep a few more hours after I have taken my medicines. As a matter of fact, I'm already yawning, so I probably won't last much longer. I did manage to read my book for awhile before I went to sleep last night and I even remembered to put it way and take my reading glasses off and turn off the light. If I read at this rate, I should be able to finish that book in a week's time. Yes, that's how slowly I'm reading. It's not like back when I finished a book in a day.

I let myself temporarily get sidetracked by Facebook to see if there were any interesting bits of news by people I am friends with, but there was nothing earth shattering. Just the usual amusing stuff. Sometimes I look for interesting news stories to post, but I couldn't find anything today that was very unusual. Facebook helps me keep track of my daughter on a daily basis, so it is very handy for that. I keep my amount of friend s to a minimum and am constantly weeding out the group to get rid of not really friends and I'm very picky about who I become friends with. I was less discriminate when I first started and added a lot of artists to my friends, but it was not real. I really didn't know those people, they just seemed interesting.

In the meantime, the hours are passing by and it is now properly morning. If you fiddle around long enough you do make the time go by quickly. I've only had to cups of coffee and one mug of milk. I've definitely had enough coffee now, two cups is my limit. I need to eat some breakfast and I think I will have some Camembert. Without a doubt I'll have to share some with Tyke. He's a regular connoisseur, after all.

Right, I'm going back to bed and hope to get nice and warm very quickly. I have cold hands and feet now. I hope you all have a nice day, or a nice night if that is the case. Think of me soundly sleeping in my warm bed and I will do like wise.

Ciao,

Nora

Music to write by.

The Exfactor came and looked at my speaker problem and realized immediately that I needed a power cable to make them work, which is something that I had suspected also, but I did not know what it looked like or where to plug it in. The problem was solved almost right away, though we had some problem finding the right place to plug the cable into, but we managed that in the end too, and voilá, music! Ella Fitzgeralds lovely voice came pouring out of the speakers. I knew the Exfactor would solve my problem and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot from him.

In my spare time I've been adding to my playlist of popular music with such people as Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash and Sammy Davis Jr and Elvis Presley (all of his old stuff). See, I was born in the wrong era. This time I have no modern music. Oh, and I have Buddy Holly too. I'm just going to pretend it's sometime in the fifties and early sixties and that I was a grown up then who hung out in cocktail bars and smoked cigarettes from a long elegant cigarette holder and who men bought interesting cocktails for. I probably never would have gotten into the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Not that I ever did, really. I liked classical music.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and he was genuinely pleased for me that things were going so well. I sat there quite perky and alert and I don't think he has ever seen me like that. Usually I was this slow and morose woman who was very serious. I wasn't being frivolous now, but much more light hearted and uncomplicated. I'm feeling so much better now and he said that I should feel the complete effect of the Welbutrin in another 2 weeks, so I've got something to look forward to.

I'm going to start reducing the rest of my old medication next week with little increments at the time, so that I will not have any problems with it. I shouldn't have withdrawal problems, but really, after that enormous reduction I did at the beginning and the one day of enormous withdrawal symptoms I had from that, I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Nothing will ever be as bad as that, and it only lasted for one day. I'm assuming a lot, aren't I? I'm either very optimistic or very naive. I'll just assume the best case scenario.

I had a cup of coffee there, but it must have been a very weak one, because I'm yawning something awful and will be forced to make my own cup. That will bring the total up to 4 cups for today, which is not too bad. It is within reason. I like the fact that I'm tired, because I'll go to bed early tonight and fall asleep quickly and hopefully sleep late in the morning. Sleep is a many splendored thing. You can guess who I'm listening to now, can't you? Music used to be overly romantic. It was not at all good for people. It gave them the completely wrong idea about love. Especially those of us who were very impressionable. Ahum!

There, I just took Tyke for a walk and it wasn't even cold out, 13C. That feels like warm weather to us. Tomorrow it's going to be very warm, 19C. Can you believe it? It's fine, as long as I get to keep wearing my cowboy boots. I'll wear them even if the sparrows fall from the roof because of the heat, as the saying goes.

Today, in the waiting room, I saw a woman who used to be in my therapy classes with me and I was so glad to see her, because I really liked her a lot. Now I have to find her email address that I have around here somewhere, because we only had a short time to talk. It was so nice to see her friendly face and I realized how much I had missed seeing her. We used to have intense conversations during the coffee breaks. She reads this blog off and on, so I hope she leaves me a comment so I can contact her.

Well, okay people, that's all my rambling for right now. You probably won't hear from me again tonight, because I'll go to sleep early, in my clean apartment, in my clean bed, with squeeky clean hair.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Early in the morning on a Wednesday.

It's early in the morning again and I have been up for a while. I thought I would take the opportunity when I felt rather good and write a post. That is, if my little dog is going to let me. He is playing with Gandhi right now, but wants to involve me in the game also. Oh, he's decided to lie down by my feet now and be quiet. That's good, it helps if he doesn't jump on the keyboard. It does enable better writing, technically speaking.

I didn't sleep well during the night. My stomach was upset and that bothered me quite a bit. I had a slice of salami before I went to bed and that did not sit well. My gastric band wanted to reject it. The best thing to do was to get up and have things settle down there. A vertical position helps, so does drinking something. A cup of coffee works as good as anything, because it isn't about acid, but about mechanics.

I have to clean house today, because my friend Yvonne is coming over tomorrow afternoon for a cup of tea. That's a good motivation to get some things done around here. I'll gladly clean the apartment if a friend is coming over. I can't think of a better reason to. Well yes, if the queen were to come for tea, but she has yet to let me know if she is. Though why that should matter so much is beyond me. I am a republican, after all, and I don't mean that as opposed to a democrat.

I'm also going grocery shopping with my sister tomorrow afternoon, even though I'm not out of supplies yet, having lived very frugally this past week. I don't know how that happened, but it just did and I have made everything last. I do have to buy special puppy food for Tyke, because he's been getting regular dog food now and I'm sure he needs the special nutrients that are in puppy food. He has a fantastic appetite and would eat nonstop if I allowed it and he likes everything. I'm not used to that.

I've not been reading much these past few days and am still stuck in the same book. I'm nearing the end, though, and will try to finish it today. Then comes the hard choice of what to read next, because I have so many unread books to choose from. I'm thinking of trying Anita Shreve next. I have quite a few of her novels. I was thinking of reading "The Pilot's Wife." Does anyone know that one?

Well, I'm going to take my medicines and lie down for a while. I may even eat some breakfast now that my stomach has settled down again. I'll watch the repeat of the news while I do that. It pays to stay informed.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

His name is Tyke!

I am, as of 3:30 this afternoon, the proud owner of an 11 month old American cocker spaniel named Tyke. He is black all over except for under his tail, where he is white, which looks very cute.

I was very unsure about getting another dog when I found out about Jesker's tumor. At first I thought I wouldn't get another dog at all, but then I thought I would be awfully lonely without one and that I would very much miss the company and the routine and the loving care. Then I thought I would wait until Jesker was gone and that seemed like a sensible idea, but out of curiosity I started to visit the websites of all the local dog kennels and, of course, there were all the usual dogs there that nobody wanted. German shepherds, pit bulls, Jack Russel's, the usual assortment. I was not interested in getting any of those dogs.

This morning I went to the website of a kennel in Heerlen, which is a town twenty minutes away from here and saw, between all those dogs I didn't want, this wonderful American cocker spaniel. I couldn't believe it. It was a new dog and up for immediate adoption. I tried to put it out of my mind for a few hours, but couldn't and I kept thinking about that dog that was sitting there waiting for me. The problem was that I didn't have a ride, but then I remembered that I could call my friend Yvonne, who is a big dog lover herself, and ask her if she would take me there to pick up the dog.

I called her up and explained the situation to her and she was more than willing to take me there. She had planned to do the same thing when her dog before the one she has now died, but he died so suddenly, that she did not get a chance to pick out another dog until afterwards. She wanted to have another dog while he was still alive to ease the pain, so she understood what I was doing. Well, what really motivated me was the chance to get a good dog and they don't come along often. Just once in a while you see a dog like that at the dog kennels.

We drove over there and needless to say it was love at first sight. Here he was sitting in his cage with his sad looking eyes, but eager to make contact and very alert. The woman that worked there put him on a leash so I could get to know him better and he was all over me and all over Yvonne. He was so happy to be with people. I asked all the usual questions and was soon satisfied. Of course, we had to do all the paperwork and he had to get a chip in his neck with my information in it, but all in all it was a fairly painless operation.

Nobody needs to worry about Jesker not being a dominant dog, because he his. He made it clear from the start that he is in charge and that Tyke comes in second place. Anything Tyke can do, he can do better. He even steels his food and his toys, things he normally pays no attention to whatsoever. Dried dog food that he doesn't like. Rawhide bones that he never chews on. Tyke did manage to demolish one tennis ball on his own on the sofa. That took him about half an hour, so I need to get better balls. Well, everybody needs those. The cats let him know they weren't scared of him, so that was settled very quickly.

So, we have a new addition to the family and it will take some getting used to, but he is as cute as anything and listens well. We'll grow on each other in no time and do some real bonding, which he is very good at. He is very enthused when it comes to showing his love.

Oh, I don't like my template and I think some of you don't like it either, so I'm going to change it. The only one that comes close to the toad template has an animal on it that is very slow and sluggish, which may be appropriate for me, and it carries it's house on its back, which I think I do in the sense that I carry all my troubles with me. Also, I do like to go into hiding, just like this animal. I just hope it doesn't turn you off. I think it is just the least bit endearing and don't think of escargot.

Have a good evening, at least what's left of it. I've got to change my template and cuddle with both my dogs.

Ciao.

What I said I was...

What I claimed earlier was merely a suppressed and contemplative mood, actually turned into a major funk this afternoon after I had gotten up from my morning sleep. Suddenly I was not so confident about my own peace of mind anymore and appreciative of the silence and I felt oppressed by my feelings that all came crowding in, shouting at me all at once for equal attention. I had trouble pushing them away from me and became nervous and unsettled and had little anxious sounding melodies running through my head to keep my mind going in some kind of rhythm. My right leg was shaking quickly to the beat, as I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes while I sat on the sofa, trying not to be intimidated by the rest of the day.

What was so oppressive about it? Why did it suddenly loom so large and why did I suddenly feel so incapable? I started to name to myself the things I thought I ought to do and I numbered them in order of importance and then made a decision about whether or not they really were so important and if they were worth worrying about so much. I came to the conclusion that nothing very much was worth having a little nervous breakdown about and that I had to go about things in a logical manner.

I called my friend Lucienne to have someone to talk to about nothing important at all. Purely as a distraction from my own mind and not to discuss worries with. That put me in a different frame of mind. Then I decided to get dressed and walk the dog, even though I was trying to get out of it and I didn't want to go and he wasn't asking for it. I made myself do it and do the longer walk, even though for me the shorter walk would have sufficed. I needed to do the longer walk, because I was chickening out of doing things, it was that kind of day.

When I got back, I very reluctantly checked my bank account balance and saw that all was well and paid some bills. That made me feel better and I'm glad I didn't put if off any longer. That was preceded with opening what looked like was going to be a big bill that I would have to pay all at once, but that is going to be written off my bank account in 5 easy installments. So that was a bit of luck today. I do try to see the glass half full.

So slowly, by doing these things, I'm getting more of a grip on myself again and I don't feel so anxious anymore. Where before I briefly felt despair, I now feel some amount off calmness and I am not nervous anymore. Although you can ask yourself to what degree I subconsciously am nervous all the time and how much stress I generally walk around with that I keep suppressed as much as possible, but that is there beneath the surface all the time. I may seem like a mellow person, but I think deep down inside I'm not. I hold the reigns very tightly. I'm a typical Virgo when it comes down to it.

Now I'm feeling very tired and I think I will go lie down for a while, though I hate to upset my equilibrium. It's hard nowadays to figure out what to do, what the right thing is. I think a nap may be just the right thing, though.

Ciao.
Nora

Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

Whichever way the wind blows.

It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn't. I didn't start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.

After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don't want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don't like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.

I find myself in a position that I'm highly uncomfortable with what I'm sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I'm suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that's why I'm writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I'm also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don't know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I'm highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I'm open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that's the main issue.

My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I'm going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I'm second guessing their motivations. That's what's making me feel so scared. I don't feel safe in this world anymore and I don't know when the feeling will disappear. I'm still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I'll be far from home.

I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don't care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.

I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.

I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don't enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don't care much about the apartment, but I'm going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It's all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.

I feel I can't write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don't get anywhere. I'm tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can't keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn't even change a light bulb today. I couldn't get the darn thing screwed in.

The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don't see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn't be enough. Yes, I'm a stubborn patient. I don't believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.

Well, that's enough of this pathetically written post. It's one big lament, isn't it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I can't tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.

Ciao,
Nora

As I was saying...

I was so rudely interrupted by myself and my sudden need for sleep that I didn't even get to write a decent post. I never write such little bitty things as that! Jeez, it's almost something to be embarrassed about. I went to bed and slept another 5 hours and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. I felt well rested and like a whole new woman. I was ready to tackle the world again, which is no wonder if you've slept so little in the past two days and you're finally caught up again.

I can admit to myself now, and see it clearly, that I was manic, and here I thought for sure that it was because of the vitamin pills that I felt so well. I was convinced of that. I think I've gotten over it now, but I still have that happy feeling and if I don't, I'll just go to sleep until I have it back again. I'm playing my music as I type this and as long as I want to listen to music, all is well with the world. I'm listening to dEUS. The best Belgian Rock Group. Yes, they do have those in Belgium, besides having very good beer of which Palm is one of the best. You heard it here first.

My SPN called me to remind me of our appointment and I said I couldn't come because I was manic and that I was asleep finally.That took her aback, because the last time she talked to me I was deeply depressed. She asked me how much antipsychotic medication I took and when I told her she said that we couldn't increase it, which I already knew. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was sleep. I told her that I was seeing my psychiatrist next week, which is good, because she is going on holidays herself now until after New Year's. I hope I'm not going to be like a bouncy ball, up and down. That would be horrible. I hope this was just a big low followed by a big high and that is it. I hope I'm evened out now. I still feel like undertaking things, but in a much slower pace.

My friend Lucienne called me a while ago and sounded very down. I wanted to give her some of my energy, but I am unable to. I can't get her motivated to undertake things and get herself up out of the blues. She has no hobbies except shopping. Which I don't do, of course. I wish!

I have to buy myself a new diary for 2010. I'm already making appointments for that year, but I have no new calender yet. I don't know if I want a calender or a diary. Both have their good points. When I go to buy those new glasses, I will see what they have in that store and make up my mind there. I think I will go for a diary. It's easier to leaf through the weeks and months ahead. I very much liked the one I had last year, but it was sent to me by mistake and was meant for someone who used to live here. I thought that was a fortunate circumstance. Apparently they are not making that mistake this year. Darn!

I have to go and paint now. And then hang up the laundry and clean up my bedroom. These are all incredibly fun jobs which I.m looking forward to very much. Right, and my sister is the Queen of the Netherlands. Maybe I ought to take another nap instead. I'm yawning, so by rights I could.

Have a great day. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That leaves you with a lot of choices.

Ciao,
Nora

I can do anything...

I slept for such a long time last night. First I fell asleep on the sofa, then I sort of woke up and very drowsily took my medicines and changed into my pajamas. I got into bed and tried to read my book, but it was impossible and instead I went straight to sleep again. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, otherwise I would still be asleep, I think.

I was going to make a new work of art for the Art Exchange last night, but instead I looked through the work that I already had done and found the perfect thing for it. It's an acrylic painting on watercolor paper and it will do just fine. I just have to get a large enough envelope to send it in today. I'm assuming I can buy those at Action, so I will go over there this morning. Doubtlessly, I will see other things I like very much there and I'll have to contain myself and not go into a shopping frenzy.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and that really breaks up the day, so that I feel that I can't get anything serious started. This makes me feel anxious, as though I'm running behind and have to try and get caught up with myself, though why I feel that way is kind of a mystery and I think it is just free floating anxiety that I have to try and get over, if not by myself, then with the help of a pill. Yeah, that's a good idea. When anxious, take a pill.

No, really, when anxious, slow down and take a good look at everything and re-evaluate the whole situation and reconsider what you're getting anxious about and then try to find out if it's worth it. If any of these things that you are stressing about are the cause of your anxiety attack, then they need to be eliminated as quickly as possible from the list of causes and relegated to a lesser position of importance in your life. And you need to ask for help from people around you who can help you lighten whatever load you think you are carrying around with you. That's the way it works.

So, I need to get back to three basic things this week. My appointment with my SPN, my appointment with Social Services on Thursday, and getting the apartment cleaned up for J's visit this weekend. That's more then enough to worry about right now. That's about all I can handle, really. I worry about getting the apartment cleaned up. That always seems to be the hardest job and the one I have the most trouble with. Next week I'll mail the art project and start work on the story that I'm committed to write for an on line magazine. I'll tell you more about that soon.

There, that takes care of that.

For reasons that anyone is on a white bread diet, the dog is on a white bread diet right now, so I make him meat sandwiches with it. Luckily, he likes them very much if I hand feed him and it fills him up well enough. He is very satisfied afterwards and shows no interest whatsoever in his regular food, so I'll not feed him that for a while until things get back to normal. He had an accident in the living room last night and was very embarrassed about it. I did not make any big deal out of it but just cleaned it up. The poor dog can't help it. That's why I bought those loaves of bread on sale. They are always handy to have around. I just took him out a while ago and the problem hasn't resolved itself yet, so more sandwiches it is. I think it's because he ate something off the street and what it was is a mystery to me. It was gone in a flash. He is a scavenger. An opportunity eater.

I did end up taking two extra Oxazepams and they are working now and have quieted me down quite a bit, although I did of course organize my own head better before that. I appreciate the calm feeling I get from the pills and the fact that I don't have to fight my emotions as hard. It's like moving from a storm at sea into calm waters and I am so glad that I have the pills to take, although I do appreciate the fact that you have to solve the problem and not ignore it by taking pills that cover up your feelings. I think I've faced the problems and figured out what was wrong and got my head straight about that.

The one silver lining in the clouds is the visit from J. which I am looking forward to very much. Also because it is making me clean up the apartment, although I dislike doing it, but otherwise it wouldn't get done and I would sit in the mess forever. This visit from him is a great motivator to get it done and I will feel good about it afterwards. Since most of the mess is from the animals, I am seriously considering not having any animals again after these are gone. I think that 80% if not more of the cleaning that I do involves the messes from the animals, the dust, the dirt, the hair...I've never had such a hard time keeping a place clean. So, when these animals are gone, there will be no new animals to take their place. At the most, I will have one cat, if at all. I can't allow myself to get sentimental about it either. The fact is that I can't keep up with the housework and when I look at the dirt, I see it's from the animals.

Right, that's another decision made.

I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm getting my priorities in order. Both the present ones and the future ones. That's because I'm living less with my head in the clouds and more with both feet on the ground and am facing reality more and my own ability to deal with things. The truth is, that I have a limited stamina and a low threshold for stress and I must be careful not to take on too much responsibility yet unawares I do, because I don't pay attention to what I can handle. I get excited about things and attached or enthused without thinking about the longer term consequences for myself. And then I never get around to facing the reality of the situation and let myself get snowed under, all the while avoiding looking the issue straight in the face and acknowledging the problems I have with it.

I did say yesterday that I didn't want to get serious this week, but I can't make good on my promise. I have to get serious today. I found myself in a pickle and I had to talk myself through it and out of it. I feel much better now and able to face the things that require my immediate attention.

Laundry! That is it to start with and it's not raining, so it can dry outside. That's very appealing, although it's supposed to rain again tomorrow, oh, such doom sayers.

Right, I'll get to work then and start the job of getting things in order. I see some dirt I have to tackle on my knees, no less. I requires some scrubbing. And then there are all the dusty surfaces to wipe clean. Hurray!

Have a good day. I hope yours involves doing many fun things.

Ciao,
Nora

A good Friday!

What an understatement that is, it's gone so well up to now...

I just got back from downtown, where I sat at the outdoor café with Von and drank cappuccino and espresso and watched early autumn leaves drop from the tall trees that shade the square. It's too early in the season, but some of the leaves are changing color and dropping to the ground and the strong wind helped shake them off the lower branches.

In a way, it is a nice sight and not so awful. It makes you feel kind of warm and cozy inside, especially if your sitting there in a warm and cuddly jacket that your friend has just given you out of the blue. It has many buttons and is soft and fuzzy and has a hood, perfect for this coming season. I was very pleasantly surprised and after trying it on, kept it on all afternoon.

We had to do a lot of talking, because we had not seen each other in at least 3 weeks. That's a long time when you're best friends. So we talked up a storm, almost literally, because the wind kept picking up and playing around the square quite strongly. There were rain clouds in the sky, but we did not get rained on.

We walked to a big department store and checked out the creative department for a special pen that Von was looking for and I saw lots of neat stuff. I could have a real field day in there. There is so much to choose from and there are things there I had not even thought of.

We also went to the top floor, because I had to use the toilet, and there we saw some neat mugs with sayings on them, so we bought each other a mug. I bought Von a mug that says, "You are my cup of tea, " and she bought me one that says, "I miss you more than coffee." We exchanged them with a grin and a kiss after we had paid for them. They were wrapped up in tissue paper and a bag. It's so nice to buy someone something they are really going to use.

This morning at creative therapy, I got a big white canvas and a big black felt tip pen and the challenge to make a drawing. Of course, I had been thinking about it all week, so I knew what I was going to draw, but the canvas was much bigger than I expected, so I had to take in the scale of it and draw bigger than I thought I was going to. After I filled half the canvas, I got out some acrylic colors and started to paint, which was a lot of fun and gave me a good idea of what in the world I was doing.

Everything is going to need two coats of paint, which is alright, because I enjoy the painting process. It is a very serene activity. So far I've used burnt sienna and moss green. I'll give those two coats first before I go on with the rest and then Iĺl finish drawing.

While I was painting, it started to rain and it rained hard, which is what we really needed and everything got a good soaking. It was really nice and a little dark outside, so inside it was very cozy and bright. Luckily it stopped by the time I had to go home and walk the dog. Everything was very refreshed, though, and the skies were stormy looking and the wind was blowing hard. My short hair almost got blown off my head. It all blew to one side and when I got home, I had to fix it with wax. Push everything back into place.

The Exfactor stopped by on his way home from the library and had a cup of coffee and we had a minute chat while Jesker tried to get all the attention in all possible ways. We sat at the table and Jesker's too short to look on top of it to see if we have anything good to eat. He just assumes we do. You can imagine the rest. The cats jump on top of the table and make him quite jealous. He wishes he could do that too, but he can hardly stand on his hind legs.

When I went downtown, I had to ride my bike into the wind and it was a little hard sometimes. When I got to the bridge, it was too steep and too windy for me to get up there, so I had to get off my bike and walk it up. I was out of breath when I got to the top, but when I rode it down on the other side, I almost couldn't brake on time for someone on a scooter. All I could yell was, "Sorry!" I hope he heard me. He was probably thinking, "Darn middle aged women on their bikes!" I hope he thought I was middle aged and not old.

Well, now I have to go and walk the dog again. Duty calls me. So does the sunshine and the wind. I like stormy weather and I wouldn't mind some more rain after I get in.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

A New Hobby...

Frances said that I need to keep my promise to myself and start doing artsy things here at home like I said I would. I think that's an excellent idea, except for one small problem and that is that I ran out of money to buy the supplies with. Now I know there is a store real close to me where I can buy art supplies at a real cheap price, so I need to go over there and see what they have that I can use and price the items and add up how much money I need to try and save this month, Ha ha, I have to laugh just a little bit here, because I'm lucky if I make it to the end of the month.

This store is a discount store that sells everything at dump prices and it is always very crowded there and you never know what they have on sale. Some items they always have and I've been told that they always have art supplies. So if I find an unattended wallet in the street, and it has a lot of money in it, the money is mine. I'm so poor, that I can't afford to be honest.

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I started writing the above yesterday when I was really too tired to start a new post, but was being terribly bored, I thought. What I really needed to do, was go to bed and sleep, which is what I ended up doing and I slept late and the dog let me and is now sound asleep by my feet as if he doesn't need to go out for a walk. He has just eaten his breakfast and piddled out back. I guess that suffices for now, because he is snoring.

I have just taken my medicines, all except the tranquilizers. I only have about 5 pills left and haven't taken any since my overdose. I had talked to my psychiatrist about quiting the tranquilizers all together and he had said that it would take a year to get off them completely, because I took so many during the day. Now I seem to be able to do without them completely, or it must be that they are still in my system to some degree. Anyway, it will be a gradual build off and one of these days soon, there will be none of that substance left in my body. At least I will be off the tranquilizers then.

I seem to have lost the weather forecast bar and now I can't tell what the temperature is outside and what the weather is going to be like for the next 3 days. I was wrong about today. It isn't going to be cool and rainy at all. That is for tomorrow. Today it is going to be hot again, meaning a minimum amount of clothing. Hurricane Bill is going to weaken as it travels across the Atlantic and reach us as a low pressure system. We won't have the horrible storms that the people on the East Coast and Canada are having. Thank goodness for that.

I must do a little bit of housecleaning today. Yesterday I did two loads of laundry and dried some of it outside on the clothes line. Today I must remember to water the plants, as the fig plant looks especially needy. I also must sweep the floors and mop the kitchen floor where I spilled coffee all over the place. That was when I was quite uncoordinated. That means I have to get the mop out of the closet where the mouse lives and I hope I don't see him or disturb him in any way. I will not scream, but be highly uncomfortable.

All morning long the church bells have been ringing and I'm trying to make some sense of it, but I can't figure it out. They ring a quarter before the hour, but then they also ring at different times, so go figure. I do like the sound of them, but wish I knew more about their predictability. I suppose I need to talk to a real live Catholic, which should not be hard to do around here.

Well, I need to check my bank account balance. Luckily, I have no nasty mail to open, just one bill to pay on line. I will not get a panic attack now anyway, I hope.

Have a good Sunday. The name is very apt today.

Ciao...

Idleness...

My friend Gail says she is stuck to her computer chair with Velcro and that she so dislikes the sound of it coming undone that she doesn't move at all. So you see I'm not the only one who is very attached to her PC, and I have it from good sources that there are more of us. Given the choice between doing dull household chores or blogging, the last one wins hands down.

I fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV last night, although that was not at all in the planning, and when I woke up, I immediately moved my area of operation to the bedroom, where I slept until the alarm clock went off at 7 am. I wanted to ignore it, but it is very insistent and I stumbled out of bed, trying to not step on the dog who was laying there oblivious of everything.

My first cup of coffee was too cold, because I had poured in too much milk straight from the refrigerator, but I drank it anyway. It was caffeine, after all. My second cup of coffee was better. At first I thought there was something wrong with the Senseo machine and I envisioned a future without coffee in it and having to drink only tea, but luckily I was spared that. Although I don't dislike tea at all. I just don't know if it will wake me up in the morning.

I was staying with people once who only drank decaf, but I didn't know that, and I wondered why I had such a hard time getting my act together in the morning and why I was hanging all over the furniture like a wrung out dishcloth.

I took the dog for a long walk yesterday evening. We walked in streets that we had never been in before and he enjoyed it very much, anticipating at each corner where we would go. He did very well and it is so easy to make a dog happy. Just give him a new environment and he is full of curiosity. We made a big circle outside our usual territory and when we got back to familiar terrain, he knew just when to cross the street to get back on his regular route.

He was worn out when we got home, but after about 15 minutes he wanted to eat and barked at the cats to keep them away from his bowl while I filled it. He is so assertive! His appetite is very good lately and he eats with a great deal of hunger until his bowl is completely empty. He leaves nothing for the cats to their great dismay. He handled the distance just fine, though, and wasn't shaking on his legs like he sometimes does, so that is encouraging.

Today is housecleaning day and go to the tobacco shop day. I'm slightly discouraged about the house cleaning. Somehow I'm not really in the mood for it. I know I have to do it, but it is such a unpleasant activity that not one bone in my body is getting excited about it. I think if I dust and vacuum first, that will make a great deal of difference and it won't make me feel like I'm up against an impossible job. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew that tomorrow it would still be as clean and I wouldn't have to do it all over again.

Oh shoot, I'm suffering from the housewife blues and that is not allowable. I have to get over that in the shortest amount of time possible. The best thing to do is to dig right in and to not think about it too much. Too much thought spent ahead of time only makes it worse. I think I will eat something first and then get the show on the road. It's easier to work on a full stomach.

Have a terrific day. We're partly cloudy here.

Ciao...

Trying to think of a title...

It's very early in the morning, but I slept on the sofa all of last evening and then went to bed and slept well there. As is usual when my mood changes, I needed to sleep on the spot, and I slept through the 8 pm news and the 10 pm news, so I have no idea what is happening in the country. This may not be as terrible as it sounds and if I watch the news tonight I should be all caught up again. There's been no coup d'etat and no revolution has broken out or I would have heard about it probably, because it's a small country and news travels fast.

As usual, things look less dire in the morning, but I'm not jubilating the new day. I find myself getting irritated that the cigarette that I just lighted is smoked already and that my mug of coffee is empty again. It seems to me these things should last longer and I should enjoy them more. I feel a terrible desire to eat many cookies or many chocolates, but will stick to healthy yogurt instead and actually wish I had chocolate pudding.

I find that the moment I get depressed, I want to eat carbohydrates and sweets and I'm glad that the supermarket is just far enough away not to give in to each craving. If it were within walking distance, I would be spending my last cash there.

So, today is Friday and if the weather co-operates I will meet my friend Von on the terrace of Café Charlemagne on the Our Dear Lady Square, but we've already said we're meeting no matter what the weather, because it's been at least three weeks since we last saw each other, but I sure hope it's not going to be raining as is predicted, because you know how it messes up your hair. I may take the bus.

Today is Jesker's big day at the vet too and he's not allowed to eat anything today, which is going to be tough. I'm going to have to deny him his treat after we walk and it will confuse him.

Oh shoot, I am continually leaning to the left again and then wondering why I can't see the keyboard properly. Well, it's a well known phenomenon now that also happens with a downward mood. I lean to the left when I don't feel well.

I'm going to put this baby to bed now as I don't have anything exciting to tell you. Hopefully there will be some later today.

Ciao...