Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

What I said I was...

What I claimed earlier was merely a suppressed and contemplative mood, actually turned into a major funk this afternoon after I had gotten up from my morning sleep. Suddenly I was not so confident about my own peace of mind anymore and appreciative of the silence and I felt oppressed by my feelings that all came crowding in, shouting at me all at once for equal attention. I had trouble pushing them away from me and became nervous and unsettled and had little anxious sounding melodies running through my head to keep my mind going in some kind of rhythm. My right leg was shaking quickly to the beat, as I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes while I sat on the sofa, trying not to be intimidated by the rest of the day.

What was so oppressive about it? Why did it suddenly loom so large and why did I suddenly feel so incapable? I started to name to myself the things I thought I ought to do and I numbered them in order of importance and then made a decision about whether or not they really were so important and if they were worth worrying about so much. I came to the conclusion that nothing very much was worth having a little nervous breakdown about and that I had to go about things in a logical manner.

I called my friend Lucienne to have someone to talk to about nothing important at all. Purely as a distraction from my own mind and not to discuss worries with. That put me in a different frame of mind. Then I decided to get dressed and walk the dog, even though I was trying to get out of it and I didn't want to go and he wasn't asking for it. I made myself do it and do the longer walk, even though for me the shorter walk would have sufficed. I needed to do the longer walk, because I was chickening out of doing things, it was that kind of day.

When I got back, I very reluctantly checked my bank account balance and saw that all was well and paid some bills. That made me feel better and I'm glad I didn't put if off any longer. That was preceded with opening what looked like was going to be a big bill that I would have to pay all at once, but that is going to be written off my bank account in 5 easy installments. So that was a bit of luck today. I do try to see the glass half full.

So slowly, by doing these things, I'm getting more of a grip on myself again and I don't feel so anxious anymore. Where before I briefly felt despair, I now feel some amount off calmness and I am not nervous anymore. Although you can ask yourself to what degree I subconsciously am nervous all the time and how much stress I generally walk around with that I keep suppressed as much as possible, but that is there beneath the surface all the time. I may seem like a mellow person, but I think deep down inside I'm not. I hold the reigns very tightly. I'm a typical Virgo when it comes down to it.

Now I'm feeling very tired and I think I will go lie down for a while, though I hate to upset my equilibrium. It's hard nowadays to figure out what to do, what the right thing is. I think a nap may be just the right thing, though.

Ciao.
Nora

Made it!

Knowing what I know now about my sleeping pattern, I managed to sleep from 10 o'clock last night until 6:30 this morning. I did wake up three times during the night, but forced myself to go back to sleep until I thought I had slept a decent enough time. Each time I woke up, I stood beside my bed, but managed to get back into it, even when I was having night sweats. I don't know if I'm done sleeping now, time will tell. It is possible that I'll still find myself napping on the sofa, but at least I had a fairly good night's sleep. Each time I woke up, it only took me a minute to get back to sleep. I probably could have slept longer this morning, but I thought it was a good time to get up and that I had slept long enough. I'll try to sleep longer tomorrow. I will make it a sport to see how long I can sleep in the morning, while still going to bed at a decent time at night. It will be a challenge.

Sometimes it's good to pay attention to the things that lie hidden in your subconscious. It takes a little bit of work and a little bit of reasoning, but after some deep analysis you can sometimes get to the root of the problem if you allow yourself to look at unpleasant memories and facts that you're hiding from. And then you say to yourself, "If it looks like a horse and it acts like a horse, it must be a horse." I'm very good in denying myself some obvious reasons for why some things in my life don't go smoothly, because I only look at them on the surface and not deep down, three dimensionally. I think therapy doesn't help me get there either, because nobody knows how deep to dig and how safe that is. It's up to me to do that work.

I always have major breakdowns on the anniversary of my son's death, but each time they take me by surprise, because each time I don't make the link and deny myself the pain that I feel about it and how traumatized I really am. So, I look for other reasons for why I'm falling apart and it isn't until days later that I realize what's really happened and why I felt the way I did. That's how very much I don't look beneath the surface so many times. It's obvious that the most traumatic events are the ones that are going to impact you the most for the rest of your life, yet we don't calculate them into our reactions to certain moments and important times and days or the subconscious memories we're having that are triggered by something or someone around us.

I must remember that I'm wounded and that those wounds aren't healed. I don't have scar tissue. I have wounds. And there are always moments and days and periods when those wounds hurt like hell. If I deny that, I will have breakdowns that take me by surprise every time, or other problems that seem unsolvable.

Well, that's it for my psychological insights for today. I don't want to completely get bogged down in them. There are other things in life too. Like this delicious glass of juice I'm drinking, because I was so very thirsty.

It's going to be 5C today and it's going to rain and hopefully that means that all that ice in the streets and on the sidewalks will disappear. I can't wait for it to happen. I hope it just comes pouring down. At the moment the sun is shining, though, and it is 0C. I haven't walked the dog yet, so I have no idea how the sunshine feels today, but I will go out there shortly and get a taste of it before it's all gone. The dog did an enormously long piddle out back, so I have time.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and kept me company for a while. I was feeling a little bit lonely and asked him to stay for a while and I discussed some of my theories with him. He's a good enough listener, although he's not as good as a licensed psychologist. He does his best, though, and it does feel good to talk about some things. To get them off my chest when there is no one else to discuss them with. His collarbone is all healed and he can ride his motorcycle again, much to his relief. He even went to the tobacconist for me to get my weekly supply, which saved me a trip over there on the icy sidewalks. He has to park his motorcycle at the beginning of my street, as it is to icy to ride here. The main roads are clear of ice and snow.

Well, I'm going to take the dog for a walk while it is still nice out. No doubt he'll appreciate that, although he's gone back asleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I guess he isn't in any sort of hurry at all.

I hope you all have a nice day. I'll wish for all your snow to be gone, or do you like it?

Ciao,
Nora

Today...

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. Every time I see him, he teaches me something about myself in a parable. He tells it in such a way, that it is completely understandable to me and that makes it really sink in and leaves me wiser when I walk out the door. He is like a wise guru and I am his student and every time I see him, I have to learn a lesson.

It was very fortunate that I had an appointment with him today, because today of all days I needed it very much. I started off my day with a huge panic attack that would not end and I thought it was going to drive me around the bend and I feared for my sanity.

The reason for my panic attack was that I had received two big bills from two different companies that I was in dispute over and I had to make some phone calls about them and I knew I was not going to be treated nicely and that I was not going to have the winning hand, and the more I thought about it, the more precarious my situation seemed to me.

I tried to call my SPN, but could not get a hold of her, and as a matter of fact, she did not call me back until just now, when the whole thing is behind me. I took an extra tranquilizer on top of the ones I normally take, but nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, until I finally sought my refuge in self damage and that worked, and after I had taken care of the wound and dressed it, I was able to make the phone calls with no good results for me. All I got was a stay of execution to try and get the money together.

They are playing an unfair game and I am the victim of it, but they've got me by the balls and are threatening with fines and collection agencies, and I can't prove my right, no matter what I say.

Anyway. What I had was a nervous breakdown and at one point I was crying and the dog was so confused and didn't know what to do. It was all just awful, but now it is all behind me and I have done what I could and I got to discuss my reaction and my behavior with my psychiatrist.

I don't know where I was on the crazy scale. I think way off the top, probably.

I'm not happy discussing this with you, but I feel it must be said. The fact is, I'm just an unhappy camper right now and I guess that's not so strange after today. I have to live with the results of it.

It is so hot in here and I finally got smart enough to open both the kitchen window and the back door and now I've got a decent draft going that's very refreshing. I've got the blinds closed of the living room windows, so the sun won't shine in them so much. It does make me feel cooped up, but it's worth it.

Jesker is eating his evening meal after barking very loudly to let us all know that it was time for it and nobody better touch it. Now he is doing his after dinner exercises, which means rolling on the ground and rubbing his nose on the area carpet. Gandhi is very disappointed, because there were no leftovers. She is laying on the ground like the Queen of Sheba, being very regal and aloof and oh, so untouchable. She knows she's very pretty. Toby is outside in the flowerbed under the winter blooming jasmine. He's decided that's his place to observe things and be king of the mountain off.

I'm the Queen of the dramas and the ever changing moods. Don't throw anything complicated my way, please. I'll make a bet with you that I can't handle it gracefully, though I am supposed to learn. See what a difference there is between me yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my SPN and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. The bandage is very hot around my arm and the wound hurts, I think I'll take some paracetamol.

That's all I have to share with you today. A lot of confusion. It's tough being a grown up. I think sometimes I'm not quite ready for it.

Ciao...