Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

Running in a lower gear...

I'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night. For some reason I am more tired and sleepy. It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it. He had to go out back, of course. 

At least he doesn't have any accidents inside anymore. There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning. He no longer fouls his own nest. Thank goodness for small favors. 

I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat, though I'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do.I guess this is not my lucky night. I mustn't despair, though. I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet. Anything is still possible. 

I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things. Even more so than during the daytime. You'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then. Now I´m sitting here yawning. 

I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world, but that´s just very personally speaking.

It doesn´t take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick. The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones. He is sending her to a gastroenterologist. 

I do worry about her and I think this news, that I got today, weighs heavy on my mind. I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it, although I had my doubts. I think she did too.

Now that I shared this with you, I feel a little bit lighter. I had not realized how much this was bothering me. I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible. I want to spoil her as much as I can. That speaks for itself, of course. 

At least I know now why I don´t have my usual get up and go. I can take that into account. I must cheer up and be more lively. It will not do to be down in the dumps. It doesn´t help anyone. 

Right, I will now pour myself a glass of ice cold milk and pull myself up by my socks. And I do have some sleeping left to do. I will take care of that also.

Ciao,

Irene

Comfort zones...

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by. 

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge. 

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind. 

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one. 

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness...

I'm having a quiet and peacful time despite the fact that I'm not in bed sleeping and having tranquil dreams. Instead, I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette, in my warm bathrobe, enjoying the wee hours of the night. It will be time to go to bed shortly because I'm starting to yawn, but I will try to write a sensible post before I go. 

I didn't change the sheets on the bed like I had planned to tonight lacking the energy to do it and promising myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. The plan is to get up early enough to do it and to not stay in bed until noon after which I would get side tracked by other things. I do want to have the dirty sheets in the washing machine at a decent time and feel like I'm seizing the day. 

Sunday is not a day to be wasted on frivolous activities. It may be a day of rest, but I try to fill it with useful things to keep me busy and out of trouble. I admit, there isn't a heck of a lot of trouble for a middle aged woman to get into on a Sunday in a town in the Netherlands, but I always pretend there could be to give my life that dangerous edge. I do have an extensive fantasy life. 

The cat and the dog chased a mouse around the apartment for two days and nights and finally this evening the cat got a hold of it. That hold didn't last long and the mouse escaped in the living room where the dog grabbed it. That soon was the end of its little life. It gave one final squeek and then it was over. The dog carried it around with him for a while until he finally dropped it and I could dispose of it. It was a field mouse that the cat had brought in from outside. No wildlife is safe around here. The cat has turned out to be quite a hunter. 

That was the excitement for the evening and now at least that mouse is not hiding under my bed anymore. I did have some trouble sleeping one night with the animals trying to get to it. Only when they gave up on it could I go to sleep knowing that the mouse was behind the headboard. I'm getting used to a lot. 

I've got to go to sleep now. I must get a certain amount of sleep if I want to get up early in the morning and get the show on the road on time. 

Sleep tight and have a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

. 

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

A hill of beans...

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do. 

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled. 

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Loving every minute of it...

I'm serenely seated here behind the computer in the middle of the night (or call it early in the morning) and I've just about had all the coffee I want to drink. It's time to switch to that old stand by, a glass of ice cold milk, to make me burp some. I'm almost used to the special effects and expect them now. It wouldn't be the same experience without them. So you see, you get used to any strange phenomenon as long as it's familiar. 

When I say I'm serene, I mean I have a fairly peaceful mind as I have had for a long while now. I went to bed with it and got up with it. As we say in the Netherlands, I fit into my skin well. I don't know where that saying came from, but it is widely used and it sounds more appealing in Dutch. We use the word 'lekker' which is untranslatable. Some words and concepts aren't, which is a shame because so much feeling is meant by them. 'Lekker' is everything that is good and then some.

I woke up writing a blog post in my head before I had even opened my eyes. I now don't remember what it was about, but I think it is funny that I'm so occupied with it in the middle of the night. Apparently, I'm immediately ready to go write one when I wake up. Maybe I dream about it while I'm asleep. It wouldn't surprise me, although I know it's mostly nonsense what I think of first. I do remember that much.

For a change it wasn't the dog who woke me up. I did it all on my own and I must have an internal alarm clock that tells me to get up at a certain time of the night. It's when I'm temporarily all done sleeping and I'm ready for some entertainment to interrupt my long night. I don't really mind this, but I wouldn't mind either sleeping all night and not waking up until the morning. It would be awfully nice to be woken up by the real alarm clock. I wouldn't mind having to set it before I went to bed.

It's funny how you learn to accept any kind of schedule as being normal simply because that's what you have gotten used to. In my former life, I used to sleep long and hard all night long and you would have had to shoot off a canon to wake me up. Now I sleep like I'm alert to the least little noise and I'm ready to get up for no reason at all. I do long for those deep, heavy sleeps of long ago. They were very restful.

At least I'm not comatose anymore when I wake up in the morning. That's a big blessing. I function fairly well. I'm more then capable of making a very decent pot of coffee and I don't have to drink the whole pot in order to get dressed and be ready to take the dog for a walk. And getting dressed is simple if the weather is cool and crisp and you know which clothes to put on. I always think that makes things much easier.

I've got to go back to bed and sleep a few more hours. I'm going to see my new therapist this morning for my first official appointment. I do want to be alert and fresh looking when I get there. I do want it to be a productive meeting. Wish me luck. 

Have an especially nice day in this autumnal weather.

Ciao,

Nora

Weekends...

Much as I may have claimed otherwise in the past, I think I don't like weekends anymore. I think I'm finding out that they are really too dull. Today I experienced as a rather unexciting and long lasting day with not much interesting happening in it. And it seemed to take forever to get over and done with too. But I already said that.

True, there were cultural programs on TV in the morning and they redeemed the day to some extend. And the Exfactor came over to drink coffee and do some groceries for me, so I did have some distraction. But the rest of the day collapsed like a soufflé and I hardly knew what to do with it. There wasn't much shine to it despite the everlasting sunshine.

I may have been a very dull person myself today and have been incapable of thinking of anything exciting to do with my time. That's very possible. I normally don't need to be entertained to enjoy my time. I'm satisfied very quickly and am happy if I can be peacefully and quietly occupied with hardly anything at all. I could look for the cause inside myself. 

But outside it was dull also. There hardly were any people out there and the world seemed like an abandoned place. I don't know where everyone went, unless they all went to the beach on this first day of October when it was such beautiful weather.

Whichever is true, I have to make sure that I don't have another day like it tomorrow because now I feel like I've completely wasted the day. At least I could have contemplated my navel and I didn't even do that. I didn't live in the moment and took no proactive role in my life. I let the day slowly slip away from me without putting a stop to it. I didn't do any mindful living.

Aren't I hard on myself? I did get dressed and walk the dog and eat when it was time. I took my medicines and a nap. I was dutiful. I guess I want to be more than that.

Now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I'm about to go to bed with a glass of milk. I'm looking forward to it very much. I'm going to fluff up my pillows and lay me down to sleep gently. If all goes well, I should sleep until the morning. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Having no Monday blues...

I've spent the weekend trying to live in the moment and it was at times a great success, but mostly very difficult. I had to constantly pull myself back to the moment I found myself in and remind myself not to get lost in all sorts of reveries about things to come and things that were of the past. 

It amazed me what my mind kept itself so fanatically busy with. It was as if it never took a break. It was always going over what had already passed the revue a hundred times or it was busy planning what had to be done and could absolutely not be forgot. Very seldom, unless I very consciously directed it, was my mind attentive to the moment I was in and the very thing that was taking place then. 

But sometimes I did manage it and a great feeling of peacefulness and happiness would settle over me. So I did have those moments and I know that it can be achieved with enough practice if you keep redirecting yourself to the task. I think you have to be very vigilant and not give up on yourself, but keep jerking yourself back to the moment whenever you start to get lost in a useless 'let's ponder that over' session. 

Another thing I've been doing is asking myself the question very frequently of who's in charge here and who's motivating my actions. I try to get that to be my sensible adult and if it's not, I question who the hell it is instead. I find that very often I'm being boycotted in my daily life if my sensible adult is not in charge. Things just don't run very smoothly and in that case I'm my own worst enemy. 

So, I've attempted to let my sensible adult do a lot of the living and taking care of things. She does a very competent job. She's definitely someone I can trust. I know she won't let me down. 

All this talk of different entities makes me sound like I have multiple personalities, while I'm really just describing different aspects of my whole personality or even different kinds of behavior. I'm not split up into separate persons with separate identities. They are all me at different stages of my development. The sensible adult is the most healthy part of all of them and the one I most like to be in. It's the part of me that I can count on the most. 

So, this weekend was mental health weekend and for the near future my mental health will be the main feature in my life. And it won't be because I will be talking about it, but because I will be actively doing something about it. I won't just be passively complaining, which I think was a habit I had gotten into. 

I did do other things this weekend. The World Championships Athletics were on TV and I watched a lot of that. I'm very fond of athletics and like to watch all the different events, but especially the running and jumping because that's what I used to do and what my daughter did. Watching those events brings back many memories and makes me want have have a young, strong body and do it all over again.

Because my sensible adult was present so often, I got a lot of my chores done. I did reward myself with a lot of times out, but whenever I had the courage again I got something else done. The jobs I most hated and always used to put off, I now did with much more ease. Even those dreaded dishes. What helped was to stay in the moment and to pay attention to the specific job I was doing and nothing else.

Today's a busy day with my personal helper coming and the domestic help and an appointment with my psychiatrist. I suppose you'll all know who's going to be in charge here. 

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

No zombies here...

I had planned to take an afternoon nap, but when I laid in bed willing myself to go to sleep, I realized that I was not really all that tired and that falling asleep was not on the program. I was much too alert for a good slumber, so I got up and made myself a pot of coffee. At least it would straighten out my brain and help me write a blog post.

The coffee tastes very good and is doing wonders for my thinking capacities. Whatever cobwebs may have been hiding in the nooks and crannies of my mind are pretty much gone now, yet I feel mellow enough to sit here with all the peacefulness that I long for. I've got the best of two worlds and I'm going to enjoy this moment extra much and for as long as I can.

The domestic help has been here and cleaned the apartment and for a change I was not burdened by her presence. That has to do with my own attitude and nothing she did differently. I'm just more relaxed now and not so on edge and impatient. I don't feel like my space is being invaded and can share it easier with someone else. 

That's all due to the tranquilizers that allow the best in me to come out. It's a great relief. I'm not a dull person because of them. On the contrary, I undertake much more. I'm more animated and more industrious, but very calm and contend. 

I have to get used to me being this way. I still have a tendency to get worried that I'll get stressed in a situation, but then I remember that I won't be and relax again. It's a very pleasant way to exist.

I've got to watch the news now. It's already started. I must stay well informed. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday, early in the morning...

Apparently, I've slept long enough because I'm up bright eyed and bushy tailed, having my cups of coffee and feeling wide awake and ready to start the day. How this situation came about I don't quite know myself either, but I'll enjoy the moment while I can. I hope it lasts more than a moment, as a matter of fact. I hope the feeling lasts for the rest of the day because that would make me one happy camper. 

I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and the animals are sound asleep in various spots in the living room. It's too early for them to start the day. They are used to me getting up much later than this. I don't mind the temporary peace and quiet this gives me. At least I don't have to get into action yet and toss balls and pour dishes of milk. I do it with love, but sometimes I like a time out. 

It was raining when I got up and rain is predicted for the rest of the day. I really don't mind too much, except that I do have to go out in it this afternoon when I'm going to see my sister and her friend. I do know which outfit I'm going to wear today and it's something completely different than what I have been wearing. 

For a change I'm not going to be wearing one of my pairs of skinny jeans. I think the novelty of them has worn off by now and I'm ready to wear some of my other clothes. I'm ready to wear a dress again. I do first have to clean up all the clothes I've been wearing this past week and that are lying around in the bathroom. 

It's not as if I haven't got an organized closet to put them in and there's always laundry to do. Things can easily get washed if they're needed to. I've got about two loads to do and I will do them today. At least I'm in the mood for them. They will not be a horrible chore that I'm not looking forward to. In my present mood, I can handle laundry. Besides, it's usually one of my more favorite jobs. 

It's not very cold in here but I had to put my bathrobe on nevertheless. I think it is because it's so damp that it feels colder. We won't have any sunshine at all today and it will feel like fall out there. That means it's going to be dark in the living room and I will have to turn some lights on to make it cozy. 

I think I will get into action now and start cleaning up my clothes. At least I know that I won't run out of hangers. I've got enough of them. There's enough space on my shelves too since the purge. 

I hope you'll all have a good Sunday, although with a little bit of sunshine. 

Ciao,

Nora

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Living and breathing...

I just took the dog for a walk in the pleasant evening air. The sun was still shining and there was a bit of a breeze, but it was not cold. The air smelled of blossoming things and there was pollen floating in it. Lots of dandelions have gone to seed and the seed blows around in the wind all over the place like little umbrellas. We have an explosion of dandelions and they are three weeks early due to the good weather. They outnumber the daisies and we have a lot of them.

The dog was his usual stubborn self, refusing to move from some places and running to others and I'm at his whimsy because he is strong. He's a badly brought up dog and I owe it all to myself. I shouldn't make it sound so bad, mostly he moves along at a steady pace, but he does have his peculiarities. He does know how to pass trees and lamp posts at the correct side so the leash doesn't get caught around them. He does have his redeeming qualities. But the truth is that I'm not strict enough with him. 

I took a nap earlier this afternoon, no doubt due to the fact that I had not slept enough during the night. It was a very pleasant and peaceful nap, but I made the mistake of turning on the computer right when I woke up and I think I ought not to have done that. I think it's better to sit in silence for a while with a cup of coffee and come to my senses before I become involved in answering emails and reading and commenting on blogs when I just have woken up. I must remember to honor the peace and quiet of the time after the nap. The space your brain needs to adjust to being awake properly. You stand the chance to write a lot of nonsense when you just wake up. 

Tomorrow is another holiday and I keep forgetting. It will be nice because it will give me a chance to get some chores done. The personal helper and the domestic help won't be here. I won't miss them, I like the day off. Sometimes it's like having so many nosy people around and missing your privacy. 

I hope you're all enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up with myself...

Thank god it's Friday! The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place and now I get to enjoy the results all in my own company. There is something to be said for that. Being alone in a clean place is sort of like being alone in a temple without an altar, unless you count the computer desk as one. It makes you feel very peaceful and tranquil and you know that for a while everything will stay as uncluttered  and clean as it is. Until you dirty that first ashtray and that first soup bowl and glass for you milk. It's almost a sin to move around in here and I do it reluctantly. 

The fact that it's Friday adds some joy to my life, although I can't for the life of me figure out why it does so much. You'd think I was going on a mini vacation or something. I act like I have something wonderful to look forward to, while all it is is two empty days to do with as I please. And I will do nothing important with them at all. I will sleep late and watch a lot of television and walk the dog and be in my own company. If I'm lucky, I'll read my book. 

My main goal this weekend is to find my equilibrium which I had lost this past week. I think I'm already on my way, because I'm having a relatively peaceful day today. I am aware of the fact that I'm regularly trying to find my balance and that little things influence it and that I have to readjust myself now and then. But slowly and surely I'm becoming more secure of myself and less frightened that I'll not feel stable. I do have to add that I'm finding much relief from my medication and am very much aware when it's working after I've taken it. 

Right now it is the very little things in life that give me the most satisfaction. That's why I'm so happy with my clean apartment. It rained briefly just a while ago and I loved the way the air smelled afterwards. If only someone could bottle that. You would wish for your laundry to smell that way. There's a strong breeze blowing and it has cooled off the apartment by a whole degree. I'm sitting here in my warm gray cardigan with my socks on. To me that is pure bliss. 

I will take a nap in a little while and enjoy the coolness of the dark bedroom under the warmth of the duvet. It will just be a little nap, but it will refresh me for the rest of the day. I find that a nap in the afternoon does me a world of good. It's mostly for the sake of my brain that I take one. It's like pushing the reset button and I always have lots of renewed energy when I wake up, although I do need a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind. It's not a perfect system, but it suits me. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Stress-less.

I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don't mean Tyke by that. I couldn't find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I'm to survive in one piece.

At the suggestion of someone very smart, I've asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It's a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.

This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn't go to the post office. It was beyond me and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can't just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I'm short of.

The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I'm going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I'm still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.

I've just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It's funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can't think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don't drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It's a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don't know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.

The tranquilizers are working properly now and I'm not filled with anxiety anymore. I'm actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He's now lurking in the foothills.

Suddenly things don't seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It's even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I've gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it's a shame when I don't have the concentration to read. I haven't even been able to watch television.

Tyke's having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It's one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He's just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.

Well, you've been witness to a metamorphosis. I've gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,
Nora