Running in a lower gear...

I'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night. For some reason I am more tired and sleepy. It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it. He had to go out back, of course. 

At least he doesn't have any accidents inside anymore. There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning. He no longer fouls his own nest. Thank goodness for small favors. 

I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat, though I'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do.I guess this is not my lucky night. I mustn't despair, though. I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet. Anything is still possible. 

I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things. Even more so than during the daytime. You'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then. Now I´m sitting here yawning. 

I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world, but that´s just very personally speaking.

It doesn´t take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick. The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones. He is sending her to a gastroenterologist. 

I do worry about her and I think this news, that I got today, weighs heavy on my mind. I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it, although I had my doubts. I think she did too.

Now that I shared this with you, I feel a little bit lighter. I had not realized how much this was bothering me. I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible. I want to spoil her as much as I can. That speaks for itself, of course. 

At least I know now why I don´t have my usual get up and go. I can take that into account. I must cheer up and be more lively. It will not do to be down in the dumps. It doesn´t help anyone. 

Right, I will now pour myself a glass of ice cold milk and pull myself up by my socks. And I do have some sleeping left to do. I will take care of that also.

Ciao,

Irene

Still crazy after all these years...

Because I must be fighting a virus, I take naps at every opportunity in my armchair and on the sofa. They happen quite spontaneously and are completely unplanned. I just drift off on the spot and wake up in the most uncomfortable positions. But I'm always more alert and refreshed than I was beforehand so apparently I need them. My headache is a bit better today, but I'm still taking the paracetamol and it's helping a lot.

The bedroom furniture was delivered this afternoon in not too many individual packages so it looks like it's not going to be that much work to put it together. That is a bit of a relief. I had been a bit concerned about that because I have to ask the Exfactor to help me put it together. Although he is very handy, I don't want it to be too complicated. I want the whole business to go as easy as possible. I don't want fixing up the spare bedroom to become a frustrating experience.

I'm very thisty and am drinking one glass of ice cold milk after the other. It's like I can't get enough of it, although they're bloating my stomach. I so very much feel like having very cold things to drink. I don't have any ice cubes or I would make cold lemonade, although that is a little bit too sweet. My older sister and I are both hooked on cold milk. We seem to love dairy products, pudding, yogurt, buttermilk. The last one would taste very good right now. I do like the sour taste of it.

I've not done any interesting things today, but I think I can be excused. Getting through the day without too much of a headache is enough of an achievement. I thought I was rather down when I started the day, but it was probably because of not feeling well and needing to sleep. A physical ailment can make you feel down too. 

I feel that I'm all done rapid cycling. I don't get halleluja moods anymore. I'm glad about that. I know myself better this way. I'm on familiar grounds now.

I hope you're all having a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

For better or worse...

Through the course of the day yesterday, the bug I had moved from my throat and my chest to my stomach and my belly. In other words, it made its rounds. I felt the worst in the afternoon when I laid down in bed and had a fitful sleep and stomach spasms. I was aware of feeling very sick and making it a point to try and not wake up and consciously experience it. 

That did get me through the bad part, although I had the chills for the rest of the day into the evening. Now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I think the worst of it is over. I don't nearly have the aches and pains in my body that I had and my head feels more normal too. It doesn't feel in a sick state anymore. 

It must have been a 24 hour bug and I should be fine in the morning. I told you that I never do get properly sick like other people do for days on end. I get being sick over and done within the shortest amount of time. 

Except for the bother of the aches and pains, it was very boring to be sick and I hope I don't have to repeat it any time soon. You can't do any of the things that you regularly do and on top of everything, I missed my appointment with my therapist. Food and drink don't taste very good either and are no diversion. At the end of the day I ate some crackers, but that was it. 

I crave a milkshake, but I'm having some ice cold milk instead. I wasn't able to drink that yesterday. It's a good sign that I can drink it now without my stomach protesting.

I've got to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I look forward to being a healthy person again the morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Meanderings...

I'm ever so cozily sat here in the semi darkness with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in my warm red bathrobe. It isn't really chilly in here, but I pretend it is the middle of the winter and that I have to guard myself against the arctic cold. I haven't even got the heater on, but I'm wearing my socks. It's like I'm having a big old adventure all by myself in the middle of the night. A person does have to use her fantasy on occasion and make life more interesting than it is. 

Luckily, there isn't a huge snowstorm raging outside because in reality that would not make me happy at all. I'm sure I'm not ready for it. It's okay to imagine it, but to actually have to deal with it is another matter. It's very mild outside and has been for the time of year. Actually, we're having a bit of a drought and the water level in the rivers is low. We haven't had enough rain over the last weeks and for the next little while, there is no rain in the forecast.

It's been a pleasure to take the dog out for walks as I haven't had to dress really warm. There's been sunshine every day, although it's not all that strong. There's no wind to speak of, so that makes it very pleasant. The dog is oblivious of the weather and his fur is growing back in. Before it gets really cold, he should be warm enough again. He hasn't been doing any shivering lately.

He does gallivant around and keeps me in shape. We walk at a steady pace along familiar grounds and make our regular stops. I find this is better than taking a new route. A new route means nothing but non stop sniffing and raising his leg and we never get anywhere. It takes us forever to get home again. I have to be endlessly patient and wait while he minutely investigates every unexplored spot. You can imagine there are many when you are on new terrain. 

I'm a bit bronchial and have been coughing. This has caused me to have inflammation of the cartilage where my ribs meet my sternum. It's on the left side and hurts when I breathe and cough and use my left arm. I didn't have to go to the doctor to get this diagnosis as I have had this before. I'm taking Ibuprofen for it and hope to get some relief that way. There's not much else that can be done for it. Yes, cortisone shots, but I'm not much in the mood for them.

The glass is always half full and my right side doesn't hurt, so that is good. I can take cough medicine and may even have some in the kitchen cabinet. I'll have to have a look. There's an herbal one that works well and I may have some of that. I can also get some A. Vogel Echinaforce as that's supposed to be good for your resistance and there's probably some good cough medicine from that brand too. I will ask the Exfactor to get me some. A. Vogel has a good reputation. The medicines are made from plant and herbal extracts and are available in a good drugstore. 

The night does move on and it's time to go to bed again. It's the lure of my new duvet that makes it such a pleasure to want to go. Besides, I'm slightly sick and do need my sleep. It's only smart if I go back to bed now. It's tough to be sensible, but somebody has to be. 

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

It's taken me four cups of coffee to become somewhat cohesive, but even now I could go back to bed and immediately fall asleep again. I will do so shortly when I'm done being a stubborn woman. I can only sit here with my eyes falling shut for so long.

There's no evidence this morning of the cold I was developing yesterday.  I took an aspirin with codeine for the symptoms during the night and that seems to have taken care of it. I feel a lot better at any rate. 

Since I have no personal helper coming here anymore on Wednesdays early in the morning, I can do as I please and take it easy. I don't have to be dressed and ready in a short time. I'm relieved about this and glad that I can schedule my morning as I see fit. The rest of the day is mine to do with as I wish too. 

I just took my medicines and should be feeling fit as a fiddle in no time.What little I take does still does its job, of course. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow when we will assess how everything is going and make a decision about the next reduction. 

I thought I was feeling mentally low yesterday, but it was really due to the cold that I was developing. I was not feeling well physically. I notice the difference between today and yesterday now that I'm feeling physically better.

I'm having a glass of cold milk now. It's settling in my stomach very well. It's always the most soothing thing I can drink. I think that's why I'm so hooked on it and it is filling too. I love it first thing in the morning after I've had my coffee to wake up with. 

I'm going back to bed now and sleep for a few more hours. It will be a true pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Under the weather...

I'm sitting here in the late afternoon with my second cup of coffee. I am enjoying it very much. It is hot and tasty and freshly made. While I am writing this. I also have to throw the rubber ball with the bell in it for Tyke, so I'm doing double duty.  It was stuck beneath the sofa, so I had to get it out from underneath first with the help of the African walking stick. It is his favorite ball now and he completely ignores his tennis balls. 

Today we got a pulling rope with a latex tennis ball attached to it in the mail. You can all guess what happened to the tennis ball in the shortest amount of time, right? He was tearing that apart within no time. I had to cut the rest of it off before he swallowed all of it. Luckily, we still have the pulling rope and it seems to be pretty sturdy. I think it will last a while. Fingers crossed. 

I may or may not be coming down with something. I have just a bit of a sore throat and a cough and a headache and I was especially tired today and spent a lot of it sleeping. As a matter of fact, I'm still in my bathrobe and pajamas and have no desire to get dressed. I have sore muscles and I'm tired. I have been around a lot of people who were or are sick, so it wouldn't surprise me if I picked something up. I rarely get ill, though, and I bet I'll be over this in no time. I'm a pretty sturdy woman. I'll take some aspirin and be as good as new in the shortest amount of time. 

It snowed a little bit this morning, but we're not expecting any more now. Tomorrow it's going to rain and on Sunday as well. Things will turn into a nice slush and be drabby. After we had all that snow yesterday that coated all the ice, I'm almost sorry to see it go, but it will be nice to have clean streets and sidewalks for as long as it lasts. Who knows what the winter will bring us? I hope this was it for now, but I'm afraid to be hopeful. I remember last year very well with the seemingly endless cold and snow. 

I was playing ball with Tyke, but he just rediscovered his pulling rope, so he's forgotten all about me and the ball. That means I can sit and concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't know if it will make any difference as to the quality of my writing. I think the distraction may have been good for me. At least it prevented me from daydreaming. I must not fall into reveries now... 

Well, he let me play tug of war with him very reluctantly. It's his rope and I better remember that. 

These are the boots I ordered with the profiled soles. They are from Scapino, but they look like Ugg boots and they are lined also. I expect them to be pretty comfortable. I hope they withstand the test on the ice, that's the most important thing, but if they are warm also, then that would be good too. I don't have any warm boots. I can already see myself walking in these like a Laplander, ready to go get my reindeer.  I wish my sheepskin coat matched them in color, but I have no such luck, drats. Now I must save up my money to buy such a coat.

That puts me on a whole new train of thought. Those of winter coats and how to get the best one and when to buy one. I must put some thought into this. Mmm...

I do get ideas into my head that get stuck there and that are hard to get rid of once they do. I do fixate on things. I will be looking for the coat I want everywhere now. As if I can afford it, right? I would probably have to steal it and I'm too honest for that. I couldn't get away with it. Darn.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Don´t complain!

I´m having withdrawal symptoms again. At least I assume that´s what they are. My life is quickly falling apart and my emotions are in an uproar. I´m trying to stay sane and rational and not intimidated by what is happening to me. The hardest part is going through this alone, because I so very much would like someone´s shoulder to cry on. I guess that´s what I want to do more than anything, is cry and cry and not be brave at all like I feel I have been this past week.

A lot of times I act as if everything is okay when really it isn´t, I don´t know if you can tell that. I keep being cheerful when I don´t really feel cheerful at all. I´ve been worried about my medication this past week, if I´m taking too much of some or too little of the other and I don´t really trust my psychiatrist to know that. I think he made a blunder this week and that has caused a dent in my confidence in him.

I´ve been feeling awfully tired these past days, although I have been out and about in the fresh air. I thought springtime would give me lots of energy, but I´m not having any. The time I feel best is late at night again, when it is dark out and the world is quiet and silent and at rest. That´s new, after sleeping so well for two weeks. I wish I could always be a night person and only marginally participate during the day. Unfortunately, I have to take my nighttime medicines and they do drive me to bed at a certain hour. It´s all medicine I hope to do without some day.

Maybe this is not withdrawal, maybe this is just a plain old case of unhappiness and disappointment for not having the road that I travel be as smooth as I had anticipated and for feeling very lonely in the whole process. I always think that everything should be a nonstop upward movement, but for some reason it doesn´t work that way and you climb the hill and roll down it before you get up and start climbing it again. I don´t know why this is so and why this is necessary. Somebody will have to explain that process to me in logical terms. This really mystifies me. It seems to work that way for everything, even when you think it ought not to, when it is pure science, although when applied to people it never is.

The problem is, that I´ve come to see my emotions as pathologically wrong and put labels on them, instead of just seeing them as emotions that all people have. I have decided not to do that anymore and, for instance, never to use the term hypo-mania again to describe an excited mood that I may find myself in. That way it´s not a psychiatric condition and it doesn´t need a medication to be cured, because a mood like that usually clears up by itself and for all I know I´m doing something that millions of people around the world do every day spontaneously. I mustn´t mistake happiness and excitement for an illness and allow it to be killed by drugs, so that I will be mentally straight jacketed and subdued.

I´m feeling better for having written this down and knowing that it will have a few readers who will hopefully understand. It takes a diversity of people to make the world go round and if we medicate everybody who falls outside the norm, we´ll have a lot of drugged up people. Cure the part that hurts and leave the rest alone.

Ciao,
Nora

Choices...

I took Jesker to the vet this afternoon, because his diarrhea is back in full force. The vet was sad to see him again. Because Jesker was not so bloated this time and because he had lost a lot of weight, the vet was able to examine him well and found a tumor the size of a fist in his stomach cavity. It's bad news. He is giving hum an antibiotic cure for ten days to see if it will cure the diarrhea. If so, we wait and see what happens next, although it will probably return. If the antibiotics don't work, I have to make the final decision. The one where I say, it has been enough and I have the vet put him to sleep. This is the fourth time in 3 months time that he has bad diarrhea and it is getting worse every time. Sometimes it's only liquid that comes out. His intestines are starting to stick to the tumor.

I'm taking this very hard, but somehow am amazingly calm about it. I realize that whatever time I have with Jesker now, has to be quality time and I have to make sure that I bond with him as much as I can, while I can.

I, on the other hand, am as fit as a fiddle. Contrary to what the nurse of my GP had me believe, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there was really no reason at all for me to go in and see him this afternoon. One of the values of my thyroid hormones was high, but that is only a concern if another value had been high also and that is not the case, so it is functioning just fine. All the other results came back normal. I do not have an infection, or cancer, or a liver dysfunction, or anemia. Everything is perfectly fine. It is with a great deal of relief that I heard this, especially after hearing Jesker's bad news.

So, whatever is going on with me, is purely psychological and must be found in my emotional functioning or malfunctioning. Well, I am a rapid cycling manic depressive, so I go through these extremes of moods and it seems that the medicines I take don't prevent it from happening. Therefor I am seriously beginning to question the use of some of my medications and want to discuss with my psychiatrist the continuation of them. It seems I am no better of with them and may be even worse of in the long run. I don't see myself taking these huge doses of medicines for the rest of my life. Some changes need to be made.

It just snowed very hard for about an hour, so we have a new layer of snow, which will hopefully melt tomorrow when it is supposed to be 4C and raining. I have an appointment with my SPN at 10 am and I do intend to keep it. I'm bound and determined to go. I will walk there.

I rediscovered my long black cardigan that's very warm and that has a collar and two buttons at the front. I'm wearing it over a stretch T-shirt and my Turkish pants. I'm also wearing my red necklace with it. I look very decent.

Someone asked me when I'm going to get rid of my toad picture that's my blog template right now. I guess it is time for me to find another one. You know, I'll gladly do it, if I can find something else that's equally good. I'll have a good look around and see what I can come up with. For those of you who don't like change, you are allowed to raise your voice in protest. It may fall on deaf ears, though.

I act very tough now, but I'm not in the least. When the time comes, things will be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to live through it yet.

Have a good evening.

Ciao!

This morning...

I'm feeling less like a hypochondriac this morning and more like a regular person who probably just is fighting a little infection. All of your comments have shaken some common sense into me and it is what I needed. I do have an imagination that will go on the run with me, which is fine when you are writing works of fiction or creating art, but in real life it doesn't do you much good. It is much better to keep both feet firmly planted on the ground and stay in the moment and not imagine all sorts of far fetched scenarios.

Now, as you can see, I'm not at the grocery store, but still sitting here in my pajamas and having my coffee and cigarettes. It's awfully tough to get dressed in the morning when there is no one here to shout at you that you ought to get the show on the road. Actually, I will have to get that show on the road in about an hour, because I have an appointment with the hairdresser. I decided yesterday that I couldn't do a thing with my hair that looked halfway good and that it needed to be cut shorter. So, in a while I get to have the pleasure of someone washing my hair and fiddling with it, which I always very much enjoy. I do like going to the hairdresser. I would go once a week, if my hair grew that fast.

In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of my spare time between getting up and going there by answering my emails and directing the animals to the correct bowls of food. The cats are trying to eat the dog's food and he is letting them and no amount of interference on my part is making any difference. I chase them away and they keep coming back and the dog does nothing. He just lies there and watches them do it. He has no sense of ownership this morning. It has completely deserted him. Luckily, the cats have little stomachs and are quickly filled up and there's more than enough left for the dog.

I'm actually not too worried about doing the groceries, because I will be wearing my new boots and sporting a new haircut when I go and somehow that gives me courage. Isn't that funny? As if I will be a smarter and better person because of that. It's all in the image, people. I suppose I think it's what I show on the outside what counts. I'm sure I judge people the same way myself, although I'm not consciously aware of it. I must make all sorts of assumptions about how someone looks. It's very middle class of me. I told you before, I think, that I'm a little bit bourgeois, it runs in the family and it has for generations. That song of Jacques Brell would be very appropriate for my ancestors.

It's only 3C outside so it's actually a bit on the cold side. I don't know how much I like that, because it's also supposed to rain today. Most likely the wind will blow also and that will mean that it will be the kind of weather I like least of all. At least I will have the proper hairdo for it, indestructible. It's the only kind of hair to have in this climate, either very short or long in a pony tail. You can't have a Grace Kelly hairdo.

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. He is patiently waiting for me. I will finish this when I get back from the hairdresser...



...I'm back from the hairdresser with a very good haircut. A new girl cut my hair, so it was a bit nerve wrecking in that I didn't know if she would follow my instructions well, but she did and cut it just the way I told her to and she did a very good job. So I am satisfied. Now I am exhausted and feel like taking a nap, as if going to the hairdresser has been a major job that I took on, when really it was nothing at all. Still, I feel very sleepy and I think I need to go lie down for a nap. I will have to do the groceries later after I wake up.

I did a food test on a vitamin website the other day and it analyzed my food intake and what vitamins and minerals I was short on. I was short on vitamins B and D and on iron. A special food supplement providing these elements is on its way to me now and I'm expecting it today. With my luck it will get here just as I'm sound asleep on the sofa and it won't fit through the mailbox slot. That will mean that somebody will ring the doorbell. Oh no!

I'm going to sleep now. Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora