Saturday, December 31, 2011

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 



Bernie said...

Happy New Year lovely lady, I hope your visit with your gaughter goes well and is filled with love.
Still trying to figure out how you have friends on FB that you don't know, how did that happen? Sending big hugs....:-)

Maggie May said...

Its true we have to be able to live with ourselves in order to get on with other people and to love ourselves too.
Happy New Year, Nora. Enjoy the rest of your time with your daughter. She must be exhausted with all that travelling!
Maggie X

Nuts in May