Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What I said I was...
What I claimed earlier was merely a suppressed and contemplative mood, actually turned into a major funk this afternoon after I had gotten up from my morning sleep. Suddenly I was not so confident about my own peace of mind anymore and appreciative of the silence and I felt oppressed by my feelings that all came crowding in, shouting at me all at once for equal attention. I had trouble pushing them away from me and became nervous and unsettled and had little anxious sounding melodies running through my head to keep my mind going in some kind of rhythm. My right leg was shaking quickly to the beat, as I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes while I sat on the sofa, trying not to be intimidated by the rest of the day.
What was so oppressive about it? Why did it suddenly loom so large and why did I suddenly feel so incapable? I started to name to myself the things I thought I ought to do and I numbered them in order of importance and then made a decision about whether or not they really were so important and if they were worth worrying about so much. I came to the conclusion that nothing very much was worth having a little nervous breakdown about and that I had to go about things in a logical manner.
I called my friend Lucienne to have someone to talk to about nothing important at all. Purely as a distraction from my own mind and not to discuss worries with. That put me in a different frame of mind. Then I decided to get dressed and walk the dog, even though I was trying to get out of it and I didn't want to go and he wasn't asking for it. I made myself do it and do the longer walk, even though for me the shorter walk would have sufficed. I needed to do the longer walk, because I was chickening out of doing things, it was that kind of day.
When I got back, I very reluctantly checked my bank account balance and saw that all was well and paid some bills. That made me feel better and I'm glad I didn't put if off any longer. That was preceded with opening what looked like was going to be a big bill that I would have to pay all at once, but that is going to be written off my bank account in 5 easy installments. So that was a bit of luck today. I do try to see the glass half full.
So slowly, by doing these things, I'm getting more of a grip on myself again and I don't feel so anxious anymore. Where before I briefly felt despair, I now feel some amount off calmness and I am not nervous anymore. Although you can ask yourself to what degree I subconsciously am nervous all the time and how much stress I generally walk around with that I keep suppressed as much as possible, but that is there beneath the surface all the time. I may seem like a mellow person, but I think deep down inside I'm not. I hold the reigns very tightly. I'm a typical Virgo when it comes down to it.
Now I'm feeling very tired and I think I will go lie down for a while, though I hate to upset my equilibrium. It's hard nowadays to figure out what to do, what the right thing is. I think a nap may be just the right thing, though.