Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sleep indeed...

I slept all night last night, just like an ordinary person, I swear to God. It was an amazing experience after not having done so for about a week. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up at a decent time after having had a few significant dreams that I was rather pleased with. Dreams that normally have lots of frustration in them, but that now had satisfying endings. They point me emotionally in a whole new direction and remind me of some of my rights and desires and my own power as a human being. It is possible to swim and not drown in life's complications. It may even turn out to be a warm tropical sea in which you will float. I don't mean to speak in mysteries, but they are realities to me.

I woke up with some time to spare before I had to go to my SPN. I drank coffee and answered my emails. Then I got dressed and walked Tyke. We met a woman with two French bulldogs and much sniffing and snorting went on before all the dogs were happy. The bulldogs snorted, of course, with their flattened noses. Tyke likes these encounters very much and is as happy as a toddler in the zoo. He just can't get enough of it and I literally have to pull him away with all my might. He longingly looks back at his departing friends and really wants to follow them home.

My SPN pointed out to me, that my grievances may actually be real and that I should not just dismiss them as being a product of the absence of enough medication in my system, although she did say that this possibly aggravates it. We looked at one situation in particular and found that it had a real basis and that it was not something I imagined to be true. I do have a real grievance, it is based on something and I have every right to be upset about it and to want to correct it. It's just how I go about it that makes the difference. That's the important part. I feel that I have to be very careful about that and not burn any bridges behind me and I think I could easily have done that yesterday, because my tone would have been very accusatory and nasty. I can't have that. I do want to stay rational and calm. It's the best way to achieve what I want.

The Exfactor was supposed to be here and I just called him to find out where he was and he told me he's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. I'm slightly p*ssed off about this, because I would have waited in vain and he would not have called me. Besides, I think it's rude to say you're going to be here and then decide not to show up. I did count on it and have been waiting since 11 am when I rushed home from my appointment. I think he does insist on leeway a little too much.

I've walked Tyke again and he was his same predictable stubborn self who insisted on being ornery in all the same places. I can pinpoint ahead of time where that is going to be and I'm waiting for him to get over it. Sooner or later he must catch on to the fact that I'm not going to give in to him and that we are not going in that direction and that we are going to move on and that we aren't going to walk around those trees. He did finally get his way and ate the bread that the ducks didn't eat and he acted like it was something incredibly special. Like I had starved him for days. He's got a very tough life here.

The day has been mostly sunny, although there are clouds in the sky and it isn't all that warm. We are just pretending it's warm and everybody is out with bare arms and bare legs, even the mailman. Let it not be said that we aren't optimists. It would be nice to sit out on a cafe terrace now and have a cold beer, though a glass of white wine would do nicely too. You do need someone to sit with, though, and the only person I can think of is my friend Yvonne. Everybody else is unavailable. My sister is in Italy and my friend Lucienne is in Spain. Besides, it's too late in the afternoon to make plans. I should have thought of it earlier. Oh no, I thought the Exfactor was coming.

At least I haven't felt the need for a nap and that is a bonus point. It will probably mean that I will sleep well tonight. I will read my thriller this afternoon. I tried to read it in bed last night, but fell asleep with it quickly. I had enough sense to put it under my pillow and turn off the light, although Tyke hasn't been in the least bit destructive anymore. I think those days are behind him, knock on wood. He leaves my books alone and the books on the bookcase are safe too. So are my shoes and my cigarettes and lighter. He's just about done being a "terrible toddler."

I hope you're all having a good day. I hope your weather is nice. It's slowly warming up in the living room now that the sun is shining through the windows. I don't have a tan yet, but I may try to get one.



Twain12 said...

i would be miffed to if somebody didn't let me know if they had to cancel a visit. glad you got a good night sleep and a good dream. a bad dream can ruin my sleep that's for sure.
we are having a nice day here too but unfortunately the bugs are pretty bad right now so that kind of puts a damper on for going out. Here is hoping you have another good night ♥

aims said...

I totally agree with you - the Exfactor does insist on TOO much leeway. That is rude and he should know you by now - that you would be expecting him as he had said so.

Let him know this tomorrow morning. No-one should leave anyone hanging like that.

I'm so glad you have a SPN. She has always sounded so wonderful to me. You are lucky to have the system in place that you do. So many other countries have no idea what is needed.

Frances said...

Aims is right, it is just rudeness, isn't it? To say you will be there and not to bother to cancel - and also out of character from what you have told us of the Exfactor over the years. Not what you expect of a reliable friend.
After all we have no shortage of ways of contacting our friends nowadays...
Good to hear about your sleep, I haven't been around, busy working and not online much, but I am glad to hear things are going well and that your SPN is still marvellous.
You always have the right to feel what you feel and think what you think. Even so-called healthy people have their own opinions and takes on things that others don't see eye-to-eye with - your meds may be there to help you cope with some of your feelings and thoughts, it doesn't invalidate them, Irene, surely? - it just means you find some things hard to live with. The meds maybe work like psychological/emotional painkillers in some cases. You are great and hardly recognisable from a few years ago. Enormous strides forward.
to feel p***ed off with friends/family is good, it shows your self-esteem is intact and you don't want to be Mrs Doormat!

Gail said...

I guess you have to decide if what the Ex provides is worth the uncertainty.

Tyke is doing really well.

Bernie said...

Sorry the exfactor didn't show up or bother to call but you know he does do a lot of good things for you so perhaps it is better to just let it be.
Glad Tyke is doing so well, especially leaving your books alone.
I hope you sleep as well tonight, I am off to bed soon myself.
Big Hugs my friend......:-)