Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A quiet day...
I had a very hefty reaction to my medication this morning. I felt extremely angry for a while and was worried about myself and what I would do with it and what it would do with me. I decided to go back to bed and sleep until it was over and that is the best decision I could have made. When I finally got up, my feelings were closer to normal, although I feel fragile, but at least I don't feel the large amount of anger anymore. I do feel weepy eyed and emotional and anything at all can start me of crying. I suppose I'm going through the whole spectrum of emotions.
Because I went back to bed early, and didn't wake up until after the fact, I missed my appointment at the SPC. I called over there and talked to my contact person to explain to her what had happened, but she told me that I was out of circulation now and that if I wanted a place in the creative classes, I would have to start the application process all over again. She had informed my SPN and sent back the official application this morning before she had talked to me. This hit me a bit hard, but I guess it is my own fault. It made me cry and I felt stupid. It made me feel sad more than anything for things not working out. For fear of failure, I will not start the application process again.
The Exfactor was here and in a weak moment I told him that I missed him, because I really do. I miss the camaraderie and the conversations and the intimacy. He told me that lately he had noticed that, but he thought it was because I was generally a lonely person. That makes me cry too, although I did not cry in front of him. I was as cool as a cucumber. I don't want to come across as a desperate woman who is needy. I guess in the back of my head I always think he will come back when he's done with whatever he needs to do now. It makes me cry now, because I want to keep my illusions intact.
I guess because of the medications I took, I lived under illusions for a long time. I mean I didn't face up to a lot of things. They were all buried in the fog of the side effects of the pills. Now that I don't take those pills anymore, or take less of them, a lot of things come to the surface. Realities and feelings, and not all of it is pretty. Some of it is downright painful and ugly, but I guess if you've loved someone for a long time, it is hard to stop loving them and that's what I'm faced with. I'm not interested in other men, because I'm only interested in one man.
Look and see what confessions people make on their personal blog. As if it is a secret diary. It feels good to "talk" about it, though. It feels good to air my heart. This way I don't have to walk around with it all by myself. You never know what people walk around with, what sort of feelings and wishes they have, what they long for. Life sometimes really is like a country & western song. "He done me wrong and broke my heart, but I kept on lovin' him."