Thursday, July 03, 2014

Let me think about that

Although I disagree with the diagnosis, I was told that I have non small cell lung cancer in the lymph nodes around my lungs, but not in the lungs themselves. I may also have the same type of cancer in the lymph nodes of my thyroid, or it could be a different type of cancer all together. The oncologists are going to debate about this a bit more. Depending on that outcome, I have either stage 3 or stage 4 cancer, but it is called adenocarcinoma. The primary tumor was not found, but that happens sometimes. 

As far as I am concerned, I have lymph node cancer and I will put it to the specialist on Wednesday when my next appointment is. It may not change the treatment, which will consist of chemotherapy and radiation, but I would like for things to be called by their proper names. My lung specialist is in training and being guided by well educated and experienced oncologists, so I am sure I am in good hands, but I do want to have something to say about what is taking place myself. 

I have been known to be a stubborn Dutch woman and one has to come with good arguments and solid facts to convince me of something before I will stake a claim on it. I do good research myself and talk with other people who also may know a lot. 

After I had the appointment this afternoon, I was very angry at the world in general while I tried to give a place to everything I had heard. I am over that now and feel back to my old self who is more in charge again. I don't feel so helpless anymore. I don't feel that something is happening to me outside of my control, but I always feel better at night and maybe in the morning I will be angry again.

Like my daughter said to me so wisely today, there has to be room for all of my feelings and all of them are valid. I should not try to push one of them away in favor of another. That is not how it works. 


VioletSky said...

Anger can be a positive emotion. So many people see it as being negative and pointless, but I'm sure it is healthy.
Good to know your medical team are considering and conferring.

Rob-bear said...

I am sorry to hear, Irene, that things are so complicated, and uncertain. I hope that the doctors can come to some conclusion about exactly the problem is.

I share your daughter's sentiment about there being room for all your feelings. But I am also glad you have moved beyond the current anger. Anger is something that can eat you up, if you allow it.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Maggie May said...

I feel I can empathise with you completely, Irene.
I was told my own body probably fought my tiny primary off and that is why it was never found .....but the secondaries overwhelmed me.
Chemo got rid of my lymph cancer very quickly.

Irene, it's really difficult living with uncertainty and I had to go for counselling for a long time.
Go for all the help you can get.

I have only met one other person with unknown primary and it seems really strange that the other person should be you.
We are special people perhaps!

Let all the emotions out, whatever they are.

Hugs and love Maggie x

Nuts in May