Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What I said I was...

What I claimed earlier was merely a suppressed and contemplative mood, actually turned into a major funk this afternoon after I had gotten up from my morning sleep. Suddenly I was not so confident about my own peace of mind anymore and appreciative of the silence and I felt oppressed by my feelings that all came crowding in, shouting at me all at once for equal attention. I had trouble pushing them away from me and became nervous and unsettled and had little anxious sounding melodies running through my head to keep my mind going in some kind of rhythm. My right leg was shaking quickly to the beat, as I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes while I sat on the sofa, trying not to be intimidated by the rest of the day.

What was so oppressive about it? Why did it suddenly loom so large and why did I suddenly feel so incapable? I started to name to myself the things I thought I ought to do and I numbered them in order of importance and then made a decision about whether or not they really were so important and if they were worth worrying about so much. I came to the conclusion that nothing very much was worth having a little nervous breakdown about and that I had to go about things in a logical manner.

I called my friend Lucienne to have someone to talk to about nothing important at all. Purely as a distraction from my own mind and not to discuss worries with. That put me in a different frame of mind. Then I decided to get dressed and walk the dog, even though I was trying to get out of it and I didn't want to go and he wasn't asking for it. I made myself do it and do the longer walk, even though for me the shorter walk would have sufficed. I needed to do the longer walk, because I was chickening out of doing things, it was that kind of day.

When I got back, I very reluctantly checked my bank account balance and saw that all was well and paid some bills. That made me feel better and I'm glad I didn't put if off any longer. That was preceded with opening what looked like was going to be a big bill that I would have to pay all at once, but that is going to be written off my bank account in 5 easy installments. So that was a bit of luck today. I do try to see the glass half full.

So slowly, by doing these things, I'm getting more of a grip on myself again and I don't feel so anxious anymore. Where before I briefly felt despair, I now feel some amount off calmness and I am not nervous anymore. Although you can ask yourself to what degree I subconsciously am nervous all the time and how much stress I generally walk around with that I keep suppressed as much as possible, but that is there beneath the surface all the time. I may seem like a mellow person, but I think deep down inside I'm not. I hold the reigns very tightly. I'm a typical Virgo when it comes down to it.

Now I'm feeling very tired and I think I will go lie down for a while, though I hate to upset my equilibrium. It's hard nowadays to figure out what to do, what the right thing is. I think a nap may be just the right thing, though.



VioletSky said...

Don't you hate it when a 'good' mood is destroyed by a little more sleep. That happens more than we realize (to those of us who spoend our days napping!). Hope this nap restores some of that quiet of mind.

aims said...

My friend - we seem to be going through a lot of the same things at the same time.

I'm not sure what has happened to me either but I decided to forget about saying no to meds that would help me and have taken the plunge. Otherwise I'd be crying all the time and back in "The Hall".

I feel like my whole world has turned upside down and around and it is strange that it is all happening at once.

I know for me that audio books are what I need for my escape. I always have at least 3 on my mp3 player so that I can put on my earphones and drift away into another world where I don't have to think.

Try them. I think you'll like them.

Twain12 said...

I'm glad things turned out aims i discovered free audio books. My demons usually arrive between 3 and 5 am and listening to a book or some meditation helped a bit. Have a good night ♥

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Sounds like you walked off some nervous tension that was building there. And having the satisfaction of tackling a job you didn't want to face - like banking - always gives one a boost.

I'm sure that nerves over seeing the doctor tomorrow have something to do with how you've felt today. I find that if I don't consciously worry about something it comes out in other ways - it can be converted into physical symptoms or generalized anxiety.

Hope your app goes well tomorrow.

Thinking of you,
Bearfriend xx

PS I saw a lot of scenery like that photo this afternoon out of the train window. The track goes right along the estuary and coast.

Wisewebwoman said...

"This too shall pass" are sometimes the only words that will console me when free floating anxiety threatens.
I hope it has passed for you, my friend.